I don't even know how I can get through this...but my mother-in-law suggested I use this site. My beautiful, amazing, EVERYTHING! min pin passed away this morning. She was only 4 years old. I still don't understand how this could have happened. She became sick yesturday afternoon, and I had the hardest time getting help because my husband and I just moved here, and it is a small town. I finally rushed her to a vet that would treat her...and they had to IV her, warm her up, get her heart rate up...etc. Apparently she was in shock. I had to leave her at the vet...which was the hardest thing to do, but I got a call at 9pm that she had stabilized. I received a call at 10am that she had passed away. The vet still was not sure what the cause was, but assumed it was toxemia. However I keep such a close eye on my dogs outside..however Penny needs to chomp on nearly everything...I still don't know what she may have gotten. My husband just deployed to Afghanistan less than two weeks ago, we just moved to North Dakota, I don't know anybody here...and I feel so lost. My husband called this morning as the vet was on the phone, and I had to tell him. She was his baby girl...I don't know how he's handling it. My dogs are everything to me. My other dog, Jax, clearly knows, and they have never been apart. Nothing will ever be the same. I honestly don't know how I can get through this. I can't believe she's gone. I feel like this just can't really be true. I don't know what to do. I love you Penny....

I am so sorry for your loss! It is such a shock when an emergency happens and then you have no time to prepare. The beginning of the grief process is tremendously difficult. Please keep coming back here. The support here is unbelievable. Everyone here understands and is here to listen.

Please take care of yourself.

Hi, Shannon, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved Penny. Losing a beloved furchild is never easy regardless of the cir%%stances or how long we have been blessed with their company. Your loss is compounded by the suddenness of Penny's illness, the absence of your husband who has been deployed to a dangerous situation, and the fact that you are alone in new surroundings -- and this is basically your first "introduction" to the community. I have been there under different cir%%stances, and I feel your sorrow. There are no words that can adequately comfort you right now - - the shock of the events is understandably overwhelming. Did the vet suggest a necropsy to possibly help identify the source of Penny's sudden illness? Or at least doing a blood panel to rule out anything toxic she may have gotten into? "Understanding" what happened may be helpful in the long run, but for now it means nothing to a heart that is shattered with grief. But even though you are in a new community please know you are not alone in your grief journey. We are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. Shannon, please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

the vet said I could "send" her for a full evaluation, but he stated that he had given her a liquid (coal) to absorb any toxins, so since that had been in her system a long time, there may be inconclusive results. It's hard for me to do anything. I can't eat, can't sleep, she's everywhere I look.

Dearest Shannon, I cannot talk yet. Am speechless. Please Forgive! So, I did make this and hope that you and Penny like it. Will be back when I can speak. Big Hugs!!!







Tons of Hugs, Love, Peace and Angels to You and Penny!!!

Always,
Dottie xoxoxox

Shannon, I am so very sorry. It is so hard to loose a loved fur friend. The pics of them are so precious. I wish there was something to say to magically take the heartache away. Its been my experiance that only time can mend the hurt. Those of us here know the emptiness you feel. Little Jax will need extra doses of hugs and love. LS can be a shoulder to lean on in your time of sorrow. You and your husband will be in my thoughts and prayers, and Jax too. Hugs, Ava

Thank you Dottie...
needless to say, I'm just sitting here at my computer. I don't know what else to do with myself. Will I ever stop crying?

{{{{{{{Shannon}}}}}}} You are so welcome. I am also sitting here at my computer looking at your precious fur baby Penny and crying so hard, too. That's why I can't talk. I'm sure you'll stop crying eventually but I certainly can't say when that will be, Dear One. Please know that you and Penny are in my thoughts and prayers and I wing many Angels to soothe and guide you through what must be just about the most gosh awful difficult time in your life.

More Big Hugs!!!

Always,
Dottie xoxoxox

here's another pic of my little girl. There will never be another like her...

Hi, Shannon, yes, the charcoal would absorb toxins, but if the vet had enough blood left over from the initial screening he could possibly send that - - it's amazing what forensic technology can do these days. Also, her organs may still be able to reveal "something" - - give a clue or lead as to what happened. I know there are snakes in your State - - could she have encountered one? We have poisonous snakes here in my area - - rattlers and copperheads - - along with Black snakes - - and because of the severe drought in our area the snakes have been more active and (in)visible. A couple of people in the city have been bitten just working in their flower gardens. Some flowers and plants are highly toxic - - etc.. Of course, doing the necropsy may add more to your trauma than not. And the goal now is to try to help you find some form of comfort that will help you through this horrible tragedy. My only other "thought" I have is that doing the necropsy - - if it is still possible - - might be able to help you with Jax - - if it was something in the yard you could get rid of it, etc.. Shannon, I know your heart is totally broken, and your mind is reeling from everything - - the move, your husband's oversea's assignment, being in a strange community, and the totally unexpected loss of your beloved Penny. Please know that what you are feeling is normal, and you are not alone in your grief. My heart is breaking for you for I have been where you are - - under different cir%%stances - - but similar enough to have a good idea how you are feeling. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please keep us posted as to how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Shannon , I have lost quite a few pets over the years,and I promise you this debth of sorrow won't last forever. You will always remember and miss Penny but the heart wrenching pain will subside. Not long ago after the death of my Athena, I felt I could not go on. I felt my world would never ever be the same. But with time and alot of time here reading peoples posts, I have began to feel alive again. I can't express myself as well as others do here, but my heart breaks with you for your loss. Ava

Thanks moon beam. I have to go to the vet tomorrow to pay them (which will be difficult because...well...she's gone) but I'll ask about those options. When I received the call this morning, I couldn't even think.

Oh My Gosh! She is so adorable, Shannon!

More Hugs!!!

