Hi to anyone who's reading this... I found this site while I was at work today, and it's been so comforting to me to see that there are so many people out there with so much kindness and support for others who are grieving.

I'm about to lose my beloved Macca, my beautitful tabby cat. He's 10 years old, and was diagnosed with an intestinal tumour at the end of November. He's never been a well cat (he had cat flu when he was a baby, has had teeth trouble, skin problems, eye problems and, most recently, kidney disease), but he's fought back against everything, and I've always pushed for the best treatment and care for him. And somehow the fact that he was so prone to getting these crazy illnesses (he's had Athlete's Paw!) just made me love him even more, and vow to stand by him. Finding out he had kidney disease (I found that out last May) was a shock, but he was doing well, and I thought it was under control. And then this tumour comes along... Well, there's nothing I can do for him now. He's on steroids which are helping in terms of his appetite, but he's very sick - and it seems like he's getting sicker before my eyes. The vet told me to prepare myself for having to make the decision to euthanise. I'm in bits over it - when is the right time? At the moment Macca's eating well, he can walk about just fine, and his eyes - his lovely green eyes - are big and clear and as beguiling as ever. But he's not himself. How do we judge quality of life? He's skinny, he likes hiding rather than company, and he has terrible problems with his bowels. How do I know when is the right time? How can I even do it? It's like I'm grieving already, and he's still around. I love him so much - it hurts more now than it did when he was first diagnosed. It's like having razors blades in my chest, and a heavy weight on my ribcage. I do have another cat, Trixie, and thankfully she is strong and healthy and I'm grateful for that. But I'm in so much pain knowing that Macca's time is coming.

I'd be so grateful if anyone could offer any advice, or just words of comfort.

Dear Maccasmum,

I am so sorry for what you have to go through with your special kitty, Macca.

I really don't have the answer about "when" or even "how". I waited too long with one cat & felt so guilty for a very long time. Recently I had to decide the "right" time for my wonderful poodle. She too was prone to challanges from age 3-1/2 and I spent lots of money on her medical challenges as well as many, many hours of extra care.

Biggest problem was her back and that was the final decision maker for her. She survived the surgery at 3-1/2 that gave her 45% chance to ever walk again and I saw to it she recovered slowly. She had a few bumps in the road with the back but also had a kidney removed a week after another major surgery at 11. She started having difficulty again with the back legs and it got worse to the point that she'd have several days she litterly couldn't stand up or walk without looking like a bucking horse. She got cranky & as you can imagine the bathroom was a difficult issue so took much cleaning up. At her age & all she had already endured there was no question she couldn't go through much more.

Hardest decision I think most of us have to make. TO ME at least, much easier to see her go peacefully than watch the death of my cat on my lap 1 block from the vet screaming & writhing around obviously in pain.

Since you've had her 10 years you probably know her better than anyone. I agonized although I knew it was the right thing to do for her and drug my feet just "to see" if this would pass & she'd recover her legs again as many times in the past. So many things against her and her care was getting to the point that it consumed 24 hours a day almost as she now had seizures so I wouldn't leave her for more than a few minutes for fear of her injuring herself further. I guess I knew for several months prior to all this that she really did not have the quality of life she should have but couldn't give up on her because she never gave up on herself.

The way I've tried to cope is knowing that many times in her life she survived and I was able to provide the care she needed to recover. All in all she had a good life in spite of her medical problems, gave us 17-1/2 years of love and companionship so the least I could do was to have the courage that she had shown numerous times and do one last thing for her to help her be comfortable at last and forever.

I think I grieved beforehand also like you said you are. The week I waited for her appointment was really worse that the week after. And she had a REALLY good day 2 days beforehand that made me doubt myself too.

They say it is a heart/mind thing and I guess that is true. Heart doesn't want to let go but mind says you must. I wonder if it isn't also some of just the opposite..... the heart also knows you don't want them to suffer, but the mind says maybe they will be OK a bit longer at least.

There is support galore here and reading other stories and words of support given back my many is very, very helpful.

I think you'll know when the time has come. Admitting it was the problem for me I guess. It is agonizing I know. Let us all know how you are doing. Post any thoughts & feelings you have as well as pictures when you are ready.

You and Macca are in my thoughts today. Ginger

It is a heartbreaking time. I have been there more than one time. The words of comfort would be that you have Macca for 10 years and that shows how wonderfully you have taken care of him.

I have lost many a friend to tumors. My Little Guy (my avatar) was 16 1/2 and had trouble breathing ...it would have taken exploratory surgery to find what they believed was cancer and it would not have cured him to go through that. His twin brother, all of a sudden developed lymphoma at age 10 and was gone within a week. His tests did show cancer in both lungs.
My Little Guy also had problems with bowel movements. In fact, one time after getting out of the litter box he threw up terribly but the vet didn't seem concerned. It was when his chest filled with fluid that the instant decision had to be made cause he truly couldn't breathe very well and would have suffocated. All I ever remember when making the decision is it is important my babies do not suffer. If they cannot be cured, then I can't allow suffering.

You said: But he's not himself. How do we judge quality of life? He's skinny, he likes hiding rather than company, and he has terrible problems with his bowels. How do I know when is the right time? How can I even do it?

You know your boy better than anyone. Quality of life? There are different answers. One is when dignity is gone. As a vet told someone here on the forum once....it is when he is not having fun anymore. I had a vet tell me years ago about my 10 year old dog who developed tumors..that I could take her home but bring her back the minute she starts coughing up blood. These are reasons I have forced myself to make the decision. We make it because we love them that much.

I think it might help you to discuss it with your vet and ask the same questions you just asked here. Also, ask....what will happen as the disease progresses...what will his quality of life be like vs how it is now. Is he suffering now? Is there a way to help make his bowel movements easier? If Mecca was his cat, what would make him decide to go through with the final decision?
How much longer does he think Mecca has?

I always thought it was a good sign when they ate. But I also found out that that could turn around quickly.

