Life sure doesn't feel the same anymore, it feels very empty now. It's just completely different since Monkey's gone.

When I first moved into the new house in Aug'07 I was so proud of it. It was new and perfect and I would get bent if I found a little smudge on the new walls. Now you should see the place. I vacuumed for the first time last week since Monkey passed in March. I've broken 2 or 3 doors, there are at least 2 holes in the drywall. I kicked my car door open and bent the hinges on it. I sometimes get mad over what happened as you can tell. Well, they are just meaningless possessions. I was proud of them but they never mattered as much as a precious life, not even close. I really bought the house for the cats, I was thinking of them when I saw the layout and yard and such. Now I don't care. I probably could level the place but I realize I must maintain somewhat.

I never would have thought that the vets could be so stupid. It was always "its possible that it's this" and "its possible that it's that" and "it could be this or this".
Why don't you just say you don't know moron!! It's like going into a store to find something and you ask a salesperson where it is, and they don't know, and they start wandering around looking for it, and you're following them, and you're like "I can wander around lost on my own but you want me to follow you and you're lost". Or more like, you find out more on your own than the stupid vet even knows, and he's the "professional" or "doctor".

All right, I'm getting upset and starting to rant and rave. I just can't believe EVERYTHING could go wrong. I mean, even Murphy's Law says that if "something" can go wrong it will, not "everything".

Some examples are:

Mis-diagnosis
Missed diagnosis
I care until the treatments are done and I have all your money
Under medicating
Improper treatment
under treatment

AHHHHHHHH. I could scream.
I need something to break before I start crying. (A certain vets neck would be nice)

I am glad you are starting a thread about Monkey. I saw your website tribute and she is a beautiful baby. Because the avatar pictures here are kind of small....it would be really nice if you would post some of those pictures you have...here...where we all can see.

Tell us some stories about your happy memories with her. Start from the beginning...how old was she when you got her...what are her special charms...

It is the good memories that help us heal although that may take a lot of time. Many here can understand your anger at such a loss and your "disappointment" with your vets. It seems a crime when a loss is accompanied by memories of treatment and diagnosis that are upsetting. It does help to rant, to vent against all the unfairness we feel when we lose one so very special.

We do the best we can trying to care for these sweethearts but we can only do so much. I won't say all vets are perfect because they are not but just like doctors for us...there are some that are special and there are some we would never want to see again. I hate when there are unanswered questions about a loss...that is the worst thing when trying to heal. But again, we are human and so are the vets and even with their studies, they are not God and therefore not perfect. When we find one who goes beyond normal caring, we do feel blessed to have one to bring our babies to but even they, no matter how hard they try, cannot always give the perfect answers.

I have found grief to be so exhausting and also any anger or questions that my baby's loss is bad enough to deal with....I have to let those other things go for my own health.

What helps me is my belief that when it is their time to leave us, no one can prevent it...not us and not our vets. These diseases we see take them are devastating but then that is the part of life we know is not fair in so many ways. It can't even be fair to such wonderful ones who ask nothing but to give something..their unconditional love. So, we are truly helpless when fate or whatever decides they have to leave physically. If there is a way to prolong a quality of life and it is meant to be, control stays with us to get that treatment but if they are meant to leave.....all human control is taken away. I am grateful for every day they were in my life and I know everyone feels the same way about that.

One Mom here said: the pain of losing her will never ever be greater than the joy of knowing her. I agree and it is joy we knew and now have as good memories that help ease the pain..in time.

I am so sorry for the hurt you are feeling but remember...here you are never alone. We are there in that same pain with you.
And if we can say something that helps lessen it, that also helps our healing too.

Hugs and wishes for inner peace and healing. Please tell us about Monkey...from the beginning of when she came into your life.

I'm so very sorry for your loss. Monkey was such a beautiful girl. Your website for her is beautiful. It has been 18 months since I lost my Alley and I still think about her and miss her every single day. Most of the time I can think of good things about her, her funny little meow, or how she would get stuck on the roof. But sometimes I do relive those last days, and I get so angry, like you, that I want to choke someone, or hit something. In time though, the good memories to outweigh the bad. I hope you can find that place with your memories of Monkey.

Just know that you are not alone.

Hello,am so sorry for your loss also and understand the pain you are going thru, please don't be afraid to feel angry because that is part of the healing prosess. One thing I want you to be sure of and that is if you feel lonely and need to talk to us be free to do so becouse all of us will be here for you like they were for me when I needed it the most, one way or another we all feel the same pain of loosing a dear baby to us. My heart is with you like it is every body elses here, God Bless, Buster and Jorge .

Monkey's Dad,

I know I nave been very fortunate to have had so many good, gifted vets, at least the last several years. But 15 years ago I trusted a vet with my heart-cat, my darling, my baby angel Mephistopheles ( aka Fleas ). I believed this woman when she told me that nothing more could be done to treat his chronic renal failure, his suffering was only going to get worse, and it would be terrible and it was time to let go, so I signed the consent for and buried my boy. A few years later I learned from a very reliable source that when the vet's husband was dying of cancer, he had begged her to euthanise him until she did. Following that, my source said, she ( understandably ) went a little bit mad and wanted to put every patient she had to sleep. Finally her son persuaded her to retire.

In all my life I never was so angry, never wanted so much to do murder, as I was when I learned what more could have been done for my cat I loved more than my next breath. Since then my policy towards vets, even if I know them well is " trust with verification" . And some horror stories I've read from other embers reinforces my caution. And it usually seems to be cats these vets are ignorant of. or callous towards.

