I just edited my original post to add the whole story. Hopefully this time I won't delete it all. This is VERY long and I thank you to whoever reads the entire thing. I just needed to write it all down. Thank everyone for your support it is very helpful.

In 1994 I made several trips to the Humane Society to check out the kitties. Each time I always ended up wanting every cat there. I liked them all but none really stood out. That is until the day I saw Fraffy. Her name was actually Taffy in the beginning. For some reason I started calling her Fraffy one day. When I saw her, I forgot about all the other cats. I fell in love with her immediately. I knew I had to have her. It was really like magic. I think she picked me just as I picked her. I think we were supposed to be together.

I loved that cat more than anything. She was so funny and cute. She had so many endearing qualities I can't list them all. She made funny trilling noises when you petted her, she stood with one paw held up and tucked in against her chest. So cute. She joined me in the bathroom for our special petting sessions. hehe. I actually started calling her "Noise" due to all the funny sounds she would make. Yes I loved that cat so much she was the one constant joy in my life. No matter how depressed or sad or lonely I got, the thought of Fraffy would always help me smile.

About the time when she was around 6 or 7 the disturbing thought of her dying started creeping in. It was an agonizing thought and I couldn't linger on it very long. But it caused me to make sure I petted her and shower her with love and let her know she was loved because one day I wouldn't be able too. I'm not sure why that thought started creeping in so much. It might have been because my mom died when I was ten and it was bringing back some painful memories of that.

That was a little background and now I'll type about the recent events.

Fraffy always seemed younger than she was. She had energy and sometimes even acted like a kitten. She would play what I called "the feet game" where she would sit at the end of the bed and attack my feet through the covers. Hehe

About a month ago I began to notice very subtle changes in Fraffy. She was sleeping more, and staying in one spot for much longer than usual. She kinda flopped down when she layed down instead of circling around like cats do to get comfortable. She also began missing the litter box when she urinated. She also wanted to be in my lap more than usual.

I decided to take her in to get looked at. This is the start of the mistakes I think I have made. (not the least of which is I wish I had taken her to a different vet but I'll explain that later) The vet said that she could feel some masses in her abdomen area and wanted to take and xray and an ultrasound. She did but said they couldn't really tell her anything and that they would have to do exploratory surgery on her to be 100 percent sure. She gave me a few options like IBD, thickening of the intestines and Lymphoma. None of those sounded too bad to me (I didn't realize Lymphoma was another word for cancer) so I chose not to put her through surgery.

There were several reasons I chose not to do surgery. One was I always hated taking Fraffy to the vet because I know she was very scared and I hated putting her through that. Two was I thought that she might be too old to have surgery done to her. Three was I guess I was in denial and never thought anything bad would happen to her. Four was I selfishly protecting myself from the unbearable thought of her being seriously ill.

So I took her home with some medicne to give to her. Prednisone and something else I forget. I have always had trouble giving her medicine. She squirms and spits it out and all kinds of stuff. So the first couple of days back I tried to force her to take the medicine but I felt absolutely terrible and thought I might be hurting her. I tried hiding it in food which has worked before but she didn't have much of an appetite so that didn't work either. So I ended up giving up on trying to get her to take her medicine. I told myself she wasn't really that sick and that the vet didn't know exactly what was wrong so what's the point of forcing her?

I was supposed to bring her back in two weeks so they could xray her again and do another blood test. I didn't because she seemed mostly ok and I guess I was lazy and/or didn't want to face any bad news. I'll never forgive myself for that.

Another week went by and I started noticing she was having trouble with her back legs. They were really starting to get wobbly. Not so much that she couldn't walk but just sometimes losing her balance on stuff. And she was sleeping more and not eating. I also could feel her spine because she was losing weight. Each day passed and she seemed to get progressively worse. So a week ago today she actually fell off my bed to the floor and I knew she needed help and I drove her 45 minutes away to the emergency vet clinic. They took an xray of her lung area and said they saw fluid around her lungs and they suspected it was cancer. I was devastated. I was alone and I desperately needed someone to help me figure out what to do. but I had no one but myself. I wanted them to keep her at the vets because she wasn't eating and I was hoping against hope that they could fix her.

