I have done the most horrible thing in my life and I am suffering everyday and everyday I will be haunted for what I have done. My 13 1/2 year old Tazzy was a beautiful cat, my husband and I got her when she was a kitten and was the only animal we had for so long that we raised, older then our children she was, she was a daughter to us. I never had her declawed when she was young and then one visit to the vet at 7, the vet said she is too old and heavy to be declawed so I never again thought of it as an option, I trimmed her nails every Monday. She destroyed things in our house but to me now all those 'things' they don't matter. We just moved into a new house last year and got all new furniture. I kept her nails trimmed but for some reason she seemed to get holes in the new couch, so tiny but I seen them and I then seemed to put my furniture at priority because I called a vet and asked them about something else and then I brought up the declawing, I said she is 13 is she too old? Thinking they would say yes of course but they said no we do this all the time for older people who are taking their cats to a nursing home and have to have the cats declawed. I hung up and called 3 more vets, they said the same thing, one even told me about the new Laser declaw, I had never heard of it, they said it was less painful, fast recovery time,etc. I then talked to my husband and we decided to spend the extra to get the Laser. We took Tazzy in on November 2nd, 2008, left her there to be declawed, I was told to bring her in the morning no food past 6 pm the past day, still by 3:30 pm she still was not in surgery, I was worried she was hungry. They got her in surgery and called to say everything went well and I could pick her up in the morning when they called. I called them and said I want to come get her and we did, she was doing so well, it didn't even seem like she had anything done, she looked the same, was eating as soon as I got her home, no bandages on her feet. I used the special litter in the big litter box that Tazzy and my other cat shared. The vet said there would be no problem with him using it too. Three days later, after every day going to scoop the litter, there was nothing in it, no poop or pee, nothing and my other cat had been howling at night and I now realized he was needing to go potty but didn't want to in the new litter and where was Tazzy going? So I changed the litter back to the normal litter, what was I thinking, I guess being that there was nothing in the litter box and I found out where my other cat went behind a couch that I knew Tazzy couldn't get to. I thought I would just keep an eye on Tazzy's paws. Also for 5 days of giving her the antibiotic, she spit out the side of her mouth or threw it up, I didn't finish the bottle, thinking she was spitting it anyways. Now fast forward to Nov 20th, at night Tazzy slept in my son's bed, he told me something wet was on her and turned on the lights, her paw was bleeding, I cleaned it and everything up and the next morning called the vet, my husband took her to the vet and I told him to make sure they don't give anymore antibiotics if she doesn't need them because she throws them up and we can't keep them down. He said they cleaned her paw, said we need to use the right litter and never mentioned weight loss or an infection, they did ask if my husband wanted the pills and he said she won't keep them down and they didn't say she needs them. Also her meow was so low almost gone and they said that was from the tube from the surgery being down her throat, this was 19 days after the surgery but I believed them. They bandaged her paw up, she had the bandage off within 1 day. Within the next few days I was questioning if she was eating, I saw her by the water bowl every day and she seemed to be herself, sleeping in the sun, in my son's bed, using the litterbox. My son said he saw her eat the one day but I said I haven't and then I would hear her going down the stairs at night and figured she was eating, as much waste in the litterbox I figured she was. Then there was two times my husband and I found her in our bathtubs, she for some reason was laying in them. Her breath got really stinky and she looked so bad, I called the vet on Tuesday Nov 25th around 4 pm and said she looks like she is dying, they said bring her in now and my kids had just got home from school and I said how about first thing tomorrow morning, I got up in the morning and was giving her water under the sink and saw that her thumb paw was big, this is the first time I seen the swelling, I had been looking at her paws but the thumb paw I must have not looked at it, just the four fingers, I saw it was big and saw a little hard piece of something and pulled at it (I don't know if was glue or litter) then a big blood rush came out, black blood, I flipped out and then blood clots came out and I was so scared, I kissed her and called the vet and said can I bring her right now, I took her in and they said she had a bad infection, had lost 4lbs since surgery,they got the pills and I said can you give her an injection, something I know will stay in her and work and they said yes and they kept her all day and gave her fluids and force fed her. I picked her up that evening which was Nov 26th Wedensday, They wanted to keep her over night but with Thanksgiving they couldn't. So they told me to force feed her. She looked so much healthier that day and the next. We fed her every 4 hours and on Friday we were taking her in again for a check up,I told them she had diarrea they gave me a medicine for it and said she looked so much better. Then that Friday night it seemed a little harder for us to feed her, by Saturday even harder, I then gave her the meds for diarrea Saturday, Saturday night she looked so bad again just like before, we knew she was going to die, Sunday morning I got up and checked on her she was sleeping, 10 minutes later I went over and picked her up and called to my husband, my other cat came over sniffed her and then starting howling, within minutes she jerked her body, meowed at me twice while looking into my eyes and then she died. It's been 3 months and I am so much worse off then I was before, I am dreaming of her, I have so much guilt for what I have done. I lost my baby, she would have been 14 this April, she was still playful, she loved us, she counted on to take care of her and I let her down, over some stupid furniture that I have been wanting to burn, Material things are nothing, my cat was my life and I took it for granted. Laser Surgery was not better, yes I made mistakes with the litter, not seeing the signs or taking them serious enough and that is part of my guilt but the decision to get her declawed is the worst decision I have never made, it took a life, my Tazzy's life. I will not be able to get past this, what I have done, the torture my baby went through. I would do anything to have her damaging my couches right now, I would let her tear my house down to have her right now, I hate myself for what I have done. I have been waking up everyday and the minute I get up I remember she is not here and I relive what has happened and don't know how to get on with my life I can't believe how many mistakes I made when it came to taking care of her after her declaw, I can't believe I didn't use the right litter the whole time I was supposed to and also the minute I thought something in my head like is she eating? her going into the bathtub isn't right, why didn't I drop everything that second and rush her to the vets,I even remember telling my mom I would take her to this other vet for another opinion if she didn't get better but it was too late she died. I am seriously not able to accept that she is gone, it's like I have been losing my mind and look on my son's bed for her. Also I went through a shock the first few weeks after her death, like I tried everything to make it better, I adopted a new cat that was already declawed, I was trying everything to ease the pain and I was crying and missing her then and after then it's just gotten worse like I was in denial then and now 3 months later I have hit rock bottom with everything, it's just the worst thing I am going through and my kids and husband want me to stop crying and understand and I feel so bad that I just can't right now.