I guess the point of that sad long-winded story is to let you know you're not alone. I eventually came to terms with my baby's death...it took a while, and I damaged some furniture in the process. My fondest hope for you is that you find peace sooner than I did.

All the best,
Dayna

I try to remember the good things, but the nightmare of her last months are all too fresh in my memory. I often think of little things she used to do and it makes me smile a little or even chuckle to myself.
Monkey was born in October of '90. I got her mom about 6 months earlier, and she used to escape out through the window screens of my apartment before I had her fixed and apparently had gotten pregnant. I didn't even know until a buddy said"man that cat's pregnant". She just had 3 babies, Monkey, Buddy and Ashley.
Mommy, Buddy and Ashley are still with me. But Monkey was my favorite. Of course she has to be the one to go first.
I remember I named her after watching her jump from the floor to the top of the kitchen cabinets. That was like a 7 foot vertical leap. I was amazed. So thats what got me calling her Monkey, I don't know if there's any relation to a 7 foot vertical leap and a Monkey, but thats my story and I'm sticking to it.
I already posted a couple funny stories under the pinned topic of "Post your Happy Memories Here"
http://lightning-strike.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=4220
Plus a couple on her website.
I remember she always wanted to come in the bathroon when I was in there. She would be on the other side of the door and stick a paw under it and wait for me to play with her, and its like, I'm trying to take care of business here. But she was always where I was, night and day.
I always remember she would wait for me outside the door if I was in a closed room, and I would always get a big meow when I opened it, she had such a cute little meow, it was very feminine sounding I guess, very soft and high pitched. But I hope when its my turn to leave this world, and I open that door, Monkey is there with one of her comforting little meows. Otherwise, what would the point of all this be?

Thanks for the stories. It is stories like that that make us smile and we all need that right now..as much as possible.

Funny.. your paw under the bathroom door story is amazing. My 3 black beauties were with me..from 10 to over 16 years and they never did that. But Lucky, the shelter cat I adopted in December, has started doing that with my husband and now everytime my husband goes into the bathroom and shuts the door, Lucky lies outside it on his side sometimes and my husband moves a small towel back and forth and Lucky one time pulled it through enough he got his teeth into it and was hanging on. Now he goes there and waits for the shadow movement and does put his paw as far under the door as he can reach..being stretched out.

It just sounded like Monkey and Lucky may have shared spirits. He is also the only cat to jump on the kitchen counters from the floor.
These babies each have their own personality and yet they share a lot of the same traits..the ones that make us smile thinking of them.

You said: But I hope when its my turn to leave this world, and I open that door, Monkey is there with one of her comforting little meows. Otherwise, what would the point of all this be?

I couldn't agree with you more.

Continue sharing stories..you will find that is helping you inside..each time you allow a good memory to push aside a sad one...that is a baby step toward healing. the pain will never go away but it will wind up kind of locked away eventually. It does escape at times and we can have a very sad day but when we are back in control...we will have more good memories and therefore good days, such as there can be, than the ones that hurt so very much.

Hugs and wishes for peaceful days soon....but it does take time no matter what we do. You are not alone in grieving. You are not alone in pain. The wishes you have for Monkey echo all ours for our own wonderful best friends who have physically left..but only physically.

I look at your girl's picture on your tribute website and my thought was "What a beautiful baby".

I chuckled at Monkey's paw-under-the-door-game. All my cats do it to some degree but when Oliver was an older kitten, he used to do it ALL THE TIME to the front door of my apartment. I knew when people were at my door before they'd knock because he'd be up to the shoulder next to it. That's how I got my Daphne, Oliver and her were playing under the door game and I opened the door and found not a visitor but a calico cat on the other side. Man, that stuff was great.

Incidentally, I haven't swept either.

I am terribly sorry you have to deal with anger and incompetence on top of grieving. I switched vets about a year ago or so. The vet I switched from I actually worked for 7 years ago or so and he lives less than a block from me. He is good, just not my style. My vet now is great, he and his nurse wife along with another woman who's the vet assistant run the place themselves and they are totally in it for the love of animals, the rest is secondary. Once, he had an incubator full of orphaned baby raccoons. His wife arranged to drive some crazy amount of miles for medicine because Oliver's original symptoms and tests looked like a rare bacterial infection. They know me by my first name. One of my best friends in San Diego said her vet came back from vacation when her kitty had a bad health scare and then charged her something like 200 bucks for what would have been over 1000. He also goes around donating time and skills for animals just to help, no money asked for. Good vets are out there and I hope that you too will find a good one, shop around and don't settle until you do. Maybe some here can give you referals if you live in the same area...let me know if you live in NE Indiana or San Diego.

Oliver's mama

There's no doubt that when you leave this world you indeed can expect Monkey to greet you. When two loves are so connected they never separate. This kind of bound love is secure and Monkey lives in you and around you. All creatures great and small, He hath made them all.

May your days be filled with the happy memories you and Monkey made together on this earth. She left you with so many wonderful times to remember and cherish for the rest of your natural life. One day you and she will be reunited in a place where only love lives forever and ever.

Take care,
Beth

I'm in indiana, just NW of Indianapolis. Anybody happen to live out this way and know a good vet let me know. I'm sure the odds of anyone on here being in the same area as me are pretty slim though.

