I just stumbled onto this site yesterday and read a lot of people's stories, and of course cried a whole lot more. I seem to be under better control today and I feel like sharing Keoki's story, regardless if people read it or not.

Nearly 8 years ago I really wanted a pet. I figured a dog was too much responsibility (even though I really wanted one) and I mistakenly thought I didn't like cats (shock! horror!) I finally decided on a ferret. Since they are illegal in California, I found a pet store all the way in Arizona to go buy one. Ok, so the day comes and off I go. Nearly 7 hours later here I am in the middle of nowhere, in this pet store with a toothless woman for a clerk. And lots and lots of ferrets. And guess what? I didn't like them so much in person! (no offense to ferret lovers) As I turned to begin my long trek back home I see this box on the floor with three kittens: one gray one not moving at all (catatonic?) a white one who kept putting his whole head in the water bowl (uuh..a little out of it?) and this tiny little black speck who would not stop running, jumping, and begging for my attention. At this point it was like, why not? I came all this way. And so began our friendship.

I could tell you all of Keoki's quirky habits...oh ok, I'll tell you a few. With this cat, absolutely impossible to sleep with feet sticking out. For him it was fair game to attack. What no food? Down goes the bowl (and breaks) on the floor. Impossible to read a book if he wanted attention, he would come and sit right on top of it. But he was always so easily forgiven with those lovey dovey eyes. Until, of course, he'd had enough and out would come the claws.

That was the thing about Keoki. He was not a little saint. He bit, scratched, and definately showed you his bad mood. Oh but how he could be a sweetie too! Incredible. So many lonely times in my life he was there with me. I can easily say that he was my best friend, my #1 guy. That cat and I just got each other.

Anyway, to the tragic end. He wandered off last Friday, something that he did all the time. Impossible to keep that cat inside, he would always find a way to get out and that was the way he was. Friday afternoon was the last time I saw him. By Saturday night I was getting a little anxious - not so much because he had gone for a couple of days before, but because it was cold and I wanted my baby home. After numerous searches shaking his food bin, nothing. Sunday morning is when I got the call. An angel had picked him off the street and rushed him to the emergency vet, shelled out $800 of her own money to begin ER services, and called me. To this day I will always remember this person who had the amazing kindness to pick up a stranger's cat and rush him to the vet.

Then came decision time. ER services was a hefty $4000-6000 tab. I know that rationally I should have let him go then and there but how impossible is it to make that call? So out came the credit cards. After 5 horrible hours, my little guy passed away. They say he was hit by a car but there were no fractures, just internal bleeding. I've gone through denial, anger (people were standing around my dying cat for 2 hours before the angel girl showed up!), crying uncontrollably, and I know it's not over by far.

I don't know what I'm going to do without that little guy. I will love him forever. And ever. Words cannot describe.

Thank you for reading.

***oxox -C

I am so sorry about Keoki. When we have this loss, it is totally devastating. You certainly did all you could for him.....and that lady was wonderful in the situation. I have only had one outside cat years ago and his ending was very tragic.

I also know the feeling about being in the ER. That's where I had to let my Little Guy go (he is my avatar picture). The hope you go there with is so fleeting.

I enjoyed your stories about how Keoki picked you out to be his best friend and his personality.
Those are the memories we will cherish forever.

When you speak of words cannot describe......the closest I have read where the words really hit home for me was something one Mom here said...she said:

The pain of losing him will never ever be greater than the joy of knowing him.

That is such a powerful thought. It helps me all the time. I have pictures of my boy in every room and he is also my desktop wallpaper so he greets me with those eyes in the morning and I say goodnight to him when I turn the computer off.....knowing that he will always be there for me when I turn it on....he can never leave my desktop. That can't be taken away.