It is never a decision we make lightly but sometimes it is one we make quickly (as I had to when my boy had to go to the ER barely breathing). We make it cause they cannot make it for themselves. It is the way we return that unconditional love they freely give us. Some here have said they waited too long and regret what happened but they waited cause it is so hard to let them go.

I would really take Mecca to the vet and just have a real discussion about it all...keeping in mind no decision has to be made at that time. But write down any questions you can think of about Mecca's condition and future condition and ask them all. Then scoop him up and bring him home and watch him and think about everything discussed. You will know in your heart when it is time even though at the same time your heart will not want to make the decision...it is never an easy decision..no matter what.

Each day is a gift. My boy had trouble eating for a couple of months. We found dental problems and thought that solved the problem. He was galloping through the house just 10 days earlier.
His x-rays 10 days earlier were clear..no fluid. But , like you have said, I noticed he was not himself and I felt so helpless to make him better and I told him so every time I hugged him.

I hope this has helped you. Write down anytime your thoughts and feelings. Keep us updated on how Mecca is doing. We know exactly how you are feeling.....that feeling has been a part of all our lives...more than one time.

Hugs to you and your babies. But I really would try to discuss all the pros and cons with Mecca's vet. Sometimes that can help because I know later on what has helped many was always to REMEMBER why the decision was made whenever it was. Then we remember how they were and how very badly we wanted to help them.

I hope you find out there is more time before any decision begins to be crucial.


Judy

Oh my heart breaks for you! It is never easy no matter what.
I do think that Ginger and LoveThem have about said it all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No one can make the decision for you just follow you heart/mind. You will know when it is time for him to make that journey to the Rainbow Bridge. We will all be here for you. Please keep us informed!!

Hugs and prayers for you and Macca!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi, maccasmum, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the agonizing decision that is facing you with your beloved Macca. What you are experiencing is known as Anticipatory Grief, but knowing the name of what you are feeling does nothing to soothe the pain of sorrow you are feeling. Macca is already giving you signals that his quality of life is diminishing - - seeking solitude instead of companionship and the loss of control of his bowels. His body is shutting down - - which is a normal process of dying. If he is still able to eat at will to whatever extent that is, continue to do so. However, force feeding will only put extra stress on his body for he will not be able to process the food. The most important thing for you is to follow your heart. You know Macca. This probably is your time of preparation to love him one day at a time and evaluate how he does accordingly. Over 2 years ago my 6 year old number one kitty son, Eli, was diagnosed wth end stage Lymphoma. We did the palliative chemo and we had 2 months together post chemo. When he stopped eating again and was treated for an infection, 2 days after bringing him home from the vet hospital I had to take him back for our final journey. He could not eat and fluid was building in his abdominal cavity. It broke my heart to let him go, but I couldn't let him starve to death or go into pulmonary distress with the fluid building in his body. His will to live was gone - - his body and spirit were exhausted - - and I needed to let him go home to the angels with his dignity still intact. I do know how your heart is breaking now, but I know you will do for your precious Macca what needs to be done. Thank you so much for sharing with us about Macca, and please know you are among friends here. We are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how things are going.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hello macassmom

Like the others I can't tell you the "right" decision. But I can tell you what I've experienced. I had a cat, Missy, with liver disease who died naturally and though it was painful to watch her waste away, my true gut feeling was that she preferred to quietly fade. She was still watching for mice and drinking water, but not eating, and I felt she didn't want to be taken to a vet for euthanasia. However, my dog Merlin as he got older, showed distress as his condition worsened, to the point that I felt he was not comfortable in his skin anymore. I think he would have hung on for a long time since he was such a devoted dog. I had him put under before euthanasia because that was less traumatic for both me and him. When he was under I realized it was the first time he was quiet and peaceful for a long while, even then his breath was raspy. I did not have regrets with him and I felt it was the right thing. These are our most special pals in the world and we hate to make decisions like this for them. It is never easy. With all my pets I take it day by day until the decision feels clear so that I don't have regret. There is no right or wrong in this and know that whatever choice you make, your baby will understand and love you just the same.

sending you my highest thoughts and blessings that you will have peace in this situation.

Jan.

Jan.

I was so overwhelmed when I saw all these replies: thank you so much Ginger, Judy, Sissycat, moon_beam and Jan. Your words of kindness and support mean so much. I'm so glad I found this site.

Everything that's been said, and reading about other people's experiences, is helping me to prepare. I'd never thought that maybe I could leave it too late - my worry was doing it too soon. I came home from work yesterday after spending the whole day trying not to cry, and Macca was outside and he came running up to me, his little legs going as fast as he could, his tail high in the air. I thought, "How could have even thought of putting him to sleep?" But then when I got inside he just ran upstairs and hid, which isn't like him. I have to bring his meals to him upstairs now - he lets me know when he's hungry, but he's frightened to go in the kitchen. I think this is because we give him his meds in the kitchen - although he's been on pills for his kidneys for six months now, he's getting more and more stressed every time we give him a pill (he has his steroids now as well). I know that if it weren't for the steroids he probably wouldn't be here now, or he would be very, very ill indeed. But I can see that the steroids are starting to lose their effectiveness as the cancer takes hold.

I'm going to take the advice offered, and I'm going to talk to my vet (who, thankfully, is fantastic). I took Macca in a couple of weeks ago and the vet and I had a very frank discussion, which was painful and helpful at the same time. He said that Macca's going to get worse, and that it won't be pretty or peaceful at all, and I should come to terms with the fact that I will have to euthanise him at some point. I asked him what to look out for but he said he couldn't say because every cat is different and every cancer is different. But he kept saying that when the time comes, I'll know, and several of you have said that also, which is comforting. Initially when Macca was first diagnosed they gave him 4-6 weeks, but he responded really well to steroids and had put on a bit of weight so I'd hoped for more time, but it seems like that time is running out now.

