I know a lot of you are probably going to think I'm crazy but I just want to end it all. Belle died within 36 hours of her first symptom. She at 5 years of age was the second youngest of my cats and the baby of 3 of my older females. It was tragic and so unexpected. My husband and I may never have children of our own and this feels like the final straw. She was my baby, she slept with me every night. She would wake me up by scratching with one nail at my quilt and then I would position my arm for her to lie in. She would lie with her back to me and her purr would lull me to sleep. I don't know what killed her.
On June 30 she pooped on the bed and a little liquid light blood with it. I called the emergency vet where the receptionist said casually to bring her in but kept going on about money. It made me annoyed and since she was still eating and playing I decided to take her to our regular vet the next day. I called my husband throughout the day before she went to make sure she was not getting worse and he said she was still sleeping. He then took her to our vet where they found an intestinal blockage, put her on an IV and gave her an enema. We picked her up at around 7pm and took her home. She still had light blood coming out of her which I though was due to the enema. So I lay with her in bed. Later I heard her throw up but at around 2 am she woke up with a cry and I found her on the floor. She was cold so my husband and I rushed her to the emergency where the gave her medicing and hooked her up to all kinds of machines. There was not a lot of hope for her. Then at around 9am the next day the vet said she was slowly improving, that they had put her in a cage. My husband was on his way down to see her. 5 minutes later the vet called to say she had died.
I am blaming myself and have eaten only once under great duress in the past 4 days. I still don't feel like eating and am surprised by how easy it is for me continue surviving without food. It almost feels like that's what I deserve. I feel that I let her die, that somehow this is all my fault. I just want to die, I can't seem to want to do anything. My husband and I may never be able to have kids so I feel I have lost my child. Having lost her, what makes me think I even deserve being a mother after she died? I miss her so much and just want to be with her. I don't know who else to talk to about this. My husband has started to move on but I feel like I'm sinking further and further down into a hole. Did I let her die? Was it my fault?
I loved her so much and feel so much guilt that she died. Maybe I didn't deserve to have her, maybe she would have lived longer under someone else's care? My heart is physically hurting and and I feel that I deserve to suffer as much as possible for losing her. Nothing matters anymore, nothing makes me smile. I just am absolutely devastated and don't know how to go on.
Thank you.
Full Version: Don't Know If I Can Go On
Hi, am so sorry for your loss and feel the way you do right now, she was so beautiful to look at, like an Angel, like my Buster, please think about the good all times you spent together and smile, I know it will difficult but you will feel much better, God Bless you and Belle, Hugs, Buster and Jorge 
Your description of how you feel as a result of having lost Belle is well known in this forum. I'm very sorry you are suffering from such an unexpected and unwanted departure of your sweet little girl. We never know when that time will come or if there was really something we could have done to stop it from happening. The deep seeded grief and pain we feel through sadness can be so overwhelming. It's natural for you as well as everyone else to ponder thoughts of what we could have done wrong. Many of us blame ourselves because we feel completely responsible for everything that happens during our babies lives. YOU are not to blame...............
Tomorrow it will be 8 months since my Goliath passed away so unexpectedly in my loving arms. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him many times. The gutwrenching and crippling pain I suffered seemed absolutely unbearable. Facing life without Goliath at my side just didn't seem worth living.
Over time I came to realize there was nothing I could have done to stop the angels from taking Goliath to Heaven. Goliath was my son in every way. I loved him more than I had ever loved anybody or anything else in my life. What I discovered over time was that he left me with far more than grief when he passed away. The memories Goliath and made together over his lifetime were his gift to me to cherish forever and hold dearest to my heart. He enriched my soul in every way possibly imaginable. Though his body has perished, his spirit lives in and all around me. My heart and his became one long ago, never to be separated here on earth nor in Heaven.
Belle is still with you for she never left. Only her body and spirit have separated. Loving spirits never die.
May her spirit be with you and all around you and help you pick up the pieces of your broken heart.
Hugs of comfort filled with love,
Beth
First let me say the pictures of her are gorgeous!!! So many of the things you desribed about Belle remind me so much of my Sissy. Today is the 1 month mark of me loosing her. I too didn't eat, sleep, or talk much to people. The guilt was overwhelming. I blamed myself everysecond of the day. Guilt is just one of the processes we have to go through. There are several stages of guilt and healing. I know right now seems like it will never get any better, but I promise it does. I am not healed completely, but I am on the way. The people here are great to talk to. Everyone's grief is different and takes different amounts of time. Don't let anyone rush you.
Most all of us here have suffered losses and we are here for you.
