I'm new here and so glad I found this forum. I have been reading the posts since yesterday and I'm not feeling so alone anymore. I lost my 16 and a half year old kitty, Angel, on Sunday. She had been diagnosed with hyper-thyroid about two years ago and our vet had put her on transdermal methimazol because the pills had her very sick. She did so well untill maybe two months ago on the transdermal. Her coat was looking georgeous and she had gained a little bit of weight. At the beginning of the summer she was starting to eat a lot more again and she was yelling at us A LOT. Angel had always been a talker so I thought maybe since she's getting so old she's just becoming ornery. LOL. She started to get lazier and her coat started getting knots again a few weeks ago. I'm pregnant, due in November and over the past month or so I've just had the feeling that my girl was not gonna make it until November. Well, on Sunday we came home and she seemed ok. She jumped onto the couch to be near me and she fell over, almost like her hind quarters were paralyzed. I got up and tried to get her to stand and she just couldn't. I started to cry instantly, called my husband in and he was trying to get her to move around. All she did was lay there and look at us. She just didn't look right. I picked her up and she was purring. There I am crying my eyes out, after all this couldn't be good! Hubby starts searching for an emergency vet hospital to take her to because it being Sunday our vet was closed. We found a place and drove her there. The whole way there she didn't make a peep and that's when I KNEW we were in trouble. She is NEVER quiet in the car. The vet took her in right away and there was very bad news. The vet told us she had ulcers under her tongue and that is tell tale sign of kidney failure, she also heard a heart murmur and thought that since she was so confused and couldn't walk that she may have a brain tumor or something to that effect. She said due to the heart murmur she was not sure how much testing or treatment or surgery Angel could survive but that she would definately try and treat her if we so chose to take that route. She said our other option would be to say goodbye to our pretty girl and that if we chose to do that she wouldn't say we were making the wrong choice. She had deteriorated so much just since she had jumped on the couch, now she was just laying there, barely moving... there was just nothing left of my girl. We decided to let her go, I felt it was the kindest thing to do for her. I didn't want to torture her, I didn't want her to be suffereing just so I could keep her around a little longer. That was the hardest decision of my life. We sat with her and petted her, kissed her, talked to her and said goodbye. I cried all night and all the next day... and the next day I cried a bunch... I never thought there were so many tears in me! Angel was my girl since I was 16 years old... half my life. She's been everywhere with me, through everything and I just kept thinking, "she's been there for every big life event... but she's not going to meet my first baby." I have two younger boy cats at home and I love them so much but life is just not the same without my Angel.

Hi, Starbellied, please accept my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved Angel. Losing a beloved furchild is never easy. Euthanasia is very similar to having to decide to stop life support for a loved human family member or friend. But it is the last gift of love we can give our fukids on this side of eternity -- at great sacrifice to us - - so that they can join the angels in heaven's perfect garden with their dignity still intact. Our furkids are so adept at disguising how they are feeling until they are so very sick, or terminally ill. And of course this does nothing to help us as their caregivers until it is more often times too late to help make them better. Of course your heart and your home feel empty without Angel - - this is a part of the grief journey and adjusting to the absence of Angel's physical presence. But hopefully, in time, you will begin to understand that Angel's sweet living Spirit is still with you in your heart and your memories, and no one and nothing can ever take this away from you. It is good that you are crying because these are healing tears. Scientific studies prove that our tears cleanse our bodies of the toxic chemicals that build up in our bodies from stress, and grieving the loss of a beloved furchild is definitely stress. And one day - - probably when you least expect it, you will be thinking about Angel and find yourself smiling, and then you'll know that your relationship with Angel has only transformed to a temporary different dimension. She is still with you in every way that she always has been, even though she is not with you in her physical presence. Please know that you are in our thoughts and prayers, Starbellied, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,

moon_beam

Hi Starbellied,

Oh my god, you have my deepest sympathy, please know that. I just went through the same thing letting my little man go. It sucks, it hurts, it makes your soul bleed, you just want to scream and say "why"?

There is nothing we can do to relieve our pain, only to know that we do not want our precious friends to suffer..... I had to make that decision, and it KILLED ME, but I have to believe that it's the right decision. For them.

I can only say that time heals, as I found out, but don't be afraid to cry or feel angry and sad, as I still do. My loss is going to be 3 weeks and I still cry every night when I'm alone with my thoughts.

