Kodiak had to be put to sleep today - her other leg started knuckling. 3 weeks ago she was fine and now she is gone.

My 19 yr old son was with her during the "return home". She fought until the end - which makes me sicker, she tried to fight the anesthesia overdose...she was such a fighter, a strong girl, so loving.

I couldn't watch - but I had the most weird experience happen. I swear I could feel the first injection (I wasn't watching) and my heart began palpitating, a few seconds later I just knew it was over. We were outside the vets office - she was on the grassy lawn - and I had this desire to run, run as far as I could. I started walkinging then running toward the entrance to the vet hospital and collapsed on the asphalt and heard someone scream - I didn't realize the scream came from me.

I know the vet or techs have never seen any reaction from a human like this - I warned them ahead of time I didn't know if I would react or be peaceful...the vet said most are peaceful, I wasn't and they probably think I am crazy to love an "animal" so much, that I could have such a reaction.

I sit here now in shock - my son is stunned, my husband is "playing" normal and trying to stay busy, but I know my husband will be hit hard soon as our darling girl followed him everywhere and he loved her so much.

What now? I have 2 more aged dogs - how can I ever do this again? I mean I collapsed.

Has anyone heard of anyone collapsing?

With sadness and sorrow -
Dana
Kodiak' Mom

Dearest Kodiak's Mom, I am so very sorry for your loss and how devastated you're feeling. All that you felt, then ran and actually collapsed as you screamed. Your reaction is most understandable indeed. I myself did not collapse but freaked out in a major way about 12 years ago while in the Vet exam room with my Cocoa kitty waiting for Dr. Gabor to prepare the injection. No, I did not cry or scream.
I felt the kind of terror and panic one might experience when someone has a gun to their head and is about to pull the trigger. I kid you not. And what a very dear, loving, caring Vet, too.

I tried my best to fake calmness, petting Cocoa, wiping the stuff out of his eyes with a damp cloth as I waited for the Vet to come back and give that injection. Then, when it was done ... I suddenly felt great peace. I asked if I could please pick him up and hold him after he had crossed over and I did do that. My late husband had made a beautiful wooden coffin in advance for Cocoa kitty's funeral and that was lovely.

So yes, I truly empathize with that "the plane is going down and about to crash" panic terror feeling that I believe you're describing.

I am so very, very sorry for you loss, Dear One! Please know you're in my thoughts and prayers as I wing many loving Angels to you for comfort, strength and peace.

God Bless You and Big Comforting Hugs!!!

Always,
Dottie xoxoxox

Hello Dana.

I am so sorry to hear of your girl having to leave and for your incredible loss, for you, your husband and your son.

Shock is a very real reaction to any traumatic event. And that is what's happening. When my boy went, naturally, without intervention, I held him close for ages after, till my arm started to feel strange. I went to the nurse (at animal emergency) and said I didn't feel right. Magion had been having oxygen before he went and the nurse had to give me oxygen. I was taking Zanax every now and then for anxiety anyway and I hadn't taken it with me that morning. I asked the vet earlier as Magion lay there on my chest did she have any Zanax available - to know in my heart that my boy was not going to make it was agonising and inducing panic yet I had to remain calm for him.
After they gave me oxygen I was still a quivering mess, they gave me coridal to drink to get my sugar up and I was on the floor all the time, needing a blanket to keep warm and the nurse helping me from one room to the next to get me to talk to a grief counsellor on the phone. I couldn't talk to anyone at the time, am now, lots, but at the time I had gone into shock and needed something to calm me down. My boy was gone, my boy, my boy. The world stopped.

I haven't read the rest of your story - but the cir%%stances of your girl going would induce all manner of irreconcilable feelings and I am not surprised that you screamed and collapsed under extreme anxiety and shock. And I mean the medical condition 'shock.'

I know alot of people on this site have gone through the action you needed to take. The agony would be incredible and I am not at all surprised by what you experienced, your bond was so close.

I hope and believe you will find comfort from others on this site as you probably have already. But I hope your family, whole family is able to be there for each other during this.

Personally, I am seeing a grief counsellor, a therapist (who wants me on anit depressants) and a support group. And I held a life celebration for my boy conducted by a celebrant and invited certain people to attend. If any of this helps.

I feel for you.

Wendi.

Dottie,
You are most kind and have given me great comfort and describe the feeling well.

I've never felt anything like that in my life....I wonder what the days ahead hold. I am trying to sit here tonight knowing she is out pain and running free with ease in heaven - I know and believe that with all my heart, yet my pain (as you know) is huge.

I am thankful they did it outside, with my reaction - inside that scream would have echoed still, I felt like it could be heard for miles. I am willing to bet they could hear the scream inside the office - it was awful - I didn't even "feel" it - it just rose up out me straight from my soul that I do know.

