I never would have guessed that I could be this sad. I adopted my little kitty a little over a month ago from the local shelter. She was the tiniest kitten in the cage, and when I picked her up, she wouldn't take her eyes off mine. She just stared and purred and we 'bumped heads' (cat people know what I mean). I picked her up three days later after a screening process.
She rode home with me and explored her new home. She turned out to be the perfect companion. All she ever wanted was to cuddle. She could care less whether I was reading, typing, sleeping, anything so long as she could sit on my lap and snuggle and get rubbed. Whenever I held her and petted her (all the time) she would purr and 'make biscuits.' Any time I wasn't holding her, she followed along, crying to be picked up and cuddled some more. The only things that could distract her were a dish of milk or her scratch post.
One week after she came home with me, she had her free vet appointment provided by the shelter. The vet noticed that she was a bit on the skinny side and had a fever, but no worry, some antibiotics should clear that up.
Last week we went back to the vet after the antibiotics to see about vaccinations. Still running a fever and skinny. The vet was concerned and did some further testing, and my little kitty was diagnosed with FIP. Her little belly wasn't plump with food, but with fluid from a deadly virus. I couldn't believe it. No treatment, no cure. At best I could expect her to live a couple of weeks, but he recommended euthanasia.
I took my little kitten home in shock and disbelief. We had only been together a month! It's not fair! I spent the whole next day cuddling and petting her, just like she loved. That entire day, she never left my lap for anything. She didn't use the litter box, and when I tried to get her to eat, she barely touched her food.
Calling the vet to schedule her euthanasia was the hardest thing I've ever done, and I'm a former US Marine. I felt like an executioner. Before we left for the vet, I ran to the store and bought film and took a whole roll of pictures of my little kitty.
When we got to the vet, I was a wreck. This was all happening too fast. When the vet came in, it was all I could so to keep myself from grabbing my kitty and running away. Before I knew it, it was all over, and she was gone. I took her home and buried her in the back yard. I hated seeing her curled up in a hole. I told her over and over how sorry I am.
She's been gone four days now and I still get upset and cry when I think about my little kitty. I write about her because I hope it helps to share my pain and loss. I really, really miss her.
Full Version: Heartbroken In Helena
Jason, I am so sorry for your loss - it just doesn't seem fair that you only had such a short time to share with your little furbaby. But even though it was the most difficult thing you've ever had to do, you spared her pain and suffereing - even though it meant you taking on the pain of loosing her. What you had to do so that she wouldn't have to suffer was the ultimate sacrifice and you did it out of love.....she knew and knows even now how much you love her.
I know you hurt so much right now and I want you to know that all of us here understand and wish you peace....
Karen
I know you hurt so much right now and I want you to know that all of us here understand and wish you peace....
Karen
Hi Jason,
I am so sorry you had to find us here at the grief board.. but I am happy you wrote. You face a journey now of living without your friend..it's a process and we are all in various stages..You are right in the beginning and my heart goes out to you!
Yes, I know what "making bisquits" is--That is one of the things that "enchants" us...head butts too.. those things are hard to resist!
Once my vet remarked to me that if someone states: "I don't like cats" they probably never owned one! --It's the truth! You know the ancient egyptains had cats all over their art because cats were considered as important as people. Cats were entombed right alongside the Pharohs! So lets not think for a moment that there is much unusual about your deep ceaseless love and affection for your cat. The strong emotions you have for your kitty are emotions that have been shared by countless people for thousands of years.
I know at first blush most would agree with you--that your experience of losing your miss kitty was "unfair"..but there is definately something else to consider. What would have been even more unfair would have been if she had died in that shelter all alone in a cage. And that is precisely what would have happened without you, soldier. Miss kitty had one month on earth with someone who loved and appreciated her. Someone who was able to put his own desires aside in favor of what was best for this beloved new friend. I think when miss kitty needed someone capable of 100% love and kindness you were picked for the job. Miss kitty picked you when her eyes wouldn't leave you and having been "chosen" by an animal myself I can attest that it is a high honor.
