I can't seem to stop crying. And the what ifs keep surfacing. My little teenager cat Gracie was the sparkle in the house. My little girl among her 5 older brother cats. We live on a dead end road in a rural community, I actually bought the house because I thought the cats would love it and be safe from harm.I have lived here for 10 years without a problem. Her brother Junior cried that morning insistently to go outside. they are always in for the night, which he hardly ever does. So I went downstairs to let him out about 7am and little Gracie followed me down. Those two always went out together. I held the door open and looked at Gracie to see if she wanted to go not realizing that her whole life depended on my action. About 9 I went to the backdoor and let Jr in and Gracie was not there. I didn't think to much of it because she loves to be outside and sometimes takes a while to come in to eat. But as the day wore on I knew she wClick to view attachmentas never coming back. She had a routine and was a confident outside kittie who never strayed. If she could have come back she would have. I believe a fox got her because she was so small for her age about 9 months. This is the first year the hay field next to ours was put into corn and it was just cut and the foxes must use our treeline to get to the other field to hunt. If only I hadn't let her out , if only Jr hadn't cried, if only it was raining and cold like now instead of sunny on that day I would never have let her out, If only the field was in hay the foxes would never have come so close to the house, if ;only the canadian geese weren't out there to maybe lure the foxes close to the house. She must have been playing and made a rustle in the weeds and the fox went to see and grabbed her. I feel so guilty ...what was I thinking to let my little girl out. The foxes had never bothered my big cats but she was so much smaller. I put flyers in every mailbox for miles but I know she is never coming back. It will always haunt me, The sweetest thing in the world gone because of my stupidity. I always tried to let her out and supervise her but I thought she would be safe.I can't even pretend to believe she is in "heaven". What kind of God would make a system where everything is killing everything else to eat. My little sweatheart ,,who loved everything, me ,my husband, the other cats( some of whom did not love but tolerated her), the bed, the garden. she was the sparkle of the house.If she had lived a few more days she probably would never have been let out again because of the cold and would have gotten a lot bigger and safer. I just can't accept that. It's not fair. I keep reliving opening the door and seeing her go out.If she had been two seconds later coming down the stairs she would have been inside. I should have known better. One second one way or another and she would be alive. It will haunt me forever. I have this overwhelming urge to do something that will bring her back and I can't.It seems so final and horrible.I lost six very old cats over the past 18 months from " old age" and cancer and of course am still getting over it and Gracie was part of my new happiness. But I didn't feel this horrible what if , this horrible guilt, the sorrow over a young life over because of me when they died. She was nothing but a ball of happiness now snuffed our for ever because I was stupid and never considered the foxes. Will the sorrow ever go away?

Hi Oldanteeks, I am so deeply sorry for your loss. However, there still might be hope she will return. I so know how your feeling. I lost my Arthur in June. He lived with my friend and he had a habit of letting him out at night. I hated it, but guilty of it too. I gave into everything Arthur loved to do. When I left that night he was doing the head bobs infront of the door. I keep thinking if only I left a littler earlier or later, maybe his routine would have changed and nothing would have happened. Long story short, vet thinks he was hit by a car. He was afraid of cars, people and he had no bite marks on him. His tail had a 4in gap at the base which cased severe nerve damage internally. We had to let him go. Anyways, the dangers are so great out there and yet I cannot bear to see them trapped indoors forever. I always thought he'd get taken by an animal and yet lived with the concequences. No where seems to be safe anymore. Because of us humans developing everywhere, they have no where else to go but wander in our backyards. I think, for myself, I will be saying the same thing, if only. But it's too late and eventually we have to stop and think about the good things. It's so hard to at times. I have cried everyday since I lost him. It's hard to accept. Having gone thru this b4, I know it will get better, when, I'm not so sure. But it will. We can't beat ourselves up over it, what happened, happened. Life would be so great if we knew what tomorrow will bring. She's a beautiful little kitty and I hope that she's just off on an adventure and will return home ok. Sending prayers and hugs your way.. Ann

Dearest Oldanteeks, my deepest sympathies for your loss. Your heart is breaking and the "what ifs" are eating you up and tearing you apart. This may sound like it's easy for me to say but it isn't: Please don't lose hope just yet. Please know that you and Gracie are in my thoughts and prayers and I wing many Angels to soothe you and guide you through this gosh awful difficult time. Gracie may be just a mile or two away and found somewhere else with nice friends. I do know what you mean about a rural area and did lose my most precious fur baby kitty Srini in such an area many, many years ago. Please don't give up just yet.

