I can't even believe that I have to type this out. I lost my Oliver on Tues. (May 6, 2008) and I think I have died too. Friday he was fine and Tues. morning he was gone. I noticed some small brown crust that kept forming on his lip but I just got his teeth cleaned on March 31 and he seemed otherwise fine for a 12 year old cat. Vet says maybe bone cancer, definitely anemic and in renal and liver failure this weekend, but it was just so quick. I feel like I got robbed, WE got robbed. I miss him sooooo much, it feels like my chest has been spooned out with a giant melon baller and my arms physically ache to hold him. Sat. he was kind of hiding and walking just a little bit weird. I called the hospital and they said if he isn't in pain, try to hold off till Mon. since the bill would be astronomical. I got the carrier out just in case and Sun. at noon he crawled in it and howled twice. We were out the door right then. I visited him that night at the hospital for an hour and he seemed himself (nurse saw him laying with his legs out like sticks like he always did and said he was doing it out of his cage, even with his little IV) and I transferred him to the vet on Mon. morning (behind an ambulance, coincidentally.) They said he was blocked, put him under to insert a catherter and he never really recovered after that. I took him home that night to be with me just in case and tended to him all night, and he made it through. That next morning I just laid there face to face with him and told be how much I loved him and begged him to fight while he purred real faintly. He died pretty much right after I took him back to the vet's on Tues. morning and the crematory got him before I even got to say goodbye. I cry all the time, I think of all the things that he won't do anymore, no more treats or people food stalking, no more laying sprawled out on his back in the summer or laying on his belly with stick legs or head butts or putting a paw on me when we sat next to each other, the list goes on. I am drowning in utter despair. People say that he wouldn't want this, well I don't want him gone either so that makes two of us. When I don't cry, I lay there is silent horror at what has become my life. I can't eat, I wake up and cry throughout the night and sometimes I honestly think this has to be a huge nightmare because there's no way he could even possibly be gone. I have three others all the same age but I can barely stand to be at home right now, there is still evidence everywhere of our last night together that I can't bear to clean up so I sleep at friend/family houses. He was my first and loved me dearly. A few weeks ago we were sleeping (he slept with his head on my pillow next to me) and I woke up to find him studying my face with huge round people eyes and he looked so lovey and intelligent. I said "well, hi" and squeezed him but now I wonder if he knew then. My mom said he was just studying my face on Mon. night too. I have this insane urge to scream out to Heaven what I think of this and to go somewhere and tell someone in charge that there's been a mistake and I need my cat back. The world should stop turning and it fittingly has rained from Tues. on. Someone great left this earth and no one knows his loss more than me. I'm sure you all know EXACTLY how this feels and thanks for listening. It really is horrendous.

I'm so sorry about your Oliver!!! I've heard of cancer in cats being very bad and travels very fast.
It doesn't sound if he suffered, he seemed to suddenly just crash on you. Maybe when he was staring at your eyes he was just telling you in kitty language how much he loved you. In his way maybe he was trying to tell you not to be sad too long when he goes. I think animals know a lot more than people sometimes.
I'm so sorry for you loss. Let it out and just cry when you need to. But also remember your Oliver wouldn't want to see you in pain. In some way you have to cry it out enough to finally breath in a sigh, and when you let out, find a way to let him go. THEN, (I know because I've done it) you cry all over again, because you finally gathered enough courage to let him go.
For my dogs passing, I had to vent, and let it out, otherwise it felt like my head would explode. I cried. I got out pictures and cried some more. I called a friend, and cried some more. I took a walk, then a bubblebath, and cried some more. My ribs hurt, and I developed a cough, and physically got to a point where I couldn't cry anymore. The sobs would come, kinda like dry heaves, but my mouth was like cotton and I didn't make anymore tears. Just kinda dry sobbing, if that make sense.
Then, I napped. In one day I think I slept for 14 hours. Eventually, the cries got less, the sobs stopped, and I went out. The more I forced myself back into the "normal" routine of life, the better I was. If I had a day off work, staying home was the worst, it all kept coming back.
But time has helped. I won't say I'm over my boy, you never get over it, but like a horrible injury you do heal. Some scars are left, but the scars don't hurt so bad, everyone knows scars are just reminders of something painful that happened.
Take care, come here as much as you need, and vent, get it out.

Dear Oliver's Mama, I am very sorry to hear you have lost your Oliver. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I too know how you hurt and wish I could give you more than mere words. Coming here was a good thing to do, as everyone here will make sure you aren't alone, and for me that made all the difference in the world. The tears you cry are healing tears, despite how much you hurt. You will see him in the eyes of every kitty you look at and he will be in the purr of every kitty you pet, and at night his spirit will snuggle up close to you and you will feel peace. He will send you a rainbow to tell you he is safe.

I wish you well

mark

I am so very sorry about Oliver. You are right about the fact that we here do understand exactly how you feel. It sounds from what you wrote that everything happened so fast. When you are thinking good things and then the unexpected happens and it seems like everything goes completely the opposite way, it is devastating.

I had my Little Guy over 16 years. I was talking to his vet on Thursday about bringing him in on the following Tuesday and discuss how he was doing...then on Monday we went through a horrible experience...everything happened very fast and you feel when things do calm down you turn around and your special one is gone. Twice the devastation.

We vent, we cry until we are exhausted and then we cry some more. It may make things easier if everything does not stay as it was ...as a big reminder. Maybe you could ask your Mom or your friend to pack anything you want to save but don't want to look at right now. What helped me was to change the look of the rooms somehow so they looked a little different. I have put pictures of my Little Guy in each room so when I walk in...I can look at him and for a moment...savor a memory of him being there. Places where he liked to lay...well I put flower arrangements there instead so the spaces did not look empty.

You said you have 3 others. How are they doing? They know something happened. I know before I lost my last one and had one left...it helped me to hug him and talk to him...somehow that helped take away some of the emptiness.

And yes, we do feel as though the world should at least stop everything for a few minutes in respect..instead of everything going on as usual.

When we lose them..it is the worst time of all. When we feel overwhelmed by the pain it causes...sometimes thinking of things others have said can help.

One of the most meaningful things I have read here about a loss from a "mom" who was devastated was: The pain of losing him will never ever be greater than the joy of knowing him.

