As many of you know we lost our little Kota kitty just over 3 weeks ago. Well out of concern for his sister Neko (Baby Girl) we decided to take her in to get checked out to be sure the Lymphoma was not hereditary, well we did that yesterday and the diagnosis was not good.

A bit of history on Baby Girl, back in March we noticed that she had quit eating(due to change in food we guess), so we took her to the vet and she had lost 4 lbs in just over a month. Because of her not eating, she had developed fatty liver disease and was at risk for system failure if she did not start eating. Well we brought her home with a special high calorie can food and secluded her in a guest room and fed her every few hours, to our relief she loved the food and gobbled it up. She regained some of her strength and was back to being herself again for the most part. We took her back for a checkup visit a month ago and she hadn't gained much weight but other than that she looked good. So we felt we were in the clear for the time being. Well then we had the issues with Kota and then he passed and we tured our focus to Neko, we noticed at that time that she had become more frail and acted like an old old lady. She was very skinny from the weight loss but she was also slow to move and just over all looked much older than she really was. However no matter how she felt, when Kota passed Neko made an extra effort to love on my wife and I and try to fill the shoes of her lost brother. She followed me everywhere and was in my lap the minute I sat down, she turned into a completely different baby. It was a pleasant change and I welcomed the extra love and affection I was now getting from our sweet Baby Girl.

So yesterday I dropped her off at the vets so they could run a full battery of tests on her to be sure she was doing okay. Well the vet called me and said that the prognosis wasn't exactly good, he said he found a large mass in her abdomen that wasn't there a few months ago, but he wasn't sure what it was. When I came to pick her up he took me back and showed me the xrays so I was clear on what he was talking about. He told me the best option was exploratory surgery to get a full picture of what it was and remove it if it can be removed. But at the same time he told me that, he said that there may be a chance that it is a cancerous tumor that cannot be removed and that once its been agitated it will grow much faster and her quality of life will diminish quickly after the surgery which he recommended at that point to choose not to revive her from surgery. So I chose to take her home last night so that my wife and I could spend some quality time with her just in case it was her last day on this earth. We loved and hugged on her, gave her some treats, and just showered her with lots of love and attention. However when we looked into her eyes you could see that she was in pain, you could tell something was wrong beneath the surface, so I think my wife and I knew we would have to say our goodbyes this morning.

I woke up at 7:15 and found Neko lying on the bed next to me, so I leaned over and hugged, kissed and loved on her, I then began to cry because I didn't want this to be goodbye. I put her on my shoulder and squeezed her and told her she had to come back home to us, that she couldn't leave us yet, that we needed her here with us, but deep down something told me that would not be the case. I took a shower and got ready, then I went down stairs and my wife and I loved and hugged on Neko some more, and we both began to cry. We both told her to come back home soon, that we would be waiting here for her, but somehow we both knew that would not be the case. With a heavy heart I picked up Neko and put her in the carrier and took her to the vets office, I fought back the tears the whole way there, trying to stay strong for Neko, so that she wouldn't be scared.

I got to the vets office at about 7:45 and reluctantly passed her off to the vet tech and asked when they would be doing the surgery. She told me the vet had come in early just to start this surgery on Neko, she said they would be starting in just a few minutes. Knowing that our vet, whom we have been with for so many years, went out of his way to take care of our baby as quickly as possible, brought a small bit of comfort because I know she was in good hands. I got back home at about 7:55 and my wife and I sat patiently and waited for the phone call from the vet. At about 8:40 the phone rang and it was the vets office, the vet was in surgery with Neko and the tech was going to hold the phone up to him so he could relay the info to us. Turns out the mass in her abdomen was a massive tumor, it had grown so fast that it ruptured and hemorrhaged into her abdominal cavity and was probably causing her discomfort. He said this tumor was attached to her stomach and her pancreas, and removing it would compromise the blood supply to those organs and she would probably not recover from it. He also said that the tumor has already spread and she had 3-4 nodules on the lining of her intestines, so his recommendation was humane euthanization. Upon hearing this news I burst into tears and tried my best not to let him hear me do it, my wife could tell by my reactions that the outcome was grim and she began to cry too. I tried my best to retain some sort of composure and answer the remaining questions he had for me. Once I got off the phone I broke down, my wife and I collapsed on one another and began to cry uncontrollably. We knew this was coming but there was truly no way to prepare for it, the pain was difficult to bear.

