Thank you for all your kind replies to my post about Sherry. She was the most affectionate and youngest of my 6 cats. Daisy her best friend died about 6 months before and she had been Daisy's best friend. The two of them always slept upstairs with my husband and I. When Daisy died in November my husband brought home a kitten only two days later without consulting me. That is when Sherry began showing stress symptoms. She stopped sleeping with me and began staying downstairs all the time. At first her appetite decreased and she began withdrawing. I foolishly attributed stress over the death of Daisy and being hurt by the new kitten invading her space almost immediately after. Then after the new year she began swelling up and eating more. I actually thought I was doing the right thing by pulling her bowl away from her when she was eating too fast thinking I was preventing her getting too fat as that can also cause health isssues. She was actually starving to death from proten depletion and I didn't know it. I found out only when she was in convulsions one morning and I rushed her to the emergency hospital at 2 am that she was dying from multiple system crash due to an undiagnosed advanced kidney disease. One of my older cats has CFR and it was diagnosed in time and he's been on medication for it for 4 years and is doing pretty well considering he's 19. Sherry was much younger than him so I don't think I was paying as much attention to her symptoms. Daisy had pancreatic cancer and was on medication for 3 years after her initial diagnosis and she was 21 years old. My 16 year old Carina is on medication to treat hypertension. Then the CFR cat and his sister got viruses a week apart in December and both had to be hospitalized for rehydration and observation. This year the vet bills were enormous and I think that we may have been in denial about how sick Sherry was because that's what we wanted to believe because of the huge vet bills and the fact that she was younger than the cats who were both on meds for several years. This of course adds to the enormous guilt. It was bad enough to lose my most affectionate cat all of a sudden or so it seemed at the time but with all my mistakes concerning her health probably at the very least caused her to die much more quickly from the disease because it was untreated. I still can't understand how I could have been so observant about my other cats and so careless about Sherry. It's very hard to forgive myself. Sherry always used to burrown herself between my neck and shoulder every night before Daisy died and the kitten, Phoebe came. She was never the same again. I like Phoebe and keep her upstairs at night but she's nowhere near as affectionate as Sherry was. I am seeing a therapist and take several antidepressents which help me to sleep but I lost a lot of weight (10 lbs) and I only weighed 103 before all this happened. I'm starting to eat a little more but my nights are so empty and even sadder than the days without my sweetheart. All of this will haunt me for the rest of my life.

You have gone through one of those life experiences that we all wish would never happen. As I read your post and see you had Daisy for 21 years. You have a 16 year old, a 19 year old.....all of this shows you are a caring person who has taken very good care of your babies. I am so sorry about what happened to Sherry...that creates a very overwhelming sense of grief..and when you add guilt to that, you have created a punishment for yourself you do not deserve. After things are over we can look back and we always look for things to hit ourselves over the head with ...as a punishment. We get into the Should of, could of, types of situations that do nothing to make us feel better but instead intensifies a grief we already feel devastated by. Always remember, we are only human which means we cannot be perfect. All we can do is try our best at the time or what we feel is the best thing to do...we don't know....we are not doctors.

After losing my "best friends" over the years, I have finally come to the realization that when we take them into our lives, it is with the understanding that they will leave some day and chances are it will not be pleasant or easy but until that time, every year we have them is a gift we are given.....we can love them and receive love in return. Then I think there is a point in life when something decides it is time for them to leave us. Sometimes we are lucky and do catch something and are able to prolong a quality of life. Other times we are not so lucky and it is only when it is too late ....that's when something happens that cannot be cured or stopped. That type of leaving hurts the worse but I believe that if our babies are meant to stay with us longer....we would have done the things we think of later. It just was not meant to be. That is why even though it is so natural to grieve and hurt and miss them terribly...the one feeling we should not allow added to that is...guilt. We are just not meant to be in situations everytime...where we can tell ourselves that we did everything we could and it wasn't enough and even then we feel horrible that it wasn't enough.

You have other babies and a kitten that needs you so much and you cannot make yourself ill with guilt. Guilt is something we impose upon ourselves...it's like we feel we should be punished for losing them and grief just does not make us feel bad enough but guilt will really do that. I really believe there is something that metes out good and bad things in our lives..something beyond our control..and that's why when we see that, it is easier to try and take back some control at least over our feelings. We can get these hard lessons in life but we can't let them win by changing our lives. There are too many babies who need humans who care and when we paralyse
ourselves with unrelenting grief, it is those babies who are losing out and it is us who are losing out from not allowing that unconditional love they are there to give..to be received.

Just keep thinking.....if it was meant to be, it would have happened.

Think of that instead of the should of, could of traps that nothing can be done about. I had my most tragic ending with my last one, Little Guy, and it was horrible and I can see the thoughts you have written about that hurt very deeply. Those are the ones you have to overcome and not allow them to overwhelm you as there is nothing to be accomplished by adding to the natural grief that already is intense pain.

If it helps you can write a letter here to Sherry and tell her how much you miss her. Sometimes using written words as an outlet can help the healing process inside. You will never forget her, you will always miss her and you will love her always..that can never be taken away from your thoughts and feelings. It is cruel when we lose these babies but that is the part of life we do not understand
and we never will.

You ended by saying: All of this will haunt me for the rest of my life.

Only if you allow it to. That is the part you can have the control over. When a negative thought comes into your mind...shout back at it...STOP! and force yourself to think of something good...even if it is just looking into the eyes of that little Kitten, Phoebe, who I am sure just adores you.

I put pictures of my Little Guy in all my rooms and at times I can walk up and touch his face and just say I am sorry he is gone but I know....for some reason it was his time and I couldn't stop it. I think that is why so many times we find it is too late when we see something that really concerns us. Most diseases are this way and we are told how cats especially are good at hiding what might really panic us.

Take care and I understand the weight loss..I have been there myself...but sometimes one just gets so tired of being so tired and that can help turn things around even if through baby steps.