Always,
Dottie xoxoxox

Shannon, please know that whatever you decide about the necropsy you did the absolute best for Penny, and Penny knows that. You got her to the vet as soon as you possibly could. Unfortunately we do not have the gift of foresight, only the benefit of hindisight, and the hindsight can be a source of inflicting guilt on our hearts - - even when we know there was absolutely nothing more we could do, could have done, should have known, etc.. I only hope this vet is being supportive and comforting to you. Please know you are not alone - - I know I've said this in each of my posts, but I do know what it is like to feel so absolutely devastated that no matter how many people are around the total feeling of isolation is overwhelming. We are here for you, Shannon. Please let us know how it goes tomorrow, and please know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

I am so deeply sorry for your loss. It seems exceptionally hard when it it so sudden like that. Penny is so beautiful. You and Jax need eachother right now. I'm sure he is just as sad and very confused. It must be very hard to be in a new place and to have this happen and no one to turn to. Please post often. We all know the pain you are going thru right now. Please do not feel guilty about what happened. You did the best you could in getting her in for some treatment. I know what you mean about the vet bill. It's like a double whammy to the head. My baby's gone and I owe you what??????? I remember being so distraut after Arthur died they could have asked me for my life savings and I would have given it to them. I am so sorry you are going thru this and hope you find comfort here.. Many hugs..Ann

Shannon: I want to add my voice to those expressing their deep sorrow for your loss. I lost my kitty Fate last week and I fully understand the gut-wrenching and numbing pain you are feeling. But keep coming back to this site, there are some wonderful people here who will help you get through this hard time and help you turn your grief in a positive direction.

Chuck

I fell asleep on and off last night...I was holding her monkey toy and sleeping on her blankie. My husband had asked me to send him some things he needs while he's deployed, and I felt like I was going mad lastnight...I was walking around in a frenzy trying to keep my hands and my head in motion. I think I was putting off going to bed without her. I decided to put a toy and some pictures in the box...I know it'll probably be hard for him, but I think it will help him. I have to go to the vet today, and I'm feeling physically sick...and I'm trying to get dressed for work. But I don't feel like doing anything.

Shannon, hang in there. I am feeling your pain, just try to put one foot in front of the other and try to think about the good things and times you had with Penny. I sat down Saturday night and wrote down a long list of things I remembered about my kitty and while it made me cry again it also helped me and I know there are a lot of things I don't want to forget. I'll be thinking about you today.

Chuck

I'm having a very hard time. I just got back from the vet. They seemed so cold toward me...just business as usual. I looked down and was standing on the very spot I had sent Penny down. I knew her body was there in that building, and I almost wanted to ask to see her, but then I knew that would make it worse. I left and feel almost more pain than I did yesturday. It's sinking in. All i do is think about the fun, amazing, hilarious times with her...she can't be gone.

I'm so very sorry to hear about Penny. I agree with Moonbeam's suggestions about trying to find out the cause..if it was something she ate. You said you are in a new town, in a new place, and there could be something in the area that caused this. I know you don't want Jax to be attracted to anything that could cause this to happen.

It is especially terrible to have this happen when you just moved there. I used to not think of outside plants, etc until we moved to our current area in a new State. I was getting sick from something in the heater each year it was first turned on..until we got a new one.
I was being allergic to what I found out was a berry plant outside my office window. It is amazing that just moving to a new area caused such problems..but it did.

It does make it worse to have the people at the vet treat it all as business as usual....we figure most of the world is cold enough about such things but we do expect people working with animals everyday....will show some understanding of the pain we are in....it doesn't stop the pain but it feels like our feelings and our precious one who is now gone...was respected. That doesn't seem like too much to ask.

Because your pictures showed Penny and Jax looked so much alike and being together...I am sure he feels just as lost as you do. If he knew what had happened he would also feel the pain you do but right now, being a furbaby, all he can be is confused.

It is the shock of how quickly it all happened that makes it so much worse. My experience with my Little Guy was my first ER shock and instant decision of something that completely came out of the blue. He was my last one and we came home that day to...nothing.
You will cry and cry until you feel physically exhausted...then it will come again. You have to take everything one day at a time and baby steps at a time. You are allowed to grieve. It is okay to cry..to feel lost..to have so many different feelings.it is okay. You and Jax can find comfort in each other. Sleeping with Penny's toy....any comforting idea is okay to do...anytime.


you said: There will never be another like her...

That is so very true. Each one of these furbabies are completely unique and there truly cannot be another like the one taken from us. We can only be grateful we were allowed to have them in our lives for the time given to us. It will be the good, happy, healthy memories that help us heal. It all takes time. We have to do what we feel helps us...when we grieve. Until we truly get physically exhausted. Then we try to take it all one day at a time and get through that day. I know, for me, after a while I was so tired of hurting that I forced my mind to think about what could possibly make me feel better (knowing I can't bring my special one back) and since my home was completely empty...I decided I wanted to give a home to another special one who needed one, who needs to be loved and loves back. This worked for me to ease the pain. It never truly goes away but it does become bearable and not overwhelming more times than not.

Years ago..I had two dogs and had to lose one and coming home to the other one meant so very much. I, too was in a strange city, having just moved from another area. I was not married so it was me and 2 furbabies. My 2nd baby was with me quite a while and really helped me. That's why I can see you and Jax (both having Penny in your lives) finding a comfort with each other. Maybe take Jax and Penny's toy and blankie next time.....

I hope your vet can find the cause. It was something that happened so quickly....and you did everything you could for her. She knows that. She will always be a part of your heart and your life. Anything that helps distract from the pain...when you want to distract from it (sometime we just want to cry and that's okay too).....is what I would try to think of.

Remember, Jax lives in the moment. He does not think like we do of what happened before. All he knows today is today. He knows you are upset and sad and wishes he could help but doesn't know how..except by just being there...waiting..until you scoop him up and tell him it will be okay (and just maybe....by saying it to him...will be a baby step for you to believe it too).

