On April 4th, after a long illness and having dealt with in-home hospice care and cat Alzheimers (CDS), which I never knew existed before, my sweet Mister M died at almost 22 years old. I never knew what it meant to say you are beside yourself with grief but I do now.

When my other cats died, I was also heart broken but I think I always had their brothers or sisters with me, that isn't true now. I had a kitten who was hit by a car, and Mister's big brother had a disease and had to be euthanized when he was in his teens. It isn't easy whenever or however it happens. I pick up Mister's ashes. mixed with his brother's on Monday we think.

Since he went on so long, I think I'd fooled myself, despite his failing health and mental state, into thinking he was eternal. We depended on one another. I'd not lived in a single-cat household for a long time.... He was our child.

I just don't know what to say. My best friend, my neighbor downstairs was up here weeping. He seemed eternal. I see him everywhere. I still go out and open the drawer to get him his food. I say hi when we walk in the door.... My heart is ripped apart. I'd tried to ready myself for the longest time and now, I'm falling apart. We lost my mom to Alzheimers and cancer, which my sweet cat also had back in July. He has helped me through so much and I was his nurse for so long these last months. I work from home and even though he'd lost his meow quite a while ago the house seems farr too quiet. We used to talk a lot about his brother, who died in 1990. Mister was born in 1986 and lived until 2008. Just unbelievable even though his death should have been and was expected. I have to go on, but it seems impossible somehow.

Thanks for listening.

Mister M's mom

I am so sorry. My Specail cat was not in the best of health. Maybe we invest more in them emotionally, so it hurts more when they go, even though we loved the others, too.

My (human) wife warned me years ago, "Miles is not in very good health...So watch yourself!" She knew it was going to be bad, but Miles and I cheated the Reaper for a long time, and she was a happy cat till the last.
I am glad I spoiled her, but sorry it could not have been for longer.

We had an "Eternal" cat, Minka, who lived 23 years. When she finally left, we knew thing were going to be different from then on, new cats or not. When Minka was born, we were young....so there was a lot of significance to her.

I am so sorry to hear about Mister M. I believe in what you said earlier about having others around when some of your special ones left. I had 3 to start with and 1 by 1 they left and yes, it meant a lot to have 2 left then 1 left and that 1 left was my avatar picture, Little Guy. He was sick as a kitten and survived and turned out to be with me over 16 years...the longest I ever had a pet.

When Little Guy had to leave in September, I hated the empty house. I did put pictures of all 3 up in every room so when I walked in a room I could look at someone's sweet face and remember they were a part of our lives every day. After getting through October and Halloween (my 3 cats were all black), November (Thanksgiving), and then my favorite Holiday (Christmas)....I adopted a shelter cat the day after Christmas. It helped me so much. I have always lived with animals and I do not want a house without them.....it is with them that it is truly a home. The new one I named Lucky caused he never had a real home, and survived our local kill Animal Control and eventually wound up in our no kill SPCA where I saw him . I made a connection when I approached where he was sleeping and his face was at eye level and he opened his eyes and I could see he had the special golden eyes as my 3 had.

I know the emptiness of walking in the door and no body to greet me or opening the front door so he could lie down by the screen and look outside and Little Guy was always the last one I saw when I closed my eyes at night and the first one I saw in the morning because he was always in the room I was in and he always watched me and would even lie down beside me for a while in the evenings on the couch.

His sister, we had to diagnose as having CDS as the vet who saw her didn't believe in it and kept making fun of us and continued even though I told her about a vet in Arizona who said there was such a thing and there was expensive medication that might help. She really laughed at that and put all that info down and her advice did not help our situation at all. We finally discussed things with another vet and said we could not live with the unhealthy situation that was happening and physically the tests showed nothing wrong that should be causing the awful physical problems she was having.

Apparently you found a vet that believed in CDS. I wish we had as maybe there could have been another answer to help her. I am glad you found recognition so there was some decent advice.

How wonderful you had him for 22 years. The time we are given with them is truly a gift and the longer the better but also more years lead to more memories and deeper bonding but it is all worth it. Even though you said his death was expected, that doesn't make the pain and grieving any less intense. I understand a feeling of being lost .......we have to cry, we have to vent, and hope that provides some relief of the sadness.

