If you are reading this, what brings me here is what brought most or all of you here.

On October 11, 2008, exactly one week shy of her 15th birthday, my precious little c. spaniel and light of my life, furkid as I so aptly referred to her, died. Some of the details are below, and it is with great but necessary sorrow that I sit to write this, reflecting on how she died and praying with time I can take comfort in how she lived and smile, not break down into a mess of tears and devastation. I will attempt not to make this overly lengthy, but to express where I am in this grief, how it is consuming me, and to tell you all a few things about the threads and posts I have read here over the past several days.

In 1993, we rescued a peanut of a c.spaniel from a puppy mill and aptly named her Brandy Noel, since it was near Christmas time and her color was reddish blonde. She was such a beautiful, gorgeous dog inside and out. Our Brandy was and always will be a child to us. She went everywhere with us, did pet therapy in nursing homes and a high rise, traveled the country with us (in a car, never on a plane), had her own pet health insurance, and truly made our lives complete. I work from home, and as such she was a part of our lives (my spouse of 15 years and I) for 24/7. Twice she had mast cell cancer and twice we beat it. She had cherry eye and overcame that. She had a patellar luxation and Cornell University's top orthopedic surgeon fixed that. We always kept her in tip-top shape, with the best food, lots of love and care, walks, play sessions, and so much more.

Over the past several months (maybe 6), my spouse noticed that Brandy was sleeping more. She still went for walks, chased a stick in the park *slower but did it*, and had an appetite, always wanted to be near us. I attributed it to her age. I figured if I was 14 years old (dog years), I’d be sleeping more as well. During my work day, Brandy had her special couch in the office, where she sat and slept and had all the love in the world. She was never ever alone, and for nearly the past 15 years, she was a Velcro furkid by my side. She had her internal clock where she knew when breakfast, lunch, and dinner were. She still showed interest in us, but then my spouse noticed she wanted to be in a separate room more often than with us in the same room. I tried not to put too much emphasis on this, as dogs have their new routines and funny ways they come up with, so I just brushed this off. She showed no signs of pain or illness, drank and ate just fine, wanted treats, etc. Plus she saw the vet several times a year. We are very diligent pet owners (furkid owners) and our vet has become a dear friend over the past 10 years he has treated Brandy. So blood work, x-rays, check ups, etc were a routine part of her care several times a year. I am involved in the medical field, and so I have exposure to medical things and would research each and every little thing, often working with the vet in trying to come up with different ideas or treatments for things that would happen to Brandy over the years. For example, when she started experiencing urinary tract infections at about age 5, I found out cranberry can help dogs, too. So one tablet a day from age 5 til the end, and she only had one or two UTIs that surfaced ever. That sort of thing. Just to give you a background so you know the kind of dog owners and lovers we are.

Well, in July of this year, Brandy started having diarrhea. She would have an accident in the house at times. It wasn’t often, but her stool definitely was changing. I attributed it to treats and cut back on the type of treat she was eating, one she had for years. So that sort of leveled off. Then on August 24, in a day that haunts me and shakes me with guilt to my very core, we went out of town to visit friends. Brandy ate the other dog’s food, which consisted of boiled chicken meat and white rice. She had the equivalent of a small bowl, since our friend’s dog is a chihuahua. Things changed forever after that.

The next day, Brandy was lethargic and would not eat. She was not interested in water that day either. We were concerned, but we figured perhaps the chicken and rice upset her tummy. As a pup, the first few years of life, she couldn’t tolerate chicken and would have throw up the next day if she did eat any. But things got worse and never were the same. Without going into explicit detail, the diarrhea started and up to and including the date of her death, it never stopped whenever she had a bowel movement. This clearly wasn’t good for her, and we knew it. Well, all told, 7 vet visits and $7,000 later worth of tests, including blood panels, specialist referrals and visits, phone consults, abdominal ultrasound, x-rays, and then finally a colonoscopy and endoscopy, it was determined Brandy had inflammatory bowel disease, gastritis, colitis, and an ulcer in her colon, which when diagnosed was inflamed and bleeding some. However, the prognosis on this was tentative. Despite all of the specialists efforts and all the care, medicine, dietary changes, and recommendations in the world, nothing was helping. IVs, medications, adding this or removing that from treatment, and even the day before she died, a holistic vet. I joined online IBD message groups, read, talked to people, visited specialists, etc. We tried tried tried. Everything. And yet not even 2 months after her diagnosis, Brandy died.

We even went on vacation to Cape Cod, and took her as we always do, during this time period (mid September) since she seemed stable. She would have diarrhea twice a day but did eat, drink, and was walking, showing signs of being okay otherwise. She wanted food, she wanted to be with us, and I just am so so baffled as to what happened and how so fast. Even specialists have said they never saw a case of IBD where a dog ate one meal and then boom, that was it, things changed. IBD is usually progressive and shows signs. And the scopes and tests only can reveal so many details. I would never allow her to be cut up and see if there is anything inside her and explore her organs at age nearly 15. I felt that to be going too far and there may not be a conclusive diagnosis anyways. All vets agreed said the same thing.

Well, the week she died, she did go for a few walks with us, did want to eat, but the diarrhea increased and as it had several times in two months, became bloodied. Towards the end of that week, she also had 2 huge bouts of vomiting. She kept us up off and on for 36 hours and had diarrhea. We made the bathroom and hallway a makeshift medical ward. We laid cloths down, newspaper, piddle pads, etc. That way she didn’t have to go far, and could just have an accident in the house and we cleaned it right up. She also wouldn’t eat. This whole time, she was on prednisone and was then switched to methylprednisolone, a steroid as well. I was thinking the steroid was too hard on her. Being in medicine, I know how steroids can change a person who takes them. They can be a blessing and a curse. And the vets all said the steroid was needed for inflammation and is the standard of treatment, so I went along. To this day, I have such anger and guilt at myself for allowing that.

The day before she died, we tried a holistic vet. Right away she said get Brandy off the steroid. She said all the meds weren’t helping so the goal was to wean her off the meds, do some natural things (like slippery elm and things people take for GI issues, as this is equivalent to human Crohns disease). Well, we hardly had a chance to get any of this treatment into her and start this new, very refreshing sounding, plan of action before things got worse.

