Good Morning all,

This is my first post after I stumbled onto this site. I lost my Beloved, my Heart, my Soul, my Eleanor last Tuesday night, December 30th at 7:12 PM.

My Eleanor was my first animal on my own. She was born on May 27, 2000. We had dogs, cats, fish, birds, etc. growing up, but they were always family animals. When I was in my early 20s, I decided I wanted a cat. I had my own apartment, and wanted to fill that void. My Mother's next door neighbor, who was in her 80s, had a 20 something year old cat pass away. Her daughter went out the following week and got her a kitten. The neighbor was beside herself, because she didn't want the kitten. I volunteered to take him.

That night, I went out and bought everything I'd need. Toys, food, litter, etc. I went to pick him up, and to my astonishment, the neighbor had changed her mind, and wanted to keep him herself! Here I was, all the stuff, and no kitty.

I began searching and answering ads like crazy. Each time I called a number, I was told the kittens were all gone, or I wasn't called back at all. Finally, I hit the jackpot. One number I called from a newspaper ad told me I was the first caller and to come right over.

I drove over to this town house about half an hour from my apartment, and went into the basement just in time to see kittens scatter everywhere. I scooped down and picked one up, a skinny, scrawny little calico. I had never seen such a cat as this, with hair sticking out in every direction, and colors that had absolutely no rhyme or reason to them. The owner of the home said "oh, you don't want her, she is the runt." Then she began picking up all of these other beautiful, meaty, tuxedo kittens that looked like they could be in commercials-they were so cute. I just kept saying it was ok, I liked the one in my hands. After a few minutes of the woman asking me if I was really sure, she finally shrugged and told me good luck. That was the day my life was enriched forever.



Eleanor was so small, and scared to death. She got under the bed and cried the entire first night. I had to sleep on the floor with my arm stretched out towards her to get her to be quiet. She was very skittish, didn't like to be held, and ran and hid from anyone that came over for the first couple of years. People began to think I was lying and didn't really have a cat. But boy, did I.

Eleanor was my girl. She knew and loved Mom. She wasn't really a lap cat in her younger years, but just liked to be in my general vicinity. Each night, she came up near my head and slept off to the side. Sometimes she would lean up against my legs in bed, but usually she stayed up by my head and just looked at me.

She also took to laying on my alarm clock, and each morning that it went off, I had to pet her first before hitting snooze.

She loved to play, and everything was fair game. Especially the dangling things, she would leap and fly through the air for hours.



Also fun for her was the peep hole in my front door. Don't ask me why, but she would stand underneath it and then jump up for it over and over again.

Another thing Eleanor loved, coins! I called them her "Shinys". If one fell on the floor, she'd pounce on it. She would pick it up with her mouth and carry it over to my coffee table, that had a ledge underneath it. She'd drop the coin on the ledge then spend several seconds batting it around. When it flew off the wood, she would pick it up and drop it down on the ledge again.

When Eleanor was just over a year, I got a call from a friend. She had found a kitten under her deck, and it was very small and sick. The "Mom Cat" was nowhere to be found. I took in Annie, who had the worst case of fleas and worms I have ever seen. Eleanor immediately took to her, and became her surrogate mother. The two of them were inseperable.



As the years went on, so did our lives. I eventually met my husband, a self proclaimed "Non-Cat Person" who felt that way only until he met my Eleanor. Pretty soon, he became her number two fan, behind her Mom.

She grew up into this beautiful lady, with the utmost of manners. She didn't demand attention, she asked for it. Each time she came to get on your lap, she would tap her paw on you first and wait for you to ok it. She was so gentle and beatiful, such a wonderful soul. While she wasn't still a huge people person, she began tolerating them more.

My husband is a bass teacher with students coming to the house. One in particular was a quiet teenager. The poor boy didn't really fit in at school, and was just sort of this sad kid. He never cracked a smile, and had absolutely no self esteem. Each time he would come, Eleanor would run out to him, throw herself on the floor, and act like a total goof. She'd chase her tail, jump on the wall, and entertain this boy who would laugh and laugh at her antics. I think she knew he needed to smile.

She even forgave me when we adopted a crazy, one year old Yellow Lab. Eleanor didn't like her much, and let her know by hiding on the dining room chairs under the hanging table cloth and swatting the dog on the butt when she'd walk by.