Hugs to you and your family. It is doubly heartbreaking that your husband is where he is at this time. Come here and talk anytime. There are always many here listening because we all know the pain and sometimes we can reach back and take the hand of one who has begun the road of pain...a place we were not that long ago...and just maybe we can help them through the worst of it.....because we understand that..being there more than once.....and for everyone who has ever lost a special one...just the idea that you are not alone and so many others truly understand how you feel....there is such a special warm feeling knowing that......a feeling that truly helps ease some of the pain and maybe help us keep our feet on the path toward healing and keep us from straying aimlessly which can be so upsetting when we don't know how to stop that.

I wish you peace and healing. Your Penny is a special Angel who will never leave you again. She is a part of your heart and your live and will never be forgotten and will be truly missed forever. But we are always grateful they did come into our lives and we would never trade not knowing them.....to avoid the sadness that always awaits in the future. We just hope that future is so very far away.

Thank you LoveThem. Jax is definitely my pillar right now. Sometimes when I completely break down, he trotts off and lies in his kennel, but he comes right back to curl up with me. Both those dogs really are like my children. My husband, jason, and I do everything with them, and they are both soooo loved (although in different ways, because they are different). What's tough is that my husband got Penny after he first commissioned in the air force. I was still living up north, and he had to move to Tucson. Penny was his baby. When I finally got to move down, she immediately was mine as well. We got Jax right before jason had to leave for 3 months, so I raised Jax from a puppy. Jax has always been slightly more bonded to me, and Penny to her daddy. But when he leaves, she becomes my little motherhen and watch dog. She's what makes me feel safe, and I never feel alone when I'm cuddled on the couch with Penny curled up by my stomach, and jax behind my legs. It's just the comfort of life...

I'm a little worried to leave Jax alone right away. I know he lives in the moment, but he still senses something. Today I gave him a chew stick...and when I used to do that, Pen and Jax would chase eachother around and swap sticks. He started running with the stick, but just came back and dropped it. It was hard to watch. And yesturday I went out to the car to put it in the garage, and I brought the blankie penny had been wrapped in, and when I came in the front door, Jax was hopping all over excitedly, and when I put the blankie down, he sniffed it, scratched at it, lifted it with his head...and finally just stopped and stared at it. I know he was looking for Penny. I know that will happen and it will take some time for him. At least he also has our two crazy cats to chase. It's just tough..... nothing will bring her back and I'm realizing that as the shock of her being gone is wearing off. now it's the "what if's" and "why did I do that" and more "what ifs". I know I can't do that to myself....but in some ways I figure I should let myself feel the guilt so I can move past it.

Shannon, I am deeply sorry to hear of the loss of your baby Penny. Thank you for posting the pictures of her. She was a beautiful girl and I know you loved her very much. It must be even harder for you, because you aren't sure what caused her to become ill. But, please know that often times our pets hide illness from us. You have some beautiful pictures and many memories of Penny to cherish. Know that we are all here to support you in anyway we can. I wish you peace during this difficult time.

Hi, Shannon, I am so sorry that the vet was so cold to you. Penny's sweet living Spirit will always be a part of you and your life - - nothing can ever change that. Two years ago when my number one kitty son Eli joined the angels his little kitty adopted brother missed him so much, and still does, but in time our little household did finally make the adjustment to the absence of Eli's physical presence with us. Noah has taken on some of Eli's mischievous traits, bless his little heart, and this may very well happen with Jax, too. But it will in no way diminish Jax as his sweet individual self, nor does it diminish my Noah's individuality. Shannon, this grief journey is difficult under less stressful cir%%stances, but you are in the midst of so many changes at one time, and I know the loss of Penny is especially very devasatating for you. Please know each of us are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Shannon, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Shannon,

I am so very sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my Woody (four years old) three weeks ago and the pain of the loss has subsided only ever so slightly but it has diminished. I can see that Penny was a beautiful girl and I can say that I know exactly how you feel. Our other dog Smokey acted similar to your Jax. He was looking for Woody and wouldn't eat but we gave him lots of attention and he has has our two cats to keep him company. After three weeks he seems a little better and I'm hoping that Jax will will adjust too. I went through all of the "what ifs" and the "why's" too and I beat myself up pretty good. Try not to do that to yourself too much. Coming to this site was the best help for me because all of the people here have experienced the loss of a furry friend and they all care and they want to help. Keep coming back and post as much as your heart tells you to, it helps to get it out. Penny took a piece of your heart when she left and time will help to heal your pain but that piece of your heart is hers forever. Once again, I am so sorry for your loss. God bless.

Steve K.

Shannon

I know your pain all too well. Why these tragedies happen I don't know, but they do. It has been over 6 weeks since my Ziggy cat was shot and then died 5 days later. I lost my other dear sweet cat Zita - she went missing and I know she was killed, but not positive how - in October last year. I was distracted from the grief of losing Zita by my sweet, appreciative Ziggy. She was a homebody, how she ended up just in the wrong place to get shot, then having exactly the wrong vet who did the wrong things I just don't know. The joy we feel because we love our pets so much is exactly why we feel such incredible pain of loss.

For me it comes in waves, though I have to say I have not felt the same or been the same since Ziggy was murdered. Losing a young pet is very traumatic - Ziggy was 5, Zita was 3 years old. My very best friend Merlin, an aussie x dog died at 17. I grieved deeply, yet I knew that his body could no longer sustain him and he had given me so many wonderful years - he even played dog agility up until the age of 15 years old, and still played "tunnelers" until months before he died. He would get this spark in his eye since he always love to "perform" and start running through those tunnels - it was a site to see. Merlin was very special. He could say "I wan' one" and we sang a duet together once in a pet trick competition (we won third price). I have so many happy memories with Merlin and he is often in my dreams. I have peace with Merlin's passing. With Zita and Ziggy I have not yet reached this. I did accept Zita's death, which was made a bit easier with the distraction of Ziggy. But now Ziggy's death makes the whole thing vey intense and very hard.

Zita and Zeus came as a pair - they were a "two for one" brother and sister combo from the SPCA. Zeus adored Zita and they were always cuddled together. He was quite cranky when Zita disappeared. When we got Ziggy, who I really think was related, they bonded quite quickly and though understandably they were never as cuddly together as he was with Zita. I think Zeus is just resigned to his situation now. Zeus has never been as big a character as the other two. He is quiet and fairly independent. I so miss the big personalities of Zita and Ziggy and their love and affection.