As my husband helped me up, I heard a woman in a car ask the tech, "Is she ok, what happened?" This iritates me, what does she think happened?

Thank you for prayers, I need them so, all 3 of us do.

With love,
Dana

Wendi,
Thank you for sharing your story about your boy. It is so comforting to meet people that love their animals so much, as much as I do and can relate to the trauma of losing our family member. I honestly have known many people in my life that have died and never reacted like today.

It is because they live w/us and are our constant companions for years. To me it was like raising a 12 year old child and saying good-bye (for this lifetime anyway) it is shocking, overwhelming, nauseating and I could feel my heart being ripped out of me as I knew the injections were being given.

It has always amazed me that we can fall in love with our pets so much, they never speak a (human) word their entire lives to us and we can love them as much if not more than other humans.

Thankfully my entire family are pet lovers to the extreme, I have spoken w/several today and all have cried w/me.

Kodiak's birthday would have been 2 months from today - Jan 9th, I was thinking how I will have to do something special that day in rememberance.

I do know this Wendi, we will see them again...I have no doubt. I have read some peoples near death experiences lately where they said their pets were the first to greet them in heaven. I am sure this book has been mentioned here before, but years ago when I lost 3 cats right in 3 year period, I read a book called "Cold noses at the Pearly gates", that helped some, of course nothing ever helps but time, time and more time - my last cat died 6 years ago and I cry it about it still from time to time.

Thank you for your support and story, it has helped so much. You will be in my prayers as I too grieve, we certianly aren't alone are we...so happy to have found this forum.

((((hugs)))))
Dana

I am so sorry for your loss. I'm sorry you felt such devestation that you collapsed. We all react in different ways, shock, anger, sadness, numbness. You know yourself best and you must have felt for your baby's sake it would be best to stay outside. Arthur was my first euthanization. I always felt if/when the time came I have to be there. It was awful. I cried uncontrolably, I scared him, he even looked away from me,, was he disappointed that I broke my promise when I told him I would never let anything happen to him or could he not bear to see me sad, or both. I remembered I promise him no more pain. I had a very bad sore throat that day and the minute he was gone so was my sore throat. Did he take away my pain too?? (it did come back by the way). The pain is gone for Kodiak now, now we have to deal with the emptiness. In time we adjust and you'll remember Kodiak and smile at all the joy she brought you all those years. It's very very hard. The love for an animal is something we just can't compare to anything else. I do feel your pain.. Hugs to you and your family..Ann

Dana

A lot of people don't know what to expect during euthanasia. I had heard various stories - two of pets that didn't immediately die (because the drugs weren't effective), another that struggled. Even without euthanasia my cat Missy went into convulsions and I didn't know it meant she was passing so I left her at that very moment of passing to look up her symptoms (and felt very guilty at the time). When my cat Ziggy passed in her crate by my bed from being shot, then poor veterinary treatment, I just felt absolutely numb, and still do.

When my 17 yr old dog Merlin was suffering badly I found out that he could be given anaesthetic before the euthanasia drug. I was fortunate in finding out about this because I was able to actually hear him sleep peacefully before he passed. He had been unable to sleep peacefully on his own. Then they administered the euthanasia drug. After they said he was gone, he lifted his head (a reflex I guess) and "looked" back towards me. I think it was his way of acknowledging me that one last time. He would follow me to the edge of the earth, such a faithful and devoted dog.

Everyone reacts differently but if I had seen Merlin fighting I could easily have screamed like you. These are our best friends in the world - we love them to the core of our souls.

I will tell you though that Merlin is with me constantly in my dreams. He was my partner, child, friend and best bud for 17 years. In my dreams it is like he never left me. He showed up last night in fact. He and Chance (who is still alive) were running next to me as I walked, then rode a bicycle. I have no doubt that our connection of love is just as strong now. Some deaths are easier to accept than others. Not because we love one more than the other. It is often the cir%%stance of the death and the peace we make with it that determines our reaction. No reaction is "wrong".

Wishing you much healing and love in this transition.

Jan.

Dana,

I feel the same when you say



It is this living together and that they don't speak the same language I am coming to understand makes it harder - for with a human person they can tell us how they feel, whether they need us there or feeling okay, or they can call us on the phone. It is so much harder to have to be there for someone we communicate with on another level - especially when they aren't well.

They are our children and yet our best friend, our companion, Mage was my confidante and at times my mentor - he taught me so much, listened so much, endured so much of my crap over our years together.

And I entirely agree when you say



I was drawn to Magion the day I met him at the RSPCA - I took him down from the shelf he was sitting on looking out the window and he looked at me holding him in my arms and he purred. He was the one - even though I wanted a girl! At one point I remember looking at him and being very aware that I really loved him, deeply - something I had never experienced before, not even for a human person. I didn't know I had the capacity to love like that. Then when he got sick over 4 years ago with Lymphosarcoma and had to have surgery to remove the lump, as I sat with him in recovery I actually fell in love with him all over again - this deep, deep sense of love and connection. We grew so close over the years, it was like we reflected ourselves in the other.