I don't have a whole lot of pictures of Monkey. I have gigs of video though. I do have this one polaroid I took sometime in the late '90s though that I need to scan and get on here, and on Monkeys website too.
It's a picture I took on a Thanksgiving. Usually on Thanksgiving I either go to my Mom's or my Aunt's house. That particular year my Mom was out of town and my Aunt usually has Thanksgiving dinner around 1 pm. 1 pm? I'm still in breakfast mode at 1 pm. So, anyway, I decided I'm going to go all out and cook a full Thanksgiving dinner for myself (and the cats). So I did. The whole deal. A big turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, corn, stuffing, the works. And I made up four different plates, one for each cat, with everything mentioned, and I have a picture of it. Pretty funny. I just need to find a color scanner so I can get it on here.
Oh, I did get a plate for myself too.

Looking forward to seeing that one. Sounds really great!

MY beloved Fleasy-cat was a turkey-holic. He could smell turkey even if it was frozen. On Thankgiving Day , he used to lie in the kitchen floor, on his back ,kicking his feet and screaming, as only a siamix can. Then when it was served he would get in your lap and take it out of your mouth, if you let him. He would have been such a "hit" at your Turkey-Day feast.

Gotta see that pic.

Jim, I'm very sorry for your loss. You've done a great job at your tribute site, though, befitting of the love you and Monkey shared. I kept trying to leave a comment there, but no matter how much I whittled the content down (to almost nothing!), it kept implying I had more than 500 characters......so I gave up and decided to find one of your threads here instead. Here's most of what I was first trying to write there....with a few additions.

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I saw the 'look-a-like' sock/tee image very clearly. I'D take it as a sign, especially since Monkey and socks are so LINKED to begin with. A sign is usually PERSONALLY MEANINGFUL to the one it comes to. I don't believe in the idea of randomness in the Universe, so I think everything has meaning and we just need to discern what that is for each of us, individually (and also as a whole, human consciousness on the planet).

I don't know exactly how you asked the communicator about it, ie. if you first described it before you asked, but it may have helped to simply ask WHAT sign(s) Monkey had sent to you, to see if the answer jibed with what you saw, or with socks or something. That would have added powerful validation to it and may have helped you feel more confident about it. (you could always try this with a different communicator if you feel so inclined)

I also love your story about what Monkey DID with socks....reminds me of my own girl, Nissa, dragging her 'snakes' up and yowling about her always-great 'catch'. Memories for us both to cherish, even if they still hurt, too, because we miss our babies so. (I'm at 22 months as of today, and it's still more painful than not, but I don't apologize for that, or minimize it -- it just is what it is)

I can also completely understand not only the lack of unpacking because of how you feel now, but also your rage against so much concerning your loss, especially the docs. Too high a % of them fail us/our beloveds, both in the animal and human category....just when we need their help the most. (haven't even read your entire story as I haven't been around for wks., but 'get' it just the same as I've heard similar stories more times than I can count) I think for a lot of them, they're only really interested in 'helping' an animal (or human) if they're still relatively HEALTHY, because that's easier for them to handle in their practice. It IS very hard to find really good vets, at least locally, and just as much a challenge to find good human doctors. That's why I used more than one, and not all local. Many of the best animal parents I personally know did/do just that -- teams of vets, to try and cover more bases.

Also, the anger inherent in grief is about as large and intense as it ever gets in life. It's magnified, as are ALL feelings associated with loss, but there's nothing wrong or 'bad' about feeling it. As with any emotion, it's only what we do with it and how we process it that's really important in the long run, and there's nothing wrong with venting it at appropriate places, with those who can understand and accept it, to keep it from getting stuck inside where it can do us harm.

Similarly to you, we purchased our current home mainly with an eye to what our KIDS would like better, and I landscaped our yard mainly for THEM and THEIR preferences......so I 'get' that whole idea, too. At least we can say we had their best interests at heart ourselves, to the greatest degree we could figure out at any given time. That still counts, even in our grief and the anger that's a part of that grief.

However, you've done a lovely memorial site for Monkey and I'm sure she's so pleased to be honoured by you this way. She deserves it, and so do you. And I'm so sorry.....

F's Mom

Hi, F's mom.
Thanks for visiting, I'm glad you liked it. I'm curious, were you able to hear the music? I'm not sure if thats working for everyone or not.
I did have the comments limited to 500 characters, sorry. I changed it to ten thousand so that shouldn't happen again.

Yea those socks are a trip. I still haven't moved them. I feel like it would be losing part of her if I did. I yell at the other cats if they get to close or act like they are going to mess them up, so far they haven't. Crazy, I know, but it is just too much of a coincidence not to be just random. It just feels like it's a part of her there, especially since it happened right after she passed. The other day one of my other cats layed down behind the socks in the EXACT same position, on his side, head on an arm. I mean, it looked identical to the socks. I tried to sneak off and get my camera but he saw me and lifted his head up. I sat there with the camera for a minute hoping he would lay his head back down, but he didn't, he got up. Damn. That would have been a great shot.

I think when I saw the communicator I just showed her the picture and asked what she thought, it's been a while though. Overall though, i wasn't very impressed with her. I do have an appointment with another lady this week. She's supposed to be real good. I guess the first lady I saw trained with the lady I'm going to see. She's got a cool site. It's medicinehorsewoman.com
Hopefully that will be a better experience. Not that the last one was that bad, she just didn't seem very "tuned in" I guess.

Yes, it was also a rare site to see Monkey with a "snakey" in her mouth. She always did it when I was either asleep or downstairs. Sometime I'd come upstairs and there would be a half-dozen socks all around. It was funny to see her with one in her mouth, head help up high so as not to trip over the thing. She was so funny. The only time she meowed when she had one would be at night. She usually would drag it alllllll the way to the basement from the second floor and just start meowing in rapid succesion. Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. So I'd have to get up and take it away from her if I was going to get any sleep. You know, I never once then thought about someday this would be all I have left of her. Memories. I don't know, I guess you just think they are going to be around forever sometimes.

