The morning of July 24, 2008 I awoke to find that my beloved beagle Larry was dead. About 6 weeks earlier the vet told me he had cancer and it had spread to his lymph nodes so it was just a matter of time. Not being able to make the decision to euthanize him at that moment I took him home. I could see that Larry was declining but I just couldn't make myself make an appointment with the vet. The night before, as I did every night, I hugged him, told him how much I loved him and that if he could not hang on one more day that I would be very sad but would always love him. He was 11 years old, an old man, but I wanted him to stay with me just a little longer. The day before he died I decided that the next day I would call the vet. This way my husband, a trucker and on the road the days prior, would be home to accompany me. During the night or early morning, Larry went out into the back garden. He must have had a seizure or passed out as I found my baby floating in the pool. The last place Larry would go was near any body of water, he hated getting wet, he wouldn't even go out if it was raining. All I can think of now is if I had not been so selfish and taken him to the vet sooner he would not have suffered. For the rest of my life I will carry the guilt of killing him. I held him close to me and cried. I kept telling him how sorry I was that I let him down and that I didn't take care of him the way he deserved to be. Now when I look at the pool that at one time was the scene of many happy family actvities I want to vomit. I take full responsibility for passively killing my baby. I suppose it was fitting punishment that my husband was delayed comming home by an extra day and the task of burying Larry was left to me. I go out to his grave at least twice a day and ask him to forgive me. My family thinks I've lost all sanity and I don't dare talk about this with any of my friends. Since that day I just go through the motions of my life and pretend that everything is okay. It's too late for Larry but my husband has agreed to add a gate to the railing around the pool. He's only trying to make me feel better but it's too little too late.
I've posted this because some one told me it helps to share your pain.

I am so sorry for your loss. I have nothing to say to make you feel better. But remember you gave him eleven wonderful years of a loving home and family. That is a beautiful gift.

It does help to share the pain. Here at LS we share in our deepest pain and walk with each other through healing in peace. You never have to walk alone. We are here for each other.

No matter how Larry passed away you would still feel guilty. Some of what all of us feel when our furbaby passes away includes guilt. We say what if? If only I had....... Coulda...shouda.....woudda. The overload of emotions send us on a wild rollercoaster ride that seems to have no end.

Larry knew you were a devoted and loving Mom to him. He would never hold anything against you. Your husband was not home to be by your side because he was working. Who could ever blame you for wanting to wait so you could have some comfort in the arms of your husband? Certainly not Larry because he loved you too.

I felt more than a little insane myself after my Goliath passed away so suddenly last Novemeber. I wondered who stole my head along with my Goliath. Thinking straight at all was completely out of the question because my mind and emotions went into a whirlwind. It took alot of time and tears as I began the long walk down that sad road of grief. Little by little I began to take baby steps until eventually I found a place of healing and peace in my heart and my mind.

Coming to LS provided me with inspiration and a hope of leading me back to living a healthy and happy life again. It will do the same for you if you stick around. We all share a common bond in that each of us has suffered the loss of a furbaby we loved so much.

Many comforting hugs with love,
Beth

Hi, LarrysMom, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved Larry. Please know that Larry loves you with all his heart - - and does not want you to feel guilty about his passing. Our beloved furkids know so much more than we do - - particularly when it comes to end of life issues. I would tend to believe that your Larry did not drown, but simply fell in the pool because he happened to be there when his sweet Spirit left his body. This means that he did not suffer in his final moments. Do I know this for sure? No, BUT I do know that our Father Creator is merciful, and I DO know beyond a shadow of a doubt that Larry is now healed and playing with the angels in heaven's perfect garden until it is your appropriate time to join him. And what a glorious reunion that will be because all memory of this horrible experience will no longer exist for you!! LarrysMom, please know that you did not kill your beloved Larry. Guilt is always a part of the initial stage of grief, and it is what robs us of our joyful memories that we need so badly to hold onto to get us through the grief journey. Larry does not want you feel guilty for the rest of your life. He wants you to remember him as he was with you all those years BEFORE the cancer took over your furbaby's body. Oh how well I know this firsthand, LarrysMom. I can well imagine how the pool is a painful thing for you to look at right now. You have experienced a horrible trauma of finding your beloved Larry there. But hopefully in time the imprint of this trauma will ease, and you will know in your heart that Larry wants you to find enjoyment with your family again. Unfortunately our society just barely accepts our need to grieve the loss of our human loved ones but is totally clueless in understanding that the loss of a beloved companion is just as traumatic - - if not worse - - becuase our furbabies offer us their unconditional love and undivided attention, and this is one of the many reasons why losing them hurts so bad for so long. Please know, LarrysMom, that you are not alone in your grief journey. Each of us here do understand how your heart is breaking right now, and we are here for you for as long as you need us. Plesae know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,