Brandy wouldn’t eat. She was losing weight. She went from 29 pounds on August 23 to 20 on the day before she died. I would weigh her at home. So many of these meds were to be taken with food, and she had no appetite. We were told to slowly use a syringe to feed baby food to her. So I did that a few times and felt horrible doing it. I figured it would only be for a day or two.

Well, on Saturday, October 11, Brandy became even sicker. I took her outside, carrying her very weak body out, and she walked on her own. She went to the yard and had diarrhea and then vomiting so very very much, looked like water and pills from days earlier. She then fell to one side and had what appeared to be a slight seizure. I screamed for my spouse. I picked Brandy’s body up and she was very weak and fell sideways into my arms, like a dish rag. In the house, more bloody diarrhea and she could hardly stand up, she was walking sideways. I don’t know if it was the downward spiral of hell from her health, a stroke, seizure, the disease taking hold, or what, but we sat in our foyer with her, crying over this, agonizing, fearful and yet not wanting this to go on. Whatever was causing this, she was no longer Brandy and we called our vet. He met us at the practice, a 1-1/2 hour ride from us. Brandy was comfortable in the car ride with us the whole way down. She laid in my arms and as we got near the clinic, she looked out the window, looked at me, and looked back at my spouse. Then she wanted to be put in the backseat with a friend of ours who came with us. She slept for the final few minutes to the clinic.

I won’t go into great detail about the final moments except that we were there, it was peaceful, she went from little snores of life, to the ceasing of breathing and the passing of her sick weak body, as her spirit moved on. We had her individually cremated, and her ashes are here in an urn with us.

I am devastated. If you are still reading this, thank you and bless you. I am not a religious person, but I am spiritual. I know in my heart she has moved on, she has no pain, she could not have gone on like that. I know I had her longer than many have their precious furbabies, and that someday we all die. It just means zero to me right now in my heart, and I am so devastated.

I have been reading the posts here and feel compelled to contribute and share. I have learned a lot from reading the advice and comforting words. I purchased some of the books. I even started a grief counselor once a week. But the guilt I have is preventing me from even touching the surface of grieving, if that makes sense. I feel like why did I let her eat that meal, why did I put her on steroids, why did I even put her through the colonoscopy. I know that even if didn’t’ put her on steroids or have tests done, I’d be sitting here second guessing that. But the bottom line is I am wracked with guilt. It consumes me.

I don’t know what made her so sick. Was it the disease? Did she have cancer somewhere in her body and that was the underlying cause? Was it missed? I read so many stories here and you know how your pet died. It doesn’t make it easier at all. I don’t even know why I need to know. But I just don’t understand how life was fine and then it wasn’t in the snap of a finger. I have lost loved ones before, but this like many of you, is a level of pain, hurt, and loss I never ever could have imagined and seriously the worst thing I have ever gone through. There are moments I am okay and then I feel guilty for being okay. I don’t know how to go on without her, yet 2 weeks and a day have passed.

I cannot believe this. I feel in shock, in disbelief, like I am living someone else’s life and this can’t be happening to me. I keep waiting to look over my shoulder and see her. Logically, I know this is what had to be. I would never have let her continue to live for us. She also did not have the quality of life she deserved. In a perfect world. I figured she’d live to be a ripe old 17 or 18 years old, I’d find her peacefully passed in sleep, and I’d be devastated and love her always, but realize that is life and we all must die. But I never saw this coming. I don’t understand how it happened, what I did wrong, how I allowed this (not her death, but the nature of the illness), and what to do about my guilt and then grief.

I know someday I will get another dog, and maybe even next spring or summer. I have done dog rescue, and I am a dog lover and know that a dog needs me as much as I need that dog. But no dog will ever be Brandy. And right now, I need to get at least through these horrid feelings and guilt and loss and figure out what to do to make it through. Thank God I work from home. It is a blessing and a curse right now. Her loss is immeasurable. I am stating all these things because I know so many of you love your babies like this and you can relate.

So that is me, that is where I am in this mess of what has happened, and my heart is broken in thousands of shattered pieces, and I know it’s not what she would want for me. But it is what it is. I am trying. But I am reaching out, wanting to hear from any of you who can take a few minutes to reply. I am going to attempt posting some photos of her below. I miss her physicality so much. She is definitely in heaven, the heaven that is a mere breath away, and she has come to me in a dream, I have seen her there. But the day to day living and not having her with me, the routines we shared, the love and bond of physical closeness, I am just lost beyond anything I have ever experienced. I feel guilty even trying to go through this world without her. I can hardly eat, and I just cannot believe this is happening.

Thanks for listening.

This is my baby, my precious little angel.

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I am so sorry for your loss. She was a beautiful girl. It is hard when you have so many amazing years with a loved one, and then they get so sick. Those last weeks are so difficult when you are not sure what to treat and still have some hope that the illness will not progress so fast.

The sad days after the loss is so heart-wrenching. The depth of your grief can be so deep and painful. This board is a wonderful resource for that. Everyone here understands and will be there through all the steps of your grief process.

Thank you, beth. I don't even know what to do with myself. I start crying and look up and 3 hours have gone by. Then I realize she isn't physically here and I am just lost and more time moves on. I cannot even believe I had the strength to write this. It took me two weeks just to acknowledge something isn't right here. And that something was the heart and soul of me.