You did do the absolutely perfect thing Jason. It is customary to re-visit a decision like yours over and over again..we humans tend to do that not taking the alternative into consideration. I knew a man who allowed his beloved cat to die "naturally". He confided later that this was because he was too squeamish to take the animal to the vet for the inevitable. He couldn't face it "emotionally"..but the natural death was far worse! Although we would like to think so, dying is seldom a peaceful thing, seldom ever happening as a "slipping away in the sleep" type of thing. Mostly it is an arduous struggle, generally a lengthy painful one that takes hours and hours to complete. By the time my friend was able to steel himself enough to take his pet to the vet it was in the wee hours when the vet was not open and all he could do was sit and watch this lengthy ordeal. That is the reality of any other decision besides the one you made. And if you are having thoughts along the lines of "well, I could have had her a few more days" etcetera..remember that our pets do not have any capacity to understand dates or time. That is a human thing, not an animal thing. Your kitty never had one thought about tomorrow or yesterday..next week, the next hour. Animals have no thoughts about being "deprived" of time. You may have bought yourself a day or so with miss kitty by gathering her up and taking her home again--but one poster here actually did do that and then proceeded to watch his pet be uncomfortable for a few extra days! In contrast you allowed kitty to go to the rainbow bridge without pain. You put kitty first and you second! Now kitty is playing with my Ginger and all our pets...playing and cavorting, 100% whole and perfect just waiting for the day way off in the future when you will be reunited with her. In the meanwhile she is in perfect and total bliss!
Since you took photos perhaps when you feel up to it you will post some photos of kitty and possibly write up a memorial tribute for the tribute board. Nothing helps healing more than that type of thing-- it just helps to get your feelings outside of yourself and placed amongst people who have walked a mile in your shoes. It doesn't matter to us that your relationship was "only" a month long--all of us here know that timeframes are incidental when it comes to love. Your pain is just as valid as anyones, and because of the extreme shock of losing such a young young pet it ranks way up at the top of the pain chart and we know that. Here you were primed for years and years of companionship and instead did not even get a few months with kitty.
If you are the type of person who believes things happen for a reason consider why kitty was put into your life...maybe just maybe it was twofold. First so that she could have human companionship for her brief time and also so that you could learn that yours is a heart with much room in it. Possibly down the road with enough room in it to share with another animal when the time is right..You handled this majorly difficult situation with nothing but love and respect for one of God's littlest and most vulnerable creatures. and should you ever doubt that, think where she would have been in the end without you.
I wish I could give you a real life hug--{{{{{{{{{{{{Jason}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Write anytime ---we're here.
Thinking of you
Love,
Patti
I am so sorry you had to find us here at the grief board.. but I am happy you wrote. You face a journey now of living without your friend..it's a process and we are all in various stages..You are right in the beginning and my heart goes out to you!
Yes, I know what "making bisquits" is--That is one of the things that "enchants" us...head butts too.. those things are hard to resist!
Once my vet remarked to me that if someone states: "I don't like cats" they probably never owned one! --It's the truth! You know the ancient egyptains had cats all over their art because cats were considered as important as people. Cats were entombed right alongside the Pharohs! So lets not think for a moment that there is much unusual about your deep ceaseless love and affection for your cat. The strong emotions you have for your kitty are emotions that have been shared by countless people for thousands of years.
I know at first blush most would agree with you--that your experience of losing your miss kitty was "unfair"..but there is definately something else to consider. What would have been even more unfair would have been if she had died in that shelter all alone in a cage. And that is precisely what would have happened without you, soldier. Miss kitty had one month on earth with someone who loved and appreciated her. Someone who was able to put his own desires aside in favor of what was best for this beloved new friend. I think when miss kitty needed someone capable of 100% love and kindness you were picked for the job. Miss kitty picked you when her eyes wouldn't leave you and having been "chosen" by an animal myself I can attest that it is a high honor.