I feel sadder now than I did when I first found out about the tumour. My heart aches at the thought of not having him around. It just feels like the ten years have flashed by so quickly, and I want all of that time back. I never took him for granted - I told him how much I loved him probably a thousand times a day, I'm sure he was like, "Mum, I know, get off me!" - but still I don't know how I'll cope without him. I'm a writer and Macca would always curl up at my side while I wrote, and he used to listen (well, with his eyes closed!) when I read things out and made changes. And he'd inspire me, and has featured in lots of my stories... I feel that without him there will always be a hole in my heart, a little piece of me that's missing. I've fought so hard for him since I got him, and I can remember at the rescue home where I got him exactly how he looked when they put him in the carry box and gave him to me. I feel like we were meant to be together, and naively I never thought that one day we would have to part - and in such a painful way. It's so cruel.

Thanks again to everyone who's replied, or read this. It means so much.

dear maccasmum:

My heart goes out to you, your grief is real and very painful. I lost my 18year old beloved Mimi on 7/31/08; and I kind of knew during the last year it was coming; thankfully, she did not suffer. She started havng a hard time breathing, and my wonderful, compassionate vet took care of her; I was able to hold her and kiss her and sing to her while she was sedated, before the procedure. I wish I could tell you it gets better; but for me, I can still only go only a few days and then I'm back to sobbing.

I thank her every day for enriching my life for all those years; I hope she feels the same about me. Somehow, they let you know when it's time; she let me know and I knew I wasn't coming back from the vet with her. This has affected me so much more than even my mother dying (a long time ago) - GRIEVE as long as you need to; she was the most important person in my life!!! After all you and Macca have been through, believe me, he knows the love he is being showered with. My prayers and thoughts are with you - God bless you for enriching and loving your animal.

Bobbi

Everyone has already given such good advice, so I'll just add a few things.

You might try reading through these articles (see both posts) I'd posted about Defining Quality of Life to see if that helps you in deciding upon a time for helping Macca in his transition.

For me, for my Sabin, who also had cancer, I believe I waited too long...and yet, at the same time it also seemed rather 'right' as he always preferred to do things HIS way and in his own timing. I won't really know for certain though until we're together again in spirit, or I have some elevated experience that gives me the whole answer. However, the place of peace that I believe we all return to is not supposed to be filled with earthly-perspective judgment, but with love and a higher understanding of earthly life events, so I believe it WILL be okay in the bigger picture, no matter what ends up happening or what you may decide. And in any case, yes, Sabin certainly DID let me know, in numerous ways afterwards, that he still loves me all and just the same as ever, despite any mistakes I made. As he 'said,' "There is nothing TO forgive," and that he definitely FELT all the love (and there was a LOT!) that had been around him as he was ill and then dying.

For his sister, Nissa, it was obvious her time had come to return to spirit, but she'd still been trying to enjoy, as much as was possible, her regular routines outdoors (with me there; in summer) right up until 2 days before we were able to get a vet to our house to help ease her out of her body. I felt I was terribly conflicted at the time, for both of their physical deaths, but in retrospect, I think I did at least okay, and certainly did the BEST I KNEW AT THE TIME, which is all we can ever do, no matter what it is we're dealing with.

A natural death, while I prefer the idea IF possible, must also be carefully managed and monitored (for pain, etc.), with as much expert help as possible. You can access some information about this way here.
Though your extreme and dedicated LOVE for him, as we all do, in our own ways. If you can't trust anything else inside yourself right now, trust in your love for Macca and know that your heart, more than your head, but still using your head in appropriate ways, will guide you. As may he, himself, by letting you know in some way that it's time to help him.

As moonbeam said, this is Anticipatory Grief, and is just as hard as the grief that follows the actual 'loss' of our loved ones. In some ways, it's worse, and in some ways 'better.' But they're both very difficult journeys, to be sure. My best piece of advice for this time is to just try to stay as soulfully connected to your boy as possible in any given moment. That alone will end up helping you deal with each day, each hour and each minute as things change. And I'm glad you're going to be talking to your vet in more detail, too. That kind of information, albeit painful to hear, can often help a lot as we muddle through.

I'm so sorry you're having to go through all this, just as many of us have, and I, too, know how awfully it hurts. Holding you in gentle, empathetic thought....

Hi,

I am so sorry to hear about Macca. I went through the same thing with my cat Casey (he was 12 years old). He was diagnosed with cancer on Oct 24 and we had to say goodbye to him on Nov 13th (two months ago today). I too grieved for him even before he was gone. When the day came, we just knew it was time and we had to release him. It is a hard decision to make, but one you make out of love for your pet. We miss him very much, but it does get a little easier with time. I look at his picture daily and tell him how much I love. I know he is happy in heaven and that one day we will be united again.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Karen

Thanks again to everyone who has replied and shared their experiences and offered advice and support.

I have reached a decision that I think the time has come for Macca. His eyes have now lost their sparkle and it feels like he's given up. Also he's starting to lose interest in his food, and he looks so sad. If he could, I think he would weep. My heart is breaking and I'm plucking up the courage to call the vets today and make the appointment. I've decided I want to be with him when the vet puts him to sleep but that's as far as I've got with my thoughts. I keep trying to prepare myself for the reality of what's going to happen - that I will see him pass on to the next world (please let there be a next world!) and that he won't be in my home or in my arms ever again, but my mind just shuts down and won't let me think those thoughts. I'm so scared - I'm scared for him, and I'm scared for me. I would so appreciate any thoughts or experiences people feel they can share. I never, ever thought this day would come, although I was always afraid of it.

Bobbi - I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Thanks for adding your words. You are an inspiration in the way you were able to be with your baby at the end and show so much love at such a painful time. I'm hoping I can be the same with Macca.

Thanks to Furkidlets' Mom for your thoughts too and for the Quality of Life info. It certainly helped me to seal the decision in my mind. I'm sorry for what you went through, but your perspective really helped to calm my thoughts.

Karen - I am so sorry about Casey. It's comforting to know my pain will ease one day.