I'm just here to say that I feel your pain, because it is my own pain also. Maybe I don't have great words of comfort but just that I know how hard it is, and how hard when you don't have close personal support also. I think it is just one moment at a time....

Sending you healing thoughts.

Jan.

I have been trying to go minute by minute. One moment I feel it would be good for me to go to work and get my mind off of things, but I can't bring myself to face people. It's hard for me to see other people going about their days. My mother will be visiting which will help because I can't take the silence in the house. I'm a bit irritated because I was told my local humane society had a pet loss group, but when I called, I was told there weren't any in the area. But they did say they would contact some vet offices to see if they knew of any. I'm definitely feeling the waves of emotion...i lose it one minute, and then can calm myself a bit...then lose it again. I finally slept last night. I began journaling to Penny, and telling her all that I believe she's teaching me. I was also able to talk w/ my husband when he wasn't in his office, so that was very very comforting. He's having a tough time too, and is trying to balance being away and this happening, and how he will process it. He said that he's been able to come on here and read all of your helpful comments...granted we both break down everytime we read them, but it feels right. But finally, last night, I felt a sense of calm, like Penny was with me.

As much as this hurts, I have to believe that Penny wants us to take life lessons from this. It's strange because over the last year, and even more strongly over the last 6 months, my mind has often been on how I would ever cope if I lost one of my doggies. Jason and I always said it would be our worst nightmare...and that we had no clue how we could ever do it. Because of that, whenever I cuddled, or looked at my pups, I savored every second, every little doggie kiss, her soft warm tummy, her smell, so I know I never took them for granted...but also, in the back of my mind I always was holding on to that thought that "someday you will be gone". It was always there. And now it's happened, and we are faced with working this out. Also, I began to think that even though my life has been tough here and there, with my husbands deployments, difficulty having children, trying to drudge through school and work at the same time, being away from family, etc, for the most part my life has gone according to plan and I've had the control. Jason and I kept saying to eachother last night "I feel like there is something I should be doing..." But it finally hit me that this is really the first time where I've had zero control. Maybe Penny wants me to let go of this control I always need to have, and I think that was always part of my dwelling on the day when the doggies may leave me...I had to be in control of that event.

Penny is teaching me so much right now about letting go, enjoying what I have when I have it, don't dwell on the unknown, just live each day the best you can. I have to believe that this is the purpose of her passing, and that she's here coaching me through this. I so wanted her with me when I finally have my children...I knew she would be amazing through that entire process. She's gotten me through so much, and sometimes my husband and I joke that maybe we'd be divorced if it wasn't for what the dogs have given to our lives. I know that's probably not true, but honestly, even at the most difficult times, the moment Penny or Jax came and kissed me, everything else seemed so silly.

At least I have had that time with her. She's taught me so much about love, patience, opening your heart, and letting go. I'm still going to have a tough time...but I am starting to feel her again.

Shannon: That was really well written...you are capturing many of the "let's not take any of our loved ones for granted" feelings that I've been having also. As with you and Penny, I feel like I never let a day go by when I didn't love him as much as I could. I think it may have been for the same reasons you stated, that in the back of our minds we know that someday they'll be gone but we just can't believe it. I do think they have much to teach us. I'm really glad you are starting to feel a little better.

Chuck

Today, thus far, has been strangely numbing. I didn't have a choice but to go to work. I'm a school counselor, and today is PSAT day. Anywho, I drug myself out of bed, but couldn't find the courage to open my closet. I took Monday and Tuesday off. Penny got sick on saturday and passed sunday. I worried about going to work because that's like saying "this weekend is over", which means I'm accepting what happened. And in a way, I fear moving ahead to another day because that's one day more that I have been without Penpen in my life. The more days that pass means the more life becomes "the norm" again. At least if I didn't go to work, it would be like I had an elongated weekend...and then it's only been a weekend without her. The next weekend is going to be very tough.

However, I'm feeling a bit more "understood" by my vet's office. I mentioned in previous postings that my experience going to the vet on Monday morning was awful. I wrote another post about the major guilt I've been feeling, and about how I felt she got ill from a mushroom (which I saw in her vomit). The vet didn't think that would set in so quick. But I've been looking in the yard, and yesterday I found what I believe she was chomping on that I told her to drop. It was mangled, but smelled like a mushroom. I bagged it and called the vet today. I got the woman at the desk (I believe it was the same one I spoke to Monday) but luckily she transferred me to the vet tech who helped with my Penny on Saturday when I brought her in. I told her I believe I found what made her sick, and wondered if someone could take a look at it, or perhaps if there was a lab I could send it to for testing (I want to make sure that my other pets are safe). She asked how Monday was, and I was honest, telling her that it was a terrible experience. She genuinely apologized and said she was sorry for my loss, and referred to my little girl by her name. I can't tell you what a difference that makes for me. She wants me to bring the item by today and speak directly with her. Perhaps that will give me some closure to speak directly with her, and she also agreed to contact the vet who worked on my Pen and get a detailed write up of what occurred. I know that it won't bring her back, but I know the vet went home between 3am and 10am when she passed, and I want to have an idea of what happened in that time frame to my girly girl. I never wanted to step back into that vet clinic, but maybe doing so now...and to speak with those who worked w/ her will give me some solace. Perhaps not, but it's worth a shot.

I am so sorry to hear about Penny. She's such a sweet little thing. I think I understand some of what you are going through... I had my dog euthanized in July. After she died I went over and over her med records, researched online--I'm even awaiting the opinion of a world renowned vet who's currently out of the country. Unfortunately for me, as time goes on, I more and more believe my dog fell apart because I delayed seeking further veterinary care. At that time I was under a lot of stress in my marriage, was constantly given grief for vet bills--but it's not like we couldn't afford it! That's what kills me. Hubby always said there's only so much $$ he's willing to spend on an animal. To me she was a member of the family. I think now: HOW could I have let stress, money complaints, etc. overshadow any help my dear dog needed??? I would give anything to have her back.