Even though we were somewhat prepare for this, it doesn't make it any easier to deal with. However the benefit we have from this that we didn't have from Kota is we knew what it was and we knew she was in pain and that letting her go was the best option. Doing this was the best thing for her, shes no longer in pain and shes now with her brother. But that doesn't make it any easier to deal with the fact that now our house is that much more empty. The 2 brightest stars in our house have now left us, and the emptiness in our house and in our hearts is hard to take. I don't know what to do, I was just coming to terms with losing Kota and now we've lost Neko as well, it hurts so much. The hole I had in my heart just grew twice as big, our 2 children my wife and I have had since we got married, have left us. We are so overcome with grief, we have so many memories with those babies that no longer having them with us is difficult to accept.

2008 has been a difficult year for us, full of so many emotions. First my wifes mother passed which was difficult, but then we brought home our adopted son which was a joyful occasion, then my father in-laws dog passed, then Kota pased, and now baby girl. We've had to deal with so much pain, but our son has been a gift to us, a positive focus that has helped us thru these difficult times, our only hope is that things get better from here, because I don't think we can handle anymore sadness.

Here is a picture of Neko, I took this last night, because something told me she would not be coming back home.

I think thats the most difficult part, no longer having her there to turn to for comfort. I now have no babies to comfort me the way Kota and Neko used to. My wife and I have had the 2 of them since we started d@ting, they were our children, everything we did we did with them. For the last 10 years we have been a family Me, my wife, Kota, and Neko, only thing that changed was that we added more children to our family, but Kota and Neko were always our #1 and #2. They shared our joys, our sadness, our hopes and dreams, and everything in between, they were always there for us when my wife or I needed a pick me up, or some extra loving.

When Kota died, Neko stepped up and went out of her way to comfort me and my wife give us lots of love and affection, she became more aggressive for attention and more vocal for food and treats, essentially filling the shoes of both herself and Kota. Now that she is gone as well I have nowhere to turn for that unique affection the 2 of them were so good at giving. Our puppies try, but getting doggies kisses isn't the same as being snuggled and hugged by a warm purring kitty. Our other 2 cats are somewhat independent and don't really snuggle, the older one will beg for attention and sit in your lap, but he doesn't have that perception, so he doesn't make an effort to comfort us when we don't feel good.

I feel lost, now that our babies are gone. Where do I turn? How do I make it thru these difficult times without the unconditional love and affection we used to get from our 2 children? How do we move on now that they're gone? I know that from these losses, we will form new bonds with our other babies, but the emptiness and silence left in our house now that Kota and Neko are gone, is almost deafening. We have lived the last 10 years with them as part of our daily life, so its with fear and uncertainty that we now go on without them.

I am so sorry to hear about Neko. I have lost so many to cancer and I understand it when it seems to come out of nowhere.
What a heartbreaking time this is and I have tears falling while typing this because I feel the pain of this kind of loss right now..it is always with us but it is at times like this that we fail to keep it under control.

I understand about your puppies and your other kitties. I see where you talked about when Kota left, Neko tried to comfort you and you don't see that happening right now. As you continue to love and be loved by the babies that are in your home now...if you continue to feel the emptiness of a special affection..maybe in the future you will consider adopting a new baby. Sometimes newness can be a good distraction. When I lost my last of 3..Little Guy...in Sept...my home was completely catless for the first time in over 16 years..because those sweethearts I had lasted the longest of all my lifetime pets. As the holidays came..October (Halloween without my black beauties), Thanksgiving..it became too much and around Christmas I started visiting the no kill shelters here and the weekend adoptions at pet stores from no kill shelters. We spent Christmas alone even though Christmas Eve I did feel I found a new friend to adopt and so we spent the final Holiday of the year my LIttle Guy left us alone..thinking of him. When I adopted my new one (who does resemble my Little Guy) the day after Christmas, it helped me a lot to think I would not go through another Holiday without a new baby to hug and love.

I understand your checking Neko out. Keeper and Little Guy were twin brothers. Keeper developed lymphoma in 2002 and we lost him in less than a week of finding out..because he all of a sudden had it in both lungs and could hardly breathe.
I always wondered about Little Guy, the other twin, and it looks like when we lost him this past September..again an emergency breathing problem..fluid in his chest but no tumors on x-ray and no fluid a week earlier..I felt as you described..that being siblings cancer taking one may take the other but we had until 2007 before it took him and I am so sorry Neko's came so sooner after Kota's. Going through these things and hearing about these things happening just makes one feel so absolutely helpless..so helpless you want to scream out at the injustice of it all.

Hugs to you and your family..what more can we say or do except to picture giving a very tight hug to one another knowing deep inside we all have the same pain but when things like this happen that pain jumps up and becomes magnified and we feel each other's hurt as identical to what we felt when we lost our special ones.