You had 5 years of wonderful memories with her. She was blessed to have had a mama like you.
When you feel like it post more stories of her. We would love to hear about her!!!!!!
Many Hugs to you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Every day will come easier!!!!!!!!!!!!
Most all of us here have suffered losses and we are here for you.
You had 5 years of wonderful memories with her. She was blessed to have had a mama like you.
When you feel like it post more stories of her. We would love to hear about her!!!!!!
Many Hugs to you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Every day will come easier!!!!!!!!!!!!
Your baby's pictures are beautiful. Belle is so precious. I am so sorry for your loss...it really is devastating. We here all know what that feels like...as we have been there, are there right now..just like you, and some know they will be there in the future.
What helps me survive the pain and devastation is I believe these babies are taken from us when the powers that be decide it is their time to go. No matter what we do, we will not win that battle. If we are meant to save them one time...then that will happen but usually it is not to be that they are saved and remain with us.
You were meant to be together otherwise you would have never met. She was not meant to be with anyone else. You said you had her for 5 years. So you have a lot of good memories of being together. That was a gift, a blessing....every day they were allowed to be with us is a priceless gift to us from the "powers that be".
Because I believe so strongly that whatever happens WAS meant to be and we were powerless to change it because we are not God or fate or whatever controls our lives here on earth....there can be no guilt associated with something we would not be allowed to change...because it was meant to happen as it did. Everything was meant to happen as it did. It is that part of life that is so unfair and devastatingly cruel. Why we and our babies always have to be hurt, I don't know. All I know is the best we can do is give them our hearts and our home and do the best we can (or are allowed to) for them.
It is a cruel and heartless time...and it is normal to cry, to vent, to scream, to yell,.....whatever makes us feel better...and then after we have exhausted that....we can either do it all over again...or...try to heal as best we can.
We will never forget them and we will miss them and love them forever. But sometimes I also think that maybe they are taken so the many who have no homes and are waiting to love and be loved....find a new home.
You have to look within yourself and realize you always did the best you can and we can always find more that we "could have" done but if we weren't meant to do it.....it would not be done...and that is not any fault of ours. Blame whatever takes these sweethearts away and breaks so many hearts by doing so. But do not blame yourself....we can always find something but our babies would not want us to do that...they only wanted us to feel good...the same as we wanted for them. And, if we are lucky, we have some years that is possible....but then...FATE or ? steps in and steps all over us and takes our sweethearts. We can only fight back by trying to heal ourselves.
And always remember...that by being with you, Belle was not subjected to the cruel humans who don't care about these sweet ones and she was never hurt, abused, starved, and other unspeakable things that can happen to them. One Mom here saved a baby kitten just dropped off in the middle of a freeway. Whenever we bring one or more of these wonderful ones into our homes and hearts...we can always know they will never know that kind of treatment as long as they are allowed to be with us.
Just know that the pain you feel is felt every day here in this forum and by many of us. We help ourselves by talking to others and sharing that pain. Don't hesitate to keep posting and letting out your feelings. You are not alone. We are with you and always listening.
Take care and write again.
What helps me survive the pain and devastation is I believe these babies are taken from us when the powers that be decide it is their time to go. No matter what we do, we will not win that battle. If we are meant to save them one time...then that will happen but usually it is not to be that they are saved and remain with us.
You were meant to be together otherwise you would have never met. She was not meant to be with anyone else. You said you had her for 5 years. So you have a lot of good memories of being together. That was a gift, a blessing....every day they were allowed to be with us is a priceless gift to us from the "powers that be".
Because I believe so strongly that whatever happens WAS meant to be and we were powerless to change it because we are not God or fate or whatever controls our lives here on earth....there can be no guilt associated with something we would not be allowed to change...because it was meant to happen as it did. Everything was meant to happen as it did. It is that part of life that is so unfair and devastatingly cruel. Why we and our babies always have to be hurt, I don't know. All I know is the best we can do is give them our hearts and our home and do the best we can (or are allowed to) for them.
It is a cruel and heartless time...and it is normal to cry, to vent, to scream, to yell,.....whatever makes us feel better...and then after we have exhausted that....we can either do it all over again...or...try to heal as best we can.
We will never forget them and we will miss them and love them forever. But sometimes I also think that maybe they are taken so the many who have no homes and are waiting to love and be loved....find a new home.
You have to look within yourself and realize you always did the best you can and we can always find more that we "could have" done but if we weren't meant to do it.....it would not be done...and that is not any fault of ours. Blame whatever takes these sweethearts away and breaks so many hearts by doing so. But do not blame yourself....we can always find something but our babies would not want us to do that...they only wanted us to feel good...the same as we wanted for them. And, if we are lucky, we have some years that is possible....but then...FATE or ? steps in and steps all over us and takes our sweethearts. We can only fight back by trying to heal ourselves.
