Hi Everyone,

My name is Kristen and I live with my parents in Northern NJ. I am thankful to have found this forum. I am going through a rough time right now and this is helping.

Back in March my family found out that my mother had breast cancer and our 13 year old cat, Dinky, had a tumor in her leg. My mother would have surgery and her tests came back to reveal she needed chemo, which she is going through now. Her prognosis is good and she should be fine once the chemo and radiation is done. My cat, on the other hand, did not get a good prognosis. We could have surgically removed her lump but friends and family suggested that she was old and the anesthesia would be risky and it would be too stressful for her to get the chemo and radiation. I heard many stories where the cat went through it to die shortly after anyway.

Since March, Dinky's tumor grew fast. It got to a point where it became an open wound a couple of weeks ago. She started to eat less and kept to sleeping the day away under the dining room table. Tuesday night my mother suggested we go to the vet again. My sister and brother (who have long been out of our house, but were the ones to actually pick Dinky out at the shelter 13 years ago) came over and we all spent the night together with Dinky. We gave her tuna fish and she lapped it up like it was the best tuna ever. She gave us all a brave face, like there was nothing wrong, even though there was a very large tumor encompassing her back leg. That night she came to bed with me. At 1am I woke up to find her on my lap (I was sleeping on my back). She never did that before. The next morning we took her to the vet. I had a slight hope that he would say we could take her home and she'd have a little more time. To the contrary, he said it would not be a pre-mature decision to put her to sleep. He said that cats put a brave face on for their owners even if they are in great pain. It was a struggle, but my brother and father were by my side to help in the awful decision that day. I didn't want my Dinky to suffer any more. I didn't want to keep her around a couple more weeks just for me. So we decided that it was time. My dad had to leave to take my mother to her chemo session. My brother and I stayed with Dinky until the very end. She passed away quickly and quietly. She looked so peaceful.

Now I am left in my house which feels so empty. I feel so guilty for not trying the surgery for her. I feel like I killed her. I killed my best friend. I miss her so much and I don't know what to do. I woke up this morning and when I looked in the mirror I had a piece of her fir on my face. I smiled a little like it was a sign that she is still with me. I hope she is ok wherever she is. I hope she's not mad at me. I love her so much and I didn't want to see her in pain anymore. Does it get any easier? I just don't even want to be home anymore. It is not the same without her.

Thank you to anyone who has read this. Attached is a picture of my beautiful cat, my best friend, Dinky.
-Kristen

Dear Kristen,
Your Dinky is so beautiful, & looking at you with such love in her eyes.
I'm sure that you did the best thing for her & you were very brave to stay with her until the end. She wouldn't have wanted to endure what would probably not have cured her anyway - her leg amputated & then chemo which would have made her sick. A friend of mine went through all of that with her cat, but the cancer spread & she had to be p.t.s. only a few weeks later.
It will soon be 2 years since my Furry had to be p.t.s. due to progressive heart disease - I still miss her every day, but in that way I feel she is still alive within me. The dead we have loved never leave us, they live on in our memories & thoughts of them. You didn't kill her - whatever decision you had made there will always be doubts, always "what if's" & "if only's" I still have these.
Dinky knew she was loved & cared for, it just isn't fair that they can't be with us forever.
Take care, Judith

Dear Kristen,

Dinky is such a beauty and looks so content in the photos. You cannot blame yourself for her death. I have had friends who put their cats through chemo and surgery and in the end they did not get better. Dinky knew you loved her and that is the important thing. You did the very best you could for her and she obviously loved you alot.

I know how you feel. My Westie Skipper died in her sleep yesterday after almost 17 years with me and the house is so empty. I lost my Scottie Sasha three and a half years ago to a very aggressive cancer that we could not cure. You feel that pain and emptyness and no matter how old they are, it wasn't long enough. But in time the pain lessens and you will remember the good times you had. I really believe our babies are still with us in our hearts. Something/someone you love like that ever dies. And you have some wonderful photos and memories to remind you of Dinky.

Hoping you find peace...

Nancy

I am so sorry it was Dinky's time to leave. That's what I have come to believe that helps whenever I lose a special friend. That there comes a time they have to go and when that is decided by a power higher than anything we know on earth, there is nothing we can do...it is a battle we cannot win. We can only do what is best for them...give them peace...when there is no cure.

I am glad you had her for 13 years..it is never long enough...but others have lost babies sooner so I feel blessed I had my 3 babies, 10 years, 15 years, and 16 years.

Does it get any easier? No..but it does become different and the pain is not as devastatingly overwhelming as it is right now. Your pictures are beautiful and there she is staring right at you through the camera lens.

Mad at you? She never could be...it is not in their nature..that is what unconditional love is all about. To them, we can never do anything wrong. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You did your best to help her until you were told there was no more help. A surgery at that age is quite risky and yes, I too, have read of many passing away soon after anyway.

I have lost too many to cancer and it is truly a horrible disease and sometimes it seems the treatment is worse than the disease..I guess because treatment will give us hope when many times there really is none.