Ahh, anger. Lots of anger. Put 2 more holes in the walls this week. The new house is starting to look old real quick. Thank God I'm exercising SOME control or who knows how trashed the place would be. I don't see things ever getting any better or easier. As long as she's gone whats going to be any different? It's amazing how much things have changed. It's like now I can see where the best days of my life ended and now I'm just alive. Now all I can do is look back and think about the good ol' days and would give anything to go back there. Yesterday, when Monkey was alive, my dad was alive, and I was younger. Today, just another day that I wish would hurry up and be over with so I can be one day closer to this all being over with. Thats all I have left. There are no "happy endings" in this life, endings are all bad.

Though your future happiness may seem bleak at this time, please allow yourself just a glimmer of hope that all endings eventually bring a new beginning. Even in death.

I felt much like you after my Goliath passed away so suddenly in my arms. Left in complete despair and agaony, I lost the will to live. Nothing seemed right and I felt absolutely hollow inside. For two months I could feel myself falling deeper and deeper into a dark and lonely place held captive by a dreadful dark oppressive spirt I had never met before. That dark spirit would have liked nothing better than to destroy me and steal all the love I had left in me to share with others. I wasn't about to let anything or anybody take away anything more from me.

The treasure chest of memories I hold in my heart are mine forever. Goliath was a great teacher of love and I paid attention when he taught me. Over time I came to heal just enough to let his sunshine in me and all around me. Though his body has perished, his love goes on and on in all that I touch, see, hear,and feel. Life is good again.

May you find a place of comfort and acceptance again one day. Reach within yourself and you will find that Monkey left you with far more than grief. She was with you here on earth and will continue to be in all you do with each day. One day she will greet you at Heaven's Gate and take you to a place where loves lives forever.

Much love and comfort from my heart to yours,
Beth

Hi Jim, yes, you did a Great Job and the Music it is Lovely, it is that good that they are tears rolling down my face right now, am so sorry for your loss and for calling you Jim, May God Bless you and your Beautiful Baby Girl Monkey, always, Jorge

I'm glad you liked it. I'm glad Monkey is still touching hearts. She is such a good girl. (I still don't like to use past tense, and i don't think I ever will)
It's ok that you called me Jim, it is my name after all.

Hi again, Monkey's Dad.

No, I couldn't hear the music (maybe just as well for me, since I don't do too well with it yet), but I did notice there was supposed to be some. Might have something to do with individual computer settings/firewalls, too.

I know I wouldn't move the socks, either. We have a juniper bush we can see out the front window that for years since my boy died, suddenly took on the shape of his head at the top of the bush. So when we looked through the window at night, it looked like he was peeking at us from behind the bush. It only grew out of that shape right after his sister, Nissa, died. Now, I'll probably be removing it as it's outgrown the spot, but irrationally (but who cares?), I'm actually pissed at that bush now anyway for daring to change that continuously wonderful shape on me! So ANYTHING that brings us even the smallest bit of solace is worth keeping until we feel a need to makea change, or give it up. You'll have to buy more socks, I guess, though! Or not..that's totally up to you, too, actually.

Yes, too bad your other furkid didn't cooperate for that picture. But then, many felines are averse that way, aren't they? We couldn't even say "the C word" in front of Sabin, while Nissa didn't mind getting her picture taken at all. And perhaps Monkey didn't want her sign messed with, anyway!

I, too, hope your second go at a communication will net more for you. Just like with other professionals, it can be a long haul to try and find the best one suited to your tastes and preferences, as well as one who's just REALLY GOOD at it. I do hope the next one is more spot-on for you. At least it sounds like she does some preliminary groundwork with you to make sure you're confident she's connected with your own baby first, so that's something. (her Medicine Horse sounds even better than she is, but I see you must go in person for that service) And as with any skill-set, telepathic communication can take a lot of dedicated practice to get really accurate most of the time, unless you're lucky enough to have not squashed the 'art' down as much as most have and so are more of a "natural" at it than others.

When Nissa dragged her 'snakes' (or sometimes other sundry toys) up, frankly it delighted me/us so much that I, or sometimes both of us, would get up and praise her hunting prowess so she'd feel satisfied she'd done a good job of it, no matter the time of night (or day). She was so proud of her hunting skills and always wanted to share her own joy with us, and it made me chortle with glee and love to know her Mom's 'blessing' was that important to her happiness. Of course, sometimes this was just a bid to "PLAY now, please, cuz I'm ready to be kooky now!" And I'm glad to say that at least sometimes I'd even oblige her on that count (yes, no matter the time) just because it gave me so much joy to be able to give her what she wanted. Plus, I always felt so badly for her no longer having her beloved brother still there to do the middle-of-the-night play thing they'd so often done together for the 13 years he was here with us.

It's easy to get lulled into a sense of believing we'll have physical eternity with our loved ones on this plane, even if it's not "realistic." But it can also be difficult to live each day with conscious awareness that any day could be the last one we've got, without getting lost in the pain & fear that thought can bring. Any of us who've suffered anticipatory grief can attest to how hard it is to strike the best balance between the two modes of thinking. So it's no wonder so many of us prefer to live in a state of "ignorance is bliss". While it lasts, it tends to be a happier state, even though it obviously also contains its opposite downside at some point.

