DJ - Edgar and Jess'es Mommy
Aug 16 2003, 04:41 PM
Well, my friends, I finally caught the local black stray who was coming around for the last two years. I had been feeding him on and off for the last month and he was letting me pet him. He was blind in one eye but would talk to me and sit with me. I tried to keep my contact with him minimal in case of fleas and ringworm but I would pet his head and talk to him. And every time he would stay for 20 minutes - then leave and come back a few days later.
Today I managed to get him into a carrier and take him to the vet's. We were going to clean him up and then keep him. Give Oscar, our orange tabby, a big brother. But no.
He was FIV positive - and Oscar is not. He was also riddled with ring worm, fleas, and so old he had few teeth left (that was why he would not eat any of the hard food I had left out for him - only the tuna).
So I discussed it with the vet and we decided to put him to sleep - it was the most humane option. It hurt more than it should. It hurt a lot. He was so passive and calm at the vet's. He was obviously a kind, gentle being who trusted me completely. And I killed him. I signed the form saying he was mine and I had to leave the room while she sent him to the Bridge.
Please light a candle for him tonight. He was a tough little cat who learned to live on the street. He never lost his ability to trust - and, I think, to love. He trusted me. And I took his life. But I truly had no choice. Leaving him to die on the street - with the cars, dogs and other dangers - would have been irresponsible and cruel. Humans betrayed him enough in his short life - I couldn't let us abandon him again.
I curse the people who abandoned him. I hope they burn. I have no pity for them, no thoughts of forgiveness. They deserve an eternity of wandering the darkness looking for kindness and unfulfilled love.
His name was Tom Gilroy-Aubert. He may not have been my friend or furbaby for long IN life. But he is still my friend. Jesse and Edgar - please teach him how to fly. Keep him playing happily until I can join you. I promise you, Tom, an eternity of love, cuddles, head scratches and tuna if you wait for me. I love you buddy.
SJ J & S
Aug 16 2003, 05:22 PM
Oh DJ I'm so sorry, you spent so much time trying to capture Tom to give him a life and then ended up having to make that awful decision again.
I lit 6 candles tonight one for Tom, Jesse, Edgar, Jude, Sadie and DJ. And I must say the candle that shone the brightest was the one I blessed for DJ.
As I will remember Sadie on my birthday I will now remember Tom on Ians and always the love that you have and share with us.
God Bless you.
Love Sue
Saki & Freyja's Mom
Aug 17 2003, 05:13 PM
Oh, DJ, I am so sorry. I am just crying with you now. And for you and for Tom.
He trusted you for a reason, DJ, for all the right and good reasons. You gave him such a blessing. I know it hurts. But a cat with FIV on the streets with few teeth and blind in one eye... chances are, his death was going to be as hard as is his life had been. But instead, you gave him some happiness, some cuddles (even if it was just on the head) some most delicious food -- and an honorable and painless death. He came to you, he CHOSE you because of he KNEW that of all the people on the earth, you were the one who would have the courage and strength to do the right thing by him. The release you gave him was so far better than his likely death -- to dogs, to cars, or to kitty aids. He's playing with Edgar and Jesse and Saki now and they are chasing the birds and flying with them. He let you catch him, he was calm because he knew you would do the loving and right thing. He's smiling down at you now, loving you and thanking you.
Still, I am sorry for your loss and your pain. Sometimes, it really sucks doing the good thing....
I will light candles for you.
Love,
Jennifer
DJ - Edgar and Jess'es Mommy
Aug 19 2003, 08:42 AM
Thank you both for your support. I know it was the right thing but I didn't think it would bother me so much... You know, we come on here and talk to people about how to deal with their grief and in time I think the reality of just how painful it truly IS kind of fades for us...
I find myself looking for him when I come home or during the evenings when I look out the window - even though I don't forget he's gone... It's silly I know... I feel dreadfully guilty - I end his life, and mine goes on... Makes me feel like an arrogant, arrogant being.
If only the world had put him in my path years ago I might have saved him. He didn't even get a good chance to be the loving friend that someone out there needs. Their "soul kitty". sigh
This world sucks sometimes, you know? The gentlest beings are thrown down and trampled and the harder ones live on. It's really not fair.
And now I'm rambling again. Sorry. This really bothers me.
SJ J & S
Aug 19 2003, 06:49 PM
Dearest, Dearest DJ of course it bothers you your too kind a soul to not be bothered.
Tom may have had a hard life but he will be justly rewarded in the next life, right now he’s getting more love, affection and cuddles than he could ever have hoped for, he is young and vigorous again and thanking the kind soul on earth that gave him food and when he could take no more he came to you to help him get there.
I wouldn’t expect less of you DJ than to go through the grieving process again, for any creature that comes to you can expect nothing but the whole of your heart.
Unlike us humans animals can see your soul through your eyes and Tom knew that you would do right by him.
“This world sucks sometimes, you know? The gentlest beings are thrown down and trampled and the harder ones live on. It's really not fair.”
But this life is so short and after – in that long life hereafter - who will be the richer?
Don’t be too hard on yourself you couldn’t do an unkind thing if you tried.
Love
Sue ***
DJ - Edgar and Jess'es Mommy
Aug 20 2003, 11:13 AM
Thank you for your support Sue. I just thought it wouldn't hurt quite this much. At least he had a name when he died. Tom Gilroy-Aubert.... hope his adoptive brothers are taking care of him - maybe teaching him how to fly.
Saki & Freyja's Mom
Aug 20 2003, 05:16 PM
I think we are always stunned by how much it hurts.
I think of the little orange boy and how sad Tom Gilroy-Aubert must be to be making you sad. He came to you for help and you gave it to him and set him free and now you hurt over it. That's not what he wanted. I know that if he could speak to y ou, he would snuggle you and thank you 100 x over.
But for now, sweet DJ, you just can't help but be sad. And that's ok. Just try to be sad bc you miss him, not bc he is at the bridge, you know? When YOU get to the bridge, I know he is going to tell you how much he appreciated your kindness. And he will be your soul cat, just like Jesse and Edgar-- you're heart is that big...
love,
jennifer
ComeBackScott
Aug 25 2003, 04:27 PM
When I worked at the vet clinic a client brought in a kitten with severe neurological problems (I wasn't aware of this at the time). I looked at the kitten and said "I'll take her."
When I got her home, I fed her and it was like she didn't know how to eat, she gagged and chomped and did things that I'd never seen before. I watched her some more (she didn't eat much) She couldn't look straight at me, her eyes were somewhat distant. The most I saw her walk was three steps, and she had this cute little cry.
I had her only 3 days and she deteriorated. She was limp and her body was so cold, she had this irregular heart rhythm that probably taxed her circulation. I took her immediately to the vet, unwrapped her from the towel, and she had her mouth open like she was dead. Then she sprung upwards and stood shakily. I had no choice, she was too sick to cure. I cried and cried and cried, and I begged my mom to bury her since I was on my way to work. I figured she deserved that much since I couldn't help her. She was a cute little gray kitten. I never really gave her a name but I still cried when she left.
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