Before I say another word, I want to give Dayna and Toonie great big smooches for already remembering me and my boy today, through his last year's, 8 Year tribute. As soon as I'd peeked at the boards this morning, there was Sabin's thread, up and waiting for me.... ....as if we were still doing our morning routine, even all of these 9 years later......

Thank you SO much, you gals. I immediately felt less alone. That was so sweet of you both. I re-read my thread in its entirety and I'm so glad I did, for I'd forgotten that I'd included the link to that beautiful picture of the black and the grey cats who looked SO much like my kids, playing (this one ) and which I'd received as a sign from my Booblie that very morning last year. I actually chuckled a bit this morning because finding it again reminded me of Sabin's own story (thru an ACer) about always losing his first, little red ball underneath things (his one, tiny regret in his life). And I'd lost the link to this particular webpage awhile ago and had wanted to find that company again...so it was as if the roles were reversed this time and he helped me find something I treasured - that company AND especially that picture! (now it's properly bookmarked!)

I've been sitting here crying all morning, thinking about my guy, remembering his mighty presence here, listening to songs that remind me of him and all he means to me, with my heart feeling so lost because he always sends me a sign when I need him to, and there'd been nothing so far. The only thing I had was this song going through my head unceasingly for the last day or two. (if you read my substi tuted words while listening to the song while it's open in another tab in your browser, it makes more sense)

With This Tear (Celine Dion)

WITH THIS TEAR [substi tutions in parentheses, mine]

With this tear
I thee want
I long for you to talk to me like you did
That night (when you looked so gaunt)

You spoke of love so openly
And again and again you promised me
That you'd never leave
But now you're gone

With this voice
I thee call
Sometimes I catch myself
Calling your name
When you're not there at all

Please tell me what I did wrong
Why must I hear your voice inside my head
All day and all night long
It's not fair

(Bridge) (Ad-lib)

With these arms
I held you
When you told me you were dying
I had less courage it's true
And you (spoke) every day
(Talking) 'bout the things
That we could do
When your pain went away
But all that went away was you

With this tear
I thee want
I long for you to talk to me like you did
That night (when you looked so gaunt)

With this tear
I thee want
I thee want
I thee want
I thee want

With this tear
I thee want
I long for you to talk to me like you did
That night (when you looked so gaunt) you spoke of love so openly
And again and again you promised me
That you'd never leave
But now you're gone

With this tear...

And then I found this one, which I'd never heard by Enya before, speaking to my longing, to be with him, to 'hear' from him as I'd expected - If I Could Be Where You Are (Enya) And I sat and cried even harder...

And as I recalled all his mighty works of love, his really human sense of humour, his way of acting as our leader, and all the many roles he played for me in his life ~ son, spiritual & metaphysical mentor, best pal, quasi-partner ~ the power of his beingness and his so wise and Ascended Master-like ways made me know I simply HAD to include this one, too, because if Sabin had had a human voice, it would have been much like this, especially in the most powerful parts: Remember Me (Josh Groban) In hearing this again, I'm even more certain than ever that he and were husband and wife once before, in some beautiful, mystical dream-like lifetime gone by, as I'd always sensed when he was physically here with me. The love I have for his being just transcends time and calls to me, no matter how long it's been since we've been thinly separated by this veil....this veil I just want to rip to shreds, once and For Always !!!

And then it happened.........

I checked my emails.....and there, waiting for me, as always, was my boy's sign.....a message from a dear distance friend of mine, whom I'd first met on the now-defunct Heal-A-Pet Network and who sent distance Reiki to my girl soon after Sabin transitioned:

"Just wanted to let you know that as I finished an old novel last week, I was reading the ads concerning other books at the end and there was Sabin’s name!!! This was three days after I received your email of how you saw his name 3 times that week!"

HERE he was!!! And surrounded by "3"s as well! The 3 of us were a team, my healing work is linked to the #333 - so, the 3 of us; 3 days after; 3 times that week.....he's an astounding Being, my boy is, always sending me messages of love that hold so much MEANING!

And I love him and miss him like no other. It remains true, even 9 years later, that just as I used to read this to him whilst smooching his lips as he lay snoozing, it is still so:

How Do I Love Thee?

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of being and ideal grace.
I love thee to the level of every day's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for right.
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

~ Elizabeth Barrett Browning ~

I was going to share some stories and memories, and one other very special song for him today, too, but I find I'm needing to stay feeling quiet now for awhile, and just bask in the sense of his power and the poignancy of his message, at least for now.....maybe this is how he wants me to be.

I love your pictures. I know what you mean about missing your boy. I find I miss my Little Guy a lot lately. Sometimes because our love for them is so overwhelming...so is our sorrow and missing them.

We can touch their spirits but we wish so badly to hug their precious physical beings.

Hugs to you and your babies on this day and everyday.


Judy

Thanks, Judy. Yes, I love my kids' pix, too, but so unfortunately, I have very few GOOD ones of my boy, as his blackness was so hard to photograph easily, and so I missed many opportunities, back in the days of non-digital cameras and no timely retakes. That, plus the fact that he was one of those guys who hated the "C" thing, unlike Nissa who didn't mind at all having her pic taken.