Hi, ckrspanl, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved Brandy Noel. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the cir%%stances or how long we have been blessed with the privilege of their company. I can certainly relate to your feelings of shock. My first doggie child, Samson, had Canine's Crohn Disease, and was on Prednisone once a day. Every time I tried to wean him off, his condition would relapse - - even get worse - - so the two-edged sword of Prednisone was what gave him a quality of life. In the last months of his life he developed kidney failure, and one of the x-rays that was taken also showed practically no colon - - due both to the Crohn's and Prednisone. Still, I accepted the referral to the university hospital where they had him on canine dialysis for a week to try to jump start his kidneys. The day they took him off the IV's his creatnine levels immediately started to rise again. I brought him home. Loved him through one last night and had him put to rest the next day by his regular veterinary physician. I know his life at the university hospital must have been hell for him, and I regret that to this day - - 10 years later. But I also am glad I gave him the opportunity - - since I'm not omnipotent I am a mere human with limited knowledge even in my more intelligent moments. So, again - - the two-edged sword. I visited him every day making the 2 hour trip after work and then the two hour trip home for the evening. I had hope while he was there - - I wasn't prepared to lose him - - not yet - - not ever. He had seen me through a very long and difficult recovery and rehabilitation which included a very deep and dark depression. He was the reason why I struggled in my recovery and why I didn't proceed with the how of ending my life. He helped me heal as best I could from the loss of my mom - - who gave him to me as a gift of love and who brought joy into her life. He was God's precious Guardian Angel to me, and became my therapy companion knowing exactly what to do and when and how before I even realized the transitions that were taking place in me. He was my soul mate for 15 years and 8 months. Hopefully by now you will realize that you did everything you could - - everything you knew how to do - - and more - - to give your sweet precious Brandy a healthy, happy, loved life. Brandy knows this and is so very thankful to you. But right now your heart is so filled with sorrow that it can't embrace Brandy's love reaching to you beyond time and space. What you are feeling is normal grief, and unfortunately there is no way to speed up the healing process. As you know there are many different stages to this awful grief journey, and many highs and lows of emotions to go along with it. Hopefully in time as the deep abyss of grief passes you will come to understand that Brandy's sweet living Spirit is still with you as she always has been indelibly etched in your heart and memories. You can still share your life with her as you always have and can still talk to her as she is intently listening as she always has. She is still with you in your walks always by your side. Your relationship has just temporarily transformed to a different dimension. I hope that your grief counselor is familiar with "pet" bereavement. This is a new dimension to grief counseling and not all counselors are trained in it. Ckrspanl, please know that what you are feeling right now is very normal - - and equally important that you are not alone in your healing journey. Each of us are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Your Brandy is a gorgeous girl.






We want them to live forever don't we. Almost 15 is very elderly and yet we don't realize that because we just want them to carry on. I know because I was lucky with my old dog Merlin who lived to be 17 - if he had gone a couple of years earlier I wouldn't have been ready for it at all.

I don't know why we do the guilt thing, but please don't do it to yourself - you spent $7,000 on tests, now how many people would do that? Really? You did everything on God's green earth to keep her alive, and there is just absolutely no way we can know everything and fix everything. I wish it we could, God knows I do, but we can't, we really can't.

Life is transitory, even for us. Our time here has a deadline; that is so for everyone who lives and breathes. Brandy was so lucky to have someone who loved her so much as you - very, very lucky. And she knows that, as our pets do since they reflect back to us with complete purity and honesty.

When the time is right, and not sooner, maybe you will be able to gift your time and care to another precious furbaby. It is hard to find meaning in our losses, but we can always make meaning in them by doing something in their name, or to help out another fur soul.

thinking of you and wishing you much healing in this transition period.

Jan.

I am so sorry to hear about Brandy. I smiled at the photo with the stick in her mouth running toward the camera. What a sweet baby.

It is devastating to lose our best friends. My last 3 babies were kitty siblings born in 1991 and I felt fortunate having them past the years my beautiful dogs were with me. My Little Guy was the last and left a home too empty to tolerate. He was just past 16 1/2 and it is a guess..it was cancer that caused his ER visit last year. We always will wonder about so many things. But from your story, I can see you did everything you could possibly think of (and also your vet) for Brandy. And, she was almost 15 years old...which means you have many years (never enough) of wonderful, happy, healthy memories of her (as your photos show).

My boy had mast cell cancer in 2004 and the vet told me the growth she removed was benign. After he passed in 2007, I asked for copies of his records and saw the biopsy on that growth said cancer and it makes me wonder why the vet was not interested in telling me about it. She may have thought she got it all during surgery and I would like to think she did. Maybe what happened to my boy 3 years later was another type of cancer..I don't know. I noticed you said Brandy beat mast cell cancer 2 times. Did this come back and take both of our babies?

I could not bring myself to ask for an autopsy on my boy cause I knew x-rays showed he could not breathe due to fluid in his chest...cause unknown. But once pleural effusion happens....I don't believe there is a good result..his came fast at the end...no fluid 10 days earlier on x-rays.

So to see your Brandy change so much all of a sudden is something that is so hard to understand and I think kind of puts you in shock. This is a very painful grieving time. Just know that you truly did the best you could for her and having her all those years proves what wonderful "parents" you and your husband are.

Feeling lost, crying all the time.....been there...done that. It is okay to cry. When I came home from the vet that last day...I just cried every day for quite a while...until it was physically exhausting. One day I realized the crying was not making me feel better and I was so very tired of hating each empty day. And I realized I really needed another furbaby in my home ....it would be a distraction. I needed that and that is what helped me. I see you mention getting another dog in the future. Brandy has her special place in your lives and your hearts and know that a new dog is okay cause she would never be a replacement for Brandy but could be the younger sister or brother that Brandy would have adored as part of her life with you. It helps to start new memories without the worry that so consumes us as we go through the difficult months knowing we will be losing them and feeling so helpless.

It just takes time to make things more bearable. It helps me to believe these sweethearts have a limited time with us and when it is their time to go....we really can do nothing to prevent it. We always lose that battle. If they are to stay longer..then we or our vet would chart the course that would take care of that problem at that moment. That's why guilt is not an option...there can be no guilt when we have no control over what happens. You did your absolute best for Brandy but we know all too well....when we see with our own eyes that our baby's quality of life is slowly leaving (or even quickly going)....we know all we will be able to do is give them peace from it all. It becomes what is best for them..when there is no cure or management left to try.

It may help to come here and just pour out your thoughts and feelings when you believe it will help you. You can post a note in Brandy's topic here...to her...telling her how very much you miss her. Many of us find that makes us feel somewhat better.

The pain never truly goes away completely. But time makes it more bearable. We know these special ones are part of our hearts and can never leave us again. We eventually replace each sad thought with a good memory....a good way to start healing.

My favorite Mom's saying is: The pain of losing her will never ever be greater than the joy of knowing her. I repeat that to myself whenever I need to and it helps us. Maybe the thought will help you too.

