I hope you don't mind me posting this. I needed to find people who understand what I am going through.

I had my cat Pepsi since I was 8 years old (I'm 28 now). On Wednesday Morning at 12:15am, Pepsi died in my arms.

3 years ago, Pepsi was very thin and had what seemed like a bite on his leg that was so severe you could see right through it. I took him to the vet, she took one look at Pepsi and said to me "Is there anyone you need to talk to?" I knew exactly what she meant. I looked at Pepsi lying on the table and felt I owed it to him not to give up on him, I was his spokesperson, he couldn't talk for himself. So I told her that getting him put down was the extreme last option and I wanted whatever tests, blood etc that she could give him to find out why he had lost so much weight. She did as I asked.

While waiting for the blood results, I bathed his leg in salt water at least twice a day, I hand fed him his favourite chicken. I even set my alarm to go off at two hour intervals during the night to hand feed him and see how he was. I finally got the test results back, they didn't know what caused his leg but the blood tests revealed he had chronic liver disease. I took him back to the vet and she was absolutely shocked that Pepsi had put on weight and his hole in the leg was starting to heal. He had more blood tests done and another vet phoned me with the results. He gave the standard advice of watching his eating and how often he used the litter tray, but beyond that there wasn't much help. I researched loads via the net and did what I could to help.

Fast forward to where I am now. Pepsi, since that time was never going to be anything but a thin cat, we accepted this and by the amount he ate, it wasn't holding him back!! Over a couple of days my baby boy started to fail, his back legs weren't working properly and he kept falling over. On Tuesday night, he was lying in front of the fire and I was lying beside him petting him. He looked so listless, his eyes had lost their sparkle. Then he had three fits, his body shook and at the end of each one he let out this meow. I knew what was coming, I knew my baby boy was dying. I did think about calling a vet, but I knew that all they would do was put him down and in my heart I knew the end was coming naturally. I picked Pepsi up and sat on the sofa with him in my arms, I stroked him and told him how much I loved him and I understood if he had to go. Then all too soon, Pepsi took his last breath while in my arms. I held him until about 5am when I knew I had to put him in a box. During that time I kept stroking him and telling him how much I loved him through my tears. I put a little cuddly toy in beside him because he looked so lonely. I keep that toy beside my computer now.

I wanted him buried in a Pet Cemetry but the one closest to us had closed 3 years before and the nearest one was about and hour and a half away. I didn't want him left out there all by himself. So I opted to have him cremated. Seeing my little boy lying in the 'chapel of rest' really broke my heart. I wasn't taking him home, it wasn't a nightmare, it was real. I had my mum, dad and one of my sisters with me so I wasn't alone physically but emotionally I have never felt so alone. Picking up his ashes was a surreal experience.

His ashes are in my bedroom on top of my chest of drawers, I have 'The Rainbow Bridge' story printed out and in a frame beside him along with a picture of him in another frame. I also instantly went out and bought a fireproof/water resistant safe and put Pepsi's little bits and pieces in it - his collar, pawprints in clay and little bits of his fur etc. I know I don't get any second chances with that.

I grew up with him, he knew more secrets about me than anyone. As like your pets if you were upset, they had a special way of making things not seem so bad. You know they understand you when you spoke to them. Now like many of you I am so lost. My family have tried to make it easier for me, they said I needed to do what I needed to do - like lighting a candle when he died etc.

I feel so guilty if I try and do things to take my mind of the pain of him not being here. I went back to work today and my stomach churned the entire time, I feel calmer at home, but I know I can't be at home all the time.

I have read a few of your stories and my thoughts are with you all.

Thank you for reading.

I am so sorry you both had to say Goodbye, and in particular the way it happened, though the last thing he saw was what he wanted to see-YOU.
You Were There for him just as he was for you for the majority of your life.
Twenty years is a long time. I hope that someday you can repeat a special friendship with a new friend. It will not be the SAME, but it can be very, very good in its own way, because they are all so unique.
I found that it helped me tremendously, when the time and situation was right. Sometimes it becomes right when a New friend just shows up out of nowhere. They, or Fate, seem to _know_. And one day when it is proper, someone may show up, knocking on your life, applying for a job as a Cat.

Thank you so much for your kind words, it really means a lot to me. Pepsi was such a special cat to me... no wait he was more than that as you all will know - he was my best friend. I know it was his time, but even that thought isn't helping me much right now.

I'm sorry you lost your best friend too.