They told me it was going to be over 2000 dollars to keep her there for 2 days. It was impossible for me to do that so I decided to bring her home and take her to the local vet the next day.

I was in sheer agony because I wanted to help her but I couldn't. The evening I brought her home from the emergency vet was terrible. She really had trouble getting around but I did manage to get her to eat a couple big spoonfuls of wet cat food. She ate it with gusto too and I had a glimmer of maybe she's pulling through. But shortly after that she started walking towards me along the edge of the couch, lost her balance and fell sideways onto the floor. It was one of the most horrible things I have ever seen. I tried to catch her but wasn't able too.

The next day I took her to the local vet and they said they suspected cancer too. I then made a decision that I will never forgive myself for. I decided to keep her at the vet because I was desperately trying to get help for her. She looked into my eyes and I'm fully convinced she was pleading with me not to leave her there. I think she knew she was dying and just wanted to be with me, safe and comfy and loved for her last days. But I left her there and all I could think about was how confused, scared and frightened and missing me she was. She was probably wondering what she did to end up there. It breaks my heart to think about I abandoned her when she needed me the most.

The next day was Tuesday and I called the vet to check up on her. She said it didn't look good and Fraffy probably only had a week or so left. She said I still had the option of surgery to see exactly what was wrong but again, I elected not to put her through that. Plus the thought of her dying on the operating table was awful.

Tuesday night all I could think about was my sweet girl all alone, confused and scared, wondering where I was, knowing she was dying. I think all she wanted was to spend her last couple of days with me and I abandoned her. I feel horrible about it.

So I made the decision I was going to go get her on Wednesday. Wednesday came and I went over to the vet to pick her up. She was much worse than when I brought her in on Monday. (i think the stress and fright from being there excellerated her decline) She was constantly meowing while she was in her carrier. I was in panic and confusion mode. I said to her "Fraffy tell me what you want me to do because I don't know and I need help."

I got her home and opened the carrier. She could barely walk and flopped over and continued her loud meowing. I was beside myself with horror and terror knowing she was in such pain and suffering. The decision came to me that I needed to help her out of her pain very quickly. I called up the vet and said I think I'm just going to bring her in to be put to sleep. I thought about seeing if I could find someone to come to me and do it since I know she hates the vet anyway. But, I was in panic mode and just kinda did things like a robot.

I got the carrier and to my horror noticed she had wet herself my poor girl. I cleaned it out and lifted her (she was so weak it was like a bag of bones) and put her in the carrier. I was really operating on auto pilot.

All the way to the vet I told her I loved her more than anything and I didn't want her to suffer anymore. I brought her in and opened the carrier on the counter at the vets. She was so weak she could hardly move. I was in agony. Then, the horror of her ending began.

Her blood pressure was so low that they could not find a vein. They must have poked her about 15 times at different places on both front paws. I was completely horrified at what they were doing and at myself for not putting a stop to it. I should have stopped them and taken her home and found a better place for her. The poor thing just layed there, helpless as they were poking her to find a vein to end her life. That will haunt my memory forever. She did not deserve to have any of that happen to her.

They finally switched to one of her back legs and were successful at finding a vein. I had my face up to hers and petted her and told her I loved her while I saw the euthansia drug emptying from the syringe into my precious cat. She died while I was stroking her.
I stayed in the room because I know she would have wanted me there. I spent about 5 minutes with her afterwards telling her how much I loved her and that she was the greatest cat ever.

During all this I could hear people talking loud and even laughing about something. (the vet and techs I guess) I thought it was horrible that they were so insensitive. Meanwhile I told someone I was done and she just picked up the towel Fraffy was lying on and carried her away.