That's a powerful thought to hold onto. It takes time before we start allowing any healing to begin and during that time we are in terrible pain. Eventually we learn we should concentrate on the wonderful memories we have of our special ones. Each time the pain comes, we force our minds to remember a better time until the sad times aren't allowed to overwhelm us anymore.

Coming here and writing as you did was a very good thing to do. You might even want to write a letter to Oliver and talk to him about how you are feeling. Many of us do that many times.

Take care and know you are not alone in what you are going through. For many of us, it is like looking in a mirror. We learn how to survive and feel blessed we were given the gift of having these special ones in our life for the time given to us. We always want more time but we are not in charge of that part of life.

That pictures of Oliver as a kitten is absolutely beautiful! When you feel like it, you can write and tell us stories of Oliver so we see his personality through your eyes. One day you will find you may smile at so many memories and know you two were good together...only now he is residing in your heart and is a part of you that can never be taken away.

Like all stories here it is beautiful and heartbreaking. I liked what you said about "feeling scooped out". Those were words I did not find in March, but they fit too well. It just all seems wrong.
How is it that a creature so different from us by Evolution or Design (It does not matter for the purpose of the post), with a brain a fraction the size of ours, be so smart and such an important life partner to us? To become "promoted" to human by their closeness to us-Or how we are "promoted" to Honorary Cat?
After a special relationship with an animal I tend to look at a stray as a friend I have not met yet.
There is a post on here that has the topic "Do animals have souls?".
My special relationship began the day, after she was in the house for a year, she looked into my eyes..and someone was living in there! It was almost unsettling, and very strange. For one I did not try to &%^yze it, and accepted it, and there I was, with a Cat Wife. And she did look into me that awful day at the vet's. It looked like SHE felt sorry for ME!
That was two months ago. I have a new "applicant" who will try his best to fill the scooped out part. He will not, of course, but the trying will help. Maybe someday, he will grow into that special relationship, but I fear it will take some time, and probably years, if ever.
But she will never be replaced. They are all SUCH individuals, all so different, that I fear that was a once in a lifetime offer....
It slowly gets better, from a dagger thrust to a dull ache. But it's never gone. My wife has never been the same from the loss of her Aussie Terrier twenty years ago.
How can a nine pound* creature leave such a big hole?


*After her diet!

I am very sorry to hear of your loss of dear sweet Oliver. Thank you for sharing his picture with us. I hope that we can offer you some comfort and help you through the pain. Although our stories differ, we all know the pain of the loss of a fur baby. Grief is a cycle of life that is never easy....it takes time. Everyones time frame is different.

You were very fortunate to have Oliver for 12 yrs. But I can understand how you feel robbed. No matter how old our pets live...it's never enough time. They bring us so much joy that the time flies by so quickly.

I can relate to you mentioning it was difficult for you to be in your house. The night before I had my lab Lizzy put to sleep was a rough one. Even though she had cancer she was the strongest dog I ever met. But the cancer spread rapidly and my big girl got very weak. I thought I was prepared for the end...but I was a mess. We were very close and I always told people that Liz had a human inside of her. She understood me so well and comforted me through some difficult times in my life. My Dads passing, my divorce etc. She was only 9 1/2 and I kept asking God why. I tried to feel Lizzy's strength and draw from it. I still cried alot but knew Liz never liked it when I was upset or hurt. I began to go over the happy memories she left me with. I laughed and cried and the healing began. Three months later I adopted my new baby Mandy. She and my other lab Elly keep me going. I still talk to them about Liz and the silly things she did.

I believe you will be comforted by taking care of your other cats. They need you and you need them. Cry as much as you need as it is your bodies way of healing your mind. Try to be strong for your other cats. Although Oliver is not physically present, he will always hold a special place in your heart.

Your story of Oliver hit me right where it is still painful for me. When a loved pet passes away so quickly it is absolutely devastating and crippling. We are so used to having them around us in our everyday lives and then................the sickening feeling of an empty house. We still feel the emptiness even when there are other pets and family all around us.

Your choice of words in describing how you felt when Oliver died could have easily been written by me. I felt as though I died too when I held my Goliath in my arms and felt his life slip away. There wasn't anything I could do to save him. Each day after, I kept telling myself I had to have been in a horrible nightmare and prayed that I would wake up very soon. The panic, anxiety, loss of appetite, and uncontrolable tears threw me into such a deep depression. Although I existed I sure didn't feel at all like I was living.

We understand your pain and agony in having lost your sweet Oliver. His love for you and your love for him can never die though. A bonding love such as yours will stay with you and Oliver as you remain connected by your hearts now and forever.

May you find peace and comfort in this forum where you will find many people who truly understand and share in your pain. Coming here and exchanging our thoughts with each other helps us to find a way to acceptance and healing.

Bless you as you struggle to find some comfort and peace of mind.

Thank you all for your kind words during this terrible time. Yesterday I dug out all the photos I have of him and just loved him so hard while I looked through them. He was mama's baby and I miss him terribly. Mornings seem to be really hard. Just waking up knowing that another day is happening without him is so deflating.

The other cats seem to be ok, my Max has been very attentive and Lily let me cry for a minute the other day on her. Daphne even let me pick her up and kiss her which is rare. They know something is wrong, if only because "the affectionate female care-giver" wails alot. I love them all so much for their fabulous personalities but he loved me the most.



That hits home especially, my sister said that our relationship was very romantic. I used to joke that if he were human, we would be married. He always slept with his head on my pillow, including our little exchange a couple of weeks ago. Sometimes he would even have bed head. When we watched tv he would just put a paw out on my leg and leave it there. I really miss that awesome little stuff. He was fantastic.

dear olivers mama,
i am so sorry for you loss, my heart goes out to you.
i hope this site may find you some kind of comfort, as it's has been helpful to me.
there are alot of very caring and sicere people in here with alot of compassion and thoughtful words.
they all speak from their hearts and unfortunatly have gone through the same pain we are feeling.
hopefully soon we can start healing and feel the need to go on and share some more of our love with another special furry friend.
take care and your in my thoughts and prayer

The last picture you just posted of Oliver is just too beautiful for words. He looks so darn huggable.