L x

Wow, I cannot tell you how much reading yours and Pepsi's story is doing for me right NOW. 4 weeks ago today, I had to put my beautiful golden retreivor to sleep. She was 13. At the same time my second dog Gretchen had been losing more and more weight. Well, to make this short, I was expecting them to take one look at her and offer to end her. But they said they wanted to keep her tonight, hydrate her, do blood work, xrays, and ultrasound in the am. Maybe, just maybe, there is more time for us together. As I was sitting here and waiting I read your missive, and it gave me a glimmer of more hope for Gretchen than I've had in days. The thought of losing both my girls in one month has been paralyzing. I haven't even discussed it at work as when Brandy passed I missed work for a week. And of course, I got the looks. So I am heartbroken for your loss and inspired by your courage. To have a loved pet for 20 years is indeed a gift of total joy and love. I believe we live too long and our pets don't live long enough. Thank you, and blessings. Maddy


I hope you don't mind me posting this. I needed to find people who understand what I am going through.

I had my cat Pepsi since I was 8 years old (I'm 28 now). On Wednesday Morning at 12:15am, Pepsi died in my arms.

3 years ago, Pepsi was very thin and had what seemed like a bite on his leg that was so severe you could see right through it. I took him to the vet, she took one look at Pepsi and said to me "Is there anyone you need to talk to?" I knew exactly what she meant. I looked at Pepsi lying on the table and felt I owed it to him not to give up on him, I was his spokesperson, he couldn't talk for himself. So I told her that getting him put down was the extreme last option and I wanted whatever tests, blood etc that she could give him to find out why he had lost so much weight. She did as I asked.

While waiting for the blood results, I bathed his leg in salt water at least twice a day, I hand fed him his favourite chicken. I even set my alarm to go off at two hour intervals during the night to hand feed him and see how he was. I finally got the test results back, they didn't know what caused his leg but the blood tests revealed he had chronic liver disease. I took him back to the vet and she was absolutely shocked that Pepsi had put on weight and his hole in the leg was starting to heal. He had more blood tests done and another vet phoned me with the results. He gave the standard advice of watching his eating and how often he used the litter tray, but beyond that there wasn't much help. I researched loads via the net and did what I could to help.

Fast forward to where I am now. Pepsi, since that time was never going to be anything but a thin cat, we accepted this and by the amount he ate, it wasn't holding him back!! Over a couple of days my baby boy started to fail, his back legs weren't working properly and he kept falling over. On Tuesday night, he was lying in front of the fire and I was lying beside him petting him. He looked so listless, his eyes had lost their sparkle. Then he had three fits, his body shook and at the end of each one he let out this meow. I knew what was coming, I knew my baby boy was dying. I did think about calling a vet, but I knew that all they would do was put him down and in my heart I knew the end was coming naturally. I picked Pepsi up and sat on the sofa with him in my arms, I stroked him and told him how much I loved him and I understood if he had to go. Then all too soon, Pepsi took his last breath while in my arms. I held him until about 5am when I knew I had to put him in a box. During that time I kept stroking him and telling him how much I loved him through my tears. I put a little cuddly toy in beside him because he looked so lonely. I keep that toy beside my computer now.

I wanted him buried in a Pet Cemetry but the one closest to us had closed 3 years before and the nearest one was about and hour and a half away. I didn't want him left out there all by himself. So I opted to have him cremated. Seeing my little boy lying in the 'chapel of rest' really broke my heart. I wasn't taking him home, it wasn't a nightmare, it was real. I had my mum, dad and one of my sisters with me so I wasn't alone physically but emotionally I have never felt so alone. Picking up his ashes was a surreal experience.

His ashes are in my bedroom on top of my chest of drawers, I have 'The Rainbow Bridge' story printed out and in a frame beside him along with a picture of him in another frame. I also instantly went out and bought a fireproof/water resistant safe and put Pepsi's little bits and pieces in it - his collar, pawprints in clay and little bits of his fur etc. I know I don't get any second chances with that.

I grew up with him, he knew more secrets about me than anyone. As like your pets if you were upset, they had a special way of making things not seem so bad. You know they understand you when you spoke to them. Now like many of you I am so lost. My family have tried to make it easier for me, they said I needed to do what I needed to do - like lighting a candle when he died etc.

I feel so guilty if I try and do things to take my mind of the pain of him not being here. I went back to work today and my stomach churned the entire time, I feel calmer at home, but I know I can't be at home all the time.