I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in wanting to know what happened to your dog. I hope that you will feel a lasting peace in your heart for Penny soon.

Shannon- Sorry, meant to put my above post onto your other post re: 'Guilt.'

Take care

I'm glad your vet office was more responsive to you. Please keep us updated on your research and what your vet finds out. I like your idea of making sure whatever it is...is not in your yard anymore if at all possible (I know that depends on what is found out).

I'm glad Jax is there for you. I think it will take time also for him to realize there is a change in the household but lots of hugs and talking can help all of you.

Keep us updated about the vet....and also how you are doing.

Don't think about guilt. You did the best you could for Penny. So did your vet. It was an emergency and those are truly heartbreaking (I went through one last time). What helps me is I just realized over the years that when it is their time to leave us...we cannot stop it...it is out of our control. If we or our vet prevent something....that was meant to be. We cannot fight the power that takes them from us. And when it is truly their time to go....it will happen in spite of all we can think of. That's the only answer that makes sense to me. Because we are human, we are not perfect and so we do the best we can. There are no What-IFs....cause there is no control. If we had control...there also would be no what-ifs because we would have known something more to do and have done it.

Take care and let us know what happens.

Hi, Shannon, I am so glad to see that the latest contact with the vet was more positive. It appears that you may have found the culprit that caused Penny to become so ill. There are a lot of wild mushrooms that bloom in my yard, too, and I do my best to keep them pulled so that my Black Lab doesn't chomp on them, but it only takes one that he finds and I missed - - Our furkids are like 2 year olds. They explore their world through smell and taste, and if it smells good (to them) and tastes good (to them) it is ingested in the blink of an eye before we have any time to react. Please know you did everything you could for Penny. You got her to the vet when you realized that she needed immediate care. You loved her with all your heart - - that is all we can do. Please let us know what the vet says when you see them again. And please know you are not alone in your grief journey, Shannon. We are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you are doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

The guilt comes and goes in waves...but i'm working on it. I went to the vet after work, and the vet tech who worked with Pen met with me...she was very supportive, apologetic, and referred to my girl by name. It made me feel less worried that I left her in the wrong hands (not that i had many other options). I stated that I felt a program providing 24 hr care needed to be offered. She stated there was one, however it cost quite a bit. I told her cost would not have been an issue for me (not that we have the most money, but we'd figure it out). She said that because of the speed in which everything happened, all those little options just weren't offered. I also asked if I should have been given an opportunity to come in after everything occurred to say my goodbyes. I don't know if I would have...cuz it just wouldn't be my sweetie pie anymore, but i wanted that option. She said they should have. I also got many other questions asked, such as all the procedures used, time frames etc. She said she would take the mushroom to the other vets to see what they think and she would also find out what labs can test it, and the cost. She said she'd call me in a couple days, but that I could feel free to call her at any time.

It did make a world of difference. I still felt very sad when returning home, but there were flowers waiting for me. I've rarely ever gotten flowers... I opened them and it was strange because they were lilies (my favorite flower) and they came with the cutest ceramic vase that had birds on it. It was addressed to Mommy Bartlett, and i couldn't find a note. Luckily, my husband has been able to get a computer in his quarters and we set up messenger, and he had just gotten off work, so i told him about the flowers. he asked who they were from, and i said i couldn't find a note. So i looked harder and found it, and there was a note from Penny saying that she was happy, and sorry for eating "those things, but they looked so yummy" and to call to her anytime and she'll come. It was signed Roosey...which was a nickname we had for her (Roosey Roo, cuz sometimes she looked and hopped like a little kangeroo). I said to Jason "Who would know that we call her Roosey, and also the vase has birds on it...nobody knew how much she loved watching birds out the window and chasing them. We used to say "birds" and she would always walk to a window and look out. I figured it had to be him. But i have to be honest, as much as I know my husband loves me, I don't think in our near 9 years together he's ever gotten me flowers. I asked him, and he typed "Penny told me last night that she wanted to send you something, so she asked me to help". He said that he was walking home the night before and saw a beautiful bright star. It was flashing all different colors. He said that was something he never would have noticed before. As he looked at it, he felt like Penny was there, and when he returned home, went on the computer, and saw this flower set...he said he didn't really even look that close, but knew it was the perfect one. He said he didn't even notice the birds on the vase until he had already picked them.

To me, that will always be something I remember. Its a bit like seeing those flowers bloom will be like new life...like my girl is still alive in me and in my home, but wants me to still feel like something can be beautiful. I've had a hard time doing anything that I did before...or anything I enjoy. Part of me wants to continue suffering every moment, because if I stop thinking about her and crying for even 1 minute, its like letting her go. But I've been reading this loss of pet book that states that letting go of the grief is just that...letting go of the grief. You will never let go of the love and joy that is in your heart.

Thanks for all your support. God knows I'll continue to need it. Each day has a different struggle, but i really think just talking about it with people who understand makes all the difference.

Your husband's gesture of love for you brought tears to my eyes. He must love you very much.

I can assure you that Penny's loving spirit is alive and well. Letting go of the pain IS what will allow you to hang onto the gift of love and remembrance she left you when your world's separated. Nothing can ever break the bond the two of you made together. Nuture her sweet loving spirit by remembering all she gave to you that enriched your life so much. How blessed are those who live a life full of all the joys and happiness a furry kid brings.

I can relate with your story so very much. When my Goliath passed away, nearly a year ago now, my world was completely turned upside down. I didn't know which end was up. The most important being I loved the most in the world died very suddenly in my arms in less than two minutes. He had been throwing up earlier in the evening and I took him to the ER and was sent home with an anti-acid medication. Goliath was laying by the fireplace and had a seizure. I could feel the angels very near and knew in seconds he would be on his way to Heaven. Though I tried desperately to breathe life back into his tiny limp body, I knew his spirit had left his body. Never in my life had I felt so powerless and crippled. My other chihuahua, Gidget, was there with us and my husband was out of town. For the next few months Gidget and I mourned together. It was as difficult a time for her as it was for me. She looked constantly for him and became very depressed.