moon_beam

Hi Larry, I'm so sorry for your loss. The guilt seems to hit so many people. I'm feeling guilty because I euthanized my very sick golden retriever on July 25th. I keep thinking that maybe he could have had more time. In '04 my border collie died of sudden heart failure, and I beat myself up for not recognizing the very, VERY minor earlier sypmtoms that she'd displayed and taking her to the vet.

You sound like you loved your boy so much and gave him a wonderful life. In the end we can only do what we think is best. We are human. We love them.

You are absolutely right, The Lord Our Father is a merciful god and I can't believe that he would let a creature that loves and accepts unconditionally, the way our pets do, to suffer. I have to belive that Larry was dead when he fell in the water. My baby steps have been keeping my normal routine from day to day. Even something as simple as going to the grocery store has given me some moments of relief. I've taken comfort in recalling Sunday school lessons from when I was a child. I was raised Catholic and read about the life of St. Francis of Assisi. He devoted his life to nature and is the patron saint of nature, birds, and animals. Every year in Spain on his feast day the churches open their doors for parishoners to bring their animals in to be blessed. My belief is that any creature that can love with the depth and intensity of a pet has a soul and thus has a place in heaven. You have reminded me that he is beyond pain and sorrow so I should look forward to the day when he and I will be together again.
Each time I share my thoughts a feelings helps to heal the pain.
Thank you...

Dear LarrysMom, thank you so much for sharing your faith thoughts and beliefs. I have done an extensive study of the Scriptures and know that all of God's creatures - - great and small - - are in heaven's perfect garden. God created the animals to be our helpmates, and Scripture proves that they share the same "breath of life" with us - - and consequently they share with us in the eternal life which only God gives. Our grief journey does start out with baby steps toward the time when we can embrace the living Spirit of our furbabies even though we temporarily cannot embrace their physical bodies. God promises us that He will not leave us comfortless. And part of His keeping that promise is providing us fur parents access to those who understand our grief journey and are here to help us through the agonizingly painful adjustment to our loss. Hold onto your beliefs, LarrysMom, and thank you so much for sharing them with us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Peace and blessings to you,

moon_beam

Dear LarrysMom,

I'm so sorry about what happened. Other's said it best, but don't blame yourself. When i got my Candy's diagnosis, I put her through all kinds of chemo just to have her live longer and sometimes I feel guilty if I was doing what was best for her or for me.

At the end of the day, I realized that I and other's like yourself did the best you could. So know that Larry had a wonderful life and you did what you could and for that . . . your a terrific mom.

All my best

Candy's Dad

Hal

I am so very sorry for your loss. Most of us here go thru everything you are feeling. I remember feeling the guilt. I felt horrible. I am glad to say I am past the guilt feeling. She was choosen for a special reason at that moment. I still have bad days. (good days too) Just takes time.
We are all here for you. Ready to listen to your stories or look at pictures. Please share some when you are ready.
Many Hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so sorry for your loss of Larry. I know how hard it is to put down a sick/dying pet. I had an 18 yr old cat that was dying. I selfeshly let her suffer for 3 long months cuz I didn't want to let her go. The day I told her I would put her down, she died in the house that night. I think back, and as guilty I felt and still do(that was 22yrs ago) I looked upon it as a learning experience. Never forget that you gave Larry a very happy and long life.And never forget all the joy he gave you..Hugs .. Ann

I am sorry for your loss and sadness!

Try thinking of it another way. You did NOT passively kill him. He was terminally ill. That part had nothing to do with you.
Instead, you elected not to be his executioner, and not to make that decision.