It is okay to cry. It is okay to grieve. A huge part of your life was snatched away but what happened to Brandy can never take away your love, your missing her, and all your memories of the wonderful sweet times you were together.

You truly did your very best and she knows that. Now we have to think of our sweet ones as beautiful Angels who look over us..and their souls and spirits are part of us and can never be taken away.

Take care. I wish you peace and healing and remember anytime you need to vent, to talk....there are many here always listening. We all share the same intense pain so we know exactly what others are going through so we also try to share what helps each of us and hope we can make others feel somewhat better.

Judy

I am deeply sorry to read of your loss of your beautiful girl Brandy Noel. Thank you for sharing your pictures with us. After reading your post, I can see just how much Brandy meant to you. Bless you for rescuing her, she was so lucky to share her life with you. You were also very fortunate to have her for 15 yrs. I know it's never long enough when you love a fur baby so much. As our babies get up in years, there are so many health issues that arise. Even with treatment, sometimes their bodies just can't get better. You did everything in your power to help Brandy. But, unfortunately somethings are just out of our control. And when we lose our babies it is like losing a part of ourselves. Brandy was with you so much of the time, and your loss is so new. I can tell you that with time your pain will ease. I know it doesn't feel like that right now. I think we all question ourselves, and wonder why our pets became ill. We want so desperately to understand why...but somethings we will never understand.

One of the hardest things is not to dwell on when she was sick. But, to remind yourself what a wonderful, long life she had. Remember the fun times you both shared. Talk about her, and celebrate her life with others. Hopefully, we can offer you some comfort here by sharing our experiences. Some of the posters here are new, and other have been here for a long time. But, we have all lost a fur baby and that's what brings us together. I wish you comfort and peace during this difficult time in your life.

Nancy

Moon_beam, Zita's Mom, LoveThem, and LuvLabs,


Thank you so much for taking the time out of your lives and your day to write to me. I don't even know if I am articulating my words properly and if what I want to say to each of you will come through this keyboard, from my heart and computer screen to yours, but thank you SO much. I was out grocery shopping. I had to get out of the house, needed groceries, and it is so so empty in my heart no matter where we go. I don't want to break down and cry and upset my spouse if I cry and vice versa, but we are so rocked to the core. Everything you all said to me makes such sense, touched me so deeply, and I want to believe with every fiber of my being that time will help. I feel like I am going out of my mind with grief. I didn't just want to lurk here and read all the posts that other devastated folks are experiencing; I wanted to share my hurt and pain and maybe someday offer some sort of semblance of words of advice. For now, I can't see beyond my tears, my nausea, the physical symptoms, the lack of appetite, the headaches, the overwhelming grief and ache of missing her.

Walking through the grocery store, it hit me. For so long in my life, (I am 40 this year), I didn't know what was missing. But on Saturday, December 18, 1993 I was wed and the next day our little furbaby came into our lives. I said out loud to my spouse today, "I didn't know what was missing for me until I found you and Brandy." And that is at the core of this devastation. A large part of me, who I am, my heart, my soul, my happiness died on October 11, 2008. I know what I will do is keep coming here, make this my shared grief ans shared comfort home, try with every strength I can muster to learn from you all and attempt to apply that to my own self. Then maybe someday, I can pass that on and give that back.

Reading your kind words and advice and postings, it's as if you got inside my mind and read my thoughts. The hurt is so unbearable. I read a post on here this past week where a gal asked if crying so much can physically hurt a person? And someone said if that were the case, her eyes would have fallen out by now, something to that effect. I find I wax and wane with the crying. Sometimes I am staring off into space. Today going through the grocery store I felt like someone poured concrete and it formed into blocks from my knees to my ankles and my feet were doing their best just to walk. I feel like I am alive but not living if that makes sense. I don't want to die, I have no desire for that. But I just cannot fathom living without her. I know I have for 2 weeks and 1 day and the time feels worthless that has passed. I know in my heart, she would not want this. Tears used to make her upset. You know how some dogs come and comfort you when you would get sad and/or cry? Well, Brandy would leave, really get out of the room or move to the other end of the couch. A Lassie in disguise she was not (and that made me LOL). But that is the truth. I know she'd never want me to hurt like this. I know that she is okay, her spirit is alive, she can see me. I feel Heaven is really right next to us here as human beings. But the missing her presence in my life and doing the things we did, sharing, loving, laughing, walking, playing, cuddling, just being..... have rocked me unlike anything I have ever ever experienced.

The guilt I am going to need to somehow work through. I need to get peace with the decisions we made and then at least attempt grief. Maybe grief is hitting in other ways and I just don't know it yet. I suppose I don't have a choice in any of this except to honor her. My heart now though is broken in so many pieces it is not recognizable to me. My life is complete with my sweetie by my side, my spouse. But our furkid, she was a child to us, always will be. I want to open myself to another someday, but for now this loss is the biggest hole and I feel down deep swallowed inside it with the darkest of night eating me up.

Thank you so much, everyone who has thus far responded. The groceries are sitting waiting to be put away. First time I got a big order since her passing. She used to put her little nose in the bags and see what mommy brought her. This is so so sad. Thanks for listening. For the losses you all have experienced, I am truly sorry and offer you my prayers and just that I am here, in your pain sharing this devastation with you.

Blessings,
Carol

Carol,

I completely understand this feeling. I have totally been there. I am gradually finding that life has a bit more meaning. I am changed forever with my losses - particularly because my last fur baby was murdered. There seems no sense and no justice in that kind of loss.

But I now feel very compelled to teach people about the value and sacredness of our pets - of animals, and of life in general. That is the main thing that propells me right now. I feel a deep longing to connect to the spirit world - the world of my Ziggy and Zita, your Brandy, my Merlin and Missy, Skippy and so many other fur friends that I have loved. I have always been interested in that connection but now it drives me and each night as I go to sleep I ask for closer contact with those in spirit. My "interests" have changed. Some of the things that I "thought" were important are not important at all. I need to eat, breathe, have shelter etc. but material "stuff" has little meaning to me since life is so transitory.