He was so much a part of you for so long and even though he is still a part of you and will always be in your heart ...... it is normal to miss him terribly and go through your normal routines for him....cause it is just so recent.

If you want to come here and tell us some stories of the good memories you shared with Mister, do that. It can help the healing process which only time truly makes the biggest difference so we eventually are not overwhelmed by the pain. If you want to post pictures, do that. It is a way of seeing them again and remembering a special time that can make us smile.

Each person deals with their grieving in their own way but there are ways that work for others also that can help. You have to do what feels best for you, and what feels right to you.

My feel right was getting another to share my home and heart. The distraction helps me a lot.

There are a lot of good people here who are ready to listen if you come back and post your thoughts, your feelings, anything that you need to do that helps you at this time.

We will love these special ones and miss them for all eternity. They will always be a part of our hearts even though their physical presence has been taken away from us. Sometimes their leaving opens the door for another who needs love and a home which I can say happens in my case. I have had pets all my life and if the ones who came first were not taken...I would not have known the ones afterwards...and I do not regret knowing any one I have ever had. They are the most precious gift given to us because they are the only ones who give their unconditional love to us and that love and joy surpasses the eventual sadness at a later time.

You had a beautiful 22 years...my Little Guy gave me just over 16 years. For me that was 16 years of love and joy and about 8 weeks of worry and sadness before he had to leave. I have lots of good memories for so many years and that is the last gift I got from him.

Take Care and I wish you peace and healing and a hug as we cry together.

How blessed I am to have found this forum. Thank you so very much for your kind words. Mister M was named for the magical black cat in the musical and Eliot's book about Cats.

It is mysterious that the two people who posted thus far have have love for black cats and Mister was my first black cat. That makes your responses mean that much more to me.

Your time and your words mean more than you'll ever know as I sit here and try to work without him here physically.

Thanks so much...

Claire, I'm so sorry for your loss of Mr. M. 22yrs is certainly a gift. The people here are very caring, and giving of themselves. I'm so glad you found this forum.

I never knew cats got alzheimers, wow!

Do you have any pics of Mr. M, I would love to see you post them. I think it would help with your grieving process. I know it helps me.

Take Care

Dear Claire............I am so sorry to hear of your loss of Mister M. Deep losses of loved ones we are so connected with are painful. The grief is unbearable, especially when new. You were blessed to have had your Mister M for 22 years. While I know first hand the emptiness and heartbreak that is felt when losing a furlove, I also know that the memories they leave us when they pass away are never forgotten. The happiness they bring into our homes is like no other and when they go it seems as though we have nothing to be happy about anymore.

I have had 4 black cats in my life. The latest one Jezebel, died on January 24th, 1997, at the age of 19 1/2. She was my companion and greeter as well as my friend. She was the last cat to pass away and I found my home empty without her.

A few months later I found about a litter of chihuahuas and begged my husband to go and just LOOK at them. Lo and behold I fell in love with a male chihuahua and named him Goliath. For the next 10 1/2 years he brought much happiness and joy into our home along with Gidget, who we brought home 5 months after we had Goliath. (ironically enough Goliath was born January 25th, 1997.............the day after Jezebel died.

Goliath passed away very suddenly on November 6th, 2007 in my arms. By far his death was the most painful and agonizing cir%%stance I have ever had to endure. Even though I knew he was in heaven, I felt like I had died too. Except surely I must have to gone to hell because that's what it felt like. My hopes and dreams and happiness crumbled right in front of me.

You have found the right place to come and share your grief and sorrow. It is here that I have found healing and the encouragement to go on and grow spiritually. There is much compassion, understanding, and love we share with each other in our exchange of replies to one another. We all walk together, recovering from our losses. The support we give each other so freely comes from our hearts where our furloves live and are well.

Keep coming Claire. Share your happy memories when you can. Miracles happen here. Eventually we find the comfort and acceptance in coping with our grief. We never forget all the love, joy, and happiness our furloves brought to us. That is their gift when they cross the bridge. We all have been blessed in knowing the kind of love relationship we have with that "special one." The bond you have with Mister M can never be broken. It is a binding love that connects heaven and earth as you and he stole each others hearts.