I hope you don't mind that I took Gracie's photo, flipped it upright, applied several enhancing features and a frame. Since it's so large, I'll put the URL links here for you to click and bring them up. The first one is just the frame but I did add a caption to the second photo and hope you find comfort, Dear One.

http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l179/MyS...acieKitty-1.jpg

http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l179/MyS...ieKitty-1-1.jpg

Again, many positive thoughts, prayers and Angels to you and Gracie!!!

Always,
Dottie xoxoxox

Hi ,


Thanks for the kind words and pictures. Somehow I knew that day that she was gone. I kept saying to myself that she 'll be back soon , she is just playing in the garden and is hiding but I knew in my heart that those were just hollow words. I never felt that way before , my older cats are always off doing their thing and don't respond sometimes when I call but I always felt they were around. With her it was like I was calling to the empty air. It was light out when I let her outside but I didn't realize that dawn is the time when a lot of predators like to hunt for the last time. I always considered night to be the scary time and they were always inside at that time. I guess the day holds horrors also. We are bordered on one side by a creek and lots of open fields on the other. You can see for a long while and she never went there. If she was in a neighborhood and was an inside cat that went exploring and got scared you would always have hope. But she was a confident friendly cat who knew the outside and had an established routine for the six months that I had her. There is just no way she wandered off. She was taken away . I am just finding it hard to accept that something so loveable and sweet is gone for ever and there is nothing I can do to change it. Some of my other cats have their own crotchety ways but she was truly the happiest cat I have ever had. She loved her life and I took it away from her by missing an important clue. She was my little girl and now my life is empty. Life just seems to be one sad time after another. I have lost so many furkids the past couple of years from old age which I can at least accept and this just seems like the most unneccessary one. I wish I could stop crying and just go back to last week when I was so happy. I have an overwhelming urge to go get another young cat but I know that is just a misguided attempt to replace what can never be replaced. I never felt that when I lost my other cats. I know one day the next cat will come into my life but now is not that time so I am resisting the urge.I know we are all suffering on this site and feel the pit of despair clutching at us. I hope I can climb out of it.

Oh my gosh - she is so beautiful. She looks like my Zita, who died in a similar way exactly one year ago. Zita just didn't return and later I found out that cougars roam this area at night. The cat who I adopted after Zita, also a female orange tabby, got shot in August and also died.

Orange tabby females are such special cats. Most orange tabbies are male. My male orange tabby Zeus is very gentle, but Zita and Ziggy were like you describe Gracie - full of sparkle, character and love.

I know your pain - oh so well! And I know the questioning about "what if". It just "is", and we can't go back.

I sometimes wonder if the sweetness and innocence of these kitties is what put my Zita and Ziggy at risk - they were so trusting.

Gracie was/is absolutely beautiful. Maybe these special loving, healing kitties have higher purposes and they are only lent to us for a short time.

Sending you compassionate healing thoughts...

Jan

Please don't blame yourself for what happened. We had 3 young cats die over the last 2 and a half years, for different reasons, after having lost a cat from liver cancer and a dog who died from old age. I too discovered about the dangers of the night. I do understand your emptiness because my Zita and Ziggy brought me the same light and love that your Gracie brought you. Nothing can describe the pain of that loss. It has been over a year since Zita died for me and almost 2 months since Ziggy died. It hurts like h***. I can only say that it seems so unfair that those souls that bring us such peace and happiness get taken so quickly.

I wanted to show you a pic of my Zita and Zeus (who is still with me)- sister and brother, when they were about 6 or 7 months old. I think they are similar to your Gracie..

Jan.