And always remember...that by being with you, Belle was not subjected to the cruel humans who don't care about these sweet ones and she was never hurt, abused, starved, and other unspeakable things that can happen to them. One Mom here saved a baby kitten just dropped off in the middle of a freeway. Whenever we bring one or more of these wonderful ones into our homes and hearts...we can always know they will never know that kind of treatment as long as they are allowed to be with us.
Just know that the pain you feel is felt every day here in this forum and by many of us. We help ourselves by talking to others and sharing that pain. Don't hesitate to keep posting and letting out your feelings. You are not alone. We are with you and always listening.
Take care and write again.
Good evening Belle!
First and foremost, you have no choice but to go on! As much as we loved our deceased pets, to 'end it all' is extreme 'grievous' thinking which will subside over time if you give it a chance. A lot of us, myself included, sufferered from some guilt complex that we could of prevented the loss of our pets somehow. I came to the conclusion that what happens, happens, and at some point its more or less out of our hands and we have to let it go to keep our sanity.
You lost a beloved pet, grieve and mourn but keep 'your' life's important priorities in focus, you have a husband to look after....take care of him!
You also take care Belle, it'll get better,
-Ken
First and foremost, you have no choice but to go on! As much as we loved our deceased pets, to 'end it all' is extreme 'grievous' thinking which will subside over time if you give it a chance. A lot of us, myself included, sufferered from some guilt complex that we could of prevented the loss of our pets somehow. I came to the conclusion that what happens, happens, and at some point its more or less out of our hands and we have to let it go to keep our sanity.
You lost a beloved pet, grieve and mourn but keep 'your' life's important priorities in focus, you have a husband to look after....take care of him!
You also take care Belle, it'll get better,
-Ken
Reading what you wrote was like someone had written down my own exact thoughts about how I feel about losing my little Sabra, and about how I feel about an orphaned kitten who I may lose sometime soon. I couldnt eat for weeks - I just felt like I didnt deserve to as well, plus it was something that I could control, I couldnt control losing her but that I could. I still have nightmares about what happened - I wake up frantically trying to find her or one of my other cats - worried that something has happened to them. I cannot say that these feelings of guilt will ever go away for you, because for me it has been 6 weeks since losing Sabra, and though I know that isn't long, I still feel the same and in my heart i think i always will. But, in no way do I think what happened is your fault, you did what you could and you took her to the best place she could be to get help. She is a beautiful girl, and she sounds so sweet - like the perfect cat, and you sound like you gave her the perfect home and were the best mama to her. Im so sorry you lost her.
I am so sorry for your loss. Those are beautiful pictures of her. I know the pain from our losing our fur babies is unbearable. Hang in there.
Be strong. Belle's spirit is still with you.
Big Hug
Deanna
Be strong. Belle's spirit is still with you.
Big Hug
Deanna
QUOTE (Belle's Family @ Jul 5 2008, 09:19 AM) 
I know a lot of you are probably going to think I'm crazy but I just want to end it all. Belle died within 36 hours of her first symptom. She at 5 years of age was the second youngest of my cats and the baby of 3 of my older females. It was tragic and so unexpected. My husband and I may never have children of our own and this feels like the final straw. She was my baby, she slept with me every night. She would wake me up by scratching with one nail at my quilt and then I would position my arm for her to lie in. She would lie with her back to me and her purr would lull me to sleep. I don't know what killed her.
On June 30 she pooped on the bed and a little liquid light blood with it. I called the emergency vet where the receptionist said casually to bring her in but kept going on about money. It made me annoyed and since she was still eating and playing I decided to take her to our regular vet the next day. I called my husband throughout the day before she went to make sure she was not getting worse and he said she was still sleeping. He then took her to our vet where they found an intestinal blockage, put her on an IV and gave her an enema. We picked her up at around 7pm and took her home. She still had light blood coming out of her which I though was due to the enema. So I lay with her in bed. Later I heard her throw up but at around 2 am she woke up with a cry and I found her on the floor. She was cold so my husband and I rushed her to the emergency where the gave her medicing and hooked her up to all kinds of machines. There was not a lot of hope for her. Then at around 9am the next day the vet said she was slowly improving, that they had put her in a cage. My husband was on his way down to see her. 5 minutes later the vet called to say she had died.
I am blaming myself and have eaten only once under great duress in the past 4 days. I still don't feel like eating and am surprised by how easy it is for me continue surviving without food. It almost feels like that's what I deserve. I feel that I let her die, that somehow this is all my fault. I just want to die, I can't seem to want to do anything. My husband and I may never be able to have kids so I feel I have lost my child. Having lost her, what makes me think I even deserve being a mother after she died? I miss her so much and just want to be with her. I don't know who else to talk to about this. My husband has started to move on but I feel like I'm sinking further and further down into a hole. Did I let her die? Was it my fault?
I loved her so much and feel so much guilt that she died. Maybe I didn't deserve to have her, maybe she would have lived longer under someone else's care? My heart is physically hurting and and I feel that I deserve to suffer as much as possible for losing her. Nothing matters anymore, nothing makes me smile. I just am absolutely devastated and don't know how to go on.
Thank you.
On June 30 she pooped on the bed and a little liquid light blood with it. I called the emergency vet where the receptionist said casually to bring her in but kept going on about money. It made me annoyed and since she was still eating and playing I decided to take her to our regular vet the next day. I called my husband throughout the day before she went to make sure she was not getting worse and he said she was still sleeping. He then took her to our vet where they found an intestinal blockage, put her on an IV and gave her an enema. We picked her up at around 7pm and took her home. She still had light blood coming out of her which I though was due to the enema. So I lay with her in bed. Later I heard her throw up but at around 2 am she woke up with a cry and I found her on the floor. She was cold so my husband and I rushed her to the emergency where the gave her medicing and hooked her up to all kinds of machines. There was not a lot of hope for her. Then at around 9am the next day the vet said she was slowly improving, that they had put her in a cage. My husband was on his way down to see her. 5 minutes later the vet called to say she had died.
I am blaming myself and have eaten only once under great duress in the past 4 days. I still don't feel like eating and am surprised by how easy it is for me continue surviving without food. It almost feels like that's what I deserve. I feel that I let her die, that somehow this is all my fault. I just want to die, I can't seem to want to do anything. My husband and I may never be able to have kids so I feel I have lost my child. Having lost her, what makes me think I even deserve being a mother after she died? I miss her so much and just want to be with her. I don't know who else to talk to about this. My husband has started to move on but I feel like I'm sinking further and further down into a hole. Did I let her die? Was it my fault?
I loved her so much and feel so much guilt that she died. Maybe I didn't deserve to have her, maybe she would have lived longer under someone else's care? My heart is physically hurting and and I feel that I deserve to suffer as much as possible for losing her. Nothing matters anymore, nothing makes me smile. I just am absolutely devastated and don't know how to go on.
Thank you.
i'm so sorry for your loss. my heart is breaking for you. i know how you feel. alot of nights i lie in bed just imagining how much happier i would be if i was with my baby acorn. he was only 1 year old and passed within 4 days of his diagnosis of f.i.p. last month. we all seem to blame ourselves even when things were out of our hands. it's easier to want to leave and be with our angels but i think we have to remind ourselves that there are still so many people and animals who need us here and now. you deserved belle. she came into your life for a reason. you gave her the most love she could have gotten. you gave her a great life.that life was too short as it is for so many precious pets. that was not in your control. no one could have known it was so serious. belle knows you love her. she wants you to live on for her. we all want you to live on. we are here for you.
with love corina and her angels
QUOTE (goliath @ Jul 5 2008, 12:11 PM)
Your description of how you feel as a result of having lost Belle is well known in this forum. I'm very sorry you are suffering from such an unexpected and unwanted departure of your sweet little girl. We never know when that time will come or if there was really something we could have done to stop it from happening. The deep seeded grief and pain we feel through sadness can be so overwhelming. It's natural for you as well as everyone else to ponder thoughts of what we could have done wrong. Many of us blame ourselves because we feel completely responsible for everything that happens during our babies lives. YOU are not to blame...............
Tomorrow it will be 8 months since my Goliath passed away so unexpectedly in my loving arms. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him many times. The gutwrenching and crippling pain I suffered seemed absolutely unbearable. Facing life without Goliath at my side just didn't seem worth living.
Over time I came to realize there was nothing I could have done to stop the angels from taking Goliath to Heaven. Goliath was my son in every way. I loved him more than I had ever loved anybody or anything else in my life. What I discovered over time was that he left me with far more than grief when he passed away. The memories Goliath and made together over his lifetime were his gift to me to cherish forever and hold dearest to my heart. He enriched my soul in every way possibly imaginable. Though his body has perished, his spirit lives in and all around me. My heart and his became one long ago, never to be separated here on earth nor in Heaven.
