Hello - I'm new here and so glad I found this site. I suppose I'm just looking for some shoulders to cry on. My beloved cat Friday died Monday morning, completely unexpected, and the pain I've felt since has at times been unbearable. I got up at 4 a.m. to feed my 3 month old. On my way to the kitchen in the dark, I saw a shadow laying on the rug. I turned on a light and saw that it was her laying there. I gave the baby to my husband who had gotten out of bed to go to the bathroom and saw that her paw was limp and she was making an occasional grunting noise. I thought she had maybe hurt her paw and was in pain, so I picked her up and carried her to her basket in the living room. I stayed up with her - my husband fed the baby and they went back to bed. After awhile, she seemed restless, so I sat down with her beside her basket. I live in a small rural area and there are no emergency clinics closer than an hour 15 mins. away, so I kept reassuring her that as soon as the vet opened, we would be there. I tried to comfort her but to no avail. She began meowing and became more restless, then she got up and started behind the TV. I motioned for her to return to the basket, and she did for a second but then started on her way back to the kitchen. She was panting and her pupils were very dilated, so I knew something was going terribly wrong. She hobbled because of her paw, and then she stumbled and her tail began to poof out. I slowly followed behind her. She was going to one of the kitchen chairs, where she had been sleeping her last 3 or 4 days. She tried to hop up on the chair but fell very hard on her side and lay there with her mouth wide open, panting, struggling for breath. I wanted to remain calm - I knew this would be best, but instead I panicked and ran to get my husband. By the time we got back to her, we saw her take her last breath and settle. I've been so upset since. I keep seeing this over and over in my head. She seemed just fine the day before except for some rapid weight loss that I was thinking about taking her to the vet for soon. She was almost 15, and I had been suspecting she had congestive heart failure (she had had a heart murmur for years), but I didn't know for sure. 2 months ago she was having some panting/heavy breathing spells that I took her to the vet for. He said he had been seeing this a lot lately and it was allergies. I gave her the medicine for it for awhile, and I didn't see her have anymore spells, so I assumed he was right. Now I feel that perhaps I was right, and I feel guilty that I didn't INSIST that her heart be checked. There's medicine for this - she might have had another year or 2 if only I had done more. Or maybe she sensed my worry and it upset her and overworked her heart. I don't know. I have no one to talk to about it. My mom and husband both think I should be over it, but how can I be?? She was my constant companion for nearly 15 years. She's all I've known since I graduated from high school. She was always there, and now she's not. I miss so much about her, and there are traces of her yet in the house - hairs, broken-off claws, paw prints on the furniture... How am I supposed to clean when this is all I have left of her physically?? I want to keep everything. I can see her grave under our dogwood tree out nearly every window of the rooms at the back of our house. How do you get through the pain?? The emptiness?? I have 3 other cats, but I don't have the bond with them that I had with her. We had 13 years alone together before the others came around. One is only a month old, and he reminds me so much of her when she was little, and is also black as she was, so sometimes out of the corner of my eye I catch myself thinking it's her. I've been having a hard time eating or sleeping - when I try to sleep, I think and remember. I dread trying to get through each day now. She was my precious baby.

Hi Andrea. I am so so sorry for the loss of your beloved cat, Friday. I'm Arnold's mom, and he just died last Sunday. I'm so glad you found this site. It has helped me through so much pain this week. I spent this last week doing much the same as you - wondering why I didn't do it differently, better, quicker - whatever, because if I had - well, maybe we could have saved Arnold. The people at this site have helped me to see that I made the best decisions I could have made at the time, knowing what I knew, and that everything I did was made out of love for my little babe. I know that is true for you as well. Do a lot of reading and writing on this site. Read other people's stories. Write whenever you need to. Write whatever you need to. The people here really really understand; this is a great place for you to be right now.

This is my first weekend without Arnold and I was actually feeling sick to my stomach this morning thinking about going home from work and not having him there. I purposely schedule dinner out with my S.O. and some shopping to shake up our routine a bit and get us out of the house. I understand what you are feeling for your Friday. Don't worry about people telling you you should be over it by now (sheesh!). Take your time, feel what you have to feel, and keep coming back her. It is truly a place of solace.

My heart goes out to you, Andrea.

Dearest Andrea:

Please know that you have a lot of support at this site.....

I'm Denise (Muffins), and I feel horrible for what you had to witness, with your beloved Friday....

I'm in agreement with Arnold's mom, with regard to people telling you that "you should be over this by now"!!!!!
NO, THERE'S NO WAY THAT YOU COULD BE OVER THIS RIGHT NOW.......... HEALING TAKES TIME.....
SOME PEOPLE MIGHT THINK, "OH, SHE WAS JUST A CAT!!!!!"

Sometimes, "our personal loved ones", are in pain too, but they don't know how to show it.....other than,
"pretending "THE PAIN" is not there..."

No, sorry.............you should not be over this by now..... I have heard it said that, "FOR EVERY YEAR THAT
YOU HAVE OWNED YOUR FUR-BABY, IT TAKES ONE MONTH "TO GET OVER IT, FOR EACH YEAR.....

Please, try not to think that "You didn't do enough", or "Why didn't I', or the "I should have's............."
BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY, WE HAVE ALL DONE THAT TO OURSELVES, and really, we just rip our hearts out.....

And, I am sorry for "that last vision that is etched into your brain"......... However our fur-babies have passed on,
we ALL HAVE THAT LAST VISION......

Please, consider yourself ((((((((((HUGGED BY ME))))))))))....... AND, EVERYONE ELSE ON LIGHTNING-STRIKE!!!
WE ARE ALL HERE FOR YOU, AND WE ALWAYS WILL BE, MY DEAR NEW FRIEND, ANDREA!!

We ALL, as human beings, NEED COMFORT...... I do not have any human children, (I'm 43 years old), but I see that
you have a sweet little 3 month old...... GOD BLESS YOU!!! Babies are precious!!

I think we all get to know our "furkids" quite well..........and, at the age of 15, if you thought your furbaby had CHF,
perhaps she did.
But, it would be difficult to determine, for sure...because I know that a lot of cats have heart murmurs.

With all the traces of your furbaby that you have in your house, a lot of us have put hair, nails, etc., away
in a plastic bag..... And, we keep them. Ernestine had a brush "loaded" with hair....
I decided to use that on our two new furkids...(Lucy is 6 and Mr. Yoster is 7) .....

But, Ernestine also had two "beanie babies" that have stayed in her daddies drawer; they were taken out for a couple
of days, not long ago, when our Lucy was terribly ill.

It takes A LONG TIME TO GET THROUGH THE PAIN.....

Somedays, all you can do is cry.... And then, you'll find that on somedays, you'll be smiling over some of your wonderful
memories that you have of your girl, Friday.
It really is amazing......The healing part....

Please, know that it is okay to cry, my friend.
The crying will stop ---- These tears that are falling from your eyes??? THE ARE HEALING TEARS......
REALLY, THEY WILL HELP YOU TO GET BETTER.

I'll bet that Friday absolutely hated it when you were sad........ Did she "ALWAYS KNOW WHEN YOU WERE SAD"????
Well, Friday doesn't want you to be sad now.....

She is at Rainbow's Bridge, with soooooo many new friends now.... And, she is in NO DISTRESS AT ALL - NO PAIN AT ALL!

That, you must believe...... No suffering and positively, NO PAIN!!!!
Just 100% BLISS...........(Like "LittleGirl'sMommy" (Kathy), says all the time - along with lots of other great things!!!)

Tomorrow, it will be 6 months since our Ernestine has gone to the Bridge.....She was my best girlfriend from ages
23 - 43!!! I'll always love her.........and, one day, we will be together again, for all eternity...

You've got a little kitty that's one month old???? And, that kitty is a lot like Friday?? That's sweet.
I really used to "see" Ernestine out of the corner of my eye, for about one month after she was gone.....
I swear it was her!!!!

Please, YOU NEED TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, FOR YOU AND YOUR HUMAN LITTLE BABY.....
YOU NEED TO EAT.....
IF YOU AREN'T TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF.....THEN HOW CAN YOU BE THERE FOR OTHERS????

Lean on us, lean on this site, lean on me....Really.... I care about you!!!!
You need to at least eat, and keep your strength up............
I know that "you don't feel like it", but you really need to!!!!

If you haven't already, please, start reading some of our posts, from beginning to the most recent....
That way, YOU'LL BE ABLE TO SEE HOW WE ALL GOT THROUGH THIS.....SOME OF US ARE JUST GETTING THROUGH IT

But, you'll see "how we do it", and you'll see how your path will probably go...

Please, keep in touch........keep writing......and, keep reading...

You will get through this!!!

((((((((((((((((((((Goodnight &God Bless you!!))))))))))))))))))))

Love, Denise

Andrea, I'm so sorry about the loss of your sweet Friday!! I know you are SO heart-broken right now that it must be impossible to imagine feeling happy again. ...You will, but it takes time and lots of support.