Oh Boy, do I remember how difficult it was to make that appointment!

I remember asking if they do the 2 stage.... a shot first like they were going to have surgery before the injection to stop their heart. We were not near her long time vet so I was very concerned about her reaction plus we had never seen this vet.

I could not believe the compassion we received at this brand new vets office! They gave her the first shot & left us in the room to be with her as the shot did it's job. It was as if she was just sleeping in my lap. So calm & free of pain. I stood by her side & stroked her head during the injection and it was totally uneventful and quick. The vet & tech both gave me a big hug & left the room for us to spend as much time as we wanted with her.

It was of course emotional but not traumatic for me. I am bawling just writing about it. I had a cat PTS and it also was not unpleasant but the cat that died in my arms convinced me that I never wanted to allow them to suffer ever again. My grief was so different with her than it has been with the ones that went peacefully.

By no means is it an easy thing to do but it was a difficult final gift of love for me. I can remember my Grandma, who lived to be 100, used to say to me..... "if I get to where I don't know anyone anymore, or need machines, please hit me in the head with a baseball bat!" So when her time came...... no I didn't do as she requested............... I just did not allow recessitation or atrificial means......... I let her go...........

Our animals cannot tell us what our humans can so I guess it is up to us to know them well enough to do what I am sure they would want for themselves. If we never had them we would not have to do this............ but would you rather to have never had them? I think not.

Thoughts and prayers to you as you and Macca pass to the next phase of this journey called life.

Ginger

Ginger - thank you so much. I just made Macca's appointment - it's for 5pm on Friday. I could hardly get the words out when I was making the appointment. It felt so like, "Okay, there's the time he's going - this is all you have left." I have a really good vet, and he's coming in especially for Macca, so I'm hoping I can have a 'good' experience like you. I hope it can be peaceful for him like you describe... I worry that I'll be hysterical and not be able to be strong for him and not worry him. I'm really panicking as well that I'm doing the wrong thing, although in my heart I know it's the right thing, if that makes sense..? And you're right - I would go through this all over again just for even one minute of all the love he gave to me.

Oh, this is so hard... How will I make it without him?

This is the time when you start living as if every second were your last one here, too, as that's how it can feel. So it's also the time to make the very most of what time you have left together in the physical, helping to create and experience the kinds of memories that will help you feel a bit more grati*tude for and peace about these days later on. Here are my suggestions for how to do that:

Tell Macca everything you can possibly think of that you want him to know. Speak to him of your love & his life with you, perhaps share some of your best memories of your life together with him, and anything else you think of. Spend as much time with him as possible, do whatever special things you can still do for him, and even if he doesn't want to eat much now (this is a natural part of the bodily preparation of dying) you might find something else he'd still find pleasurable, such as sniffing some catnip, or snuggling up to a favorite toy or pillow or what-have-you. You could also offer him homemade (unseasoned) chicken broth, to keep him a bit more hydrated and comfortable; or even water from a syringe (slowly in small drops). Also, providing an optional & gentle means for him to stay warm &/or a hidey-hole of some sort would probably be appreciated, and take these with him if the vet isn't coming to your home. (this is another service you might want to consider, if your vet offers it) Play soothing music for him, or otherwise try to create a relaxing and loving atmosphere for his special time, and to help YOU stay a bit calmer, too. This is the time for the two of you to more fully treasure what you have with each other. But don't worry if you miss telling him something - you can always tell him later and he'll still hear you.

Reassure him now, ahead of time, about the totally safe, loving, peaceful, abundant and pain-free realm/plane he'll be easily stepping into, even if you're not sure about what it holds yourself. If this doesn't feel right for you, tell him whatever you CAN believe or imagine about it, such as who he might be greeted by there. If they're ready to go, from what I've learned, animals don't fear transitioning the way we humans often do, so try not to worry about that part once it's happening. If you'd like him to visit you in spirit, or come back to you (if you believe in that possibility), let him know that now.

Something most people usually don't do, but which I feel is incredibly helpful and loving to do for their loved one (esp. cats, who really don't relish surprises), is to find out first about what the whole procedure will entail, and let Macca know ahead of time what the steps will be (this includes any trip to the clinic, if that's what you're doing). And here, I'd like to suggest that you make SURE a pre-procedure sedative is given before the final injection, to keep him calm. Trust me, they should be given, to avoid any possible added trauma (that I won't go into here) for either one of you. You should also find out ahead of time where they're planning, or might plan, to give these injections, as that will allow you to pass the information on to Macca and you'll both be more prepared, as well as help keep you a bit more 'in the moment' at the time (for both your sakes), w/o having to wonder about what's next. Depending on which type of injection (and WHY that type) your vet plans on giving [there are 3 main ways they are given, usually depending on the state &/or needs of the patient at the time, or other important considerations...and this information should be willingly shared with you by your vet, if you ask], it's also good for you to know how quick or not it will be, based on which method they decide upon. It helps to be prepared for any eventuality, so you're not adding to your upset at the time.

You might also ask your vet ahead of time whether you will be allowed to stay with him for as long as you need afterwards, or if they have a separate room for that to which you can go and sit, or whatever that clinic provides. If there's nothing really provided, you can ask for it ahead of time and see if they'll grant you what you'd like.

Another important aspect that sadly many people aren't offered is the chance to discuss beforehand what they might wish to do for "arrangements". You don't want to be having to address this when you're least able to even think, and you don't want, I'm sure, to be quickly forced into making a decision and then regretting it later because you weren't aware of all the options and DETAILS. It may hurt to think of this now, but if, say, you'd prefer a "private" cremation versus a group one, now is the time to make those wishes known, rather than being shocked later because you didn't know. If you might want an autopsy (I refuse to use the deragatory term of "necropsy", exclusive to animals), now is the time to ask about that as well.