You did do the absolutely perfect thing Jason. It is customary to re-visit a decision like yours over and over again..we humans tend to do that not taking the alternative into consideration. I knew a man who allowed his beloved cat to die "naturally". He confided later that this was because he was too squeamish to take the animal to the vet for the inevitable. He couldn't face it "emotionally"..but the natural death was far worse! Although we would like to think so, dying is seldom a peaceful thing, seldom ever happening as a "slipping away in the sleep" type of thing. Mostly it is an arduous struggle, generally a lengthy painful one that takes hours and hours to complete. By the time my friend was able to steel himself enough to take his pet to the vet it was in the wee hours when the vet was not open and all he could do was sit and watch this lengthy ordeal. That is the reality of any other decision besides the one you made. And if you are having thoughts along the lines of "well, I could have had her a few more days" etcetera..remember that our pets do not have any capacity to understand dates or time. That is a human thing, not an animal thing. Your kitty never had one thought about tomorrow or yesterday..next week, the next hour. Animals have no thoughts about being "deprived" of time. You may have bought yourself a day or so with miss kitty by gathering her up and taking her home again--but one poster here actually did do that and then proceeded to watch his pet be uncomfortable for a few extra days! In contrast you allowed kitty to go to the rainbow bridge without pain. You put kitty first and you second! Now kitty is playing with my Ginger and all our pets...playing and cavorting, 100% whole and perfect just waiting for the day way off in the future when you will be reunited with her. In the meanwhile she is in perfect and total bliss!
Since you took photos perhaps when you feel up to it you will post some photos of kitty and possibly write up a memorial tribute for the tribute board. Nothing helps healing more than that type of thing-- it just helps to get your feelings outside of yourself and placed amongst people who have walked a mile in your shoes. It doesn't matter to us that your relationship was "only" a month long--all of us here know that timeframes are incidental when it comes to love. Your pain is just as valid as anyones, and because of the extreme shock of losing such a young young pet it ranks way up at the top of the pain chart and we know that. Here you were primed for years and years of companionship and instead did not even get a few months with kitty.
If you are the type of person who believes things happen for a reason consider why kitty was put into your life...maybe just maybe it was twofold. First so that she could have human companionship for her brief time and also so that you could learn that yours is a heart with much room in it. Possibly down the road with enough room in it to share with another animal when the time is right..You handled this majorly difficult situation with nothing but love and respect for one of God's littlest and most vulnerable creatures. and should you ever doubt that, think where she would have been in the end without you.
I wish I could give you a real life hug--{{{{{{{{{{{{Jason}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Write anytime ---we're here.
Thinking of you
Love,
Patti
Jason,
I'm so very sorry to hear about your little kitty. Patti's response to you was so well said, I don't know what to add. It does seem so unfair that you only had that baby for only a month, but I know Patti is right. I believe you were put into each other's lives for a reason. That is just SO wonderful that you gave the little kitty so much love and such a good home. She might never have been loved at all had it not been for you! How very sad to lose such a young little tiny baby though. I am so sorry.
Marcia
Baby Hannah's Mom and Babe's Mom
I'm so very sorry to hear about your little kitty. Patti's response to you was so well said, I don't know what to add. It does seem so unfair that you only had that baby for only a month, but I know Patti is right. I believe you were put into each other's lives for a reason. That is just SO wonderful that you gave the little kitty so much love and such a good home. She might never have been loved at all had it not been for you! How very sad to lose such a young little tiny baby though. I am so sorry.
Marcia
Baby Hannah's Mom and Babe's Mom
I can't add anything to what Patti wrote, but please accept my condolences. She was very blessed to have had so much love and comfort during her time with you, albeit brief. She did not die alone at the shelter, and that is such a good thing - she lived her lifetime with you, warm and cuddled. I am so sorry for your loss.
dee dee
dee dee
Jason,
I am very sorry about your loss. Everyone here has really explained and said everything I would say to you. This is a hard road right now for you. But you were put into Kitty's life to give her the love that she needed at that time. You bonded with this beautiful heart and furbaby. It was your love that gave Kitty a peaceful way to leave you and wait for you at the rainbow bridge. Kitty also gave something to you. She gave you the wonderful memories of her and that a shelter pet can be a wonderful companion and friend. She was a special little package just for you. I hope your pain eases in time. I am still grieving but it gets better. Kitty is still with you just look for the signs from her. Please don't look back on your decision because you saved her from pain. Try to remember all the good things and talk because for some it does help.