Belle is still with you for she never left. Only her body and spirit have separated. Loving spirits never die.
May her spirit be with you and all around you and help you pick up the pieces of your broken heart.
Hugs of comfort filled with love,
Beth
Tomorrow it will be 8 months since my Goliath passed away so unexpectedly in my loving arms. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him many times. The gutwrenching and crippling pain I suffered seemed absolutely unbearable. Facing life without Goliath at my side just didn't seem worth living.
Over time I came to realize there was nothing I could have done to stop the angels from taking Goliath to Heaven. Goliath was my son in every way. I loved him more than I had ever loved anybody or anything else in my life. What I discovered over time was that he left me with far more than grief when he passed away. The memories Goliath and made together over his lifetime were his gift to me to cherish forever and hold dearest to my heart. He enriched my soul in every way possibly imaginable. Though his body has perished, his spirit lives in and all around me. My heart and his became one long ago, never to be separated here on earth nor in Heaven.
Belle is still with you for she never left. Only her body and spirit have separated. Loving spirits never die.
May her spirit be with you and all around you and help you pick up the pieces of your broken heart.
Hugs of comfort filled with love,
Beth
that is beautiful beth. i feel the same way about acorn. ive never loved something so much. ive never cried so hard for something. ive lost so many pets but it doesnt get easier. goliath sounds like such a special angel. i feel my angels with me. i know acorn gives me signs. i hope all of our angels are playing together having fun until we get there. its a long wait, and that is a hard thought but they are worth every minute.
with love corina and her angels
hello belle's mama,
i am very sorry for your loss, your belle was a beautiful cat. i really miss the nighty-night routine too, it's been almost three months for me and last night was rough even still. the symptoms you describe sound very similar to my oliver's. the blood in the stool, vomiting, lethargy, followed by a period i would classify as "fair condition" , followed by a low body temp and then the fercious quickness, all within 3 days. doc speculated that he had cancer (bone specifically) and that it shut his kidneys down. he also told me that a person wouldn't survive those ailments, even with language and modern medicine, so as for your guilt, it is unwarranted. cancer is rapid and invasive, there would have been virtually nothing you could have done. you loved her and provided her with a wonderful life, the rest was out of your hands. when presented with symptoms, you did everything you could. she was lucky to have been so loved and tended to. do not compound your grief with something that was entirely out of your control.
i am very sorry for your loss, your belle was a beautiful cat. i really miss the nighty-night routine too, it's been almost three months for me and last night was rough even still. the symptoms you describe sound very similar to my oliver's. the blood in the stool, vomiting, lethargy, followed by a period i would classify as "fair condition" , followed by a low body temp and then the fercious quickness, all within 3 days. doc speculated that he had cancer (bone specifically) and that it shut his kidneys down. he also told me that a person wouldn't survive those ailments, even with language and modern medicine, so as for your guilt, it is unwarranted. cancer is rapid and invasive, there would have been virtually nothing you could have done. you loved her and provided her with a wonderful life, the rest was out of your hands. when presented with symptoms, you did everything you could. she was lucky to have been so loved and tended to. do not compound your grief with something that was entirely out of your control.
QUOTE (oliver's mama @ Jul 31 2008, 01:49 AM)
hello belle's mama,
i am very sorry for your loss, your belle was a beautiful cat. i really miss the nighty-night routine too, it's been almost three months for me and last night was rough even still. the symptoms you describe sound very similar to my oliver's. the blood in the stool, vomiting, lethargy, followed by a period i would classify as "fair condition" , followed by a low body temp and then the fercious quickness, all within 3 days. doc speculated that he had cancer (bone specifically) and that it shut his kidneys down. he also told me that a person wouldn't survive those ailments, even with language and modern medicine, so as for your guilt, it is unwarranted. cancer is rapid and invasive, there would have been virtually nothing you could have done. you loved her and provided her with a wonderful life, the rest was out of your hands. when presented with symptoms, you did everything you could. she was lucky to have been so loved and tended to. do not compound your grief with something that was entirely out of your control.
i am very sorry for your loss, your belle was a beautiful cat. i really miss the nighty-night routine too, it's been almost three months for me and last night was rough even still. the symptoms you describe sound very similar to my oliver's. the blood in the stool, vomiting, lethargy, followed by a period i would classify as "fair condition" , followed by a low body temp and then the fercious quickness, all within 3 days. doc speculated that he had cancer (bone specifically) and that it shut his kidneys down. he also told me that a person wouldn't survive those ailments, even with language and modern medicine, so as for your guilt, it is unwarranted. cancer is rapid and invasive, there would have been virtually nothing you could have done. you loved her and provided her with a wonderful life, the rest was out of your hands. when presented with symptoms, you did everything you could. she was lucky to have been so loved and tended to. do not compound your grief with something that was entirely out of your control.