And when the time comes, allow yourself to feel however you're going to feel, whether that will include, as it has for some, actually feeling the peace that may enfold the room, sensing or even seeing the soul leave the body, or any number of other possible things like that, or, crying hysterically, or gently, or whatever it is going to be for YOU. Just allow it to be as it is. If you shed tears, please don't feel that Macca won't know that they come from your love for him. He will feel the energy of that love and know it's for him. Give yourself this permission and don't allow anyone to make you feel that there's anything 'wrong' with whatever your experience or reaction is.

I feel in these ways, you can be there for your beloved one in many ways you won't regret later on, in ways that will help you feel you did whatever was possible to help the both of you through such a painful and stressful time. My aim, when Nissa was dying, was to focus on whatever I felt was best for HER, first and foremost, and to give her any possible aid w/i my means. To me, this was all about HER and her dying and I didn't want to miss anything I felt would be important to me afterward. This intense focus, plus the protective numbness/shock helped keep me calmer than I'd ever been before when dealing with anything so emotionally-awful in my life.

Unfortunately, the particular vet our clinic sent to our home screwed a few things up for her/us, but at least these weren't MY mistakes and I can still say that I did everything I knew to do for my little girl, and the rest was out of my control.

We'll all be there with you in thought on Friday evening, and of course, after. You will be with him during his next rite of passage and that's such an honour and honourABLE thing to do, for the both of you. Your love will stay with Macca, rest assured, as his will stay with you, as a part of you that also will never die. Peace to you both....

I know how hard that call was for you to make, but from what you said I feel you made the right decision for your little guy. It is obvious you love him very much and do not want him to suffer. When I took Casey I had a strange calmness during the procedure, I knew I was doing the right thing. My regular vet was not there that day, Casey was having trouble breathing (lung cancer) and we did not want to make him wait until she could be there (we just adore our vet) . The vet that did see us was very compasionate and gentle. She gave him a shot to sedate him (she said some people leave at that point as the pet no longer is aware of their surroundings, I stayed) and then gave him the shot to stop his heart. It was very peaceful.

I know this is a very difficult time for you and my thoughts are with you.

Karen

OK....... one hurdle over............ now the waiting................... and Furkidlets Mom has wonderful suggestions how to help with that wait.

I know that not being able to even speak when making the appointment. I even asked "can I come now?" I wanted to get it over. Afraid I'd change my mind. They were too busy and since we were in a rural area she had to be transported for cremation & they only went there once a week. I scheduled it for the next week. They said you don't have to wait till then, we can do it any day & transport her next Thursday. NO WAY did I want her to lay there for a minute longer than she had to and I could spend that time with her if she had to wait.

Longest but also shortest week of my life I think.

Since she had trouble walking, I carried her outside a lot that next week to smell the fresh air and look all around the farm that she would have enjoyed growing up on. I talked to her a lot and told her how much I loved her. She did enjoy the summer there and I was grateful for that.

My sister-in-law had lived on that farm for 40+ years and she is the only person in 17-1/2 years that Flossie allowed to pet her at first sight. The first time we visited her Flossie made herselt at home. From that day whenever we took our yearly trip, Flossie went right in her house & straight to the area that Darlene always put her water dish for our visit just as if we'd been there yesterday. Though Darlene no longer lived at the farm during any of our visits, it just seemed as though it was a fitting place for Flossie to spend her final summer. Her ashes will return there in a few months with us to spend another summer. My husband also grew up on that farm so we feel very comfortable & peaceful there. I guess she'll continue to travel with us like she had for the last 8 years. Right in the middle of the van like always.... just tucked into the console rather on the pallet we had for her.

Cherish these last days and I wish you a peaceful, comforting experience as you help your Macca pass to the Rainbow Bridge.

I read with tears about your making the appointment. Memories do that to us.

When I had to do that with my Little Guy's twin brother, Keeper, in 2002...I called a mobile vet who came to the home. That was the first time I heard about a sedative first. She suggested it and said Keeper would just be sleeping peacefully and we could hold him and cry and be upset and he would not know. We did that and my husband held him the whole time (Keeper was also his boy as well as mine) and then the vet after so many minutes said he would be waking up soon and it was time to make the decision of whether to do it. Keeper was having trouble breathing we found out even though he was hiding it and within a week x-rays had showed tumors in both his lungs growing fast. We had her go into a spare bedroom with him and we waited. We have not been able to be there with them as they passed. I think we wanted to feel that the memory we wanted was to know they were alive when we last held them. We just are never brave enough as others to go the distance but we were always nearby until we were told they had passed. In Keeper's case, the vet said, as a comfort to us, that he went very quickly which meant he was barely hanging on and not showing it to us.

It is such a helpless feeling when you look at them and think....there is no cure...I cannot make you well again and I want to so badly.

My prayers are with you and Macca. In the past when I would drive to the vet, knowing why I was going...I always kept the thought in my mind that I can always change my mind, and even with a sedative first....again there is time...I still have the choice. I can take them home. But when the time does come for the decision at the vet...I then remember why we are there...what my baby's life is day by day and how he has changed because of the illness and how he can't make himself better and neither can I nor the vet and because I love him so much...I never want to see him suffer if I can prevent that ending. That's when I give the permission and then cry hysterically when I know my baby can't hear my grief. I want him to be peaceful and not upset cause he feels I'm upset. I guess that's why on the drive there I keep reminding myself I can always change my mind...that thought keeps me calm in front of my boy.

I am so sorry. It is a devastating time. I have been there doing exactly what you are doing, more than one time, and so has so many here. We share your pain.

Hugs to your Macca and you.

Judy

I almost forgot to mention. I took fur of each of my 3 babies from their hairbrushes (they loved to be brushed) and I put some in a air tight ziplock bag along with a favorite toy (usually a small ball) with their name. I find that when pictures and memories are not enough....there are times that by running their fur through my fingers is one way I can stay in physical touch with them forever. My Keeper was in 2002 and even today in that bag...the fur is as soft as it felt on him.
You might want to think about having some of Macca's fur. I find comfort in remembering what I am touching was actually a physical part of them.