Anyway, I did not know how I could continue really "living" because I really felt like the walking dead for quite awhile. It has been almost two months since Ziggy was killed, and the pain is nowhere near gone, but I can set goals and enjoy my other pets which I found hard to do at first.

Wishing you well.

Jan.

Jan -

This means so much that you said this. I read on another thread where you talked about interconnectedness of particles and I have thought of that over and over these past 60 minutes or so. It really makes sense. I just don't know how my heart and this horrible void will ever ever heal. I love the idea of getting closer to the ones we love who have passed. I pray every night to feel her. I have always prayed, so that concept isn't new for me, but the physical loss of her feels like I am underwater and can't come up for air. I am so so sorry for your losses and the way you said your last baby died as well. I am speechless in fact. That is a rare thing for me.

I wish there was a way to click my heels, snap my fingers, breathe and see her..... and never let go ;(

Thanks for the words, each and every one means a lot to me.

I love you my baby, we always will. I am praying right here for and with you, Brandy.

Carol

Earlier today I read your wonderful lovestory about the life you lived with Brandy. I found myself thinking about you and Brandy over and over again throughout the afternoon. Brandy sure was one lucky furry kid to have a Mom like you. The love you shared on this earth binds your souls for eternity. Having spent nearly 15 years with Brandy no doubt enriched your quality of life and enriched your soul. Brandy Noel gifted you a treasure chest full of happy and joyous memories that are yours to keep.

I can remember feeling much the same as you do, nearly a year ago now. My world had come to an end in the way I knew and lived it. My Goliath passed away very suddenly. We had curled up in my chair just the night before his death. Goliath, Gidget and myself watched the movie Firehouse Dog. Little did I know that night it was to be our last night together. Goliath had never been sick a day in his life when suddenly the following night he began to throw up, so I rushed him to the ER where the vet told me he had an irritated stomach and sent me home with an antacid and a bland diet to follow-up with starting the next morning. I'm sure you can just imagaine how relieved I felt. Within a few hours after returning home, Goliath had a seizure. As we looked into each others eyes, I could feel the angels were very near. I stroked his ears and in less than two minutes I felt his loving spirit leave his tiny limp body. Though I tried to breathe life back into him, it was not meant to be. The vet who had treated him earlier in the evening did an autopsy and results showed Goliath was in perfect health. They think he had a fatal vagal episode, which is very rare. I'll never know for sure what happened and it will never bring him back even if I did know.

What I did realize over time was that Goliath and I have an everlasting bond that could not be broken on this earth nor can it ever be broken, though we are worlds apart. The glue to our bond is the love we made together that enriched my zest for life and living. Though his body has perished, Goliath's spirit is alive and well within me and all around me. He is with me in everything I touch, feel, see, and love. Goliath remains by my side just as he always did. I will love him til the day after forever.

May you find comfort in knowing in your heart what a wonderful and joyous life Brandy Noel lived with you. The bond the two of you share will remain connected with each others love. Each of you became part of the other long ago and nothing, even physical death, can separate you.

Hugs of comfort and love from my heart to yours,
Beth

Beth,

I am so so touched. I have tears streaming down, as I just read this post aloud.

First, my deepest condolences and hugs. Again, for a woman who is usually full of words, I find myself at a loss and falling flat on my face, searching for what to say to all of you have loved and lost their fur kid(s). Goliath was indeed a lucky baby and continues to shine in the Heavens. I am so comforted in reading these words and I know that over the months and years, and who am I kidding, for the rest of my life, I will keep these postings and read and re-read them. Wishing I could hold her again, touch her, smell her. How did this happen so fast? Why? And I know others have had less time, tragedies far worse, it just at this moment hurts more than the worst hurt. I am rambling, but this pain is terrible. I am so not understanding this all. The words I read resonate and yet it doesn't feel real.... like I am going through motions and this is not happening to me. But it is, it all to real is.

In this time, and I wonder for how long, I guess there is no answer.... I miss her with every fiber of my being and am just a mess. I have never ever known such loss, and I look back on my life and have people tell me I am a survivor for some of the things that have bestowed themsevles upon my life. But this, well it is just in a different league. The heart still beats in me, but it feels different. It just doesn't feel whole. I rejoice and will work for the day I can feel that glue, that bond, that everlasting knowing that she is here. In truth, I know her spirit moved on. I am so beside myself with missing her.

Thank you ALL for bearing with me and letting me speak here so freely. This forum is a blessing, goodnight as my tears fall.

Hugs,
Carol

I'm so deeply sorry for your loss of Brandy Noel. A beautiful name for a beautiful girl. Your grief is very natural, she was your baby, your child. However the guilt is the part you should not feel. You did everything for her, to keep her safe, happy, and above all healthy. I don't see how 1 meal would do such harm. It may have been a combo of alot of things and age. Like people the older we get the harder it is to fight off infections. You did your best, you gave her your best. She was a happy dog because of all the love and care you gave her. She lived a wonderful long life of 14yrs. Yes, it could never be enough. I lost my Arthur at 2 1/2yrs. I wanted to be with him forever. Then one day, I thought, I was with him forever, HIS forever, it just wasn't as long as I hoped it'd be. Letting go and saying goodbye is tough, it's devestating, yet, having do move on with that emptiness smothering us is unbearable at times. The only thing that will get us thru it right now it time, and lots of tears. I know all too well how you feel. Feeling guilty like you, I read a post where someone said "they were very lucky we found them". I use to think the opposite. My baby wouldn't be dead if I hadn't found him. But... she was right, 'cuz I know in my heart he had the best of the best, I wouldn't give any less. I hope you find comfort in that too.. Hugs..Ann

Each and every day, I think of Goliath many times. Yesterday was my birthday. On my last birthday my husband had Goliath bring me my birthday card, just as he had done every other birthday I'd had during Goliath's lifetime. I missed him so much yesterday.

Brandy Noel's death is still very acute. Your emotions are raw and I can understand the shock only too well. For the first few months after Goliath passed away I made a downward plunge and spiraled deeper and deeper into depression. The hurt and grief took it's toll, leaving me crippled physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Anxiety set in and I thought I would never be able to enjoy life and living again. To be honest, at that point I didn't want to either. At some point I became numb and shut everything else out, including the people in my life who love me so much.

