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Hi there.
My name is Jamie and i was a owner of a beautiful 4 yr. old doberman named A.J.
I just had to put him down on Friday, July 30th due to an illness called DCM.
I cant stand this guilt and hurt and numbness all over me. I keep feeling like i made the wrong choice, that i should of waited a couple more days. Im so sick to my stomach that i vomited when i got home. I need to stop this torchure that im doing to myself. I just feel like i disappointed him by killing him. I know i didnt kill him, but i brought him to the vet and signed for him to be put down. I just wish i could convince myself i did the right thing. Everyone says i did the best for him. I still dont think so. I CANT STAND IT!!! I miss him SO much! I cant breath at times cause i get so upset about him. I just want him home again.
I feel so guilty,sick,upset,misserable,regret........i just want him back!

I am so sorry for your loss. The guilt seems to go hand in hand with the grief when you are forced to make this tough choice. A.J. was ill, and if the vet thought there was any hope for him, he/she would have outlined the options for you. Nobody likes to make this decision, but if you had kept A.J. alive for a few days or weeks, you would have been doing it for you, not for him. You didn't kill A.J. You made a choice to free him from pain, suffering and decreased quality of life - that was love, not killing. A.J. would not want to see you punishing yourself so much, but would want you to remember the wonderful times that the two of you shared. You gave him a good home and a lot of love. It is tragic that he got ill so early in his life, but he knew you cared about him. You both loved each other, and that is what truly matters. Please don't be so hard on yourself. You were unselfish and very loving to let him go.

Dee Dee

Thankyou for your words and taking the time to read what i had to say.
What you said helps,but i think its gonna take time for me to erase my guilt.
Thankyou so much again for your help!

oh dobielover--I am so sorry! What your AJ had was too serious for anyone to be able to spare him.
From what I know CDM, Dilated cardiomyopathy affects the left and right sides of the heart. The heart loses its ability to contract and pump blood out to the body or the lungs. What would have happened without intervention would have been a great deal of suffering for your beloved pet.
I am sure it is difficult for you to picture his suffering because you are remembering AJ in a relatively healthy state. Most of us have never seen an animal struggle endlessly for air (thank goodness). What would have happened to your wonderful friend is that he would have actually "drowned" in fluids that fill up in the chest. You loved him and did not want to put him through that. From what I understand this would have happened quite quickly so you definately made the correct decision.

AJ never had a concept of "tomorrow" or "next week"--those are human concepts. So you do not need to be worried that "time" was taken from him. He never knew what "time" was, so he was not deprived of time. YOU on the other hand are now deprived of your best buddy. That is so hard and all of us here really do "feel your pain"--everyone of us knows precisely what you are describing when you detail how awful you feel. But try to remember that the decision was made for HIS benefit. not yours. One poster here states it like this: you take on the pain so that your great friend can be relieved of his.

Everyone here knows you would have rather laid down in front of a train or taken a bullet for your best friend--but instead you had to paradoxically agree to terminate his life. It was the only thing you could do and in the days to come please begin to congratulate yourself for "taking the high road". You could have allowed your pet to suffer so that you could have "had him"--but it would have just been a short while and then he would have been in terrible pain. What a great responsible owner you are that you put yourself second and AJ first! It is doubly hard that your pet was so young.

When you can read some of the articles above these discussion threads and also start thinking about posting a photo or a tribute. These things help you to heal, and don't forget you've got friends here who will never "minimize" how much something like this hurts. My heart goes out to you. {{{{{{{{{{dobielover}}}}}}}}}}}}
love,
Patti

Hello Jamie:

I am very, very sorry for the loss of your beloved A.J.

I have owned "only fur-cats", never "fur-dogs", but, either 'fur-pet', (any family pet), is a very much loved family member.

I know that DCM is "Dilated Cardiomyopathy", and it's my understanding that it is only "treatable for awhile"...

Like deedee said, "You did not kill your precious A.J.------you gave him a wonderful gift and decided to set him free of
all pain & suffering".
Yes, IT IS THE HARDEST AND MOST PAINFUL DECISION THAT ONE CAN EVER MAKE, BUT, I KNOW THAT IF YOUR
A.J. COULD SAY, "THANK YOU", I CERTAINLY KNOW THAT HE WOULD...

On February 7, 2004, Ben and I made the decision that it was time to have our beautiful girl, Ernestine, put to sleep.
She was our tortoiseshell calico....And, she was suffering terribly. It wasn't right -- she was in so much agony.....and, even though I had prayed for God to take her....that wasn't to be....
So, we needed to help her on her journey..