Hi Belle's Mom, My heart breaks with yours over your sudden loss. Please do not feel it's your fault. We went thru the same feelings. My Arthur had a severe tail pull which resulted in lots of trama, pain and his organs shutting down. We had to put him down 24hrs later. He was only 2. My boyfriend's guilt was too much to bear for not bringing him to the ER sooner(he waited almost 7hrs) but we didn't how bad it was. You didn't know how bad Belle was. And like us, from the way it sounds, it probably wouldn't have made a difference. I go back and forth, maybe everyone was right, maybe I should have kept him indoors, but then I think of how happy he was being out. So you'll feel it all. But everyone has given you some great advise. It will take time. ALOT of us are still working on that time. That's why we are here. Please don't blame yourself, you did not know how sick she was, you had not control. She was very muched loved by you and you by her. You have to treasure that. It's been almost 2mos for me and there are many days I keep asking if I'm being punished for something. I have lost 12lbs so far and counting. So stay here and remember her with us and long as you need to. Hugs to you and your family.. Ann
Dear Belle's mommy, it's not your fault. Though I know that it's hard to believe that. I went through the same emotions when my border collie died of sudden illness years ago (I'm now here because I had to put my old and very sick golden down).
Anyways, with the sudden death I just kept re-playing EVERY single last day during the past months to see if I could have forseen it, and done something about it. Like you, I did not rush her to emergency, but took her to the regular vet. Like you, I was told that she had improved somewhat, then I received the call that she had passed within a half an hour. My worold literally stopped.
I'm having trouble eating now too, just like I did then. I suffer from depression, and this death now has just about done me in, but I know that if I got through the previous death, I will get through this one too.
Take things one minute at a time. Try to "graze" rather than eat big meals. You baby would want you to go on.
Anyways, with the sudden death I just kept re-playing EVERY single last day during the past months to see if I could have forseen it, and done something about it. Like you, I did not rush her to emergency, but took her to the regular vet. Like you, I was told that she had improved somewhat, then I received the call that she had passed within a half an hour. My worold literally stopped.
I'm having trouble eating now too, just like I did then. I suffer from depression, and this death now has just about done me in, but I know that if I got through the previous death, I will get through this one too.
Take things one minute at a time. Try to "graze" rather than eat big meals. You baby would want you to go on.
Dear Belle's Mom, please permit me to add my sincerest condolences to your loss of Belle. It is so tragic to lose a furbaby so young and so suddenly. Please do not blame yourself for what happened to Belle. It sounds to me like you did the very best for her at all times. She knew she was loved by you and your husband, and she still knows that, and her love for you has not changed - - it is still there for you to hold onto. Guilt is one of the most devastating symptoms of grieving - - and it is one of the first steps in grieving that we all go through immediately following a loss of a beloved furchild. Also, men do grieve differently from women, but this does not mean that your husband is done with his grieving of Belle. It is important for you to keep your physical strength during this horrible grief journey because your body needs this nourishment in order to cope with the stress you are under right now. How well I know the "what if's" and "if only's" and "why didn't I's" that seem to consume our hearts and minds, but unfortunately we are not endowed with the benefit of foreknowledge, so we do the best we can with the information we have at the time. Belle's love for you transcends any guilt that you are feeling right now. As hard as it is to "hang in here" right now, hopefully in time you will come to know that Belle does not want you to feel guilty about what happened to her, but rather to live your life basking in the warmth of your memories and enjoying the company of her sweet living Spirit that will always be with you in your heart. Please know you are not alone in your grief journey, Belle's Mom. We are here for you for as long as you need us.
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
Dear Belle's Mom,
Just wondering how you were doing. Belle sounds like such a wonderful kitty. The untimely passings are the hardest. Especially when there is no answer. They ARE our children and it crushes us to lose them. Though it's hard, it's good to post their stories so that we never forget each and every detail that made them special. My heart goes out to you and your Husband and other kitties. Please let us know how you're doing. There are so many of us that truly care about you.
Michelle
Nickels Mom
Just wondering how you were doing. Belle sounds like such a wonderful kitty. The untimely passings are the hardest. Especially when there is no answer. They ARE our children and it crushes us to lose them. Though it's hard, it's good to post their stories so that we never forget each and every detail that made them special. My heart goes out to you and your Husband and other kitties. Please let us know how you're doing. There are so many of us that truly care about you.