While I loved all of my three children, it was plain to see that Eleanor was different. She was my heart animal. We seemed to communicate just by looking into each other's eyes. I could always tell what she was thinking. She was known on occasion (witnessed by people) to roll her eyes at something stupid her sisters were doing. She had such personality.

She also grew into a stunning beauty of a cat, and people regularly made references to how gorgeous she was. Her colors were vibrant and beautiful, her eyes big and pretty.



Life was so good. All of my babies were healthy, and the kitties had just been into the Vet for their annual exams. Eleanor was only 8.5 years old, a lot of life left in her.

Then, disaster struck. Last Tuesday evening, I came home and made dinner. As I was watching the news, Eleanor came out towards me, dragging her back leg. She fell onto her side and just looked at me. I rushed to her, thinking it was broken. She was fine just a few hours earlier, and now this! I put her in the carrier, which she normally ran from. She couldn't even get up, she just screamed in pain.

I rushed her to the Emergency Vet, and told her the whole way that she would be just fine...Momma would never let anything happen to her. Once there, they immediately took her back, then came out a few minutes later to tell me that they needed to speak to me privately.

Eleanor, my love, my life, had thrown a blood clot. Saddle Thrombus they called it. Her back legs were gone, because the clot had lodged down in her "saddle" area. The whole time, I listened to the Vet telling me this, and waited for her to say "...and this is what we can do". But it never came. Finally, she just broke down and told me. Eleanor was in great pain, and was shutting down. It was too late for her, and they said I needed to send her to The Rainbow Bridge.

I lost it. The bottom dropped out. This was not happening, this was MY Eleanor. She was not allowed to go anywhere. What was I going to do without her?

The only thing that snapped me back to reality was that my girl was suffering and she didn't deserve that. The vet asked me if they could sedate her since she was thrashing so badly.

They brought my baby to me wrapped in a blanket, totally limp. I thought she was already gone, but she wasn't. I held her for the next few minutes and rocked my girl. My love. My soul. I kissed her and told her how sorry I was, that I wanted her to be with me forever. I asked her to wait for me, and reminded her that she'd always be my beautiful princess. I told her that she was the one for me, I knew it as soon as I saw her and scooped her little body up in my hands. No other cat would have done...she was it. My soul mate.

I knew how much she hated to be held, so I placed her on the table when they came in to inject the solution to send her to the Bridge. But I stayed there petting her head, and kissing her and whispering that I loved her in her ear. Then it was done. Just like that.

I have spent the last six days in a state of all out depression. I can't come to grips with this at all. She showed no symptoms, and I could never have prepared myself that she'd leave me so soon. Not my girl. Not my love.

Her ashes are supposed to be ready this week. I picked out a beautiful box and had her name inscribed on it. It was the least I could do.

This morning, on the way to my first day back to work since she left, I heard James Taylor's "Fire and Rain". How true the words are...

I've seen fire and I've seen rain
I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I'd see you again.

Rest easy my dear girl. Momma loves you so much and isn't quite sure how to make it without you. I can't wait to see you again. In the mean time, have fun at The Bridge.

I love you.

Hi Eleanorsmom--If cat was changed to bulldog and Eleanor was changed to Willy.................Then you have basically just told my story word for word..............I am sorry for what you are going through.You will need this forum as time goes on.
God bless baby Eleanor.
---Bubba.............

I'm so sorry for the loss of your wonderful heart-kitty, Eleanor. She was indeed a beautiful girl. It's unbearable, this loss of irreplaceable love. But you will bear it...for Annie's sake , and your husband's, and for Eleanor's. The most helpful thing that people have said to me is, " I've been there, and I know".


BK.'s, and Mack and Sadie's Mom,
Dayna

Dearest Eleanor's Mom,

I don't often have as much time here as I'd like anymore, but your post caught my attention and then grabbed me, so.....