I have read a few of your stories and my thoughts are with you all.

Thank you for reading.
[/quote]

I am very sorry about Pepsi. 20 years is a long time. My Little Guy was 16 1/2 years and he was the oldest pet I ever had. Not only did you take such good care of Pepsi so he was with you for 20 years, but what you went through to have him those 3 extra years is amazing.

It is truly like losing a part of you for he was a part of you for so many of your years.

I agree with the advice Jon730 said in his post here to you. It is true that nothing takes away the pain of them being gone but for me also, I needed the help of a new boy, a distraction to help me get through a lot of the pain. It did take a while to realize I needed that. But then it took a while to realize my boy was not coming back. The best I could do for him was give him peace because all that was left for him would have been suffering with no cure. That was my final gift to him to repay all that beautiful unconditional love he gave me for a very long time...and, as we know, it is never long enough.

Your memorial to him in your room sounds beautiful. It shows you are still taking care of him now, just as you did for his twenty years of life.

So there is a new Angel...whose name is Pepsi...who will now watch over you forever.

what a beautiful story, you can honestly say that you did everything...alot of us here play the if only game only for us to try to grasp that we did what we could given the information available. 20 years is a long time, i can only imagine having mine as a child instead of at the beginning of my adulthood, which is hard enough. he waited for you to be with him, a true testiment of love. my oliver waited until 15 min after i left the vets, and although it would have killed me, i would do anything to have been the one to talk him through it instead of the vet tech. i too keep him on my dresser, with his favorite toys. i especially love the poem, i only wanted you. i need to print that and do as you did by placing it with his picture. unfortunately, the crematory came and got him before i could go back and get a whisker and some fur and say goodbye, that is something i don't think will ever sit right with me. i am very sorry for your loss, try to remember you were given a wonderful gift to have him for so long and to be chosen as the one to be with him in his final moments, you were very special to him and it shows. it will take a long time to heal, come here often and post pictures and stories when you are able.

sarah (oliver's mama)

Thank you everyone.

loneredhorse - Thank you, I sent you a private message too. My fingers are crossed for your Gretchen x

LoveThem - Thank you so much, your kind words have provided such a lot of comfort. I like the part about there being a new angel...! I understand that people like to have new babies, but its not something I can think about right now. I want to give Pepsi the grieving time he deserves. And maybe when the time is right I shall be telling you about my new baby! I'm sorry to hear about your little guy, I have read your posts and feel for you. x

Oliver's Mama - I am sorry to hear about Oliver, no matter when he died he would have known you loved him and were there for him always. Thank you so much for your words about Pepsi, much appreicated. I collected a whisker and the pawprints from 3 years ago when everyone was so certain I would lose him them. I collected the fur this time though. But at the end of the day, we don't need those things really - we have them where it matters, in our hearts where they will remain forever.

There are definately angels here on earth, each and everyone who replied to me.

Thank you

An hour away from it being a full week since my baby boy Pepsi took his last breath. Strange emotions passing through me at the moment. A lot of disbelief that a week has actually gone by. A week since I last held him. Yes, it hurts

I miss you Pepsi x

Hi LauraK, You were so blessed to have had Pepsi for so long. When I was 8 I had Whiskers, she passed when I was 26. There was a lot of hurt when she left my world. At that time I also had Daisy who became everything to me. She passed at 12yrs. You were there when he passed, in your arms where he wanted to be. I never had that. Whisk was sick and I couldn't put her down, she died in the house(selfeshness on my part), I was not there. Daisy got sick, my Dad had her put down and didn't tell me 'til 3 days after! Again I was not there. I look back and same for you, always remind yourself that you gave your Pepsi a happy, loving home, and he paid you back by hanging around so long. You are so truely lucky.. I lost my Arthur 2mo ago. He was only 2..So 2 or 20 it still hurts. He loved you very much for so many years. I don't know what is worst however, a young loss with so many years to look forward to, or an aging pet who was part of your everyday life as you've known for so long. Anyways a speedy recovery to you...Hugs.. Ann

Thank you Ann, I was really low last night. I held Pepsi's box in my hands at the same time as he passed last week. I kept remembering that even though he had died, I still had him in my arms and could stroke him. Now all I have is a little wooden box.