Thinking of you and your furbaby,
ChrissyW
I am very sorry about your loss. Everyone here has really explained and said everything I would say to you. This is a hard road right now for you. But you were put into Kitty's life to give her the love that she needed at that time. You bonded with this beautiful heart and furbaby. It was your love that gave Kitty a peaceful way to leave you and wait for you at the rainbow bridge. Kitty also gave something to you. She gave you the wonderful memories of her and that a shelter pet can be a wonderful companion and friend. She was a special little package just for you. I hope your pain eases in time. I am still grieving but it gets better. Kitty is still with you just look for the signs from her. Please don't look back on your decision because you saved her from pain. Try to remember all the good things and talk because for some it does help.
Thinking of you and your furbaby,
ChrissyW
Jason,
I'm so sorry about what happened!!
In such a short time you and she formed a bond that was like what people describe their "soulmate" connections. It was as though she was sent to you so that she could have the ultimate love before it was her time (for her body) to pass on. You were the chosen one.
She needed you, and you showed up.
I liked what Karen told you: "even though it was the most difficult thing you've ever had to do, you spared her pain and suffereing - even though it meant you taking on the pain of loosing her. What you had to do so that she wouldn't have to suffer was the ultimate sacrifice and you did it out of love.....she knew and knows even now how much you love her. "
It is true!!
Patti's letter was amazingly comforting and caring. She said everything way better than I could have. I hope you re-read it 1000 times!
I will be thinking of you.
Love,
Kathy
I'm so sorry about what happened!!
In such a short time you and she formed a bond that was like what people describe their "soulmate" connections. It was as though she was sent to you so that she could have the ultimate love before it was her time (for her body) to pass on. You were the chosen one.
She needed you, and you showed up.
I liked what Karen told you: "even though it was the most difficult thing you've ever had to do, you spared her pain and suffereing - even though it meant you taking on the pain of loosing her. What you had to do so that she wouldn't have to suffer was the ultimate sacrifice and you did it out of love.....she knew and knows even now how much you love her. "
It is true!!
Patti's letter was amazingly comforting and caring. She said everything way better than I could have. I hope you re-read it 1000 times!
I will be thinking of you.
Love,
Kathy
Dear Jason:
I read your post a few hours ago, but at that time I didn't have more than 5 minutes to answer you, so I
came back now....
After re-reading your 1st paragraph....... I got such a feeling of sweet tenderness and an amazing
amount of love, that you and your sweet little kitty shared with one another INSTANTLY! --
Your quote....
".....and when I picked her up, she wouldn't take her eyes off mine. She just stared and purred as we
'bumped heads'........"
"You and your precious sweet little kitty???" YOU WERE BOTH 'MEANT TO BE' !!!!
I really & truly feel that way --- How about yourself??
I know that your time together was very brief , "just for a little over one month...........BUT, I honestly
believe that YOU & SHE DESPERATELY NEEDED ONE ANOTHER"........
It saddens me a lot that your time with your little kitty was just over a month; but, "they say" there's a
reason for everything....
The one thing I can say is that, for some reason, I really and honestly think that "you two, were MEANT
TO BE"....
My belief is that, "IN THIS LIFETIME, WE WON'T KNOW THE ANSWER, but, one day,
I hope that you will know.
The following quote is one that I share with a lot of people who come onto Lightning Strike, and whose hearts have been broken over losing a sweet furbaby family member ----
(or, a precious family pet - who might be "scaly", or "have fins", or have "wings")........
