Dear Friends, the reason I am making this new post is that I do not, not, not want it to be on my feather child Alex thread either in this area and most certainly not in his Tribute In Loving Memory thread in that forum. Thank you for understanding.

I feel the "need" far more than just a "desire" to apologize profusely especially to our newest friends who have joined here, are in so much pain, grief, sorrow and devastation due to the loss of their fur kids ... And one person: fur and feather kids. I have been reading, feeling, wanting so badly to reach out as I always do to comfort and help the best that I know how and have found myself unable to be there for you dear people who are feeling so devastated by your losses. I am Sooo sorry!!! So very sorry!!!

Beginning at some point in time on September 12th, I've been having a gosh awful time dealing with rage issues from what happened to Alex feather child as well as what was done to my other two fur kids Buddy dog and Styx kitty. It's so hard for me to be there for others when I see their devastation, grief, loneliness and even horror and terror in some cases when I'm not dealing well at all with "my own demons."

For all of you who have been following what happened, and I can name each of you and God Bless You!!! For you who know and have followed from the beginning are aware that I am not one who easily feels nor expresses anger nor rage and have only come to finally do so within the past couple months or so. Now, my rage is far worse.

I have actually been shouting in anger at my poor Styx kitty just for meowing that loud and long meow when he wants to be petted and loved on. And guess what? He is not affected in the least and still comes to me for his hugs, kisses, scratches and belly rubs. What is wrong with that cat? If I were him, I would run and hide after hearing loud, mean shouting from me to him. What is that all about, Styx kitty?

Also, I've been shouting with much anger at poor Buddy dog for coming back inside, having a nice long drink of water so wanting or needing to go back outside to "relieve himself" (potty) . . . I would suspect that's the reason. There he is, doing his happy dance with no barking as he does when he wants out. I shout at him. Loud. Mean. Telling him things like he just got back inside less than 5 minutes ago and I am not going to get myself over to the other side of the room to open the door to let him out. I yell at him. Shouting. Shouting. He continues his happy dance. What is that about? Is he too stupid to know when to be scared at such rage directed at him from me in what I believe (but am not certain) stems from displaced aggression to him ... And to Styx kitty, too.

Yet, they are both unaffected, remain happy campers and I am NOT exaggerating when I tell you my shouting at them is very, very loud, long and mean, mean, mean. Those poor babies! I also have been yelling, screaming, shouting at people who are not there. I pretend they are here and I lay into them using such foul and vile obscene language that it sounds like a drunken sailor on leave in a house of ill repute making whoopie. I kid you not.

Finally, something very terrifying happened last night. It only lasted about 5 seconds or so? I'm not sure. So, I decided that I had better get some help and did call my brother Tony who is one of those, "He's just a bird. Only a bird. There are millions out there like him so just replace him. Easy fix. Get a grip for crying out loud and yada, yada, yada" type when it comes to my loss of Alex. I remained as calm as possible when I called Tony to describe my the horror and rage I had been experiencing for the last two days then told him what happened just a minute before I phoned him. That I needed help. My voice was calm.

Note to self: Do not use calm voice when describing all I've stated above because no one will take you seriously. I should have learned that lesson on 12/13/2007 when my house caught fire due to a Tampa Electric power surge. I grabbed my phone at that time, dialed 911 emergency as I grabbed Buddy dog and got him outside at the same time. On the phone, I loudly and clearly but calmly stated, "Fire! Fire! Insert my address here. Send Help! Fire! Fire!"

And I repeated my address again loudly and clearly as I went back into my home to find Styx kitty. I could not see him for the terrible black billowing smoke, could not breathe due to the horribly caustic fumes from the PC surge protector where the fire originated. The operator stayed with me on the line. No fire men and they had gotten there much faster in the past due to other emergencies.

Me to operator: "Tell them I'm in the back yard. I cannot get back inside to unlock the front door. My kitty is inside. They have to hurry and please save my kitty!" Still no one there. Me: "Ma'am I cannot wait. My kitty is dying in there! I'm going back in and will take my portable phone to talk with you while I'm inside. Here I go!" I took a very deep breath because could not breathe due to the caustic fumes, went back inside my home and blindly searched for Styx kitty. Could not see anything at all due to the black billowing smoke. The 911 operator heard me choking, gasping and insisted I go back outside.

"But my kitty will die!" The female operator was calm and kind but did insist I do not go back in my house. That I stay outside. Finally two police cars arrived with 2 officers in each squad car and the fire truck right behind them. I yelled to them that I was in the back yard, to hurry and save my kitty. They all walked to my back yard in the pace one would go for a stroll in the park. I simply looked at them in disbelief, pointed to my back sliding glass door and said, "It's in there." They strolled to my sliding glass door and opened it.