Take care, and know that we are all here to listen and to help!

Geese

Thank you for your thoughts. It means alot to me. I forgot to mention that I pulled out the video recorder last night and found a short video of my Angel from about February. She looked so much younger and she was moving differently and everything in that video. At that point I just knew I had made the right choice. Over the past few weeks I think I just didn't let myself believe what I was seeing. Her health was really declining fast. But that girl still ran and played and ate (A LOT) and curled up with us and purred... Just slower... Looking at that video and thinking of how she looked and moved over the past few weeks confirmed that she must've been suffereing quietly. That made me feel a little bit better about what happened. I've been cuddling up with the purple fuzzy pillow she had slept on in her last few weeks and that comforts me alot. And today is the first day since Sunday where I can actually smile and not cry my eyes out when I think of her quirky behaviors or the cute things she did. But trust me, I am still crying... but at least I can smile a little now. And I keep thinking, maybe she really is an angel now. Maybe my baby girl (due in November) needed a kitty angel to watch over her.

I am so sorry about your loss. I lost my boy, Little Guy, after over 16 1/2 years..in an emergency situation also. I'm glad you feel you made the right decision. I know I did too. That doesn't make everything hurt any less but it does help not to have the burden of that question while grieving.

I had to smile at your reference to having a kitty angel watching over you and your new baby. Sounds like a perfect job for Angel. You must have named her that because you knew she was one and would always be one.

I'm glad you came here and read the posts so you know you are not alone in feeling the hurt and the pain. We are always relieved they are not suffering in any way anymore..but...can't help thinking...wish none of it happened and they are still here physically and are doing okay. I'm also glad you say you can smile a little now.

I guess what helped me the most to start healing and be able to smile was remembering WHY I made the decision. I can smile at a picture without crying. But I can also look at it and cry too. My boy was suffering at the time. all of a sudden..emergency suffering..and I had no choice but to do what was best for him. There was no cure. His age, like your baby, ..well, you can only have them go through so much and it seems like...we lose them anyway when it is their time to go...so why put them through more discomfort. Trying to do more gives us hope but when we know deep down there is no cure but only a worsening of symptoms...they are too precious to allow that to happen to them.

This is a place where people do share your pain and we all understand how each other feels for we are there with them at the same time. You can come here and post your feelings and thoughts anytime. Maybe share a picture of Angel...maybe write her a letter here in your topic....sometimes it helps for us to "talk" to them.

When you are here, you are not alone...that is so important. Keep posting and sharing...we are always listening.

Hugs to you and your family and to your new "Angel".......Angel.

P.S. I believe you are right...your new baby has an angel watching and protecting...cause that what Angels do.

Dear Starbellied,

You have my deepest sympathy. It is never easy to say goodbye to a friend. I know how you feel - I had to have my Scottie put to sleep because her cancer had gotten to the point that there was nothing they could do. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. That was three years ago and I miss her alot.

It has been 27 days since my Westie Skipper died. Like you, I had her for a very long time. SHe would have been 17 this month. Her health was also declining, and like you when I look at pictures and videos I realize it was her time, but I still could not prepare myself. I still really miss her, and the house feels so empty.

I am sorry for your pain. I just try and think of my babies on Rainbow Bridge playing and being forever youthful. Angel is now out of pain.

Nancy

Thanks again for the kind words. I'm going to try to post some pictures of my girl in this reply. I'm really new at this so please be patient. These were taken last winter. Oh I miss her so much... She was such a sweet girl. She didn't like other cats at all, she was a people cat. She loved yogurt. We have this stuffed animal cat that makes a kittenish meow sound when you press it's tummy and every time we made it meow she would go searching the house for "the baby". So cute. I could probably fill a book with all her quirky/cute behaviors. I miss my girl. I raised her from 6 weeks old. I didn't pick her, she came to me. My neighbor's cat had a litter. I had lost my cat a few months before then, she ran away and never came home. Well, he brought her to me to cheer me up. It was Valentine's Day. I didn't even name her, he did. He called her Angel because her fur was so soft and fluffy, "Like angel hair" he said. Oh my pretty girl...