But, on 2/7/2004, Ben and I had to have Ernestine put to sleep. Luckily, I found this site in the very early
AM hours of 2/8/2004................
***********A very wise & wonderful person said to me************
"Denise, always remember, you took on your sweet Ernestine's pain BY HAVING HER PUT TO SLEEP, SO THAT YOUR PRECIOUS GIRL COULD FINALLY BE WITHOUT PAIN".
At a very painful time, when nothing at all made any sense to me -- That statement did!!
I had prayed to God that He please take my sweet Girl in her sleep.........but, that never happened, so
the only other thing "that was in our power, was to have her put to sleep".
It is absolutely fine and normal that you cry and get upset when you think of your sweet little kitty.
That's why we "human people" have eyes that water. And, we are "equipped" with such strong emotions,
that, if we are trying to deal/cope with something that is bigger than ourselves...
We can , LET IT OUT AND CRY!!
These tears are healing tears... Really, they help you to heal faster -
Having a good cry when you need to, just makes you feel better.
I don't care what people think, when they see me cry.
I'm not the first one that has ever cried, and I certainly won't be the last.
In your last paragraph, you said that you write about her..
Maybe (if you already haven't), you can "start a journal to her"......
Sometimes, writing out what you are feeling, right at that time, I know, HELPS IMMENSELY!!!!!
If you cannot "write out a few pages at that moment because you're at work or something, and you
really want to write out something specific", just jot down a few words that will help you to
remember later on......
Lastly, I just want to say that, If you had to find a "pet grief site", that I'm really happy that you
found our wonderful group, Jason....
(But, of course, I am sorry that you had to find one at all!!!!!)
Feel free to write whatever is on your mind. We have all been exactly where you are!!
Some people on the site have been here for a few years & longer......
Some have just joined today....
Well, Goodnight & God Bless you!!
I hope that you are doing as well as you can right now!!!
Peace & Love,
Denise & Ben
I read your post a few hours ago, but at that time I didn't have more than 5 minutes to answer you, so I
came back now....
After re-reading your 1st paragraph....... I got such a feeling of sweet tenderness and an amazing
amount of love, that you and your sweet little kitty shared with one another INSTANTLY! --
Your quote....
".....and when I picked her up, she wouldn't take her eyes off mine. She just stared and purred as we
'bumped heads'........"
"You and your precious sweet little kitty???" YOU WERE BOTH 'MEANT TO BE' !!!!
I really & truly feel that way --- How about yourself??
I know that your time together was very brief , "just for a little over one month...........BUT, I honestly
believe that YOU & SHE DESPERATELY NEEDED ONE ANOTHER"........
It saddens me a lot that your time with your little kitty was just over a month; but, "they say" there's a
reason for everything....
The one thing I can say is that, for some reason, I really and honestly think that "you two, were MEANT
TO BE"....
My belief is that, "IN THIS LIFETIME, WE WON'T KNOW THE ANSWER, but, one day,
I hope that you will know.
The following quote is one that I share with a lot of people who come onto Lightning Strike, and whose hearts have been broken over losing a sweet furbaby family member ----
(or, a precious family pet - who might be "scaly", or "have fins", or have "wings")........
But, on 2/7/2004, Ben and I had to have Ernestine put to sleep. Luckily, I found this site in the very early
AM hours of 2/8/2004................
***********A very wise & wonderful person said to me************
"Denise, always remember, you took on your sweet Ernestine's pain BY HAVING HER PUT TO SLEEP, SO THAT YOUR PRECIOUS GIRL COULD FINALLY BE WITHOUT PAIN".
At a very painful time, when nothing at all made any sense to me -- That statement did!!
I had prayed to God that He please take my sweet Girl in her sleep.........but, that never happened, so
the only other thing "that was in our power, was to have her put to sleep".
It is absolutely fine and normal that you cry and get upset when you think of your sweet little kitty.
That's why we "human people" have eyes that water. And, we are "equipped" with such strong emotions,
that, if we are trying to deal/cope with something that is bigger than ourselves...