Thank-you so much for the beautiful and grand effort you put into telling us all about your Heart & Soul furbaby, Eleanor. What a darling! Naturally, too, I'm so very sorry for your sudden loss and I'm sure you're still in great shock over her crossing. Even in your sorrow, I do hope it helped you some to tell us these things about her life with you. I went from "Awwwws", to "Ooooos", to "Ohhhh!s", to "How preciousl!", to"Oh, nooooos" and then of course to tears. You did a wonderful job of it, that's for certain and I feel almost like I knew her...not that you can't add more anytime you want! I'm sure there's much more to tell about your wonderful girl.

Eleanor was just the kind of cat-soul I would have loved to pieces, too - I can just tell by your descriptions of her antics and totally endearing and entreating personality.

And you know, I've finally come up with some phrases that depict how I felt about, and the kind of relationship I had with my own two furkids, and I suspect you'll understand what I mean as soon as you read them. Both of my kids were such a huge part of me, I've always said that each one was somehow HALF of me, the two of them comprising my WHOLE, and each sharing so much of my own personality traits as well, it was truly astounding....and a wholly magical-feeling! But it was hard to describe how that really felt, until I was recently inspired....probably THROUGH my kids' spirits. This is what I/they came up with:

Sabin (the black guy in my avatar) was the Soul of my Heart , and Nissa (his sister, the grey gal beside him) was the Heart of my Soul . I'm quite sure you'll understand exactly what I mean, as it sounds like Eleanor was all of this to you, too, as you were to her.

While I know words and even ideas can be terribly inadequate to our pain at times like this, here are just a few positive thoughts I took from your story that I hope you might be able to hang onto as you wend your way through the often long and difficult grieving process:

• Thank goodness you were able to rescue her from what sounds like quite an uncaring environment. I'm sure this was meant to be.
• Although her life was cut too short (though no length of time is ever long enough), you WERE there with her as she transitioned and that must have been so important for the both of you.
• Her life with you was so blessed with your love, as yours was with hers; nothing, ultimately, is more important than this on a soul level.
• She will always sit right in your heart & soul, no matter what and even if you can't feel her there....yet.

These things may not seem like much comfort just yet, but later on, they'll likely become very important parts that will become a greater part of you, and yours and Eleanor's soul journey together.

I know that feeling, too, and no, of course you can't "come to grips" with it. You've just suffered a very sudden loss, one that's devastated you and thrown your world into something so swiftly unrecognizable and inconceivable. Even "time" does nothing by itself - it's only what we DO with that time that helps us slowly heal. But if it helps any, even those of us who've had much forewarning and have suffered anticipatory grief, STILL feel shock in our bodies and minds when the time comes. (I've had it rather both ways with each of my kids) But....to my experience, both kinds of shock are just as bad, only slightly different. The bottom line is that no one can really be or feel "prepared" for such great sorrow, no matter how it comes. But it can help to vent about your feelings and know that so many of us here share the same ones, even when and if our circu*mstances differ.

If you're up to reading articles, I've posted quite a few in the "websites, news, etc." forum, and some other forums, dealing with animal companion loss, that you may find useful in your bereavement. There's also an upcoming teleclass about the animal "afterlife" (in Feb.) I'd just just added, too, that you may wish to consider. Teresa Wagner is a most compassionate and caring woman and animal communicator and her last teleclass of the same name I found quite comforting.

Once again, I'm so sorry you, too, have had to find this place for your own loss, but it's one of the most helpful places you could be right now, or for as long as you need to be here. (I initially came here a few yrs. ago, and still do when I need to) Like all others, Eleanor was unique, uniquely YOURS, and so very, very loved. Please lean on whomever you can here and let everyone help you through this....

F's Mom

I am so sorry to hear about Eleanor's leaving. Reading your story from the beginning...I started out with smiles to hear about you picking her out as a kitten, seeing her pictures, hearing about her antics, etc.

But when you had your emergency, I lost it. I remember my Little Guy's trip to the ER in Sept of 2007 (he is my avatar picture). I had him 16 1/2 years and all of a sudden his chest filled with fluid and he couldn't breathe. I, too, waited for the vet to say what we could do but I could tell that anything we did would be painful for him, like draining his chest, which could fill up again anytime.
He dragged himself into our living room for help. We rushed him to our ER. They took x-rays.

I read your experience with eyes filled with tears, as they are now. From the point Eleanor rushed to you that fateful day. For some reason, it seems as though an emergency unexpected can seem more devastating and is certainly harder to forget.