Thank you so much Zita's Mom. I really feel like you know what I am going through. I went back and read your old posts and they seem to echo what I have been going through. You try to protect your most precious furkids and give them everything they need to stay safe and then you find out that you missed a major menace. I ,like you, have lost some old beloved cats and dogs.There seems to be something especially traumatic when they are so young and the death is so unexpected. They leave such a huge hole. I also feel like you that so many non animal people think you are nuts to care so deeply. I think there are 3 types of people in this world. People who just don't like animals, people who have pets and think of them as not much of anything and those of us who have a deep emotional love for our furkids.I try to stay away from the first two groups and seem to naturally make friends with real animal lovers. Thats my real test of a person's goodness and humanity. From childhood I had a deep connection with all animals . Like you said in your post , people make the most unfeeling comments about our kids. But it is so nice to read the posts from people who love animals as much as we do. I also have two older littermates both male orange cats and both good tempered lovable cats. The orange ones are special to us aren't they. I cried when I read about Zita and Ziggy , I know you love them and miss them like I will Gracie. Life is so sad . How do you feel now that some time has passed?
I still cry about all my old cats and dogs when I think sad thoughts about them. Some have been gone for 25 years and I still miss them and remember all the special details about them. Thank you for reaching out .Orange tabby females are special cats !

What you say is really very true. I do have one goal though and that is to reach some of those people that just don't know about the profound love of a pet. The people that are self-absorbed who just don't care at all are pretty hard to reach, but there are those people who, for whatever reason, have just never known the love of a pet. Maybe because they've been brought up a certain way, or have a perception that pets are more like objects and don't have feelings. I do think there are a distinct group that can be "educated" because they simply just don't know. However, it doesn't mean I don't get extremely frustrated with all of it - especially when someone grows up to be capable of shooting and killing such a sweet and lovely soul as Ziggy. That will take a long time for me to resolve. Because I don't know who did it, I do wonder if they will ever realize during their life, the pain they caused. And even worse, will they do it again?

Like you, my impulse is to get another kitty, but I have two problems with that. First of all, since I've now lost 3 young cats in 2.5 yrs I no longer think this is a safe area for cats. I love the outdoors - the sun, the fresh air, water, the smells of the outdoors. To imagine a life totally indoors would be a prison sentence for me, and because of my own feelings I don't know if I could keep a cat totally indoors (though I totally, totally respect people who do and absolutely understand why they do it after going through the severe pain I have been though, so don't get me wrong!) Our own house is not entirely built yet, so a cat run is not in the works at least at the present moment.

The second problem is that I was so very, very lucky to find Ziggy - she was just one in a million, and I just don't think I would be that lucky again. You mentioned crotchety old cats - I had a cat that lived for 12 yrs and died from liver cancer. I loved her, of course I did - but she didn't like to be touched. She sat in her chair and preened herself all day. A few months before she died, she finally allowed me to get closer, but not before. She was very pretty, lovely company, and taught me many things, but my attachment to Zita, then Ziggy were sheer pure love, gratitude and affection. I love my Zeus also - he is very gentle and sweet - but Zita and Ziggy were the big personalities and the constant smiling rays of sunshine in my life.



Yes, the orange cats are special - so sweet and affectionate (well I'm sure there are a few crotchety ones as well). No cat I've met has ever been like Zita or Ziggy.

How do I feel now - I had accepted my loss of Zita and Ziggy helped me to do that - she was my "helper" cat. It wasn't that Ziggy replaced her, no cat could, but Ziggy had such a cute and funny character and an amazing funny purr that made everyone laugh that you couldn't help but love her. Ziggy distracted me from my grief. I was lucky to find her because if I'd just picked any cat (and even now I've had a few offers) I know I would have been very, very disappointed. So just running out and adopting another cat doesn't seem to be the answer. I have to say that losing Ziggy has brought back the grieving of Zita as well. But you get used to the changes in the house and those are the most painful parts. The most hurtful is to feed Zeus by himself. Feeding was such a big commotion for both the girl cats. So feeding is very lonely and quiet now. I do think it helps to post or just to write, even for yourself. A lot of people have told me to "let it go" about wanting to know what really happened to Zita. Well, like anyone who had a child or spouse or close relative go missing, I will always want to know what really happened. I think the main thing that helps to heal is getting used to new and different patterns, maybe even creating new patterns around daily household activities. Like at night and in the morning are the hardest times without Ziggy. At night she purred us her lovely song, and in the morning she always accusted us for dripping water from the tap. Nights are still hard, but now I let the dogs on the bed first thing just to put my mind a different direction. Keep in mind it's only been two months since I lost Ziggy.

I love your pictures - if you have any more, I'd love to see them. We had Ziggy only 8 months and I didn't take a lot of pictures, now I wish so much I had...

take care

Jan.