We can , LET IT OUT AND CRY!!
These tears are healing tears... Really, they help you to heal faster -
Having a good cry when you need to, just makes you feel better.
I don't care what people think, when they see me cry.
I'm not the first one that has ever cried, and I certainly won't be the last.
In your last paragraph, you said that you write about her..
Maybe (if you already haven't), you can "start a journal to her"......
Sometimes, writing out what you are feeling, right at that time, I know, HELPS IMMENSELY!!!!!
If you cannot "write out a few pages at that moment because you're at work or something, and you
really want to write out something specific", just jot down a few words that will help you to
remember later on......
Lastly, I just want to say that, If you had to find a "pet grief site", that I'm really happy that you
found our wonderful group, Jason....
(But, of course, I am sorry that you had to find one at all!!!!!)
Feel free to write whatever is on your mind. We have all been exactly where you are!!
Some people on the site have been here for a few years & longer......
Some have just joined today....
Well, Goodnight & God Bless you!!
I hope that you are doing as well as you can right now!!!
Peace & Love,
Denise & Ben
Jason, I am very sorry that you have lost your little one. I know you must be in a great deal of pain - when you begin to bond with someone, losing them can be just as painful as losing a lifetime friend.
What was her name? If you had not given her one yet, do so. Then we can all remember her along with you. And post a picture for us if you can.
The pain will fade with time - but your memories won't. And just think - she got to spend a month with her new Daddy before she went to heaven. Instead of being all alone in a cage, she was surrounded by love and hugs and head butts....
She was a very lucky kitty.
What was her name? If you had not given her one yet, do so. Then we can all remember her along with you. And post a picture for us if you can.
The pain will fade with time - but your memories won't. And just think - she got to spend a month with her new Daddy before she went to heaven. Instead of being all alone in a cage, she was surrounded by love and hugs and head butts....
She was a very lucky kitty.
Jason-I am so sorry for the loss of your furbaby. I know it isn't fair that you had your little kitty for such a short time but you and she had time to develop something very special.......LOVE. She needed that and found it with you. She's at Rainbow Bridge, healthy, happy, and playing with lots of new friends. She'll be waiting for you for however long it takes and then you and she will be reunited. I cried tons and tons of tears when my 17-yr old furkitty died June 25th. It's been a long hard road and it's slowly getting easier. I still have my days when tears flow quite freely and I don't hide them. I have my days of missing my furbaby really bad and wishing he was here to hug and kiss, pet him, and receive head butts. I am glad I came here and I hope you will keep coming back here. Keep writing, it helps!
Wanda
Wanda
Thank you all for taking the time to read this and for all your support, it means a lot to me. I'll work on posting some pictures as soon as I can. As far as names, I've always figured animals already have a name, you just have to figure it out. Sometimes this takes time, and that I didn't have. However, the other day (exactly one week after our last day together, I heard a song on the radio, 'Hey Jude', by the Beatles, as I was driving. I love the Beatles and always sing along, and it made me think about my kitty and cry with "...take a sad song and make it better. Remember to let her into your heart, then you can start to make it better..." Something like that. Anyway, since then I've been thinking of her as Judy.
I still miss her, especially when I come home and she's not there, waiting to cuddle.
Thanks once again.
I still miss her, especially when I come home and she's not there, waiting to cuddle.
Thanks once again.
Hi again Jason--
looking forward to seeing your photos!
That song was written for John Lennon's son by Paul McCartney--because John Lennon was always jetting off somewhere and the son was often sad (McCartney called the boy "Jude"--it was for Julian Lennon) --so you are correct that it is a song to "comfort" someone's loss.
You ARE making your sad song better!
thinking of you!
Patti
looking forward to seeing your photos!
That song was written for John Lennon's son by Paul McCartney--because John Lennon was always jetting off somewhere and the son was often sad (McCartney called the boy "Jude"--it was for Julian Lennon) --so you are correct that it is a song to "comfort" someone's loss.
You ARE making your sad song better!
thinking of you!
Patti
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