As for the anger and despairing thoughts, I hear ya. Since I'm classically slow to heal, I still have enough of those kinds of days, for both the same reasons (departed loved ones, passing youth, fading dreams and expectations, etc.) and actually many more complicating factors besides. Hence, I've never been one to be uncomfortable with others' necessary and oftentimes slow steps in processing a loss. This world moves far too fast for me as it is, never mind with the difficult job of dealing with loss and understandable sorrow. So for every emotion, including anger, it can help to simply accept that it's there for now. It tends to lose some steam naturally (for all sorts of metaphysical and psychological reasons) once we just accept being an 'angry person' at this moment. We probably don't want to stay in that state for a long, long time because of the damage it can do to us and those around us, but if we can consider it just another part of our grieving experience, one that we need to feel and express for a time, or on and off as the case may be, that helps resolve a good portion of it.

And just as the grief experts suggest, if we do something constructive with it at some point, that helps dispel it, too. Some people use it to speak with their vets (as rationally as is possible) about their dissatisfaction and experience. Even if they don't accept your feelings, and remain ignorant and self-centered, at least you've expressed your concerns and feelings and this might help other furkids' care in future. Of course, if you still have to work with a particular vet, you must try to choose your words and approach carefully and attempt to work around what you've got. But at least you're giving the both of you a chance to grow in some way and then you can pat yourself on the back for doing something constructive with your feelings. Others channel their anger into other pursuits, such as exercise, punching something inanimate (a punching bag works better than walls that you then have to fix up ...unless you like being a Tim the Toolman Taylor type; doesn't work that well substituting a "J" in there.....writing, building something, seeking counseling, or whatever. So you are helping dispel some of it already. It's just that you're making a lot of future work for yourself at the same time! The only thing I'd be concerned about is how those outbursts might be affecting your other cats while you work through this. They're furpeople, too, and if you think about how children become frightened at seeing, hearing and sensing uncontrolled anger, and how that affects them, you can apply the same logic to animals' reactions.

While I can't yet lay claim to life being good again, as Beth has been able to, (cuz it actually sucks royally again recently, for some of those complicating reasons) I can say in the past I've seen some quite magnificent "silver linings" that have come to pass directly because of my major losses, most especially that of my boy. If not for what he taught me through his living and dying, I would not have stepped up to the plate in the exact ways I did for his sister, my darling daughter. And how could I not be grateful for that?! I would have stayed HATING myself otherwise. If not for him, I would not have had the impetus to begin a spiritual journey, even before his passing but much more so afterwards. They both gave me a greater interest in all things metaphysical and of the quantum physics realm and most importantly experiences and so belief in continuing life. Nissa is also the one who re-opened my heart even wider after Sabin's loss and kept me on that path, loving me with total abandon the whole way, as hard as it has become again both after her crossing and of late. And that doesn't even cover the whole list. So even if I do end up wanting to just give up in future, at least I can say I tried my darndest because of them and their influence on my life and I unquestionably came much farther along in this lifetime than I would have otherwise. The sheer odds they helped me surmount are utterly remarkable and still fill me with awestruck wonder.

I don't have a CLUE if there really are more silver linings in store for me yet (from my girl's passing in particular), but until if or when I might give up, I can still count on my kids staying close by my side, supporting me and loving me totally, no matter what and with nary a break in that love. And I choose to believe that still counts for something amazing and glorious, as I've never been able to say that about any human so far. So while there's been more loss in my life than I care to accept, I also can't say there hasn't been anything good that eventually came from it, and I hope this might give you even a dim hope that the same or hopefully much better is in store for you, too. I know it's hard, but try to hang in there as best you can. Your Monkey Girl still loves you and will hold your paw with hers through it all.

I think I would keep a disposable camera real close to those socks in case I needed a picture. It might work.

I know how devastating it is when we lose a very very special baby. That is the unfair part of life. But I am glad I learned to love these babies so that they could become a part of my life. The only "reason" I can possibly think of for their coming into our lives and leaving is that we are given that unconditional love they are chosen to give out..that humans can't possibly do...and because of that...when they are taken away...it may be to make room for another that needs a home and love and is lonely too just like we become. We never forget our special ones and we will love them and miss them forever but in thinking back in my lifetime...I have never wanted to be without one of these special furbabies...I love their love and I love giving it back...and I hate when they get ill and have to leave but they will always be a special part of my heart and my life and each one possibly makes me appreciate the next one a little more. But I have found that no matter what....I always feel that each one who entered my life will be with me forever...and we know that does not happen.

But I have no regrets loving more than one when one has left. Because of humans' failures, there are too many of these babies being born and killed. They are all born with the spirit of unconditional love inside and there are not enough CARING humans to take care of them all. I believe that if they cannot be with me....knowing they always wanted to comfort me if I was sad because they did not want me to be sad....that kind of love would be happy to know I opened my heart to one of their "brothers" who had no home, and no love given to them. We can't save them all but if it were not for us...where would they be? Where would Monkey be and who would have taken care of her..if she hadn't met you?

I believe the greatest tribute and thank you we can give them for what they have given us...is...to go on, never forgetting...NEVER FORGETTING....but seeking out whatever distraction helps us accept what we cannot change and could not control. I know that as I had one of these sweethearts as part of my life...I was satisfied and did not seek out another but when they were taken from me..the hole in my daily life could only be filled by another...I needed that physical touch of them and from them. And I have always told myself that no matter what...the new one entering my life will never be hurt or abused by anyone else ever...and I know my "Lost" ones would approve of that. They can never be replaced as each one is unique onto themself...that's why whatever we do..we never replace them...but we do what we feel helps fill that emptiness we feel because our sweetheart's physical presence is taken away..and I do mean "taken away" because they would never leave us if the powers that be would not take them away from us.

