I put my beloved Brutus Beefcake to rest on Monday. I couldn't bear to watch him lose his dignity. He was already on 2 meds twice a day, thyroid pill and Lasix due to fluid buildup in his lungs and heart area making it hard for him to breath. He had awful breathing episodes where he seemed to be suffocating and all I could do was hold him and cry. The lasix treatment DID help and got me 6 more weeks. He also had kidney failure starting, he was almost 18. I adopted him from a shelter when he was 2, i just fell in love the moment I saw him.
He and I had a wonderful life. I live alone so it was him and me against the world. When he started getting sick, the reality of their short lives came crashing down. He had such a great life, I vowed not to let his end be filled with suffering. I think he held on those last weeks because he didn't want to leave me alone. But that last day I just couldn't take it anymore. He totally stopped eating, was breathing labored again, and would lay around in dark corners just staring out. That morning, he managed to jump on the couch (low energy of course), and he laid next to me and with his head down just held the top of his head against my leg. It was breaking my heart, but I knew that was the day I had to bring him in and put him down.
I knew I'd be sad, but my grief is beyond comprehension. I didn't know it'd be quite this bad. The empty feeling I get coming into my house is so hard to take, i dont even want to come home. I'm so lonely without him.
I just want this grief to end, its making me physically ill. I want to be able to remember him how he was, healthy and full of life, not the last few months where he was sick and going downhill. Also the guilt of my decision is always going to haunt me. Did I do the right thing? What if we tried upping the lasix dosage like the vet suggested and seeing what happened, would that have made him better again temporarily? Or would that just be postponing the inevitable? I felt in my heart that he was exhausted that last day and was telling me it was ok.
I can't stop sobbing, and holding back tears all day at work. I couldn't work for 2 days, didn't get off the couch, I stared at the tv like a zombie, have hardly eaten.
I know you all know how it feels, and I know 'with time' this will all feel better. my brother wants to give me a kitten, but i just don't feel I'm ready for that. I can't replace Brutus. But the void I feel is unfathomable.
Its made me question my own mortality, the progression of time, and decisions I've made in my life. I feel so alone, divorced for years, no children. Brutus was IT for me. Now he's gone. I walk around numb. 'Its just a cat" i keep telling myself, I can get another one. But it doesn't help. Brutus was special. He was NOT 'just a cat'. I feel like a human being in my family died, thats how painful this is.
I know you all understand. Thanks for listening.

Suzanne5, I am very sorry to hear of the loss of your dear Brutus Beefcake. Thank you for sharing his picture with us, he was very handsome. From your post I feel that you did everything possible for Brutus Beefcake. He was very fortunate to have such a loving and caring mom like you. He looks like he was a very strong cat and lived a long life. Often times I feel we question our decisions on our babies health/life. These fur babies truly don't want to leave us....and do everything in their power to stay with us. But you said you knew in your heart that Brutus Beefcake was ready. And it sounds like he gave you the signs that he was ready to go on his journey. Ending our babies suffering is the last loving thing we do for them. They give us so much unconditional love, and I truly feel they are a gift from God. Each fur baby is unique and therefore can never be replaced. Oh, they all have similar silly things they do. But still, each one is very different and of course special.

Right now you I want you to remember that Brutus Beefcake wants you to celebrate his life. Cherish the memories you two made together. Some of us have found doing something special with our babies photos helps. Others write poetry. Others have memorial services. Whatever you feel will honor Brutus's life will help you through the pain. I also want you to take care of yourself. Please don't beat yourself up over the decisions you made. I know it's easier said then done. But Brutus does not want you to be in pain. Feel the strength he had and use that strength to make it through the tough times.

I understand that you are not ready to bring a new kitty into your life right now. But also keep in mind that there are many kittens/cats that need a loving home. I know a new baby is right around the corner just waiting for you.

I lost my lab Lizzy this past Oct. from cancer...she was 9 1/2. She was the picture of health and loved life to the fullest. She still played like a puppy and I loved her more then life itself. The cancer was not found until it was too late to save her. My heart was broken when I received the news. But we made every day after that special up until the end. I told her to let me know when she wasn't feeling well...and she did. I was strong for her when I had to take her in to be put to sleep. The days that followed were very rough. Even though I have another lab Elly....it was still hard. I grieved, celebrated her life and still think of her every day. Her pictures surround me as does her love in my heart. In Jan. I adopted a beautiful white lab puppy and named her Mandy. The first time I saw her I felll in love with her. She resembles Liz in her looks as well as some of her personality traits. I will tell you that she has been my ray of sunshine after Liz's passing. She gave me a reason to smile and laugh again.

I wish you peace and comfort my friend.