Well, it's one week today that I lost my girl. I find that every day I cry a little less but I still hurt so bad. I got Angel's ashes on Thursday and I thought I'd be ok. I opened the box and saw the tiny package wrapped in green tissue paper and I lost it. I do feel better knowing she is home though... and I don't know, that may sound strange. But it does comfort me just a little bit. I woke up this morning and while I was getting my breakfast together I stopped and realized it's Sunday and I said to my husband, "Angel's been gone a week today..." I think he may not have realized it or he may have been trying to not think about it and he said quietly, "I know..." I just keep thinking that last week right at this very second I was sitting on the beach, happy, not realizing what was going to unfold once I came back home. It kills me... I hate thinking that way. I keep thinking that everything was fine, it was a beautiful day and then we were saying goodbye to her all of the sudden and it turned into a terrible day that I will hate for the rest of my life. I hate August 3. I hate that my girl is gone and I hate that she was sick and I was too ignorant to realize it. I told my husband how stupid I felt the other night that I should've realized there was something going on with her because there was more urine in the litter than normal and I kept cleaning up vomit (my one boy cat used to get overzealous with food, stuff himself silly and bring it back up, so I just figured he was back to his old tricks...) Since I never saw Angel vomiting, I just chalked it up to Ozzy being a piggy again. He tried to make me feel better, said "what could we have done if we got her to the doctor a week sooner? she still would be sick, she still would've had a heart problem and that still would've made it so she may not have made it through any treatments". I agreed but thought maybe if I had realized sooner that maybe she wouldn't have suffered that day... I know now I couldn't have saved her but I keep thinking that I could've saved her from the pain. I don't know. He said to me, "please don't beat yourself up, she knew we loved her." And then I remembered that right after I realized how sick she was last week when she couldn't walk or hold her little self up I picked her up and I was crying... she started to purr... She was so sick and you could tell she was very confused but I picked her up and it made her happy at least enough to start her purring... And then I had to agree with him, yes, she did know we loved her.

So sad, yet so sweet. Thanks for sharing. My boy was too big for me to carry, but I so wanted to pick him up and run away.

i am very sorry for your loss, she was a beautiful bushy kitty. i know exactly what you speak of when you hate the day (May 6 for me) and live the whole pre and post life. for me, an oliverless world is so blah. do take comfort in knowing she was so loved and you were in return. you can't control when they go but you did control her time here and made it as wonderful as you could, which is more than alot of people do in this world. i too do the monday morning quarterbacking (complete with "how did i not see how much he was urinating") but it never changes the outcome. if she would have said "i'm sick" you would have acted as would we all. cats are just particularly hard because of their stoic nature, that often times by the time they are symptomatic, the progression of the sickness is advanced. take care,

sarah (oliver's mama)

Hi, Starbellied, I just read your post from this morning. Isn't it amazing how one day follows another and when you lose a beloved furchild - - why care? Life isn't the same when we lose a beloved furchild, and the absence of their presence in our lives is deafening. Our furkids do know that we love them, and I'm glad your husband has been able to remind you of that very fact. Our furkids are so adept at disguising how they are feeling until they can no longer do so, and by that time we are faced with some very grim realities to deal with. Thank you so much for sharing photos of your beautiful Angel with us - - she is gorgeous, and I do say the present tense because her sweet Spirit is still alive through you and your husband. As each day gets a little bit easier to endure please know you will never forget your sweet Angel. You can never forget the ones you love deeply and completely. And Angel is with you always - - in your heart and in your memories.

Peace and blessings,

moon_beam

Hi Starbellied, I'm so deeply sorry for your loss. I can relate about the 16 yrs. I had a cat when I was 8 and she died when I was 26. Like you, we grew up together. It hard letting go. I didn't let go, I was young and selfish, and she suffered for 3mo until she died in the house. I vowed never to do that again. When I lost my Arthur 2 mo ago, long story short, he too had a heart murmmer, and surgery was questionalbe. But they felt like his injuries were too severe and surgery wasn't going to help him. I've cried every day since. Your Angel was beautiful, and you were lucky to have had her so long. She had a happy and loving home. Congrats on the new baby. In time it will be a welcomed distraction. You can tell your new baby bedtime storys of your Angel. I also admire your strength for watching her videos. I have a few very short clips of my boy, and I think I would have been better off stabbing a knife in my heart than looking at that right now. Big mistake. Anyways.. My thoughts are with you. I hope you have a speedy recovery.. Ann