In time I adopted a rescue cat that looks like my boy. He is not my boy but I could not take the emptiness around me without that furry body flashing by, galloping at 80 MPH. And, I needed to hug a furry body again. When I hold my new boy...my husband at times feels like he is again looking at me holding our boy that we lost. I smile at that thought. We never replace what we had. We in time develop new memories with a new one who has love to give and needs a home.
I started 16 1/2 years ago with 3 siblings, twin boys and a girl. My Little Guy who I lost in Sept of 2007 was the last one. He was always extra special cause he got pneumonia as a kitten and almost didn't make it..but he was a survivor and then I see he was around the longest. The vet thinks cancer was his cause but was not positive but he did all of a sudden develop fluid in his chest one day and could not open his lungs to breathe. Yes, that was my first ER (not the first time I have lost a special one) and I was hysterical.

This time of sorrow is when we cry and cry and cry again. Come here anytime and write your thoughts and feelings. It can help to do...just like you just did here now.

I wish you peace and healing. The pain of missing them never truly leaves us...it takes time for it to become more bearable. In the meantime, take things one day at a time and what makes you feel better to do, that's the right thing to do.

There are many listening here and waiting to help you as best we can.

Hugs for you and your Special Angel, Keoki
Judy

P.S. Post pictures when you feel like it. The more the better. It can create a good feeling to look into their eyes at a time when you know all was well.

Thank you so much for your response...which started the waterworks all over again I think your mother really hit the nail on the head with the saying "The pain of losing him will never ever be greater than the joy of knowing him." I would never, ever give up my moments up with him. I just keep expecting him to show up. Every time I see a shadow I expect it to be him.

I am fortunate to have a little dog to still keep me company, and I love her very much. But her love is not the same as my cat's love. Each beautiful, yet different. And Keoki was my best friend through so many times while Luna (my dog) is barely out of puppyhood.

I read your story earlier today about your own baby, and it's what prompted me to write. I could feel the pain through the words you wrote.

I am better today, but now I feel guilty about it. My pain is much deeper than it was yesterday and the day of, but somewhat less expressive (ie: crying all the time). Maybe I'm still not really getting it. I threw myself into work for past two days (crying behind my computer with co-workers all around) and it feels like Keoki is still out there having his little kitty adventures.

Part of me regrets having him as an outside cat and I want to go around starting an organization to keep all cats indoors! But Keoki was not happy inside. Since a baby he wouldn't stay in. I tried many,many times to keep him in and he first becomes super hyper, then destructive, and mean no matter how much I played with him. Then he would sort of get depressed and not move from one spot. It never worked. All I can say is that when or if I get a new cat, he will just have to learn with staying indoors.

Thank you for ideas about posting pics. Just haven't had courage to look at pictures yet

Much love

-C

I'm so sorry for your loss. I have the opposite of what you have. I have a black cat but lost my dog on 12/9.
I understand about not feeling the same. My cat has enjoyed the extra attention and cuddling but I still miss hugging a big dog right now.
Even though the pain is still intense I wouldn't trade it for anything. I had the best 7 1/2 years worth of memories.

Love Them- The pain of losing him will never ever be greater than the joy of knowing him.

That is such a beautiful statement and so true.

Even though this is my first christmas without my dog, i try to remember the many years we did get together.

blkcat8 - my heart goes out to you.
A couple of things that have made it a bit easier was first finding other people who understand the loss. I also recently made a shadowbox of my dog. It was great looking through the pictures and the stories behind them.
I'm planning to do a scrapbook next.

Take care.

Remember....you did the best you could do for Keoki. He just didn't always cooperate (as far as being happy outside). Cats are funny like that, I think.

I thought of pictures cause I see him in your avatar and he looks so gorgeous. But I also know how you feel about looking through pictures. I have been through that part also. It does take time.

As far as you feeling better then having it turn around....everything is so very normal to think and do. It is such an intense pain...it can't leave quickly. And even after time has made it easier to push down the pain by thinking of good memories....at any time...we can suddenly be overwhelmed by it all...again. That can happen and then we cry again and we are allowed to express our grief in a way that helps us deal with it. There really are no time limits as it is something we never get over completely.

