Firstly, I'm so glad and yet sorry to have found this site. Glad, because I thought I was alone in my feelings, and sorry because I have found I am not. If that makes sense.

A week ago my darling doggie - Lenny - was lost to me. He had acute liver and kidney failure, couldn't eat, stand or drink. I think he had other problems too, that the vet did not discover. We felt we had no choice but to ease him into sleep.

The vets were very good. They did everything humanly possible to identify the problem and at the end of the day, the problem seemed to be almost everything that poor Lenny had. He was just over 12 years old, and it almost seemed as though he had just worn everything out.

After she had helped him to his last sleep from which he would not wake, our vet was crying. My wife was crying; I was crying. I am crying as I write this.

We know we did the right thing for him - if not the right thing for us. I'll post more, maybe, on that one day in case it helps others.

But I don't seem to be able to get over it.

I have lost pussies and dogs before - and it hurt. But Lenny was 100% integrated into our life - into my every thought. There's nothing I do at home that didn't involve the question of how it might affect him, or whether he should be involved. Almost every thought I have still turns to him - only he's not here.

He was a Keeshond. That's enough description for some people, but for others he was incredibly gentle, never aggressive, always loving. He had his own mind and no amount of work by us ever changed that. But he totally took me for pack leader (not daddy ) and my wife as deputy pack leader. He loved to be with us and the bond between us was incredible.

About a month before losing Lenny, I lost a brother. I have to say (though some might be shocked) that losing Lenny has torn me apart where losing my brother did not.

Normally I take what life throws at me. The list of calamaties that has hit myself and my wife over the last 8 months would turn your hair white, and they are still continuing. Yet with Lenny at home waiting for us, I could cope. Now, the loss of one small-ish keeshond is breaking my heart like nothing else.

Now, at least, I know there are others out there who are so affected by such loss. I don't feel so stupid or weak (which I am not normally).

There are no easy answers to 'how long will it last' or 'what can I do'. I know that. Just as I knew and know that this loss was inevitable. Had it happened next year, I'd be just as heart broken. No matter how many kisses I had, I will always want more. No matter how many tail wags, or however many holidays, I'd always need at least one more. So it was always going to be hard.

I guess I will cope and adjust, but it really seems to me - at the moment - that I am never going to get over it. I just keep needing to give that cuddle or stroke, or even just quick glance, that I can no longer do.

Thanks for reading. To know you are not alone is a help. don't get me wrong, my wife is terribly upset too, but she is coping. I am not.

This site helped me, and will help you at least get things out and see there are so many other people who have been through it.
I lost my special friend last month. As you say, we have had cats and dogs (And other animals) over the years, but sooner or later one is exceptionally special.

I have wondered myself why the loss of a human relative, as bad as it is, does not produce the same helpless feelings and such despair.
Our animal friends live without the foreknowledge of things like getting old, or sick, or dying. We know about it, and grudgingly expect it, but no matter what happens to them, they carry on bravely, and try to be the puppy or kitten we adopted, forever.
To see an animal friend purr or wag its tail at the very end, thinking, "HE is here! Things will be all right" is the heartbreaker for me.

I can fix anything. Cars. electronics, etc....but here I was not being able to do a thing for my Cat Wife.
In a month the empty despair has turned into a dull ache. I will lessen, but it is not going to go away, and that special fur-covered person is going to be missed, from now on.
I am conducting "Kitten Interviews" this week, but it is not to hearltessly replace my Cat Wife. It is of course to fill a void, and I hope the "New Hire" will grow and fill some of the emptiness.
Suffice to say, he will be spoiled rotten, just as she was.

We are not really over Matilda the Aussie from almost twenty years ago, but we carry on. We know there will never be another like her, and that is the way it should be. As long as we live, she is there.

Its been 18 months since I too found this site, 3 days after losing my own precious boy - my Cavalier King Charles Spaniel - Bono - to heart disease at the tender age of 8 years. And I can tell you with confidence that this site has been a lifeline to me, and I hope it will be to you too, as you go through this testing and most horrible time.

Making the decision to euthanise a beloved pet (although I have no experience of it) is a most selfless act of compassion. In a way you took Lenny's suffering on yourself. And you are suffering. There is no doubt about that. And it will continue for you must grieve, you must go through these stages of grief. It's a natural and horrible process. But you'll be ok, so long as you continue to talk about Lenny, and express how you feel to those around you, and indeed those of us on this site. Even though Bono has been gone from my life for 18 months now, I was up till 3am last night crying for him ... You never get over the loss of someone you loved this much, but you do learn to continue with life without them.