Just over two months after Goliath passed away I found LS. I got down on my hands and knees and prayed for some peace in my heart. There was no way I could let myself sink any deeper into the bog of depression. Goliath would have kicked my butt from here to Heaven had I not done something to help myself. Because of him and the life we shared together I was blessed with many years of joy and happiness like no other. A dark oppressive spirit likes nothing better than to attempt to destroy us when we are at our lowest. It takes advantage when we are the most vulnerable. There was no way I was going to let that dark oppressive spirit steal away the love and memories I have of my sweet Goliath. He taught me more about life and living than any person ever could have. His lessons of love follow me through each of my days. One day I know we wll meet again in a place where there is no end. Life is short...............eternity isn't.

Coming to LS brought me hope, inspiration, and a will to go on. I soon found that by allowing myself to feel and remember all the good memories Goliath left me, the pain began to subside. Though the missing never ends, the grief and agony lessens over time. The key for me was in accepting his physical death. Beginning a new kind of life without him was difficult to adjust to. This journey of healing is long and arduous. There are many bumps and holes along the way. Together we walk in struggling our way to find happiness and peace again. Little by little, step by step, I picked up the broken pieces of my heart along the way. You will too Carol, I promise.

Much love and many hugs,
Beth

Ann and Beth,

Thanks again ladies, your words mean so very much to me. My heart wants to go on and my heart wants to embrace that love Brandy Noel and I shared. It realllllly reallllly does. I am normally a positive and uplifting person who has had her fair share of sadness and loss in life. This has consumed me unlike anything I ever ever could have imagined.

Beth, the birthday card in the mouth thing...I know exactly what you mean. Brandy used to do that. She had her little ways. She would share in a treat with me at a certain time of day. She knew what time it was to play and the time to go out. She had these nonverbal internal cues and I want to find them again and feel them even without her physical presence. I love the notion about eternity being forever. I cherish that thought. I guess there isn't much I can do except fight for her to be alive in my heart and in spirit and pray with every fiber of my being that someday I shall embrace that and that it will be enough.

I plan to keep coming here, try my hardest, and do all I can to learn from everyone. I am so physically and emotionally sick. Last night all over again, the dry heaves and then eventual tears that wouldn't stop. TY for listening. Blessings to you all for peace and condolences on your losses. I am with you in this.

Hugs,
Carol

Like everyone on here, I have experienced your grief and shared it, and am sorry for your loss. Once experienced, everyone then understands it themselves.
It looks like you did your best for your friend and exhausted every possibility.
The only oddity I see is





Miles was on prednisone. Our Silkie Terrier Matilda was on prednisolone for years. In all cases we were cautioned to never abruptly discontinue its use. When Miles was given it for her food allergy dermatitis, the course of treatment always invoolved a very gradual dose reduction for the last two weeks, and at the end, a half tablet every other day.

"Abrupt discontinuation of treatment in patients who have been on steroids for a prolonged period of time may cause severe symptoms due to the fact the normal production of steroids by the body has been turned off."

All steroids are not bad. Casual overuse it, but the body does make its own prednisones, and they belong there, and there is nothing "unnatural" about them. Do not blame yourself for geting questionable advice. You tried everything to save your friend.

Thanks for writing to me and my deepest sympathies to you on your loss.

We never stopped the prednisone abruptly. Brandy had been on prednisone and then methylprednisolone was given instead. At the end of her life, the decision was made to wean her off the pred (slowly over 4-5 weeks time), but it was not meant to be. I am not a doctor, but involved in the medical field. I have seen steroids have a terrible impact, sometimes even death, on both people and pets, even after one dose. A friend of mine, her mother had a stroke a week after being on prednisone and that was attributed as the cause by a university hospital she visited. In any case, my dilemma and nightmares come in the form of should I ever had tried the steroids. She was on them for almost 6 weeks and there was no change, but there was a worsening. The blame game won't help me now, but the guilt is immeasurable. I know there are people who swear by how steroids saved and continue to save the life of their furkids, and if I were them, I would praise it as well. I just know some folks and some pets can have potentially life-changing and/or life-threatening reactions.

I appreciate your words, and blessings to you and yours.

Carol

I am so so devastated sitting here. It comes in a tidal wave and then paralyzes me. I am so sick with tears and it just feels like it won't ever stop. I miss her so much. I really cannot believe this.

Thank you for the Van Dyke writing. It meant a lot to me to read it. I did also just post to you in my topic so be sure and look there.

You are a perfect example of why this forum means so much to so many. You may not have realized it but you are here in very intense pain...yet you thought to take the time to reach out and help another's pain (mine) by your thoughtfulness in sharing something beautiful and meaningful.

Hugs and thank you.

Judy

Judy,

You are so welcome. I am sitting here crying and blubbering, looking at my office and her empty couch. My baby always laid there during the hours I worked, getting off to get me moving, get me to walk her or play or eat lunch or just to sit at my feet with those eyes of melted chocolate. I have that poem here on my desk, have for years since I first read it. Knowing you found meaning in it and took the time to respond to me in kind, well that means so so much. For that and temporarily, making me see through my heavy tears, thank you. Gosh, I miss her so.

You are more than welcome, anytime,
Hugs,
Carol

She really was the most beautiful little dog. You were lucky to have her, and she was lucky to have you.

I don't know if you have heard this quote, but I wanted to share it with you:

"I have sometimes thought of the final cause of dogs having such short lives and I am quite satisfied it is in compassion to the human race; for if we suffer so much in losing a dog after an acquaintance of ten or twelve years, what would it be if they were to live double that time?"

(Sir Walter Scott)

Guilt is a natural part of grieving, but please try not to dwell on what medication she was getting, etc. You could not have loved Brandy more, and everything that you did, you did out of love for her. The grief is unbearable, I know. Six months later I still get the "ebbs and flows". Some days I am OK, and other times I think I'll never stop crying. It is days like today that I come on here to remind myself I am not alone.