A now-famous channelled being has said that we don't really even miss our loved ones, per se, but only the FEELINGS that they evoked in us and that brought us so much closer to our Source. I can buy that that's why those feelings are so important to us and even that that's one of the strongest reasons we miss their presence....BUT I just can't 'get' that we don't really miss THEM, because it is ALSO how their personalities (even if not their Higher Selves) expressed themselves that we also miss.

And yes, being physically oriented as we are on this plane, of course we also miss their physicalness, too. I always knew I would, despite also being aware that it was really, deep down, their SOULS and their expressions of those, that I REALLY loved the most. Ugh...it's just so hard when we can't seem to access those other realms 24/7.

I TOTALLY AGREE with all you said, especially your last paragraph.

Judy

How Do I Love Thee?

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of being and ideal grace.
I love thee to the level of every day's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for right.
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

~ Elizabeth Barrett Browning ~


I see you have chosen one of my very favorites to honor Sabin on this 9 year angelversary. It's wonderful to know that your sweet boy's life and love remain so connected with your own soul. Even through his death Sabin manages to continue touching your heart in leading you to even higher places. Your compassion and love flows so freely. Both of your kids have brought out the very best in YOU! Sabin's spirit will always shine brightly as you share his and Nissa'a love to all those around you.

When you're up to it, I'd love to hear some stories/memories you have of Sabin. Sometimes, when I write in my journal to Goliath, we talk about the wonderful times we had together. By the time I am finished writing, I feel sooo much closer to him.

May the wonderful memories always keep your spirit loving and free to guide you. I'm very thankful to have people like you here who are always so eager to help another. You are a passionate woman who's life has truly been blessed through the life you lived with your furkids. Such an everlasting gift Sabin left you.

Much love and many hugs from my heart to yours,
Beth

Dearest Beth,

How do I thank thee? Tears of gratitude welled up reading your sweet reply, from seeing the truth of how the Soul of My Heart, my Boo-Boo, has created such ripples in the world, and even better, how those ripples have been recognized and attributed to him. My heart just swelled with loving pride, knowing this is what he's done, not just for me, but for others as well! And there's my love for him again, grown even "better after 'death,'" being more concerned that HE be the recipient of any praise, rather than myself! It's a lovely reminder of how it always felt to be his Mom, a Mom.

Browning's famous poem touched deep, echoing places within my heart, whispering of how my love for my boy actually felt, each and every day, being with him, my soulmate, the one who opened me up so widely to the most glorious and wondrous of all the unseen forces of the universe, showing me how we're all much more connected than meets the common eye, proving to me that there is no separation, not really. Indeed, the "depth and breadth and height" of my soul was stretched, and even remembered, all because of his love. Sabin truly did "restoreth my soul" and my faith in something we're all a grand part of, in both the midst of the simplest of daily events, all the way to the most profound and awe-inspiring of times.....and even beyond his 'death.' This poem's last line became so poignant and meaningful, the very moment he was physically gone.....because it was so TRUE. It was the very first time I really understood what Browning had meant, what any poet tries to impart with their verse. If not for him, I don't know where I might be now. He paved the way, natural, wise leader and Master that he was/is, for me, for his sister, for the All That Is, to inspire and lend comfort and guidance during the happiest and most challenging of times. And he continues to do so, even today....

I just received yet another sign of his abiding presence yesterday, most interestingly, right before I got notification of your reply here. The same woman who'd seen his name recently was once again his chosen conduit and messenger for me. She told me in all of her 7 years with the ISUS, she's never seen his name (in her case files), yet there it was, showing up for her again last week, this time at work! That makes it twice for her, in 1.5 wks. Wow. She's blown away and so am I, and we're both utterly delighted and awestruck, too! I can't WAIT to see WHY he's coming through her...because I'm certain there's a higher reason that will unfold in time.

So how can one NOT have passion, with a spiritual leader such as he in my life?!

And while I still don't have time just yet to recount some of his stories, I did want to finally add that last, very special song of his. But some background to this is necessary first. This was part of a National Film Board award-winning animation. And here I have to note that the root of the word "animation" lends depth to this story.

Anthropologists have termed the name "animism" to the perspective that everything in the world, from rocks an trees, to all of the animals, is alive and conscious. "Animism" is the root word and the motivating principle for "animation." So the fact that I took inspiration from an animation to create this song for my guy is compelling.

Anyway, we'd watched this animation and its song just spoke to me of the relationship Sabin and I had with each other, and how he was always wanting to be with me, so I changed the words around a bit (as I was so fond of doing for him - or them), and keep in mind I most often called him either Boo-Boo or Bud, and this is how it came out:

Oh, my Black Bud, my Little Black Bud,
Black Bud will follow me wherever I may go,
I'll die with my Black Bud lickin' my sooooooooul,
(now here I ended up changing the words again, after he'd transitioned, to....)
And off to God we'll go, we'll go,
To Rainbow Bridge we'll gooooo!

(while not copyrighted, I'd ask that no one use, reprint or copy my version, please) I always sang this to him when were across the street, playing in the tall grasses.

And so in order to hear the tune and see the background to this, here, then, is the original, "Black Fly", which in and of itself is a rather amusing, little tale, which is another reason its song resonated so well for me, since Sabin had such a great sense of humour himself!