It took alot of tears, patience, and faith for me to come to a place of acceptance and start moving forward on my journey of healing. The journey is long but well worth the trip. Had I not had all the years of love Goliath and I had together there would have been no journey of healing for me to take and no wonderful memories to keep. Penny left you a treasure chest full of wonderful times that you and she shared together. Have faith that one day you will live in eternal bliss once again. Life is short........eternity isn't. Penny's spirit is eternal and will no doubt greet you in her world one day.

May you be blessed in the comfort of knowing what a special life you and Penny shared together.

Wishing you peace, love, and healing,
Beth

Beth...your words were very helpful. You were speaking of your other dog becoming depressed. I guess I have a question for you or anyone else that can give me some advice. I'm wondering how to handle my other pooch, Jax. He and Pen were inseparable. We got Jax about 5 months after Penny, and actually Penny had some separation anxiety herself until we brought Jax home. Ever since, they have been the dynamic duo, and have probably never been apart more than 1 hour before. We began to crate train them together, and they did very well (however, before they were together, Pen would cry and cry if we crated her). They seemed more comfortable when we left if they were in their crate together. When I'm home, I often find them napping in their crate throughout the day....it has really been like "their room". After Penny passed away Sunday, I stayed home through Tuesday, but had to go to work on Wed. My mom came to visit, and decided to sleep on the couch Tuesday night, so I just left Jax out of his crate when I left. However, yesterday morning my Mom slept in the guest room downstairs, and even though I completely would trust Jax out of his crate (he's very mellow. Penny was usually the stinker) I fear he could still get into something... especially with our crazy cats around. I decided to crate him. That was at about 7:30am. My mom told me when I got home she heard him howling and whining at about 10:30am, so she came upstairs and let him out.

My question is, do I stick to the routine where I crate him when I go to work. He's never been crated without Penny, and he has such a positive association w/ his crate, I'd hate for him to fear it. Should I just keep doing it, and eventually he'll adjust? I hate to think of him scared and lonely. At least when he's out, he can go sleep in the bed, or lay on the couch and look out the window. I just fear coming home to him hurt. I couldn't handle that (he and the cats chase each other, and we have very steep narrow stairs that they fly down... the cats have also been known to knock things onto the floor). My other fear about allowing him to stay out is that if ever I do feel the need to crate him, he'll be inconsolable.

What do you all think??

Dear Shannon,

Please let me add my sincere condolences to you for your loss. She looks sooooo adorable, it just tore at my heart strings. And at 4 years old, I'm sure it is a very shocking loss. Please hang in there and feel free to come vent here anytime. I know this place has helped me tremondously when I lost my sweet Candy back in June.

Take care and again, I'm so sorry.


Candy's Dad
Hal

Hi Shannon,

When I adopted Candy 16 years ago, I also adopted her sister Pepper.

Click to view attachment

7 years later, Pepper got out and was struck by a car. It was extremely devestating for all of us, especially Candy. I brought Pepper's body home and buried her in the yard. During that time, I involved Candy in the process, by allowing her to see her, watch us build her coffin and eventually the burial. She was pretty distant for about 2 weeks. Not sure what went through her mind. But after awhile she got adjusted and she was very fine with being the only baby in the house.

I am not an expert, but if this were me and I was in your situation, I would try to allow him out and see how he adjust. Dogs are very social creatures and right now, those cats are his only source till you get home. So if he along okay with them, then by all means, try it. As far as what he get's into, Candy and Pepper were very good not to get to anything, so that will be your call. But it should be possible to train him to behave.

I hope it works out and know you all will be in my thoughts this weekend.

God bless

Candy Dad
Hal

Hi Shannon,

It's hard for me to say what might be best for you. My cir%%stances were different because when Goliath passed away I was on a medical leave from work. So, I was able to be with Gidget 24/7.

I would think that keeping your routine as normal as possible would be best. You wouldn't want to start new habits unless you plan to keep the changes. In other words, if Jax is used to being crated during the day then you probably should. Especially if it is where you feel he is the safest.

Yes, it will take some time for Jax to adjust to Penny's absence just as it will for you. Gidget's depression was heartbreaking for me and for her. Sometimes she would isolate herself and not eat while other times she became very huggy with me. We just kind of rolled with whatever the mood was. Gidget also developed a nervous twitch and began peeing in the house. I found over a couple of months that her symptoms of depression began to lessen and so did mine.

The more upbeat you are able to be, the happier Jax will also be. Engaging in extra playtime will help both of you immensely. Since your loss of Penny is so new, playtime may be very difficult for you. Maybe taking a lengthy walk with Jax will provide some benefit of adjustment as well. It wasn't until we adopted Browser that Gidget finally snapped completely out of depression. Browser brought the very best out in her and Gidget became very lively and started playing like a puppy herself again. Our vet said that bringing Browser home was the best thing we could have ever done for her. But, I wasn't ready for another puppy until about 6 months after Goliath passed away. It would not have been fair to another puppy had I brought him into my heart and home too soon because it was important for me and for Gidget to work through the worst part of grieving first. Some might say another puppy is a great distraction. I felt a new puppy deserved my full attention and love and not just serve as a distraction because I had plently of other things to use as distractions if I chose to do so.

Perhaps you can leave a radio on or a TV so that there is some noise in the house while you are away at work. Jax is used to being crated when you are away. Give him time to adjust to being in his crate alone, or maybe you can put him in a room where you can close the door and leave the crate door open so that he can choose when he'd like to go there. Most dogs see their crates as a safehaven and not something to be afraid of.

I hope some of what I said helps you Shannon. Please feel free to ask me anything that crosses your mind either here at LS or you can email me. I don't visit LS very often these days, but I do check my email daily. You can find my email address in my profile.