No human death has been worse for me than losing Bono. I have lost aunts, uncles, cousins, friends ... and yet the loss of Bono has crippled me with grief. My heart is broken. Do not feel badly about the difference in how you are coping with these 2 tragic losses. And for what it's worth, I am so so sorry that you are going through this Hell right now. It's like a mist isn't it? A haze of grief.

We're here for you. Lenny was a beautiful boy. x

I am glad you decided to stop by and post here. You are correct that you are not alone in your pain. Yes, that does help to know that.
You wondered about not being able to get over it. It is too recent not to still be in the worst grief. That is normal and will continue for a while...but you can always come here and post or just read what others have gone through and reinforce the fact you are not alone with this kind of pain.

You talked about losing others before and it hurt but Lenny was very special and this hurt sounds like it is more intense. Sometimes I wonder if some of this is because as we get older we understand more about the shortness of life and realize just how precious time can be...especially time with our special pets. I think that might have something to do with our grief becoming more intense. I have also read where people wonder why the effect is so different from what we feel when we lose a human. I can only think the answer to that must come from what we get from these special babies that we cannot get from humans...that is "unconditional love". That is so much a part of our special ones that it cannot be separated from our thoughts and feelings even in grief.

I am glad you had Lenny 12 years...that is the oldest I ever had my dogs and I know it still seems too short. You will always love him and miss him and that will never stop.

What helped me to start healing from grief such as this ....was finding this forum and seeing how much so many loved their babies and knowing their pain and knowing they knew mine cause it is the same pain we all share. Then I put some picture Tributes in that section here and it made people smile and also made me smile to remember when those pictures were taken..my precious ones were healthy and we were all a happy family and there was no hole in our lives. I then put pictures in every room I walk into in my home so my special ones are there..just as they were before...watching me and I can look into those eyes and remember how much they cared and I cared.

It is the good memories that you will find helps push down the dark sadness that threatens to overwhelm us, especially when it is so recent or even later....sometimes it all can come rushing back in a moment and surprise us..but I think that is because the bond was so strong and so much a part of our lives...that the love and the sadness will always exist but the love will make us remember the good memories that can never be taken away us and that is what helps us heal as best we can.

You might find relief in posting some good memories of times with Lenny and some of his special ways of doing things or responding to things or just outright playing for the fun of it. Some people here post a note to their special one...just another way of talking to them because it helps at times. Whatever you want to do that feels like it would help you cope with your grief...would be the thing to do.
Getting your feelings out into the open and not letting them be bottled up inside can help. Grief and coping in a way can be different for different people but what is not different is the pain that comes and the emptiness and feelings such as those that just are not different because they are too intense.

I like one saying a "mom" here wrote about: The pain of losing him will never ever be greater than the joy of knowing him.
There is a lot of feeling in that simple sentence. And I totally agree with every word. We are blessed to have had them in our lives and that is something we will never forget. They are a part of us, of our hearts, and always will be now and forever.

So feel free to post about Lenny anytime you feel the need. As we share the pain with each other, we also can share the smiles and the joy of hearing about the good times or seeing pictures that can so often make us smile.

There are many times we too type through tears and it is comforting to know that there are also times we can type with a smile when told of happy times or see pictures of these special ones....just being special.

Take Care and I wish you peace in your grief but as you know....it just all takes time.

The grief and agonizing pain you are feeling takes so much time to heal. Lenny was an integral part of your soul as well as your wife's. So when he passed away a part of you went with him. In time you will find that he left you much more than grief as you begin to heal. Our hearts are wounded when we have to part with one loved so much. It is easy to fix a physical wound; but much harder to mend a broken heart. Give yourself time.

I completely understand it when you say Lenny's death was much more difficult for you to take than your brother's death. As much as I love all my family, including those who have gone before me, I have a different kind of love for Goliath. When he passed away unexpectedly in my arms I thought I could never love or live again. I begged God to take me instead. My pain was the most excruciating I had ever felt in my life. The hopelessness and emptiness imobilized me for some time. Then one day I realized that Goliath would be horrified and very saddened if he thought that was all he left me. Goliath and I have a treasure chest full of beautiful and joyous memories. I can open my treasure chest whenever I choose. When I do, I can close my eyes and go back to a place in time and remember. Goliath was not a loss, for he taught me so much about lasting love. He was my true blessing in life........As time goes on, more and more of his love shines through me.

Through coming here and sharing in exchanges with others I have returned to a happy and healthy life again. My heart is full of the memories we shared with Goliath and I feel so blessed to ever have known such a love. Today I know he is "alive in me." The writers here know your kind of pain so well. It is here that we carry each other's hearts with tender love and care.

Lenny just passed a week ago so you are very raw with grief. You took on his pain so he didn't have to hurt any longer. We never get over missing them, but the pain of missing does get less hurtful given time. Keep coming back so that we can help each other. We truly do care about one another in this forum where there is inspiration to find hope and faith that leads to acceptance and peace.

The kisses you yearn to feel again will come when you and he are reunited in an everlasting place, I call Heaven. So though you say goodbye for now, one day you will say hello.

So much you have all written rings true here. I am so grateful for your thoughts and your stories. It helps. It gives me courage. It gives me hope.

I will post more about him, his life and the glorious times he shared with us. Many times I've thought and said that the greater the joy of having him, the greater the loss with his passing. But it's true, as has been wonderfully pointed out, that our shared love was much bigger than the sadness of our separation. And no, he wouldn't like to think that the big gift he had left us was unhappiness. He always wanted us to be happy - I must focus on that and try to antidote some of the darkest times with the light of his doggie smile.

He was a panter. In winter, in summer, he panted. It could mean he was hot, or excited, or happy or in pain. The tone and flavour of the panting varied, but - except in the last 2-3 weeks of his life - the quantity of panting did not. I cannot hear that pant now. But sometimes, maybe, I can still feel it. In my bones.

This site is helping me - and perhaps that's because those who really love others are actually the best of humanity. It can be easier to love our fellow creatures rather than fellow man sometimes - at least partly because they do, as we know, show unconditional love and devotion.

There is a buddhist story about a mother and her dead son. I'll post it later maybe somewhere appropriate here. Although I always liked the tale and thought I understood it, it is only through losing Lenny and finding this site that I truly see the wisdom of it.

I'm glad you have found comfort in the words you have seen here. We not only reply to a topic but we also read the other replies ahead of ours as we find a comfort in the words of others also, no matter how much time has passed.

I am also glad you will continue posting here as you will find some comfort in doing that especially when you are talking about some good memories of Lenny.

I have to comment that I could swear in your avatar picture that your Lenny is smiling...BIG TIME! It sure looks like a smile to me or even a laugh.

You mentioned him being a panter. I wondered...since I have had my beautiful doggies in my lifetime...if I remember...when a dog would look at me and pant.....his tail would be wagging at the same time. Does this sound familiar to you? Did Lenny do that also?

It is the good memories that make us smile that start the healing process....all taking time to do. I am thankful with my last baby, Little Guy who I had for over 16 1/2 years...the longest I've had a pet...that over 16 years was all good memories and only the last 2 months due to cancer was there sadness and worry so I have so many more memories of happy, healthy moments and if you want to see what a smile can do, just visit my pictures listed below and also my new shelter kitty, Lucky's pictures to which I have added "his" comments instead of mine. I am sure your 12 years with Lenny produced many of the same things....why just your avatar alone is priceless and I can feel his personality showing there as a happy, loving boy.

Again, welcome here and there are many here who care....looking forward to hearing from you about you and about Lenny.

LoveThem is so right when she talks about the comfort that is found here when talking about our sweet memories. She was the first one I came in contact with when I found this forum. The other thing she encouraged me to do was post pictures....and I did. Little by little my broken heart started to mend.

Though I miss Goliath soooooooooooo much, the painful feelings are gone. Once in awhile I slip back and hurt, usually when something else has upset me first. But I get right back on track and run back to this forum or go outside and enjoy all of God's wonderful creations.

Keep coming and sharing. It is here that we all help each other learn to love, live, and rejoice once again in all that we have loved.

I am really glad that this site is helping you to cope with your loss. It is a very difficult period for all of us here when we lose a furkid but eventually I think it sinks in that life does indeed go on. You may always feel the loss in various ways but this is not necessarily a bad thing. It lets you know that the bond you have with Lenny goes on even after death. When we are so close to a furkid it would worry me if there was not grief at their passing and an adjustment in our lives. You had the courage to say goodbye when there was nothing else to be done. This is the kindest gift you could have given Lenny after his life with you both. It takes a lot of fortitude to overcome the feelings that seem to overwhelm us at such a time and to do what is compassionate. Where Lenny is now I think he knows this on some level. As time goes by there will never be another Lenny but you will find other furkids who need a good home and who will bond with you. Each one is special in his/her own way. Good luck with handling the grief process and feel free to drop in here any time to work through your feelings. It's not being weak or silly to ask others who have traveled this road to listen. We all have holes in our hearts and understand the struggle to adjust to losses.

Life really does go on. See my Elvira and Ellen posts under 'New Beginnings' to see what I mean. I still miss Daddy Cat, Francis, Tommy, and Casper terribly but I am cheered up by the new scoundrels, though they are a couple of vixens! We have 7 other cats, some of whom are reaching that age where we may have to say farewell soon. It never gets easier to do this and I hope it never will.

Take care and all the best,
Ken Albin

Thank you LoveThem, yes Lenny was smiling. That pic was not his last smile, but it was the last one I caught with the camera. In the last few weeks of his life he did not smile or, unusually for him, pant.

He was not by nature a 'kissy' dog. When we first had him, we did not get licks. Well, I wasn't having that, so I taught him that we wanted kisses. He learnt well and was prolific. He wouldn't give kisses if he wanted something (goodby to the theory that they lick you to get food!) but would always take a large drink and profusely down you in licks afterwards.

the licks stopped of course. He couldnt even lap his water properly, and I think kisses were just impossible for him at the end. About 3 days before, he gave me three unexpected licks on the arm. It was my last kiss.

But not the last expression of love. He wanted us with him always, and even when he couldnt get up, he'd desperately try if he thought we'd gone out of the room. He was deaf (my theory was severe tinnitus) but he could feel vibrations on the floor and knew if we were off anywhere. He let us fuss him and stroke him and lay his head in my hands - and you could literally feel the love. But these were things which he was not interested in before, only when he was too sick to show his love in other ways.

Every thing I do has a link to him. I wake up and wonder if he's ok - then realize he's not there. I go to the bathroom and wonder if he'll push the door open. I got from one room to another and I expect him to be there. Even when I wash up, I always do his bowls first to ensure they are cleanest and available as quick as possible - it was always a major inconvenience for his water bowl to be unavailable! He did not approve! I go to the fridge and check the floor to see if I've dropped anything. The list goes on..... There's literally not a second when he is not in my thoughts.

It's not some obsession since his passing either. We always thought of him - his wellbeing etc - when we did anything. Open the front door and immediately on guard in case he pushes out. Don't even mention the goodnight or goodbye routine we'd established over the last 12 years..... Or the hello ones.

I am coping better. When I'm not, I'm worse, but I guess that's natural. It isnt something that will just pass. I'm so grateful that others have shared their experiences and grief. Apart from anything else, it means that there are others out there in the wild (and often unpleasant) world who give me hope for the future - a world full of animal lovers would have no war, no famine, no violence - only love. And of course, apart from that altruistic thought, I know I can say how I feel here without fear.

And how I feel at the moment is devestated. We're going back and forth to the hospital at the moment (mother in law has pnuemonia and extreme heart problems) which sometimes takes things off a bit, for an hour or two.

Lenny's Dad: I am glad to hear your stories of Lenny and his licks. Just remember that everything you are feeling is normal...a natural part of grieving.

You have said Lenny is always in your thoughts. Well that's because he is still a part of you..only now he is in your heart and will stay there safe forever. The bond and connection you formed over the years will never be broken and will always stay a part of you.

When we lose these babies that last part of being with them is the hardest to think about and can overwhelm us with grief. When you tell of a good memory that helps to forget the sad ones.
We really can't do anything about the sadness but we do know our special ones would never want us to be sad and as a tribute to them and to help ourselves cope, it is the good and special memories that we concentrate on and talk about. Those good times over the years is what they would want us to think about. From the pictures I have seen so far of Lenny...he really knows how to smile and it is a picture like that ....that can make us smile back.

You mention his last kiss. Remembering the good times..do you remember his first kiss? Or an unexpected kiss that you got without warning? I had my 16 years of good memories with my Little Guy and you had 12 years with Lenny which means we both have many, many..happy and healthy memories...those are what will get us through the pain and when enough time has gone by, maybe those will win out in the end. The more we can think about them and smile, the warmer we can feel inside..even if it is only for that moment.

Tell us some more stories about him that you feel good telling. Add more pictures to the Tribute you started for him and also put some here again. I find looking at a thread of mine that has pictures just takes on more meaning for me and reminds me more of the good memories.

I am glad you have come here and are sharing your thoughts. I have my pictures of my Little Guy in all my rooms and I feel a peace when I touch his face and tell him I miss him. Just for a short time...I allow the sadness in...but then I think of a happy memory and smile as I continue on.

Oh, LoveThem, I don't remember his first kiss - it was almost certainly an accident because he was not a 'kissy' boy. I taught him to kiss but can't remember the first one.

But kisses in general I remember well. I just had to lie on the floor and he'd be up as soon as he saw me, and proceed to literally flood me in kisses. I'd end up with wet hair afterwards, because he just kept going. And I let him. I tried desperately to store up those kisses for the time which I knew even then would come - in a year, in two years...... but never so soon. Only you can't really store the kisses, just the memory of them. But boy, do I remember them. I can feel them even now.

One of his favourite things was getting up time. We'd open the hall door and he'd push it hard and it would slam into the door stop. He'd rush down the hall and whack! do the same with the bedroom door ... Bang! Then he'd be on the bed and kissing you even if it involved standing on your hair or your stomach or whatever. That all stopped about 3 months ago - he couldnt negotiate the bed jump properly but we assumed it was just arthritis or old age. But he'd still bang the doors and rush down and find the leg or arm dangled by the side of the bed.

As a new pup he was not into kisses. But once he knew that we wanted them, he couldn't give enough. And if I woke him in the middle of the night, or interrupted play, or dinner - whatever - he'd still give me at least a token lick, as if to say 'ok, there you are, now let me get on with dog stuff'.

Thanks for that story about Lenny. I was picturing it all while reading and my smile just kept getting bigger.

Then when I was done reading I scrolled back up and saw Lenny smiling in your avatar with that tongue hanging out and remembering the story of the "licks" made me laugh.

Now I never got that kind of treatment from my cats but before they were born in my backyard to a feral mom.....I had dogs...big dogs...and I have many pictures of many tongues hanging out.
I think that is the way they smile..there always seems to be a gleam in their eyes..a sparkle.

I remember the licks I got. Special "kisses" from a special baby.

I can hear those doors of yours "banging" now. When you heard that...you KNEW what was coming, didn't you?

Even his "token" lick sounds sweet. What a precious boy to have as part of your life for those 12 years. We know it is never long enough. Good times are never long enough but we are so glad we had them...each year is a blessing we will never forget.

i dont know how i'm going to get thru this. Most of the day I was distracted - mother-in-law in hospital and we spent a good part of the day trying to work out if she can come home. But once we got home, ate food, and then wife and father in law settled down to watch a dvd, I started to give way again.

I was just in the family room on the floor where he died. Crying and hitting the floor. stupid, I know. I wanted to get to him but of course I cant. I guess it has to come out. lucky i can touch type, because i cant see the screen at the moment. when i was at school, I told them I wanted to be in the typing class. they looked suprised, probably because males didnt do typing. why they asked. could be useful I said. been in I.T. for 22 years and it was damn useful. not so useful as now when i cant see anything on the screen at all because i'm so teary eyed. He wouldnt approve of this. he'd be jumping up, pawing me, scratching me, and looking quizzically at me. he didnt like us upset. if only he could scratch me now - i'd be so happy. i so miss him and its so difficult. we have fur - kees are a bit like wool and can be spun. but furr isnt Lenny, even if it is his fur. i want my lenny but cant get to him. sorry for being like this but i cant help it.

i should say that lennys brother, charlie, lived with my parents in law next door. he died from cancer a year ago. he was the definitive cheeky chappy. he looked to me as his protector. i failed him too.... couldnt fix his problems either. guess i;m not much use to anyone really.

thanks for reading about us.

when we went on holiday last year we went to ta place called Bright in Victoraia australia. Lenny and Charlie were on holidays with us (of couse) and we were walking about 20 metres (about 50 feet). It took five minutes to do, because people kept stopping us to say 'arnt they lovely' and to pat and admire them. The boys we used to call them. five minutes to go about 10 seconds walk because people kept stopping us to admire them. it was always like that. Neither were brushed propery - lenny because hsi skin allergies made brushing a problem at times, and charlie because he wasnt our dog to care for. but despite that, they oozed love, loved being with us, and being on holiday. Lenny was due for a 2week holiday in September but hospitalization of the parents-in-law made us miss it. he never got to go.

well i suppose i better stop. i trust i had my fingers right. touch typing is fine but one misplaced finger can cause havoc. i may have to apologise tomorrow. at the moment i feel that tomorow will never come, that i dont even want it to. but i must carry on because i know, n my heart, that Lenny wants us to get thru this. He never wanted us unhappy. which i am at the mment. so i must try. for him.

your so kind to rread this (assuming anyone does). hope it makes some sort of sense.

It does make perfectly good sense. We all have been there and know the how the grief can escalate and then drop again. UP-DOWN-UP-DOWN-SORTA UP-UP-DOWN. Your loss is still very recent....let those tears come. I thought I would never stop crying after Goliath passed away. (At times I still cry.) More often now I can smile and be happy with what he left me.

For me, when there are other stressful issues going on around me they can trigger some of that pain. After a few months after Goliath left with the angels a friend of mine sort of personalized my absence. (apparently she didn't know just how much I was grieving for my baby boy) Here I was finally in a spot when I was actually feeling much better and here she comes and confronts me about why I am not around like I had done something wrong. I was so hurt and shocked that she made my absence all about her, that I regressed right back to where I started.

It would be nice if it just kept getting easier as we work through the grief and sadness we experience through death. But the reality is..............periodically we are going to run into obstacles that disturb us.

All I can say to you is just keep coming. No matter what you have to say or how you type, we will recognize your cry for understanding. Hang in there.................we all help each other and care about each other. Coming here is like having an extended family for me. I am not alone...............and neither are you.

Lenny's Dad,

I just dropped by here for awhile today (mainly due to some of those triggers of grief that cause fresh waves, no matter how long it's been; over 20 months for me now) and have read your story about your dear Lenny and the great love you all brought out in each other. I can certainly relate, especially to how every moment, every action, every habit and routine, every sight, smell, etc. is connected to your loved one's life with you, and how incredibly hard it is to have those all torn away from you. My life was the same with my two beloved kidlets (Nissa & Sabin - my avatar), including down to their homemade food-making, kisses galore from my girl (but it was HER natural desire that started it and I, being a kissy person, too, got my dream fulfilled in her), and much, much more that I won't detail again here. (Luckily for me, they didn't require anywhere NEAR as large an amount of food as your Lenny did, though, so we only had to do this job once/year, not monthly! )

Your dedication to (and from) Lenny is abundantly clear, as is the depth of your daily and lifetime relationship with him. That's rarer than you might think and is something to honour, cherish and be ever so proud of. Death does not end a relationship, despite the physical passing of someone we love beyond all measure. In fact, physical loss often increases our love for that individual, and so I take some small measure of comfort from knowing that love is not only not lost but will still have a life of its own that grows and evolves, just as it did when my beloveds were physically still here, and which, further, helps both them and me to continue to spiritually evolve.

I thought you might like to read the Bill of Rights for Grieving Animal Lovers, in case you've never seen it. It can be found at this link here. It was written by the celebrated bereavement counselor, Marty Tousley, whose own life path into her specialty grew out of the loss of her darling dog, Muffin, several years ago. She, too, still sheds tears over him at times, so she's well aware of how grief often lasts a lifetime, even if it eases in intensity over time and with dedicated grief work. In fact, her loss was so great to her, it took her 3 years before she could even speak of it to anyone. She'd also lost human family members, including one of her babies (human), which tells you just how profound and deeply-felt our furkids' passings can be for many of us. I hope it helps to know there are others who share such a strong. intense and spiritual bond with other-specied family members and who honour and respect the natural reactions that we call grief and mourning when we are faced with their physical departure. (I've posted a number of articles and interviews with Marty, if you check out either my posts or other forums, or use the "search" feature with her name; being in IT, I'm sure you can find things quickly) The animal communicator and grief counselor, Teresa Wagner, also is a real treasure for understanding our grief, so you might view some of her contributions to this as well. And Kim Sheridan's a real kindred spirit, too. See her "Animals And The Afterlife" book at her websites here, and here., as well as Sharon Callahan, Penelope Smith, and countless others.

But many of us also know that they never truly leave. They are not JUST in our hearts, as the popular phrase goes, but actually still around, though most of us can't normally see them with what we've come to believe is our limited range of eyesight. This is changing now though, and some people are now becoming able to access those infrared spectrums of light, enabling them to physically see more of the fullness of what truly surrounds us, including our loved ones in spirit/light form. I know it doesn't assuage our incredible longing to touch, hold, feel and watch them with love and delight anymore, but it's still something, and something quite grand that I'm sure will eventually lead to much more grandness and comfort. So Lenny is still with you, somehow, some way and if you're open to it, he'll let you know, somehow, some way....to give you strength and reassurance and still, unendingly and forever, his great, furry love.

I actually lay on the floor, pounded our tiles, and kicked and screamed. Really lost it. It didn't help. It didn't relieve any tension, or make me feel like i'd expressed some critical emotion. Got a saw throat and sinus infection as a result though.

I keep coming back to the question of how it all could possibly have happened. Even when I go through it in my mind, I still can't believe it. I don't think it helps that I'm 'distracted' so much by the other events in life. I am not dealing with it properly. I even, sometimes, think I am coping. Ha! lies lies lies. Because as soon as I look at his picture, I know I'm not coping.

But i'm still trying. and that's the important thing. His legacy is to have made our lives better. I am constantly reminding myself that despite the way I feel now, his gift to us was - is - incredibly bigger and more wonderful.

You learned from what you did is that...it didn't work. But if you feel like doing it, you have to try..just to see what happens.

You wonder how it could have happened....that is something decided by someone other than we who inhabit this planet. The only way I have found to deal with such devastating grief is I truly believe that when it is our special one's time to leave us...we have no control over that happening. We will try our best for them...the vet will try his best for them....but it will be taken out of everyone's control and happen anyway. That helps me to "accept" what happened and know it was meant to be and I am thankful I was able to make it as peaceful as possible..for him...not for me. I hate everything about our babies being taken away but I realize we are helpless before fate's decisions.

Deciding to "accept" what happened makes me realize that no matter how hard I cry, or cry out his name, none of that makes me feel better because none of that will bring him physically back to me. His soul and spirit are a part of me that will be with me forever but there is nothing I can touch except a picture or a bit of his fur..still soft and alive.

It also helps to really realize we are not alone in this pain. Everyone here has this devastation in their lives and knowing there are others who know exactly how we feel, how we hurt......makes us know this is not unique to us....this pain is the end result of loving these special ones who come into our lives offering unconditional love forever. One mom said: the pain of losing her will never ever be greater than the joy of knowing her. She is so right. I would NEVER give up having any of the ones who have been in my life....to avoid the sad ending. In my case, Little Guy was with me over 16 1/2 years....I had over 16 years of beautiful healthy loving happiness. At the end, when it was his time to go, we had a terribly sad few months. But I would take him into my life again as the kitten he was, even realizing there is never a happy ending but I am so grateful for the time we have together....I cannot dwell on what had not happened yet.

So since I cannot change what happened...I have to live with it...and he was worth everything to me. So I do what I think makes me feel better. I can break down and cry.....and get a little relief..but I also know that doesn't change anything and it is so physically draining to do that. Some people can cope on their own.....I have found before and I did find this time that my empty home did nothing to help me cope. My distraction was to bring home an abandoned 2 year old cat from the local shelter. He is so thrilled to have a home...he makes me feel good again. I still have my boy's pictures in every room and also he is my desktop picture so when I turn my computer on and off....I look right into his eyes and inside send him my love everyday that way. The first time I ever had to make the final decision many years ago was for a 3 year old female golden boxer/shepherd and what got me through the loneliness when I came home was I had just gotten an 8 week old female shepherd puppy who was waiting for me..not knowing what happened but loving me just the same. I remembered that this time when my home became empty after over 16 years and it has helped again...a lot.

We all have to search inside us and try to figure out what we need to do or think or feel ...to cope with such a terrible loss. Not all answers are the same but many have similar threads running through them.

It might help you to also reread your threads here and the replies you have gotten...sometimes reading a reply at a later date strikes a chord that earlier had passed by.

Take care and remember there are many here who care and are listening.

today is not my best. to be really honest, i've thought of suicide many times despite the fact that I firmly disagree with it. but i'm not coping and right now anything is better than this. in a year, ten years, a hundred years, i wil be glad i didn't do anything. but at the moment, only the fact that I have no certain way of achieving it is stopping me. i have no idea of any way that's going to be certain so i am unwilling to try only to end up in hospital or something. deep down i know ists wrong and totally against my belief but at the moment im stuck in a wave of dpression because i cannot get ot my sweet dog. it will pass agin.

i'm only posting this because there are others who might feel this way. it does pass. every time it passes. but at the time it is so painful. hang in. cry, shout, whatever. but hang in there. i know that my Lenny doesn't want me to feel bad. i know that i've had so many wonderul times with him. its the same with others. hang in there.

i thank god i havnet any easy options because i'd take them. because i havnt i'll live NOT to regret it. but its so hard. so vry hard. but we owe it to our darlings to carry on.

Lenny's Dad' it really breaks my heart reading your post today I wish I was near you to at least put a hand on your shoulder and tell you how much sorry I am and that am also with you on your sorrows, hang in there my friend and let me know please if there is anything I could do for you, Buster and Jorge.

I felt much the same as you are now feeling. For the first two months after Goliath passed away my world felt empty. I was stuck in a deep dark lonely place where only the most agonizing pain and grief became worse and worse each day. Finally I got down on my hands and knees and asked for a miracle and my prayer was answered. I found this site. Just before I came here I came to realize that I just could not go on existing any longer the way I was. A deep dark oppressive spirit had taken me captive. I knew I needed to find a way to freedom in living somehow some way. So, I decided to seek some professional guidance from a therapist while I still was hanging on by a bare thread. Before I went to see her I stumbled upon LS and it became my lifeline of hope.

For me, I had to come here every single day. Most times I came here a dozen or more times. All the deep grief and sorrow that was trapped inside of me slowly but surely began to leave me. Today I still miss my Goliath just as much.....but not the excruciating kind of pain I once did. It's been nearly 7 months now that my baby boy went to Heaven and I thank God everyday for having blessed me with such an everbound love as ours is and was. I will love Goliath til the day after forever.

Keep coming Lenny's Dad. There is hope and inspiration for all of us. I can't......HE can.......I will..........let HIM.

I understand the grief, it was extremely intense for me also. But its been over a month since your first post and indications are your grief is getting worse instead of subsiding. Based on your above quote and the prolonged emotional stress subjected on your body, i would strongly recommend professional counseling as your own health appears to be in jeopardy.
As helpful as these public forums may be for some of us, they do have their limitations.
Take care of yourself Lenny's Dad, losing a be-loved pet should not be in the long run, the end of the world for any of us!
-Ken

I am sorry you are having that overwhelming pain that is so hard to shake. I know what you mean about a way out and then thinking what if it didn't work. In my lifetime, I have had those thoughts and what stopped me was I could wind up paralyzed or something worse...no..that is not the answer at all.

I went back and read your thread here from the beginning and I did see some acceptance of everything that's happened and you did get some very good replies. I also see I suggested once that you go back and reread your topic from the beginning and see just how many hearts have reached out to help you because we all know that pain too well.

It does take time for the pain to lessen. And you are right that Lenny would not want you so sad. He did not want to leave you any more than you wanted to let him go. The only way I lessen my pain is believing that when it is their time to go, there is nothing we can do to stop it. The people that don't have a best friend like this never know the pain because they never know the unconditional love that comes from having a sweetheart like this in our lives. I would never give up the years of happiness, of health that all my babies had over the years ..to avoid the pain at the end. As one mom has said: The pain of losing him will NEVER ever be greater than the joy of knowing him.

You might think about looking at some Keeshond puppies or just a young one that needs a home. Lenny loved you so very much he wants you to be happy and if he can't be with you, then it is okay to open your home and heart to one who needs your love and to give you their love. I had to do that because I could not stand an empty home.....my grief was too big and I could not cope with emptiness too. I adopted a shelter cat who was abandoned and he is a distraction that can make me smile again. He is not and never will be a replacement for my baby boy, Little Guy, because that special bond cannot be replaced but my new boy keeps me busy and I don't have to cry as much and he takes nothing away from my special one because I have pictures in all my rooms and also my Little Guy is on my computer as my desktop wallpaper so each day I turn the computer on and off....I am looking into his eyes and I remember the love. My tribute to him is to never forget him and make him a part of my life again in the only way I can...through pictures and memories. And it is also a tribute to him that I wanted one who looks very much like him and at times I almost think I am holding him again.

Take Care and know it does take time and that's why you try to fill that time with good memories..and, for me, I had to have that unconditional love in my life again..and his name is Lucky.

Hugs, Lenny's Dad.....I too have lost beautiful wonderful dogs in my lifetime and I still am glad they were in my life...their presence and love is worth the sadness that we cannot escape from...it is part of the package. I prefer to remember the good parts of that package.

I too know that gnawing feeling, sort of a vast hopelessness as far as you can comprehend. After I lost Oliver, I entertained those thoughts, not seriously enough to alarm anyone, but many times I felt kind of a "what's the point to even existing." It definitiely made me less scared of death, to be with loved ones doesn't feel scary at all. However, only you know whether you are coping with extreme loss in a progressive manner (baby steps -2 forward, 1 back- all the time for me) or not. Personally, I started taking some meds that I weaned myself off at the beginning of this year, sort of a pre-emptive thing.

The fact is that you have lost someone great and it sucks. Crying and hurting are completely normal, express them how and whenever you feel the need. On my way home from work on my awful day, I screamed and punched my steering wheel most of the way home. Coming here is good, because it confirms that people understand and sharing stories, good and bad, helps in coming to terms with the adjustment. I lost Oliver on May 6 and it is still something that is always on my mind to varying degrees. I had him for 12 years too and this has made other hard times in my life look like child's play. I'd go back in a minute, only because during those rough times, I had someone around who loved me and who I loved that I don't physically have anymore.

My family developed quickly over 12 years ago. I knew in my early 20's that deep down I might be making it hard on myself at some point to have pets all the same age. The thought still scares the living daylights out of me, but if I could go back to my 20-something self, I wouldn't change having them for anything (most likely I would tell me not to worry about this and that, just concentrate on those that matter, because as much as you shudder to think of the future loss, one day it becomes real.) I am sure you feel the same, regardless of the enormous loss, you would do it all over again in a heartbeat and as bad as it hurts, it is indeed part of the package. Two, twelve or twenty years, it is never enough. But all of us have a fixed amount of time left. Take comfort in knowing how lucky the two of you were to have met each other considering the odds and combos possible, and that your lives were infinitely better off for it. Hugs to you in your grief,

Oliver's mama (Sarah)