I am glad you had the time you did with her and that you and she enjoyed each other so very much. That will always be a special memory. I kept some of my boy's fur when I need the physical touch..thank goodness for hairbrushes.

It is so devastating it is hard to think of something to say to make you feel better. Just know you always did the best you could for her and you cannot do more than that. Feeling lost now is just so natural. It helps me to believe that we never know when it is their time to leave us but if it is truly their time, we cannot help them stay longer. It is out of our hands.

One "Mom" here said it best for me: The pain of losing her will never ever be greater than the joy of knowing her.

I find a lot of strength in those words, in that thought. I hope it helps you as well.

Come here anytime and write your thoughts and feelings, even a letter to Eleanor...we have done those things and little by little it helps. Just remember you are not alone in anything you feel. We have been there, are there, and will be there again. We know all the feelings so we truly understand them.

Welcome to you and your new Angel, Eleanor. I know your other ones will miss her also and I am glad your home is not empty..that is harder I think.

Hugs to all of you,
Judy

Thank you all so, so much. I read each of your responses, and was truly touched at the wonderful words each of you spoke.

Our animals are truly like children, and so many people can't see that. That is why it is so hard for me to express all of the pain I feel for the loss of my girl. But you all have made me feel so welcome.


Bubba-I bet Willy was a heck of a dog! Eleanor as a Bulldog, I can actually see it

Dayna-you are absolutely right. Annie needs me a lot right now. Believe it or not, she isn't taking it as bad as Luna, my dog. She is the most depressed and layed in bed with me for two days straight. Even though Eleanor didn't like her, Luna never gave up on hoping one day she'd change her mind. She was also standing right there when Eleanor had her episode and was pacing as I tried to lift her and put her in the carrier. She knew.

Furkidlets' Mom-your words were so beautiful. The soul of my heart, and the heart of my soul-you nailed it. That was my girl. I am so thankful you took the time to type that out to me... I understand too what you were saying about not being prepared. I know it would have hurt just as bad for me if she was diagnosed with a disease and lived for years with it. It still would break my heart in half.

Judy-I have a ton of guilt for not being able to help her. That is my main feeling right now, besides all out devestation. She came to me for help, and I couldn't do anything for her. Knowing Eleanor, she was always so quiet and just kind of hung out in the background. For her to have sought me out like that, dragging herself to me, must have been so difficult and painful.

I keep telling myself that her condition (most likely feline HCM) that caused the clot would have had no cure and even if I'd have known, there wouldn't really be anything I could do about it.

Still, it stinks. The whole thing just stinks.

Anyway, thank you all again for reading my story and sharing your condolences. It means a lot

EM,

Dogs do take it harder. My dogs moped terribly, until I came in the door with Beekie's ashes today.

Dayna

I'm so sorry for your loss of Eleanor. I'm writing this with tears rolling down my cheeks. God, I know all too well what you went thru and how your feeling. I have had a similar situation. It's so true about the guilt of not being able to help them. The promise "I will never let anything happen to you", the realization of letting them go. So quickly. We all think we will prepare for it. A long illness, a quick goodbye, we never are prepared. I too had an Eleanor; Daisy Jane, she was my world. She was put down without my knowledge. I was not there. It changed my life forever. ..I'm glad for you, that you found that special love that so many will never know...I understand and feel your heartache. At least you were there for her, you tried. It was out of your hands; and you must take comfort in knowing she didn't suffer long...You've come to the right place. We all understand and are here for you..Hugs..Ann

I was strongly affected by the post, and had to come back to it later.

Maybe it was because we tend to invest more heavily in "special" animals who need extra help at the beginning. My Catwife was quite ill when I took her in, for example.

Then we are extra thrilled when they begin to grow up "Normally", and not being fools, they go to extra effort to pay us back because they KNOW what we did. Eventually, over the years, we have been paid back with so much love and gratitude, we rarely remember we did anything that special at all.

It just seems "Right" and "perfect". The relationship deepens and deepens over time, and unlike our human relationships, there is never a fight, or argument, or disagreement. Possibly a sulk if the treat is not forthcoming, but other than that, it is the perfect friendship.