Then, it looked like a scene out of the silent screen comedy Keystone Cops as they said, "OH MY GOD!!! THE PLACE REALLY IS ON FIRE!!!" Then rushed quickly to open all windows, doors, extinguish flames, unplug all having to do with my PC, turned off all the switches at my breaker box, called the TECO emergency who got there within a couple minutes and went to work. William from TECO was kind. Spent a long time diagnosing and repairing the TECO bad wiring that caused the power surge to my home and gave me the phone number to call to get the TECO form assuring me they will pay for all damages.

Long story short ... Too late! NEVER, EVER REMAIN CALM WHEN DIALING 911 WITH A REAL EMERGENCY EVEN WHEN THEY TELL YOU TO BE CALM or they will NOT take you seriously. NEVER, EVER REMAIN CALM WHEN DESCRIBING A CRISIS TO ANYONE OR THEY WILL NOT TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY. Sorry about going off on that tangent but Dang and Oy. My lesson is that you've got to show people EMOTION for them to take you seriously when you are in crisis. Word. I hope and pray this advice is of help to each of you! God Bless!!!

Back to my calm call to my brother last night describing my "crisis" and what I am experiencing. I cannot believe how he ended the conversation. What a dear, sweet, compassionate thing to say. Yes, that was sarcasm. I did phone him right back, told him I was ticked off at him and going to send him an email which I did do. In that email, my language is profane and my tone vehement yet humorous at the same time.

I did let Tony know I called a service after I hung up from him and spoke with Molly. A very dear, sweet lady who took her time and did give me the names and phone numbers of two organizations that will come to my home to help me regarding my Alex feather child loss, what was done to my fur babies Buddy dog, Styx kitty and the frightening, terrible rage I am having.

I hope it's okay to list those organizations and phone numbers here to be on record for myself. If it is not okay, my apologies to the owners of this safe haven and please delete them out. They are as follows and using larger print so I can see better:

1. Clinical Services Association. Phone: 813-978-3960 and Hours: 10 AM to 8 PM.
2. Counseling Service of Tampa Bay Jewish Family Service. Phone: 813-960-1848. Hours: 9 AM to 5 PM.

The way I am able to see and read messages here is to copy them and paste them to a blank email while darkening and enlarging the print. That's also how I respond. By composing what I want to say on a blank email using large dark print. Then copying and pasting it here. I hope that helpful hint will be of use to other "visually challenged." LOL.

Again, my most sincere apologies for not being there for those in such desperate need of comfort. I am so sorry! I am still able to respond to many using upbeat responses but that's about it at this time. I will get the help I need to deal with my rage about what happened to my fur and feather kids and will be back as soon as I can to help those others in so much pain and grief.

Thank you all for your kind understanding and God Bless You All Most Abundantly!!!

Always,
Dottie xoxoxox

I understand, :wubClick to view attachment

Dearest Friend {{{{{{{Jorge}}}}}}} Thank You So Very Much!!!

Dottie

I wish you didn't have to go through this. You offer so much comfort to those on the forum; just remember to take care of you too.

Maybe Styx kitty and Buddy have a higher wisdom that understands your pain. I know my old Merlin dog would put up with my every mood swing, with a look of "I'm here for you Mom, no matter what."

I know that's not much comfort but I send my highest positive thoughts to you...

Jan.

Dottie-----I think you must be facing this all alone as you have never mentioned a significant other in your life at this point.Here comes the other side of Bubba which you haven't heard from yet but now I'm PO'd because society's MORONS are messin with my new pal Dottie.I will provide my own bleeps so I don't get kicked off the this forum.The thesis here is F--- the B-------. The world has come to a place where all things are placed in a visual context and a sort of posing posture.How much stuff can I aquire,I need a bigger car,I have to cut you off on the freeway because the mall might move if I don't get there in 5 minutes.And when I get to the mall there had better NOT be a bookstore in sight as I am too F------ stupid to comprehend any written word unless it is on the checkout magazine rack at the grocery store where I purchased my baked not fried potato chips along with my kiwi diet slim fast shake-in -a can that will get me to that as yet to be reached skinny place which will put me in the same league as my intellectual and political, ALWAYS empirical, oracles of these ever so hip modern times;Paris Hilton and Jessica Simpson. I have not the desire to look inward as I am too busy looking at the low rise jeans on sale at Nordstrom's.I really don't have the money to send a sympathy card as I just spent my last 9 dollars on a cup of coffee at Starbucks(with non-fat milk of course). As far as your D--- bird is concerened, he has no soul anyway.If you don't believe me just ask my Pastor down at my homemade-birkenstock-Hummer driving-everybody's going to hades except us(just a second---I have to adjust my WWJD bracelet) but God loves you congregation.Pardon me as I kiss my shotgun and genuflect before my shrine to Charleton Heston.Most humans have the depth is of a filled thimble.Dottie we (your forum pals)will be here for you always just as you have been here tirelessly working on your computer to apply virtual balm on our pain.I'll never forget you and plan on being in touch with you for a long time.
Always your friend---------Bubba..........