When you and an animal friend pour each other's souls into each other, they have stopped being "Just an animal".
I was taught that lesson when one day, Miles hopped up on my lap and looked into my eyes. "There was someone LIVING in there". It was a shock. I had animal friends all my life, whom I loved and who loved me back and were devoted friends. Then along comes one who is special, and becomes a part of one's life and an extension of their very selves.
I was offered a pick of a litter when Miles died. I felt guilty, almost that "Getting another cat" was a callous blasphemy of a special friendship and stewardship. If someone responded during my grief, "Oh, just get another cat" like they were simply taken down from some shelf in a warehouse, Stock # C-#550, I think I may have physically attacked them, or at the very least, discussed their heartless shortcomings in ways they would spend a lifetime trying to forget.
So it was with some trepidation I planned on hiring a new cat. Was I betraying my special relationship with Miles, and debasing her memory by doing so?
No, she would never be replaced because she was a one-of-a-kind soul. But there was a lot of love in my life that was left over and had no place to go. There was a void. I was devastated.
When the time is right, usually fate will cause a friend to show up. They will try with all their heart to fill the void...they will not REPLACE anyone, but will do anything to win you over.
I honestly felt worse for losing Miles than I did for any human, because all humans have the foreknowledge of their deaths, whereas animals live in innocence. And because of this, they live in the moment, and make the most perfect friends, who comfort and cheer us when we need them. so we feel their loss in a special way.
I found this site in March, when I lost Miles. I was disconsolate. You will see it in my posts about her.

My wife says I never smiled till the New Guy, Ignatius, came. I did not realize it but it was true. Someday when you are ready, examine my mood in the Miles thread, then see what happened in New Beginnings when Iggy came. I say this to show you that you can indeed be happy again, even though you will miss your special friend forever. I still have very bad moments about Miles, but Iggy seems to sense them and he is right there doing something outrageous to make me laugh. So grieve, but have hope.

wow, beautifully said Jon and LuvLabs. Suzanne, I also wanted to extend my sincere condolences to you on the loss of your beautiful friend Brutus Beefcake. I'm also in the beginning stages of grief and the swirling thoughts of "did I do the right thing?" And then the crushing realization that it is too late to go back and do things differently. Like you described above, I also felt that my precious Babette was giving me a message that she was ready, although she still had some life in her.

Yes, it is unimaginably painful - an aching straight to the core of your being. Just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I believe that if we allow ourselves to feel the feelings, healing will happen.

{{{{{Suzanne}}}}} Jon and LuvLabs couldn't have said it better. I'm so sorry for your loss of your beautiful fur baby Brutus Beefcake. Such an Angel. My heart cries with yours. Of course you feel the way you do since you and Brutus lived alone and he was your world. As far as crying, please allow yourself to cry as often as you feel the need. I understand that's hard to do when you're at work so you kind of have to find a way to "put it on a shelf" in the back corner of your mind until you get home and can release your tears, sorrow, grief and pain. I know that I screamed and cried and screamed and cried for months with my loss and have never done that with another fur kid or feather kid when they passed on to The Rainbow Bridge. Sure, I cried for all of them. But I screamed and cried more for this last one than I even did when my husband died and he's not just a hard act to follow. He's an impossible act to follow.

You're probably feeling the same about your precious Brutus Beefcake right now. What a hard, if not impossible, act to follow. I feel your pain so deeply that it's physical, Suzanne. No one will ever be able to take your fur kid's place. We know that. Please know I'm winging many Angels your way to comfort and guide you through what must be one of the most gosh awful difficult times of your life. You and Brutus are in my thoughts and prayers. I'm lighting virtual candles for you both, too. I find it helps me because it's such a loving experience. Here's the link to Light a Candle online if you wish to light any candles for Brutus, yourself or any reason. Just click on the Light a Candle image. It's completely free and you can light as many candles and as often as you wish.



Again, I'm so sorry for your great loss, Dear One. Please come back and talk more when you're able. I know it will be so difficult to do through your tears. We understand and care! Please know how much you are loved!

Many Comforting Hugs!!!

Always,
Dottie xoxoxox

You are all so kind to take the time to write these responses, I"m overwhelmed. I thank you from teh bottom of my heart. I'm crying as I read these, but they are truly beautiful words from people that TOTALLY understand what I'm going through and aren't belittling it. I'm so thankful I found this site, I believe it is going to help me get through this.
I have to stop reliving those last days, and especially THE last day, it is destroying me. I have to work on remembering Brutus in his vibrant days. I have to realize that I did what I thought was right for my boy, I loved him so much I would never do anything to harm him. i miss his eyes, looking up at me as he laid on me on the couch. He also liked to walk over my stomach OVER and OVER as I sat on the couch, lol. He was just too much. God I'll miss him.
I understand that noone will ever 'replace' him. I can't go too long without the love of an animal. I will go rescue another cat soon, I think someone is waiting for me. And hopefully the spirit of Brutus will be there to help me choose.
Thank you all again so much, it means alot to me.

Dear Suzanne,

Your Brutus Beefcake has such a beautiful soul that shows through in his pictures. I've always been partial to Boy Kitties. Brutus looks like a kitty that could command the attention of any room as soon as he entered. Your story breaks my heart and I wish I could say something to make you feel better. Unfortunately that peace only comes with time, but it does come. I must have taken 50 showers the first week after losing Nickels. It was the tiniest relief but it was the only thing that helped. I cried until I couldn't cry anymore then I would go out and handle business. I didn't care who could tell that I had been crying my eyes out. My puffy eyes were my badge of love for my best friend ever. Your grief is yours and holds you close to your baby.