Everyone here has so much good advise for you. I can't think of anything else that should be said.

Just know we are all there with you on Friday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Enjoy these last couple day. I wished I would have known I was loosing my Sissycat. I could have and would have told her and done so much!
Great tip about saving the fur. I saved a little but not enough. What a great mommy you are. Don't ever think different. To be able to make that choice for him when he needs your help the most--that is a great gift!!!!

Sending you so many hugs and prayers to help you through this.

Hugs to you and Macca!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks so much for all of this support and advice. Macca was very sad last night and wasn't too interested in his food, and was also sick in the early hours. I feel terrible guilt today - he was scratching at my door this morning to get me up for his breakfast, and even the noise just broke my heart. He came into the bathroom with me and was looking at me with his lovely eyes... I know rationally that he is very ill and this is no life for him, but I feel so, so guilty that tomorrow his life will be over.

The stuff Furkidlets' Mom wrote made me think, and I've now decided what I'd like to happen 'afterwards'. The point about the cremation thing is something I'd not thought of - I'm going to insist on an individual one. I've also chosen a nice casket - a sleeping cat curled up in exactly the way Macca used to sleep (and boy did he love his sleep!). I'm also going to ask about the sedation - I do trust my vet though, and I know that he will do his absolute best for my boy.

I've been playing Macca some of 'our' songs and talking to him and letting him know how I feel. I'm happy though that throughout our ten years together I told him a hundred times a day how much I love him, so I know he knows. It comforting to think I will still be able to talk to him when he's gone.

I hope I can get through this. I'm so scared and sad.

((((MACCASMUM)))) I just lost my baby on the 13th, and I think I waited too long, and he became dehydrated and when they tried to put him to sleep it caused him alot of pain before they could get the meds in. Your baby's symptoms sound alot like what my guy went through.........in your heart, you know it is just a matter of time, and if I had it all to do over again, I wouldn't have waited that long. When the time comes, make sure they give him a sedative before they try to give him the final shot..........i was totally traumatized by how long it took and how much he cried......i don't ever want any other animal or owner to go through what I went through. one nice thing that my boyfriend said to me that helped me go through the painful decision was that what we were doing was an act of mercy and love.......hugs to you, sweetie, I know your pain!!!

Terri

I hope I can get through this. I'm so scared and sad.

Remember you are not alone. We are all with you in this. We have been there in your shoes and while we know what we are doing is all we can do to help our special one, that thought does not take away the trauma, the sadness, the tears. It is all part of the package we accepted when we took them into our lives and we would not trade one moment of the happiness we shared with them...to avoid this sadness and pain we will go through.

Remember WHY.....remember the things that showed you he was not acting the same as he used to. They try to hide things from us but they can't hide everything they do.

Even knowing WHY does not lessen the pain we feel but it does remind us, there comes a time when they ask us to do for them something they cannot do for themselves. They give us years of unconditional love and when it comes time to repay them, it is with doing something that is the hardest thing to ever, ever do. We do it out of love. When it is their time, we cannot truly help them feel better anymore and it is a helpless, sad, and scared feeling.

As I said, what helps me a little bit is keeping the thought in the back of my mind that I can always stop it, until the actual moment the vet has to bring peace. I guess as I say the final Yes is when I remember again the WHY and feel the hopelessness of having no choice.

They are such a part of our life and our hearts, we can always find something that still seems normal...but we also know other things that tell us their life is not normal anymore.

All our prayers are with you and Macca. You have a bond of love that can never be separated.
Hugs and more Hugs to both of you,
Judy

You and Macca are very much in my thoughts and prayers tonight.

Love,
Dayna

Was just thinking of you and your Macca!!!!!
Hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi everyone... Thanks to everyone who's written with lovely supportive words - I don't know how I'd cope without you guys right now!

Well, my baby's gone... I'm so pleased to say he went extremely peacefully. The vet told me everything I should expect, but thanks to people here I was so prepared for the eventualities. He went in seconds - I was so surprised how peaceful it was. The vet laid him down, and after a few seconds I knew he'd passed. A minute went by and the vet shone a light in his eyes and I asked if he'd gone, and he said he had. My little man went with peace and dignity. It was such a hard day - I sat with him all day until it was time to go, playing him nice music and burning some jasmine oil and things. I cried so much all day, although I tried not to be too sad in front of him. Thing is, today is the first day I've seen him sleep in about a week. When I was sitting with him he actually curled up and slept for a bit, which just made me feel even worse. But maybe, as was pointed out, if I'd left it longer he wouldn't have gone so peacefully.

I felt reasonably okay until I got home. And then it hit me like a sledgehammer. My other cat, Trixie, knows something is up with me, and she keeps looking round the house for him. I went to give her some food and getting out one bowl instead of two jabbed me like a knife. And now I can't stop crying. I just want him back. I want to see his little face and his lovely paws. I thought the pain would be bad, but I wasn't prepared for this. I could just cry forever.

Yes, now begins the hard part............... and you will feel like you could cry forever.

The first pet we put to sleep surprised us also how peaceful it was. So that made me vow that I would always try to be sure I was strong enough to make the decision in time for all my pets to go peacefully. I know I could have held onto Flossie longer but I was so afraid she'd take another bad spell and she had already endured too much.

I am so glad he went with peace and dignity. To me, that was the important thing for my Flossie.

Just because you were strong enough to go this far does not mean you cannot let go now. It's been an agonizing time for you and now you can let go. Macca is not right there to hear you so it's not like you have to hide from him to do your crying anymore.

My daughter's cat really misses his life long companion but is now beginning to come around to play with our new kitty. Fat Boy is 13 and the new one is about 9-10 months old. He actually grabbed her by the leg when she was taking Lady out the door to the vet at 2am. Like he knew she wouldn't be back. Trixie will surely try to comfort you and she probably needs some extra love herself for a while at least. It's a life changing event for both of you.

Please know I am thinking of all three of you tonight and sending love & hugs your way.