Amen to that!

Jan.

Thanks so much, Jan!

I'm gonna be juuusssttt fine. So don't you worry.

Big Hugs!!!

Your Pal,
Dottie xoxoxox

BUBBA!!!

OMG!!!

I feel the exact same way as you do and I see that Jan agrees as well!



My late husband Kenny was the most wonderful person in the world!!! Of course, I grieved terribly when he died five years ago August 28th but it is of great comfort to me knowing that ... Well, it appears that he most certainly died in his sleep. And up to that night before he went to bed, he was happy, "seemingly" healthy, having fun and working hard. So, I've only the very fondest of memories and no grief nor tears in the least and haven't for a long time. I do think about him often. He's not just a "hard act to follow" ... He's an impossible act to follow. God Bless him!!!

While I was reading your ... Errr, your "commentary" a video came to my mind quick as a bunny!!! I'm sure it would be fine to post it here but I'm a bit old fashioned so I'm going to shoot if off to you in a PM. Just so everyone here isn't curious, it's a MAD TV spoof of Britney Spears performing, looks practically identical to her, the song *IS* her and Paris Hilton and all of them as talked about in Bubba's post. It is Hilarious!!! Since it's just a tad bit risque, I'll be happy to PM it to anyone who could use a good laugh! OMG! Yep, that video is all them people. Word.

Thanks, Bubba and Big Hugs!!!

Your Pal,
Dottie xoxoxox

PS. Be looking for a PM with that video and if anyone else wishes to see it, it's safe to view but I'm just a bit too much of an old fashioned gal to post it here.

Dottie--------The way you described your marriage mirrors mine with my wife.One marriage for me in this lifetime.I am VERY computer challenged and don't know what a pm is but my wife will show me when she gets home.She has the toolbox with her name on it in the garage and I do the housework if you get my drift.Oddballs.I wasn't going to post for a couple of days as today (Sept. 15th)would have been Willy's 11th birthday and I planned on laying low but your post about the non-caring attitude got this old hippy fired up.God bless you and your husband.
Bubba................

Ummm ... Willy already started partying, Bubba. As for the PM, just look to the very upper right of the board. It will say you have a message. Click it and you will be magically transported to your PM.

Big Hugs to You, Your Wonderful Wife And Birthday Willy!!!

Your Pal,
Dottie xoxoxox

Oh, and thank you so much! Kenny says "Hi" too!

Hi Dottie, Please take care. You have helped so many of us way beyound our expectations..I know you're hurting too and am completely amazed at how you go above and beyound to cheer us up. Your furkids know you are not angry at "them" that's why they are acting so calmly. Probably hoping you'll catch on. Take as much time as you need. We understand. You are among the many great assets to this site....Thanks for reading my post on such a horrible day. Seems each day is bad and some are worst than others. Still trying to download that movie you sent.. Not much luck yet. Did you forget I'm still on stupid dial up.(soooo embarassing)..I'll keep trying..Lots of Hugs.. Ann

{{{{{{{Ann}}}}}}} Like the line in the movie Steel Magnolias, "I love ya more than my luggage!"

Hey, iffin ya don't get DSL ... Well, let me tell you a true story. I had dial up until pretty recently. I think it was about a year ago that I got that DSL modem box thingy and yada, yada, yada. The reason I was putting it off was because of cost. But then! I found out that it was far cheaper to have my DSL or broadband or whatever you call it going through my Verizon phone company.

It took one online pal and his wife to finally persuade me to check it out. Man, was I shocked that I was spending more for dial up, the dial up going at a snails pace, and the DSL through my Verizon phone company cost about one half the amount. Doh on me!

Awww, thank you for your concern, Ann. I am doing a bit better and I am getting the help I need. It's just so foreign to me to be feeling much less experiencing and expressing such anger and rage. Still, I really wanna go Jackie Chan on some butts for what they did to Alex parrot, Buddy dog and Styx kitty. And, I must admit, it does feel kinda good to pretend they are here then I lay into them with my words ... Yelling, screaming, shouting, cursing ... Oh, the vile language would make a Marine blush! Heh. It does let off some steam but I gotta stop this cuz it's affecting my physical health and then what? I wouldn't be able to be there for my fur and feather kids and I wouldn't be able to be here to tell you all about how DSL is so much cheaper than dial up. Word!

Big Hugs and Luv Ya So Much!!!

Your Pal Always,
Dottie xoxoxox

PS. I did stop shouting at Buddy dog and Styx kitty within only a couple hours cuz they didn't yell back and appeared too happy. Heck, what's the use of yelling when your kitty continues to purr and your doggie is wagging his tail and doing his happy dance no matter how hard, loud and mean you yell at them. True! LOL! More Hugs!!!