After the veterinarian was finished, I cried, and I just couldn't stop.... Yes, Ben and I missed her terribly!!!!
I didn't cry all of the time............sometimes, "I'd surprise myself, and find myself laughing over some of the very cute things that she used to do!!!!"

But, a very wise and wonderful person on this site wrote to me......

DENISE, YOU TOOK ON ERNESTINE'S PAIN SO THAT SHE COULD FINALLY BE WITHOUT PAIN!!!!

I share that one sentence MANY TIMES, BECAUSE IT IS THE ONLY THING THAT MADE SENSE TO ME, AT A TIME WHEN NOTHING IN THIS WORLD MADE SENSE!!!!!

Jamie, for you, it has only been 3 short, and I am sure, very, very SAD days since your beloved A.J. has been gone....

The pain is awful....both physical and psychological!!!!

I remember that I had a violent migraine, I was nauseaus, my heart was killing me ---- it felt like someone had taken a
serrated knife and stabbed me in the chest.
I "just felt like I COULD NOT DEAL - I COULD NOT COPE!!!!"

Everyone here at Lightning-Strike "KNOWS EXACTLY HOW YOU ARE FEELING!!!" You can be sure that you are among a huge group of friends --- just like a big family....
And, it's good to get everything off of your chest. Please, write as much as you want, and as often as you need to!!

I remember that for MANY, MANY DAYS, I would just stay on this site, and I would type & type ---- Not sure if I was making any sense at all...
But, the wonderful people here told me that "you are doing exactly what you need to be doing"...

I am sorry that A.J. was sooooooo young.......but, with the disease he had, from what I understand, the veterinarian's can only help to a point --

You gave him a beautiful gift, and that was, to let him go to a place where there is no sickness -- no pain....

It's surely THE HARDEST THING THAT YOU'LL PROBABLY EVER HAVE TO DO, BUT REALLY, IT IS THE MOST LOVING!

I hope that you will be very gentle with yourself, Jamie. One day, in the future - (and, sometimes, it's sooner than one would think)......you will find that you will start thinking of A.J. with smiles.....even through your tears.

And please, keep coming here. Read several posts... Pick a person's name, and check out all of their posts, from the beginning to the most recent..... That's what I did - it's only a suggestion...
Just do whatever you feel comfortable with..

And, keep writing everything and anything that you need to. We are all here to listen, and to help!! Please, KNOW THAT WE ALL CARE ABOUT YOU......

I'll tell you, I would NOT be where I am today if I didn't come to LS and say everything that I needed to (and, I still do)..

God Bless you!!

We'll talk again.
Peace & Love,

Denise

Denise,
Thankyou Thankyou so much!
What you wrote was wonderful.
It is gonna take so much time, but i will eventually get through it.
What you said about
"YOU TOOK ON ERNESTINE'S PAIN SO THAT SHE COULD FINALLY BE WITHOUT PAIN!!!!
I guess i took on A.J's pain so now he is finally FREE of all his pain & suffering.
Thankyou..i never thought of it that way.
God bless, and again.....thanks!
Jamie

In memory of our beloved dog
A.J Oddball Mantia aka (Fred or Pup!)
December 29th 1999-July 30th 2004

Gingerspal,
Oh god, thankyou so much too!
Everyone here is great....so great.
I appreiciate all of you taking time out to confort me.
A STRANGER!
God bless each and everyone one of you.
Its a terrible thing to have to go through.
But for some reason i was meant to come to this site and get the support.
Everyone is helping me, THANKYOU THANKYOU THANKYOU!

In memory of our beloved dog
A.J Oddball Mantia aka (Fred or Pup!)
December 29th 1999-July 30th 2004

Dobielover,
I am so sorry for your loss....you are definitely among friends here. Denise and Patti said everything so perfectly......
Everyone here on this board knows what you are going through. Even though I realize you can't help but feel the
guilt right now, please know that you did the most unselfish, humane thing imaginable - and you did it out of LOVE....

God Bless,

Karen

dobielover--you feel like I did when I came here--like these folks are so nice and caring---and here they are "strangers"! but I was quickly set straight--we're not strangers at all because we have experienced what you are right now, and that makes us kindred spirits. My cat (that is him in my avatar) was run over in our own driveway. He lived for a week after surgery and I had so many hopes that he would pull through. Alas, he did not, and my heart was broken in two.

In my "real life" many people were compassionate but none of them really could empathize REALLY. Here you'll find people who are literally "in the same shoes". We all still remember most keenly how painful it is, expecially in the very beginning, to lose your best buddy. I continue to glean valuable information from the posters here...today I read that one person's vet told her that her departed pet will "remain" with her "until he knows that you're alright"! I loved that thought because I have often felt Ginger's presence, especially at the beginning of the process. What you do now, of course, is start a new chapter in your life without your companion.