It is something we deal with, one day at a time. And don't feel guilty about anything. We are human and can only do what we think is best. We want them to be happy. I can understand your saying the next one will be staying inside. I had my 3 kittens inside....it just gave me less to worry about. My girl was 15, my boy's twin brother was 10, and my boy, whose story you read, was just past 16 1/2. That is so much beautiful time. Yes, there is a lot of pain in my story...it is an experience I will never forget. Thank you for reading it.

I am glad you have Luna for company. I understand what you mean about dogs and cats. I have had both and each is very special in their own way and there are differences we find but they are endearing to each. We make individual connections and bonds but one thing we find in both is the unconditional love they give us which makes us feel so very special.

And, as you said, Luna is just coming out of puppyhood...so she is starting on her life's adventures whereas Keoki had been with you for some years and long ago...became a part of you.

It is like suddenly you feel like a part of you is missing and when you turn around, you realize the part that's missing is Keoki but remember he is a part of your life and your memories and will always be there and what you shared can never be taken away from you..those are the memories that help us heal. I guess we may go from being in shock to a reluctant acceptance of the fact they are not with us anymore...in the physical sense. I see here many times people come back years later and talk about still feeling that pain of missing their special ones. It is just that time helps us to make the pain bearable but we always know that it can overwhelm us one day out of the blue...that's because we loved them so very much and missing them so very much and always, always, deep down....we want them back.

Just remember, you are not alone with that pain. We all have it and that's why we understand it and how it makes you feel.

So keep coming and writing your thoughts and feelings when you feel like it or just visit if that's what you feel like doing...whatever feel right to you to do...that's what you should do to start feeling better. It simply takes time to learn how to deal with the pain that comes from missing them so very much.

Hugs and love back to you. One day at a time....one step at a time...
Judy


Koda's Mommy: I miss hugging my big dog girls too. I'm glad that "saying" I love helped you as well as blkcat8. It is burned into my mind and helps me when I get too down. I hope both of you will remember it and that it helps you also. It just hit me as so powerful. It is a good weapon to think of when the pain comes.
Take care....Judy

I read your post last week. It is impossible to read it without feeling the sorrow and anger you speak about. How sad to loose your guy in such a tragic manner! No matter how they go, it leaves a big hole in our hearts. My hope is that your anger will lessen, that your memories of Keoki will be the happy ones, the times he did crazy things, just being himself.

I have one particular image of my friend, when he would sit on my chest, stretch out his paws and put them on my face, purring and closing his eyes. (I think he was petting me like I petted him.) Instead crying, it calms me down, and I can make it through another night with sleep. I can not trivialize the horrible events that occurred, but that pain will subside. You did everthing you could to help him, which is all anyone can do.

I wish you peace and a happier new year. Please know that you are not alone.

If your story did nothing else, it helped lessen the hatred of, and disgust with, Humanity I developed from reading some of the animal abuse stories here.

You did far more than most people COULD, let alone WOULD. Never feel that you failed your friend.

We do not have the difficult inside/outside choice here because of coyotes, and all the "Lost Cat" posters on the telephone poles. It's not even an option.

Sorry I missed your post.
I just read your story of Keoki. I am so very sorry. I lost my Sissycat to the road also. It is so very hard. Sounds so much like my story. She had no broken bones either just eternal bleeding. I often wondered if the person would have stoped and told me if I could have saved her?

There still are a few kind and caring animal loving people left in this cruel world. What a wonderful lady she is.

Continue to post and I'd love to hear more stories and see more pics if ya wanna.

Hugs to you and new angel Keoki!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

QUOTE

An angel had picked him off the street and rushed him to the emergency vet, shelled out $800 of her own money to begin ER services, and called me. To this day I will always remember this person who had the amazing kindness to pick up a stranger's cat and rush him to the vet.

There are indeed ANGELS among us. And the first that Keoki encountered was you.


I'm so sorry for you loss.!


Dayna