[FONT=Arial][SIZE=7][COLOR=blue]The pain is too great, I feel as if I just can't go on. My little buddy Sparky was my shadow for 12 years and now when I turn around to say"watch out Spark, I don't want to step on you" he is not there. I didn't even know he was ill until 2 weeks before he left me. We were moving back to a house with a yard for him to run and play (after having to live in an apartment for 3 years after losing the house I was renting), oh how he loved to run and play in the yard. I was giving him back his yard and my poor baby never even got to step one paw in the new grass. I thought he was a bit home sick after we moved and then he grew gravely ill. I took him to the vet only to find that he was in kidney failure. How could this happen so fast? I didn't even have time to let it sink in that I was going to lose him. His last 2 weeks were spent in the hospital on IV's and other meds to control symptoms as they came (siezures,vomiting,nausea). From the time I found out how ill he was he only spent 2 days at home and those 2 days were spent watching him grow sicker and lifeless. I just layed and cuddled with him the whole time. I didn't want to let him go. Monday morning I knew he had to go back, he needed the supportive care I couldn't give him. For 6 days he seemed to be getting better, his numbers were coming back down and he actually ate!!!!!!!!!! Then I got the call. "it doesn't look like he will make it through the night, and I know how you said that you didn't want him to die alone". I couldn't get there in the time they needed me to be so I had to make up my mind to let the vet tech hold him and tell him my message of love in his ear while he left this world, or to attempt to make him suffer through the night to wait for me to get there in the morning or suffer alone and die alone through the night. With an extremely heavy heart I told her to give him a message for me while she held him when he took his last breath. I gave her all the names to say to him , his family, the people who loved him and he loved back 10 fold. I hung up the phone, dropped to my knees and kept praying, for 2 hours I prayed asking God to forgive me and to take him into his arms and keep him safe and warm. I cried all that night and al the next day. I prayed to God to let him give me a sign that he was ok and here with me, I still have no sign, I wait patiently everyday to get that sign. He left us to go to the Rainbow Bridge on August 31,2004. My heart is still broken in pieces, my oldest son is still a mess, following me everywhere. he still doens't have the strength to go to school, he cries all the time and just stares out into space. I don't know how to help him when I myself can't cope with this lose. Please God, help us. My 2 other kids girl 12 who grew up with Sparky and a boy 16 have gone on with their lives, how I will never know. I know different people deal with things in a different way, but how can they just go on???? Sparky was not only a dog, he was and always will be a member of our family. My ex husband got him for me a couple weeks after I had a miscarriage at 8 months and lost my daughter. I don't know if this is why I just can't get past this, maybe I somehow feel that losing Sparky is not only losing him but also losing my daughter all over again. I am on a sleeping pill prescribed by my doctor and an antidepressant. I am a total mess. I just don't know what to do anymore.

Trish, I am so sorry for your loss of little Sparky, he truly was a beautiful boy. I know the past week
has been tremendously difficult for you. Please find comfort in knowing that you were a wonderful
mom to Sparky and he knew you loved him - and still does. His spirit is with you and one day we will
be joined once again with our departed furbabies. You have an exceptionally strong connection with
him due to the cir%%stances surrounding when you got him. You have come to the right place for support
and understanding. You may wish to post this in the Death and Dying support forum so that everyone
knows you are here....we all feel your pain - we have all been where you are right now and it does get
somewhat easier as time moves on but it does take a while so allow yourself to heal. Keep crying, talking,
sharing your grief - it helps with the healing.

God Bless,

Love,
Karen

Thank you Karen, for your kind words. You and baby boy buster too will be in my prayers. Thank you for understanding and trying to ease my pain. Another day will come and another day I will endure this helpless and empty feeling. I hope in time that this does get easier. Thank you again.
Luv, Trish

Oh Trish,

I am so sorry about the loss of Sparky!!! My heart goes out to you. I know your pain is excruciating right now. There is nothing like it!

You did exactly the right things. I can't stress that enough! You made all the right decisions----when to seek medical care, when to allow Sparky to be put to sleep (how unselfish of you to allow the vet tech to hold him for the procedure instead of making him wait through the night), what to tell the vet tech to tell him. You are the best Mom anyone could have!!!