Fraffy deserved a much better ending than that. I did her wrong. I feel like I just ignored signs she might be seriously ill and just sat back and watched her get sicker each day. I read about other people's stories and how they have done everything for their pet to try to help them like taking them to specialists or pursuing a suspicion of cancer. I did not of that. I sat back and watched her die and did nothing to prevent it or help.

I'm horrified at myself for abandoning her at the vets for two days when she probably knew she was dying and just wanted to spend her time with me.

I'm horrified I didn't find a better place for her to make the transition. While they were poking her with needles I kept saying "this is horrible I wanted peace for her" no one aknowledged me or tried to make me feel better. They just continued poking. I'm horrified at myself for not stopping it immediately and taken her somewhere else where people might have cared.

I go over these things constantly and it causes me great pain. I should have been prepared for her day to make the transition not been in complete panic mode. Now I wonder if I did it to soon. Maybe she would have gotten better in a few days. They didn't even know exactly what was wrong with her. They suspected cancer but weren't 100 percent sure. I just took their word for it. I let my precious girl die and suffer and I'll never forgive myself. I feel like she should have had another owner, one who would take care of her properly.

I wish I had found a different vet, she didn't deserve her ending days and moments to be like they were.

I miss her so much I can't stand the pain.

I guess I'm done for now. That was mostly the whole story. It's very very long and I thank you if you read the entire thing. i'm just overwhelmed with sadness for her. It seems she should have been around for at least a couple more years. I think I failed her.

I can tell by your post that you love your kitty very much, and I'm sure you did everything within your power for Fraffy. I felt the same exact way when my Othello died - like I hadn't enough done enough for him. I think most everyone here feels that way. But I think that feeling is more often a sign of your love for your pet than a sign that you actually didn't do everything you could. We all do the very best we can with the information we have at the time. I know when people here told me that after I lost Othello, it didn't make sense to me, so these words may not resonate with you right now. But my feelings of guilt faded over time, and now, over a year later, I still feel sad when I think of my kitty, but I don't blame myself every single time I think of him.

You and Fraffy will be in my thoughts, and I hope your visits here are able to bring you some comfort in these very difficult days.

Dear sweetfraffy,

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your cat. You will find you are in the company of a lot of kind people here at L-S.

Believe me, you are not alone when you say you feel you did some things wrong. If you want, read my post, Anyone Ever Delayed Vet Care.... and you will have an idea. For me, things I didn't do torment me. Of course there are many stories from others here too. For myself, I just read all the other posts. I know everyone else is also suffering from their losses, yet everyone else here seems to have done so much more than I did. I am having difficulty "forgiving myself" and moving on through my grief. I am stuck and it is horrible.

Things are so fresh for you, so perhaps your feelings will change more quickly than you realize right now. A lot of people get through the guilt stage relatively quickly, so I've heard.

I was going to a monthly pet loss support group meeting in my area and found some comfort in that for a while. I have just started meeting with an individual counselor to see if that will help me more.

If you find any similarities to my story in yours, or if you just want to write, please feel free to respond to me privately also.

God bless you and I wish you peace.

hope2heal

For so many of us here we felt as if there could have been something we could have done differently. GUILT That is just one of the stages toward healing that you will go through. It is different for everyone and we each act differently. I had to go to work just 45 minutes after I lost my Sissycat to a sudden accident. I was at work, but I was not there. My body did what I had to get done-- same at home. I didn't do laundry, I cooked but didn't eat. That first week was such a fog.
It is so fresh in your mind that I know hearing someone say time will ease your pain, but it does. It has been 25 weeks since she passed. Don't get me wrong I still come here everyday. (whether I post or not) I still come here to cry, vent, or just read other people's stories. Every Thursday I post a special note to my Sissycat. I am not completely healed, but I have made alot of progress with the help of the so many great friends here at Lightning Strike.
So I hope we can be here for you.