I don't believe it was selfishness on your part with your cat Whiskers, at least you knew when she died it was her natural time, no wondering if you had put her down too soon etc. I feel for you over Daisy too, but they both knew how much you loved them. I'm sorry about Arthur too, 2 years is young. But I know he would have gave you all the unconditional love he could in that time, and you will still have a lot of memories. I think either a short time or a long time is as bad, because the depth of how we felt about them that makes it hurt so much. x

So kiddo,

I found a video of you from my phone. I must have saw you on my windowsill in my bedroom from the stairs and decided to film us saying hello. I said "Hello" and you replied with your usual two ever excited meows, then as normal I petted you.

I felt a bit teary after it, but then I realised its a good thing to have. I have captured that special greeting on camera. I will have it forever. The place on the windowsill where you were holds two pictures of you in frames and in the middle the cat candle Emma brought back from Paris.

I have Snarly (the rat you used as a pillow sometimes!) and Mr Happy (the first soft toy I could find to keep you company in your box until we could get you to the crematorium) sitting beside me too. I take a quick look behind me as I move my chair out from my desk, because I remember when you had given up sitting on my knee that was where you would go, right behind my chair beside the radiator - didn't seem to matter if it was on or not!

Wherever you are Pepsi, I hope that you are happy and you know how much you were loved and how much I still do. Your pawprints are firmly printed on my heart and will be forever. If you see Stephen, Altlanta, Malibu, Schnapps and Aqua (the mice) or Postman Pat, Shane, Mikey, Ronan and Keith (the fish - oh how I wish I wasn't a boyzone fan when I named them!!) or Hammy (Hamster) play nicely! I'll be with you all one day.

Until then sweeheart, I'll still miss and love you everyday. x x x

I hope nobody minds but I felt I wanted to post a few pics of Pepsi. Its been nearly 3 weeks now. Still miss him like mad x

x

One more x

Sweet kitty. Thanks for sharing.

-Marcie

First hello and sorry of Pepsi's passing.

We could never get tired of your stories and pictures.
He was a very handsome cat.

Hugs to YOu!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Beautiful pictures Laura...
I keep replaying last days, all our fun, etc. too, so I know that feeling.
Yes, wk. 1 marker was bad- made me shakey.
You can be sure your baby definitely knew how much you loved him. You're such
a special person too. Thank you for your last sweet note. Will check on
you. You are in my prayers. ***
23kitty23

He was a beautiful kitty, he looks very much like the cuddling kind with the way he's sort of upside down. Post as many pics as you like, in fact I think I will do the same.

There are many markers and they get easier, but the missing part stays the same I think. Take care,

Sarah

Hello,

Omarmommy - Thank you.
sissycat - Thank you for your words - hugs right back to you too!
23kitty23 - Thank you so much for being there for me, and the pm's.
oliver's mama - He was a super cuddly cat, I miss the snuggling up!

Today is not a great day. The tears have come back again today. I think the weekends are worse for me, during the week I was at work during the day so it was mostly weekends when I saw him enjoying the sun out in the back garden or just enjoying outside. Pepsi loved his comforts though! I've never gone this long in 20 years without having him in my arms, and I think that is the hardest to deal with, that I will never have that again. My stomach is totally in knots . today.

I'm trying to plan all sorts for today so I am not sitting here brooding, but its annoying me how everyone around's life is just going on as normal. I go between wanting to be with people and not. Feel like I am on a rollercoaster that isn't stopping. I want to talk about him, but then I don't because everything I have to say about him is in the past. I will have no more in the present stories.

The adult in me knows I will have bad days, that will become less as time goes on. But the kid in me wants to scream.

Hope you are all having a better day today.

Dearest Laura, I only just saw your post and responses for the first time this morning. My deepest condolences upon the loss of your precious fur baby Pepsi. My Gosh, 18 years together is a very long time and I can only imagine how much you two have experienced together since you were 8 years old. How heart breaking and my heart truly goes out to you. Please forgive me as I am very sensitive so am crying at this time for you and Pepsi when I know I ought to be offering you comfort. I am so very sorry, Dear One! The longest I ever had a kitty fur kid was 15 years and I know it tore me up when I had to finally put him to sleep after so many Vet visits, treatments, at home medications by mouth and I gave him daily subdural injections in the back of his neck for hydration starting at 20 cc ending at 60 cc a day. That was Cocoa and he was my kitty right before Styx who I have now and is an old man of 13 years old.

I only have the fondest memories of Cocoa now but it sure took a while so I can empathize with you completely. It does not make it any easier how old or young your fur baby is and not even any easier if it's sudden or you know it's inevitable and just a matter of time.

