I have been overcome with grief and guilt. Timba was about 6 weeks old when I took him to the Humane Society to be fixed this Monday (November 3rd). He was such a sweet, loving and trusting kitty. He was also an outside kitty. I wanted to bring him into the house to live, but we have six indoor cats and our house is very small. I spent extra time and effort in ensuring he and his mom, Cleo, had warm bedding, plenty of food, fresh water and toys. My husband and I even found him in the engine compartment of my son's car one day, so we always made it a point to call him out or to make sure we saw him before leaving for work each morning. I worried about him being outdoors, but Cleo always kept a close eye on him and so did we.

When I went to the clinic to drop him off for surgery the technician asked me if I wanted him tested for FeLV/FIV. I was thinking that I did want the test because I wanted him to be able to go in and out of the house. She then asked if I wanted him to be euthanized if he tested positive. I hesitated. I really didn't want him to be put down. Then I asked her questions about the possibility that a kitten would be positive. I thought his mom had been tested when I brought her in the previous week. No one said anything about FeLV/HIV. I just assumed. I had a cat die of FeLV a long time ago and it was horrible. I really didn't want Timba to suffer. But he looked so healthy. The worst part is that I signed the paper to have him put to sleep. I don't know why. I just didn't think it through. When I went to pick him up at the end of the day they told me they had put him down because he tested positive for FeLV. They never called me, before or after. I have been crying ever since. I did more research afterwards and found that kittens can falsely test positive if the mom has antibodies that are passed between mother and kitten. Also, some kittens are able to resist the virus and can test negative later. I felt even worse after that. I could have had him retested later, but now it is too late.

This is like some horrible movie that plays over and over in my head. The whys and what ifs can drive you crazy. I just wish I had realized the facts and risks of FeLV more clearly, especially for kittens. I also let him come in to play briefly with my indoor cats, so there is a possibility that they have been exposed. That is also a heavy burden, but one that I am approaching with my vet.

I think being able to share on this forum helps me to express how I feel. My husband encourages me to let it go because it is pointless to fret over my decision now. But that is not so easy for me. I pray to God each day for comfort and place my hopes that Timba is in heaven with all of my other cherished furry friends, waiting for the day we can be reunited.

I hope every cat owner will take the time to consider the risks presented by FeLV and that one test is not always definitive. Being an informed owner is so important. As simple as it may seem, never sign a consent form unless you have all the facts. Always consider that, no matter how healthy your pet seems, you are prepared for the worst case senario and that you are making the right decision.

Never assume anything. I assumed that Cleo (mom) was tested only to find out later she was not. I assumed that they would call me first if the test was positive and they didn't.

Never introduce a new cat to others without knowing if they have tested + or - for FeLV/HIV. There may be some risk to indoor cats because the vaccines are not always 100% effective. I would also recommend not having an outdoor cat come in and out of the household to potentially expose indoor cats. Free roaming cats may be at risk to contract FeLV from other outdoor cats even after they have been tested and found to be negative, and even if they have been vaccinated.

I am not an expert. However, if you do decide to test, please find out your options. Do your own research, but do it first. Always make an informed decision. FeLV cats can live long lives too and owners can make accomodations, even if you have other cats. Know that most feral and free roaming programs do not test for FeLV/FIV. They believe the best prevention is spay/neuter programs because there is a low percentage of FeLV/FIV in most feral colonies and by spay or neuter you keep the population and risks down.

I feel wretched. I miss you so much Timba. I am so sorry. I wish I could take it back and do things differently.

Missing you terribly,

Timba's Mom

It sounds like it was such a shock for you to find out your kitty had been put down. I am so sorry for your loss.

I understand this situation well. A few weeks ago, I had taken in a stray after weeks of getting him to trust me. I took him down to get tested for FeLV/HIV and to my horror found out that he had both. I had mentally decided that I may have to choose to put him down if he had a serious illness, but I really was in some denial or just had such positive hope that I really didn't think I'd have to make the sad decision. I felt so sad to have that I couldn't do more him, but since he had BOTH conditions, I knew that was bad. This kitty looked ill, so it was likely that he did have the conditions.

