[FONT=Arial][SIZE=7][COLOR=blue]The pain is too great, I feel as if I just can't go on. My little buddy Sparky was my shadow for 12 years and now when I turn around to say"watch out Spark, I don't want to step on you" he is not there. I didn't even know he was ill until 2 weeks before he left me. We were moving back to a house with a yard for him to run and play (after having to live in an apartment for 3 years after losing the house I was renting), oh how he loved to run and play in the yard. I was giving him back his yard and my poor baby never even got to step one paw in the new grass. I thought he was a bit home sick after we moved and then he grew gravely ill. I took him to the vet only to find that he was in kidney failure. How could this happen so fast? I didn't even have time to let it sink in that I was going to lose him. His last 2 weeks were spent in the hospital on IV's and other meds to control symptoms as they came (siezures,vomiting,nausea). From the time I found out how ill he was he only spent 2 days at home and those 2 days were spent watching him grow sicker and lifeless. I just layed and cuddled with him the whole time. I didn't want to let him go. Monday morning I knew he had to go back, he needed the supportive care I couldn't give him. For 6 days he seemed to be getting better, his numbers were coming back down and he actually ate!!!!!!!!!! Then I got the call. "it doesn't look like he will make it through the night, and I know how you said that you didn't want him to die alone". I couldn't get there in the time they needed me to be so I had to make up my mind to let the vet tech hold him and tell him my message of love in his ear while he left this world, or to attempt to make him suffer through the night to wait for me to get there in the morning or suffer alone and die alone through the night. With an extremely heavy heart I told her to give him a message for me while she held him when he took his last breath. I gave her all the names to say to him , his family, the people who loved him and he loved back 10 fold. I hung up the phone, dropped to my knees and kept praying, for 2 hours I prayed asking God to forgive me and to take him into his arms and keep him safe and warm. I cried all that night and al the next day. I prayed to God to let him give me a sign that he was ok and here with me, I still have no sign, I wait patiently everyday to get that sign. He left us to go to the Rainbow Bridge on August 31,2004. My heart is still broken in pieces, my oldest son is still a mess, following me everywhere. he still doens't have the strength to go to school, he cries all the time and just stares out into space. I don't know how to help him when I myself can't cope with this lose. Please God, help us. My 2 other kids girl 12 who grew up with Sparky and a boy 16 have gone on with their lives, how I will never know. I know different people deal with things in a different way, but how can they just go on???? Sparky was not only a dog, he was and always will be a member of our family. My ex husband got him for me a couple weeks after I had a miscarriage at 8 months and lost my daughter. I don't know if this is why I just can't get past this, maybe I somehow feel that losing Sparky is not only losing him but also losing my daughter all over again. I am on a sleeping pill prescribed by my doctor and an antidepressant. I am a total mess. I just don't know what to do anymore.

Oh Trish. Your story just made me cry so much. I'm so sorry for your loss. I didn't get to be with my Arnold when he passed away either and I hate that, and that I can't change it. It's a hard one to accept. Arnold's illness also came on suddenly; within five days of discovering he was ill, he was gone.

You're right - people deal with the loss in a whole lot of different ways and some faster than others. There is no right or wrong of it, of course. If you read the postings on this site you will see that everyone has many of the same feelings besides the sheer pain of it - guilt being a big one.

You did so much for your little Sparky for so many years that he had to know you loved and cared for him completely. At the end of the day, you did all you could. It is so hard when we are so helpless to save our little babies and all we can do is try to give their little bodies a chance to fight back.

Please keep coming back here and pour your heart out; it did me so much good to have all the good people here listening to my stories and helping me through my grief. Eventually the raw pain will dull just a little and you will be able to smile at all the wonderful memories you have of Sparky. And be sure to share them here - I know I love reading about all the cute things everyone's little babes have done.

Thinking of you.

Nanci

Oh gosh, I am SO sorry about Sparky -- so sorry that he didn't get to play in the new yard that YOU GOT FOR HIM. I just moved too to a place where I could easily have taken my little Hannah outside, and it's the first time I've moved in about 20 years that she wasn't here to go with me.

I know how much you wanted to be with Sparky when he left this world. I don't know why that couldn't be for you. I so wish you could have been, but I bet Sparky understood, and I bet he understood the message from the vet tech, knowing it was from you and your family with all his special little names and everything. And Sparky knew from all of your wonderful years together how very much you all loved him.

Please check out the articles on this site under important topics. There are several good ones, including one for helping children deal with their grief, and there are books and other sites on the Internet too that can help. Keep coming here. Everyone here is JUST SO COMPASSIONATE AND UNDERSTANDING and we care and so many of the members give the MOST INCREDIBLE advice and help.

I gathered all of Hannah's photos and I made posted memorials to her on this site and some other sites. You may want to do something like that. Here are the addresses of two of Hannah's tributes:

http://www.in-memory-of-pets.com/personalc...le.asp?ID=40307
http://www.in-memory-of-pets.com/personalr...on.asp?ID=41360

Keep praying too. I know I pray every night that God will help me to accept the loss of my little Hannah girl and I pray he holds her right next to him along with all the other little ones from this site. I pray to be able to forgive myself. You need to know you did nothing at all to be forgiven for. You did everything possible to help Sparky. Sparky knows -- he knows.

One day the pain will ease up for us all, I am sure, but right now it's just the worst thing in the world for most of us. My heart just breaks for you. Take care of yourself.
Hugs to you and your family. Sparky was a real beauty, by the way.
Marcia

Dear Trish
What a beautiful dog your Sparky is. I also lost my baby suddenly. It's been three weeks and I am still crying, although every once in a while a small barely visable smile will cross my face when I think of him. This is so hard and I am so grateful for all the people here who have helped me more than they know. Sparky knows what you did was out of PURE LOVE for him. He is running on the grass again. He also has all his memories of you and your family that he thinks about. He will send you a sign. It may take a while because he is so busy being healthy and able to run again and meeting all his new friends, but he will let you know he's o.k. It will happen when you least expect it. It will bring tears to your eyes but they will be comforting tears this time.

Hugs,
Carol

Dear Trish,

I am so sorry to hear about your beautiful and loyal Sparky. I wish I could give you a real life hug. So many of us here know precisely what you are writing about...having gone through exactly what you are going through. I too thought of my buddy as my "kid". I knew of course that he was a domestic pet--but really, he was as important to me as any person I have ever known.

I was able to relate to everything you wrote. I also had to watch my best friend deteriorate over a lengthy period despite medical intervention and everyone's best efforts. I am still reeling from what I spent. The truth is, just like with people, when it is their time to be called home...it is their time. I learned that. I would have 2nd mortgaged everything and sold everything I own to have Ginger recover. Lots of folks would think that was a pretty bizarre extreme to go to but I would have done it. I learned that I could have done all that and still have the same outcome. For whatever reason, it was Ginger's time.

What you wrote about the yard struck a chord with me too because I was always going to get a really nice glider bench for the front porch so that Ginger and I could sit on it together--and I did get the bench ..It seems so ironic! It certainly did not play out like I planned it in my mind!

Trish, this is all new to you and your emotions are still raw. As time goes on you will discover that your Sparky left you only in the physical sense. He is right there with you right now. When I sit on the glider "alone" and think about Ginger..I am not really alone
because Ginger lives in my heart. Those who are remembered do not die and nothing on Heaven or Earth can separate those who love.

Right now your Sparky is at the rainbow bridge with all our pets, cavorting and happy--100% whole ..leaping and bounding like he did as a pup. You will be reunited with him again one day. Grief is definately a "journey"..every day you can take another step toward healing and somedays it will seem like two steps forward and one step back! (but that is still a net gain of one step!) We are here for you--remember that!
Sparky definately would not want you to languish in sadness, though--so try to do something really positive for yourself if you can--do anything physical that you can--take a walk around the block..that type of thing! You will be surprised how much it helps to move around.
I am thinking of you!! & Here is a big hug for you {{{{{{{{{{{TRISH}}}}}}}}}}}
Love,
Patti

I'm so sorry to here about your Sparky, Trish. I'm new here too, but we're all dealing with the same emotions as what you're suffering now. It's difficult to read these forums without tears welling up or breaking down and balling my eyes out. It's allowed. We've all lost our best buddies that have played such an important role in our lives.