Hugs of comfort and love from my heart to yours,
Beth

I do feel that I will get another companion for Jax in time. I think what makes this whole situation more complicated is that my husband just deployed a couple of weeks ago, and will be gone for another 6 months. For me, and for Jax, our environment was already shifted when he left...but we've done it before. But now w/ Penny gone, everything just seems so "off". That's why there is a part of me that wants to maintain whatever stability there was before.

The other thing is that I cannot see bringing another pup in the home until Jason, my husband, has time to adjust, accept, and is ready to move forward regarding Penny. He's going through the grief process himself right now, but I know once he returns in April/May, it will probably start over a bit, because he will come home and have to actually be home without her. So that could take another several months. So for now...it's day by day with Jellybean (that's also what we call Jax). For 2-3 days I couldn't do anything with him that I normally did, but over the past couple days, we have started walks again, and he is generally jolly. Yesterday was the first day I saw him want to play...like we used to. So we did. It's hard for me, but I know that Penny loved her brother bear soooo much that she'd want him to be just as happy as he was with her. He still acts confused quite a bit, and whenever he finds her things will sniff and kick them around, or just seem lost, but I'm trying to remain as positive as I can with him. I have to remember that he means just as much to me as Penny...and he's my little cuddlebug. So I'm very thankful for him, and so happy he is in my life. That's why I hate to hear that he is worried, confused, or scared. Any more suggestions from anyone would be helpful about whether I should or shouldn't change his routine.

Hi, Shannon, sometimes after a loss it is good to change the routines a bit so that the absence and loss of Penny will not be as dominant - - for you or for Jax and your kitty kids. You can gate off the steps -- both at the top and bottom of the steps with safety gates. That is what I do when I go to work so that my almost 14 year old Black Lab will not attempt taking the basement steps. When I get home, the gate is removed so that the kitty kids can have access to the upstairs. You won't want to detract from the crate training - - this is excellent, and provides security for Jax. But if you want to give him some options occasionally, you might try using the safety gates while you are home so that you can observe what happens - - lengthening the time they are in place so that everyone adjusts to them gradually. I do agree that the kitty kids are Jax's primary social interaction during the day while you are at work, so this is why you may want to "adjust" the size of his "crate" as reflected in the safety gates. I hope that makes sense to you. And goliath has made some excellent suggestions too: "Perhaps you can leave a radio on or a TV so that there is some noise in the house while you are away at work. Jax is used to being crated when you are away. Give him time to adjust to being in his crate alone, or maybe you can put him in a room where you can close the door and leave the crate door open so that he can choose when he'd like to go there." Or - - you can leave the door to his crate open and gate off the doorway to the room so that he can go to the door and look out into the rest of the house as he may want to do. Again, you may want to transition this change while you are at home to see how he does. One of the most important things for you, Jax, and your kitty kids to do is to take your time to adjust to the change in the dynamics in your home now. Penny's physical absence is HUGE - - her physical presence added a dimension to your family unit that is now changed. It just takes time to travel this grief journey, Shannon. Unfortunately there is no way to speed up the process or fast forward through it. It's a one day at a time journey that each day will have its own way of evolving different routines that work. The first anniversaries are always hard: The first day, first week, first month, first birthday, first holiday, first - - whatever - - are constant reminders that life has permanently changed. Each of us are here for you, Shannon, for as long and as often as you need us - - to help you through the many twists and turns this grief journey can present. I hope my suggestions added to the great suggetions of others may be helpful to you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, that your husband is in my thoughts and prayers for his safety during his deployment and return to you, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Today is Saturday..which means it has been one week since Penny got sick, and tomorrow will be one week since she passed. I feel very conflicted today. Part of me keeps thinking "One week ago at this time, Penny and I were cuddling on the couch...and 3 hours from now is when I found her so ill". The other part of me says "Penny wouldn't want me to relive this over and over in my heart and in my head". It's really tough. I haven't cried as much, which sort of bothers me...but I'm starting to just see that this is the way it is. I can't fight it. I think the tears were missing her and wishing I could change time...I know they will probably hit me on and off, and it will be difficult to not have her bounding through the house.

I decided to make a scrapbook of her, and I thought it would be a good weekend project...so that's I'm constantly thinking of her, but doing something that I can look at over and over again..something very special for her. We got a new computer about a year ago, and my husband bought this external drive to transfer all our pictures and files too. We never transferred them to the new computer, and figured we could just plug it in when we wanted files. All of the pictures of Penny for the first 3 years are on the drive. I went to plug it in, and it turned on then off. Then I smelled burned plastic. Obviously it was not the right adaptor and I think I may have fried it. Now I'm freaking out that all those pictures are gone. I'm going to run to BestBuy and see if the drive is ok, and if not, how I could possibly recover any files. If it is ruined, I don't know what I will do. It's the last thing I need today, when I'm trying to save all those memories. I'm really worried they are all gone.

Shannon

Hi, Shannon, just when we think things can't get any worse "technology" comes along to show us just how much little control we have. I do hope that Best Buy will be able to fix your computer - - or at the very least retrieve your pictures. Making a scrapbook will be helpful. I have done that since the loss of my first doggie child Samson many years ago. It helped me to stay focused on our lives together and was very healing and comforting to me. I read through the posts again and found the one about the flowers your husband sent on Penny's behalf and the vase - - how very special. I can imagine how that helped to bridge the geographical miles between you. Too bad the military does not accept the death of a companion animal in the family as a reason for compassionate leave. Shannon, please let us know how it goes with your computer - - I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you and sending a prayer on your behalf.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Well...Sunday is over. It has been one week today since the loss of my amazing little girl. It was eerily strange. At least yesterday morning I could say "last week at this time I was cuddling my Penpen" but this morning I woke up with a pit in my stomach. I thought "last week at this time, I found out my girly girl was gone". The more days that pass, the further I am from the time when she would bound through the house, lick me awake, clean her brother's eyes and ears, be my little watchdog, play in the bubble bath, chase the kitties, and keep me warm in bed at night. I know in my heart that she has not really left, and will remain in our hearts and home forever...but reality has definitely hit...it is true.