I'm glad you are crying together - I miss my Dad now, because I know he would have cried with me, he loved Mage too. I do believe there is comfort in shared sorrow. And yes, we are fortunate to be involved in this forum.

Take care.

My thoughts are with you all - yourself, your husband and your son and your two other babies.
It is such a disgusting, unbelievable time for you all.

Indeed something special will come to mind for her birthday.

Wendi.

Dear Dana, You're very welcome. I've read messages to you from Wendi, Ann and Jan. My God, so much pain and anguish from each and I feel so terribly awful for every one of you. I sure do. So much devastation being expressed and shared. It does help to share.

I forgot to mention that when I was waiting in the Vet exam room with Cocoa kitty while the Vet prepared the injection and experiencing that terror panic, I also did keep pacing frantically between my kitty on the exam table to the sink. I remember putting my hand to my chest and fearing that I was either going to have a heart attack or stroke. So, that was my "got to run" thing I felt and did as you described in your first post.

Regarding my current loss which began 10/16/2007, I did scream loud, long and frequently. Oh, I knew I was screaming in horror but had no idea how it sounded. Not human. More like a wounded/tortured canine or primate. Also crying hysterically and very, very loud. One of my neighbors feared I was being attacked either by a human or wild animal inside my house so did have the authorities make sure I was okay. Bless her heart!

Then came the "physical shock" which is different from "emotional shock" ... Or perhaps I was feeling both? Anyway, I was functional, speaking as calmly as possible and received treatment for shock from my Internist physician.

After that and beginning Nov. 26 2007 came one of two nervous breakdowns. Well, I suppose that's what they were as I've never had a nervous breakdown before. Each lasted somewhere around 3 weeks or there abouts. I'm a very laid back, rational, logical, nice lady so that just ain't me. Experiencing what I would describe as "delusions" and what may or may not be "acute psychotic episodes" during that time. Holy cow! Weird, weird stuff and embarrassing as all get out to be telling you. During those two times, all I did was take care of Buddy dog, Styx kitty, lie on the sofa, go to the bathroom and ... I had a tiny bit to eat and drink on occasion. I spoke to no one. I would not answer the phone, the door, no one.

See? Some of us "normal" people react in some pretty bizarre ways due to their losses. I felt so grateful when I found those articles in my first response to you. Not only did I find out I wasn't alone, but I had thought I was losing my mind and going insane. Nope. I wasn't. There are those who behaved in even more bizarre ways than myself and there are actual case histories in those articles of what happened, how those people reacted and many times how they coped and came to heal.

Me thinks I reacted in this was due to the manner in which my loss occurred as well as him being the very best friend I've ever had in my life including all humans or animals. He had many human attributes regarding cognizance, reasoning abilities, communication stills, personality, behavior, emotions and so on as that of a 4 to 5 year old "normal" human child. That's according to experts.

With me living alone, being able to hold simple conversations with him, playing games he loved, singing, he loved doing lots of things ... Well, you get the picture. So, he was more than my best friend. He was my child, had never been sick one day in his life except for a broken leg when he was a baby for which he got the best treatment and healed remarkable well.

Please know this. Having shared all that I just did with you, this does not in any way, shape nor form make my loss any more gosh awful terribly devastating than anyone's loss here. It matters not the species of animal, how young or old they were, how healthy or ill they were, what manner in which they left this earthy plane ... All losses are just as devastating to their mommies and daddies no matter what the situation. That's a fact, Jack. Even if it's a cherished finch, goldfish, pet mouse, hamster or snake. Depending upon our relationship to our babies, we all experience gut wrenching, heart ripping out pain, grief, sorrow, loneliness, sometimes horror and/or terror.

Dana, I can all too well understand and empathize with your initial terror reaction as well as the grief and devastation you're feeling right now. Please know this though. It does take time. For many it takes lots and lots of time. However, it does slowly get better. Oh, there very well may be times when you believe you're doing just fine when it all floods back to you and you have a huge cry fest. But, as time passes, those even get less and less intense. Hopefully, they do. If they do not, then one must seek professional help in order to find ways to cope or life will be unbearable.

I know wherever Alex is that he can see and hear me. He would be so upset to see me this sad as when he was alive, he always did his very best to comfort me when I was sad or very ill. A whole lot of our fur kids do this for us. Our kitties and doggies know when we're sad or ill and make special efforts to comfort us. We see that all the time. Still, I do know that Alex does see and hear me where he is now. I know he would be able to rest far more peacefully and have lots and lots of fun with his new pals once he is convinced that he mama is going to be fine. I'm working on that. I sure am. But, we are only human and the heart feels and expresses what it in our hearts and soul.