Don't beat yourself up over not being able to make it there for Sparky's final breaths, it may be a blessing in disguise. You won't have to deal with memories of seeing your lovely Sparky labouring to breath and finally giving up. In time you will only remember when he was a happy, healthy dog, romping around the back yard.

My father spent his last few months of life in the hospital. I visited him several hours before he actually passed on. The hospital phoned me to advise that my dad had passed on and asked if I wanted to come see him 'one last time'. I thought about it but then told the hospital, no. I wanted my memories to be of him being alive and I didn't want to see a lifeless body. That might be the blessing for you.

Time will heal things. You wil cherish your memories of Sparky. Memories can be strange things... eventually the suffering that Sparky went through at the end will deminish and will be replaced by all the good times and enjoyment that Sparky brought to you and your family. Don't worry about your kids too much either, they are able to bounce back from things alot quicker than us 'older' people. You did all you could for Sparky, take comfort in that. I wish there was something I could do to take away your pain (and mine).

I am so sorry about your loss, Trish. Sparky looks so sweet in his photo. How devastating to have lost him.

After my border collie died I was on sleeping pills too. Even with the pills, I could hardly get a more than four or five hours per night. It does get better. Believe me.

I am at just over three months, and am still going to councelling. The pain is still there, but it becomes more "manageable".

Yes, everyone grieves differently, it is strange to see people just "going on" with life when someone so precious has been taken. I remember feeling the same way after Luba died.

Come here and write often - it realy helps.

Thank you to all the loving people that sent a reply to my posting about Sparky. It is very comforting to know that there are people out there that actually care about one another. It is very hard to talk to some people about my feelings because they just don't understand my feelings of devastation.I couldn't be with Sparky when he was put to sleep because for 2 weeks I depleted my savings trying to find out what was wrong with him and then trying to save him that 3 days before he passed away I contacted a Sheltie Rescue that had me bring him to their vet which was 135 miles away, I had to do this so that he could continue to get help and I got help paying for it but it had to be at their vet in Bloomington ,Illinois. I got the call at 6pm and the office closed at 5:30. They couldn't wait for me as it would have taken me almost 2 hours to drive there. I don't regret spending my savings on my buddy, not at all. I'm sure there are many other people out there that have put themselves into the poor house trying to help their beloved pets, I am in big trouble with the bank as they have given me 5 days to come up with my mortgage payment, I'm short $467. I just got this house August 1st so they are very upset about the first payment being late. I could have sworn I had left myself enough money to pay for my home. I guess my mind was shadowed by my grief.
I would like to give a special thank you to ARNOLD (Nanci)BABYHANNAHSMOM (Marcia)MAXIESMOM(Carol)GINGERSPAT(Patti) Gort & Steph. The kind words you wrote warmed my heart and made me feel as I wasn't alone. Thank you so much. A big to {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ ALL }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} of you.
Luv, Trish

I'm glad we were able to help. I have no doubt whatsoever that your mind was totally fogged with the grief and pain. I know you don't need the added stress of worrying about the bank and your house! I pray that help comes your way regarding that too. Take care.
Love,
Marcia

Trish,
I am praying for you too.
I just wrote to you under your "disease and sickness" thread.

Trish,
I am so sorry about your little guy. I lost my sweet Zoe to renal failure 2 1/2 weeks ago. It's all too sudden and too painful, but I think they come into our lives when we need them the most. Sparky to help you grieve your daughter, Zoe to help me at the lowest (up to that point) point in my life.

My thoughts are with you.
-Sharon