May you find the comfort and peace of mind you are seeking. Give yourself time to heal. Never be afraid to ask for help here, for sometimes you will find it where you least expect it. I hope to see you again soon. Take care and know you are NOT alone.

Dear Claire,
How sad to lose Mr M, but what a gift to have had him with you for 22 years. My Furry died when only 12, & the worst thing is that I feel she was robbed of a third of her life. Only her heart was diseased, the rest of her was so strong right to the end. But the grief & the pain are strong as ever & this place is the place where people understand.
Judith

Dear Claire, Hugs to you, this is such a hard thing to go through, losing this special cat.
I really feel for you,you gave him precious care and he was your life. I know how at first we look everywhere for them, your 22 year old baby has made such a deep impression on your mind and soul, he was a part of you. He still is. In time you will begin to feel soothed somehow, and hopefully this will make you sense hat Mr. M is comforting you from.....above? .....from inside your heart?.... ?????
All a mystery for now and that sensation that you are not alone, that he is there!
There to give hope for later and consolation for now. Take care and may Mr. M
wrap you up and keep you warm in his magnificent coat of love and foreverness for you and him.

Thank you again for your kind words. Today for the first time I listened to the song from Cats, "Mr. Mistoffelees." I knew I'd have to hear it sometime, and I didn't want to hear it without warning. Now my glasses are splattered with tears again. I think it helps in my grieving somehow. Of course, I went to the kitchen when I heard it, that's where he lived for the last 6 mos of his life. His last months mirrored my mother's last months in her battle with Alzheimers in several ways. It was very sad and very interesting. My caring for my mother helped me to care for Mister and I was not quite as scared of what happened with Mister since I had seen similar things with my Mom. Now my husband's parents are battling Alzheimers. It's odd how similar the symptoms were in Mister M. You grieve so, so much, yet you do are relived that they are no longer suffering.

Mister was blind near the end. That very day, I'd rubbed his head and told him that Mommy loved him. He'd eaten just like any other day. So strange. I keep telling myself how blessed I was. He really was the magical Mr. Mistoffelees. My other cats who I just love very very much, never lived so long and never had such relatively peaceful passings. One was devastatingly violent and more than one suc%%bed to disease. I yearn to cuddle another cat but, expectedly, it seems horribly disloyal to Mister.

I want to have some kind of service for him. I always planned to play "His" theme song, thanks to the musical for supplying it. I've got lots and lots of photos of him. We were noticing lately how Mister's tail told us a lot over the last several years. He'd held his tail high for most of his life. Then the tail was straight out behind him. The last maybe two years, he dragged his regal, fluffy black tail behind him, somewhat curled under his tummy. I knew the end was coming, but some part of me, with every passing day, felt he was eternal. Yet I wanted his suffering to end. He had cancer, he was blind, and I knew he was utterly more and more confused.

Most every night I would go to his bed and cuddle with him. I'd put my head to his and it got so I'd have to take off my glasses because he had always been a really loving cat. He got "cat" as I called it all over my face! He used to drool as he slept and I guess he was a french kisser until the very end. He'd rub his face against mine. Sometimes, I woulld cry a bit and say I loved him. I told him not to stick around for me -- because I knew he was suffering - though he groomed himself and ate and didn't seem to be in any real pain so his vet said.

Anyway, sometimes, he would put his paw on my hand and curl his toes around my fingers, like he was trying to grab hold of my hand, hold my hand. I just felt like we had one heart. He'll be with me always.

I'll never forget that image of those little black furry toes grasping my fingers as he pushed his nose against mine, loving me back. The photo I chose is from his last visit outside, when I think he still had some eyesight. I am so glad that we took him outside. I thought the sunshine would be nice for his old bones, he had some arthritis. He looked like he loved the wind and followed he it with his little nose. I'll miss him so much.

Thank you so much for listening, letting me go on and on. May we all gain strength from having our lost loves with us and watching over us.

Mr. M's mom

Claire, ramble all you want. It helps us, and you. Recalling the good times can be very theraputic.

Take care