My Darling Kidlets,

Well, today you would have each turned the ripe old age of 22, were you still here with me physically. I'm sure you know Mommy's been weeping pretty much all day, except for having to stop for an hour to get her hair cut, and then rush home to spend more time with you, in my heart. I'd planned to do more writing to you both, but found myself unable to, instead just searching, searching, for songs that expressed everything you've meant to me...songs I'd played or sung to you in your honour...songs I'd played to memorialize each of you, that I have on CDs "just for you"....endless songs, new and old, that still can't begin to say it all. There were so many, my Sweetie, my Boobly-Boy, and I just got lost in them, in memories of you, in my tears. There's always too much to say and my penchant for expressing myself just dies in my throat and in my head....because, really, my tributes to you both reside mainly in the very core of my heart and soul, where words just aren't enough...just like the time we had here together. Never enough, never nearly enough. And so all I could do was listen to others' words and cry, wishing so badly that the biggest and most wondrous dream of my entire life hadn't come to an end. Wishing you were still here to give you special treats to celebrate your Birthday, spend extra, extra time playing or doing whatever you most wanted to do with Your Day. Wishing we could begin again, way back at Year One.

It doesn't make it any easier, either, when in only 2 more days, it will be your 2 Year & 5 Month Angelversary, Niski. Oooohhh, my aching heart!

I was freezing all afternoon and evening, though it was a warmer, sunny day. Was that because you were here, tightly encompassing me, whispering to me of your ever-abiding presence? Was that one or both of you, moving past the corner of my eye tonight, making me start, making my heart leap as high as you used to, with breathless anticipation of finally seeing you again? I hope so.... And of course I heard the couch creak, too, when 'no one' was on it....

I miss you both so much. And I miss US. I can't believe it's been so long since I've been able to hold either one of you or gaze into your eyes, our love for each other a palpable beam of soulful communion. My kidlets....my babies, mine....I send you all my love, wrapped up in the pieces of my soul that went with you, to cradle you always, never to let you go.

And so, for your Birthday, let me share just a very few of the songs that speak to me of you.


For you, Button, remember when I used to sing this one to you....always stumbling at the end, knowing what it would mean someday? And now that day has come...

[ sung to the tune of "You Are My Sunshine" ]

You are my sunshine,
My only sunshine,
You make me happy,
Cuz you are grey,
You'll always know, dear,
How much I love you,
Please don't ever go aaa-way.

I never knew any of the other verses for this, but saw the first verse today....and am glad I didn't know it then...

The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms
When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken
And I hung my head & cried


And for you, my Boo-Boo....my biggest fan of all the many songs I changed the words to in order to suit you. How you loved those expressions of my love for you. And how you loved to dance with me, especially to slow waltzes. This one was made for you and me, and every time Daddy and I rhumba'd to it, my heart was thinking of you. And when you left, I could not bear to hear it again for a long, long time. And I had to stop dancing for awhile. But today, this is my gift to you, for all that we ever were and always will be together...

Falling Into You - Celine Dion



For you both, my precious ones, "I" sing your praises to the heavens and beyond, for all you did for me, for saving me and protecting me from the ravages of this world, and Mommy is eternally grateful....

Because You Loved Me - Celine Dion


My heart misses you both so terribly much, and I can only hope and pray that captured in this song is the essence and peacefulness of your returns to spirit....and Niski-Pie, I hope you heard me playing this before, too, as we laid your sweet body to rest....

Somewhere Over The Rainbow - 'Izzy' K.'s version


Although there were many, many more for each of you, I couldn't possibly add them all here, so for now here is one last one, my dearests....had this been written long before, you would have heard it from my own lips, sung to you as a lullaby while we were still together here. From the depths of your Mommy's soul to yours, this was our life and how it was between us, wasn't it, my forever fur-children? If only I could really die, from the vast love and utter yearning these words stir up inside of me. THIS.....is what you both mean to me.