Thinking of you x

Lynsey,

Thank you for that quote; I had not heard nor read that one before, and I will keep that in my many readings by my desk. I am so sorry for your loss as well. I am trying with every fiber of my being not to dwell on the guilt. I find that it is really all consuming sometimes. Other times, like the other 19 hours I am awake since she passed, I find that I am waiting for her to come in the room, hear her little grrrr bark for me, or just to smell her puppy fur coasting through the air. I remind myself of time. Common sense tells me she has moved on, but grief seems to have pummeled the heck out of any common sense I felt I once had. I DO, however, take comfort in reading these messages and knowing people care, people who have been there, are there, and are reaching out. Thank you so very much.

Dear Carol,

The following is a quote I read just this last September. The words of wisdom and understanding of this writer brought me so so peace. I hope it does the same for you.

Hugs,
Beth

"They that love beyond the world cannot be separated from it.

Death cannot kill what never dies.

Nor can spirits ever be divided, that love and live in the same divine principle, the root and record of their friendship.

If absence be not death, neither is theirs.

Death is but crossing the world, as friends do the seas;

They live in one another still."



William Penn, More Fruits of Solitude

That is SO SO beautiful, Beth.. I plan to keep a copy of this next to my desk. I miss her so, I hope with time I can breathe again. Thanks again, it means a lot to me.

Hugs, Carol

Hi Carol,
You probably caught that I said so so peace and what I meant was so much peace. My thoughts come faster than my fingers can type out words. I'm glad you found it to be beautiful thoughts just as I did. Another reading you might find comforting is "The Journey." You can search for it here on LS and read it when you feel the need for a little peace. A wonderful friend of mine (ForDuffy) sent it to me a few months ago. Though it brought tears to my eyes, they were joyful. Sometimes I need a boost of spiritual energy myself.

Hugs,
Beth

Such huge tears fell from my eyes when I read your story of Brandy. What a wonderful furpet. Sounds like you were a very good mother to her and you had many wonderful years together to make many memeries. We can all relate to your stories and feel your pain. 2 more days will be 5 months since I lost Sissycat at 2 years of age. Most days I feel pretty good. (sometimes I do feel guilty for that) At first I never thought I would have made it this long without her.
Sounds like you are a very caring person and it is great to think that maybe in the future you can give love to another pet. There are truely so many out there that need a home with people to care about them. I'm sure Brandy would want that too.

Many hugs to You and your Angel Brandy

Goliath, Thanks so much for pointing out The Journey. I am going to go try and find it now. Your words have been very comforting to me as I read them.

Sissycat, My deepest condolences. I pray someday I can open my heart and see beyond my tears and shattered heart.

I do feel that my eyes can't cry anymore, and then the tears fall again and again. I miss her so. I am sounding like a broken record. My heart is that record and I sure am broken.

Goodnight all, blessings,
Thank you,
Carol

Hi Crkspanl, I just noticed you were on the article about euthenization under Pet Loss Resources and Articles. I just found it myself. Everything we feel is right there. I was thinking earlier today about why we feel so guilty. Because we love them, care and protect them best we can and when they get sick or hurt we feel like we failed them. With me, all the way to the hospital that day I kept telling my Arthur he was going to ok, that I wouldn't let anything happen to him. I failed him, he trusted me and I couldn't keep my promise. Also he talks about the head and heart battle. So so true. And I like how he said to go back and live in that moment and re feel everything. The reasons why, and the stregnth we had to make this decision. That was a powerful article and I hope a lot of us here find it and read it. It helped me greatly. Especially the last part of remembering why we did it..out of love..Ann

Thanks, Ann. I know that my prayers are deep and I wish for my baby to be safe in the arms of God and to live with me here in spirit each and every moment. I know what came was necessary, just my heart is so so broken. I am sorry for your loss and blessings to you.

Hi ckrspanl-----I saw your post at omarmommy's thread about the shooting star.The very same thing happened to me the night my boy Willy died.I walked outside to my patio area and told him I missed him so much.The second I finished the word 'much' a shooting star whizzed by at a low altitude.I have never seen one of those before.I am convinced it was more than a coincidence.Our babies are among us and tomorrow morning when you wake up remember that you are one day closer to being with your baby forever.Just hang on as the time will continue to pass as it always has and always will.See you at Rainbow Bridge for the big reunion party.........
Bubba.............

Bubba, Thanks for writing. I do believe that was my baby also. I just think the shock of it suddenly happening and disbelief and hurt all at once hit me. Your thoughts are very positive and that is so special that something similar happened to you. I just cant believe its been 2-1/2 weeks. ;(

Hugs,
Carol

Carol-----God bless your child
Bubba.............

Hi, Carole

I'm glad to see you added that Van Dyke saying to your signature so it can be read..again and again...it is so very thoughtful.

I know crying is exhausting but it is so much a part of missing them so very much...how can it ever truly stop? Our missing and our love will never stop. We never seem to run out of tears but for me there came a time the tears everyday did not make me feel better and that is when I went looking for a furbaby to hug again. He is not my boy but he is the distraction I needed.

I still can sit and have the tears flowing down my cheeks very easily...I just have to think about how much I miss my boy. It's become a part of my life...from time to time now...and my new boy keeps it from being everyday.

I have pictures of my Little Guy in every room and I lock eyes with his so many times when I enter a room and I smile thinking how much I loved him and his siblings and how wonderful it was to have them in my life.

So, as you cry...know we are all crying with you...we feel your pain because it is the same as our pain...so you are never crying alone. We understand the hurt. Somehow, it can be comforting to realize that what has happened to us ..has also happened to others and because we all understand....we reach out to help one another in whatever way we can. We can't help our babies anymore but because of them....we can sometimes ease each other's pain.

I wish you peace and healing.....it takes time....but in time we do get back more control over our pain. It is okay to cry.....there is no tears time limits. We have to do what makes us feel better to do.

We will love them forever and miss them forever and it is truly okay to cry from the pain of missing them...that's a bond and connection that can never be broken....and sometimes.....we just NEED to cry.................

Judy

Thanks so much for your kind words,Judy. The same to you, Bubba. My heart is broken and the hurt of missing her is so great. I know she has given me signs of her being around several times. I haven't been around because it is so painful and writing about was making it worse for me, which is ironic. I love to write. I know she would want me happy and is my guardian angel. But the loss of her physicality, well that is the worse. It will be 4 weeks this Saturday that she is gone. I cannot believe it, and with Thanksgiving approaching.

I will say this.... my spouse and I are adopting a new dog. We pick him up on Sunday. Went and met him, fell in love, and we know our hearts are big enough to give to other dogs. I am not replacing her but rather adding a new family member to our household. I have also been going to a grief counselor. I read the book "The five people you meet in Heaven" and highly recommend that as well.

I don't feel the nonstop crying coming on these days, but I do feel the devastation and the hurt is immeasurable. I know that time is there for all of us and propels us whether we want it or not. The hurt though, well I think that is one thing time cannot erase.

Hugs to all,
Carol

I am so very glad to hear about your new addition. I know that doing that is what helped me tremendously.

You might start a topic for the new one in New Beginnings and put a picture. That's where we know we can go and smile at the stories and the photos for there is a newness there that is healthy and happy and we all need to smile.

We never forget the very special friend we lost and it feels good to think of them being Angels watching over us, since they are still a part of us always by being in our hearts, and they also watch over when we get a new sister or brother in our home. Their unconditional love means that seeing us smile is what makes their day...it always did...and it always will.

Let us know about the new addition when you have time. What is his name? We would love to hear all about him.

Hugs to you and your husband. It is always nice to hear about a new addition, especially when we are in the Holidays time of year.

Judy

Hello all,

I haven't been here because I have been trying to deal with my grief and welcome a new life into our household, while honoring the memory and life that I shared for nearly 15 years... that of Brandy Noel.

Those of you in this thread who replied to me... you'll never know how grateful I am for the words you shared. I even kept a copy of many of your words in a do%%ent so I could refer to it time and again.

Brandy Noel is so so sadly missed. Some days it seems like moments ago that she was here. Other times it feels like forever ago. ALL the time it hurts. I have learned that one of the best things I could ever do is always have a dog in my life. Brandy cherished laughter and love, imparted it so freely. And I know she'd want her mama happy. Happiness to me is sharing life with a dog. When she died, so did all the things I loved doing so much. And I felt like my child died and so did all of my interests, hobbies, recreations.... and that isn't fair to her legacy not to have those things. I know in my heart with every fiber of my being that she is there for me at the bridge, whole and free and without suffering. I will never know exactly what caused her extreme decline, and at this stage, having that answer won't bring her back Time makes things clearer but will never erase that painstaking hurt and ache that is so very guttural. That, I am afraid, remains.

I have done many things in her name. I have joined a rescue group as a contributor, continuing with my dog-related writing, brought home a new dog into my life, and our vet is going to have a open house and festival, which I am helping to coordinate. We are starting a charity in Brandy Noel's name for those who cannot afford vet care but need it for their furbaby. She was a hero to me and I want her legacy to go on helping. If I can tell her story, she stays alive in spirit and will never be forgotten.

I also had a webpage designed for her, and I go to it morning and night and pray. I ache with every deep fiber of who I am, but all the tears and grief and anger won't bring her back. In fact, if she could tell me anything, I know she'd speak and tell me not to give up hope. There is a life after this one... and that is called eternity. To that end, I have hope. I know I will see her again.

Meantime, she has a little brother who is such an amazing spirit. I love him as much as I will always love her. I never thought I'd want to open myself up in that way again, but my heart's doors have plenty of love to share and swing open. It wouldn't be fair not to share it. So in her honor, allow me to present Dexter, a 6-month c.spaniel, who in soooo many ways is so much like her and in so many ways, so not like her. The balance is perfect. I love you, Brandy Noel, precious baby. Always watch mommy and your brother, and run free with that stick girl.... until we meet again.

Hello again, Dexter is one lucky soul to have you in his life. I think your work in helping the less furtunate with vet care is extrodinarily generous, words cannot describe. I was talking with a co worker about that very same thing not too long ago. Even something like setting up a some kind of pet food pantry, donated and given out free in need. With your special work and me voulenteering at a shelter(to start) is something I never would have done b4. I think in some ways our baby's passing, as sad and painful it may be, is bringing us closer to helping their kind, who so badly need us. God bless you and your kind heart. This world needs more of that...Hugs to you, Brandy Noel, and Dexter..Ann

Hi Ann,

Good to hear from you and thanks for taking the time to express your sentiments. You are a very kind soul, and I take comfort in knowing people like you understand what I am going through and are also making a difference in the world.....

Blessings.

Thank you for the update and for the sweet picture of Dexter....what a cutie he is!

You have done a lot to help your healing and to honor your special girl, Brandy Noel.
She will truly never be forgotten.

Being an Angel, I am sure she is watching over you and her new little brother, Dexter,
and I can imagine her tail wagging like crazy. She is never gone because she is in your heart forever and her spirit and soul surround you 24/7.

I am glad to see Dexter...6 months old...hope you have a lot of energy (I remember my puppies always had lots ). I know he is already giving you a special love and joy that you need.
And since he needed a home and love...it is a win-win situation....one that Brandy Noel definitely approves of.

I agree with what you said about wanting a special sweetheart in your home always...I feel the same way. There is something about that unconditional love we receive...that we can't always do without and so it seems that love allows us to open our heart and home to another who needs to be loved and has so much of that special love to give.

Hugs to you and Dexter and to your Special Angel, Brandy Noel. She still is and will always be part of your family and with you 24/7.

Judy

Wanted to send my baby extra warm vibes and let her know I love her with every fiber of my being.

God bless you, baby girl. Mommy loves and misses you. We all do.

I am sorry you are having a bad night. Sending you lots of hugs to help you through the night.
I don't know why we sometimes all of a sudden have a bad day or night. I have them too, but then I try to think of happy and positive thought of Sissycat. She wouldn't want me getting down in the dumps.

I am so sure your Baby girl knows and feels everything you do and say!!!!

Many hugs to you both!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love you, my sweet angel. My heart breaks with missing you.

I just heard the song "Someone to Watch Over Me" and I feel you sent me that, baby girl. Mommy loves and misses you so much. It hurts more than I could ever express.

Eternal angel, eternally live in my heart until we reunite.