I'm glad to hear you are sharing your grief with your other 3.....it helps when you can hug a furbaby even if it is not the one you just lost. And they feel and appreciate the attention..doesn't matter if it is crying or not....hugs just "speak" their own language.

I hope you will post more pictures of Oliver and even your others with him....it seems to help everyone to look at pictures of these sweet babies. They each have a charm of their own that comes through. Bless them all for we will love them forever and they will be a part of our hearts for eternity.

I picked up Oliver's ashes today. I wanted to have someone with me but thought that because he and I were the start of my family that it seemed right that I alone completed the task. I just held him to my heart and cried in the parking lot. I still miss him so unbelievably much. Sometimes I think I see him out of the corner of my eye. To say I have 3 instead of 4 seems so alien and he's always on my mind. I will ALWAYS love you Oliver, and I miss you more than mere words can say. Your absence is deafening.

That feeling of absence IS unbelievably deafening. I know it so very well. Even though I have two other little yippers here in our home who make lots of noise, one special unique sound is no longer heard. But, his presence is felt everywhere.

Though it was 6 months ago when Goliath passed away so suddenly, it seems like yesterday. My hubby and I were with him when he was cremated and I can remember holding his urn and hugging it so close to my body. A week or so after we had Goliath home, my hubby surprised me with a gold heart cylinder urn. Inside of it he had placed some of Goliath's remains. His heart was engraved with "Goliath" and had a paw print on it. This I wear on a gold chain around my neck and I never take it off. It helps me to feel closer to my Goliath and gives me great comfort.

May you be blessed in comfort just a little bit more now that you have Oliver home with you. In time you will remember the wonderful memories you and he made together and the sun will shine on your heart. The love you and he have is an everbinding love that will last forever.

Hugs of comfort and love are sent to your heart from mine.

Thank you for posting another precious picture of Oliver...it just feels good inside to look at these beautiful babies. I hope you have his pictures all over so you can look at him whenever you walk into a room. I see he likes to look at the camera, even upside down.
That's cause he is really looking at you...that's what my Little Guy did....and now when I walk into a room and look into his eyes, I still feel that connection we had even though I am looking at a picture. Their souls are alive in our homes and our hearts and if we speak to them, I believe they hear us.

You have such wonderful pictures of Oliver....you might think of taking your favorite and having it made into an 8x10 and set up a small memorial in your home in a special place for him. By the windows where my Little Guy loved to look out, I placed baskets of pretty flowers (not real ones) so instead of seeing an empty spot it was kind of a small memorial to him..making some place he loved into a special place that belongs to him.

He is home now and he is at peace. Missing him will never stop just as loving him can never end. He is a part of your heart and your memories and will be there forever. That can never be taken away. And, if you happen to see a movement out of the corner of your eye every now and then...I am sure that angel is watching you every moment of every day.

You are never alone grieving....we here will continue to grieve for our lost ones as long as we have a breath. In time, we are able to not let that overwhelm us every day but it is always there in the back of our minds...Just as our babies were a permanent part of our lives ...even though we lose the physical part of them...we will never ever lose what we feel in our hearts. We will keep them there with us for all time. Bless these babies...we are glad they were part of our lives and continue to be with us forever.

OM, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I haven't been on here for awhile and i just saw your post. It's been over a year that my Sadie Mae ate the tainted cat food and had to be put to sleep. I only tell you that to let you know that I understand. I know that you are devasted beyond belief with a weight of despair that feels like a physical object. Please cry...anything. Get it all out.

I can't tell you how sorry I am. No words could ever come close. Only time can minimize that kind of total devastation you are experiencing. You will get through this I promise. We all have and are here for you. I can also promise you that you will never stop missing or loving your baby Oliver, but that is okay. He is worth all of the tears in the world.

Please be good to yourself and know that Oliver is doing great now, though you are at the lowest point in your life. I know that it feels like a part of you has died. Please hang in there and write your feelings on here as much as you want.

Take care
John B

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I too took it to heart what you said. Thats just the way I felt/ still feel. One thing I did that seems to of help me in the begining stages of my grief was when I went to bed i would cry myself to sleep. I started to put some soft music on and closed my eyes and had thoughts of playing with my dear J-dog. We would run and play stick and ball. Well at time I even smiled. It's just one of the thing I did to cope with my very broken heart. This place has been very helpful for me. And I know it will help you too. My prayers are with you. You will get througt this it will just take a lot of time.

Victoria

I am so sorry for your loss of Oliver. Your pictures of him are such beautiful memories. He was beautiful. I remember when I received Duffy's ashes. I held them close to my heart and just wailed. It hurt so much that that was what was left of him. But now, after 8 months, I am glad that he is home and close with me. I know that a body is just a container but there is a strange comfort in having his ashes home.

This is the hardest time- the pain is so raw and fresh and it feels like it will never go away- part of it never does-but it does dull with the passage of time. Please know that you are in my thoughts and that I wish you peace and comfort during the darkest time of the grieving process. You will carry Oliver in your heart, wherever you go, and he will live on that way. I thank you for sharing your sweet memories of him with all of us here because it helps the rest of us to heal as well and it helps us get to know and appreciate Oliver and his beautiful life. Yes, you were lucky to have him but he was lucky to have such a wonderful mom who will always love and cherish him.
Take care,
Stephanie

thank you so much sharing the beautiful photos of your dear Oliver.
and telling about your special bond.
(yes, he does look similar like my Felice, just her eyes were not green, but somehow "goldbrown"speckled"
because she was supposed to be about 20 years old.)
i am so sorry, that he had to go so sudden, beeing only twelve years old.
feeling with you
Eva

thank you all for such kind words during my grief. it's been exactly two weeks, almost to the minute now, since he passed away and i still cry every day because i miss him so much. this morning i woke up at 5:30 and started to cry as i still can't believe he's gone, even now. i feel his absence everywhere, when i clean the cat boxes he would climb in while i was half way through and leave something stinky (i really miss that), and giving treats to my others is very painful since everything i do for the other three is 25% more/less, now that i am missing one. i had to arrange their feeding places for a change but everything's a reminder, no matter whether the routine is different or the same. i just got around to doing the laundry that was soiled from his last night at home and am going to rip out the bag from the vacuum so that i have some of his hair left. it may sound gross but i just can't bear the thought of throwing it all out with the trash. now that he is gone, every piece of him i can find is golden.