Ginger

I found myself holding my breath all through your post, now that the time has comet. I'm just so, so sorry, and sobbing right along with you. Each animal's parent's pain reminds us of our own final moments with our beloveds, too, so it's easy for our hearts to open up in shared sorrow.

But you will always now have the comfort of knowing you were there for your little guy, giving to him all along, being right beside him to soothe and love him up until he crossed from one world into another, taking his mommy's love right along with him.

It was just fine that you cried as you needed today. You can trust that Macca knew full well your heart's deepest and truest essence. And yes, let your tears flow even harder now and he will still feel the great love that gives rise to them. Now is the time to grieve, maybe not as much for what he has gone to, as for yourself, in missing him so.

I'm so glad and relieved that it went so smoothly for you both.

I know how hard it is to have all the usual, daily things you once did for your boy suddenly leaving such an empty void. It's very, very difficult and it will take some time before it ever starts to become your 'new normal'. So pour what you can into Trixie's needs and you and she will slowly help hold each other up through this most sorrowful transition. I believe it's also beneficial to tell her, in words &/or in mental pictures, what happened to her pal. They DO understand at some level, so I feel we owe our remaining kidlets that, to help them through their own grief, too. Doing so may also help you, by allowing you more expression of your natural grief and pain.

May the angels uphold you all in their loving embraces, today, and in all the coming days. You have my deepest sympathy.

I had your date on my calendar for Macca to be sure I came here today.

Thank you for coming here during this difficult time and letting us know how you are and what happened.

I am glad to hear Macca went peacefully...it sounds like that fact has really helped you a lot.
When you talked about him going very fast...it reminded me of what I told you in my first post to you here..about my Keeper..and the vet telling me he went very fast which told her he was very weak and it was definitely time. She told my husband and I to comfort us knowing we were so torn about making the decision. One week before, everything was okay so only have that short a time to make such a decision, of course, we couldn't believe it. But we did it cause his test results showed he had all of a sudden become very sick.

Now your boy is an Angel, in no discomfort, his spirit is part of you and will remain with you always.

It is the time to cry and then cry again. Oh, yes, we want them back so badly. But then I remember a member here saying only if they could come back healthy. And we know that can't happen. I hope you saved some of his fur....I think you will find some comfort in having that.

I am glad you have Trixie and so still have a furbaby. We will love our special ones forever and we will miss them forever and that's is why the pain will quiet down some but truly never is gone completely.

This is the most painful, devastating time. I remember coming home without my boy(Little Guy....Keeper's twin brother) from the ER. I just cried until I was exhausted..then I cried again and again. We want them with us forever but we can't control that. All we can do is the best we can for as long as we are allowed to by fate or whatever decides it is their time to go.

It is the good, happy, healthy memories and pictures that help us heal. And it takes time.
I always think.............Grief can come quickly but Healing always takes time.

Yes the pain is as bad as you have found out. When I feel really down, I remember why I had to lose him...for his sake...for him not to suffer. I still have tears but I know my decision gave him peace at a time a horrible illness decide to invade his body. When there is no hope for a cure or quality of life....that is what devastates us also. We have to make a decision we never want....because we love them.

Like one "Mom" here said: The pain of losing him will never ever be bigger than the joy of knowing him.

When I feel the pain.....I make myself remember the joy of the time we had together. It helps.

I wish you peace and healing and a big, tight, cyberhug!

You have a special Angel now and he will be with you 24/7. He can't leave because he is now a permanent forever part of your heart.

Judy

Well I'm a blubbering mess, and I can't think of a single wise, or comforting thing to say except God Bless you for the selfless love that was your latest, but not likely your last gift to Macca.

BK. slept too... after the decision... before the sedative... in the arms of blessed young e-doc who so tenderly sent him home. And then I slept for 14 hrs. and woke up in a world I hadn't seen in 24 years.

You and Trixie will draw strength from each other. Your tears are your weapons against the sickness that overcomes people who can't acknowledge loss. They are the badges of your victory over fear.

My Angels I dispatch to you with my sympathies and my prayers,
Dayna

So sorry for your loss Maccasmum. There's really nothing anyone can say right now. My boy has been gone two weeks today and just know that it does get easier. Slowly but surely good memories and smiles will replace the pain and emptiness. I have found a lot of comfort just hanging out with and paying attention to my other cats. If you let them they will make you smile.

I'm so sorry to hear of Macca. I'm glad you found this site and got some helpful advice and support before hand. Too many of us have come after the fact; with no time to prepare. When I put my Arthur down, I felt so guilty afterwards. (still do at times)Even though I go back to that day over and over and remember his suffering and felt it as if it were my own and just wanted it stop. The hole in our hearts will never completely heal. However, you must feel peace with yourself that you gave Macca the best care and 10yrs with him is a good long time to share together. Time, right now is the only thing some of us have to heal. I wish I had done the sedation thing, it would have saved me from a lot of bad memories of our last moments together. Cremation, was a good decision for me. I looked at it as borrowed time. To hold onto for as long as I wanted. I thought I'd might bury him later, but only could part with a little. Most will stay with me, and a little I put in a pendant to comfort me on days that I feel I need him close...My heart goes out to you and I hope you will find the strength to cope. We are all here for you...Hugs..Ann

Thank you so much to everyone who's posted on here - I'm so touched, I really am. I wanted to come on here over the weekend and write, but I just couldn't. I've just been kind of frozen. If it wasn't for Trixie, I would've completely fallen apart. Everyone who's said having another furry friend around really helps is absolutely right. She's been a treasure. She's missing Macca too - just this morning she was standing on the stairs howling for him. She's very sensitive, and she seems to cry when I cry, if that makes sense. Without her, I don't know what I would do.

