I feel as if I have put this post off for far too long.

This past Christmas Eve, I did the hardest thing I have ever had to do in putting my dachshund, Chipper, of 10 and a half years to sleep. It was all a complete nightmare. It began about a week before Christmas, when my grandfather had a stroke and my dad had to fly out across the country to be with him and his family. So that left me, my mom, and my boyfriend here. My dad noted before he left how sleepy Chipper had been the past 24 hours. He was indeed, noticeably more tired than normal but we weren't alarmed just yet. Chipper had been fighting diabetes (was almost completely blind), Cushings, and a heart murmur the past couple years. It had been pretty up and down, and although it was tough to watch we never lost hope just simply because how happy he was through it all (except when he had to get his insulin, those were times I'd like to forget). Even when he went blind, he made the best of it and got along pretty well. He never lost a step. Anyhow, we decided to take him to the vet because we were pretty sure he had an ear infection and he began not eating the day my dad left.

His last night here was very scary. Not only was he not eating now (dogs with Cushings love to eat), but he became very lethargic and his breathing was labored. I stayed up with him the entire night watching his every breath and counting down the minutes until the vet opened. We got him in first thing and while waiting in the exam room, he began excreting pure blood. I was horrified and urged my boyfriend to bring someone in. A tech came in to clean it up and I asked what they thought it was (they were running some tests in the back), she said that it was looking like pancreatitis but that the vet would be in to explain.

His vet came in and appeared more serious than I have ever seen her (and she has treated Chipper his entire life), and said that he needed to be hooked up to fluids in an effort to flush his system but that we were more than likely looking at a hospitalization at the veterinary specialist. She explained that they needed to reinduce him to all of his medications again and possibly a plasma transfusion. This was terrifying being that my dad was on a plane going across country, I had never dealt with these decisions before, and I had no idea how we were going to pay for this- he left us some blank checks but he was just recently let go from his job and we were already tight financially. She also said that being that Chipper had a heart murmur, that this fluid treatment would be risky. My hands were shaking so badly I could hardly sign the consent form. I cried as I handed him over to them.

We were going to be able to come get him an hour later. I just sat in the car and cried, nervously watching my phone and praying that I didn't get that call. My mom, who was at home, was going crazy and called me in tears after she called up there and talked to a tech to find out exactly what was going on. She was worse than I was, and that didn't make it any easier. My dad was gone, and now all of a sudden I felt like the only adult. If I didn't have my boyfriend with me, I would have cracked.

When they brought him back to me, he was wrapped in a towel because they said he was still "leaking." He was so pitiful. While sitting and waiting on his vet to come back in and speak with us, I sat there wondering if this was really the end. If it could really end like this. I held him in my arms and remember one fond moment of him touching his warm, dry (normally cold and wet) nose right up to mine and looked me in the eyes (even though he couldn't see). His vet was really recommending at that point that we take him to the specialist, that it was the best chance for him. She noted how depressed he was, and even though I did not want to acknowledge it- he was more depressed than I'd ever seen him. This was not what I wanted to hear, the only time we had ever left him anywhere was one night when he was a puppy at the emergency vet when they unnecessarily kept him for a stomach ache. But I had to put my selfishness aside and trust that this was for the best.

We brought him home one last time before we went. It didn't take us long to decide that he really needed to go to the hospital, he was not going to improve here. I showed him the Christmas tree and his "Baby's First Christmas" ornament at the very top, I told him there wasn't going to be Christmas without him. It really felt like it was the last time though, as I carried him out of here in tears and into my car.

Just for them to admit him to the hospital, we had to make a $1,000 deposit. I held my breath as the check went through. They gave me an estimate between three and five thousand if he had pancreatitis. I told him I loved him and wanted him home for Christmas as the doctor took him away under his arm. We came back to a very empty house, but I took a lot of comfort in my beagle/german shepherd mix, Hilton. She seemed to not understand either.

Later that evening, the doctor called my mother and told her that the ultrasound did not indicate that he had pancreatitis. He said that the bleeding may just be a touch of colitis and that they were going to monitor him overnight.

To shorten this up a bit, I am just going to give an overview of the rest of the week as it all seems to run together in my mind and I don't entirely understand every thing that was going on. It was very up and down. We visited him every day (except for the first day because we thought we might upset him if we came to see him and left again). He was very lethargic and sleeping a lot, but they said he would always perk up in his cage every time they told him his family was there to see him. No matter how he felt, he always came in wagging his tail and giving us kisses. The medical front started out pretty grim, but seemed to improve day after day. They diagnosed him with DIC (disseminated intravascular coagulation) which is where the platelets become so low that his blood is not clotting (this was why he was bleeding). They said, in best case, this was just a result of all his ailments getting out of control. So they did a plasma transfusion and got his platelets back to normal. His bleeding ceased, but he was still throwing up and refusing to eat. However, he did seem in higher spirits every day. We really thought that his appetite might come around and we'd be able to bring him home for Christmas.

It was Christmas Eve, he had not eaten for a week and had almost spent a week in the hospital. The doctor called my mom that morning and said that he would consider euthanasia. It was determined that his pituitary tumor (Cushings) had enlarged to the point that it was blocking all of the signals that the gland sends out to the body, this was why he was not eating...and it was only going to get worse from there. I will never forget sitting in the exam room, holding Chipper, tears streaming down my face asking the doctor if there was anyway to treat this...at that very moment, Chipper leaned over and licked my tears away just like he always had. It made us actually laugh for a brief moment. He said the only option was radiation, and he admitted that he would not even put his own dog through that. For one, he would not be able to survive the euthanasia, not to mention all of the complications that would come with radiation, and the tumor would inevitably come back eventually. That's when I knew that this was it. We had to let Chipper leave his failing body peacefully. It cut like a knife and did not exactly register what was about to occur until the doctor had my mom sign the consent form and asked what we would like to do with his body. We decided to have him cremated.

I remember the last walk, carrying him down the hallway to the euthanasia room while my mom and I cried. We spent some time in there with him, trying to stay strong because he never liked it when people cried. We let my dad talk to him on the phone, he lifted his head up and looked around. It killed him that he couldn't be there, and it killed me too because Chipper was so loyal to him his entire life and I know that he would have wanted his daddy there in the end. Then the doctor came in. I held Chipper on the couch with my mom beside me, he was wrapped in the same baby blanket we took him home in 10 and a half years ago. It was actually very peaceful and although the cir%%stances were horrible, I would not have wanted it any other way. Our worst fear was him dying up there without us. His entire body relaxed and he made one last little grunt (I miss those old man noises); I told him "thank you for everything" and kissed his chest shortly before I presumed he had passed. The doctor took the stethoscope and held it up to him, "He's gone" he said. We bawled.

My mom wanted to hold him but soon found out she couldn't bare it and asked the doctor to come take him. He sat him on a table and we watched Chipper's now frail and skinny body take its final breaths. The doctor knelt beside us and told us that he hated it, that he really thought he was going to pull through. He had told us earlier that week that Chipper was tough as nails, not many dogs even come out of DIC. We talked about Chipper's life- how he never went hungry, never was left out in the cold, and knew he was loved until the very end. How when he did something wrong, you could never stay mad at him.

The immediate reaction was relief. It was relieving making the transformation from the hell that final week was for all of us to knowing he was at least not going to suffer, die without us, and was finally at peace. But I was also very numb. I did not cry as much as I thought I would the first week or two. I was so emotionless at times, I actually scared myself. I felt guilty that I was not feeling as sad as I should feel, I wasn't feeling anything! I missed him, yes, more than words. But I do not think any of it registered until weeks later. That's when the real grieving set in and that is where I am at right now. I have also accepted that it is probably where I will remain for a very long time.

I had Chipper since I was 11 years old. Me being an only child, he was like the little brother I never had. He brought our broken family together (at least, physically) and although it wasn't always easy, he was the one thing that we did always have in common. But more than that, he truly changed who I am today. If I did not have him in my life, I really feel that so many things would be different. The day that I took him home was the day that I learned how to love and be loved unconditionally. We grew up together and he taught me so much about myself, about life. I am so grateful to have had a friend like him for so long. Even if I knew how it would all end, I would have done it over and over again.

However, I have so much regret for leaving him for a week at the hospital, his final week. I often dwell on his final week there and ask myself what he must have been thinking. I feel guilty that he felt like he was being abandoned when that was something that we sheltered him from so much in his life. One day the doctor told us that he stood at the front of his cage barking, and I often get that image in my head and it rips me apart. He couldn't even see where he was because of his cataracts. It makes me feel so terrible because I know that he was barking for his family, the only people he ever knew or trusted. And we couldn't be there with him hardly at all in his final week. It really upsets me that the best and only gift I could give him for Christmas this year was the gift of no more pain.

It was very hard for my dad to come home to a house without Chipper. I realize that he did not exactly get the closure that me and my mother did. However, I was already searching petfinder. I knew that I would never find another Chipper, but I guess I really needed another to even half way fill the huge void that Chipper left in our home. While at a shelter a couple weeks ago, we ended up adopting a Rat Terrier named Diesel. Me, having my heart set on another dachshund, had no idea he was the one when I picked him up that day. He was missing fur, had a chunk of his ear missing, and had the cutest snaggle tooth I'd ever seen. What really got me was how content he was in my arms and how much he loved to kiss. I knew he was the one.

Although Diesel has made me extremely happy during a time when every thing is but happy, I cannot say the same for Hilton. She is absolutely terrified of him at times because of his food aggression (even though she is ten times bigger than he is). If she makes the slightest movement around him while he's eating, he will growl and lunge at her. This is very upsetting for us. We know that Hilton may very well be in her final years as well being that she is almost 10. We know she still misses Chipper too, she loved him. I have already all but accepted that she may never love Diesel but I do not want her living in fear in her own home. She was here a long time before he was! It's very hard to deal with the disappointments of a new pet while you are still grieving your last, and I realize I may have jumped into this too soon but I have already made a commitment to Diesel and I love him very much. He is perfect aside from this area. But I realize that I cannot keep making excuses for him when Hilton really is the first priority.

Sorry this is so long and thank you for reading.

More pictures, from the "beginning to the end."

What a courageous young lady you are to have found the strength within to do what was best for your little Chipper. Trust that Chipper knew exactly just how much you loved him.

I think animals know when somebody is trying to help them. Recently my chihuahua, Gidget, spent 4 days in the hospital. Normally she isn't friendly with strangers. She was the perfect patient for the docs and the entire staff..... much to my surprise. I believe she knew that everybody was only trying to help her and she welcomed the help. Your sweet Chipper knew he needed help and he trusted you to do what was right by him and you DID by leaving him in the hospital so that he could get the best of care. Chipper knew and loved you all the more for it!

I understand what you mean by "it not registering" until weeks later. Like you, I felt so numb and empty inside after my Goliath passed away suddenly a year ago this last November. The depression I fell into was one I thought I'd never find my way out of ever again........and quite honestly I didn't want to! The love of my life had died in my arms and I was convinced I must have died too because my world stopped turning. The pain, grief, and agonizing pain got much much worse before it got any better at all. It wasn't until a little over two months after Goliath passed away that I found LS. Here I found hope, inspiration, and a will to live again. Over time.... little by little....I became able to let go of the deep hurts. I had it in my head that if I let go of the hurt that I would also be letting go of Goliath. The opposite was actually true, at least for me it was. As I let go of more and more of the pain, the happy memories Goliath and I made together over the years began to surface more and more.

Have faith that the love you and Chipper shared in this world is now shared between worlds. Nothing can ever separate a loving bond such as yours....not in this world nor the next. Chipper's spirit is alive and well within you and all around you. I can see this so clearly through your very own expression of words about Chipper. What a lucky little 11 year old girl you were to have found such an everlasting love!

May Chipper's sunshine always reside in your heart and keep you in the warmth of his memories.

Hugs of love and comfort from my heart to yours,
Beth

I am so sorry about Chipper. You certainly did all your best for him and he knew that. I am glad you had him for over 10 years...we know no matter how long is never long enough. Your pictures of him and Hilton are so sweet.

If the only time a problem comes up with Diesel and Hilton is about his food aggression...see how you can feed them separately, maybe in different rooms with the dishes put away when they are done so no one goes back to a dish. Getting Diesel at a shelter...and not having raised him from a puppy, you don't know what is going on in his mind where food is concerned. (I sure found that out having just adopted a 2 year old shelter cat over a year ago). When I have raised puppies and kittens...it was different than one whose background we don't know about.

After I lost my last dog, I had 3 feral kittens born in my yard that needed a home. The boys were twins but the girl looked like who I think was her father. She followed the boys around but did not tolerate them near her, whether it was for food or just sleeping. She had a distance she was comfortable with and hissed if they came nearer. In time, they just ignored her but kept their distance and everyone got along. Maybe that would work with Hilton and Diesel. It may take some time for them to realize they both will be living with you and in time, they may even become friends. I have heard of new ones coming into a home and not adapting right away but eventually settling in and even making friends with the other occupants. Just a thought.

Sorry again about your boy. I'm sure Hilton does miss him also. You have bonded with Diesel so maybe give him and Hilton some more time...and maybe some space...particularly around food dishes if that is his only problem with her.

(Your Chipper looks like my Mom's dog from years ago).

I wish you peace and healing from your loss.

Judy

You do realize what a truely great gift you gave to your Chipper!! That is hard for some to realize. They depend on us to be able to do the speaking for them.

Beautiful pictures. Bet you have so many memories and stories. Hope you will share some with us when you feel like it.

Hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you so much for all your kind replies. Goliath, what you said about them "knowing" that they are being helped really hits home to me. Chipper never really cared for strangers either (we always joked that he lived in his own world and didn't think that anyone else outside of his family was supposed to exist); but while he was in the hospital, it does seem like he actually took to every one very well. One tech had come in and told us that he was her favorite one and they all just loved him there. We were like, "Wow, he really must not be himself if he is acting that way." Maybe he was just smarter than we thought.

Here's some pictures of the new boy. He was an hour away from being euthanized at a kill shelter when the shelter that I adopted him from rescued him and took him into theirs. I just found this out today after talking to the shelter owner. I told her that I am very grateful they did because I don't know what I'd do without him now! He's been a real blessing. At first I felt like I was betraying Chipper in his own home, and at times I still catch myself feeling that way. But I really think that Chipper knew he was the right one for me in his absence. He will never come close to replacing Chipper, but he provides the laughter, the pep, and the personality that this home was missing so much of. And it is even more rewarding knowing that even though I can not have Chipper anymore; because of the love he gave me over his entire life, I found room in my heart for another and saved his life in the process.

Here's Diesel with my boyfriend and Hilton:

And a picture of my first tattoo, a memorial to Chipper. He will truly always be in my heart.

I'm so sorry for your loss of Chipper. I loved the pictures and your special memorial tatoo is awsome.
I'm sorry you had to experience all this, but unfortunately it is the price we pay for that unconditional love. It will take time, but be at peace knowing you did all you could and you were there to give him the best gift you could. In return he wil forever be with you(and on you lol). It's something so hard to prepare for and many of us never do. You were very courageous to have gone thru all that. Wishing you a brief journey thru your grief and many long years with your new friend..Hugs. Ann