MIRACLE

You're my life's one miracle
Everything I've done that's good
And you break my heart with tenderness
And I confess it's true
I never knew a love like this 'til you

You're the reason I was born
Now I finally know for sure
And I'm overwhelmed with happiness
So blessed to hold you close
The one that I love most
Though the future has so much for you in store
Who could ever love you more

The nearest thing to heaven
You're my angel from above
Only God creates such perfect love

When you smile at me I cry
And to save your life I'd die
With a romance that is pure in heart
You are my dearest part
Whatever it requires
I live for your desires
Forget my own, your needs will come before
Who could ever love you more

There is nothing you could ever do
To make me stop loving you
And every breath I take
Is always for your sake
You sleep inside my dreams
And know for sure
Who could ever love you more

Miracle - Celine Dion

I love you, Kitten-Button and Budnicki, forever and a day, until the end of time. Happy Birthday, my darlings, and may you feel as young as you wish now, doing everything you hold dearest to your fuzzy hearts. Though I must count the years as they pass in this realm, in your Mommy's heart, you'll always be my babies, remaining forever young.

Rocks, scritches, rubs, hugs, kisses and smooches,
XOXOXOXO
Mommy

Your birthday tribute to your sweet kidlets touched me in the most sensitive and tender part of my heart this morning. I love the many nicknames you have given each of these beautiful children of yours. Sabin and Nissa were equally as blessed as you were in sharing their life and love with them. Your neverending love has kept them alive as you nourish their memories with so many expressions of the love that runs so deep in your heart.

Happy Birthday Sabin and Nissa. You gave your Mom the best gift in life that she could ever have dreamed of getting. Oh love.........sweet and tender love........so good and everlasting. I'm so glad you made your presence known on the couch to let her know how much you love her and are still with her.

Much love and many hugs to the three of you on this very special day.

Beth

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!! To your furbabies.

Hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear Furkidlets proof that love that grows still, love that reaches out in the dark, you are a wise woman to know the things you do.Echoed for me and mine, it was the best of times when we were 'us' . Sigh.

Nissa and Sabin: twenty two spirit bouquets of catnip and beds of velvet roses to each of you two xoxoxo

Thank-you so much, everyone, for your warm, loving words to both me and my beloved babies. I sure appreciate the time you took for that when I needed to hear from people who understand and care. I really need the cyber-company right now.

Yes, Beth, they both had a million nicknames, especially my girl, seeing as she was here longer for me to keep 'em coming! And they knew them all, such brrrrrilliant kids they were/are!

Thanks for the hugs and birthday wishes, sissycat!

And Toonie, I'm sure Nissa and Sabin are thrilled that you've sent them such lovely gifts from the heart! They did both love their nip plants. Plus, I'd scattered pink rose petals from Nissa's memorial rose bush on her resting place and inside her casket with her, too...so that was a very fitting gift. Next summer I'll have to have a nice, long soak in them myself.

There's been much bottled up and brought to the surface again in me, what with all the "doing" I've been immersed in for too long, and it's now all cracking wide open again with all these dates packed so close together....Nissa's coming up this Friday, the 23rd, then Sabin's 9th Year right around the corner, too, on Feb.2. (then my brother's, and just passed my Mother's) It's a very difficult stretch for me. Plus, a friend's dog just passed from cancer, too, so I'm rapidly running out of Kleenex here!

So I'm still in a big slump. This morning I also found this song. (did anyone listen to the other ones I'd put links to? they all just rip my guts out...)
Sand & Water - Beth Nielson Chapman

Somehow, I find this one a bit more comforting, knowing we all come in and go out the same way...even if I don't really believe we're "alone" in our cycles. It's got a very soothing melody, though, and I like the way it speaks to our eternal-ness.

Nissa and Sabin,


Here's a tear for the joy you brought into this world...and another for all that you took with you.

Happy Birthday Kiddos.

Dayna

Oh, that's so sweet, Dayna. You're so poetic! (I should get you to write my stuff )

On behalf of my 2 sweethearts, thank-you for the Birthday wishes. Huh...I also used to call them Liddo Kiddos, so that just sounded SO homey and familiar.

You know what we all need on YouTube? Someone to do these kinds of tunes up to ANIMAL videos/slideshows for a change! Something that would really speak to US folks, and get the perception out there changed, to let people know many people grieve just as heavily (or more so) over their furkids as they do for humans!

Hey, Jon.....you're good at this 'puter stuff!