I hope you keep remembering the happy memories of Monkey's life with you and use those memories to push away the sadness that becomes so much a part of us...we have to work at it...to stop it from becoming constant. Healing many times takes baby steps..devastation comes all at once but healing takes time and our memories and pictures help us to remember them always.

Take Care and I wish you peace and healing.

Well, I saw that animal communicator today. Not very satisfying and not cheap. She kept interrupting me when I was talking, and it was rush, rush, rush, the sessions are 20 minutes each, I ended up doing 2 sessions. I showed her the socks picture and asked what she thought. She thought it was Monkey laying there. When I showed her the sock picture I think she felt dumb or something, I don't know, kinda weird. So i think I'm done with animal communicators anyway. She did start immediately by saying something about Monkey having trouble with her left leg. That was kinda weird. She did have trouble with her leg, but it was the right one. I think she might have talked to the first communicator I saw and got that info from her. The first one I saw did train under this one after all. I never told the first one I was going to see another though, and that was two months ago so....I don't know.
The probably pass information around between each other just in case.

MD.

I'd say the chances that animal communicator 1 didn't give information to number 2 are very small, but often phony psychics are just very adept at cold reading people and guessing...and if the guess is anywhere in the ballpark, people who are vulnerable as a result of grief accept that, or are tricked into volunteering information. But I don't know that they are all hucksters and charlatans...Furkidlet's Mom is very knowledgeable about such things; she can probably help you in that regard.

I can't hear the music on Monkey's page either, so I added some in my head...i decide to go with The Long and Winding Road, by the Beatles. i loved the story about the fries. she was decidedly a character, your Monkey. I can't tell you how sorry I am you lost her.

Wishing you some comfort,
Dayna

Well I do get a recorded cd of the reading. That's the most I ever spent on a cd.
So Furkidlet's Mom does readings? Is that so Furkidlet's Mom?

Yea, reader 1 must have said something to 2 because she said something about her having leg trouble before I even sat down practically. But that was basically the only thing she got right, even though she did say it was the left leg when it was really the right leg though. When I told her that, she said Monkey was dyslexic, and for the rest of the reading everthing would be opposite as far as left and right were concerned, haha.

If you can't hear the music you probably don't have Adobe Flash Player installed.
It's a very common player and they say 90% of the pcs out there have it so it won't cause you any problems.
If you want it you can get it here: http://www.adobe.com/go/EN_US-H-GET-FLASH
It's really a great tune. I first heard it in 2002 and for some reason it reminded me of the kids and made me want to be with them. I hadn't heard it in years but it was the first thing that came to mind when thinking of a theme for the site. It wasn't easy to find either.

Monkey was dyslexic? Wow that explains everything! I guess Monkey was really a white cat, as well.

I've got flash player...just discovered the dogs have pulled out the speaker plug in.

Actually, I just meant that FKM knows a lot about the topic in general. but it wouldn't surprise me if she was gifted in that area.

Well, it's been almost 4 months now and I don't feel any different or better, not that I thought I would.
I still haven't picked up Monkey's ashes, I don't even like to say those words. I've been to the place twice and just sat in the parking lot and couldn't get up the nerve to go in. I hear everone say how it brings them comfort to have their baby home again, but I know there will be no comfort in it for me.

I once asked them to mail them to me, but after I hung up and though about it, it didn't feel right, and I called back and canceled. I could just see them getting lost in the mail or something rediculous happening and I would never forgive myself.

I may try next week to get them, but even if I do, I will put them up somewhere out of site. I don't think I'll ever be able to look at them.
I couldn't be in the room when they euthanized her, I broke down and chickened out and couldn't see her at the cremation, and I don't want to look at a pile of ashes. I want to remember her the way she was, before all the bs.
I remember when my dad died I had a chance to view him before his cremation, I told them no, I wanted to remember him alive, not laying on a slab. I still don't regret it.
I don't know. That's just me though. I guess everbody is different.

I can totally understand all your feelings. I really am the same way in so much of what you said.

The only thing about picking up those ashes of Monkey...that is her ashes..and these places can only keep these so long or maybe even lose them. As much as you do not want to pick them up.....Monkey belongs at home...not at some strange place. Maybe it will help pick them up if you think of that. How would you feel if you did put it off and then when you were ready...for some reason, they were not there?

Pick them up and yes, put them away right now. You said you would feel bad if they were lost in the mail so I don't know how long they keep them where you made arrangements but you do not want them not to be there.

I only know that human creation like Neptune's Society by law had told me they could only hold ashes for I think it was 90 days so I had a deadline to make a decision. I don't know if animal cremation places also have a time limit but even though it is her ashes, that is Monkey and she needs to be home...I think thinking of it that way..your love of her will make sure she is in a safe place.

I hope this helps you decide the next time you go.

(I also want to remember mine as the last good memories..you have done more than I could).

Hugs

I've been in touch with the owner, she emails me from time to time to see how I'm doing, and she's never said anything about only keeping them for so long. I also got a pawprint and a fur clipping in a shadowbox, so they have that too. I don't know why I got it, i don't think I'll ever be able to look at it. Maybe I'll call them this week and see if they can just run the stuff out to my car, it's already paid for. I just don't want to walk into that place, it's like a pet funeral home. I think it will just be a sad place to go into.