about a week ago, i was driving in my car and heard my "small, still voice" tell me, "it's ok. i have him, sarah." that was the only time, for about a half an hour, that i felt any real relief. i know i am not supposed to beat myself up, but he had that black crust on his lip for weeks and i knew that it wasn't right, i just kept putting it off as though he were immortal. my friend tells me i am monday morning quarterbacking and that it does no good, but i knew better, i was even pre-vet in college before i changed majors and i worked at a clinic for over a year. even though i loved him fiercely all the days of his life, part of me feels as though i failed him at the end.

i just feel so empty, as though my chest could implode from the huge void left in it. this weekend i went shopping by myself for a few hours and it was all i could do to not sit down and cry right there in the store. people have been very kind, most everyone i know has pets or at least understands how much i love mine and that i am in mourning. my best friend even changed her myspace to oliver's aunt and used his picture. no one has suggested that i should just get over it or that he was "just a cat" (thankfully, as there would be a swift and terrible rebuttal.) i really can't stand being alone for any amount of time, and hanging out at home is so much of a reminder. this in turn makes me panicky because i think about the fact that every day that goes by is one day closer to the inevitable for my others who are all senior. he was my first and the others came soon after so collectively they all represent an era of my life that someday will be over. they have loved me unconditionally through all areas, boyfriends, college, jobs, etc. to not have that physically present anymore from oliver is an indescribable loss.

i was on this site ten years ago when my pumpkin died from FLV. this place was the first website i ever really visited on the internet and remembered how kind and understanding everyone was as he was not only my first solid pet loss, but the first loss of anyone i was close to. thank you all for your prayers and condolances and i offer the utmost of mine in return.

Keeping his fur doesn't sound at all gross to me. In fact, I took hair from my babies' brushes and put it in a ziplock, airtight bag, with a favorite toy. I did my Little Guy's twin in 2002 that way and today that hair is still as soft as can be. It truly is the only physical thing I have left of my 3 babies and it is something to touch that is real and came from them only. I treasure that.

My 3 were all the same age also and I understand when you say about your remaining babies also being seniors. They probably need you more right now since they know something is wrong and don't understand it. Hold them and talk about Oliver. Hold them and cry about Oliver. Hold them.... Do not grieve for them while they are here to hug and love.

Your pain is so intense right now because so little time has passed since everything happened. You may at times find it hard to come home yet that home is where Oliver was the happiest and in time, you may find there is no place like home...and find comfort in remembering the good days he had with you there. You have been here before, as you said, so you know you have to let it all out, cry, vent, whatever it takes to find some peace inside.

Take Care....time helps the healing process...and makes it so the pain and grief does not overwhelm us constantly.

I understand your wanting to hang onto Oliver's hair. Doesn't sound gross at all to me. After Goliath passed away I didn't
vaccuum because I wanted his hair around me. Til this day I find his hair in closets and under furniture. The other day I pulled a stack of clothes out of the spare bedroom and found mounds of hair he left there. I call these discoveries of Goliath's "little hellos" to me. As long as I live I hope to receive many more of his hellos.

Today was a rough day. I picked up Oliver's urn at the engravers and cried as soon as she handed it to me. It looks beautiful. I put his name, dates and "mama will always love you" on the plate. Then, I went home and placed him in it. I pretty much haven't stopped crying/hurting, 6 hours later. I miss him so much everyday, all the time, it literally feels bottomless. Sometimes, I look at pictures of black and white cats, although I am not really sure why. It's bizarre, I look for him knowing they aren't him, but when I see a resemblance (especially one white and one black eye), I hurt. I know they aren't him nor ever will be, but it's like I search for him on auto pilot, knowing that it's in vain and anything even similar is going to hurt something awful.

The other day I turned the corner in my kitchen and noticed that all the cabinet doors weren't open. I was suddenly shocked that they haven't been all month. Then I walked into my room and just stared at the $4 garage sale table that he loved to attack for no reason. Claw marks all over the legs but no him anymore to add to it. Sometimes, especially after another "never see this again, " this anger surfaces that makes me want to materialize time so that I can strangle it for marching on. I'm so generally mortified and worn down, today I seriously wanted to back over a guy in the parking lot and peel out on his face for being rude and invading my space in line at the grocery store. Nothing is ever fun, I only pass the time.

After the traumatic cabinet episode, I started jotting down a list of things/stories as they come to mind. It's too painful to actually hand-write about it yet, but I don't want to forget a thing about him. Coming here helps with that too, many stories make me think about Oliver because he did this/that too, just like your babies. Some of the stories read like I could have wrote them myself.

I just wanted to talk about wanting my Oliver back. Whoever thought that three little words, I miss you, could have meaning with such intense and ongoing sadness attached? I love my Oliver.

I understand only too well the kind of missing you have described without Oliver. It's as though the world stopped and all meaning in life has vanished after one so loved has passed away. We wind up feeling lonely, empty, and without purpose in life. Our happy and content lives we lived with our furbabies has been completely turned upside down and it seems as though nothing will ever be upright ever again. Just like you I found myself very intolerant of others who displayed insensivitve or rude behavior. But I also realized my emotions were ultra sensitve for quite a long time after Goliath passed away.

Over time I found that the more I allowed myself to feel and remember all the good things Goliath brought into my life and heart, slowly but surely the deeper hurtful kind of pain left me. The happy memories are what they leave behind when they pass from this world to another. Oliver's memories can never be taken from you. They belong to you and will for the rest of your days here on earth.

I too wish I could have Goliath back in my arms again. But I know that isn't possible. His spirit though is very much alive in me and all around me. After reaching a point of being able to accept Goliath's death, I found a way to cope and find a way back to a happier way of living. It took me a long time though to see and feel the world around me. Mending a broken heart takes alot of time to heal.

May you find a healing comfort and restoration of a happy and fulfilling life again someday. Have faith that one day your world will move on too. Whatever you do this day will be your memory tomorrow. Let the love you have in you for Oliver shine upon all who are around you. Feel Oliver's sunshine in your heart and let it warm you and comfort you.

I send you hugs of comfort as you struugle through your journey of healing.

We have all gone through our own unique period of mourning but one day the seemingly endless grief you feel now will start to wither giving way to memories. You are fortunate to have other pets to 'lean against' during this period of grief. When my buddy Duncan passed away, i too thought the pain would never end, but it eventually did. Concentrating on the well being, the happiness and life of my other dogs is in part what shortened my grief period. My surviving dogs are more precious to me now as a result of Duncan's passing. Take care!
-Ken

I am definitely trying to concentrate on them. They don't seem to mourn too much but have been very attentive to me. I feel conflicted, on one hand it makes me paranoid that I will lose someone again soon so I love on them a great deal but on the other hand, I can't stand to be at home too long, it just eats at me that he isn't there. It's so scary now that they are all seniors. Someone meowed the other day from another room and it sounded like Oliver and it just about killed me. For just a second I forgot he wasn't here, then it crashed down again.



This is exactly how I feel. I can't seem to get a deep grip on anything, fortunately I have a job that allows me to come and go somewhat so I leave every Tues. from 9:30-10:30 so that I can have an hour of silence during the time that he passed on (usually I come here.) The shock has somewhat subdued, only to give way to a bottomless void that just sucks all joy out of my life. I miss him so much all the time, my heart feels like it has imploded upon itself. I wish that I could enjoy the memories and love we had but all I can feel is his loss. It's been four weeks but it feels like an eternity has passed. I just want him back regardless of the impossibility.


A letter to my Rasta cat,

Words cannot describe how I feel right now. Losing you has been an ongoing nightmare that I cannot seem to wake from. I wish to do so many things over again, I took for granted the ability to just see your face, lay around with you or even have you try to take my food from my utensils. The signs were there that you weren't feeling good, I just thought they were indicating you weren't a kitten anymore, not that you had a terminal condition. Know that I would never have intentionally allowed you to become sick, if I thought for a minute that you were dying, I would have worked my fingers to the bone to provide you with the medical care that could have possibly extended the precious time you were here with me.

I miss all the things you did, opening all the cabinets, lowering your head when I kissed you, your sommersaults when I scratched your shoulderblades. I wish you could be here to sprawl out on your back in the middle of the floor so I could stratch your armpits in the summer and warn me that water is bad and to get out of the tub. I miss you hissing at the sweeper, even after 12 years of listening to it and your ability to heal headaches with purring. I miss watching you just plop over wherever you feel like laying even if in my walking path and your general conversation with your unusual voice. I wish I could watch you act nonchalant while you slowly closed in on my food and watch you horde the catnip with your paws again. I miss you laying around with stick legs and tucking them under to make pool float position and watching you greet me at the window when I walked up the porch to come home. I miss sleeping with you right next to my face and smelling your face when we snuggled. I wish I could just have you put your paw on me while I watch tv. I would do anything just to be able to kiss your face and hold you. I want you back. You belonged to me and no one else and it seems impossible that we aren't together anymore.

I love you so much, Oliver. I know how much you loved me, even others noticed that you were mama's baby and I was adored. You came into my life when I was so lonely and the events that brought us together were nothing short of divine intervention. You brought love and laughter into my life and were the first of the family that brought me home at night and gave me meaning and responsibility. I wish that I could have made you understand how much I love you, but now that you are part of God's kingdom, I am sure you fully comprehend everything I am feeling. God brought you into my life and being the Origin of love, I am certain He will see to it that we will be reunited again someday, all of us.

I will always miss you. I will always adore you. You will never be forgotten and even though I am in turmoil over us not being in this world together and see no end in sight, you will always be a part of me. I am the luckiest woman on earth to be able to call myself your mama. We were meant to be. I love you Oliver. I love you, I love you, I love you. Now and forever.

Mama

What a beautiful letter and a beautiful picture to a very very special sweethheart.

It takes so much time to do but I wish you peace and healing. Think about the good memories with Oliver everytime you feel sad. Remember those as often as you can. It will help.

It is so short a time since you lost him.....it is normal for you to feel lost and to miss him so very much. It is the hardest time of all the times they are part of our lives for they may be taken away physically but their souls are part of our heart and no one and no power will ever take that away from us.

Hug your other babies...they don't understand but know something is going on and you have their unconditional love also..they need you very much right now and deep down...you really do need them. When I lost my Little Guy in September...my home WAS empty...I had no others to hug and cry and talk to. I cried a lot then I started realizing that crying did not make me feel better like I thought it did.
What helped me was the distraction of bringing in a shelter cat into my home. He is totally different from my special one, Little Guy, but he needs a home and purrs and loves the best he can. He was a lonely abandoned soul and that's how I felt with my empty home.

I wish you peace and healing. Healing takes effort and that effort involves remembering the good healthy and happy memories of our babies...the only ones they would want us to think about. Grief is exhausting physically and emotionally. There are times we have to give in to it because it can strike us so overwhelming but it is too exhausting to be in that state constantly. It changes nothing. We can't bring them back physically. They are with us in spirit. I think if you reach out to your other ones and allow their love in....you and they will all benefit. I put pictures of my LIttle Guy in every room so if I can't have him here, at least I can look at him and remember he was here and I find a comfort in that.

After I cried a lot and still do at times...I thought about what I needed to make me feel better and I realized I needed to feel that unconditional love again in my empty home and so I got the shelter kitty who now has a home. The distraction really helps me.
I had 3 cats originally and when each left, I just gave the ones left much more attention than I used because I realized how quickly they can leave. When I had no more left to do that with....I opened my heart and home to one who needed it because I needed more than an empty house.

Take Care and walk baby steps to healing as best you can while you are waiting for the time to pass that is a major help in making the pain less overwhelming most of the time.

Good morning oliver's mama:
I'm in a similar situation with Dolly one of my dogs who is 10 years old and not in perfect health. Losing Dolly would mean an end to an era for me as both Duncan and Dolly came with the property i bought 8 years ago.
Back then i was not exactly what you would call a dog lover. However when the seller said if i didn't want the dogs, he was going to have the county pick em up which meant sure death for them.
Long story short, i really didn't want a dog at the time let alone two of them. But when i went up to Duncan and then Dolly to get some initial vibes, they both licked my hands profusely and their smiles forced me to smile. Somehow i think they instinctively knew what was at stake! As a side note: Dolly a long-haired dog was in pathetic condition with extreme matting and both of which were perpetually chained. The seller used them strictly as watch dogs. They both apparently were never let loose as they didn't know how to run and maneuver without bumping into things. Dolly was also scared of tall weeds which was apparently something new to her. Sorry for the rambling!
They have been my faithful companions for eight years now and since Duncan is now gone i also fear Dolly's passing might be even more devastating.

I try not to think on it surmizing what will happen is going to happen. With my dogs, i've learned to live for the day, the now same as our pets do and i'll face that sad day when that time comes.
Take care,
-Ken

oliver's mama, sorry for your loss, he was soooo beautiful, I am a man and couldn't help it but I was in tears my self when finished reading it, that is the most beautiful letter ever made to a Kid Pet. You most have loved him soooooo much like am sure he loved you too. Please don't feel bad, think about all the good times am sure you both had together becouse he will be waiting for you in heaven [This I know] God Bless and let us know if anything we could do for you, hugs from Buster and Jorge .

I'm not really sure what to even say. Took a couple steps back I suppose, I got on here about 5:30 AM, can't sleep anymore and still crying like last night. Man, I just miss him so much. Thinking of good times isn't really helping, all I can feel is his absence. I don't feel like I'll ever be happy again.


It feels very much like that, he was my first and within 6 months I had them all except Max, who I got just a few years later. I knew in my 20's that I was potentially placing myself in a time of profound sadness as they are all aging together. They have been with me through it all, homes, boyfriends, jobs, schooling, etc. I love my cats so much.

Havana, thank you for your kind words. I meant it all from the bottom of my heart. I did and do love him more than words can describe.

LoveThem, thank you too for your kind words. I read them quite a bit when I get on here and lurk with tears.

I'm glad my words have helped you. I try to write from the heart and pain we all share so we know we are not alone in that pain and grief but are trying to ease its burden with our sharing our thoughts and feeling with each other.

OMG ...that picture you just posted....is wonderful. I would caption it "What's not to love?" And add, "and miss terribly".

What a beautful boy. I"m a nut for tummies and I see Oliver does have a perfect one to scratch and love.

We all have days like you described so when they come....let yourself cry...there is nothing wrong with that. We don't have to be strong all the time. We lost someone who can never be replaced and who we loved and was loved back unconditionally. Time never weakens that bond...but it does lessen the pain or maybe it is allowing us to control the pain more so it at least feels less.

Hugs to you, Oliver's Mama, your angel is still here with you..his spirit cannot be taken away from you....EVER!

He did have a great belly. He would always do that in the summer, sometimes my Lily will do it too but not to that relaxed and stretchy of an extent nor as often. I would walk up and scratch his armpits and kiss his chin and he would stretch tip to tip. One time his armpits were yellow, it was so gross and human that I laughed and teased him. He would do it right in the middle of the room too, he was very comfortable at home. Many people who didn't quite "get" cats have come to my house and left claiming which one was now theirs. I have been very blessed with wonderful babies but he was a one of a kind cat in the way that he loved me and I fear that the kind of relationship that ours was can never be duplicated. I understand the man on here who lost his cat-wife, I do feel very much widowed.

I too found the ups and downs were more than just a little difficult. It seemed like I would take 2 steps forward.....3 steps backward............1 step forward............1 more step forward..........1 step backward. Eventually my steps starting moving more forward than backward and that was when I knew I had begun to heal. The scars I wear on my heart I will have forever. The pain is far less but I will never forget how I got them.

My Goliath and Gidget are only 5 months apart in age. Since Goliath passed away in November 2007 I have often wondered about how long Gidget will be with us. The answer to that for me is to make each day we have together the best ever. What I do with this day and how meaningful I make it is what will be my memory tomorrow. So, I try and take each day and live it like it is my last dance here on earth. Each day I have with my puppyloves is a gift I cherish and give thanks for.

Have faith that the wonderful memories you and Oliver made together will one day drown out more of the pain & grief you are feeling now. In a relationship such as yours, you can be sure Oliver is within you and all around you. Feel the sunshine in your heart as you think of him and all the joy he brought into your life. I promise one day you will be happy again.

Comforting hugs as well as my thoughts and prayers are with you.
Beth

Thank you Beth for your kind words. It is hard to help others as consistently as you and a few others here have done, and I will be eternally grateful. Lily underwent anesthesia today for bloodwork, I about went out of my mind at work until they called me and said she was awake. I love my babies so much, to lose someone else so soon would put me in a tail spin that I am not sure I could recover from. I would say I am between wound and scar. I cried today, so I guess more wound still anyway.

I got a sign from my baby as crazy as it may seem. I have been meaning to fill the box that his ashes came in with toys he liked, tops to body spray bottles, a rainbow mouser and expecially those nylon strip wands that you get for decorations at christmas time or as cat toys. Those were his favorite. He reeeeally loved those, you had to watch your hand because he would get so intense with the swatting. I even had the thought that when I found one, I would have to cut it to fit in the box as they are larger and he destroyed the ones that I did have.

Two days ago, I was wondering around and looking at purses. There was a black and white one that I kind of liked and I thought that maybe I should get it since it matches him (silly I know, but I have long since tried to understand anything I do these days in grief.) After hem-hawing around, I realized that I wasn't being responsible financially and put the purse back, thinking that it wasn't the purse but only the colors that I was attached to and when I get a true sign, I will know. I left to go to another store and had to pass the pet store. At the last minute, I decided to stop and get some treats and a new toy for my babies. After choosing them, I was walking out and low and behold, I spied one of those nylon strip wands that my Oliver loved. And it's small enough to fit in the box, except for the plastic wand part that I am going to break down. It really is perfect in everyway. And it matches him in color, only it has silver in it which I cannot help but think that he shimmers now in Heaven anyway.

Hopefully the pic below isn't too big, I tried to cut out most of my napping face which is slackjawed but it's one of my favorites. It's about 10 years old and my skin has cleared up some, although has more wrinkles as a trade-off.

Mama got it, Oliver. I bought it just for you and I love you too.