I'm sorry for your loss. Tazzy sounds like a beautiful girl. I know I always hear we learn from experience but at times I wonder why we have to have the experience ourselves to learn from it.

She is at peace now. You will stop crying when you feel you can. You are carrying a very heavy load and it is hard to get out from under it. But it is over...it happened. While we cannot change things we have done we wished we hadn't, we can learn from them. Unfortunately sometimes they carry a heavy price but we know life is not fair.

I am glad to hear you opened your home to a rescue kitty. While you can't bring Tazzy back, it may help to be able to hold another furbaby (my new boy, Lucky, fills that void for me). I am sure the new one has lots of unconditional love to give and is grateful to have found a home. I always think of it as a tribute to the one I lost.....to see to it the new one gets lots of love and attention, as best I can.

We all heal at our own pace. We all never lose the pain of missing our special ones. There is no time limit on grieving. We just have to take everything one day at a time and wait for the day the pain becomes bearable instead of overwhelming.

Take care....in time, peace will be part of your day. Writing your thoughts and feelings here is a good part of venting which can help healing.

I am glad you had her for over 13 years.....you will have a lot of good memories to fall back on..when it is time.

Judy

1st of all remember..... breathe......2nd.... breathe.....3rd.... breathe......and then repeat.

I know you are hurting so terribly badly right now. Your Tazzy sounds like she was a wonderful kitty. You did everything you could think of to save her when you knew she was sick. You took her to the vet, gave her medication, you tried everything you could. Sometimes, despite our best efforts, no matter how much we want to save them, we still lose them. It's one of the tragedy's we face for being pet owners. But the joy they gave us is worth the sacrifice.

It's hard not to put all our focus on their final moments, because it was so very terribly painful. But, in the days and weeks ahead you need to turn your focus to her life and how happy she was. The joy she gave you, and fond memories. I could feel how much pain you are in as I read your story. But just remember your sweet Tazzy is happy and whole now, and still loves you very much, as you still love her very much.

Hold dear Tazzy close to your heart, and you will feel she is still connected to you. And that's so sweet you adopted another kitty.

I lost two of my dear cats in 2008 within a month and 1/2 of each other. And 3 yrs ago I lost my kitten Nemo after taking him in to get him neutered. He never made it home that day. The pain can be overwhelming. Know you are not alone, and there are people who understand what you are going through.

Ren, Zorro, and Nemo's Mom

Be gentle with yourself, catlover. You had no way of knowing that declawing Tazzy to save your furniture would end in her death when you made the decision. You thought it would be a safe procedure. Had you known you would lose her, you wouldn't have done it for all the furniture in the world. And your decisions concerning the kitty litter, too, were based on your feelings that it was safe for her to use it.
As Love Them said, we all have made choices that we've regretted. But it seems we learn best by the mistakes we make. You loved Tazzy with all your heart. Keep your focus on that love as you work through your feelings of guilt. You'll start to remember all the little sacrifices you made to give Tazzy a loving home. Peace will find its way back into your heart.
I'm truly sorry for your loss, catlover.