Hi Jan,

I will write more tomorrow. I am so exhausted from the sorrow I think I can finally sleep. I just wanted to say that I posted my last note and did not even see yours with the new picture until now. We must have been writing at almost the same time. The two of them cuddled together was so sweet it made me cry again( thats all I am good for nowadays) and I just wanted to scoop them up and give them a hug. Is there anything better to look at than a pair of contented , happy cats? If I ever get another cat I hope she looks just like Zita. I love her light points, they make her look so sweet. You must miss her terribly. Till tomorrow, thanks for the support. Barbara

Hi Barbara-------When I was a kid my dog Rags disappeared for 11 days and I thought I would never see him again and I was devastated.While we did not live in a rural area we did live in city where there was always alot of traffic and I thought for sure Rags got hit by a car and died.Turns out he was just roamin around for that whole awful 11 days.One afternoon I looked down the busy street and there was Rags.He looked like he had been through the ringer.I never saw him walk so slow and labored.I ran to him,picked him up and carried him home where he proceeded to plop down to the floor and sleep for the next 24 hours.Since you don't know for sure what happened to your baby I say do not give up hope.There is still a chance as we are dealing with the unknown.Speaking for myself I with add an extra prayer that your baby is returned safe and that all will be well.God bless your wonderful child.
Your friend on the forum.........Bubba..........Peace..........

Hi, oldenteeks, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved Gracie. I know what it is like to have a beloved companion disappear, and the uncertainty of not ever knowing what happened leaves your heart feeling so empty. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, oldenteeks, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you all Bubba , Moonbeam and anyone reading this. I have never joined a forum before and I have to say that just the short notes of sympathy mean so much. It is so nice connecting with people that love their furkids , I guess thats why we are all here. Trying to make sense of a tragedy in our lives . Grief is so personal but we all understand what the other is going through. Although I have put a flyer in every mailbox, with Gracies picture, for miles around I know that she is gone. There is no happy ending here. I am so jealous when I read about somebody's cat coming back home after being lost even though I rejoice for them in spirit. Unfortunately when you lose a cat in a rural area its a whole different thing. When you lose a cat by the suburbs there are so many different hopes you can have , especially for an indoor cat. I have read a lot about catching a missing cat, especially an indoor cat or recently moved cat that was so true. They reminded me of a fact of which I had forgotten. The cats frequently get so wigged out they will not come when you call them . This actually happened to me or I would not have believed it to be true. About 10 years ago when I had recently moved to a different house I had a cat get out. I called and called...nothing. I thought he was gone and put out the fliers. The neighbors across the street called and said they saw him at the edge of our property. It was a big property but I know he could here me calling from the house and all over the property from there. I left a can of food where they indicated which got eaten over night. Callled again all day . .Nothing. Went back that night with a can and here he comes out of the bushes. He was so happy to be back , he purred all night and slept on my head. So if anyone loses a cat please remember this story. You actually have to trap some of those cats and once you do they are so happy to see you but will not come to you.But losing an outdoor kitty in a rural area is scary. There are so few things that could happen and none of them good. I know a lot of people say " Oh my cat never leaves the property...meanwhile you see it down three streets every day but Gracie really did stay right around, That was her territory. She didn't leave so that means something took her away. I am so sad and miss her every second. I keep walking around looking for clues of her disappearance. Will write more soon....Thank you again.

Dearest Oldanteeks, my heart is breaking for you. Truly. Like I said before, it happened to me about 30 years ago with my most cherished fur baby kitty Srinigar who I called Srini for short. I live back in my home town now but was in a living in a very rural area in Arkansas at that time. Srini was an indoor kitty and ... It's a very long story. After Srini didn't come home, I kept having dreams about him being found. In fact, one Vet did call my house there after reading one of the fliers or the ad I had put in the paper having found a kitty that matched Srini's description to a tee. No, it wasn't Srini.

I swore to myself then and there that I'd never, ever allow myself to love a fur baby so much that I could feel such pain, grief, horror and devastation about how Srini may have met his fate. Then came Cocoa kitty. He was a treasure and I cherish every day I had with that most precious baby boy. Please know that you and Gracie remain in my thoughts and prayers as I wing many more Angels your way for Peace and guidance. I am so sorry, Dear One. So very sorry.

Tons of Comforting Hugs, Love and Many Angels to You and Your Fur Baby Gracie!!!