We have lost animal friends both ways, and both cause recriminations and guilt. "did we do the right thing" ," Did we do everything we could?"
We always read these thoughts here because most people have them, but had you taken him sooner, then you would have felt the same way, but had different reasons.

It does slowly get better, if that can help. It will never go away, but will recede. But blaming yourself is not the way to make that happen. It is already bad enough as it is, and this makes it worse for no beneficial reason. YOU did not kill him, did you?

There are people on here devastated because some careless little thing caused an accident that killed thier friend...Like the person who did not check the clothes drier before they turned it on. Imagine how they felt, and how much of a load they carry. You did nothing like that.
How can there be anything wrong with NOT wanting to put your friend down.

I hope this is taken the way it is intended. You have enough hurt than to add to it by beating yourself up.
He would not want to see this happening to you, would he?

[quote name='Jon730' date='Aug 5 2008, 06:45 AM' post='41348']
We have lost animal friends both ways, and both cause recriminations and guilt. "did we do the right thing" ," Did we do everything we could?"
We always read these thoughts here because most people have them, but had you taken him sooner, then you would have felt the same way, but had different reasons.

Experiencing the loss of a loved one, animal or human, we tend to believe that we are the only ones in pain. I'm so grateful that I was led to this site where so many have gone or a going through the same and truly understand.
Today I was able to look at pictures of Larry and smile as I remembered what he was doing when it was taken. To help me heal I am following the adivce I gotten from so many kind hearts who have replied to me. I remind myself of all the good times we had, what I did to take care of him and make him happy and most of all that I did not kill my Larry. I have to remember that I must have done something good; the entire neighborhood knew us as "that spoiled rotten beagle and his mom".

Larrysmom,

I got a strange shock of deja vu while reading your post. When I was young, my family had a spaniel, Prince, who acted as my older brother. When he was 13, he was diagnosed with cancer. I don't know what kind, I was only 11 at the time, but I remember praying to God every night for Prince to be healed in exchange for the usual things an 11 year old offers (I'll keep my room clean, I'll get all A's, I won't back-talk, etc). I begged my mother not to put him to sleep.

One night, about six months after I found out about Prince's condition, my mother decided to go out with some friends while my little sister and I stayed home with a sitter. I let Prince outside about an hour before bedtime and forgot about him. As I was going to bed, however, I realized that he was nowhere around (he often slept with me). In a panic, I immediately raced outside with a flashlight. He was nowhere to be found in the yard, so, almost on instinct, I started scanning the pool. And that's where I found him, floating about two feet down in the deep end. I was horrified. The sitter came outside, made me go in the house, and scooped Prince out. He wrapped Prince in a towel and left him on a lounge chair, forbidding me from going back outside. My mother came home soon after, and also forbade me from seeing Prince one last time. I was in a horrible panic because I too felt as though I had been punished. It was I who refused to let Prince be put down humanely, I let him outside and forgot about him, and so I alone had to find him and never get to say goodbye.

It took me weeks to finally admit to myself that, while Prince was alive, he never showed any signs of resentment toward me. In fact, he was just as loving as he always had been. He knew that I couldn't handle his departure, so he held on for me as long as he could. And he didn't hold that against me. He loved me like a sister, as I'm sure Larry loved you as a mother. Being as old as he was, he probably thought of you as a sister, as well. The point is, he loved you and held on as long as he could for you. I don't think it was his intention, then, for you to beat yourself up the way you are. I don't think he would want that. Mourn for his loss, yes, but do not hold yourself accountable. You did not kill him, the cancer did. I cannot stress that enough.

As you may have read in my other posts, I just recently had to let my baby girl Stella go; she was also a beagle. She passed from acute kidney failure due to contracting leptospirosis. After letting her go, I couldn't help but think that I'd killed her. But I had to remind myself that I did not cause her passing, the lepto did. So d*mn the illness to h*ll, but do not d*mn yourself.

I'm not sure if this will help you, but when Prince passed my mom gave me a book of his photos, which I used to look through and talk to almost nightly. Yesterday I started making a scrapbook for Stella. It's just pictures and some do%%ents now, but I plan to go back and insert journal entries. It's starting to calm my heart a bit, like I'm paying proper tribute to her.

Anyway, we're all here for each other. Please don't blame yourself for what happened. It was not your fault.

Hugs,

Jaedon