The way we repay their unconditional love is to not let them suffer even though they try to do it silently. I could have kept my Little Guy longer when his chest filled with fluid by having it drained so he could breathe (which is very painful to have done) and with cancer...it could fill up maybe in 24 hours and he would have to go through that. His choice was not being able to breathe because of fluid keeping his lungs from expanding or drain the fluid and breathe..for who knows how long and if I wasn't home..he would just suffocate to death. The best thing we can do for them is let them go..when it is time. Because we love them so much...that is the most painful decision of all..there is no turning back...and under the cir%%stances we make such a decision..we know inside we would not change the decision because we do it for them..to give them peace. They give us so much love and if we are lucky..for many years..it is so sad that the strongest way we can truly show our love for them is to let them go.

You are right...your home is not the same without her...it will never be the same again because she was unique and special and what she brought into your home and heart cannot be duplicated.

I did not like my empty home when the last of my 3, Little Guy, left in September, and so eventually I adopted a boy kitty from my local SPCA...who looks a lot like my babies I lost...
and it really helps me to be able to hug this boy and remember my babies. He is so happy to have a home and people who care about him, he just follows us everywhere all the time. He is the distraction I needed. He will never replace my special ones but he will create his own good memories for me. If I can't have my babies back, I cannot function being without one of this furbabies in my home. I named him Lucky because he survived a kill shelter was then abandoned and taken to a no-kill one where I found him. One look into his eyes and I saw a reflection of the connection I had with my Little Guy and his siblings.

We all have to look within ourselves and ask ourselves what would make us feel better.
We already know we cannot bring our best friends back and yet we must move forward somehow. We will miss them and love them forever and I would not trade having them in my life all those wonderful years..to avoid the few months of intense pain at the end.

One Mom here said: The pain of losing her will never ever be greater than the joy of knowing her. That says a lot in a few words. And I totally agree.

It is hard when it is so recent....this is the time to cry, to vent, to do whatever makes you feel like you can cope with it all. Post here your thoughts, your feelings, your stories about the beautiful years with Dinky....all these good memories will stay with us always.

Take care...I wish you peace and healing..and hugs.

Hi Kristin, I'm so sorry about Dinky. Your feelings are very similar to mine. I had to put my cat Arthur down last month. He had a severe tail injury that resulted in major internal nevere damage. He was only 2 1/2. He was my king, the love of my life. He's on my mind 24 7. Like you, the image of that day will never leave me. I keep asking why didn't I put him thru surgery, and how could I have taken away the one thing he loved most and that was life itself. He was such a happy, playful, cat. Even though they said surgery wouldn't help, the heart and head keep battling. That peace of fur on your face was a sign. I got a big one myself. It stirrs up all kinds of emotion when it happens too. I asked him if he hears me, if I made the right choice, if he's mad at me. The next day there was a cat in my yard that looked just like him. I've never seen it before and haven't seen it since. He brought that little soul to me to tell me he's ok. You did the right thing Kristen. Many years ago my 18yr old cat had a tumor. She wasted away to nothing in the end she couldn't even walk. I knew she was sick, but I let her suffer for 3 mo until she died in the house because I didn't have to heart to put her to sleep. That was 22 years ago and the guilt haunts me to this day. Dinky had a good, long and happy life. You did the right thing. Your lucky to have had her this long. I hope you have a speedy recovery.. Ann

Thanks to everyone for the kind words. It really helps a lot. I found some old photos of Dinky yesterday when she was small. There was one where she was digging for a ball out of my shoe. I forgot how she used to love chasing after those foam balls. I found one of her and me at Christmas time. She always loved just sitting under Christmas trees. I'd feel bad when we'd have to take it down cause she enjoyed it so much. She was never a jumper or one to jump up the tree, but she loved swatting at the ornaments that were low to the ground. She also loved playing with bathrobe ropes. It always made me laugh how you didn't have to buy her cat toys because she was usually more content with things already in the house. The older she got the more content she was to just sit in the bay window in front of the house or just be pet by someone. As I sit here typing this now she would have pushed her way in front of the keyboard and made me pet her instead of doing something on the computer. We did have a good long time together. I just wish it didn't have to go by so fast.

i'm so sorry for your loss of dinky.that is such a cute name. i know the feeling of having to make the decision to let a best friend go. i still feel guilty, sad and regret the choice at times. i had to put my 1 year old baby kitty acorn to sleep last month because of f.i.p. it was so hard to do.i think we always try and hope for the best even in times that there is no hope. we have to accept that it was our pets time to go and we couldnt have done anything to stop that. we just had the blessing of being able to stop a friends suffering and help them into peace. you did a selfless thing. things feel so empty for me even a month later and im sure they will for years to come. im hoping the happy times play more in my head and warm my heart as time goes on. i hope for the same thing for you. my mom's late mother's cat also had cancer (of the breasts) and it turned to open sores. boots kept on fighting and acting as if nothing was wrong.she passed a few years ago. our little ones are fighters. i know you will find alot of understanding people here. you are not alone.

with love corina and her angels