Sounds like a good idea to me. That way she won't be where she doesn't belong....she will be at home. Since you know the owner, I don't see why it can't be arranged to just bring everything out to you.

I don't know if that fur clipping is in the open to touch. From my 3 furbabies, I took from a hairbrush some fur and put it in a ziplock bag with a favorite toy, usually a small ball, and I put my 3 small bags in the bottom drawer of my dresser. Once in a great while when I really want to touch them physically, I take the fur and just move it back and forth between my fingers. My first twin boy left in 2002, the girl in 2006 and my last twin boy, Little Guy, in Sept of 2007 and I was surprised to find that all of these furs, including the oldest of 2002 feel just as soft today as they did then and by keeping them, I really am able to touch something physical that belonged to them only. You may find some comfort in Monkey's fur clipping someday and be glad you have it. Sometimes we can find some comfort in the smallest thing.

Before you go, you might plan where everything will be stored so when you get home....you will know just where to place these memories of her. I think you will find some comfort knowing that you brought her home which is where she should be. Then you do not have to "fight" yourself to go where she is now and get her...anymore. The circle will be complete.

I am so much of what you said in your last paragraph about not being in the room, etc etc. Sounds just like me and I wish I were otherwise but I care too much and my emotions just don't me to do everything like others can do. So yes, I do understand where you are coming from but I also know I would want my baby home...and not with strangers, as nice as they are.

Hugs and if I could be there to help you do it, I would. Hoping to see your update that Monkey is home.

I'm sure that somebody there would be more than willing to bring your precious belongings out to your car for you. Though you may not see yourself ever looking at Monkey's mementos now............one day you just might change your mind. At least you will know you have them put them somewhere safe whether in your view or safely hidden.

Many thoughts of comfort for you,
Beth

Well, the lady from Pet Angel called and said something about wanting to make arrangements to get Monkey's things home. I sent her an email asking if they would be able to run them out to my car when I show up, haven't heard back from her yet, probably because of the holiday.
I guess I can't put it off any longer.

Yes, it's time. I hope you hear about your email soon else you might think about phoning the lady you have met and have your cell phone with you so when you drive into the parking lot, you can call on your phone and say you are right outside the door..for someone to bring your things out to you.

You are not alone doing this, you know...cause Monkey is right beside you...after all, she has a vested interest in what is going on right now...she wants to be completely home herself, I am sure.

You will be relieved when it is done and everything about her is safe with you at home.

Hugs to you and Monkey

My dog Pepper was killed by an incompetent vet.

A good Vet realizes that these are our children.

All vets need to read what you have written above, and think very hard about the client's feelings.

And worry.

I have a temper also about these things, also.
I did not take direct action against the above, except to make certain no one used his practice.

The place is closed.

After all, we have recourse if a quack kills a family member.
Consider that in any other field, a professional assumes liability and responsibility and accountability. If a Professional Engineer signs off on the design of a bridge, and it collapses, that's the end of him. If a pilot flies into a school, his estate is cleaned out. If a ship's captain is drunk on the bridge, he's finished.

What did you do to make certain no one used his practice?

I wish I could do something like that. The only thing I've done was go to a website that has reviews of vets and put a bad comment on there.
I could only find 1 website like that though.
If I ever win the lottery I'm going to make that guys life hell, he'd spend the rest of his days being sued and harassed by me.
Not much chance that's going to happen though.

Well, here it is!! Thanksgiving Day sometime in the late '90s. It was just me and the kitties that year, so I made my first ever Thanksgiving dinner and gave each of them their own plate with all the trimmings. Pretty funny huh?
Front to back is: Monkey, Mommy, Buddy and Ashley.
Oh, forgot to mention, those are plates with turkey, corn, mashed potatoes and stuffing. There might be some gravy on there too.


Click to view attachment

OMIGOD......How precious! Looks like my Little Girl.....4 times over!

Were they hard to tell apart? My Little Guy and his brother Keeper were twins and it was hard to tell them apart from a distance.
My Little Girl, as you have seen, looks like your Monkey...mine did not have a twin.

But your picture looks like.....look-a-likes!

How great you found that. My 3 were born in 1991 so it is close to your picture date too.

I guess it must be the picture, but they are all very different looking. Monkey is all black, Ashley is gray, and Mommy and Buddy are tuxedo.

It's not the best pic, I know, but I'm so glad I took it!! I was never much of a picture taking kind of person(regrets).

There are better pics on Monkey's website of all the kids too, much easier to tell them apart there.

Here's a funny picture I took about 10 years ago or so.
I came home one day and what did I find...poop. Smiley face poo to be exact, at least that's what it made me think of.
I thought it was so funny though, I had to take a picture of it.
My girlfriend at the time was like "you did that on purpose, you're sick". Oh, I meant ex-girlfriend.
No I didn't do it on purpose, I have better things to do.
Hey, think this would make a cool avatar?
Click to view attachment

It IS hard to believe Monkey did that "arranging" but we will take your word for it

It is pictures like these there just can't be two of a kind...which means they are priceless.

Poop for an avatar?

I'd rather see what you already have...a black cat...if you change it at all...I hope it will be of Monkey cause she is very beautiful and I know I never get tired of looking at black cats, especially looking into their eyes. They always have the most intent look.

Were you SERIOUSLY considering poop for an avatar?