I decided to begin a scrapbook. As I mentioned in my last post, I think I fried the drive w/ many of her pics on it, but I was told if I contact the maker of the drive, they may be able to recover the files. I pray that can be done, but I found many adorable photos that I had on my current computer, and also I realized we didn't even have a digital until I think Christmas of 2005, so I have all the originals of her first year. I have alot of it put together...and I teared up looking at many of the photos, but also giggled many times. I will miss her tremendously, as will her daddy and little bruder. She is a very special dog, with a very special spirit, that cannot even be described with words.

Penny, you are forever our gorgeous little girl and cuddle bug. I hope Jesus is perfecting the Penny belly rub, cuz I know daddy did them best. I can imagine you and all your new doggie and kittie friends bounding through fields chasing butterflies, you chasing all the most beautiful white birds, and licking every flavor popsicle that exists! Heaven must be an awesome place, but I know God must let you visit your mommies, daddies, and brothers and sisters lots, cuz I feel you in the house all around me. Please help Jellybean clean his eyes...his eyes have been extra watery since you've left..and I think he could use some help. For now, we need to head to bed...so let's go. Hop up. It's night night time.

Love you Pen!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Forever your Mommy

Now how cute is that!...I'm glad you were able to find photos and get your scrapbook started.. I too, gathered up all the picts I had and orgainized them in an album. For me, I find when I look at those pict I get a pit in my stomach, I can't believe he is truely gone forever(in the physical sense). And other times I look at them so much, that it doesn't feel like he left. But...I cannot, absolutely not, watch the 3 or 4 small video clips I have of him. I can't even think about them without tearing up. ..Good luck with the scrapbook, I'm sure it'll come out awesome. It really is good therapy. But take your time, 'cuz once you finish you'll be struggling for more things to do to memorialize Penny..Hugs Ann

I'm glad to hear you have found some photos to get your scrapbook started of Penny. Hopefully you will be able to retrieve the photos on your hard drive as well. Making scrapbooks and journaling is like recording history. It's a wonderful way to lend tribute to those we love and remember them always.

When my Goliath & Gidget were puppies, I began a scrapbook complete with journaling stories that went along with the different pics and events. On the front of the book I had "For The Love Of Goliath & Gidget" embossed in gold. I kept that scrapbook going right up until the day Goliath passed away and have now started another. Also, I write thoughts and poetry in the back of the original scrapbook. Though I wasn't able to look again at this special scrapbook for a few months after Goliath passed away, I sure was glad I had captured all of our special times together.

I had to smile when you spoke of how Jellybean needs help cleaning his eyes. Goliath & Gidget used to always keep each others ears and eyes clean. I hadn't thought about that since Goliath passed away.

I wish you healing and peace as you put your thoughts and pics in your scrapbook.

Hugs of comfort and love.
Beth

Good suggestion Ann. I was thinking of slowing down...just a couple pages a day (i know I'll need more sheet protectors already). I just was feeling like I had to keep my body and mind going to stay "sane". Sort of the same feeling I had the evening of the day she passed. Like if I slow down, I won't know what to do. I think I will take more slowly. I don't know if I even have any videos of my pooches. We got a camcorder a few years ago, but it's pretty old school (the kind that you put in a VCR w/ an adaptor) so we never really have used it. But I think I took a couple short clips on my old cell phone. I've thought about digging it out to see...but like you said, it may make it more difficult.

As far as there being no pet loss support group in my town, I have decided it is my new project, in memory of Penny. There definitely needs to be resources available to people who find themselves in the situation where their pet is sick or passed away. I'm currently a school counselor, but my last job was as a child and family therapist, so I figured there is no reason I can't take this on. I've already left messages w/ the humane society to get something together. I'm very excited about the possibilities...and in my own selfish way...I just want the group for myself, to help me through loosing my little lady. I'll keep you all updated.

Hi, Shannon, I'm so glad you were able to find your pictures of Penny on your new computer. Oh I can imagine the thrill and sigh of relief you felt when you found them. It took me several months to do my "memory" scrapbooks, but the most important thing is for you to work at your own pace so that you can enjoy and savor the memories. Your establishing a support group for companion animal bereavers can be your "living" memorial to Penny - - you can dedicate it in honor of her memory. Most support groups are initally established out of the founder's personal need, and what you are doing will not only bring comfort to you but to many others who are also going through the grief and healing journey. I do wish you the very best of luck in this endeavor and would like to know how it goes - - if you would wish to share that with us. Please know you continue to be in my thoughts and prayers, Shannon, and will look forward to hearing from you as to how you are doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Woah...last night was bad. I was starting to feel a bit better, but I just fell into the deepest sadness. I miss her so much....

You'll find that a bit. I'm much better now than a few months ago. I'll go about my day, then all of a sudden i'll have some thoughts of Candy, and I start to break down. Happened today in fact. I was looking at pictures on my phone, and found one of Candy when she was ill. It tore me up inside. But I shook it out as best I could and thought about how much happiness she gave me throughtout the years. Though i was still hurting, it did give me a little peace.

Penny looks so cute, kinda looks like a little Candy. We'll be thinking of you as you go this and please know you are not alone.

God bless you.

Candy's Dad

Hal

Hi, Shannon, yeah - - this grief journey has its ups and downs, twists and turns, highs and lows. It is often described as a roller coaster ride which for the first several months you feel like you have no control over it. Yes, I said months, because the grief and healing journey is identical to that of a loss of a human family member or friend. Mental health studies have shown that it takes approximately a year to make it through all of the different stages of grief and their intensities. Just when you think you've made it through the "worst" something can come along that will bring a memory and instead of smiling you find yourself weeping like your heart has been ripped out of your body - - again. But as the healing journey progresses, the good memories do become more dominant and the episodes of deep sorrow become less. Just know you are not alone - - we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. Please know youa re in my thoughts and prayers, and please continue to let us know how you are doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam