Last Friday I picked up two kittens. I got them from the same shelter that I adopted Purdy from. I thought it would help, but instead I can't stop crying because I keep thinking about when I took Purdy home. It is so unfair that she is not here with me.

The kittens are being well cared for, but I don't love them. I loved Purdy from the very beginning and don't feel like that this time. I want my baby back. Its been six weeks now and I still feel dead inside. I don't understand why she was taken from me. We should have had years together.

I feel bad that I can't bond with the kittens. What is wrong with me?? All I can think of is my Purdy. Everybody in my life thinks I should be over it by now. I have only just gone back to work, and can barely make it through the day without crying. The second I get home I break down.

I keep dreaming that she has gone missing, and i'm looking for her. When I wake up in the middle of the night I just lie there and cry. The other night I woke up half asleep and turned around looking for her. Then the pain hits me again.

She was my pet, we only had each other. I have nobody to share my grief or memories with. Life without her is unbearable.

It is so hard to find a way back to happiness after losing such a love as Purdy was to you. The absence of their physical being is something I have never gotten over and never will. How could I ever not miss Goliath? He was full of so much love and gave me every bit of it so unselfishly. Our special connection was like no other in my lifetime.

When people told me to get another puppy right away, I just couldn't. Just thinking about it made me feel like I was betraying my love for Goliath. One day I realized that Goliath would want me to continue sharing the profound love I had for him with others who needed love too. Otherwise, our love together would have been in vain. I had to let go of the pain and agonizing grief I was feeling over his death in order for me to become able to find the joy in the memories we made together while he was here.

Goliath is alive and well in my heart and always will be. It is my token of love for him that I share all he taught me about what a true loving relationship is all about. Once I was able to accept his death another door of opportunity opened for me. On the other side of that door was hope, faith, inspiration, and a will to find a way back to a healthier and happier life.

Coming to this forum and sharing with others my sorrows as well as my joys gave me a place to begin my journey of healing. Through all the exchanges made with others and sharing in their losses helped heal my broken heart.

When I first found this wonderful place on January 10th of this year, I felt much like you. I felt empty and alone with no purpose in life. It took time and alot of tears as well as spending hours of time daily with the others who were hurting here every bit as much as I was. We are all in this together and are not alone. You are not alone either because you have us.

Purdy will always be your special love and there can never be another one like him. Each new addition brought into a household is unique. No two are alike. But there is much to love about any of these wonderful little critters who find their way to us.

Give yourself time with your new kittens. They each have their own little personalities and will work their way into your heart. As you begin to accept Purdy's death, the love and joy you have for him will shine upon those kittyloves and all others around you.

May you be blessed in ever having had the honor of knowing and sharing in such a loving relationship as you had with Purdy. Share your joys and happy memories of the great times you and he shared together. By giving love, you will receive love in return. Those kittens are bundles of love just waiting to be loved. Open up your heart and share that love you have for Purdy with them.

Each person is different when it comes to bringing new pets into their family. Some can do it very quickly....others take months or years, while many never chance another heartbreak again. For me, it was worth all the pain of having had to let go of Goliath because without the time we had together I would have missed out in so much in my life. Because of Goliath he made me want to be a better me. It took me over 6 months after Goliath passed away before I could bring a new addition into our home and hearts. I am thankful to say that Goliath's baby brother Browser has brought us much joy and laughter as well as a very recent scare when he went missing.

There is a plan for all of us. Keep coming here and you will find encouragment, compassion, and understanding. There is a magnificent journey ahead of you in this lifetime. Each day comes one at a time. Make today the very best kind of day you can...... for tomorrow it will be but another memory.

Hugs of comfort to you my hurting friend. I wish you happiness and joy in all your days.

I understand your pain, losing such a wonderful pet who gave you such unconditional love for so long is a hard thing to take. How do you continue on with that hole in your heart? How do you make it thru each day without that unwavering unconditional love that Purdy showered upon you? I know the pain all too well, my little Kotaman just died a few days ago, the pain is all too fresh to me, I can't seem to do anything without being reminded of him, I find the most random things cause me to burst into tears. His most valued trait was the ability to sense when I was not feeling well and go out of his way to try and make me feel better, and not having that now is torture.

With time things will get better, the pain will slowly fade to happiness in remembering the wonderful times you spent with your Purdy. As the post above me said, give the new kittens time, they will show their personalities to you and you will find that the lessons Purdy taught you will help you find love for the new babies in your home. I hope you find comfort in knowing that others here understand and share your pain. You are not alone my friend.

You said: It is so unfair that she is not here with me.

The kittens are being well cared for, but I don't love them. I loved Purdy from the very beginning and don't feel like that this time. I want my baby back. Its been six weeks now and I still feel dead inside. I don't understand why she was taken from me. We should have had years together.

I feel bad that I can't bond with the kittens. What is wrong with me?? All I can think of is my Purdy. Everybody in my life thinks I should be over it by now.

Lynsey: You do understand why she was taken..your first sentence has the answer.. Life is not fair...that is a fact we deal with. That is something we can't change. You don't feel you love the kittens right now but you will. All you have to do is open your heart up to them....they need you now..very much. Who's to love them if not you? You say you don't feel the love from the beginning like with Purdy. Well, I assume when you got Purdy you hadn't just lost the love of your life...which is what has happened this time. Yes, you should have had years together but that assumes that Life will be fair. Purdy is an absolute beautiful baby and I am sorry that life was so cruel to both of you but as you can see...this forum is filled with other beautiful babies whose moms and dads are just as devastated as you are...so life can be cruel to many people at the same time.

What helps me is the thought that when it is time for us to lose these precious gifts...we cannot stop it. We have no control over what happens..all we can do is deal with what we are left with...beautiful memories of a special baby and overwhelming, devastating pain.
But over time, it is physically exhausting to allow the pain to take over our days and nights. That, I think, is when we start the beginning of acceptance that there is a loss that cannot be recovered. It will never be forgotten but it will never be recovered.

Now Purdy is an angel watching over you and the new kittens. One mom here wrote: The pain of losing her will never ever be greater than the joy of knowing her. How true is that? Knowing the ending always brings pain, I still would have accepted all my babies into my life for the joy of knowing them. And, if the first one hadn't passed away...I would never have known the next one and given her a home and received her unconditional love, and so on for each baby that has come and gone in my lifetime.
I think of it as a tribute to the one I lost that they taught me about loving these special babies and what unconditional love is like..the tribute is opening my heart and home to the next one who is sitting alone..not wanted...with love to give so badly.

You have made the next step of getting 2 beautiful babies who must be absolutely delighted to have a home. Hug them and tell them all about Purdy and let them know they had an adorable baby sister who is now an angel.

I also found that putting pictures of my last one, Little Guy, in each room helped me to feel his presence when I walk into a room.
Sometimes I can touch that face and cry but deep down I know crying doesn't help anymore. I can't bring him back but I can keep his memories alive and he will always be a part of me. I adopted a shelter kitty because I couldn't handle the empty home. His personality is very different from my Little Guy but he needed a home and he just loves people even though it seems he never had a real home. As far as rubbing against what he likes...people are one thing...then he rubs against the walls, the refrigerator, and he is a wonderful distraction from the pain that we all have deep inside that will never go away. What we have to force ourselves to learn is to accept what we cannot change and to be thankful we had these special ones in our lives at all. Each day we have them is a gift to us. I too have lost a very young one years ago and it never feels right when they go so young but again...it is not something we can control. We can only hope to have more good days than sad days and we have to work on ourselves to do that.

It does all take time. There is never a right time to be over anything. In fact, this is something that we never "get over". It is a part of us now and for all time...we will miss and love our babies forever. But they would never want us sad and so the best tribute can be to share our love with new ones who desperately need what we desperately want to give....only now it is their turn to receive it from us.

You also ended your post saying: I have nobody to share my grief or memories with.

That is not true. You are not alone. There are many people here who understand your grief and who know sharing memories is something we need to do to start healing. And remember, all thoughts and advice here is from the heart because we all share broken hearts and just try to help each other mend as best we can.

So keep posting your thoughts and read what others have gone through here also and how we all try to put our lives back together doing what feels right for each of us. There is a lot of sadness in this Pet Loss Section and we go to the Tributes section and to the New Beginnings section when we need help to smile. 6 weeks is very very recent and you are still fighting the pain that will overwhelm you each day...if you let it. It can take baby steps to push down that pain but knowing it came from something you absolutely cannot change..can help it become less and less. When you think of a sad moment, deliberately remind yourself of a good moment and you have to keep working at this until it becomes so natural you don't have to work to do it.

Just remember you now have these 2 precious ones who are looking around in wonderment at their new home and their new person and for them..this is just the best time of their tiny lives. Their love is wide open and they need you so very much. And, Purdy is looking down from Heaven knowing that if she can't be with you....at least you are not alone...and her unconditional love is glad you have picked up these 2 babies.

Take Care and I wish you peace and finding the love that is in you for these new ones. It is there, believe me.

im so sorry you are feeling this pain. i can relate. i lost my baby acorn almost a month ago and im depressed. little things that remind me of him make me burst into tears. i put on the happy face for others but when im alone i crumble. the day after i lost acorn to f.i.p. i woke staring at my cat flower standing on top of me and i thought it was acorn. reality hit. it hits me all the time. maybe you werent ready for a new kitten. no kitty will ever be the one you lost. im sure how special your new angel is, no other cat will ever come close.im sure your angel purdy would like it if you shared some of that big heart and love to a new little kitten just begging for it. they deserve that. purdy would want you to open your heart to others as u did for him. you were wrong when u said u had no one 2 share your grief or memories with, you have me and alot of others on here. they are helping me and we are all here for each other. my heart is with you.

with love corina and her angels

Lynsey,

I am so sorry for your loss, and the pain that you are going thru with your new kittens. It is very hard place to be in.
I lost my cat cheddar almost a year ago, and I just could'nt stand the emptyness, and we had another cat who was not handling being alone well. I made the decision to get a kitten a week after we lost our big guy. We brought our kitten home, and she was sweet and cute, adn well cared for. But I didnt love her. She was not cheddar, and i thought I had made a mistake. She was diffrent, and so hyper. I was still griving him, and she was a glaring reminder he was gone. It was very hard. I look back though and I don't regret it. It took me long time, but she and I have started a new relationship. The thing that really tripped me up was trying to live up to the idea that I had to love her. I felt pressure from with in myself that I had to love her instantly like I did cheddar. That I was a bad person if i wasnt compleatly head over heels in love with her. I tried to pretend, I even tried to find her a new home for a while. But then I found Lightning-Strike, and had the chance to greive for cheddar, and vent my frustrations, i was able to just admit, if to no one but myself that my kitten was making me crazy. I was able to read about others peoples experiences, and to hear that it's ok, it takes time, and you can't force it.
No one could ever take the place of Purdy, there will never be another pet you will love that way, when the time comes, you will love them, but it will be unique just as the love you had for Purdy. But it takes time. There is no set amount of time, for each of us it is different. Somedays will be easier than others. but it is important that you give yourself the time. Take care of them the best you can, and try to keep an open heart. I know that Purdy, wouldnt want you to shut your love away. She was with you and you both loved each other, tragicaly she is gone, but she knows you love her, and she wouldnt want you to stop loving because she is gone. We get them to love for a while, and they teach us to love while there here, but in my journey I have learned that they also teach us things after they are gone too. They teach us that love doesnt stop, and that it can be shared. Sharing it with new friends, does not lessen the love from before it magnifies it. Each time we open our selves to a new friend, it is a testimant to the loves that have come before. It would be very sad thing if we shut it away.
I hope that I have helped even a little.
My prayers, and thoughts are with you.
Please come and share, it helps.

Cheesy

p.s sorry for the bad spelling.

Lynsey, I am so sorry for your loss of Purdy. Losing a beloved fur child is one of the most paralyzing events we can experience in our lives. It is as devastating, if not more so, as losing a human loved one be they family or friends. I think one of the reasons why you're not bonding with the kittens is because you adopted too soon. It is clear that you are not ready yet to establish a new relationship with another fur child, and this is as difficult for the kittens, too, because they know you are not ready for them. The good news is that they are there for you to take care of, if only their physical needs at this time. Perhaps in time you will discover how they are helping you to grieve for your beloved Purdy by their offer of unconditional love to you now, and this will help you to eventually bond with them. Your bond with these new furkids will not be the same as it was with Purdy. Each relationship is unique because of the different personalities of your new fur companions. But please know you are not a "bad" person for trying to care for your new furkids and you're finding it difficult to do so. Your feelings of loss of Purdy are still very fresh, and it is going to take time for you to come through your grief journey. Crying is very healthy - - it helps the body to purge itself of the toxic chemicals that build up from the stress of grieving. I remember when I lost my number one kitty son, Eli, in December 2006 - - it was like a knife had been thrust into my heart. Losing Eli was not my first furchild loss experience, either. I could barely make it through the day at work - - thank goodness for the restroom where I go for some privacy to cry a little before going back to my desk. And then there was the driving to and from work - - tears. And the waking up in the middle of the night - - more tears. It was good that I had a job to go to during the day so that my other furkids didn't have to listen to mommy crying all the time. As you progress in your grief journey eventually you will be able to remember Purdy, and you'll be able to share your happy memories with your new furkids. Have you thought about doing a memorial for Purdy - - like a booklet or scrapbook,etc.? I did a memorial booklet for my Eli and made several copies to give to our vet and vet techs who tried so valiantly to help me give Eli a good quality of life during his battle with cancer. It took me six months to do the booklets, but it was very healing and the vets and vet techs really did appreciate the thoughtfulness as well. Lynsey, right now your grief journey does feel totally unbearable, but please know you are not alone, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings to you,

moon_beam