Likewise your AJ begins his new chapter too, he is now at the rainbow bridge, jumping and playing and cavorting all around like the beautiful perfect animal that he is. He doesn't have any pain now and he is frolicking all around just waiting for the day when he will be re-united with you.He loves you and wants you to focus on all that was positive about your special relationship (he must have been fun to be given the affectionate name "oddball"). You're sure to cry the healing tears, but one of these days your tears will be replaced with smiles.

thinking of you!
Patti

Jamie,
I'm so sorry about your loss! You're in my thoughts and prayers tonight and will continue to be.
Wow, Patti and Denise (and everyone else here) did say everything perfectly. I'm glad it's comforting. And I honestly believe it's true, that your baby is in perfectly bliss now. No pain of any kind, and no concept of time or space. That's an earthly concept we have, since we're confined to these physical bodies. He's with you now (just not in his body).
I'm glad you're here. We're all helping each other through our grief.
-Kathy

Dear Dobielover,

Everyone here has said things so perfectly there is little to add. I am deeply deeply sorry for your loss ... we here understand only too well what you are going through and the guilt associated with it. My Snoops was diagnosed with a brain tumor and luckily I did get a few more months with him before that final day. I had the same thoughts you are having now ... I robbed Snoops of time .. I killed him etc. The thing is ... you didn't kill him. That decision was made by someone/something else when AJ became sick. What AJ had was terminal and nothing in this world was going to change that. The only thing you are guilty of is loving AJ enough that you spared him the pain and suffering that nature had in store for him. You gave him that last loving gift and it was a gift. The easiest thing would have been to let nature take its course but because of the great love you have for AJ you made sure that he didn't suffer. This is such a special thing. I know this is hard to see right now but believe me you did the right thing. It took me many many months before I could see this.

A friend of mine shared a little trick to help me get through the rough spots. When the tears come and the pain seems almost unbearable ... think of the funny things that AJ did that made you laugh. Those moments that made you smile. Eventually, you will find that these memories will help mitigate the pain a bit. It is a really hard thing to do at first but it does work.

My heart is breaking for you right now ... I wish I could do more. Just remember we are all here for you ... feel free to post whatever you want. You will find nothing but support here.

Hugs,
Beth

I lost my dog Sonnet on June 12th and it took a few weeks for me to find this very helpful site. These people are all very supportive and understanding. Sonnet had severe arthritis and the vet and I thought it best to relieve her pain and not to keep her here for me. So as the others said, (Sonnet) is no longer in pain but now I have to get over mine. The first week was indeed the hardest. I even mistakenly foster-homed a great dog for 2 weeks for a rescue group but found I wasn't ready for another dog yet and that it actually hampered my grieving. I still take "our walks" after work and before bedtime as I found that to be helpful but I have trouble sleeping now and I do cry many times. It was just the 2 of us, and the house is very empty without Sonnet here. We did everything together and she was always in the same room as I was. It's hard to do things where she would have been involved with me in but I have to say that I think some of those things are getting easier to do. Like one person said to me here, it's 2 steps forward and 1 step back but be good to yourself, you just lost your best friend. I hope this helps you. It's just going to take time but we all have each other...
Sonnet

Thankyou SO SO SO much to EVERYONE AGAIN who took the time to help me through this tough time.
It has been 4 days and still it hurts SO bad!
But reading what everyone has wrote to me cheers me up little by little.
Thankyou again!
As soon as i can figure it out, i will post pictures of my best friend...A.J
Thankyou!!!!
Jamie(dobielover)

Dear Jamie:

I am glad that you are feeling a tiny bit better, my friend...

It does help a lot to read and then re-read what people have said to you, in response to your initial post....
Everyone here at LS wants you to know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!

This place, Lightning-Strike, to me has always felt like "a miracle" ! After I first posted on 2/8/2004....and "RECEIVED A RESPONSE"..... Wow! I just knew that I had found an extremely special place, where
people really cared, and "they" actually cared enough to write me back with comfort & love!!!

Like you said, "it has been 4 days and still it hurts SO bad!" It is still so very, very early!!! Each day, even if you feel a tiny bit better.....that is just fine.

I know that none of us will ever forget our very special "furbaby" families....or "scaly", "finned", "winged" babies....
("Our babies" are not always the "furry kind"..)

I found so much help and healing through reading other's posts....... From "their beginning
post to their most recent post".
It just helped me to understand how "someone gets through such an unbearable loss".....
And, I am happy to know now, that "I did get through it"..
I didn't "get through it by myself", but I did "get through it with the help of lots of people on this site", and my "at home/in person family"....

There are alot of people 'out there' have lost their "furbabies", or perhaps have a "sick furbaby", and they haven't yet felt "ready to post anything" or, perhaps they just don't want to come onto a site. That's actually, quite normal.....

Which is why I am really glad that a place this Lightning-Strike exists........ We can be here for one another - to love, to help, to comfort...... And, at the very same time, we can help others who don't feel ready to "post their story", or for others who "just can't post it".... It's a very hard thing to "talk about"....

I know that they are finding much comfort and love through what "we are all writing to one another.....
And, when those people "feel ready to post about their loss", we will be ready to welcome all of them with
open arms..........

If you had to come to a pet grief site, Jamie, I am very happy that it was this one....
Here, you won't be alone....and, there is always someone to give you a very big hug!!

Goodnight & God Bless you!!!

You are in my thoughts and in my prayers!!!!!

Love, Denise

Oh, Jamie. I am so sorry for your loss. It was actually my reading of your story that caused me to register and share my own loss at this site. It is so wonderful to know that people have read your story and they tell you "You did well." We are all so filled with guilt that we need to hear that from other human beings. My loss is as fresh as yours is and I spend the day alternating between being "okay" and bursting into tears. I'm telling myself that is okay. Something I need to do. And so do you. It is only by feeling our grief that we get to the other side of it. I share your pain, Jamie. We all do. It means you are one of those very special people who has so much love he/she is willing to take on the pain of adopting a (can I say non-human creature?) and literally fulfilling all of his/her needs. What an outstanding thing to do! I know so many people who will not adopt a pet because they don't want to bear the pain. You made the choice that the love and joy you could share with your pet was worth the pain that you knew you would feel some day.

Reading the posts today helped me A LOT! I realized that it was simply my Arnold's time to go. It was my wish to help him live if that is what was meant to be, but to acknowledge God's greater design if this was truly my Arnold's time. Your situation was a bit different in that you had to make the decision. The bottom line is that none of us wants our little baby to suffer. I received the "report" from the animal hospital today. The last lines indicated that he (Arnold) passed quickly and with no pain. I needed to know that. And that is what you wanted, ultimately, for your baby. You did the right thing. Every day will bring both of us closer to acceptance. Every day will bring us both to a place where we remember the sweet funny things are sweeties did without the burning, bitter pain. I know. I've lost a beloved pet before, although it was many years ago. I know we can get through this.

I haven't posted or been on the site much lately. I've been on here for a couple of hours this a.m., though and have to go for now. I just want to say I am so sorry, and I understand. I will write again later in detail. I too went (and still periodically do) go through so much guilt. I still struggle with this. You may have read my posts and the wonderful replies I got from all the caring people here. If not, you may want to as they helped me very much, even though, like I said, I still have tended to "relapse" from time to time.

Marcia
Baby Hannah's Mom and Babe's Mom

Hello again to everyone who has been helping me through this.
Finally got a pic of my A.J...its REALLY big!
Still trying to figure this whole add a picture thing(bare w/me)
Well,today has been one week since i had to put my precious A.J down.
So far im doing ok. I will be able to go to the vet today and pick up his ashes.
I had a really bad day yesterday.
MAJOR BREAK DOWN!
I dont know what happened but i couldnt take it.
GUILT GUILT GUILT!!!
WHAT IF'S!!!!!!!
THE I SHOULD HAVES!!!!
It was bad!
But when i spoke with my 8 year old son, he said something that i think made me relize something i didnt want to or could see.
He said A.j eyes looked sick,and that he didnt act like he used to.
He was a different dog.
Maybe thats what i needed to hear? From an 8 yr.old?
I keep going back to last friday and picturing my dog.
Was he asking me to spare him?....or to save him?
Was there signs telling me to do it or not to do it?
Someone told me i should talk w/the vet.
Do i wanna hear what he has to say.
Would it be closure for me?
Is this normal the way im reacting?
I feel like i have so much guilt because im guilty!
I made the wrong choice. The pit of my stomach...aches!
I feel like i cannot breathe! This is making me sick!
Well another day today.....lets see how it goes.
Jamie

This is very normal, even those lucky ones that did not have to make the decision feel guilty.

We humans love to punish ourselves - put ourselves down - criticise ourselves.

I went through all this just over a year ago and believe me every guilty heart wrenching tear that you will experience is normal.

Your heart made the decision to send A J home it’s your brain that’s now trying to make sense out of it all.

Love
Sue

Jamie,

He's beautiful . . .

I went and talked to all of the last three of Hannah's vets, including the one who put her to sleep. It helped some -- I would do it again, go talk to them that is. I actually may because I still don't understand why none of them recommended any kind of treatment for her. It still upsets me so very much that they didn't, and that I didn't ask if there was something we could do about her heart murmur.

Also, even though it's almost four months' since, I can still suddenly think of something that I did or didn't do during her entire 16 years that I just start obsessing about. I am still having pretty major problems too. Once I get going, I can't seem to stop myself.

I have talked to two counselors -- neither helped very much really, although I'm sure there some that can be very helpful. I have read several books and articles that helped some too.

For you, it's still so fresh. It was either a week or maybe two before I had my first major guilt episode and I went running to the vets' offices. I actually called all of her vets today and requested her records. I will pour over them, I know, to see what I did and did not do, etc. I seem to be unable to stop myself from this self-defeating behavior.

I was awake most of last night thinking about how Hannah had that bad arthritis. She always slept with me, so I never got her her own bed. When I left for work or anything in the winter, I left our down comforter on the floor with a pillow and one of my shirts and the heaters on and everything. But to save my life, I can't remember what I did before that . . . I'm sure I left a shirt or something down for her, but I should have gotten her a bed, a special bed, but I didn't. I could have made that easier on her. I don't think I left a pillow for her, so it would have just been the carpet and maybe sometimes a rug. That is just killing my soul. I know it had been more than a year since she was able to jump up on the bed. I can't understand how or why I let this be the case. So, I have been really upset since late yesterday afternoon about this, and was hardly able to sleep last night.

One thing I think is that somehow those of us feeling this way can get all the wonderful support, understanding, compassion and reassurance in the whole world, and although it helps, ultimately we are going to have to find a way to come to terms with it all in our own minds. It's just like if you don't feel pretty or thin or smart or self-worth, etc., no one can convince you otherwise. Same thing, I think.

I'm trying to figure out a way that we can help ourselves work through this. Some of the books I've read have suggestions. One thing that occurred to me today when I again wondered why I didn't ask if there was something that could be done to treat the heart murmur (except, of course, I assumed if there had been something, the 3 vets would have told me my options!) -- both my parents died in intensive care after surgery, several of my relatives and people I know have died, and it seems to me that there was really no help for them, so maybe I just ASSUMED that with Hannah because that's pretty much the way it was with everyone else, since my mom died when I was 23,and it seems to have been that way ever since. I don't know . . .

And as far as hearing that from your son, it's amazing, isn't it, that children can see what we can't? Also, you know when you're with someone every day, you just don't see. That's natural. I am sorry that I don't have much advice -- all I can really do is try to share your anguish because I feel it too. I know that sickness in the pit of your stomach, the ache in your heart, the "I just want my baby back . . ." We all understand so well.

I have to go again. I am going to meet with a group that helps homeless animals here to see what I can do to help. I cannot help little Hannah now. Oh how I wish I could. I'll never be able to "make anything up to her," and that thought keeps wanting to hold me back and just suffer and suffer over it. I know somehow I have to keep on going and help other animals because I was so very blessed, as someone here recently said, to have had her at all. She was the most precious gift I ever had in my life.


I'll write again soon.
Marcia
Baby Hannah's Mom and Babe's Mom

dobielover, the photograph is wonderful--your AJ was a beauty indeed!
For him to be so ill so soon in life had to have been such a shock to you! How could you have ever guessed that it would be such a serious problem? You had to have felt completely blindsided with the news that your pet had to be put to sleep so young. Most of us here did get to have our animals a considerable amount of time more that you were permitted to spend with AJ..and yet I am certain you bonded with him and felt immense love for him! Ginger was only about 8 but he "should" have lived at least to 12 or 13 (according to what I wanted!) but I am betting that even at 12 or 13 I would have been completely torn up, like you are, if I had to say ok to terminating his life. There just are no cir%%stances EVER as a pet owner that we are going to be satisfied with when it comes to "the end".

When you write about what AJ was thinking you are projecting human qualities into him that he could not possibly have. We humans tend to do that, it is normal for us to do that. But animals do not think like we do. Their concepts are much different than ours. You know, even in human relationships we can not tell what others are thinking. We must ask others for verification of what we think they are thinking and many times we are wrong.

You will only make yourself more sad if you concentrate on whether or not you could have given AJ a little while longer. He was destined to suffer and he was not salvageable. Don't forget that. You made the right decision. It was a hard decision. Probably one of the hardest in your whole life but your 8 year old sees that it was necessary . You set a great example for your child with your acceptance that life is not fair and that we are merciful stewards for the beautiful pets who come into our lives.

love,
Patti