Time. We need that time. Please give yourself time and try not to beat yourself up for allowing yourself that time to grieve and heal. Then one day, someday down the road ... You will have and share with others all those wonderful, funny, cute and remarkable times with your fur baby which may only serve as hurtful reminders to you right now. Coping and healing is so very, very difficult. But, it can be done and has been done. We can do it, too. I just know that we can.

I hope and pray all I've shared will be of some help and comfort you at least in some small ways. You remain in my thoughts and prayer as I wing many more Angels to you for comfort, guidance and peace. God bless you, Dear One!

Big Comforting Hugs!!!

Always,
Dottie xoxoxox

I am so sorry about Kodiak. Even when we do the "right" thing by making such a decision..it truly never feels "right" to us.

It is the most horrible heartbreaking decision to do. What you described is exactly why I have never been present in the room where it happens. But I never leave the exam room area until I am told it is final.

That is because I become so completely hysterical when I give the decision....I do not want such a special friend to feel my emotions and get upset themselves. I want to give them peace and if they see me not peaceful..I am always afraid they will fight everything. I don't want them to do that because of me.

I did find out a few years ago from a vet that came to our home to give my Little Guy's twin brother, Keeper, his peace...that she suggested an anesthetic shot first so we could hold him
and hug him and he was just sleeping and gave us a few more minutes to change our minds.
Then she said he would be waking up soon and did we change our minds. Of course, the answer was it had to be done (within a week we found his chest had a large mass diagnosed as lymphoma and he was breathing harder and harder each day and could not eat).

She took him gently into a spare bedroom and did what she had to do. She wrapped him gently and took him with her.

So....in the future as you say how can you face it again...think of the 2 shots and use the lst one to hug and hug your baby and you can cry cause he is sleeping...and it is okay to leave as there are caring, gentle people that are there while things are done.

Remember the saying I like to quote that helps me when the pain hits (and it still does). One Mom here wrote: The pain of losing her will never ever be greater than the joy of knowing her.

Concentrate and remember the joy...it will help you. Come here and write your thoughts and feelings again..that will also help.

I completely understand how you felt that day........Some people are able to be with their babies at that time....I am not one of those as I get hysterical thinking about it. We all do what we are capable of. Whether we are by their side or nearby....neither way is wrong..because in the end again..it is what is best for them...and I believe my getting upset in front of mine is not best for them and certainly not for me. We don't ask to make this decision. It is something we are destined to do..most of the time. But as that saying above says.....as awful as that time is when it comes...I would never trade all my good days and even my worry days and not have had them in my life.....just to avoid that pain. It is because we love them and they love us so very much that causes that pain of separation...physically. Our spirits form a bond that is never broken and because they are inside and a part of our hearts... they will truly be with us forever.
That's one place they can never be taken away from us.

Your baby is an Angel now...whole and healthy and running from cloud to cloud, wagging her tail and.............watching and protecting you forever....just as she has always done.

Take care.....it is over and hard to forget, I know...but please try to forget the truly heartbreaking parts of what happened and remember she is at peace and that she will still always be a big part of your life forever.

Hugs,
Judy

Dear Dana, my apologies. I gave those links to someone else and not you. Please, let me give them to you now. I do believe you'll find both very helpful to you. Both are here at LS in the Pet Loss Support Resources and Articles but I'll put links here for you to click taking you directly there. Here they are ...

Your Fur Child Loss Devastation - Emotions and Behavior Caused By Pet Loss

REGARDING: VIRTUAL "LIGHT A CANDLE"

Please do take a look. Truly, I feel you won't regret it and would greatly benefit. God Bless!

More Comforting Hugs!!!

Always,
Dottie xoxoxox

Dana,
We all act differently. No one's way is right. Know we are all here for you. My Sissycat's passing was an accident so I didn't have to go through what you did. I just don't know how I would have reacted. That is a scary thought.

Many Hugs to You and your family!!!!!!!!!

Thank you for all your wonderful support you have all given me...I must tell a story here you may not believe.

Dottie thanks for the great links in my other post.

I have cried all day - so much I feel "nothing" - emotionless.

I think right now I feel for my 2 remaining dogs that loved Kodiak so much - they saw how lame her back legs were, they saw our struggle to keep her alive, although in vain. They were very hyper during the 2 weeks we hoped,prayed and broke our backs carry around a 100lb dog. I wonder if they knew it was the end.

Please see my new post - I can actually tell this story tonight - it may help some of you I hope.

Peace and prayers,
Dana

I can associate, as everyone here can I'm sure, with the numbness Dana - that not recognising any emotion at all.

How are your other dogs coping?

Thinking of you all.

Wendi.