Has anyone ever sworn off getting another animal altogether?
I've loved animals my entire life, was especially fond of dogs, but honestly don't see myself having one ever again. I can't go through this pain again. I can't believe I made the mistakes I did with my dog. I can't imagine carrying this guilt around for the rest of my life. People say I have to let it go and that with time it will soften. I've lost many other pets--3 dogs included-- but no loss has been this devastating.
It pains me to see dogs anymore, on TV or with friends or relatives. Life has been a nightmare since my dog died.
Has anyone decided they had to keep animals out of their life after a loss, and found they can be okay with it?
Full Version: I May Never Welcome Another Animal Into My Life Again
QUOTE (hope2heal @ Nov 14 2008, 12:13 AM) 
Has anyone ever sworn off getting another animal altogether?
Hi there.
When I was a teenager our border collie was hit by a car. My parents never got another dog after that. I remember my mom really wanting one and my dad just finding every reason not to get one. My dad hates travel, but that was one of the excuses about never being able to go anywhere. They still never went anywhere.
What I know, deep down is that my dad never wanted to face the pain that he felt ever again. In fact with Ziggy being murdered he didn't say one word to me about being sorry or feeling bad etc etc. It's not because he didn't like her - he played with her when he visited and remarked about how she tried to grab him through the railings and other cute things she did. He just can't face talking about it and I think he shoves those feelings away to some dark quiet place. Do I think he is "okay" with the decision not to get another dog? No, not really. I'm not saying you should go out and get another - that is an altogether personal decision and many factors have to be considered. In my parents' case, I believe both my mom and dad would have had many years of love and care to give another dog, but my dad only remembers the pain of loss, and not the years of joy. When my old Merlin was euthanized at 17 I tried to remind myself of something I read on another forum about not wanting another pet because of the pain of loss. Someone said "how could you deprive yourself of all those years of joy?" And for me, this is very true. My pets have all given me tremendous joy and the loss is a part of that "deal" we make in getting a pet, because the only live so long.
Again, this is not to say the decision not to adopt isn't the right one for you - for many people, including myself, timing and cir%%stances are major factors and have to be seriously considered.
As for the guilt - I could also blame myself for many things that led to the cir%%stances of Ziggy's death - her outdoor freedoms, choosing the wrong vet when she was shot, not asking the vet more questions, phoning my husband about the quote the vet gave me (the vet later made the excuse that funds were an issue for us, therefore she did not suggest aggressive treatment), etc etc The day Ziggy got shot we were running around like maniacs getting ready for an international student who came to stay with us that evening. Now all that running around seems so senseless in light of what happened. Also when Zita disappeared, I barely saw her that day and am not exactly sure of my last memory of where she was - maybe on the couch, maybe seeing her in the morning. We can blame ourselves until the cows come home and it makes absolutely no difference to the outcome except to hurt ourselves more.
I do hope you will forgive yourself and realize that all of us here are human and we cannot possibly realize the potential outcomes of every situation. We simply cannot.
I wish you much peace and healing.
sending you love
Jan.
Hello hope2heal,
As Jan has said this is very personal, but in response to your question, I have not sworn off getting another 4 legged companion, but I doubt that I ever would. And for me it is not the pain of him going - that is immense and inconsolable. For me, my boy was it. Like for some people who lose a partner, they have no interest in finding another - my father never remarried after my mother passed on, and many people are like that. Sometimes there is just that special someone who leaves an indelible print on ones heart and soul which simply prevents any other relationship to occur again in that same way. It doesn't mean we do not love. It's just for me anyway, I think I found the most intense love I've known in someone who happened to have four legs and a fur coat. It's just the way of it. In the past when I went through the loss of another feline in 1986, I did vow never again because of the pain. And I didn't think of it again till 3 years later when something in me had shifted and I thought I wouldn't mind adopting another but this time I wanted adults and didn't want to do the kitten thing again and I would get two - girls I hoped. I did get two - adults yes, but both boys. And it ended up being 5 years. One of them passed on 17 months later and Magion and I were together for 17 years. I am simply not interested in another.
As far as the guilt goes, I am still experiencing it incredibly - the mistakes I made just loom up and there will be regrets that will remain. Life has been a nightmare since my dog died.
I feel the same since losing my boy - I just want everything over these last weeks to be a bad dream and to wake up and see my boy lying in bed beside me, looking at me, happy and healthy - and we can have wonderful hugs and so many kisses and I can breathe a huge sigh of relief and be thankful it was all a dream. A really disgusting dream.' Life is a nightmare for me too.
I hope you heal - it is just a really awful time - and letting go is not easy, it's one of the hardest things. I'm not there yet and others on this site will say the same.
I'm probably no help - but I hope you can find some comfort in the rest of us, who also feel like it's all too much. It's a huge adjustment and that can take a very long time, and does not need to be rushed.
Take care.
Wendi.
As Jan has said this is very personal, but in response to your question, I have not sworn off getting another 4 legged companion, but I doubt that I ever would. And for me it is not the pain of him going - that is immense and inconsolable. For me, my boy was it. Like for some people who lose a partner, they have no interest in finding another - my father never remarried after my mother passed on, and many people are like that. Sometimes there is just that special someone who leaves an indelible print on ones heart and soul which simply prevents any other relationship to occur again in that same way. It doesn't mean we do not love. It's just for me anyway, I think I found the most intense love I've known in someone who happened to have four legs and a fur coat. It's just the way of it. In the past when I went through the loss of another feline in 1986, I did vow never again because of the pain. And I didn't think of it again till 3 years later when something in me had shifted and I thought I wouldn't mind adopting another but this time I wanted adults and didn't want to do the kitten thing again and I would get two - girls I hoped. I did get two - adults yes, but both boys. And it ended up being 5 years. One of them passed on 17 months later and Magion and I were together for 17 years. I am simply not interested in another.
As far as the guilt goes, I am still experiencing it incredibly - the mistakes I made just loom up and there will be regrets that will remain. Life has been a nightmare since my dog died.
I feel the same since losing my boy - I just want everything over these last weeks to be a bad dream and to wake up and see my boy lying in bed beside me, looking at me, happy and healthy - and we can have wonderful hugs and so many kisses and I can breathe a huge sigh of relief and be thankful it was all a dream. A really disgusting dream.' Life is a nightmare for me too.
I hope you heal - it is just a really awful time - and letting go is not easy, it's one of the hardest things. I'm not there yet and others on this site will say the same.
I'm probably no help - but I hope you can find some comfort in the rest of us, who also feel like it's all too much. It's a huge adjustment and that can take a very long time, and does not need to be rushed.
Take care.
Wendi.
Zita'sMom and Magesmumma,
Jan, I am so so sorry--I went in and read your Topic posts about Zita and Ziggy. So very sad. So hard to lose them both in such a short span of time. My husband lost 2 of his cats outdoors; one was hit by a car and the other, though we can never prove it (and never got his body) we are 99.9% sure he was killed by a former neighbor. We shudder to think how.
Wendi, the "second runner up" reason for me too is that Patsy was the most wonderful, intelligent, loving dog I ever had. Just so special. I even used to call her "'Purdy' (pretty) Special." It pains me that I let Purdy Special down; I just know I did. I certainly don't want to believe it, and people have told me No, i didn't let her down, and No, I don't know that I did.
I don't know how I'm going to get past this.
Thank you for your kind words and thoughts.
Jan, I am so so sorry--I went in and read your Topic posts about Zita and Ziggy. So very sad. So hard to lose them both in such a short span of time. My husband lost 2 of his cats outdoors; one was hit by a car and the other, though we can never prove it (and never got his body) we are 99.9% sure he was killed by a former neighbor. We shudder to think how.
Wendi, the "second runner up" reason for me too is that Patsy was the most wonderful, intelligent, loving dog I ever had. Just so special. I even used to call her "'Purdy' (pretty) Special." It pains me that I let Purdy Special down; I just know I did. I certainly don't want to believe it, and people have told me No, i didn't let her down, and No, I don't know that I did.
I don't know how I'm going to get past this.
Thank you for your kind words and thoughts.
hope2heal,
Just to share my own current thoughts on this question....
It's been 2 yrs. + almost 3 months since my fur-daughter left at 19 yrs., 7 months of age, after 6.5 yrs. after losing her brother (so now almost 9 yrs. after his death), and I'm still debating the same question - will I ever do this again?
Both of my furkids have said, through animal communicators (and in my heart, too) that they want to come back to me, together, like the last time. Really, they're the only ones I truly want (got plenty of reasons for that) and I'm just taking a well-needed break from all the stresses of care-giving I'd provided to my fur-daughter in her last years with us. Those stresses (and associated issues) were very hard on me and I need to keep recovering from them yet to get farther beyond them.
On the other hand, I'm not getting any younger and can't delay any decision for too long, if either or both of them would end up living as long as Nissa did (which I'd certainly HOPE for!!), as I'd expect myself to provide at LEAST as much intricate care for them once again, if not more.
However, of late I've been dealing with & trying to help several neighbourhood feline friends who don't even 'belong' to me, and whose families are far less than stellar with their care.....and so they're flocking to me and our yard, some of them daily. At least one of them really wants to move in, too. I'm now caught between a rock and a hard place, trying to convince their families to take proper care of them (not working out well so far), doing what little I can to help them out w/o also stepping on too many stupid human toes all at once, and I'm finding even this amount of effort and worry is straining and draining me right out.
I didn't bargain on this happening and in fact, until just recently, I'd been operating on the premise that I was just going to continue to heal, do some of the things I'd not been able to do before when I was a full-time Mom, put in place some practical things for the future, but THEN ask my kids to return to me.
But now I'm not even sure anymore whether I'd want my most beloved kidlets to come back to this stinky world, even though they'd be under MY loving care for the most part. There's still the question about finding a better-fitting local vet we'd all be happier with...and most of them here are absolutely TERRIBLE overall, so that seems rather hopeless, unless we move somewhere 'better', if there even is such a place! So for me, I DON'T really want anyone but my own kids, still, and yet I also shudder to think of them leaving the peaceful & safe plane they're now on, in exchange for this crazy world again. I don't know how I'm going to end up thinking or feeling later on anymore, as I was never sure at the start (of the grief) whether I could go through all this pain again, or if it would eventually soften enough to feel brave again. And of course, I also feel a bit guilty every single day, that I'm NOT adopting at least 2 more poor furries, 'mine' or not, who need a GOOD home (unlike the typical ones around here!), even though I know I'm not up to it yet no matter what anyone else hopes for.
In another way, I plan to work with animals, helping them in a professional capacity anyway, so for all I know that may be 'enough' for me now and I won't be totally w/o contact with animals.
So I guess you could say I'm still in limbo about the whole thing, which doesn't help you any with your question, but at least you'll know that others struggle with it, too, in their own ways and situations. But I'm glad I'm not the only one who's debating over this inside.
Why don't you just give yourself plenty of time to allow the answer to unfold in you? I know you're probably torn between not wishing to live like this now or possibly for the rest of your earthly time, and finding some relief from the sorrow in adopting again, but you really don't know yet how you'll feel much later (sorry, I don't know how long it's been for you yet). I think pretty much the majority of us go through the not wanting to be w/o our own kids, but not sure if we could ever either stand the pain of loss again, whether that's with them again (whether you believe in reincarnating again or not.....many people have become believers AFTER the fact) or with some other soul(s).....followed by the question of WHEN they might be ready if they decide to go that route. It's not easy to answer quickly and the best, most respectful thing we can do for ourselves is to keep listening to our inner wisdom and hearts, as things unfold. Maybe working on your guilty feelings is the best place to start for now and leave it at that FOR now, cuz that's a big and hard enough part of the process as it is.
And keep reminding yourself to just BREATHE. (((Hugs)))
Just to share my own current thoughts on this question....
It's been 2 yrs. + almost 3 months since my fur-daughter left at 19 yrs., 7 months of age, after 6.5 yrs. after losing her brother (so now almost 9 yrs. after his death), and I'm still debating the same question - will I ever do this again?
Both of my furkids have said, through animal communicators (and in my heart, too) that they want to come back to me, together, like the last time. Really, they're the only ones I truly want (got plenty of reasons for that) and I'm just taking a well-needed break from all the stresses of care-giving I'd provided to my fur-daughter in her last years with us. Those stresses (and associated issues) were very hard on me and I need to keep recovering from them yet to get farther beyond them.
On the other hand, I'm not getting any younger and can't delay any decision for too long, if either or both of them would end up living as long as Nissa did (which I'd certainly HOPE for!!), as I'd expect myself to provide at LEAST as much intricate care for them once again, if not more.
However, of late I've been dealing with & trying to help several neighbourhood feline friends who don't even 'belong' to me, and whose families are far less than stellar with their care.....and so they're flocking to me and our yard, some of them daily. At least one of them really wants to move in, too. I'm now caught between a rock and a hard place, trying to convince their families to take proper care of them (not working out well so far), doing what little I can to help them out w/o also stepping on too many stupid human toes all at once, and I'm finding even this amount of effort and worry is straining and draining me right out.
I didn't bargain on this happening and in fact, until just recently, I'd been operating on the premise that I was just going to continue to heal, do some of the things I'd not been able to do before when I was a full-time Mom, put in place some practical things for the future, but THEN ask my kids to return to me.
But now I'm not even sure anymore whether I'd want my most beloved kidlets to come back to this stinky world, even though they'd be under MY loving care for the most part. There's still the question about finding a better-fitting local vet we'd all be happier with...and most of them here are absolutely TERRIBLE overall, so that seems rather hopeless, unless we move somewhere 'better', if there even is such a place! So for me, I DON'T really want anyone but my own kids, still, and yet I also shudder to think of them leaving the peaceful & safe plane they're now on, in exchange for this crazy world again. I don't know how I'm going to end up thinking or feeling later on anymore, as I was never sure at the start (of the grief) whether I could go through all this pain again, or if it would eventually soften enough to feel brave again. And of course, I also feel a bit guilty every single day, that I'm NOT adopting at least 2 more poor furries, 'mine' or not, who need a GOOD home (unlike the typical ones around here!), even though I know I'm not up to it yet no matter what anyone else hopes for.
In another way, I plan to work with animals, helping them in a professional capacity anyway, so for all I know that may be 'enough' for me now and I won't be totally w/o contact with animals.
So I guess you could say I'm still in limbo about the whole thing, which doesn't help you any with your question, but at least you'll know that others struggle with it, too, in their own ways and situations. But I'm glad I'm not the only one who's debating over this inside.
Why don't you just give yourself plenty of time to allow the answer to unfold in you? I know you're probably torn between not wishing to live like this now or possibly for the rest of your earthly time, and finding some relief from the sorrow in adopting again, but you really don't know yet how you'll feel much later (sorry, I don't know how long it's been for you yet). I think pretty much the majority of us go through the not wanting to be w/o our own kids, but not sure if we could ever either stand the pain of loss again, whether that's with them again (whether you believe in reincarnating again or not.....many people have become believers AFTER the fact) or with some other soul(s).....followed by the question of WHEN they might be ready if they decide to go that route. It's not easy to answer quickly and the best, most respectful thing we can do for ourselves is to keep listening to our inner wisdom and hearts, as things unfold. Maybe working on your guilty feelings is the best place to start for now and leave it at that FOR now, cuz that's a big and hard enough part of the process as it is.
And keep reminding yourself to just BREATHE. (((Hugs)))
after waiting for 10+ years to adopt another cat, i had two kittens die within 15 months. the 2nd one was particularly gut-wrenching since he died unexpectedly at the vet after a fairly routine procedure. i don't think it is in the cards for me to bring a new animal into my life, but that doesnt mean others should follow suit. having an animal you love in your life is rewarding, just not for me. with that said, if my wife wants to add another animal to our household i wouldnt stand in her way...but i doubt i would make much effort to get close to it.
time does heal loss, but history plays a major role in determining if you want to go through another loss.
time does heal loss, but history plays a major role in determining if you want to go through another loss.
I think it's probably up to each individual, what they feel comfortable with. I still have a pet family at home after Ren and Zorro died, but I did recently learn that my cat Ivy has the same disease Ren died of. I am SCARED to death to go through that again, and I am wonder how the HECK I am going to get through it. It was so scary watching the moments when Ren was having trouble breathing. I can't believe I will have to go through that with Ivy. But, I have hope because without it I would have nothing. My pet family at home does keep me smiling and loving... and for that I am grateful.
For me, without another pet in the house, the thought of coming home and seeing empty food bowls and unused toys, is too much for me to bear. The sadness would over-take me. Everyone handles it diffently, though. And I am sure you will make what-ever choice is right for you.
Ren, Zorro, and Nemo's Mom
For me, without another pet in the house, the thought of coming home and seeing empty food bowls and unused toys, is too much for me to bear. The sadness would over-take me. Everyone handles it diffently, though. And I am sure you will make what-ever choice is right for you.
Ren, Zorro, and Nemo's Mom
I agree with those who say that it is an individual choice. With that said, I would face the pain of loss countless times knowing how many enjoyable years I am giving my furkids. When I look at a furkid who is waiting for a home my heart naturally reaches out to them. If I can give them a wonderful life and take them out of their current situation I will do it every time even if I know that I will have to go through some very tough times at the end of their lives. There are never any guarantees in life when you adopt a furkid but I wouldn't trade the beautiful times I have with my guys here for anything. You have to have a tough constitution to go through the grief process and then face another adoption but there are so many furkids out there who do not have a home that I feel it would be a horrible shame not to share my life with them. This is particularly true in this era where people are struggling financially. Their pets are being dumped at shelters at a record rate this year and people with loving homes are needed more than ever now.
It is so difficult this year finding homes for furkids. Recently we were contacted by a woman who had found two Walker hounds in the road near her home. They were lost and starving after apparently being on a hunt. She tried but could not find their owner and she did not have room for them so she dumped them at our local kill shelter. They were scheduled to be euthanized the following week due to overcrowding at the shelter. We live in a mobile home with 9 rescue cats and a bunny so I had no room for them but I couldn't live with myself if I had let them die. We adopted them and called all over the state before finding a woman living 5 hours away who would foster and work with them so they could be indoor/outdoor pets. We had them neutered, all needed tests and shots given, and drove them to her. This is a work in progress and hopefully they will find good homes soon. My point is that there are so many needy cats and dogs out there now who are just waiting to be loved. They deserve it. Here is a photo of the hounds Elvis and Priscilla.
When you are ready emotionally please consider asking another furkid to share your life and home. If you feel you can give them love, go for it!
Ken Albin
It is so difficult this year finding homes for furkids. Recently we were contacted by a woman who had found two Walker hounds in the road near her home. They were lost and starving after apparently being on a hunt. She tried but could not find their owner and she did not have room for them so she dumped them at our local kill shelter. They were scheduled to be euthanized the following week due to overcrowding at the shelter. We live in a mobile home with 9 rescue cats and a bunny so I had no room for them but I couldn't live with myself if I had let them die. We adopted them and called all over the state before finding a woman living 5 hours away who would foster and work with them so they could be indoor/outdoor pets. We had them neutered, all needed tests and shots given, and drove them to her. This is a work in progress and hopefully they will find good homes soon. My point is that there are so many needy cats and dogs out there now who are just waiting to be loved. They deserve it. Here is a photo of the hounds Elvis and Priscilla.
When you are ready emotionally please consider asking another furkid to share your life and home. If you feel you can give them love, go for it!
Ken Albin
It is such a heartbreaking event to go through when you lose a pet. I have had many pets over the years and I wish we didn't have to say goodbye.
There are so many animals out there that need to find a special forever home. Although the pain of losing a pet is great, think of the many joys that they bring. If you could find it in heart to open up once again, when the time is right, just think of what you can do to make a special home for a special friend that otherwise may be neglected or put down.
When we try to spare ourselves the pain of loss we can deny an animal the opportunity to have a loved and cherished life, no matter how long that time we can spend together is. Trust me, you will receive unconditional love from them too.
We try do our best as pet owners, but sometimes we make mistakes. Though we not always feel that we have done our best, we can learn not to make those same mistakes again. I made a tremendous mistake recently with my little Timba that I will always regret. It has been the most awful thing I have ever had to endure. However, I have so much more to give. For my part I will try to share and educate others not to make the same mistakes that I did. This helps with healing the pain of loss and my guilt because I am helping to educate others.
I hope you will reconsider. If you do decide to take another chance I think it is worth it because you are giving the gift of life and this is not something that all animals are fortunate to find. A new friend can also ease the pain of the passing of another. Perhaps, in a way, you can make up for any mistakes you feel you made with your baby by helping another have a happy life.
Take care and Blessings to you,
Allanna
There are so many animals out there that need to find a special forever home. Although the pain of losing a pet is great, think of the many joys that they bring. If you could find it in heart to open up once again, when the time is right, just think of what you can do to make a special home for a special friend that otherwise may be neglected or put down.
When we try to spare ourselves the pain of loss we can deny an animal the opportunity to have a loved and cherished life, no matter how long that time we can spend together is. Trust me, you will receive unconditional love from them too.
We try do our best as pet owners, but sometimes we make mistakes. Though we not always feel that we have done our best, we can learn not to make those same mistakes again. I made a tremendous mistake recently with my little Timba that I will always regret. It has been the most awful thing I have ever had to endure. However, I have so much more to give. For my part I will try to share and educate others not to make the same mistakes that I did. This helps with healing the pain of loss and my guilt because I am helping to educate others.
I hope you will reconsider. If you do decide to take another chance I think it is worth it because you are giving the gift of life and this is not something that all animals are fortunate to find. A new friend can also ease the pain of the passing of another. Perhaps, in a way, you can make up for any mistakes you feel you made with your baby by helping another have a happy life.
Take care and Blessings to you,
Allanna
Furkidlets' Mom and LS Support,
Furkidlets' Mom, thank you for sharing. It sounds like you are a tremendous help to those kitties and you are doing all you can for them. I'm sure they appreciate it. My mom is feeding a family of 3 cats herself. She's concerned because winter has arrived and they appear to stop by at all hours. Doesn't seem like the owners let them in. She's doing all she can, as her Beagle would love to attack the cats, and my son is seriously allergic to them, so she could never keep any indoors.
LS Support,
Thank you for writing and sharing your experience, and thank you for the great service you are providing here. I don't think I could do what you are doing. I suppose not physically having all these animals around makes it perhaps a little more bearable...?
hope2
Furkidlets' Mom, thank you for sharing. It sounds like you are a tremendous help to those kitties and you are doing all you can for them. I'm sure they appreciate it. My mom is feeding a family of 3 cats herself. She's concerned because winter has arrived and they appear to stop by at all hours. Doesn't seem like the owners let them in. She's doing all she can, as her Beagle would love to attack the cats, and my son is seriously allergic to them, so she could never keep any indoors.
LS Support,
Thank you for writing and sharing your experience, and thank you for the great service you are providing here. I don't think I could do what you are doing. I suppose not physically having all these animals around makes it perhaps a little more bearable...?
hope2
Nemo's Mommy and Ken Albin--
Nemo's Mommy--Thank you for writing and sharing with me. I'm so sorry to hear about Ivy; I hope that somehow things can go better for you with Ivy than they did with Ren. It is hard coming home to emptiness but right now my guilt tremendously overweighs everything else. I am trying to bring myself to at least dismantling my dog's crate; I may even donate it to the animal shelter next week. Patsy would "Kennel up" whenever you'd ask her to...I can't stand thinking of all her wonderful ways and how I let her down.
It's too much.
Ken --
God bless you for taking in those 2 beautiful dogs. I'm glad you found someone else to take them in and that you gave them another chance at life. It always seems like the folks that give the most are the ones who already have a full plate--like you with your 9 cats and rabbit! Wow. Thank you again for writing. If only I could someday be like you the others here...I think now it's going to take a miracle...
Thanks again,
Hope2heal
Nemo's Mommy--Thank you for writing and sharing with me. I'm so sorry to hear about Ivy; I hope that somehow things can go better for you with Ivy than they did with Ren. It is hard coming home to emptiness but right now my guilt tremendously overweighs everything else. I am trying to bring myself to at least dismantling my dog's crate; I may even donate it to the animal shelter next week. Patsy would "Kennel up" whenever you'd ask her to...I can't stand thinking of all her wonderful ways and how I let her down.
It's too much.
Ken --
God bless you for taking in those 2 beautiful dogs. I'm glad you found someone else to take them in and that you gave them another chance at life. It always seems like the folks that give the most are the ones who already have a full plate--like you with your 9 cats and rabbit! Wow. Thank you again for writing. If only I could someday be like you the others here...I think now it's going to take a miracle...
Thanks again,
Hope2heal
QUOTE (Timba's Mom @ Nov 14 2008, 09:35 PM)
Trust me, you will receive unconditional love from them too.
We try do our best as pet owners, but sometimes we make mistakes. Though we not always feel that we have done our best, we can learn not to make those same mistakes again.
Perhaps, in a way, you can make up for any mistakes you feel you made with your baby by helping another have a happy life.
Take care and Blessings to you,
Allanna
We try do our best as pet owners, but sometimes we make mistakes. Though we not always feel that we have done our best, we can learn not to make those same mistakes again.
Perhaps, in a way, you can make up for any mistakes you feel you made with your baby by helping another have a happy life.
Take care and Blessings to you,
Allanna
Timba's Mom--
Thank you for your kind words. What tears me apart right now is just that: thinking of the unconditional love my dog gave me and I ended up letting her down, BIG TIME. I keep thinking of the ways that she was trying to get my attention and I guess I just didn't get it. She trusted me. I was always so attentive to her and I slacked off in the end. Perhaps some day I will not feel so much guilt and can move on. For now it is just a matter of getting through each day. I wish I could pick up and move out of this little house; I'm so reminded of her absence that I can barely stand it.
I did read your post about Timba and I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds as if you did what you thought was right. Still, I'm sure this must be very difficult. I wish healing for your heart.
Sincerely,
hope
hope to heal,
I can relate to your feelings. I do still have another dog , she is an 11 yr. old Corgi and I pray she will be with us a while.. but loosing my beautiful baby boy who was killed by a car is the most devastating loss I have ever experiiced. The thought of bringing in another pet is just more than I could imagine. I feel so guilty that I feel unworthy of having another pet, even though I know I was a good mom and cared more than many do, I keep thinking that I would have him still had I done things differently. I have lost other pets and it took me a while before being ready for a new one. This time does really feel different. I still cry every day. I don't want another dog to fill the place that I hold for my best boy. I loved him more than I thought was possible. It was the purest love I ever experienced. It is a different love than I have for my surviving dog. It is one of those feelings that can only be felt and not really explained to others. So filling that with another is just impossible.
whatever you decide is what will be best for you and remember that what you feel today may change tomorrow or next week or next year. We are always free to change our minds and should be open to the possibilities that may come our way. So very sorry for your loss. Take care
annf
I can relate to your feelings. I do still have another dog , she is an 11 yr. old Corgi and I pray she will be with us a while.. but loosing my beautiful baby boy who was killed by a car is the most devastating loss I have ever experiiced. The thought of bringing in another pet is just more than I could imagine. I feel so guilty that I feel unworthy of having another pet, even though I know I was a good mom and cared more than many do, I keep thinking that I would have him still had I done things differently. I have lost other pets and it took me a while before being ready for a new one. This time does really feel different. I still cry every day. I don't want another dog to fill the place that I hold for my best boy. I loved him more than I thought was possible. It was the purest love I ever experienced. It is a different love than I have for my surviving dog. It is one of those feelings that can only be felt and not really explained to others. So filling that with another is just impossible.
whatever you decide is what will be best for you and remember that what you feel today may change tomorrow or next week or next year. We are always free to change our minds and should be open to the possibilities that may come our way. So very sorry for your loss. Take care
annf
Hi Hope2heal, I was feeling really sorry for myself not too long ago. The guilt of losing Arthur came mostly from all the people who told me don't let him out. Including my partner, who is so devestated by this loss that he too said no more. Now, he saids indoor only. I thought, I can never have another I'm unfit, I want them to have freedom but I can't protect them all the time. But having lost a love like the one you had, 16yrs ago and it took 14 years to get another, I just want more. I have so much more love to give. That doesn't mean I love my boy any less now. I have to learn from the past. The way I deal with them, with my grief, everything. Now, I'm living with people who don't want them. I go to the shelter every week just to "hang out" with the kitties and soon to be a volunteer. This way, I get to be around them, I get to fill my void(I hope) for now. You just may need some time, it could be years down the road when your ready again. I understand what you wrote about not being able to see another dog..I was like that too. It most certainly is a deep wound..Only time will tell what you decide to do. You may see someone playing with their dog someday and boom, you think, I really need that back in my life.. You have to feel it in your heart and if it doesn't happen for you, then it's not wrong either, it can't be forced.. Wishing you much peace and healing.. Ann
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I don't think I could do what you are doing. I suppose not physically having all these animals around makes it perhaps a little more bearable...?
in a short answer, yes. it helps knowing that people are coming here for a single purpose and that their needs, wants, and desires are met effectively. heading now in my 13th year with online pet support, i can say i 'burnt out' on the subject after a few years. while all truly unique, the animals and the death began merging into one single indistinguishable ball of despair. i've since move past that, but as many of you site veterans know i typically let the site run and be supported by the members here...they do the best good, i just work to keep the lights on
QUOTE (annf @ Nov 14 2008, 11:56 PM)
hope to heal,
I feel so guilty that I feel unworthy of having another pet, even though I know I was a good mom and cared more than many do, I keep thinking that I would have him still had I done things differently. I have lost other pets and it took me a while before being ready for a new one. This time does really feel different.
It was the purest love I ever experienced. It is a different love than I have for my surviving dog. It is one of those feelings that can only be felt and not really explained to others. So filling that with another is just impossible.
annf
I feel so guilty that I feel unworthy of having another pet, even though I know I was a good mom and cared more than many do, I keep thinking that I would have him still had I done things differently. I have lost other pets and it took me a while before being ready for a new one. This time does really feel different.
It was the purest love I ever experienced. It is a different love than I have for my surviving dog. It is one of those feelings that can only be felt and not really explained to others. So filling that with another is just impossible.
annf
annf-- Thank you for sharing that. I also have an unworthy feeling. I know I did a lot of good things for my dog, but I honestly believe I slacked off at the end, and I don't believe I could do such a thing. I know if I want to move on I will have to, but right now there's just no forgiving myself. It's absolutely horrible. I've never felt this horrible in my life. I have experienced some guilt with all of my animal losses, but it seemed like after a few weeks or maybe one or two months feelings would be mostly converted into only grief. It's been over 4 months now with no improvement. I am sleeping and usually eating better though. But I really feel like this time I just let my dog die, and I feel absolutely sick about it.
annf-- I just wanted to let you know how sorry I am to hear of Woody's passing. I read your post. Just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you too.
Sincerely,
hope2heal
Sincerely,
hope2heal
ann--
Oh ann, if only I could be like you! I actually kind of envy folks like you. I do realize however that you have suffered a tremendous loss, and I'm so very sorry about it. That's a long time to have an animal in your life. The dog I had longest lived for 13 years (14, not counting the year he was with someone else before we adopted him from the humane society). I basically grew up with him.
I find it amazing how you are able to pick yourself back up and volunteer at a shelter... I hope you are able to work another kitty into your home life again one day...
Sincerely,
hope2heal
Oh ann, if only I could be like you! I actually kind of envy folks like you. I do realize however that you have suffered a tremendous loss, and I'm so very sorry about it. That's a long time to have an animal in your life. The dog I had longest lived for 13 years (14, not counting the year he was with someone else before we adopted him from the humane society). I basically grew up with him.
I find it amazing how you are able to pick yourself back up and volunteer at a shelter... I hope you are able to work another kitty into your home life again one day...
Sincerely,
hope2heal
Just wanted to give my opion on the subject. Remember no one has your right answer.
I do believe it all depends on the person. There are also many many factors to play a part in your decision.
For me, I've had many losses, but this one has been the hardest yet. Lost Sissycat June 5 of this year. I know I do want more furpets sometime. (I still have 4 cats) I just don't really think I am ready yet. Part of that reason is because I know in the back of my mind that humans usually will outlive their pets. Like another person said The joy of getting to spend many great years is worth the pain of loss.
Just look at the great life we can give to them.
I know I will have to go through loss again, but I also know I will love many furpets again.
I definately would get another pet. Look how many out there need all of us who care so much for them!!
I do believe it all depends on the person. There are also many many factors to play a part in your decision.
For me, I've had many losses, but this one has been the hardest yet. Lost Sissycat June 5 of this year. I know I do want more furpets sometime. (I still have 4 cats) I just don't really think I am ready yet. Part of that reason is because I know in the back of my mind that humans usually will outlive their pets. Like another person said The joy of getting to spend many great years is worth the pain of loss.
Just look at the great life we can give to them.
I know I will have to go through loss again, but I also know I will love many furpets again.
I definately would get another pet. Look how many out there need all of us who care so much for them!!
sissycat,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I'm so sorry to hear about dear Sissycat. Again, it's great that a person can have such an outlook as you do. I just don't see it happening for me again.
Everyone here at L-S is so kind; I wish all of you could be my real-life neighbors! What a great support system we could be for each other!
hope2heal
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I'm so sorry to hear about dear Sissycat. Again, it's great that a person can have such an outlook as you do. I just don't see it happening for me again.
Everyone here at L-S is so kind; I wish all of you could be my real-life neighbors! What a great support system we could be for each other!
hope2heal
That would be so great to have neighbors from this site!!!! I wish there were more people out there that feel the ways we do about animals.
I wish you luck in whatever your decision is.
I wish you luck in whatever your decision is.
sorry i am coming into this a little late. its not that i havent read it over and tried to post a million times...but i just didnt know how to word what i wanted to say.
i lost my tee bone in may of this year. it will be 6 months since her passing on the 23rd of this month.
i must say, i had been in a very dark place. i miss her so much. my dh (darling husband) had been asking to get another and well my thought on it was well... why bother they are going to die anyway.
i mean me of all people thinking that way..i love animals how could i ever think that way.? but when your heart breaks into a million pieces...well you cant help it. so i can understand exactly how you feel and where your coming from. i really can.
but ..... you knew there's be a but in there...hee hee....my dh sent me an email of a dog. i looked at it and said thats nice...click..delete....
then i get another one....nice... click... delete...
then i get a simple message.... he needs a home...again nice... click...delete...
then that following sunday he arrives at our door for the day.. now i cant possibly click and delete now...darn it!!! darn husband!!!!
30 seconds later i am smitten... and curtis has been with us for 1 month and two weeks... and i love him to pieces!!!!
the moral of my sotry is ... curtis needed a home and i needed him. and he knew it. and now together we make a family once again, dont sell yourself short. it takes time someday when you least expect it you may find yourself yearning for that special fur baby and that specail furbaby will come to you when you least expect it.
now dont get me wrong.. curtis will never replace tee in my heart and soul.. but he sure does brighten my day and makes me smile and laugh again...and that i am forever thankful for...
my best to you..
i lost my tee bone in may of this year. it will be 6 months since her passing on the 23rd of this month.
i must say, i had been in a very dark place. i miss her so much. my dh (darling husband) had been asking to get another and well my thought on it was well... why bother they are going to die anyway.
i mean me of all people thinking that way..i love animals how could i ever think that way.? but when your heart breaks into a million pieces...well you cant help it. so i can understand exactly how you feel and where your coming from. i really can.
but ..... you knew there's be a but in there...hee hee....my dh sent me an email of a dog. i looked at it and said thats nice...click..delete....
then i get another one....nice... click... delete...
then i get a simple message.... he needs a home...again nice... click...delete...
then that following sunday he arrives at our door for the day.. now i cant possibly click and delete now...darn it!!! darn husband!!!!
30 seconds later i am smitten... and curtis has been with us for 1 month and two weeks... and i love him to pieces!!!!
the moral of my sotry is ... curtis needed a home and i needed him. and he knew it. and now together we make a family once again, dont sell yourself short. it takes time someday when you least expect it you may find yourself yearning for that special fur baby and that specail furbaby will come to you when you least expect it.
now dont get me wrong.. curtis will never replace tee in my heart and soul.. but he sure does brighten my day and makes me smile and laugh again...and that i am forever thankful for...
my best to you..
michelles kitty,
Thank you for writing. I'm sorry to hear about TeeBone. It's been over 4 months for me with my dog and I can't say I feel even one iota better. I hear that everyone's different, so I'm hoping one day things will change for me for the better. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy (not that I should be wishing anyone harm anyway!).
Congratulations to you and your husband on Curtis (my hubby would never be the one looking for a dog). I hope you have many happy years with Curtis.
Sincerely,
hope2heal
Thank you for writing. I'm sorry to hear about TeeBone. It's been over 4 months for me with my dog and I can't say I feel even one iota better. I hear that everyone's different, so I'm hoping one day things will change for me for the better. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy (not that I should be wishing anyone harm anyway!).
Congratulations to you and your husband on Curtis (my hubby would never be the one looking for a dog). I hope you have many happy years with Curtis.
Sincerely,
hope2heal
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It pains me that I let Purdy Special down; I just know I did. I certainly don't want to believe it, and people have told me No, i didn't let her down, and No, I don't know that I did.
I don't know how I'm going to get past this.
I don't know how I'm going to get past this.
I know I did a lot of good things for my dog, but I honestly believe I slacked off at the end, and I don't believe I could do such a thing.
hope2heal, what you said above caught my eye as I too feel I let my boy, Magion, down immensely. I write to him everyday in a book just for him, and I say to him often how much I feel I let him down. And like you it is something I never thought I could do, something that was totally foreign to how I know myself, what I wanted for him and for us together. He was and is my world and I am told I need to let up on beating myself up. No, I also don't know that he felt that I had let him down.
I started a new job in mid 2005 after his chemo and a few months after his kidney disease was diagnosed. I never wanted to work full time again, wanting to be home with him, as life is short and to be appreciated. I wasn't finding part time work and this job was full time. I hated being away from him for hours on end to go to work - and had changed things in recent times, but not enough - I did work from home two days a week and went into the office for less time, but still there was a period of time when I worked full time and had to be away from home for 10 hours or so each day. I did arrange for a friend to come visit him twice a week and I rarely went out on weekends, but, now I am still guilt ridden. And I had developed an anxiety disorder being away from him so much, suffering from separation anxiety each time I left him and I am now feeling bad over that.
I also feel like I slacked off, Mage was going along okay, he had kidney problems but this was diagnosed in early 2005. He had been losing weight though gradually over the last 12 months (an angst I now have with his doctor for not doing more for him even though I chose to be really cautious). I knew, that he wasn't well, and yet I didn't put into place the part time work I wanted and I was getting tired as Mage would wake me for food a number of times during the night. I also didn't get the nice house I wanted for us, a big regret - and yet those two things don't go together, nicer house meant mortgage, mortgage means needing to work more. In many ways it was a catch 22. But this year after taking 7 weeks off over Summer (Jan-Feb) I made a decision that I would make some changes and I had told Mage I would chase this scholarship money I had been offered to undertake my PhD and stay home for four months and study. This would give us time together and I would be doing something I enjoyed. The money took a while to come through and Magion became unwell. I had said to his doctor just the night before his legs went wobbly, that 'you wouldn't think there was anything wrong with him, just that he's losing weight.' To which his doctor replied, 'there is something wrong though.' Blood was taken that night and Mage hated it for after his chemo and everything back during 2004 beginning 2005 he had had enough of blood being taken. The next day his doctor rang and said his numbers were high and that he was trying really hard. (I didn't want to know the actual figures.) I didn't go to work then. But we didn't get the same times back, he didn't want to go outside like he used to, he was having fluid (with another doctor) and was not himself at times. We did get our relationship back but I felt like I starved him rather than keeping forcing more food into his mouth. I didn't know what I was doing half the time and I really do feel like I let him down through my actions with him and in not achieving the nice house I wanted for us both. Now I feel like I am stuck in a place that I never really liked, but a place that when we were together nothing else mattered.
I feel like I should have gone to find other food for him like I did when he was on chemo - if he didn't eat anything then, I would go to the supermarket and get something else. I wasn't doing that. I suppose most of the time he ate what I'd offered over night - waking me to eat. But all the same, I know that feeling of 'how,' and 'why.' That sense of who on earth did I become. When we know better and yet something really weird happens in ones head that just doesn't make sense to us as we know ourselves.
I know at times I do have to be wary because when I experienced Magion at home so clearly a while ago one night when I got home when I was so upset that I wasn't a person that he could be proud of, that I had let him down so badly by becoming this person that I didn't even recognise, I felt him and as my mind went back over all the guilt and things that I had done that I shouldn't have and the things I hadn't done that I should have it was like he kept drawing me back to the present. Like he wanted me to be in the moment and that what had gone by didn't matter. And that was very much him.
But I know the feeling of slacking off when I knew better. Of not being forever vigilant. For not being more aware. And mostly for not taking advantage of all those moments to the fullest. I remember sitting outside with him, my mind just wandering off on things as he perused his territory thinking, 'am I appreciating you enough?' For sometimes I didn't feel as connected as I wanted to - but when I thought that then I gave him a cuddle or a kiss and brought myself back.
One of the hardest things for me now is coming to terms with being human. My therapist wants me to work more on fallibility and accept that we as humans do make mistakes. I said to him, yes it's just that fur and feathered persons are the perfect ones, they are the ones more in tune with nature and their needs than us. But there were times when Mage and I had words. There were times when he would huff and not like what I'd done. But I don't recall him making mistakes as such. He certainly took everything in his stride, even as his jumpability was lessening. He just accepted that. What he didn't accept as readily was his back legs going wobbly as he tried to walk and I think he saw me as someone who kept getting in his face at the time. But I tried to help him with this, and if he didn't make it to the litter it didn't matter. Eventually he relaxed again and took it in his stride.
My boy was a great teacher as no doubt was yours. There are lessens they teach us right up to and beyond the moment that they leave. My boy is still trying to teach me. And I believed, as I write this, the same of my father - he lived to 10 days shy of his 90th birthday and he taught me up to and beyond his death.
It really is amazing.
Take care.
Even though they continue to teach us, us mere humans, what it is to love and to trust, it doesn't ease our human condition. It is a bitterpill to acknowledge that we are flawed and we make mistakes with the very persons we love the most, even to the point of not recognising ourselves in our actions. That just makes it all the harder.
Wendi.
Magesmumma,
Thank you so much for writing and sharing so much of your personal experience. I am so sorry to hear about Magion. I was touched by your story.
I can see how much you truly did for him--even having a friend come to keep him company when you could not be there! Not many people would do that.
I have at times thought of myself as a "perfectionist," though on closer examination I see and know I am far from it. I just never would think of myself as failing to be "perfect" with my dog, one of God's innocent living creatures, and I'm finding that incredibly difficult to accept. I feel I made a BIG mistake, and there's nothing I can do to fix it, and I have to find a way to live with it.
Like you I've been keeping a journal, though only personally addressed to Patsy at times, but haven't been writing in it lately. Someone suggested I even write a letter to Patsy, apologizing and telling her exactly how I feel, and then burning it; letting everything "go up in smoke." At this point I'm willing to try almost anything. All I want is my dog back--I know it sounds immature... Material objects just don't mean anything to me anymore...
I may drop you a line privately sometime if that's okay. Thanks again for writing.
Take care,
hope2heal
Thank you so much for writing and sharing so much of your personal experience. I am so sorry to hear about Magion. I was touched by your story.
I can see how much you truly did for him--even having a friend come to keep him company when you could not be there! Not many people would do that.
I have at times thought of myself as a "perfectionist," though on closer examination I see and know I am far from it. I just never would think of myself as failing to be "perfect" with my dog, one of God's innocent living creatures, and I'm finding that incredibly difficult to accept. I feel I made a BIG mistake, and there's nothing I can do to fix it, and I have to find a way to live with it.
Like you I've been keeping a journal, though only personally addressed to Patsy at times, but haven't been writing in it lately. Someone suggested I even write a letter to Patsy, apologizing and telling her exactly how I feel, and then burning it; letting everything "go up in smoke." At this point I'm willing to try almost anything. All I want is my dog back--I know it sounds immature... Material objects just don't mean anything to me anymore...
I may drop you a line privately sometime if that's okay. Thanks again for writing.
Take care,
hope2heal
I think one of the prime things we must acknowledge after a loss is that we were often under extreme amounts of personal stress because of our love for our furchildren, and that plays into how we were ~ how we thought, how we reacted to those stressors, and even how we felt, which may have not been quite like our usual selves. This is particularly important to understand if we were our loved one's main care provider, among the other relationship roles we had with them. Such pressure by itself can change how we approach all manner of things and unlike our counterparts who care-give for human loved ones who are ailing, we don't (yet) have the same support systems widely available to us, like online support groups strictly for care-givers, people systems for relief of our duties, governmental or medical agencies to help us out, etc., etc., etc.
So is it any wonder so many of us feel so inadequate, guilty, or less than 'perfect' after trying to handle everything all or mainly on our own, and we come out totally scathed, beaten down and falling into pits of despair after our loss? (as if our loss,by itself, isn't enough) We need so much to forgive ourselves for however we feel we may have failed in our obligations. There is little to no support, either, for anticipatory loss, if that was applicable, too, to our situation....but it's yet another stressor some of us may have had to deal with, virtually alone.......when NOTHING about loss is supposed to be dealt with w/o support.
There's absolutely nothing "immature" about simply and only wanting your baby back. It's natural and normal to feel this way. Who doesn't, when they've lost the most important and largest love of their life? Be however you need to be, and do whatever you think might bring you the most measure of relief or comfort, even if it doesn't last for long just yet.....because don't forget, grief is the biggest roller-coaster of emotional upheaval you will ever go through, so states of being can change all the time. And that, too, is natural.
And while it can be very unsettling (because it's not 'normal' to one's usual state), if material things don't matter anymore.....so what? Then they just don't. They didn't for me, and even now they're still not that important anymore. I consider that a good thing, though, as they are not what ever WAS most important. What was, and still is, is the love.
So is it any wonder so many of us feel so inadequate, guilty, or less than 'perfect' after trying to handle everything all or mainly on our own, and we come out totally scathed, beaten down and falling into pits of despair after our loss? (as if our loss,by itself, isn't enough) We need so much to forgive ourselves for however we feel we may have failed in our obligations. There is little to no support, either, for anticipatory loss, if that was applicable, too, to our situation....but it's yet another stressor some of us may have had to deal with, virtually alone.......when NOTHING about loss is supposed to be dealt with w/o support.
There's absolutely nothing "immature" about simply and only wanting your baby back. It's natural and normal to feel this way. Who doesn't, when they've lost the most important and largest love of their life? Be however you need to be, and do whatever you think might bring you the most measure of relief or comfort, even if it doesn't last for long just yet.....because don't forget, grief is the biggest roller-coaster of emotional upheaval you will ever go through, so states of being can change all the time. And that, too, is natural.
And while it can be very unsettling (because it's not 'normal' to one's usual state), if material things don't matter anymore.....so what? Then they just don't. They didn't for me, and even now they're still not that important anymore. I consider that a good thing, though, as they are not what ever WAS most important. What was, and still is, is the love.
I think one of the prime things we must acknowledge after a loss is that we were often under extreme amounts of personal stress because of our love for our furchildren, and that plays into how we were ~ how we thought, how we reacted to those stressors, and even how we felt, which may have not been quite like our usual selves. This is particularly important to understand if we were our loved one's main care provider, among the other relationship roles we had with them.
Dear Furkidlets' Mom,
Thank you for writing. I look back at some e-mails I was posting to other people in my life at that time of my dog's symptoms, and at my calendar, and saw that there were a number of stressful things going on. I was always the main caregiver for my pets--in fact I can remember when I was going to adopt my guinea pig, and later my dog, "DH" said I could go ahead and get them if I wanted, but that he was not going to be taking care of them. I remember telling my mom on a visit to her about my dog seeming to be drinking and peeing less and she didn't react. I remember telling "DH" that Patsy was seeming to not want to go out to potty at night; he said nothing either. For a while I was attributing that to a fear of foxes coming into our yard and "marking" closer to the house; but when I think of it now it so clearly didn't add up because normally my dog would want to pursue these foxes. I still blame myself because I witnessed the symptoms, even had a sinking feeling and bad thoughts about it, but somehow still couldn't bring it out at the vets... I've wondered if my hesitation into disclosing vet bills, among other stuff, to "DH" somehow crossed over into a bizarre subconscious feeling of intimidation with my male vet--as if I shouldn't question authority? I'm psycho&%^yzing, I know. And I apologize to all the men reading this. I still blame myself for this. The choice was up to me.
And while it can be very unsettling (because it's not 'normal' to one's usual state), if material things don't matter anymore.....so what? Then they just don't. They didn't for me, and even now they're still not that important anymore. I consider that a good thing, though, as they are not what ever WAS most important. What was, and still is, is the love.
[/quote]
Furkidlets' mom, I do agree. and thanks again for taking the time to write. It's so tough for me right now. I didn't enjoy the season change. Didn't enjoy the fall colors; tried to. Today we had our first snowflakes. All I keep thinking of is my dog and had I not dropped the ball, she would probably be with me in our cozy house. I can't even "feel cozy" and truly enjoy anything right now because she is missing from my life, and I feel so responsible. Does anyone else share this feeling?
hope2heal
Dear Furkidlets' Mom,
Thank you for writing. I look back at some e-mails I was posting to other people in my life at that time of my dog's symptoms, and at my calendar, and saw that there were a number of stressful things going on. I was always the main caregiver for my pets--in fact I can remember when I was going to adopt my guinea pig, and later my dog, "DH" said I could go ahead and get them if I wanted, but that he was not going to be taking care of them. I remember telling my mom on a visit to her about my dog seeming to be drinking and peeing less and she didn't react. I remember telling "DH" that Patsy was seeming to not want to go out to potty at night; he said nothing either. For a while I was attributing that to a fear of foxes coming into our yard and "marking" closer to the house; but when I think of it now it so clearly didn't add up because normally my dog would want to pursue these foxes. I still blame myself because I witnessed the symptoms, even had a sinking feeling and bad thoughts about it, but somehow still couldn't bring it out at the vets... I've wondered if my hesitation into disclosing vet bills, among other stuff, to "DH" somehow crossed over into a bizarre subconscious feeling of intimidation with my male vet--as if I shouldn't question authority? I'm psycho&%^yzing, I know. And I apologize to all the men reading this. I still blame myself for this. The choice was up to me.
And while it can be very unsettling (because it's not 'normal' to one's usual state), if material things don't matter anymore.....so what? Then they just don't. They didn't for me, and even now they're still not that important anymore. I consider that a good thing, though, as they are not what ever WAS most important. What was, and still is, is the love.
[/quote]
Furkidlets' mom, I do agree. and thanks again for taking the time to write. It's so tough for me right now. I didn't enjoy the season change. Didn't enjoy the fall colors; tried to. Today we had our first snowflakes. All I keep thinking of is my dog and had I not dropped the ball, she would probably be with me in our cozy house. I can't even "feel cozy" and truly enjoy anything right now because she is missing from my life, and I feel so responsible. Does anyone else share this feeling?
hope2heal
Even though I didn't feel as guilty at the time (as you do) for my girl's death (but there's invariably SOME with almost everybody here, me included), I certainly did for my boy's. However, in both cases and actually much more so since my girl's passing, I actually can't enjoy ANY seasons now....not the way I used to, and despite it being 2 years now.
Fall is just a sad reminder of when my boy started showing symptoms of something being wrong....which our vet didn't take seriously enough until things had progressed. I never like winter much to begin with and my boy left in a Feb., so it's just that much worse a season for me now.
And Nissa left in the summer, which I was glad of for her sake because it was her favourite season (she needed the warmth for her kidneys), and mine, but now.....summer hurts, too. And spring isn't much better, as that's when she began her decline with her high blood pressure. So while I still prefer it being warm (or hot), it just holds little joy for me otherwise. I have to garden alone, prepare the outdoors alone, w/o her there with me, snoozing in her many spots or goading me into play or poking around finding "good sniffs". I don't have to put her numerous summer items out for her each morning, nor do countless other things on her behalf. So for me, all the seasons bring me pain now, even though I'm capable of having decent days. The pain is always in the background, colouring and dampening everything with melancholy and longing for the 'old days'. Life, as a whole, just isn't the same and likely never will be.
Fall is just a sad reminder of when my boy started showing symptoms of something being wrong....which our vet didn't take seriously enough until things had progressed. I never like winter much to begin with and my boy left in a Feb., so it's just that much worse a season for me now.
And Nissa left in the summer, which I was glad of for her sake because it was her favourite season (she needed the warmth for her kidneys), and mine, but now.....summer hurts, too. And spring isn't much better, as that's when she began her decline with her high blood pressure. So while I still prefer it being warm (or hot), it just holds little joy for me otherwise. I have to garden alone, prepare the outdoors alone, w/o her there with me, snoozing in her many spots or goading me into play or poking around finding "good sniffs". I don't have to put her numerous summer items out for her each morning, nor do countless other things on her behalf. So for me, all the seasons bring me pain now, even though I'm capable of having decent days. The pain is always in the background, colouring and dampening everything with melancholy and longing for the 'old days'. Life, as a whole, just isn't the same and likely never will be.
Dear Hope2heal I am so sorry to hear of your lose .And in answer to your question about having another fur baby.I to have said that after loosing 2 this year I really dont think i can handle the pain of loosing any more .We still have 4 of our babies left but the pain of Freddie and Mummys passing is just to much to bear at times.Freddie died in a horrible accident (he got into the car with out me knowing and cooked to death ) This really has done my head in and now the hot weather is back in OZ I find myself checking the car over and over again thinking that there might be a baby in there when in fact I have just counted them and there all ok I can not seem to be able to put the windows up in the car even at the local shops I dont even lock the car or put the windows up this all sounds very crazy but im not .I know that it was an accident and people say to get over it I hate this saying because I will never get over it but learning to accept it ! The accident and guilt will always be with me .Trying to live with it is far better than to try to get over it .Anyways please dont think you are the only one with these feelings everyone deals with them differently .Our house to is so different without the babies but nothing else will ever fill the void except all the wonderful years of love the gave us .Nothing can take away our treasured memories ever!!!!!!!!!!
Warren missing Freddie and Mummy forever and ever *********************************
Warren missing Freddie and Mummy forever and ever *********************************
Oh freddie,
I am so so sorry to hear about your dear Freddie and Mummy. I just read some of your posts. I have heard of this sort of thing happening before with both animals and children, getting locked in the car unknowingly. I can only imagine how devastating that must be to you and your family. BTW, I hate it when people say "get over it" too...
God be with you and your family. I don't know how much help I would be but please feel free to write anytime. Thank you for being so kind to write me. I am so very sorry for your losses.
Sincerely,
hope
I am so so sorry to hear about your dear Freddie and Mummy. I just read some of your posts. I have heard of this sort of thing happening before with both animals and children, getting locked in the car unknowingly. I can only imagine how devastating that must be to you and your family. BTW, I hate it when people say "get over it" too...
God be with you and your family. I don't know how much help I would be but please feel free to write anytime. Thank you for being so kind to write me. I am so very sorry for your losses.
Sincerely,
hope
Thanks Hope as you know there are really some wonderful people on this site! I don't know what I would of done without this wonderful site and all the support from it
Warmest regards Warren ******x
Warmest regards Warren ******x
I just wanted to say that I know how you feel. I just lost my Casey on Nov 13th to lung cancer. I had him for 12 years and miss him terribly. When I got home I told my husband I don't know if I will get any more pets after all of mine have passed away. I do think that is a personal decision and there isn't a right or wrong answer. Maybe someday you will be ready for another furry friend and I will too.
I volunteer for an animal shelter and have lost a few foster animals (just this summer a wonderful cat to FIP), I alway say never will I foster again, and before you know it, I am going to the shelter for another foster. I know that even though it hurts to lose a pet there are many waiting for loving forever homes.
You are in my thoughts.
I volunteer for an animal shelter and have lost a few foster animals (just this summer a wonderful cat to FIP), I alway say never will I foster again, and before you know it, I am going to the shelter for another foster. I know that even though it hurts to lose a pet there are many waiting for loving forever homes.
You are in my thoughts.
Hi hope2heal,
All I want to say is that I understand what you mean about attempting to be perfect about everything. If I wasn't always waiting for the ideal moment, if I had looked at my situation logically and had just tried to deal with what was at hand instead of I thinking I had control over everything (that nothing could go wrong...), I would probably not even be here. I won't share my story because you already know it. I just wanted to say I'm here to listen as well as the others.
Sincerely,
Daisysmom13
All I want to say is that I understand what you mean about attempting to be perfect about everything. If I wasn't always waiting for the ideal moment, if I had looked at my situation logically and had just tried to deal with what was at hand instead of I thinking I had control over everything (that nothing could go wrong...), I would probably not even be here. I won't share my story because you already know it. I just wanted to say I'm here to listen as well as the others.
Sincerely,
Daisysmom13
Dear daisysmom13,
Thank you for writing and for offering your ear. The same goes to you--okay? I hope things are improving for you.
Take care,
hope2heal
Thank you for writing and for offering your ear. The same goes to you--okay? I hope things are improving for you.
Take care,
hope2heal
karen,
Thank you for writing. I'm so very sorry to hear about your dear Casey.
God bless you for your work at the shelter. It takes a special kind of person to be able to handle heartbreaks; that can't be easy. I used to do some volunteer work for a Humane Society years ago--but not directly working with the animals. I adopted 2 terrific dogs from there...
Thinking of you in your time of loss.
Sincerely,
Hope
Thank you for writing. I'm so very sorry to hear about your dear Casey.
God bless you for your work at the shelter. It takes a special kind of person to be able to handle heartbreaks; that can't be easy. I used to do some volunteer work for a Humane Society years ago--but not directly working with the animals. I adopted 2 terrific dogs from there...
Thinking of you in your time of loss.
Sincerely,
Hope
Hope,
I won't say I know exactly how you feel...you are the only person that is you, and I will never be truly in your shoes. However, I think all of us on LS can understand and empathize with each other. There is no doubt every one of us could sort through the what ifs and hows, and whys, but what I have found to help is that perhaps everything in this universe has it's own way of working out no matter what us humans say or do. We all go through grief and mourning in very different and personal ways. There is no doubt that it may take some a month to start to move on and others may never actually move past their pet's death. I believe I may be the latter, however, I also see the beauty in what my dog, Penny, brought to my life, and what she has taught me through her life and her passing...which has been so much that I can't put it into words. For me, as difficult as this process has been...I personally feel the pain I'm experiencing now doesn't trump the 4, albeit short, years I had with Penny.
We all move through it in our own time and our own way. What I have found to help is to stop questioning myself. Whatever thought or feeling I'm having at a certain time has it's purpose. Sometimes I think that by fighting with ourselves, we can impede on our grieving and make it worse, so I decided to just let myself feel and think how I'm going to feel and think rather than ask myself why I'm feeling it. If that makes sense.
In time you may or may not choose to add another pet to your life. But in the end, all that matters is that you gave your whole heart in love and had that returned. Nothing or no other will ever fill that void, but I believe that even if I choose to add another dog to my family, it will not be in place of Penny, but rather will happen when I'm ready for a new chapter. Another thought that comforts me is how my Penny would always sense when I was sad, and would lick my tears and be so loving and comforting. She wanted us to be happy, live in the moment, and embrace life as she did. I figure I should take some lessons from her and relax, accept, and try my best to move forward, because that is what she illustrated for me through her life. It's been hard for me, but rather than fight her passing, and the feelings I have...I'm sort of trying to embrace it in way -- to not fear the inevitable and the process that is life. I knew someday my dogs would pass, I just didn't think it would happen so soon, and due to my actions -- but in the end we are human, fallible, but we always have loved, protected, and cherished our pets. I have to thank God that he even let me borrow Penny for a while to give me all she has. What are the odds that we would have something so precious and wonderful enter our lives. That's what I'm trying to focus on. I have my days where it doesn't go so well, but I believe Penny is there coaching me through it.
Perhaps this is of help, and perhaps not. But I hope you at least feel supported in this journey. We are all here with you -- all of us stand side-by-side. I journal to Penny, started a scrapbook, and sometimes even talk to her out loud. I must say it does help. Also, while everyone told me to put her things away, I kept everything out and even posted pictures all over the house. For me, that helps...I don't mind seeing a picture and crying, or smiling, or both. I guess I just let myself do what I feel is best for me. As far as another pet, I wouldn't dwell on it. Just move minute-by-minute...eventually it will be hour-by-hour and then day-by-day. If you want another in the future, you can decide then. For now, just do what you need to do to get through it.
My thoughts are with you
~Shannon
I won't say I know exactly how you feel...you are the only person that is you, and I will never be truly in your shoes. However, I think all of us on LS can understand and empathize with each other. There is no doubt every one of us could sort through the what ifs and hows, and whys, but what I have found to help is that perhaps everything in this universe has it's own way of working out no matter what us humans say or do. We all go through grief and mourning in very different and personal ways. There is no doubt that it may take some a month to start to move on and others may never actually move past their pet's death. I believe I may be the latter, however, I also see the beauty in what my dog, Penny, brought to my life, and what she has taught me through her life and her passing...which has been so much that I can't put it into words. For me, as difficult as this process has been...I personally feel the pain I'm experiencing now doesn't trump the 4, albeit short, years I had with Penny.
We all move through it in our own time and our own way. What I have found to help is to stop questioning myself. Whatever thought or feeling I'm having at a certain time has it's purpose. Sometimes I think that by fighting with ourselves, we can impede on our grieving and make it worse, so I decided to just let myself feel and think how I'm going to feel and think rather than ask myself why I'm feeling it. If that makes sense.
In time you may or may not choose to add another pet to your life. But in the end, all that matters is that you gave your whole heart in love and had that returned. Nothing or no other will ever fill that void, but I believe that even if I choose to add another dog to my family, it will not be in place of Penny, but rather will happen when I'm ready for a new chapter. Another thought that comforts me is how my Penny would always sense when I was sad, and would lick my tears and be so loving and comforting. She wanted us to be happy, live in the moment, and embrace life as she did. I figure I should take some lessons from her and relax, accept, and try my best to move forward, because that is what she illustrated for me through her life. It's been hard for me, but rather than fight her passing, and the feelings I have...I'm sort of trying to embrace it in way -- to not fear the inevitable and the process that is life. I knew someday my dogs would pass, I just didn't think it would happen so soon, and due to my actions -- but in the end we are human, fallible, but we always have loved, protected, and cherished our pets. I have to thank God that he even let me borrow Penny for a while to give me all she has. What are the odds that we would have something so precious and wonderful enter our lives. That's what I'm trying to focus on. I have my days where it doesn't go so well, but I believe Penny is there coaching me through it.
Perhaps this is of help, and perhaps not. But I hope you at least feel supported in this journey. We are all here with you -- all of us stand side-by-side. I journal to Penny, started a scrapbook, and sometimes even talk to her out loud. I must say it does help. Also, while everyone told me to put her things away, I kept everything out and even posted pictures all over the house. For me, that helps...I don't mind seeing a picture and crying, or smiling, or both. I guess I just let myself do what I feel is best for me. As far as another pet, I wouldn't dwell on it. Just move minute-by-minute...eventually it will be hour-by-hour and then day-by-day. If you want another in the future, you can decide then. For now, just do what you need to do to get through it.
My thoughts are with you
~Shannon
QUOTE
I may drop you a line privately sometime if that's okay.
hope2heal,
Please do drop me aline sometime.
Wendi.
Furkidlets' mom--
I'm so very sorry that somehow I missed your post on Nov 18th; I just read it.
I'm sorry to hear that the seasons haven't been the same for you, either.
For lack of a better way to express this, I wouldn't wish this (these feelings) on my worst enemy! If only everyone's losses ended up just being a bad dream..
Thinking of you,
hope
I'm so very sorry that somehow I missed your post on Nov 18th; I just read it.
I'm sorry to hear that the seasons haven't been the same for you, either.
For lack of a better way to express this, I wouldn't wish this (these feelings) on my worst enemy! If only everyone's losses ended up just being a bad dream..
Thinking of you,
hope
[quote name='shannon2183' date='Nov 20 2008, 10:18 AM' post='46376']
perhaps everything in this universe has it's own way of working out no matter what us humans say or do.
There is no doubt that it may take some a month to start to move on and others may never actually move past their pet's death.
What I have found to help is to stop questioning myself. Whatever thought or feeling I'm having at a certain time has it's purpose. Sometimes I think that by fighting with ourselves, we can impede on our grieving and make it worse, so I decided to just let myself feel and think how I'm going to feel and think rather than ask myself why I'm feeling it. If that makes sense.
I have to thank God that he even let me borrow Penny for a while to give me all she has. What are the odds that we would have something so precious and wonderful enter our lives. That's what I'm trying to focus on. I have my days where it doesn't go so well, but I believe Penny is there coaching me through it.
Perhaps this is of help, and perhaps not. But I hope you at least feel supported in this journey. We are all here with you -- all of us stand side-by-side. I journal to Penny, started a scrapbook, and sometimes even talk to her out loud. I must say it does help. Also, while everyone told me to put her things away, I kept everything out and even posted pictures all over the house. For me, that helps...I don't mind seeing a picture and crying, or smiling, or both. I guess I just let myself do what I feel is best for me. As far as another pet, I wouldn't dwell on it. Just move minute-by-minute...eventually it will be hour-by-hour and then day-by-day. If you want another in the future, you can decide then. For now, just do what you need to do to get through it.
My thoughts are with you
~Shannon
[/quote]
Dear Shannon,
Thank you for writing, for your suggestions and your kind words. I think you have a great attitude. I agree with so many of the things in your post. If only I could start putting more into practice, though. I look at Patsy as being a loan from God also.
I have had to put some of her things away. For a long time I didn't but I've started to do more lately. I think it's great that you can keep all those mementos out like that. If I didn't have such feelings of guilt, I'm sure I would be doing the same thing. I'm looking to find some individual pet loss counseling now.
Again, thank you for taking the time to write. God bless you.
Sincerely,
hope2heal
perhaps everything in this universe has it's own way of working out no matter what us humans say or do.
There is no doubt that it may take some a month to start to move on and others may never actually move past their pet's death.
What I have found to help is to stop questioning myself. Whatever thought or feeling I'm having at a certain time has it's purpose. Sometimes I think that by fighting with ourselves, we can impede on our grieving and make it worse, so I decided to just let myself feel and think how I'm going to feel and think rather than ask myself why I'm feeling it. If that makes sense.
I have to thank God that he even let me borrow Penny for a while to give me all she has. What are the odds that we would have something so precious and wonderful enter our lives. That's what I'm trying to focus on. I have my days where it doesn't go so well, but I believe Penny is there coaching me through it.
Perhaps this is of help, and perhaps not. But I hope you at least feel supported in this journey. We are all here with you -- all of us stand side-by-side. I journal to Penny, started a scrapbook, and sometimes even talk to her out loud. I must say it does help. Also, while everyone told me to put her things away, I kept everything out and even posted pictures all over the house. For me, that helps...I don't mind seeing a picture and crying, or smiling, or both. I guess I just let myself do what I feel is best for me. As far as another pet, I wouldn't dwell on it. Just move minute-by-minute...eventually it will be hour-by-hour and then day-by-day. If you want another in the future, you can decide then. For now, just do what you need to do to get through it.
My thoughts are with you
~Shannon
[/quote]
Dear Shannon,
Thank you for writing, for your suggestions and your kind words. I think you have a great attitude. I agree with so many of the things in your post. If only I could start putting more into practice, though. I look at Patsy as being a loan from God also.
I have had to put some of her things away. For a long time I didn't but I've started to do more lately. I think it's great that you can keep all those mementos out like that. If I didn't have such feelings of guilt, I'm sure I would be doing the same thing. I'm looking to find some individual pet loss counseling now.
Again, thank you for taking the time to write. God bless you.
Sincerely,
hope2heal
Ahhh...yes...head vs. heart. We may know what we want to feel, but actually living it is another thing. I believe individual pet grief counseling is a wonderful thing. I myself am a mental health therapist, and when Penny passed, I looked for a group, but there were none. I may try to start one myself. Either way...I think it could really help just to get the hurt out and at least start sorting through your pain. I can tell you loved Patsy with your whole heart -- and now part of your heart feels ripped out.
Just know we're thinking about you, and are with you through this...as is Patsy. She loves you:)
~Shannon
Just know we're thinking about you, and are with you through this...as is Patsy. She loves you:)
~Shannon
I know what your feeling.....I put my springer spaniel "Brittany" down 3 days ago.......I now see a springe spaniel on a comercial for Frontline Flea & tick meds. It looks exactly like my Brittany......And I just break out crying.......People say that you will get another one.......I don't know.....maybe.....
It's the first time in 24 yrs. that I've been alone......Every day walking into that apt. is such a chore...I use any excuse not to go home after work......Not to see her face when I open the door.....it starts me crying all over......Then I just go thru the motions of every day things.....Don't want to see anyone, or talk to anyone......Just want to crawl into bed & wait for the next day to come......At work, can't concentrate......Just look at her picture & cry.......
Let me know how things are going........
This site has helped
Felicia
It's the first time in 24 yrs. that I've been alone......Every day walking into that apt. is such a chore...I use any excuse not to go home after work......Not to see her face when I open the door.....it starts me crying all over......Then I just go thru the motions of every day things.....Don't want to see anyone, or talk to anyone......Just want to crawl into bed & wait for the next day to come......At work, can't concentrate......Just look at her picture & cry.......
Let me know how things are going........
This site has helped
Felicia
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