Michelle
Nickels Mom
I'm very sorry about your sudden lost. I know how you are feeling. The lost can be unbearable. I wish I had the words to make you feel better other than that picture of your baby made me smile becaue she was soooo cute.
Please accept my condonlences and feel free to vent here any time. We're here for you.
Candy's Dad
Hal
Please accept my condonlences and feel free to vent here any time. We're here for you.
Candy's Dad
Hal
Belle's Mom,
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I know first hand the guilt and sadness you are feeling right now as it was only six short months ago I lost my little Fleetwood kitty of 9 years. We believe it was also due to a blockage, but unfortunately will never know as we were out of town when he passed away. The guilt of not being there for him has haunted me ever since. You did everything you could, and that is the important thing and your little baby knows that. Hang on to the wonderful memories for they will keep her alive in your heart. The pain will get better as time goes on, it won't go away but it will be easier with each passing day.
Hang in there.
Mark
Missing Fleetwood
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I know first hand the guilt and sadness you are feeling right now as it was only six short months ago I lost my little Fleetwood kitty of 9 years. We believe it was also due to a blockage, but unfortunately will never know as we were out of town when he passed away. The guilt of not being there for him has haunted me ever since. You did everything you could, and that is the important thing and your little baby knows that. Hang on to the wonderful memories for they will keep her alive in your heart. The pain will get better as time goes on, it won't go away but it will be easier with each passing day.
Hang in there.
Mark
Missing Fleetwood
Hi, Belle's Mom, just checking in with you to see how you are doing. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
QUOTE
Belle's Family: Jul 5 2008, 09:19 AM: I know a lot of you are probably going to think I'm crazy but I just want to end it all. Belle died within 36 hours of her first symptom. She at 5 years of age was the second youngest of my cats and the baby of 3 of my older females. It was tragic and so unexpected. My husband and I may never have children of our own and this feels like the final straw. She was my baby, she slept with me every night. She would wake me up by scratching with one nail at my quilt and then I would position my arm for her to lie in. She would lie with her back to me and her purr would lull me to sleep. I don't know what killed her.
On June 30 she pooped on the bed and a little liquid light blood with it. I called the emergency vet where the receptionist said casually to bring her in but kept going on about money. It made me annoyed and since she was still eating and playing I decided to take her to our regular vet the next day. I called my husband throughout the day before she went to make sure she was not getting worse and he said she was still sleeping. He then took her to our vet where they found an intestinal blockage, put her on an IV and gave her an enema. We picked her up at around 7pm and took her home. She still had light blood coming out of her which I though was due to the enema. So I lay with her in bed. Later I heard her throw up but at around 2 am she woke up with a cry and I found her on the floor. She was cold so my husband and I rushed her to the emergency where the gave her medicing and hooked her up to all kinds of machines. There was not a lot of hope for her. Then at around 9am the next day the vet said she was slowly improving, that they had put her in a cage. My husband was on his way down to see her. 5 minutes later the vet called to say she had died.
I am blaming myself and have eaten only once under great duress in the past 4 days. I still don't feel like eating and am surprised by how easy it is for me continue surviving without food. It almost feels like that's what I deserve. I feel that I let her die, that somehow this is all my fault. I just want to die, I can't seem to want to do anything. My husband and I may never be able to have kids so I feel I have lost my child. Having lost her, what makes me think I even deserve being a mother after she died? I miss her so much and just want to be with her. I don't know who else to talk to about this. My husband has started to move on but I feel like I'm sinking further and further down into a hole. Did I let her die? Was it my fault?
I loved her so much and feel so much guilt that she died. Maybe I didn't deserve to have her, maybe she would have lived longer under someone else's care? My heart is physically hurting and and I feel that I deserve to suffer as much as possible for losing her. Nothing matters anymore, nothing makes me smile. I just am absolutely devastated and don't know how to go on.
Thank you.
On June 30 she pooped on the bed and a little liquid light blood with it. I called the emergency vet where the receptionist said casually to bring her in but kept going on about money. It made me annoyed and since she was still eating and playing I decided to take her to our regular vet the next day. I called my husband throughout the day before she went to make sure she was not getting worse and he said she was still sleeping. He then took her to our vet where they found an intestinal blockage, put her on an IV and gave her an enema. We picked her up at around 7pm and took her home. She still had light blood coming out of her which I though was due to the enema. So I lay with her in bed. Later I heard her throw up but at around 2 am she woke up with a cry and I found her on the floor. She was cold so my husband and I rushed her to the emergency where the gave her medicing and hooked her up to all kinds of machines. There was not a lot of hope for her. Then at around 9am the next day the vet said she was slowly improving, that they had put her in a cage. My husband was on his way down to see her. 5 minutes later the vet called to say she had died.