Take Care, I wish you peace and healing from this terrible happening. Another example of life's unfairness and it hurts more when it is the loving babies who are attacked in this manner.

I continue to tell myself that once all our babies are gone, that I don't want any more pets, not because I'm heartless, but because I cannot endure this pain again. I have a soft spot for animals, and sometimes I think I care for them more than I do people. The pain of losing a pet is worse than I ever imagined it would be, which is why I probably never gave it a second thought all these years because it was too much to even think about. But I cannot lie to myself, as much as I would like to think that I can live a happy life free from attachments to little furry babies, I just can't. We still have 4 animals in our house and it already feels empty, I cannot imagine what it will feel like when they have all passed, the silence and emptiness I think would be just as painful, if not moreso, as losing them all over again.

I don't think we will be getting another kitty anytime soon, but I do think we will be spending more time with the 2 that are left Whiskers and Bonnie, hopefully forming special bonds with them. Because while Kota and Neko were around the other 2 kitties really didn't have a chance, maybe now their true colors will finally show thru. I can only hope they finally open up to us and offer us something close to that unconditional love that we used to get from Kota and Neko. Because I never realized how much it helped me get thru my day to day life, because having to go on now without that sort of affection is difficult.

Alex1, am so terrible sorry for your past losses, I know that it most be very painful and difficult for all you to go thru so much pain and sadness in such short time. Believe me, am going thru some pain my self also becouse I have a Dog Son his name is Buster and they found out he has cancer in his nose and not untill the next June 17th I will find out if they going to be able to operate on him or not, I am kind of desperate as am typing this 'cause I love him so much I don't know what the future holds for him. I wish you all the best, God Bless you, your wife and your son, from Buster and Jorge .

Alex, I am so sorry you have to experience the deep agonizing pain and sorrow again so soon after losing Kota. It is so heartbreaking losing one love let alone two in such a short amount of time. My condolences to you and your wife.

The deafening sound you describe is horrible. Even though I have my Gidget & Browser in the house, Goliath's voice still is not heard. No matter how many furry kids I ever have there will always be something missing in not hearing Goliath.

You may be surprised just how much your other babies change. My Gidget changed dramatically for the better after Goliath died. She became much more friendly and opened up to more people and when we brought a puppy into our home a few months ago, she welcomed him wholeheartedly. Her personality has blossomed and she plays like a puppy again herself at 11 years old.

My heart goes out to you Alex as well as your wife. The devastation you are feeling having lost Neko has to very overwhelming for both of you. I am glad you have each other to work through this sad time of your lives.

May you find comfort and be blessed in all you have had. Both of you are special to have been twice blessed in having had such beautiful furry kids to know and love.

Much love with hugs of comfort from my heart to yours,
Beth

Thank you all for your kind words and support. As much as it hurts, I know we did the best thing for Neko, she was in pain and letting her go was the right decision. I know her last moments with us were good, she was purring so loud this morning you could hear it in the next room, she was happy, she was being held by her mommy and daddy and being loved, thats all she ever wanted.

A bit of extra information for you guys. My wife went to the store and bought some cookies, some flowers, and a card to take to the vet to thank them for taking care of all our babies for all these years, and for going above and beyond to do all they could for Neko this morning. When she go there to drop the stuff off, they put her in a room and told her she needed to see Dr. McKnight, our vet. When he came into the room he went over the details with her as he did with me over the phone and then expressed his sincerest condolences and apologized for not being able to do more for Neko. What my wife told me happened next touched my heart, she said his eyes turned red and glossy and she could tell he was holding back the tears, his voice began to quiver as he spoke and she could tell losing Neko hurt him, apparently as it did everyone at the vets office. My wife was later told by one of the techs that they all cried this morning when they let Neko go. We have been going to this vet for many years, and everyone there has gotten to know each and every one of our babies. So when we lose a baby, they feel it too, because they knew our babies as we did, they knew the love we had for them, so they share in our pain. Knowing this touched me deeply, to know that those that take care of our babies put so much of their hearts into what they do and love each and every one of their patients as if it were their own.

I now know that for as long as we live here, our babies will go no where else, Dr. McKnight has taken care of all of our babies and always done everything he can to do what is best for them, he even saved Whiskers' life a few years back when he got hit by a car. I trust these people 100% with my babies and that is hard to come by. I'm thankful we have such wonderful people to turn to when our babies are in need.

I cry when I read your story. It has been 9 days since I lost my Sissycat. Not to an illness, but an accident so I had to warning at all. I bet your last night with her was so wonderful. I know it still has to be very hard. You have to know she is in a better place and WILL be waiting for you.