Take Care...you have given me my laugh today which I try to do when I log out.

hi, Monkey`s dad
i followed your story
when my cat Felice died, i got her back in a little chocolate-box.
i was very much upset and i did hide the box somewhere and could not open it for about 6 months.
my heart pounded so loud when i opened the box the first time...
it is still very hard to deal with, Felice`s box is not in my living-or bedroom, still resting somewhere in my apartement,
a little bag of white sand, not my Felice, but do we have another chance ?
so, my advice, get her home, before it is too late.
love your Monkey-girl
Eva

I'm pretty sure it wasn't Monkey, she was always real good about using the litter box.

I think Ashley was the culprit, she's not so good about using the litter box.

That pic is from the old condo and Ashley did a number on the carpets there, she's better now at the new place but...not perfect.

Well, I did it. I finally picked up Monkey's cremains. It only took me 4 1/2 months to get up the nerve to do it.

I've got them put up in her room in a closet. I can't see ever wanting to look at them for any reason, I like to remember her the way she was.

Someday I hope my ashes get mixed with hers, and the rest of the kitty tribe.

Aint life grand?

It's been 5 months today that I had to let you go Monkey.
Lord knows I would have done anything or given anything to have made you well again, but that was beyond my control.
As hard as this has been, I wouldn't hesitate to do it all over again.
You were the sweetest cat I had ever known.
Loving you more than ever,
Daddy

Sorry...these kinds of "anniversaries" are for the pits. I missed your other post about getting Monkey's ashes home. I am glad she is home.

About mixing ashes...my parents had the ashes of their pets saved. They had joined the Neptune's Society which will scatter ashes at sea. When my parents passed away, the Society asked me if I would like the pets ashes to be scattered at the same time in the same place...no extra charges. It was a nice offer and I thought my parents would have liked that. It was a good idea and I said yes. So there is something to be said about...mixing ashes.

My anniversary comes up in September....I think the first year is so much harder because one always knows that "last year at this time they were with us"....until the anniversary.

Hugs....today and everyday

Ahh, the old "this time last year" thing.
This time last year...we just moved into a new house
This time last year...I was oblivious to the coming sadness.
This time last year...I didn't have a care in the world.
This time last year...Monkey was still with me.

Coming up in September with be the "this time last year" that I found out she had cancer.
So September is going to suck for me too.

Speaking of spreading ashes at sea...
When my dad died he said in his Will that he didn't care what we did with the ashes. I looked into his service in the Navy and found out that they will do a full honors burial at sea, (21 gun salute and all!!) for anyone who served and was honorably discharged.
So thats what I did for him.
They film it and give you a DVD of the ceremony and a map with the exact latitude, longitude that the ceremony took place. Pretty cool.
I love you Monkey and Pop, miss you both.

What a great thing to do for your Dad...21 gun salute and all......AWESOME. I am always glad to hear the government willing to do something extra for serviceman. They are really extra special.


Well, I see we will both be glad when past September. My boy started eating trouble once in July, some in August but then we found a painful dental lesion in August so he had dental surgery about the 15th and within 10 days he was jumping from the floor to the top of the couch and eating much better. Then his major emergency came out of the blue on Sept 10. Talking about going from one extreme to the other. We were hoping it was not cancer as signs were pointing to it and his twin has passed in 2002 because of it, and so after the painful dental condition was taken care of...we were cautiously starting to hope he was going to be okay. Well, it didn't turn out as we hoped.


Monkey looks so much like my Little Girl..she was the short-haired one, very vocal. So my trio with her and her two longhaired brothers filled our home with happiness too...like Monkey with you.

They may be all angels now but I sure wish they were back with us instead...healthy again...with lots of time to spend with us.
Just a fantasy I think about from time to time.

Hugs to you and Monkey. Her tribute is beautiful and so is she.

Judy

Haven't posted in a while and just wanted to say how much I love you and miss you sweety. I miss my old life with you. Life was much simpler when you were here, now everything has changed. Hard as it's been, I would do it over in a heartbeat though.

Love, Daddy.




Well, I still haven't unpacked after over a year in the new house. I just can't get used to the new place and have no desire to "move in" any more. I got mad about the water pressure one day when I was taking a shower and kicked a hole in the fiberglass bath enclosure. That was probably about a fifteen hundred dollar kick. Oh well, I don't care. Good thing I have a second bath. I remember last year cleaning the walls if there was even the slightest smudge on the new paint, now I don't give a crap. Today I ripped a door off of one of the oak cabinets, probably shouldn't have done that either. I don't care about those things though.

You know what, I think I might be a little pissed off at life.

Don't worry, the other kitties weren't around to see me do it.

Finally decided to write down a few of the dreams I had about Monkey. I wish I would have done it at the time I had them because I can't remember them all now. Didn't think I'd be having so many though.

Here's what I can remember:

You were sitting in the middle of an empty room looking at me as I walked around you from right to left and your eyes followed me. You looked healthy and content. (Had this one within days of her passing. It's strange, I had the EXACT same dream about my dad within a week of his passing.)

I awoke to look up (actually just dreamt that I woke up) and you were right up to my face looking at me and your pink tongue came out and licked your nose. That’s all.

I think there was another where there was a close up of your face and you were just watching me as I slept.

I had a couple dreams not related to you where I’d be doing something in the dream or going somewhere and all of a sudden you were walking around following me or underfoot, (you know how cats try to trip you up it seems sometimes?) Kind of funny because the dreams weren’t about you but you ended up in the dream somehow.

The dream where you were licking my face. (a month ago)

The one where all I remember is you laying on your back and I was rubbing your tummy. (a couple weeks ago)

I vaguely remember a few others, a couple you were limping in and one that was disturbing. I try not to remember those.


Well hopefully there will be more. I'm going to start recording them right away from now on.

I miss you Monkey. Love you now and forever.