Many hugs to you and your angel Fraffy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

I'm so sorry of your loss of Fraffy. You are so blessed to have had many happy years together. I do hope you will find some comfort here at LS. I've been thru the same grief as you. Time does heal. Like Sissycat I lost my baby 25 weeks and have been here just about everyday. Post or not doesn't matter. I'm also haunted by guilt and I think many of us are and I think many of us have no reason to. It's all part of this rotten part of life. I haven't figured out why it's easier to hold onto the guilt than the happier times we had..For some it takes a little longer to heal. But we eventually do. We never forget them though. When you are feeling up to it, please tell us more and post us a photo or 2. I totally understand your grief, and don't feel silly for feeling this way. Trust me, not a day has passed since June 7th that I haven't cried over my loss. My heart aches with yours..Hugs.. Ann

My sympathy goes to you over the loss of your girl, Fraffy.

As others have said, guilt and regret are common. And I think the level of guilt and regret goes hand in hand with the connection felt - the greater the connection the greater the regret. All the things you should have and shouldn't have done will flood through your mind with no effort on your part. It just seems to be the way of it and there is no time limit for how long this will take. Many here experience it many weeks, months later.

I too didn't clean my teeth for days, didn't shower for four days, didn't wash my hair till another couple of days later and so forth. I didn't vacuum for a long time. And I couldn't stay at home - it was 3 weeks before I came home and to this day I still haven't slept in our bed, the last place Magion and I were together, which has remained undisturbed for 13 1/2 weeks. And I only vacuumed the second time last weekend.

If you have other people around you let them take care of you at this time. You need space to acknowledge the intensity of your loss.

As you have learnt from this site, you are not alone in your feelings of love and loss.

Share when you are ready.

Wendi.

Hi, sweetfraffy, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved Fraffy. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the cir%%stances or how long we have been blessed with the privilege of their company. This grief journey following a loss is a very tumultuous one, and in the beginning we are very consumed with the deep grief of our loss. Guilt, unfortunately, is a part of the deep grief in the beginning. The "what ifs", "why didn't I's", "I should have", I shouldn't have", etc., can drive us to the point of feeling like we are literally losing our minds. But what you are feeling is normal, as we all go through this stage in our own way. Unfortunately we do not have the privilege of foresight, only the "wisdom" of hindsight, and it is the hindsight that is the source of our grief. Things that we didn't understand at the moment of the event(s) become clearer to us. It is so clear to me, and to others who have already posted, that you love your precious Fraffy and would have done everyting in your power - - moved heaven and earth if you could have - - to provide her the best of everything. Unfortunately, like us, our beloved companions' physical bodies are not designed to live forever on this side of eternity, and because they are physically smaller than us, their bodies are not capable of indefinitely withstanding the physical challenges that they encounter. In 2 weeks it will have been 2 years since my number one kitty son Eli joined the angels at 6 years and 7 months. Although my other fur companions and I have "adjusted" to the physical absence of Eli's presence with us, there are still times when my heart sinks in grief for some of the events he had to endure through his short life with me. But I know he is now healthy and happy playing with the angels until it is my appropriate time to join him in eternal joy, and the many memories I have of him also bring a smile to my heart and to my face. I hope eventually you will come to this place of peace in knowing that the sweet living Spirit of your precious Fraffy is still with you and will always be with you throughout your life regardless of what you do or where you go. Your relationship with Fraffy has only temporarily changed to a different dimension that transcends both time and space. But right now this is little comfort to your broken heart that is having to cope with so many adjustments right now. When we lose our beloved companions it is both a physical and emotional loss, so it is important that you do what is comforting for you to help lessen your grief. I used to hold one of Eli's blankets close to me and used to sleep with his collar under my pillow. So it is important for you to find what works for you through this difficult part of the healing journey in your loss. Sweetfraffy, please know you are among friends here who do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. And please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and will look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear Sweet Fraffy's mom:

My heart and prayers go out to you. Please don't be hard on yourself; I know you gave her a loving home. Allow yourself TIME to grieve.

I lost my 18year old, Mimi, on 7/31/08. I can go maybe 2 days now without crying; and then I get hysterical. I have never loved or been loved by such a special being, and my heart feels broken. At times I ask, did I wait too long; was she in pain; did I do the right thing?

And my answer is: I am so blessed to have had her in my life, but would give anything to have her back. I have never had anything hurt this bad, and have put 2 other beautiful cats to sleep; this has been the hardest.

It doesn't matter how long it takes, GRIEVE.....your feelings are valid and real, and I know it is painful. I am taking the holidays off this year, because I feel in mourning and can't do it without her.

Bless you and peace be with you....please know how much she loves you.

Bobbi

I am so sorry to hear about Fraffy. Wednesday is such a short time back. I am glad you had her for 14 years. I was blessed to have my Little Guy 16 1/2 years, yet his twin brother I lost to cancer at age 10.

When I made my Emergency Room decision about my boy....and came home to the empty house....I cried for days. I can still cry thinking about it even though now it has been a little over a year. I felt too like I didn't want to do anything.

What I did do was put pictures of my boy and his siblings in every room so when I walk into a room his eyes and theirs greet me. I have my boy as my computer desktop wallpaper and I said hello each day when I turn it on and goodnight when I turn it off. He is lying on top of a couch looking right into my eyes. These pictures have helped comfort me.

I took his fur (and his siblings) from a hairbrush and put it with a favorite toy (a small rainbow ball) in an air tight ziplock bag. When I feel I really need to touch them physically, I take out the fur and stroke it between my fingers. I found the oldest one from the year 2002 is just as soft as the day that boy had it on him. There is a comfort in that softness. It is like proof they live in some way.

Something else that helps me get away from the thoughts I could have done something differently. It is that I believe there is a time set when these special ones have to leave us and when that time comes...we will have no control over stopping it. A power greater than anything we have...made the decision. If it is not their time....we or our vet will find a way to help our babies stay with us longer..but only with quality time. We cannot ever feel guilty over something that is beyond our power to control.

There are times we could have done things to stretch the time a few days or months but it will come at the cost of them suffering through a treatment with no cure. In my case, I could have insisted that my boy's chest be drained of fluid (a very painful procedure) each time it filled up so he could breathe again...a fluid that could built up again in hours or maybe days but everything I read on the Internet about pleural effusion was a lost battle. And so afterwards, I was able to talk to my vet on the phone a few days later when I stopped being hysterical and she told me she was so grateful I made the decision I did...that she was not allowed to say so at the time that that would have been her decision also if Little Guy had belonged to her.

I always say just because it is the right decision when we make it...that never makes it any easier to do it.

Just think of the good and happy healthy memories of Fraffy's 14 years with you. When you feel like it, post a picture or 2 or however many you want so we can see the sweet face that you know so well. Remember she is at peace now and think of her as a healthy Angel just sitting on a fluffy white cloud looking down at you and watching over you. She is and always has been a part of your heart and this is the time that we realize because of that fact...they can never truly leave us.

It doesn't help the intense overwhelming pain that takes us over, particularly at the beginning of our loss...to try and think about the fact that with time that pain will become less intense. Even with that, we will have the loneliness because a big hole just opened up in our life and we have to find ways to cope with it.

After a while, for me, I had to go to the local SPCA and I found a boy who looks very close to my Little Guy, whom I named Lucky. I did it because no matter how many times I cried and how many days went by...nothing was making me feel better. I decided I needed the help of a distraction and that's why I went looking for a connection. I didn't know if I would find one and it took a couple of weeks but the day I saw him and looked into his eyes...that were staring into mine (just like my Little Guy's always did)...I knew I wanted to take him home and look into those eyes everyday.

Reading all of this may not help much right now but in its own way...maybe this post will give you a distraction for a time...even a little distraction from our own grief can be helpful.

Hugs and peace and healing to you. I know this is the darkest time, believe me, we have all been there and we have never forgotten what it feels like to be where you are. Take comfort in knowing you are not alone in your feelings and thoughts.

There are many here who are always listening and waiting to help if they can. Come back and
talk anytime.

Judy

Wow, thanks for everyone for your support before you even know the whole story. I'm so glad I found this place and you wonderful caring folks.

I'm deflated at the moment because I was writing out what happened and had a lot of stuff written down and somehow deleted it all. Sigh.

Don't know if this helps...but sometimes I write something out and then think I deleted it but if I hit the BACK button on my Web Browser....my reply post magically appears again and I can go ahead and post it. Worth a try...anyway... Frustrating when it disappears. I know that feeling too.

Judy

Thank you everyone for the kind words. They are comforting and appreciated.

I edited my original post and replaced it with the details of my story. I don't post to message boards often so I'm not sure if I did it right. I was thinking maybe it looked like I hadn't added anything because I just edited it? I'm wondering if it might not get read because it might not show up as a new post? Should I repost it as a new message? Thanks for any advice.

Here is a picture of my sweet girl. i miss her so much I can't stand it. I can't believe she isn't here anymore. I feel like I've failed her. She did not deserve to go through what she did and I just let them do it to her. I was panicked and alone and confused and helpless and she looked like she was suffering badly. I'm so sad. I miss her so much.

Click to view attachment

I just read your story. I'm crying my eyes out right now. I"m so sorry you had such a terrible experience. I know all too well. Mine was not what I thought or hoped it would be either. Leaving my baby at the vet's was hard for me too. Like Fraffy, Arthur was scared, hurt, and alone. They wouldn't let me stay with him. I didn't hold him, I didn't touch him, he was in too much pain. But the worst thing I remembered was how he looked away from me. Did he not want to see me cry or was he so disappointed in me that I couldn't keep my promise to keep him safe. I'll never know, and the worst of all was that he died with those eyes open...Enough about me, just wanted to show that you are not alone... Sometimes, there is a look our pets give us when they know they will not be with us for long. I think, I'm pretty sure that the look you got was just that. She was trying to tell you it was time for her to go. I know of so many who received that including myself with another pet. .We never want to let them go, but when the time comes we can't think selfishly to hold on. We have to let them go. I keep going back to that day, I know I did the right thing, but there's always that twinge of guilt, that unsure feeling. I call it the head and heart battle. That's what the guilt is, failure. Somehow we feel as if we failed them, promising to keep the safe and healthy. We just have to push out that memory with happier ones. Easier said than done, I know.. Fraffy is a beautiful angel and at peace. You were so lucky to have shared part of your life with her..Hugs.. Ann

What can I say. Your story is overwhelming. And your pain as tangible as possible through a website. I feel that any words I say will not be adequate to capture the deep deep sense of loss and all those other feelings you are experiencing. No matter how they leave us, it is, can never be right - we want so much more for them, we want the best, and when there are no more moments to be had with that individual, all the moments we did have don't seem to be enough. We go over and over all the things we did, and all those things we didn't do and should have and it's like the more we go over it, the more we try to desparately understand what happened and why we acted and reacted the way we did, that somewhere at the end of it all, they will come back and we will be able to make it right. It's like our brains simply do not, can not comprehend what has happened, and we try and try to make sense of everything. But nothing makes sense, because our world, or a huge part of it is no longer here. I offer you an amazing hug, where we both can cry those deep tears together for the sheer intensity of our losses. I understand what it is to be alone, if you want to talk at any time do so, here or personally. No words will truly ease your pain, but many here are very supportive.

Thinking of you in this most desparate time.

Wendi.

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I lost my Casey on November 13 of this year to lung cancer. I too am going through the "what if" stage. I had no idea my cat was so ill until we took him in on October 24th and received the terrible news. My vet took a xray and he had a very large tumor which has already gone to his lungs. We did take him to a specialist, but there was nothing he could do for him. On the morning we decided to release him from the pain, he had a terrible seizure (gasping for air) I, like you, will never forget that moment. I called the vet's office back and asked them to see us right away. I picked him up in a towel and he wet all down my leg. He also bite me (never happened before). I do understand what you are going through, trying to come to some understanding of the events that happened, I am still doing that now. I know you loved Fraffy very much and you did your best with her (she knows that too). Your Fraffy and my Casey are now in heaven and they are no longer in pain. I believe that one day we will be reunited and what a day that will be.

You are in my thoughts and prayers. Please know you are not alone. We all share your sorrow and understand what you are going through.

Karen

Everyone,

Words can't express the gratitude I have for all of your kind, understanding support and help.
I know all of you have experienced very very painful losses of your own and to reach out and help me like you have is just unbelievably compassionate and gracious. I would like to offer my help to everyone too but at the moment I'm in so much pain and grief it might be difficult for me to do so.

Please know though that I understand and feel what you all are going through too and I am there for you in spirit even if I don't write too much yet. I am so glad I came across this place, just by accident really.

Today I finally got a shower and brushed my teeth (first time since last Monday I think) and drove myself to my counselor. I've been seeing her for about four years but she isn't a grief/pet loss specialist. It helped to talk about it and that's pretty much all I did. Afterward I went to a bookstore to find that book "Animals in the Afterlife." I have read several people really had good things to say about the book and that it comforted them. I will start reading it in a few minutes.

The big thing about today though is I picked up Fraffy's ashes. I was driving home from the counselor and called the vet because I was really full of negative feelings about that place; I figured they wouldn't even call me when her ashes came in and I definitely wanted her out of that place, no matter what form she was in. So I called them and they said that her ashes had just come in. Hmmm. So I went in and couldn't even say more than, "I'm here too" when the tears started coming. I couldn't speak anymore. The lady said "Fraffy?" And I just nodded and said, "thank you" when she handed me the bag containing my precious girl.

I walked out to the car and drove (and cried) the rest of the way home. I opened the bag and it had a note from the crematorium, a certificate, a candle, the rainbow bridge poem, and Fraffy's ashes were in a nice little cedar box with her name on it. Right now I just put her up on the mantle but I think I'm going to probably at some point get a nice urn and/or a piece of jewelry so that I can have her near me all the time.

It makes me sad that I never thought to get any of her fur (she was so soft). There is plenty of it about the house though. hehe. Oh, I'm trying to laugh, but I just can't. I think I've laughed one time genuinely this past week and it was at the antics of my remaining cat, Wilma.

On kind of a different note, I was wondering if you guys all have really soft spots in your hearts for not only your pets, but just animals in general? I know I do. I can't stand the thought of any animal being tortured or just neglected due to people not caring about them. It truly makes me sad from the inside out. I think it's because animals can't defend themselves very well. They are innocent creatures and have really no say in how they are treated. I believe animals have souls and communicate with themselves and with their human caretakers.

Like I believe down to my core that Fraffy was looking at me and pleading with me to not leave her at the vet because she knew she was dying and only had a few precious days left to be with me. But I left her there and I really didn't comprehend what that look meant until after. And I feel so bad. She was left there by the person she loved, alone, scared, confused. And I am sure in my heart the people at the vet didn't pay much attention to her. It makes me, I can't think of an appropriate word, um..so sad that I just want to cry forever and ever. I hope somehow she knows I was panicked and was really in desperation mode to try to help her in any way I could. I knew she wasn't eating and thought being at the vet might help get some fluids in her and she might start eating a bit. I really didn't expect that she would be in much much worse shape when I picked her up. She really only probably had about 2 days left with me where she could enjoy feeling loved and safe before she really deteriorated. That makes me so heartbroken, what I did to her. My poor girl.

On one other note, I don't know why I'm thinking to mention this but I read that poem "The Rainbow Bridge" many many years ago. Probably somewhere around the early 90s. It made me cry. I had no real reason to cry then. I had a cat, (not Fraffy) a young cat who was in great health. But that poem effected me in a big way. I remember over the years never reading that poem again on purpose because it made me very sad. Even though it's supposed to be an uplifting poem, it still is really sad. I also remember when I was in 3rd or 4th grade singing a song about a cat that got hurt or killed or something (nice thing to sing about ) and getting extremely sad and upset. I guess I'm mentioning this because I've always had this very emotional response to anything sad relating to animals. Any animal. But when it's my own it's infinitely worse. Anyone else have these same feelings?

Thanks for reading my rambling. And thank you again for the kind words and support. I am thinking about all of your stories too and understand how hard this is for everyone. I read a bunch before I posted here. I wish all of you peace and strength to get through this pain and sad times.

I will try to post more pictures of Fraffy. I took a ridiculous number of them over the years. Most of them though are on regular film so I need to find a way to post them if that's possible.

I edited this to add that I finally had it in me to clean the litter box. I hadn't cleaned it on purpose because Fraffy had used it. I still have Wilma who uses it. I didn't really want to clean it yet but I guess I walked by today and it was kind of ripe. (trying to laugh again)


Melanie

You just ramble all you want. We like to read it. It also helps to heal. Sometime we don't have people in person to listen so this place comes in handy alot!!!!
Lovely picture of your Fraffy. Yes, do post more. Do you have any funny memories of her you would like to share? (when you are ready of course)

Many hugs to you and angel Fraffy.

Please do not hesitate to write your feelings, you need to get them out. I also want to say, please don't feel guilty about leaving Fraffy at the vet's office, you were trying to get her help. We can only do what we feel best for our littly furry friends and we make our decisions because we love them.

To answer your question about loving all animals - yes- and I am sure everyone here does. I have been a volunteer at a extended stay shelter (no-kill as long as the animal is not suffering medically) for over 10 years. I foster mom cats and kittens in the summer. It is very hard to give them back to the shelter, but I know they go to good homes. I am glad I found this webpage because I makes me realize, more than ever, how much people love their pets.

You are in my thoughts.

Take care
Karen

I really can sympathize..It's all so very hard. I'm glad you decided to change the litter box..lol.., In regards to your question, I too love all animals. My Arthur use to catch the chipmonks and I'd praise him up and down, and find a way to pick them up and set them free. My partner has a little mouse problem in his house right now. Exterminator, forget about it!..He's caught 3 so far with my have a heart mouse trap.
I'm sorry you do not have any fur of your baby. I did manage to ask for some, but I found myself pulling some off at the bottom of the va%% cleaner.
I got a piece of jewerly and wear my Arthur's ashes regularly. It brings me comfort. Just a small amount. I couldn't find one online that I liked, but was going to get one anyways. Well I held off and while shopping one day I was looking for a long(er) chain to put in on. I looked a the sterling silver jewerly, (I didn't like the jewerly and the chains weren't that long) but I found what they called prayer boxes. A couple days later they were on sale for 65 pc off. I got 2, one for his ashes and the other for his fur. It was at Kohls, you can check it out online if your interested and type in prayer boxes in the search..
I start my voulenteer work at my local shelter Fri, I'm hoping it will fill a void(and help me find another cat someday).. Would love to see some picts of your Fraffy when your up for it. Take care.. Ann

Thanks again everyone for your support. It's been just over a week and I am still very much grieving over Fraffy but I am forcing myself to do things like go to work, get a shower, brush my teeth, etc. All I really, truly want to do is sleep.

I have her little box of ashes up on the bookshelf next to my bed with a picture of her sitting on top of them. But every night since I've gotten them (Monday) I've taken the box down and slept with it under the covers. She slept with me very often and sometimes she'd come up to the pillow and lightly paw at the covers and my face so that I would let her in and she'd curl up under the covers with me.

I miss her.

That is so sweet!!
I wish I could have gotten ashes to save.

I know you miss her. I miss my Sissycat too. Think I always will!!!

Hugs to you!!!!!!!!!