Know that through every stage of your grief, you will always have a supportive shoulder here. Post as often and as much as you need. Never apologize, we've all been where you are at now. Without this site, I don't know what I would have done. Over the past 2 years no matter when I post, one of the many special people here, always responds, and TRULY understands my pain, through EVERY stage. I want to reach out and hug you (((( )))), let you cry as much as you need on my shoulder and comfort you. I'm crying with you as I post this. I completely understand your pain as so many others here do and we all grieve for your pain and loss of Brutus.

On Monday, my Precious Nickels has a new buddy with Brutus. Nickels was a boy kitty that would have loved your Brutus. I know they are playing together and missing us. I know they talk. I know they look over us. I am going to light a candle for your precious boy and I will keep you both in my prayers.

God Bless You Suzanne,
God Bless Brutus,
Always In My Prayers,

Nickels Mom,
Michelle

{{{{{Suzanne}}}}} I'm so glad you came back to talk some more. Sure it will take a little while to get those last days out of your mind. I pray that those days will melt away along with your grief and pain to be replaced with only the fondest memories of your precious fur kid Brutus. You know that's just what Brutus wants too but he also understands it will take a bit of time.

You bet there's another fur kid out there waiting for you when you're ready, Dear One. Of course Brutus Beefcake's spirit will help you choose. He wouldn't miss that for all the tea in China. And, here's Friendship Angel Kitty to watch over you, too!



I hope your day at work was more bearable today, Suzanne. You know you and Brutus remain in my thoughts and prayers. Candles are still lit and burning virtually for you and your fur child.

More Comforting Hugs!!!

Always,
Dottie xoxoxox

I am so very sorry about your boy, Brutus. I am glad you had all those years with him. My boy, Little Guy, was with me over 16 1/2 years and it still is not long enough. He had a breathing emergency and I was thankful we could stop him from suffocating to death.

you said: I want to be able to remember him how he was, healthy and full of life, not the last few months where he was sick and going downhill. Also the guilt of my decision is always going to haunt me. Did I do the right thing?

What might help you remember the good things is a saying one Mom here wrote about her baby that means so much to me.

She said: The pain of losing him will never ever be greater than the joy of knowing him.

Powerful words. Remembering the joy for that is the greater of memories. Don't feel any guilt about your decision. You gave your baby peace. He could not do it for himself. When there is no cure and the quality is fast disappearing, we have to help them. We never want them to go but we cannot let them suffer. I don't believe dying is naturally peaceful and I have read people describing such a death as terrible in the last minutes of time. THAT would haunt me...not a decision that made sure they went to a forever sleep peacefully.

You were able to even give him some extra time with you. Each one of those days is a blessing.

I felt as you do...about wanting another in my life. I am sure our babies, as Angels, will guide another to us for they loved us unconditionally and that means they want us to go on, knowing we will never forget them and we will miss them and love them forever but because of what they taught us and gave to us....we are able to open our heart and home to another who needs us and it helped me to adopt another to hold again. No, we never replace our sweet ones. We simply start creating a new set of happy healthy memories with one who has no home, who has no one to give their love to and be loved in return. Each baby is unique in their own way and that's why replace is not a word that ever applies.

It helps me to feel that when it is their time to go we cannot prevent it but we can make sure it is as peaceful as possible, if we are even allowed to do that. We never make that decision lightly. We know it is the right one. We hope for more time but because we love them so much...we have to think of them and not ourselves...what is best for them. It is truly a horrible decision to have to make but I know as many times in my life as I have had to make it....it was the best for them...the alternate ending I could not allow my special ones to go through just to look into their painful eyes more days.

And I had one when I was by myself for a long time and I know what you mean about feeling so alone. I just could not be without one for long and it did help a lot to come home to a greeting. Remember these babies live in the moment and so should we. They are glad to see us when we open the door coming home and that is their special moment, which we give them in return for the many special ones they give us.

I needed the distraction that I knew another baby would give me. It doesn't lessen my love or missing of my babies who have gone but it does make the days and nights not so empty....my home is not empty.....in fact, my new boy, Lucky, is a "talker" which I have not had before so I always know he is there.

Take care and I wish you peace and healing and I, too, do believe Brutus will be with you every step of the way when you look at another who has no home. After all, you are looking at his "brothers" and "sisters" in life when you do.
Don't be surprised if you look into the eyes of one special one and you want to have him or her as part of your life.

When I got tired of crying every day and hating my home to have that empty feeling...that's when I started looking.
I have pictures of my 3, especially Little Guy all over my home....and Lucky looks very similar (I was looking for similar)
and I feel more at peace which is something I could not do on my own.

Hugs, Suzanne, and a special hug and kiss for your Angel, Brutus. I'm sure our angels are always watching over us and especially....listening.

Write your thoughts and feelings..it helps. Post more pictures of Brutus...that helps. Write him a note here...as I said, Angels are always..listening.


Judy