That story about your vet and the staff is truly wonderful. We need to hear things like that to remind us there are those who hurt when our babies hurt. It isn't always easy to find these especially caring people but when you do it is like finding the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow and when our loved ones do go to the Rainbow Bridge, these kinds of people help us to heal showing us how much we are not alone when these tragic diseases suddenly appear and whisk away our very best friends.

I loved your description of Neko purring so loudly you could hear it in the next room. Between you and your wife and Neko..a perfect circle of love was formed and Neko felt it...as you all did....and I think she was feeling peace. A wonderful moment to treasure always.

Thank you for sharing.

It is wonderful that other people, especially those who have taken care of our treasured furry kids, respond so kindly and lovingly. You do indeed have a very special and caring veterinary team. It's people like this that make the entire world a whole lot better.

When Goliath passed away, I had no idea just how many people really cared about him or me. My own vet called me after the ER called him to express his condolences. Later his staff sent a beautiful card and made a donation to our local animal shelter in Goliath's memory. People who knew us in the neighborhood as well as our working environment sent cards and checked up on me regularly to see if there was anything at all they could do for me. It was a wonderful feeling to hear from others just how much Goliath and I meant to them.

I have been blessed in life with being surrounded by many beautiful and caring people.

May God bless you and your family and restore peace and happiness into your lives.

I'm so terribly sorry about your beautiful girl. My heart goes out to you...suffering two such devastating losses in such a short period of time.

It sounds like you have a very fine vet ( and crew ). When I think of all the suffering innocents they see every day, I often wonder where they get the strength.
I greatly admire good vets.


My most profound sympathies to you and your family,
Dayna

Dear Alex, Your post made me cry so much because I understand the pain that you are going through. I lost my cat William only last month and he had a mass attached to his pancrease that ended his life. My vet was also very upset about us losing William because for 5 1/2 years he had diabetes and he had helped us control his cronic illness for all that time. So William became a regular attachment to them. they were very upest when they had to tell us that there was nothing they could do for him and took great pains to ease his suffering. I couldn't be there at the end because I was so devestated but two nurses and the vet gave him is last shot and took great care that he never felt any dicomfort at the end. I am so broke at the moment that they even paid for his cremation and the wooden box I now have him in because they cared about him and me so much.... I cannot afford to pay them but they did that for him and me... There have also been times in the last few years that we didn't even pay for his medication.... I know they did everything they could for him and they also knew that we gave him a good loving home and cared for him so well and that is why they went to such lenghts for my sister and I. Harry my other cat is lost without him as they have been togther since birth.... His personality has changed significantly..... I worry because I don't want to lose him also as he is a link to William.

I know how painful this is for you and your family... it must be hard when you have lost two very close together aand I dread it when Harry goes. I cannot tell you when the pain subsides because mine hasn't but coming here has helped me so much in the last month. Just to know that other ppl feel as I do helps me so much...

You are not alone Alex just remember that and come here and post when you feel that you need that ciber shoulder


Williams Mummy ***

So we had Neko cremated and her ashes will be ready for us to pickup either this afternoon or first thing in the morning and it has kind of forced me to deal with the reality of all this. Honestly I think up until last night, none of this really seemed real, its almost as if I kept myself convinced that Neko was just at the vet and would be home soon. The reality of it all did not sink in until last night, when I pulled her picture up on my home computer. It was at that moment, while staring into her eyes on the screen, I realized she would never be coming home. I remembered how she used to sit on my lap and purr in the evenings while I would play games on the computer, and suddenly I began to cry. There I sat in the very same chair where her and I shared so many loving moments, and I realized the picture of her on the screen would be the closest I'll ever come to holding her again. I thought about all the time she spent with me in that room, all the memories I had of her in that room, infact it was in that very room where she fought for her life just a few months ago when she was diagnosed with fatty liver disease. I remember how I used to open the door to bring her food and she would come running up meowing at me for attention. But now when I open that door, all I hear is silence and it is deafening, I can't stand it.

I often find myself at night reaching out the spot where she used to sleep, as if to check to see if she is really gone, when I find she is not there it makes me ache inside. There are nights I often dream about Kota, and it brings me comfort because it feels like he is still here in a way, but with Neko I haven't had that yet and it makes me miss her even more. After Kota died, Neko and I developed such a special bond, as if we were comforting one another thru the loss, and now I have no comfort and it hurts so much.

I'm trying so hard to get our other kitties, Whiskers and Bonnie, to bond with us, but they are so independent that they are somewhat reluctant to do so. But I give Whiskers credit, he sleeps on our bed a lot more than he used to, he may not stay all night but its a start. I can only hope eventually he will be somewhere close to as sweet and loving as Kota and Neko used to be.