Friday was very lucky to have lived her earthly life with such a special Mom. And when it was her time for her body to pass on, she was even lucky enough to have you there with her. It sounds as though she had a very natural death, with very little suffering (and no traumatic trips to the vet/IV's/long stays at the vet/etc., as is common especially in older pets toward the end of their lives).

When you attempted to comfort Friday early that morning, you did.[I] She knew you were there and she felt your love.

In the realm she's in now, she's in pure bliss and she's still with you (just not physically); there are no time or space boundaries, as we are confined by.

Guilt seems to go along with grief, regardless of the cir%%stances. On this site there's an excellent article on dealing with the guilt we feel (things we [I]should have done or said, things we shouldn't have done or said, etc. You are human, and it would have been impossible for you to have thought of the medicines she might have taken to potentially prolong her life. You are not a vet; your intentions were perfect.

I'm glad you found this site. You are going through a major grief---one of the worst types of grief (I've heard that pet-loss grief is particularly traumatic because society as a rule doesn't recognize it as deserving of the long-term support that other bereavement receives, so we are often considered "weak" or just "weird". Also, our pets are our kids; they are the center of our daily lives and now there is such a huge huge void).

Everyone's grief process is unique, but it definitely takes time. Try and be gentle with yourself and do what [/I]you need to do to get through this. When I lost my sweet Little Girl on March 24, all I could do was stay in bed on my computer (I stayed on this site and another grief-support site), watch Lifetime movies, and sleep. I avoided talking with anyone who wouldn't totally understand.... I've heard other people on this site say that the best thing for them was to work a lot. That wouldn't have worked for me, but we're all so different.... But, we're all similar in the sense that we're going through an excruciatingly painful heartache. Whatever helps you through your[I] process of healing, just try to stay in tune with this process and not feel pressured by others to "get over" this loss.

When it's your time, you and your Friday will be fully reunited. In the meantime, she's fine.

Sending prayers and support,

Kathy

p.s. Keep in touch!

...I just read what Denise (Muffins) and Arnold's Mom wrote, and it warmed my heart. There's a lot of love coming your way!!

Hi Andrea,
I am so sorry that you had to come to this place!
On the other hand, I am happy you found us--because we know how you are feeling right now, most assuredly.

The whole time I was reading your story my heart was breaking because I was thinking of my elderly little ol kitty (and I really don't know how old he is, but I know he is up there in years) --I was imagining going through what you went through and it must have been so painful for you!!

My younger kitty (in my avatar) is the reason I am here . In one terrible split second (also burned into my memory) my significant other hit Ginger in our own driveway with our own truck. Ginger ran off but we found him and we took him right away to an emergency vet. He lived after surgery for a week in the emergency vet facility and then he died. I was on a roller coaster for an entire week because each day that went by I would think he was going to live, and then think he's going to die ...back and forth back and forth...and the people here were with me every step of the way. You could not find a more caring bunch of people anywhere. I bet you can imagine how guilty I felt--we ran over our own cat in our own driveway! Because of the time I have spent here writing and reading and thinking and sharing I was able to get through one the the worst things that has ever happened in my entire life.

I have learned alot over the last couple of months. First and foremost I have learned that there is NO cir%%stance where you would lose Friday when you would have been satisfied. NONE. If you had to make the decision to have him euthanized (as many people have had to do) you would have been crushed! If he had gone in the middle of the night and you hadn't been there, you would have been crushed! if you had lost him a year earlier or a year later, you would have been crushed! If you get what I am saying---no matter how Friday died you would have still gone through this deep sadness. AND you would have felt guilty no matter how the end came also! The reason for that is that you were Friday's constant "caregiver" and you provided (and controlled) everything for him. It is logical that you would even want to "control" how and when he died --except none of us are capable of that. It is illogical, of course, but because of all the years of dutifully taking care of Friday you wanted to even make his passing controllable.

I do take some comfort in thinking that I did the best I could and with time you will see that you did too. Your Friday knows that you loved him --you who did so much for him! He is at the rainbow bridge now with all our pets. He is young and playful and perfect and waiting for the day when he will be reunited with you. You are among friends here. You don't have to pretend to be "over it" here. None of us are "over it" --all we really do is accept it in increments. You were a wonderful mommy to your Friday. I can tell you love him with all your heart. He loves you back. He is no longer physically here, but he still loves you. Nothing can change that.
thinking of you {{{{{{{{{{Andrea!!}}}}}}}}}}!
Patti
P.S. It is so normal to want to keep fur and such..we all do that..! I kept my Ginger's blanket. It is on a shelf near where he slept. I have a small book that is open to this page.