I think your post is very thoughtful and gives good information. Please keep coming back.

Thank you Beth. I think the worst part was that my kitten looked perfectly healthy. You are right, it was a complete shock. I am so sorry for your loss too. Your little guy must have been very sick. As hard as it is to accept, in those cases I am sure that none of us would want to have an animal suffer needlessly. I know that this doesn't make the pain for your loss any easier and even if we think we are prepared, we aren't.

How can we know them so briefly and yet feel so strongly? As I pray to God for guidance and comfort, I sense that He wants me to know He has given us a special bond with animals to help us learn about unconditional love, compassion and to help us deal with times of sorrow, loss and eventually renewal. I think that this is why it is difficult for me to accept my choice, because I may have chosen wrongly. I know you must feel bad like me because when you earn their trust so completely it is a horrible decision to have to make. To put an animal to sleep feels like you have betrayed that trust, even when it is for the best. That's the hardest part to deal with.

I am so glad I found this website. Thank you so much for sharing your story, your loss and for your kind words. It really means alot to me.

This is the part that is hardest to get over (I agree). In your case, you'll have to remember that you were doing your best. You gave such good care to your kitties. That is really what matters.

That decision is always, always the hardest part of life with these special ones. And when it is a tiny kitten..it seems so much more unfair.

It might help you to think about what you have saved that baby from in the future. What would he have undergone having the disease? You really made sure he never suffered. I know that's not a lot of consolation but it still is meaningful and maybe is something to remember to help your feelings about having made the decision.

Hugs and peace
Judy

I just cry and cry, my heart hurts. I can't bear to think that I made the wrong decision. Or the right one, at the wrong time. But you are right, Judy. He will not suffer now. Thank you both for your words of encouragement.

Allanna

Dearest Allanna, please forgive me for being so late coming by. I felt terribly upset about what something you said in your first post and feared that I might not express myself in the loving, compassionate and comforting manner I so wish to offer you. No, it's nothing you did. You certainly did do the right thing, Hon. Just like LovesThem said. Your love spared that precious fur child from a world of hurt that didn't get the chance to happen. Bless you for making such a gosh awful difficult decision based on what is best for Timba instead of wanting to hold on because you would miss him. That took a whole lot of courage. God love you, Dear One!

Just look at all the careful and loving consideration checking to make sure Timba was not in the engine or anywhere in harms way as well as all the many wonderful goodies you bestow upon your other cherished fur babies. You are a treasure and a terrific fur kid Mommy! Yes, Allanna. You did the right thing. So very heartbreaking but the best for Timba most certainly.

Please know that you and Timba are in my thoughts and prayers and I wing many loving Angels to you for comfort, strength and peace!

Tons of Comforting Hugs!!!

Always,
Dottie xoxoxox

Dottie,

Thank you so much for your words of comfort. I am so happy I found this site. The support that you and all of the wonderful members here have shown me have brought me comfort. Thank you for your prayers and your compassion for my situation. You are indeed an angel in my time of need.

Allanna

I am so sorry for your loss. I totally agree with Judy, you did what you felt would be best. You did not want to see your little baby suffer. I've heard of so many who had to put their babies down from that, not 1 have I heard of that survived it. Possible maybe, but you just don't know and also you were looking out for the others, you have to remember that too. Timba is safe, and happy now. You learned alot from her, and thank you for passing such good advise to others. I know your heart is breaking and I feel for you. It's so very hard. There is post in pet loss support aritcles, I believe, about making the decision. What holds strong with me when I read it, was the part that states we need to relive that moment and feel how we felt then and what made us decide. I totally hate going back to that day, but it helps me get thru my guilt. I hope you find it and it will help you too. Many hugs.. Ann

Thank you so much Ann. I think that every day it gets a little easier, although the tears still come easily. If it wasn't for this site and all the wonderful support I think I would be a basket case by now. Thanks for recommending the article. I will search it out.

Take care,
Allanna