I seem to either feel like my chest is hollow, or it's heavy. I keep hearing Macca around, and I keep thinking, "Where he is?" and then remembering all over again. And I find myself checking his basket, though I know he won't be in it, just to be sure. I can't sleep properly, and I ache for him all the time. I'm lucky - he went peacefully and with grace and dignity, but I just want him back. I was laying in bed this morning thinking that I would give anything - anything - for him to push the door open with his little nose like he used to, and come bounding over to my bed with his morning chatterings. Even the sight of his pills makes me so sad.

My heart goes out to everyone on here who has lost one of their babies - now I truly know your pain.

We each write when we're able and up to it, so no apologies necessary. We all know how it is.

I'm glad you and Trixie are helping to hold each other up during this most-challenging time. It's what we do for those we love and I'm sure she feels the same way about you - without you, what would SHE do? Let that mutual love do what it's designed to do and you'll both find treasures in each other that you never imagined.

My chest felt the same way as yours does, but with the added physical symptom of searing pain in my heart. (this latter point was later mentioned to me as part of a communication I had done with my girl, so she knew how I'd suffered over her loss....) There were many times I sincerely wished that pain would give me a fatal heart attack, so I could quickly join my girl. I even told my H that IF anything like that happened, to PLEASE just let me go and not call any ambulance or doctor. There are still times I wish that had happened. It would have made things so much easier. But then, I had/have no one left at home to take care of, either, so that's a bit different. When Sabin left, I still had my girl, Nissa, so I HAD to tough it out, no matter what. (and she became ill only 2 wks. after he'd left so it was extra hard to cope)

That's very natural, too. It may help you to know that, to this day, I have not been able to box up and put in storage my girl's many supplements and other aids, as well as a few of her meds. & last homeopathic remedies. (some I took back to the pharmacy for recycling - the most painful two) I regrouped them into one little cabinet, but that was the extent of it. One remains in the fridge, too. After some time, I realized that having them out of direct sight yet still close by to where they used to be helped me remember more of the details of our life together, and so is still good for me in some way. But I couldn't even look at or touch them for at least the first whole year. Even taking some of them myself if I needed to for some ailment caused me terrible pain, despite her and I having shared some of them before -- they were really supposed to be mainly HERS! Even now, seeing the expiry dates long past on some of them.....just rips me apart. To think, it was THAT long ago already...seems like a different lifetime sometimes.

But as many of us have said before, and as grief therapists know, too, this pain is often seen by us as the last link we have to our loved ones, and so we'd rather have it than not. It may be a sort of skewed way of looking at things, but there it is, all the same. And at least that helps us for a time to cope with it on a deeper level. I incorporated that aspect as just another part of our continuing relationship, and so it became as sacred to me as any other part.

So yes, you know more of others' pain now, too....but it's not something we'd wish on anyone, and we'll be here for you as you struggle through it.

maccasmum

Sorry that I am posting so late---I found this site over 2 years ago when I needed to--and it's a wonderful thing that it's here---
Sometimes I wait until the last minute to read because I know how bad I will feel when I read the posts--

It is never easy to do these things-we are a multi-cat family and have been thru it many times and will again--many times--if you could wish them well--I know we would all do it--

I hope that you are doing a little better--it's still early--and with time--it will get less painful---your kitty had a good life----and I am sure he wouldn't change that for all the world----

I found this quote--somewhere--maybe it will help--

I have sent you on a journey to a land free from pain, not because I did not love you, but because I loved you too much to force you to stay.

Mistletoe

Your quote I have added to my sheet of sayings from people that have helped me feel better about my life decisions and my furbabies. I hope you don't mind if I use it from time to time here if I think it will help someone.

Thank you for sharing. I am sure Maccasmum will be helped by what you have said.

Judy

Maccasmum - I just read your thread for the first time and am wiping away the tears as i type. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. We faced this same decision on 12/9 with my german shepherd mix Koda. We only had a day to ingest everything and make our decision.
We spent time with him before petting him, talking to him. i read him an irish prayer and we told him everything we wanted him to know before we let him go. The vet gave him the firstshot that just made him a little sleepy and made him want to lay down. I held his head petting it when he gave him the second shot. It was very quick and peaceful. His chest stopped moving up and down and the vet check his pulse and he was gone. We stayed for awhile after petting him. I swear though it felt like he was suddenly sitting next to us in the room tongue hanging out waiting. like okay guys lets go home now. I truly felt him with us and felt like he jumped in the car as we drove off enjoying his car ride.
I know our furbabies are in a painfree better place and we'll see them again. It's hard but we eventually start moving forward. It starts with baby steps and then we get to a functional point again.
I am now able to look at his pictures, videos, and smile at the memories instead of cry.

We also decided to adopt again. We waited until the time felt right and on 1/20 we found Loki. A 3yr old female german shepherd. There is still a hole in my heart but starting a new friendship has helped heal that hole a little bit. I think Koda is happy we were able to rescue another furry friend and turn our grief into love.

My thoughts are with you Maccasmum. From all parts of the world we are here for you when you need a shoulder to cry on or to share your stories. We have all been there on this forum.
God Bless
Amber

Dear Maccasmum, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved companion Macca. It has been awhile since I have been able to come online. I am so glad to know that Macca's journey home to the angels was peaceful for the both of you. The grief journey now before you is a one day at a time journey. Some days will be easier than others. Unfortunately just when you think you have come through the hardest part you may find yourself thinking of Macca and you will find yourself crumbling emotionally as though it were the first moment of losing his precious physical presence with you. The good news is that you do not have to travel this journey alone. You are among friends here who know first hand the ups and downs and twists and turns of this healing journey. Hopefully at some point you will come to realize that Macca's sweet living spirit is still with you, that your relationship with him has only temporarily changed to a different dimension. And someday when you find yourself thinking of him you will find yourself smiling. And yes, I can assure you that your sweet Macca is in heaven's perfect garden and that you will one day be reunited with him in perfect joy for all eternity. Maccasmum, even though I have not been with you online for awhile I want to reassure you that you have been close in my thoughts and prayers, as all the others are as well. Thank you for keeping us posted as to how things are going with you.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam