I lost my dear,sweet dog Cleo Saturday morning. She was a 10 year old spaniel mix that I rescued from a shelter as a puppy. I ache so deeply, my stomach is in a knot, my heart is broken and I alternate between hysteria and numbness because it hurts too much. I loved her so much that I was keenly aware how horrible it would be to lose her, and now that has happened.

It happened so quickly that I am still in shock. She seemed listless Friday night and then we saw our other dog Rufus curl up next to her on the floor. They NEVER had snuggled together like that so I immediately became concerned that other dog knew something I didn't. I lay with Cleo on the floor petting her, loving her, worried that something might be really wrong. I was sick and it was late and the kids were asleep, so my husband took her to the ER vet after I noticed she seemed to have a tremor. She had a seizure as he carried her into the vet. They put her on an IV and gave her some valium then ran blood and urine tests that showed her protein was low, she was anemic, had low blood pressure but nothing specific. Later an ultrasound, then finally an x-ray as she continued to decline in the early morning. I spoke with the vet on the phone and he said there was a spot on her lungs that was very likely cancer and she was very listless and dull. He did not tell me that she was actively dying, so, although I was very upset, I didn't know just how bad it was. My husband had plans to bring her to our own vet in 2 hours but she never made it. I had to find a sub for my work before I could join them- I was sobbing an frantic. My husband and two little boys got to see her but she was already unconscious and then she stopped breathing and then started again but the vet said that she was going fast and that it would be best to put her to sleep. I arrived about 50 minutes later. She was still warm and I hugged and kissed her and told her sorry I was for a long time. I couldn't believe she was gone so fast. I wasn't ready, would never have been ready, but still thought she had several years left.

I got Cleo before I had children and she truly was my first baby. The first three years on her life she was well a behaved princess and we doted on her constantly. She never ran away, rarely destroyed things, never scratched or whined. She was always SO happy to see you and had bright brown eyes and a wagging, feathery tail. Then we got a 2nd dog, had 2 children and she was crowded out of the spotlight. She never complained, was never pushy, didn't seem resentful. She deserved more attention the past few years than she got and for that I feel sad. I never loved her any less but I'm sure it might have felt that way. So I feel some guilt for that.
The most guilt is that I wish I had seen the cancer sooner. There were so many signs, looking back. She had slowed down so much, her coat looked dry and dull, she kept having bouts of vomiting and diahrrea. I took her in at least 4 times to the vet and each time we did bloodwork and treated her for parasites or gave her some antibiotic. The last time, just 2 weeks ago, the vet suggested an ultrasound and x-ray, so that was our plan next. I have to think that knowing 2 weeks ago probably wouldn't have changed anything, but knowing 6 months ago might have. I kept just thinking she was getting old, not dying. Recently she had only been sleeping on the floor instead of on our guest room bed. She would stay in her bed for 12 hours in a row and we'd have to coax her to go outside. I feel ashamed that I did not do more aggressive diagnostics earlier. I will never know if it would have mattered. My ONLY consolation is that in going so quickly, I did not have to make the awful decision to end or extend her life when I knew she was suffering, or put her through lots of treatments that may have only given her an extra month or two for my own selfishness. I would have done anything for her. Anything.

I am just SO sad. I am trying hard not to beat myself up and second guess everything. I am trying to focus on just being sad that she is gone and not agonizing over an earlier diagnosis. I am trying to think of the happy times and all her adorable quirks and loving, generous nature. I know it will get better over time. I wish I could feel some comfort and peace. I wish Cleo would give me a sign that she's ok. I didn't mean for this post to be so long. Sorry. I also extend my deep sympathy for all the other stories posted here-each one makes me cry anew and I know we are not alone in our grief. Thanks for listening.

Dear Cleo'smom, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved Cleo. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the cir%%stances or how long we have had the blessing of their company. Please do not feel guilty about not knowing sooner about the cancer. Two years ago my number one kitty son Eli was spending more time inside with me during a very hot summer, and I thought it was just that - - it was too hot for him outside. He was 6 years old. It was getting time for his annual physical in September, and I noticed that he was becoming fussy about eating. I thought he might have a bad tooth. I never ever suspected what the x-ray revealed: A massive abdominal tumor. He had emergency surgery the next day which resulted in the removal of his right kidney because it was totally cancer involved. He survived the surgery, and the pathology report confirmed the news: End Stage Lymphoma. He was still fighting, and with the consult of my regular vet and another vet opinion, I opted for palliative chemo treatments for 6 weeks. He did get to feel better some, and it gave us 2 more months post chemo treatments together. His little adopted kitty brother was trying so hard to keep Eli happy, but 24 days before Christmas it was obvious that Eli needed to go home to the angels. Cancer is a horrible illness in our companions. It overtakes them and it is only by the time that the symptoms become so obvious that something is not right, the diagnosis is usually very grim. You always took care of your Cleo to the very best of your ability, and she knew that. She was a part of your growing family, and was wise to the reasons for the many changes in routines, etc. My heart breaks for you because I know how you are feeling, but please know Cleo knows that you love her, always have and always will, and she loves you, too. Unfortunately we do not have the gift of foresight, only the benefit of hindsight, and it is the hindsight that is the root cause of the guilt we feel - - the "what if I had" and "if only I had" and "why didn't I" and "I should have", etc.. This is part of the normal grief journey but hopefully you will come to a peace in your heart that you always did the very best you could with the information you had at the moment. Cleo'smom, this grief journey has many twists and turns and ups and downs, but please know you are not alone in your grief journey. Please know you are among friends here who will be with you for as long and as often as you need us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Cleo'smom, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Cleo's Mom,