Yes, it does get better but do take all the time in the world you feel you need to grieve. I feel your great sorrow and pain. What a beautiful, adorable, amazing fur child your Pepsi is! The photos show that and all your love for him.

Please know you are in my thoughts, prayers and I'm winging many Angels to you and your cherished fur baby Pepsi for comfort and guidance through what must be the just about the most gosh awful difficult time in your life, Laura.

I'm also about to go light candles for you and your cherished fur child Pepsi as I find it helpful and comforting since it's such a loving experience. Please feel free to light candles online for yourself, your fur baby Pepsi or any reason you wish, too. It's free and you can light as many candles as you want as often as you desire. Here's the direct link to the post in the "Pet Loss Support Resources and Articles" forum giving the link in case you'd like to visit. Just click on the Light a Candle image.



Someone asked me how to find the candles I've lit for them and their fur children so I'll tell you now how to find yours. Once you get to this link, go to the upper left hand, click "Search" and type in the initials: "DZ" and that will take you to the candles I've lit for you, your fur child Pepsi as well as all the other candles I've lit for others. And here is the direct link to that site: Light a Candle.

Please come back and talk more when you're able. I know how difficult it can be to type through your tears but it sure does help to talk with those of us who understand and care! Remember you are so loved!

Many Comforting Hugs!!!

Always,
Dottie xoxoxox

Thank you Dottie. I did actually check this earlier on in the week and saw the candle - the words with it were lovely. Thank you for thinking about me. Yeah 20 years of memories are a lot, and also a hard habit to break! Can't beleive in a few days it will have been a month. I've kept up to date with your story and I really felt for you too.

I think just knowing someone knows how it feels is all the comfort we need sometimes.

Thanks again x

Laura,

I love your new pictures of Pepsi. Thank you for sharing them. I always say these babies are not really looking into the camera..they are looking into our eyes and the camera just happens to be in the way.

So many years are imprinted on our memories. Never long enough.

Unfortunately my one year anniversary is tomorrow and I will remember what happened that day..in detail. Those are the kind of memories my mind will remember..I don't think the last day with them does fade...it is too intense.

That is wonderful you found a video and can hear Pepsi and see him responding to you.
How priceless is that?

I didn't have that and would love to have a video of my Little Guy..in fact all 3 siblings. But I do have some of Lucky, my new adoptee, now. I didn't realize I could get a very small video camera for under $100 else I would have gotten one..just for my lost ones. At least I took quite a few pictures of Little Guy and his sister. His twin, Keeper...not so many cause I had the feeling they would all be here forever....

You are so right that we do here all understand and share the same feelings and pain..almost as if we were one person. Comforting others can be a distraction that also comforts us.

Writing to our special ones can be comforting also.

Take care....it is so wonderful you did have the number of years with your boy that you had, but sometimes when I think back over all my babies...I think the longer they are with us...the longer it takes to truly heal and we never heal completely because we will miss them forever.

Hugs,
Judy

Judy,

Thank you for your kind words.

I was also like you, I thought Pepsi was some wonder cat who would outlive us all! So there is a lot of years I didn't take any pictures. I'm still to go through my video camera tapes, although I think I am putting it off, hoping there is more of him on those tapes than there is! One day I shall look!

The video of Pepsi responding to me is priceless you are so right. Made me cry and smile at the same time. It is on a cd and its locked away like its golddust!

I know I will miss Pepsi forever. Through every 'crisis' in my life (well I thought they were crisis at the time, I was a teenager!!) he was the one constant comfort. I didn't even think when he died, that I would need him the most to help me get through it. Although I think in his own special way he is doing what he can to help! As I'm sure your Littleguy is helping you.

Thank you for writing Judy, you are in my thoughts and I hope the one year anniversary isn't too painful for you.

Lots of hugs back to you

L x

Dottie,

Your tribute to Pepsi made me giggle! He probably was thinking something along those lines! Hope you are ok.

Thank you!

L x

Well its been a year now, almost to the minute.

Its been a weird year, so many bad times, and so many times I wish Pepsi had been here with me. I can still remember the night so vividly.

Just wanted to come back here to mark it as being a year and to thank people again for the help during that time. You understood where I was coming from, when others couldn't.

I miss you Pepsi x

LauraK remembering you & Pepsi in my prayers on your first anniversary.
elaine

Thank you so much Elaine