Now comes the terrible day we are reminded that our lifespans are 7-10 times longer than those of our friends.
We forget our friends have had their ENTIRE span of a happy life.

But we have not. So we endure, and without them, we miss them, and feel it is unfair to be robbed of something so special.
They can never be replaced, as individual consciiousnesses*, which of course they are.

But if we could ask them, from their perspective and timespan, they would truthfully say,

"I had a hundred years with the perfect friend!

Life did not look that promising when they met me, but I am the luckiest cat who ever lived!!

LOOK what HAPPENED to me!

I had a MUCH longer and happier life than I would have in the wild.

I had the choicest food, the best toys, and the best friend a cat ever had!

I had a wonderful life!

I hope my humanfriend does, too!"


* Spirits, souls, personalities, friends, etc.

EleanorsMom,

I am sooooo sorry for your loss. Eleanor sounds like she was an incredibly special girl. I know how devastating it is to go through this since I lost my Heart and Soul--Chickie only 6 weeks ago, but it seems like my heart has been broken much longer than that. When we are happy and fulfilled, life seems to fly by--ten and a half years that sweet kitty blessed my life and it seems so short--I thought I had so much more time left with her and looked forward to cuddling up on the couch each night with her and having special "Mommy and Chickie" time. The six weeks that I have been without her seems like a lifetime worth of pain and I wonder each day when the pain will not be so harsh. I am incredibly blessed to still have my sweet dear doggy, Levi in my life and I try to make my time with him even more special since I know how quickly they can be taken away.

I am going to have to go through some of my pictures and scan them into the computer and post them to share with you. Eleanor reminds me so much of Chickie--they didn't look alike, but their personalitites and how special they were. I have some pictures of Chickie when she was a kitten that are soooo much like your pics of Eleanor. Eleanor looks like she knew exactly how pretty and regal she was and that she was the ruler of the house--That is how Chick was.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers each day. I pray and you find peace in your heart and comfort from your other fur-babies. One day, you will think of Eleanor and you will do nothing but smile with all of the love she brought to your heart and you will meet her at the Rainbow Bridge and you will once again carry her close to you (but not too close since she didn't like to be held!

Hugs and Comfort,

Adriane

Eleanor's Mom,

Just checking on you.

Dayna

Oh, Eleanor's story is so like that of my cat! I did not read your story until today. Wonderful animals who seem fine until the unexpected happens. You did everything to help, but their time just came and went so quickly. And you were a special parent, to take the "runt" and give her the loving home she deserved. I hope you find some consolation in knowing that she had a great life, and gave happiness to all who knew her. Although your sorrow is great and will never completly go away, you loved and were loved in return by that ethereal creature called Eleanor. Lucky and unlucky at the same instant. I hope you find some measure of relief on this site and in the company of those who understand you loss. My heart goes out to you.

Judy-I have a ton of guilt for not being able to help her. That is my main feeling right now, besides all out devestation. She came to me for help, and I couldn't do anything for her. Knowing Eleanor, she was always so quiet and just kind of hung out in the background. For her to have sought me out like that, dragging herself to me, must have been so difficult and painful.


When I read the above, I couldn't help but picture my Little Guy dragging himself into our living room for help. He could hardly breathe. I thought he had died ..his eyes were closed and then he got up and dragged himself a few more feet away and again collapsed. I know what you mean about "...came to me for help, and I couldn't do anything for her". That's how I felt.

Please don't feel guilt for not being able to help her. I don't feel guilt about my boy but I will never erase the feelings of frustration I felt at that time. It was so unexpected and out of the blue.

I really believe that when it is their time to go, it is out of our control to stop it and all we can do is react and hope so very badly that we can get them help. If it not truly their time to leave us, somehow our rush to the vet would result in a better ending..but when it is their time.....we will feel helpless because when we can't solve the problem and the vet can't cure the condition....that's when waves of helplessness overwhelm us the most.

All we can do is be grateful for the time we had with them and hope we can always help them at least find peace when it is their time. We cannot allow guilt to make our grief worse. It was all out of our hands when the time comes.

By the way, I totally agree with your comments about "It stinks".

Hugs, peace and healing I wish for you. Your Angel is watching over you now and being a part of your heart...she is with you now forever in her permanent home.

Judy