I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful Cleo. I recently lost my dog Woody. My wife took him and our other dog, Smokey, for a walk three weeks ago and Woody pulled the leash out of my wife's hand and ran into the street where he was hit by a car. They couldn't do anything for him at the emergency clinic and my wife made the very difficult decision to let him go. I went out in the morning and had two dogs and when I came home I only had one. I didn't get to say good-bye either and that hurt me very much. I know what you mean about beating yourself up regarding an earlier diagnosis. If I had gotten home one hour earlier, I would have been the one to take Woody and Smokey for their walk and Woody woudn't have gotten away from me. I don't blame my wife, Woody was too strong for her.

I just read a book about pet loss and one of the things that it said was that there is no way that I could have known that Woody was going to get hit by a car that day so not coming home an hour earlier was not neglect on my part. There was no way I could have known. You are doing the right thing about not agonizing over an earlier diagnosis. We feel that Woody did give us a sign that he is okay on a couple of occasions. They were quick for us so you have to pay attention but Cleo may very well let you know that she is okay now. Once again I am so very sorry that you lost your beautiful girl.

Steve K.

Hi Cleo's Mom, I so sorry for your loss. Cleo is a beautiful angel. Please don't beat yourself up over an early diagnosis. It's easier saying that now looking back. All the should haves eat away at us. You shared a strong love for 10 happy years. You are blessed. It may not seem long, it never does, it goes by so fast. My sister in law just found out her Nala has cancer. It is spreading and fast. They gave her a month if she hasn't passed already. I think about this alot, what is worst, or best, to have them go fast, or to hold on to each breath they take for as long as you can knowing you'll have to let them go. I've been thru both and to me it's the same; it hurts real bad. You gave Cleo a super happy life and she loved you very much for that. Hugs to you and your family...Ann

Cleo's Mom, the picture of Cleo shows the loving, kind and wise dog she was. Those qualities glow from her photo. she is a beautiful little girl. I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my sweet Athena in July to cancer.She was 12 yrs old and I thought I had a few more years with her too, because her last check up just a few months earlier, she was in perfect health. Cancer is a vicious disease that strickes out of the blue. Dogs hide when there are not well, its their nature to do so. Unfortunetly we don't know there is anything wrong untill its too late. Even though you knew she was feeling off and took her to the vet, they didn't know what was wrong with her. It sounds like your home is full of love and I doubt she ever felt she was not getting enough attention. What more could a dog want than a home with a doteing Mom and Dad, 2 boys and a brother dog? Sounds like the perfect home for a little princess. From what I have been reading, most people have feelings of guilt of one kind or another when a pet passes. Please try not to add to your grief with missplaced guilt. If only every dog and cat could have a home as loving as yours, it would be a much better place. Prayers for healing peace for you and your family...Ava Please let us know how you are all doing

I am so sorry that your loss your dear sweet Cleo. From her picture I can see that she was a beautiful and loving girl. I can just imagine how happy she was when you adopted her. You provided her with a loving home, and gave her a great life. In time your grief will, ease and the wonderful memories you shared will come flooding back. I try and look at our pets as a special gift from above. But, some day we must give them back. However, they leave pawprints on our hearts forever.

I lost my white lab Lizzy to cancer one year ago tomorrow. She had always been healthy, and I was shocked the day I found the tumor on her tummy. She had just had blood work done a month prior when I had her teeth cleaned. She showed no symptoms of having cancer. The prognosis was grim...the vet said maybe 6 weeks. He was cold and uncaring when he delivered the news. I found a better vet, although the tumor was still inoperable. Meds helped to temporarily shrink the tumor. At 9 1/2 Liz still played like a puppy. She would wake me up at 5am with her ball in her mouth. We made every day special until the end. I admired Lizzy's zest for life and the incredible strength she had. She sent me a new baby lab this past Jan. Mandy joined my other lab Elly and they have me laughing every day.

Please be comforted knowing that we all care about you, and have been through the pain. I wish you and your family peace during this difficult time.

Dear Cleo's Mom: I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet Cleo...what a beautiful dog! I lost my beloved kitty Fate to lung cancer last week and also without any warning. My wife called at 8 pm while I was on a business trip saying she was taking Fate to the emergency vet....there had been no warning that anything was wrong. I made it back to the vet at 1 am just in time to sob through my goodbyes. I know the gut-wrenching agony you are feeling but I can tell you that there are many very caring people here who understand and will help you through this. Please don't feel guilt about what happened....children and second dogs are all normal and I'm sure Cleo was delighted to have more friends to play with. And we can't beat ourselves up about not diagnosing cancer in our little guys...we are only human. I'll be thinking about you today and hope you can find some comfort and will be able to think about the wonderful times you had with Cleo.

Hi Cleo's Mom---------Just another voice on this forum to let you know you are definetly NOT alone in this awful crisis you are in.You,like all of us here have incredible and eternal bonds with our non-human babies,the likes of which others will never understand.What you said in your first paragraph describes my reaction to the recent death of my baby to a 'T'.It has been a month and a half and I get the pyhsical reactions you describe and others as well.I think these are common as others have spoke of similar reactions here on LS.My emotions have gone in every direction.This baby I just lost was my adult life 'heart' baby.There was one other when I was a kid that I had for 17 years.I have had a number of baby dogs along the way and I dearly love them all but these two are those 'special' ones.If you haven't already,If I may suggest, read a short poem-like piece entitled:'The Rainbow Bridge" it can be googled and will be a source of great comfort at this gut wrenching time you are going through.Also I have just finished a book entitled:Cold Noses At The Pearly Gates' by Gary Kurz.My swift blue-collar review is that it has LITERALLY kept me from going insane over the loss of my baby boy Willy.God bless you friend.Like Steve said watch for signs.Be open to them.As AngelCareOne says:It's all just one breath away.And she is right.God love baby Cleo,
Your friend.................Bubba.........................

Thanks to all of you for your kind words. Reading them and hearing your stories is very comforting and I appreciate all of you for writing. My hearts go out to each of you and your own losses. All of our pets were truly lucky to be so deeply loved! I am still very sad, but trying hard not to replay the past 6 months as much and trying more to focus and happy memories of my Cleo and looking at pictures. Bless you all and your dear furry loved ones too!

I am so sorry about your loss. I love that picture of Cleo. She is a beautiful girl. You have received some very good advice here from what I have read and there is not much to add.
Just to let you know..you have many friends here who truly understand and care.

you said: I am trying hard not to beat myself up and second guess everything. I am trying to focus on just being sad that she is gone and not agonizing over an earlier diagnosis. I am trying to think of the happy times and all her adorable quirks and loving, generous nature. I know it will get better over time. I wish I could feel some comfort and peace.

You have the right idea. Yes, it will get better over time. You will feel comfort and peace knowing Cleo is at peace.

You are on the right path to healing....it takes time and baby steps. We cannot change what has happened but we can be grateful we had them in our lives. What they give us is simply irreplaceable and unique for each baby.

Take care....you will be okay and anytime you want to come here and express your thoughts and your feelings....we are always listening.

Dear Cleo's mom,

Please let me add my sincere condolences to you. I'm sorry I didn't post earlier but I haven't been posting as often lately. Cleo looks so adorable, I can understand how much she will be missed.

Please hang in there and know you will be in our thoughts.

Take care and again, I'm so sorry for your loss of your prescious furkid.

My sweet Cleo has been gone 12 days now and I got her ashes back from the vet Tuesday night. I couldn't go alone so my mom went with me. She loved Cleo too and was having a hard time because she did not get the chance to say goodbye. In addition to ashes the ER vet also gave me a pawprint of Cleo's pressed in clay. I was so surprised and touched-it was unexpected but really felt like a little piece of her too. I was overwhelmed with mixed emotions. Sad to thinking of her sweet little paw with the nails I could never keep short but happy to have an extra memento that I didn't expect.

Although I have been doing a little better each day (thanks to 2 children, another dog and husband) today has been extra hard. I have been looking at lots of pictures and ordering new ones often. My husband loved Cleo, but not the way I did and he has completely moved on, so that is very hard for me some days. I just like talking about her or tell him that our 2 year old said "I miss l'il Key-o" and he says nothing. Luckily my Mom is nearby and she will talk with me about Cleo any time I want.

Question to others-what did you do with your loved ones body or ashes? Part of me wants to keep them in tact, in my home. Burying them in the backyard bothers me because I will feel that I would be leaving her if we moved, even though I know her spirit has left her body. I might spread some at Lake Michigan where Cleo spent some very lovely vacation time each summer. Love to hear your ideas.

Thanks to all of you and your kind words.

Jennifer, Cleo's Mom

One more picture-she loved to go on car trips.