Just wanted to say I love all the pictures. Everytime I see them I think of Sissycat and the Love we both share for cats. May we both continue our healing process and remember them often.

Much Hugs

[quote name='oliver's mama' date='Jun 21 2008, 12:20 AM' post='39618'
I got a sign from my baby as crazy as it may seem. I have been meaning to fill the box that his ashes came in with toys he liked, tops to body spray bottles, a rainbow mouser and expecially those nylon strip wands that you get for decorations at christmas time or as cat toys. Those were his favorite. He reeeeally loved those, you had to watch your hand because he would get so intense with the swatting. I even had the thought that when I found one, I would have to cut it to fit in the box as they are larger and he destroyed the ones that I did have
[/quote]

Suble signs of Goliath come to me every so often. At first it was a little shocking.......Now I await his visits anxiously. I've found the more I am healing that my eyes, ears, and senses have magnified. So, I keep my senses sharp so I won't miss his signs to his Momma.

You have a wonderful idea about putting Oliver's favorite toys in his box. Goliaths' favorite was his football and it won't fit in his urn, so I have placed it right next to him. One these nights I am hoping he tosses that football right over to my bed, when I'm in it.

Those nylon strip wands are fun toys. Many years ago we had multiple cats and they all had different toys they liked. Of course, some of them just liked to tease another one and fight over it too. One of the cats names was Trucker, He never knew he was a cat. He liked to play jacks with me. It was funny to watch him. He'd take off with the ball sometimes, right in the middle of the game, climb up his cat tree and throw it out the top at me. I still have those jacks to this day.

Your shopping spree was well worth the trip in finding one of those wands.(sign from Oliver) When your time comes to leave this earth,You will be able to recognize Oliver quickly. He'll be the one waving the wand and looking straight into your eyes.


Your Oliver does indeed shimmer in Heaven, right along with the rest of our shimmering furangels. What a day it will be when we are all reunited with these beautiful babies again. What a magnificent day it will be.

Hugs, Beth

Girl, you ain't kidding. It's been 11 hours and 45 minutes that Candy has been gone and I just want her back so much I can't even decribe the pain.

May Oliver and Candy rest in sweet prescious peace.

Hal - Candy's Dad

My Oliver,

Well, it's been three months today that you have been gone. I think about you all the time and miss you every single day. Sometimes, I STILL can't believe that you're not here anymore. I especially miss you at bedtime. As loved as I am by your brother and sisters, you dominated the snuggle market. I become vaguely angry when no one wants to cuddle like you did, and worse, I feel resignation afterwards. You are still sooooo adored, even in death, and know that someone here on earth still burns the candle bright for you. Life will never be the same again.

Mama

After I lost Mink (black cat in avatar) I was crushed. A "soul-tearing" loss, I called it. Months later I was still trying to cope, miserable. Then I had an opportunity to meet with a shaman who said Mink was confused why I was so sad, because he was still right here. Rather than perceiving the spirit world as far, far away, beyond the clouds, beyond the stars, I changed the way I see it. Spirits we're connected to are still right around us. On another vibrational level, yes, such that they have no mass and are pure light, but nearby just the same. I found it immensely comforting to look at it that way. I miss his body form still (it's been 2 years), especially his stinky little breath and his "hi-hi" double meow greeting, but I'm comforted knowing we're still connected, and will be traveling together again in this life or the next.

And yes, I understand totally the disappointment that no one else is the lap fungus he was. I now have FOUR cats, and not one of them is a snuggle-bunny. Each in their own time, yes, but not "ooo! Mama's lap is empty, here I come!" affection hound. ~Kimberly

I love your notes to Oliver. They mean so much.
Your story sounds so much the same as mine. I still have Sissycat's 2 sisters and mama. None of which are the snuggly type. I am working on trying to get them to be. Maybe because Sissy dominated my room. The only way I can get one of the sisters to sleep in my bed (down at the foot tho) is to go in the other bedroom. I miss Sissy's snuggle right by my side with my hand touching her. Gosh I miss that so very much. I light candles every Monday night for her also. (my family thinks I am nuts but I don't care)

I still think of you often. For some reason I think it is because their faces looked so similar.

Giving you many hugs this evening!!!!!!!!!

May we continue to be stronger and our pain to subside.

"kim"

You know what's funny? Two nights ago, the night I said that no one sleeps in Oliver's old spot right up under my arm, my Max came and slept right there that night and last night too. AND I got lots of stinky cat breath kisses. Hope Oliver told him to do that.

BTW, I absolutely LOVE your avatar. They look like they have some of the loveliest personalities possible.



Thank you so much for kind words. I miss him terribly too. You kind of get used to it, so the pain subsides but there's always that void. Life is pre and post Oliver's death. Just today I was looking at a date at work on a worksheet and thought, oh I did that exactly two weeks after...

I think it's really cool that you leave her little notes on your thread for her, just a quick love you before work, etc. I should do that more often.

Have you noticed that a dad here of Fleetwood is a member of the billicat club? I need to post a picture of Oliver with Daphne on his thread, it's uncanny. Except mine didn't get along quite as well as his seemed to. Daphne is kind of passive-aggressive with them and Oliver was just plain king. It was lovely being his queen.

Sarah (Oliver's mama)

Hi Sarah [oliver's mama] I do owe three new Cats now since not to long ago from an old old next door neighbor of mine almost 90 y/o who went to live in a home and one of them is named El Niño he has a dark spot on one of his eyes just like Oliver's they are adorable and sweet and here they are so you can see them, the top is named Weena the middle one El Niño and the bottom one is Miss Kitty, God Bless, Jorge Click to view attachment

OOOOO, such pretty kitties! You too have a billicat, yay! (Although I could really say just about any club for any color cat!) El Nino (don't know how to do the tilde), sounds like a fabulous ornery soul! And a calico kitty with a diamond nose marking and a fluffy white kitty? You must be keeping busy! Hope you are holding up well since Buster's passing. I followed your story and know it was quite a long journey. Take care,

Sarah

All of these posts with black and white kitties have made me miss my best dressed cat. I just wanted to share some more of him with everyone. How I wish he was still here.

I still miss and love you so much Oliver. You are forever a part of me.