Always,
Dottie xoxoxox

Well I had a horrible dream last night, maybe because it is the one week anniversary of Gracie disappearing. I had a dream that she came home and I was so excited . She was purring so loud and was so happy. Then in my dream I realized that it was just a dream and now I almost feel like I lost her twice. This year we had a feral cat coming around that we named Harvey. He wouldn't let you pet him and was aggresive toward the other cats, wanting to fight . So we trapped him and thought getting him fixed would calm him down. The vet calls me and tells me he was already fixed, alot of his teeth were missing, he had fighting scars all over and she thought he was quite old. Just before this my partner Len was saying how he really misses having a girl cat around and I realized I did also. I am the only woman in the house. So I jokingly said we got the opposite of what we wished for ;an older aggresive male cat who won't let you touch him when we wanted a younger female sweet cat who was affectionate. That week we went to PA to buy something. While we were looking in the barn we heard an incredibly loud cry. The old guy we were with is half deaf and could not even hear it. So we got him to open the garage and little Gracie ran right up to me. The old guy said he hardly ever opens the garage but did that morning and she probably would have died there. People around there shoot stray cats all the time so we knew we had to take her, So I always said that sometimes you do get what you wish for and God had heard me. Now I feel like that happy memory of taking her out of there is gone. We got the perfect cat, We set her down in the house and she took it over and just seamlessly blended in with the household. Well on a happy note, Harvey now loves to be petted and has decided to move into the house. He used to claw at your hand if he saw it coming at him, I think his last owners must have hit him maybe when he was aggresive, but he has largely stopped that and realizes we would never do that. He now rarely leaves the house he loves to be inside. The other cats know to give him a little extra room and he only has a problem with one of my cats, they are both dominate males but I hope that gets better with time. Once again I am the only female in the house and I so miss my little sparkle Gracie. She was a gift I will always treasure. I like you Jan wish I had more pictures. I do have some video but it makes me cry.

Hi Barbara

I had those same dreams and the same feeling of horror upon awakening to still no Zita, and still not knowing what happened. I think our subconscious wants us to feel better and yet it is only temporary until we wake up. Also, maybe these are visits...

One thing I do want to mention is that a friend of mine had a cat go missing which she presumed was dead. Then about a week (or maybe 2) the cat showed up smelling like oil and very dehydrated and thin. Since Gracie got stuck in a garage before is there any possible place she could have got stuck?

When Zita went missing I went to every house in our neighbourhood asking people to check sheds, garages etc because in October sometimes people don't open them up so much. But no-one ever found anything.

What you say about saving Gracie being stuck in that garage to a likely death and you rescuing her makes me think a lot about how we "rescued" Ziggy. Ziggy was at the SPCA - she was so little and her coat was really dull. We watched her turn from a thin, rough looking cat to a beautiful shiny happy girl. I wonder if your Gracie "gifted" you with extra months of her life, which would have surely ended in that garage. My sweetest cats are the ones who have died young. Maybe this is the innocence and trust that puts them in danger, but maybe also they are gifted to us for a shorter period of time because their souls have a higher purpose. I just hope if I ever am able to adopt another sweet healing kitty I will be able to share a lot more time with them. But at this point I don't see that happening for some time for me.

Thank you for posting that beautiful pick of Gracie in the dandelions - what a sweet sunny girl!

I am with you in your loss, and I understand exactly what you are going through.