That sounds much like what I am going throught loosing my kitty. I still look at the spot on her bed where she used to lay. I have her two sisters. They were not as loving or as cuddly as she was. I have been workiung really hard with them to get closer to them. One has slept in my room once since she has been gone. I am working on that. That was her space and no other cat would go in there so guess it will be a change to work on. Hang on to all the special memories you have. When you feel like it post other memories you have of her. I will be glad to read them.

Much love and hugs to you

You may find a little peace once Neko's remains are back at home.

Once I had Goliath home secured in his urn, I made a special place for him in our bedroom. His urn sits under a small recessed light on an open shelf in a cabinet. Having him there at night brings me so much comfort. Goliath slept wrapped in my arms all of his life.

Give your other kitties time to come around. Just as you need time to heal, they need time to reveal more of themselves and adjust to the changes in your home. This long journey of healing takes a very long time. We can comfort each other as we all walk together.

Hugs of comfort from my heart to yours,
Beth

Dear Alex,

I am so deeply sorry for your loss. Not sure if you read my thread, but last night I came close to loosing my little girl and reading your story touched me deeply, it was all I could do to keep from bawling my eyes out here at my cubicle. Last night and this morning, I went through a similar scenario where we said our good-byes to Candy just in case she does not come hope. She's currently at the vet getting a blood transfusion and like yourself, I'm just waiting for news from the vet.

I wish I had better words of comfort for you. I know when Candy does eventually go, I will have no more pets for awhile. My other half feels similar to you in that the pain is just too much. But for me personally, I think it helps with the healing process to get another animal, not to mention just how many homeless pets need homes.

Again, my deepest condolences to you and your wife. When you talked about playing video games (I'm a gamer) I remember how Candy sit's by my feet while I'm playing World of Warcraft. Some nights, she would actually bark at me when she felt I played to much and wants attention.

Hang in there, as much as it hurts now, it will get a little bit better in time.

Hal - Candy's Dad

Well we took our next oldest baby, our 10 yr old dog Maggie, to the vet today to get checked out. Shes been suffering from arthritis for a while and we had been out of her meds till this past week and I could tell she was starting to hurt. After taking her meds for a few days she perked up and became her old self again. So I dropper her off at the vet this morning and this fear fell over me, I was so afraid to have them look at her for fear they might find something wrong.

Well I just called them a bit ago and they said aside from the tartar buildup and gingivitis on her teeth, Maggie looks good. The heartworm test came back negative, the fecal tests came back negative and they gave her a good once over and said she is a healthy dog. I can't even explain the joy I feel right now, to know that our baby is healthy and okay and that she will be around for a good long while. Honestly after the losses we have had to deal with in the past month, I don't think I could have handled any more bad news or loss of life. I'm truly happy today to know my baby is okay. She was a wedding present to me from my wife, she was a year old when we got her, she has been a great dog for all these years, and I'm glad to know she will remain so for years to come.

I'd like to say thank you to all of you who read my story and offered words of support. Without finding this site I fear I may have been lost and still trying to deal with things on my own. I'm finally able to move forward, I still miss Kota and Neko and sometimes get sad when I think of them, but the overwhelming grief is finally gone. I am happy again, even though I still do shed a tear for them from time to time, I now find joy in remembering all the fond memories from years past with our 2 babies. They will always have a special place in my heart, I know they are still with me in spirit because they visit me in my dreams. I will see them again one day, and when I do it will be a joyous occasion.

I sure am happy Maggie's checkup eased your fears of finding anything wrong with her. You must be overwhelmed with joy now that you that you know she is well. Did you have her teeth cleaned or make another appointment to do so?

I think once we have suffered the anguish of having a furkid pass away we tend to worry ourselves much more than before. Deep down inside we still question whether there was something we missed before that could have been avoided and saved their life.

I fully understand your worries about Maggie. This last May I had to take my Gidget in to have a tumor removed from her face and lymphnode. I was scared just like you. My fear was that I was going to wind up starting a brand new journey of healing when I hadn't even finished the first one. Goliath had just passed away 7 months before unexpectedly. Thankfully it was benign and I was so relieved.

Give Maggie an extra special belly rub from me.

Many hugs to you as well,
Beth

Thank you for the upbeat update on Maggie. I remember earlier you were starting to get a little worried about her and were taking her in for a checkup.

I am also happy to hear you do not feel so overwhelmed now by the sadness of your 2 babies.
It all takes time, doesn't it? But it sure helps to hear good news.

Give Maggie a special big hug and a Good Girl! from me.