This is a little long, but I'm hurting and I could really use your thoughts...

Our yellow lab mix is 16 years old. For the past two years, she can no longer control her bowels or bladder -- going potty in the house 2 or 3 times every day. She's very arthritic and we have to carry her outside, or she'll sometimes fall down the stairs. She's mostly deaf, she's lost alot of weight, she flinches alot if you touch her (and snaps if you touch the wrong place). But most importantly of all, she doesn't "interact" with us anymore, or seem to "recognize" us much anymore -- no emotion, no tail wags. Despite all this, she still "looks" pretty good -- and that's part of my struggle.

Our vet says all of this is just her own decline into old age. She's recommended before that we consider putting her down, but I could just never bring myself to do it. But her care and cleanup has become very hard on my wife and I, and our kids. Our house is so constantly soiled that it smells, and my daughter can't have her friends over for sleepovers and such. I considered converting our screen porch into a giant "dog house" so that she wouldn't keep messing in the house, but it seems cruel to banish her there -- she's always been a loving part of our family, and it seems horrible to leave her out there all alone without us.

So, my wife and I have agonized over this, and although I feel guilty, we're considering to put her down. It feels like the hardest thing I've ever done. Even though our vet says that her quality of life appears low and that her "loss of dignity" is important, it still tears at me.

But what if I did nothing, and let her continue on as-is, with these problems? What about the hardships on our family? Should I have waited until something more "serious" happened, like she loses the ability to walk completely? Would delaying this be worth it when she's so old already (16 years), and she will never "recover" from any of these problems?

Is it selfish to consider how hard these problems are for our family and our home, and wanting to finally bring them to a close? We've loved our Dog like a child her entire life, and she's never been apart from her people. I guess I just never suspected that her end of life would be like this...just a long, slow decline that puts us in this situation. It's very, very hard.

I'd appreciate everyone's thoughts -- and thank you.

So sorry to hear about your Lab. Recently, we had to make the same agonizing decision to put our (almost) 17 year old Australian Shep. Mix (Buddy) to sleep. He had the same problems--could no longer hold his urine or his bowels, at first he needed help getting up and then he could not stand at all. At night he would bark because (we assumed) he could not get comfortable, but he might have been in pain. The night before we put him to sleep he was up and agitated all night--if he could have walked I'm sure he would have been pacing the floors. We called the Vet in the morning and made the decision to let him go. As we pulled inot the Vet's that night, he (Buddy) had a seizure. So, I'm sure our timing was just right and we probably should have done it sooner and maybe could have spared him some suffering.

It is always the hardest decision you will have to make--and I'm sure you'll always think you did it too soon, too late etc. But my advice would be to look at the "quality" of her life. Is she happy? Do you think she wants to live not being able to do the things she once enjoyed? So many questions to ask yourself.

It is not selfish to consider how hard these problems are for you and your family--remember she is a part of your family too. Make the right choice for her and she will ultimatley be grateful. Again, I'm so sorry for you and your family.

It feels like the hardest decision you will make and it is. It is a tribute to your care that you have had her for so many years.

I remember asking a vet years ago...how will I know when to make the decision if I don't see any pain. His answer was when there is no quality of life. There is no cure for the condition and all that is left without quality can be suffering.

These wonderful babies give us unconditional love all our lives and I always feel all they ask in return is that when they cannot make the decision....that we have the love and the strength to help them be at peace.

It is a horrible decision and not one we do lightly. I had to make the decision for one with Altzheimer's...no pain but peeing anywhere, potty anywhere and a look of terror on her face when she had to go and didn't know where. A blank look when she drifted off. But as you mention in your home...sanitary conditions have to be thought of. we tried with newspapers everywhere, etc. but after months....we could not live like that.

I agree with you that putting your girl by herself out in a room is not the answer. Her not acknowledging you or wagging her tail is telling you things. Look into her eyes. We never want to lose them and feel that hole in our lives but when there is no quality and no hope and they don't let us know if there is pain....we can only truly repay that love they gave us so freely with giving them what they cannot give themselves.

I didn't know it years ago but apparently there can be a tranquilizer first so they are lightly sleeping and they don't see the tears of goodbye. I was always close by but not in the same room for the final shot. I know many others have the strength to hold their babies but I am too emotional to do that. So we all do the best we can.

I don't think you want to think of waiting for something "more serious". You, your wife, and your family as well as your vet can talk it over but remember that because of what these sweethearts have given us without question their whole life....there comes a time when it is their turn and they truly have to come first...their needs have to be the guide.

I am sorry for your agony as I have been there many times and I know in my heart it has always been the right decision at the time and yes, each time it is the hardest ever made.
It is so final but I remember that I gave mine peace when they had nothing more to look forward to themselves. Someone in this forum mentioned their vet told them...bring her in when she isn't having fun anymore. It all goes back to the quality of life. Her life.

Hugs to you and your family and your sweet girl.
Judy

Hi, rabbitEars, Anticipatory grief is difficult because we know the time we have with our beloved companions is becoming limited but we still have the blessing of their physical presence with us. Euthanasia is never an easy decision to make. It is comparable to stopping life support for a human family member or friend. Yet it is the last gift of love we can give to our companions - - at great sacrifice to us - - so that they can join the angels with their dignity still intact. My Black Lab, Oslo, will be 14 years old in approximately 4 weeks. He, too, is declining, yet he still does have a quality of life. I assume your vet has run medical tests to definitely determine that your beloved dog is suffering with "old age". My Oslo was also becoming incontinent, and through research my vet did, she put him on Imipramine - -which has given him a temporary "new" lease on life. There are other progressive neurological symptoms, but he still knows who I am, he still enjoys his meals, he still interacts with me and his two kitty siblings, and on his very best of days we can still take walks together to the mailbox. When I leave for work I gate off the the basement steps so that he cannot try to climb them or come down them - - risk falling and breaking a leg or his neck. And I put plastic sheeting down over the rugs for emergency purposes just in case I am delayed in getting home and he needs to take care of personal needs. Clean up is done easily with a mop, and there are no recriminations. I do know your quandry in making this decision, rabbitEars. You know, you are always entitled to obtain a second opinion - - an independent medical evaluation - - of your dog which may help you to make decisions. Whatever you do, rabbitEars, please know you are not alone in this difficult journey. Each of us are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how things are going.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

RabbitEars,
Know everyone here is behind you 100% whatever your decision is. The posts before me about said it all.
Just put yourself into her shoes for a moment. What would you want for yourself?

I know if is very hard and frustrating decision!!!! Sounds like she gave you many wonderful years of memories your family will cherish forever.

We can't tell you what to do, but know we are here.
Please keep us informed.

Hugs to you and your family

I saw your topic and decided to read it based on my experience earlier this year. My thread "Vet Said It Would be Ok..." goes through my last few weeks with my little girl, the most amazing companion possible on this earth. Kahlua was 17+ when I lost her in May.

Up to the end she was always interested in being with me and receptive to touches, though she wouldn't come when called anymore (or motioned to after she went deaf). She lost control of her bowels about a year before she went, I have hardwood floors and just mopped up a ton. But, I too couldn't have friends over because of the cleanliness issue. For me, it was a no-brainer, I could deal with it and I didn't have other people's limits involved so I was going to go as long with her as possible as long as it was just me suffering.

Because Kahlua kept her outside interests up, had love to give up until the very end and never really displayed much discomfort physically I kept her with me and was willing to push it because I thought I'd recognize "the right time".

I read other people who posted here and believed that, while they understood, they really didn't understand MY special little girl and how wonderful it was to still have her. Many other posts were careful to say it was my decision at the end of the day, but that it was still okay to let go. Just like my vet said three weeks before she went. I interpreted both to be trying to subliminally give me the green light, and that I should do it. I was always defensive about that assessment and skeptical about putting her down - I was her biggest protector from all harm, always, I would never let her down. Never.

I'd have to say this worked for me, all the way up until the end. Then I saw Kahlua going for hiding places, under the bed, behind the furniture and knew she was looking for a place to die. I knew it. But I thought I had another day with her and wanted to spend a last night with her. I was just holding her, trying to keep her clean and hydrated, saying my special goodbyes to her, sharing our memories out loud, telling her I loved her and loved her, over and over, crying my eyes out (like I'm doing now as I type this).

I needed a food break and sanity break so I stepped out for about an hour to grab a late dinner in a crowd before I began what I knew was going to be a long, painful, solo journey. When I came home she was in so much pain, so much in discomfort, but my vet was closed. I thought we could make it through the night and get her to the vet first thing in the morning and she'd be okay. But, then midnight -1pm came and her yelping through pain tore me up so badly I knew I had waited too long. My desire to be her total protector and selfish need to keep her had caused me to let Kahlua suffer in her final hours.

That night killed me over and over, and a big piece of me is dead inside from that, from having put myself in a situation to just be able to watch her suffer. If I had taken her to the vet in the afternoon as I noticed her searching for her final place I would have had the best relationship ever with an animal that is possible, it would have been the dream, a long, healthy, loving, fulfilling existence with me and her. The final hours I grieved with her struggle before the vet opened in the a.m. to finally give her peace, those final hours torture me and my memories of her.

Moral of the story: go with your heart, but if you plan on pushing it trying to time it for "the precisely right moment" you'd better recognize it and act the moment you see it, not a second later unless you're prepared to carry the grief I describe above.

What is "her" name? I would like to keep her and your family as well in my prayers.

This has to be the most heartbreaking kind of decision one ever has to make when trying to figure out what's best for all that are involved. I pray that I am never in the same postion as you are now in having to do so.

Though I think you know in your heart what needs to be done, I hope you and your family can make a very special day dedicated just for her and thank her for all she brought into your lives. As you said, she's been part of the family for so long and I would sit by her side and let her know just how much she is loved as I would any other family member before saying goodbye.

Baby1991 said it so well. I remember the angusih and heartbreak of the long night spent with Kahlua when there was nowhere for them to go. My heart felt ripped apart for both of them because they were both in so much pain. The most loving thing you can do for her now is to set your own needs aside and decide what is best for her. I agree with other writers here who say it would be cruel to isolate her all by herself. I sure wouldn't want to be all alone no matter how grumpy and needy I was. Nobody should have to be alone either here on Earth or when the transition is made to Heaven.

Always know that no matter whatever decision you and your family come to, she will love you for all you mean to her. She trusts that you will always fill her every need.

Much love to you and your family from my heart,
Beth

I read your post and really understand. My experience is I did not wait long enough before I decided to put my dog to sleep. She was over 12, and while I was on vaction for 2 weeks, I put her in a kennel. When I got home she was badly dehydrated and unable to eat. Within the 2 weeks at the kennel, she lost a 3rd of her weight. I rushed her to the emergency hospital and they put her on and IV and began to test over the following 24 hours. On the results of the ultrasound, the vet stated that my dog most likely had cancer and to confirm that would require a biopsy. I opted for euthanasia. She agreed, and felt it was a reasonable option, given the pending prognosis. I felt at the time that all I would do with approving the surgery, was to extend her discomfort. Now I am disappointed and think I should have followed up on the confirmation and then made the decision. I guess the reason why I am responding to your blog is that both of us are struggling on when is the right time to make the decision. Now I have reservations on when I made mine. I know though, that my decision was based solely on the fact that I did truly love that dog as you love yours, and the grief you feel taint all aspects of your decisions. She's only been gone from me 3 days now.

I am so sorry you are going thru this. My heart saids never is the right time, but the head knows better. It's a battle in an unwon war. You have received some good advise. I truely hope it helps. You have given her 16 long loving happy years, something to be proud of. Sounds like you know the time maybe near and how ever long you hold onto her, just hold on tight and let her know she is truely loved. My prayers are with you.. Hugs .. Ann

I hate this part of having an animal friend. We pay at the end for all the joy.

But it's our job.
We all made a deal when we got them that we would take care of them, love them, and comfort them. Our payment was the only really unconditional love we really get. The pay is great but the last part of the job is awfiul. I have lived quite a few years now, and have had so many come and go, and know it never gets better, but the thing that helps me is the key question:

"When quality of life is gone, and I keeping him/her alive for THEM, or am I doing it for ME?"

Then, usually, I arrived at what was right. It did NOT make it better! But it makes it more certain and real, and lessens the regrets a little.