Jan

Hi jan,

I am really missing Gracie today. I washed a blanket that was on the window seat that she always liked to lie on and put it in the dryer. I thought it might pull some of her hair out on the lint screen and it might be a small remembrance. I did ask the neighbors to check the garages but most of the ones around here are pretty old and have lots of holes and cracks. I think the only reason she ended up in the garage is because she is so friendly. She obviously was not feral and the vet thought she was probably dropped off also because the vet thought her ears were so clean she might have been indoors. Not that I can imagine the monsters that would just leave a small bundle of love off at a building. I think she just followed him into the garage because she knew people were good and fed her and petted her. He just didn't see or hear her go in. I am sure if she had got locked in a barn around here she would have meowed way loud. Unfortunately I am really sure she got taken away. Here I go crying again. I would really like to adopt another cat . At my biggest family I had 10 cats, mostly strays that showed up at my old house. I lost six in the last 2 years and then got Harvey and Gracie. 10 was a lot to handle and at this time in my life I would like to have 6 or so. I know thats a lot but I always felt that I should have as many as I could handle and love because thats one more that got a loving home.I also never had human kids so they are my indulgences. They are the one thing in my life that is most important and my partner also. I have a very old cat Widget who is getting that very old cat look. I think it might be better to wait until Widget passes on before bringing another one in. Of course thats what I thought before and ended up bringing gracie in so who knows what will happen. I know eventually I need another girl in the house to spoil . I miss the little things like seeing her sleeping peacefully on the bed. It always gave me such satisfaction. I would reach down and kiss the side of her little sleeping face and she always loved that. I am still feeling depressed , no real motivation to do anything and I am supposed to be job hunting. Oh well too bad! It's hard to do much when you are sad. When one goes missing or also like in your case they are hurt by some terrible person it is especially hard to get over. When they die of "old age" it is really quite different. I have decided the next new cat is getting a tracking device on the collar. I think I need that extra piece of mind. I will go crazy if this would ever happen again. So many years without something like this , I think I got complacent . I am scared to let my other cats out but they were raised outside and would hate to be locked in. But I will never let them out too early or late ever again. When I leave the house I always rounded them up to come inside even during the day because my partner insisted, I always thought well we could leave them out its so nice but now I think he has the right idea. I have to be more vigilent even if they don't like it, they spend most of the time out anyway because he is always home. Thanks for the story on the adoption . It is amazing how they flower with love . It makes me want to go to the shelter now.l better control myself. Thanks for all your help. Here is a picture of Runt Runt her favorite brother who reminds me of your cats. He is a big mush pot of love and the one who let Gracie run all over him, so good hearted.
Barbara

Hi Barbara

Runt Runt looks a lot like my Zeusy.

I am posting a couple of pics of Zita and Zeus. They got a bit chubby because they starved during their first year and Zita was always afraid about getting enough food.

Click to view attachment





I think when you have all that love to give to pets, then why not share... We had 5 dogs and 3 cats together when my H and I met. Now we have 5 dogs (one different one) and 1 cat. The one cat part makes me feel very sad, but until I can find a way to keep my cats safer, I just can't get another. That saddens me a lot. I am also struggling with the vet bills. I have two elderly dogs and two dogs who have seizures. One of the seizure dogs should be checked for hypothyroidism and my other dog has stressed induced seizures. I don't have kids either, and my pets are my kids. I always thought I was doing something good for the pets I adopted, I have doubts about that with Zita and Ziggy because of their shortened lives. I loved them with all my heart but I couldn't protect them. Also I know what you mean about cats and outdoors. Outdoors can be so dangerous, yet all my cats loved the outdoors and so do I. Zeus seems to have reached a compromise with me. He goes out in the morning and comes back around noon and stays in. After Ziggy disappeared I had been keeping them in after dinner through to morning. Now I know it's not really safe here anytime. But Zeus is really miserable inside only since he's always had outdoor privileges. He's also very lonely. I often wonder if he feels the way I do, that "living dead" feeling. He seems to know when I'm really sad about Ziggy. When I have thoughts about her at night he'll often come onto the bed. Ziggy helped me to cope with Zita's loss too. Now Zeus and I are alone in our grief. Well, except for all of you wonderful people on the forum, for which I am ever so grateful.

I too have an old pet - our dog Rosie, who I know could go any day. I haven't been able to think about it much yet because it's been too much already with Ziggy and Zita. So I take one day at a time.

I know about the low motivation. I would rather live on rice or oatmeal than have to put out all the energy to make "big bucks" right now. A potential job has been presented to me, so we'll see what happens. It's an outdoor part time job that I know I would like, so we'll see if it pans out. I know that something methodical would probably help. I have a home based business and I have really not been very entreprenurial at all since Ziggy died.

I also agree about old age. I have been pretty okay at handling death by old age and even disease. Of course I grieved but I was never so gutted as when Zita went missing, and Ziggy being murdered - well if anyone wanted to hurt me to the core of my soul, that was the way to do it.

Where do you get a tracking device for a cat? Oh I would definitely get one. I have never heard of that. That and a surveillance camera around our property, after paying off all the vet bills, are on my list for sure.

I think your Runt Runt is a lot like Zeus and Gracie was like Ziggy or Zita. The orange tabby girls have something so special, that's for sure. Zeus is a typical "guy" cat - he let the girls run his life, and liked to have his outdoor adventures, though he is very sweet and gentle. The girls had the big personalities that made me smile so much. Zeus is quiet and understated. I think it's hard for me to see him and accept that he is alone. Yesterday my husband was cleaning in the pet food area and the extra bowl that was Zita's then Ziggy's got left out. It makes me feel so sad.

I think we both have to know that one day we will find another really special kitty. For me, it may be a long while as I sort out how to make cats safe here. Your story definitely encourages me that there are other special kitties like Ziggy and Zita. I really couldn't just go out and adopt any cat, and that sounds a bit snobbish, but I know that a special cat like Zita or Ziggy are hard acts to follow and I couldn't put a cat in that position unless I "knew" it was right. In the meantime I send out thoughts for a solution to keeping my cats safe and yet giving them the highest quality of life here. We have 3.8 acres and yet it still isn't safe. Hoping that somehow in some way it will work out and I'll be able to have a sweet smiling kitty office partner again... until then I love and appreciate my other pets every day that I have them.

take care and thinking of you.

Jan.

Hi Barbara, I'm still hoping for you, a happy reunion. It still may be possible. I had a cat that went missing for 16 days. She returned with a dislocated hip, yet lived another 12 yrs. My only regret was not searching the neighborhood. I had just given up all hope and one day there she was in the yard. Right now I have people in my life that don't want cats. My partner said the only way he will take another if it's indoor only and although I know the dangers, I can't bear to see them indoors all their lives. I don't, however, begrudge anyone who makes that decision. I wish I had the power to do so. In the meantime I'm hoping to get invovled in a volunteer program with my local shelter. I'm hoping I withstand the emotions and it will fill a void until the day I can have my own house full of cats. We pour all this love into them, protect them, care for them, and then in an instant they are gone. And we blame ourselves. I looked up those tracking devices once. I forget what the web site is, but do a search and I'm sure you'll find something. It's a small box attached to the collar(rather bulky for cats) and it works similar to a gps device. You can track them on your computer or cell phone. They are pricey 500.00 at least as far as I remember. Just really stopped by to let you know your in my thoughts.. Hugs..Ann

Hi Jan and Ann and anyone else out there,

You both have been such a big help and seem to know what am going through. It's so hard to keep the cats inside especially since I love to be outside in the garden and walking around doing projects. I can't imagine what it would be like not to have the cats walking around and inspecting everything I do. We used to call one of the old cats Inspector as a nickname because he was so interested in seeing what we were doing. When Gracie first disappeared I wanted to lock the cats up to satisfy my emotions but I had to realize that in 10 years of owning 10 cats we have never had a problem. Am I still worried...yes. Am I going to be more cautious ....yes. I have 16 acres and look what still happened. I know cars pass by and there is a risk from them but I can only hope for the best and I do yell at them if they go toward the front of the house to try to get them toward the back. Gracie was so good , she seemed to always want to stay in the back so I never worried too much about her getting in trouble. And another trouble got her. Life is a balancing act and sometimes we lose I guess. I just still can't believe she is gone.You are right they are gone in an instant. I also was thinking of volunteering at the animal shelter . I used to when I was younger but I am not sure I can handle it. There is a cat sanctuary here and we made screens for the windows so the cats could have fresh air and a roll cart to help the guy clean the litters but thats it. I have a problem of loving every animal I see and wonder if my emotions would be helped by going. I would like to try one day. Ann , I know you don't want a cat inside but what if you were to adopt one with special needs that has to stay inside anyway...maybe one with a bad eye or leg or something . They are usually so loving and you wouldn't have to feel guilty about keeping it in because thats where it would have to be and it would have a great life...just something to think about, I hate to think of someone without a cat Thanks for the pictures of Zita and Zeus, they look like best buddies and so sweet. By the way I know how those vet bills add up when my 6 went. Luckily my vet is pretty reasonable . Most of the cats ended up with cancer since they were so old and it was just keeping them comfortable and loved till the end. I have all their pictures up on the wall and depending on the day they make me smile or cry.I think the cats do know when you are down. My cats have been especially sweet to me as if they know I need them around . I hope Rosie stays healthy..I love that name. It's hard to watch them grow old. I was reading a bit about your dogs....wow 5 of them thats great. I bet that keeps you busy. I grew up with dogs and cats but for some reason we have only had cats. At first we had no room and now it seems like it would be hard with all the cats. Maybe one day! I was looking at the tracking devices and it seems like that they don't have the gps one to the right size for cats yet. There was one in England that looked good so its only a matter of time till they get one in the states. Until then they have a radio control device thats a little tag you attach to their collar. It is not great but looks like to will show you if they are in the area and direct you toward them until you figure out where they are called the Loc8ter or something like that. It sounds like something to help give you a little piece of mind. At least you could search different areas and see if you get a signal. At the worst it might have helped me pinpoint Gracie's body if it was around. I think on ebay they are not bad and i thought one I saw online not sure if its the Loc8tor will let you know if they go out of the safe zone. For 100.00 it might help my anxiety. My partners parents always want to know what we want for Christmas and that might be it. I saw a video on Utube about a guy saying he was going to find his black cat at night using the device. To my horror he opened the door and in the backround you see tons of headlights on what looked like a highspeed road , It was so busy. Well he went out and found her with this device but I couldn't believe he let the cat out by that road and it never got hit. And here I am scared of the few cars a day that go by. Oh well. When I get a chance I want to read more of both of your's threads. I love the pictures and I love the teenage time pictures. We don't get to see them that thin for too long do we? I know my cats got big and round in no time. take care and thanks for the words of support...the "we lost the best kitties ever" club...I hope there are no more members. Barbara Heres a picture of Petey who is Runt Runt's brother.

Hi Ann and Barbara - I know exactly what you feel about indoor only. Like Barbara said, I really enjoyed my cats being around with me as I gardened or did outside things. I am wondering now if there is more than one person shooting pets in this area - I hate to think that, but Ziggy was shot with a high powered airgun, while the dog that was shot several blocks away was shot with a pellet gun. I can't believe anyone can just go and buy these things. Apparently a kid was killed just a couple of weeks ago in another community - see this story - http://www.cbc.ca/canada/british-columbia/...es.html?ref=rss

From April 2006 - August this year, just over two years, we have lost 3 young healthy cats, so I feel it's just too dangerous here. It makes me hate living here since my pets are what I live for. The first was killed by the neighbour's dog, who has since died. Then of course I don't know what happened to Zita for sure, and Ziggy in broad daylight in the afternoon was shot. Barbara said about people saying cats were homebodies, yet you see them at the end of the road and I know what you mean. Zita was more of an explorer but she always came home. Ziggy on the other hand, never even saw the fields of our acreage. Her territory was really just around the house. She must have gone just outside the gate when she was shot, either that or she was shot right on our property. I do really hope somehow that person fesses up one day and I find out what happened. Everyone says this is unlikely, but I still hope that their conscience will not let them forget what they did, if they actually have any semblance of one.

Barbara - good idea about Xmas present suggestions. I'll look up that name on ebay and see what's there. I still would also like to get a spy camera of sorts to put near our property. I don't know what good that will do now that Ziggy's dead, but maybe it's a way to see who is walking by and whether they have a gun. I still miss Ziggy so much. I accept that she's gone, well sort of, since I still have her stuff around me in the office, but I still think it's all so unfair. I will forever have a poster up on our rural mailboxes so that if that person does live in the area they will always be reminded. It might be time to change that poster soon and remind people of the kid that died from a pellet gun wound.

Haha, Barbara what you said about them not being thin long - that was true with Zita particularly. I have heard it called "shelter belly". I called Zita my "pumpkin" because she was so bright orange and round. She had a very hard start in life. She and Zeus were brought to the SPCA because their owner would leave them alone for weeks at a time to fend for themselves and they started following the man who lived nearby. So Zita would always eat as much as she could but also she let Zeus eat most of her food because she was so sweet. Ziggy put a stop to that habit though - she was very motherly and let him know that her bowl was her own, and he respected that. I hope somehow I can work out some semblance of safety for cats so that I can one day adopt another (or maybe two - an animal communicator said Ziggy and Zita are coming back to me, how I wish I could believe that!)

And I agree about the losing our "best kitties ever" club and wish there would never be another member....

take care

Jan.

p.s. I love the picture of Petey. I love Runt Runt's eyes as well.

Hi, I like that special needs kitty idea. If one comes along he/she may be mine. Thanks..Ann By the way love those pictures!.