Your pics of Oliver are fabulous and I find the one of him laid out on the newspaper hillarious!

Though the missing never ends Sarah, it's wonderful when the happier memories surface as we resolve the deep pain and grief. Grasping onto this kind of happiness and giving thanks for it is the gift of love Oliver left you when he passed into God's loving hands.

I have been blessed so much during my life and my Goliath was and still is the greatest gift of all. I suspect Oliver is and was yours as well. Keep on spreading the joy and love you have in your heart. Letting go of the agony opens yet another door to growing in spiritualality. There is a promise of a plan for each and every one of us.

Hugs to you from my heart,
Beth

Thanks Beth, the one of him on the newspaper is the one I have hanging up at work along with a couple of others. I work in a lab and sometimes when I am setting up one of my runs, I just find myself staring at it. It's still so easy to smell and feel his cheek fur. I hope that never goes away. He was one of the most wonderful gifts from God I have ever received. It was arranged that he would be mine from some mutual friend of a friend after he was weaned. I had just gotten dumped by someone completely unmemorable and happened to be driving by her house at like midnight and saw her walking into her house so I stopped by. I took him home that night and we belonged to each other ever since. This was the first summer I didn't get to see that sprawled out body in the middle of my living room. I bet the words, "I miss scratching my cat's armpits" haven't been spoken often, but I really do. I hope someday I can adopt your loving disposition. I am better than before, but I think that the missing part will burn all the days of my life.



Hi Joanne,

I am sure he knows. I keep thinking that he is a part of me now and when I am gone, I will be able to see him once again, only never to be parted. You know, it's funny the things that happen at the time that seem minor somehow burn themselves into your brain. That night I woke up and he was staring at me, I know in my bones that he was loving me. His face just radiated it. The event triggered something in me, because I took note of it but it was only a month or so before he died. My mom is convinced he was expressing gratitude and taking it all in as much as he could. There's a video on youtube by Radiohead called the Pyramid Song (WARNING, it is NOT to be listened to during a rough patch. The song is about dying and can cause uncontrollable crying jags when there are otherwise none.) The lyrics say, "we all went to heaven in a little row boat, there was nothing to fear, nothing to doubt" and I just see myself rowing a boat full of cats with Rasta at the helm, ,but at the end of the video, several souls are reunited and it is so lovely, I often wonder if that is what it would look like. I certainly hope so.

I hope you are hanging in there with Lily, Mario and Charlie. The up/down cycle is extremely exhausting. Thankfully, my cats for the most part are little hoovers and will eat anything. I will PM you shortly.

My background is in chemistry and one of the few theories that go unquestioned is energy only transfers, it can't be created or destroyed. Therefore, I am sure it is forever. The first law of thermodynamics supports it.

Man, I love this face.

Sarah

Love all your pictures. I too especially enjoy the one on the newspaper. The row boat thing made me laugh. I need to be in there helping ya row too!!!!!! lol

If ya have any more pics post em.

The last picture of the close up reminds me so much of the close up of my Sissycat.

Hugs to YOu!!!

That is so horrible, I am so sorry. But I must tell you that you are not alone. I am in the deepest of grief over my Brutus that I had to put to sleep 3 days ago. Hardest decision of my life. I don't know which is worse here,,,,,,,,,,me having to watch Brutus deteriorate over 6 weeks, having to shove pills down his throat 2x per day and just having this deep feeling that he is dying and I'm watching it happen. Or is it worse to have your baby taken suddenly and quickly without notice,,,,,,,,,I'm really not sure. I don't think either of us had real time to deal. I had a feeling he didn't have long, and I was willing to do anything to keep him alive, but not when his quality of life got so poor that he couldn't even eat on his own and couldn't breathe well.
Atleast you didn't have to make that fateful decision of putting your beloved pet to sleep of your own choice. This will haunt me the rest of my life. Although I feel I did the right thing because he was old and the suffering was starting, I still question myself. I wish he had just died in his sleep one night and I wouldn't have had to bring him to the vet and be with him while they gave him a lethal injection of my choosing. But I couldn't bare to have him at home just withering and wasting away either, I wanted him to die with dignity.
I think we all seem to look back and have guilt about things, like what could I have done that maybe he would still be alive today? But we have to get it through our heads that this is the life cycle of a pet. If we get 10-15 years with them, we are lucky. I got 16, and for that I should be thankful. We do our best with the decisions we make. We are human and we love them and they know we did our best for them no matter what.
I feel as desolate as you. I don't even want to come home, because its so empty. I dont have any other pets, it was me and Brutus against the world. Now i have nothing. You should love on your other pets and let them know how much you love them, because they too will be gone one day, with the short lives our furbabies are dealt.
I will get another cat someday, because the void I feel is horrendous. But I"m not ready yet.
Hang in there, and like I'm trying to do, think of the good times and appreciate the fact that you got to be his mom.

That picture of your baby on that newspaper with "arms" outstretched is priceless. I think if that was my desktop wallpaper I could smile each time I saw it. It makes one want to just reach down and pick him up and hug him so much!.

Thank goodness for pictures. They sustain us and help us really remember the happy healthy times that we are so very thankful that we had.

You said in an earlier post: I still miss and love you so much Oliver. You are forever a part of me.

So many of us are standing in the same pair of shoes as far as missing and loving them.

Your last sentence is the powerful one. Yes he is forever a part of you and that's why now he can never be taken away from you. He is such a part of your heart and your whole being that there can be no more separation. The physical has been taken but nothing can take away any part of the soul and spirit that was Oliver. He is yours forever and you are his special Mom.

Hugs to you and that special Angel, Oliver. He is watching over you and you can still feel his love in your heart..that is a permanent part of you.


Judy

mama's rasta,

it's been 6 months today since you left. i just wanted to tell you that i miss you every single day, and will for the rest of my life. i found everybody's stockings that i made when you were all kittens. your's and pumpkin's will be hung now and every christmas. i love you both very much and hope that you are happy until our reunion.

mama

I just wanted to say hello. Been a while since I have posted to you. Still think of you often.

Hugs to you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you for your recent kind words. We truly do miss them so very much..after all, they are part of our hearts and always will be.

Take care...and I hope to see you back again soon....as you said.

Judy