You will get signs, I am quite sure. In the meantime, please know that Sparky is just fine, and he's in a realm where there is no time or space as there is when our souls live in these bodies---so his spirit is everywhere, including all around you. And when it's your time to go, you will be fully reunited. To Sparky, it will seem like no time has passed.

Sparky does know how much you love him. But remember that love is a 2-way street, and if the roles had been reversed and it had been Sparky, and not you, who had survived, you would want him to be fine and to be able to go on and experience happiness again. I am sure that's what he wants for you!!

Do you have close family or friends nearby? Or that you talk to by phone?

Everyone is different when it comes to dealing with grief. When I lost my precious Little Girl, all I could do was stay in bed with my laptop computer. I spent many many hours each day and night on this site. It was my lifesaver. I spoke only with people who would understand what I was going through (I ended a long-time friendship with a woman over this because she wasn't there for me and, as close as I thought we were, she should have been). Also, I watched movies---mostly Lifetime. I didn't want to leave the house because I just couldn't face coming back inside the house without the usual greeting I would always get from my Little Girl!! At the end of each day, I would think to myself, "Well, I made it through another day."

I am glad you are on a medication for sleep. You need your sleep, and you are experiencing one of the most traumatic times a person can possibly experience. I had to take something, too.

Please keep in touch. Keep sharing your feelings, and read about others' journeys. It might help. Oh, and I've read some helpful tips from others here on how to talk with/help children through the grief. How old is the son who's having the worst problems with this grief?

Write any time!!! I will be thinking of you and sending prayers your way. Much love to you,

-Kathy
p.s. Look at Little Girl's coloring (she's in my avatar).---It's the same as Sparky's! To you and me, those are the 3 most beautiful colors in the world.

Hello Kathy,
Thank you for the extremely kind words. I came on and found a new reply to my post and went right away to read it. It was you and your soft words. I really needed it tonight. I had a major breakdown, I went back to where we just moved from and lived for 3 years with Sparky and simply driving by it I had a huge panic attach and had to pull off the road because I couldn't stop crying. It has been 8 days since my friend left me and the pain is just as strong as August 31st. I feel awful, my heart hurts and I am trying to keep my 17 year old up too. He always walked Sparky everyday either with or without me. This was his chore in the morning before he went to school so out of the 3 kids this is hitting him the hardest. My 15 year old son says he is trying to put it out of his mond so he doesn't feel the pain and my 12 year old daughter cries at night or when she see's me cry or sad, and when we say a prayer at night for him. I pray to God to let Sparky send me a sign that he is ok and he forgives me if I made any wrong decisions for him. I think one of the things that hurts the most is that I couldn't be there with him when I think that he needeed me the most. Maybe that is just selfish of me though. I just couldn't bare the thought of him suffering through the night and possibly dying alone which was the one thing I would have thrown myslef in front of a truck to prevent. I can't eat and my sleep, well that is being helped with Ambien right now. I am having a very bad problem with living here right now because I have no happy memories with him here. Right when we moved here he got extremely ill and was in and out of the hospital he was only here for a total of about 10 days and those days were him being ill, vomiting, sleeping, you know. the first signs of kidney failure. It is so out of my realm to understand how fast kidney failure takes a pet from the time they are diagnosed and the time they pass on. I just thought I would have more time. I hope I can keep coming here and posting my feelings and get positive responces from others. Everyone I have heard from so far are great. I too think those are the 3 most beautiful colors in the world.
Luv Trish
By the way, how do I get my aveator to be of my Sparky. I have all kind of pictures of him but don't know how to make one an avator. Can anyone help me. Thank you

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to sit and write a responce to my post. This is my first time at Lightning Strike and I feel like it could really help.

Hi Trish,
Just click on your screen name and you will see the options....click on avatar options and you can browse through the pictures you have stored in your computer. Click on the picture you wish to upload and then click open....I believe you can adjust the size of the picture to fit.

How are you holding up? I've been thinking about you......

Love,
Karen