I am blaming myself and have eaten only once under great duress in the past 4 days. I still don't feel like eating and am surprised by how easy it is for me continue surviving without food. It almost feels like that's what I deserve. I feel that I let her die, that somehow this is all my fault. I just want to die, I can't seem to want to do anything. My husband and I may never be able to have kids so I feel I have lost my child. Having lost her, what makes me think I even deserve being a mother after she died? I miss her so much and just want to be with her. I don't know who else to talk to about this. My husband has started to move on but I feel like I'm sinking further and further down into a hole. Did I let her die? Was it my fault?
I loved her so much and feel so much guilt that she died. Maybe I didn't deserve to have her, maybe she would have lived longer under someone else's care? My heart is physically hurting and and I feel that I deserve to suffer as much as possible for losing her. Nothing matters anymore, nothing makes me smile. I just am absolutely devastated and don't know how to go on.
Thank you.
Dearest Belle's Mom, I hope you come back and read this. I feel great concern for you because that's exactly how I was for several months when I lost my Alex. I was not suicidal but I could not eat, screamed and cried so hard and often that it once frightened one of my neighbors because she thought there was a wild canine or primate in my home attacking me. My screams and crying did not sound human but did sound like some sort of wounded wild animal being tortured. Bless my neighbor for having the authorities check to make sure I wasn't being attacked by a mad wolf or gorilla.
I also was never blessed with children and live alone. I've never felt such pain, sorrow, grief and guilt in my life. Never mourned so horribly, not even when my other fur kids and feather kids passed away. Not even when my Dad, sister, brother and wonderful husband passed away. Oh sure, I cried big time for all of them but nothing like when I lost Alex last October 16, 2007. First, I went into physical shock (which is different from emotional shock) and was treated. The only other time in my life that I've gone into physical shock was during the 9/11 attacks and I've seen and experienced so much horror, terror, death and more. It would knock your socks off.
Next came what I only know how to describe as a "nervous breakdown." I've never, ever in my life had a nervous breakdown either and one would certainly think I should have given all I've experienced. I had two "nervous breakdowns" which lasted somewhere between 3 and 4 weeks each where I would not leave my home, not answer the phone, the door and spoke with no one. I even suffered delusions with "acute psychotic episodes." Oh My Gosh! That never ever happened to me before either in my entire life and I am not psychotic in any way, shape nor form so you can well imagine my great embarrassment admitting to this.
During one breakdown, a dear friend came over, pounded on my door and told me that I had to call my older brother, that I had to answer the phone. I just nodded to her, closed the door, walked to the phone and called my brother Tony. He's the one who did the talking because whenever I tried to talk, all I could say was, "Tony ... (pause) Go Away! Tony ... (pause) Go Away!" I could not speak no matter how hard I tried. He kept saying no he wouldn't (go away) and that he was going to get me the help I needed. Then he called my dear friend who had pounded on my door and told her, "My sister is dying! My sister is dying because of this!" And he did get me professional help. Bless Tony's heart.
When I came out of my first nervous breakdown, I did write a long email to my brother Tony ... Please pardon me as I am crying so hard right now remembering this and being so worried about you! I'll try to continue ... In that long email to Tony, the bottom line was me asking him please not to be mad at me or sad if I died from grief. I felt sure I was going to stoke out and die because of mourning so much for Alex and didn't want my brother to be angry at me or sad if I died from grief over the loss of my Alex.
Belle's Mom, you're not alone. I did a lot of research on the Net and found that my feelings and behavior were "normal" and that many do grieve far more for the loss of a fur child than they do even for a parent or spouse. Honest and for true. It made me feel better knowing I wasn't going insane.
It took a few months before I even began to feel a bit better. I'm doing a lot better now. There's hope, Dear One! It may take months and months or years but it gradually, in baby steps does become easier to bear.
Please come back and talk with us if you're able. I'm so worried about you after reading your post and knowing exactly how you feel because I was there myself. I'm crying so hard for you right now that it's so difficult for me to see my PC monitor and ... I'm really very, very worried about you, Dear One! Please say a "Hello" if you're able. Please.
I am praying very, very hard for you and sending you Many Angels and Many Healing Hugs!!!
Much Love Always,
Dottie xoxoxox
PS. Your Belle looks so much like my last fur child Cocoa who was also a Seal Point Siamese with much the same personality as you described about your precious fur baby Belle. More Hugs!!!
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