Oh Andrea, my heart goes out to you.

I can't really add much more to what has already been said so eloquently. Read the posts, no matter how it happened we ALL without fail go through these overpowering feelings of guilt. We all feel we didn't do enough and that if we could go back in time, we would have done something different. If you did go back in time, you'd still be the same person you were that day, you'd have no hindsight of what was about to come - none of us do. We do what we think is right at the time. We act in good faith and do what we think is best at that moment.

You were with Friday when she passed away. You were there with her to comfort her the best way you could. She wouldn't have asked any more of you.

You'll never know for sure whether she had congestive heart failure. You'll never know whether if you'd taken her to the vets she would have recovered for a little while. You'll never know whether she would have died at the vets, perhaps without you there beside him. When I read the page from gingerspal's book, I shed it tear. It's very true.

Here you will find people who understand you can't just 'get over it' like that. We understand how precious she was to you and how you can't devalue her life by comparing it to that of a human being.

It's the extent of the love that matters, not the species that we give our love to. Even an inanimate object can be loved - remember how you felt about your teddy bear when you were a child?

We can't change the past, only the future. Although I am still very raw myself right now, it's a wee bit better than it was and it will get better for you too.

Take care

Andrea,
I am so sorry about Friday. I understand, we all do here, how your heart aches and how you wish there was something else you could have done. Thank goodness you were there with Friday and sat with him, reassured him and certainly comforted him. Friday KNEW you were there and that you wanted to help. Of course, you did help just by being there with him.

It's just so sad that you have to relive it all in your mind. I think, with time, that memory will at least diminish. It will take time though, maybe a long time, and I don't know about you, but I am so impatient, and after almost 4 months now, I am so tired of hurting so much and missing her so. At first, I was so tired of coming home and having no little Hannah here. But, contrary to what your family and possibly others have told you, we cannot stop the pain, the ache, the longing. You practically grew up with Friday, and I'm sure he was there for you when no one else was. We do ultimately have the choice about what we will remember and how we will remember our babies, but like everyone said, this guilt is so much a part of what we all experience. I don't think there's any way around that.

As Ruth said:
"You'll never know for sure whether she had congestive heart failure. You'll never know whether if you'd taken her to the vets she would have recovered for a little while. You'll never know whether she would have died at the vets, perhaps without you there beside him."

And as Patti (Gingerspal) said:
"First and foremost I have learned that there is NO cir%%stance where you would lose Friday when you would have been satisfied. NONE. If you had to make the decision to have him euthanized (as many people have had to do) you would have been crushed! If he had gone in the middle of the night and you hadn't been there, you would have been crushed! if you had lost him a year earlier or a year later, you would have been crushed! If you get what I am saying---no matter how Friday died you would have still gone through this deep sadness. AND you would have felt guilty no matter how the end came also! "

I could not say it better than they and the others here have. My little Hannah had a heart murmur, which one vet diagnosed almost two years ago in July. He never said there was any medicine to treat it. She had been seeing another vet for the last two years, and he didn't either. I blame myself because I just ASSUMED because they didn't say there was anything I could do, there was no treatment. When I found out that it could have been treated, I was absolutely overwhelmed with guilt! I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN, I SHOULD HAVE CHECKED IT OUT BEFORE! But now, I am beginning to understand that some of the medicine might have helped, but maybe not. Also, I don't know what the side effects would have been. It's possible I could have lost her even sooner if I had her treated. I just DON'T KNOW, and I CANNOT KNOW, so I go on with my life and try to forgive myself and try to stop tormenting myself over things I can't change.

Please keep coming to this site. You have many caring friends here and, as I see today, have already received some extremely helpful, understanding replies. It IS going to take some time. Don't ever let anyone tell you that you're wrong for feeling the way you do. You are not. It's absolutely 100% normal. You loved Friday for a very long time, and he loved you. He was your constant companion. I just don't understand why so many people don't "get it."

Do take care of yourself.
Marcia

Dear Andrea,

I too am sorry for your loss of Friday. I don't know that I can add anything new to give you solace. I agree with another writer on this web page that there is no cir%%stance in which you would be satisfied about Friday's loss. You did your best for Friday. Please feel good about that. When your grief is lessened you will think of the delight and happiness that Friday brouth into your life. And you made Friday's life happy and delightful.

Michael