hello every one,
Sorry i have been gone so long. Ive had a really bad patch recently, and I have not followed the advice I have given other people, Come back and share.
I was doing pretyy well with my griefe, but I fell apart again. It all started more than a month ago. I started dreaming about Cheddar. Nightmares that woke me up in tears, and dreams he was still with me. I woke up one night, and could have sworn he was on the bed with me, but he wasnt and I was devistated again. I crawled back into my hole of dispare, and shut out every one. For that i am sorry. It has been almost nine months since we lost him, and I still fall to pieces. I know that griefe does not have a time line, but I wish i could heal.
I keep seeing pictures of orange and white tabbies, and It almost brings me to tears, a freind has a big tom cat orange and white, and he breaks my heart. I love to visit with him, but when I leave I feel this empty place where cheddar was. I am thinking of taking down his picture and ashes, they are on a book shelf in the living room. I find my self staring at them, and crying. hazy is still very distant with me, and it hurts. Nori and i are bonding, but in the depression i have been dealing with, she is driving me nuts. her antics, and energy tire me somtimes. I hate myself for typing that, but i really need to just get it out. I am a house wife, and I spend alot of time with my cats, when one ignores me, and the other is driving me nuts, i just don 't know what to do. she is sweet to though and when she is calm, and i am not so wraped up in my slef, we are very close. She is turning into a lap cat, when she isnt running around like a kitten gone crazy. I know she is still a kitten, and high enegy just comes with that, but somtimes i justdon't have the energy for that. I feel like a very bad kitty mom. I keep blaming myself for things that arnt my fault, like losing cheddar, like hazy's grief, blasming my self that I wasnt what she needed.
Hazy just turned six years old within the last two weeks, and i find myself thinking about loosing her, and how much i would miss her. cats can live along time, but they don't live forever, and now after 8 months since we lost cheddar, i find my self petrified of losing another cat. I fear that I just wont be able to handle it. I know that this is all so selfish, I know I am sefl centred in alll this, I just can't seem to get out of it all.
So I dicided to come back to LS, and reconnect. I think about you all often, and i hope that you are all well. For those who are new since my absence, I am sorry for all your losses, and i hope that you find comfort here. For those who i know here I hope you all are finding comfort too.
I am sorry for disapearing, and i hope you can all forgive me. I am so glad to be back. I have missed you all so much.
with love,
Cheesy.

I wrote this a couple weks ago. it's not very good, but it captures what i was feeling, am still felling, and mabey what some of you may be feeling to.

Grief Revisted.

I miss the sound your paws made as you ran across the floor.
I miss they way you never failed to meet me at the door.
I miss the sound of you purring as I was trying to sleep,
I miss the way you told me you loved me,
Never makeing the slightest peep.

I miss they way your breath smelled as you liked my nose,
I miss the way while I was resting you pounced upon my toes.
I miss they way sat upon the tub as I took my shower.
I miss the way you played with me,
and the way you always ate my flowers.

I just miss every things about you.

Hi Cheesy, It's a good thing you felt like coming back and talking about your grief,I think it means something has progressed from where you were at when you needed to shut out the outside world. Been there, done that. As many of us here will attest to, our grief goes on, there is no time line for grief. I still shed tears for my cats and it'll soon be one and a half years. I can honestly tell you that they are at the centre of my mind, all the time. Other events come and go throughout the day, but whenever there is an opportunity, my mind goes back to being with my soulmate cats. Others still grieve after many years. We are all normal,sensible, sensitive people and our grief comes from our great love for our pets. They are more than family, they are even more than our "furkids", they are above all this, they are special in that they are the ones we love most, if we are sincere enough to admit it. With our soulmates we discover a unique experience, how can it not be more special then!
You wrote a very touching poem, I hope you can do more if ever the mood is right for you to do so. I too think often of the so sweet sound of his pawsteps in the middle of the night, the thump, when he'd jump on or off the bed....
My spider plant looks so healthy like it never did before, as if my Yukon had breathed a new life upon it, to thank it for letting him munch on the tip of its leaves when he was
bored :rolleyes:Now I love that plant because Yukon loved it so. Amen!

I don't know why that is, but this is also a negative part of grief, and one that needs to be firmly dealt with. I think that because we have them as our responsibility, because they are completely dependent on us we feel guilt. Everything you ever did for Cheddar was what you believed to be the right thing to do, the best thing, done out of love so please do not do spoil that love by blaming yourself and putting yourself further into pain and despair when you don't deserve it, not at all. You deserve to change these thoughts and think of all the nice things, the sacrifices you made for Cheddar, I'm sure you have in there enough to occupy your thoughts forever, please don't let the guilt monster keep you away from the love you can still feel for Cheddar. And if you woke thinking he was still with you, I think he was, in another form and you were blessed with his visits, now that he is free like he never was before, and able to be anywhere, do anything and yet he comes and snuggles next to you, when you sleep what a beautiful sign that he was loved so well by wonderful human being who goes by the name of Cheesy
Cheddar's love is still yours to have, love conquers all. Go with the knowledge that the love is forever yours and Cheddars and can still be shared,
feel it and treasure it.

Hi Cheesy! I was so happy to see that you have come back. Your sweet little self was missed very much. When I say my prayers at night I have continued to keep you in them along with the rest of the many people's names I know so well here. Some I still have not seen in a what seems like a very long time. So, when I noticed right away that you had returned, I became very excited. Welcome back.

Healing from the hurt and pain having suffered the loss of a loved one is no easy task. It takes alot of time and drains us. The only way I can keep going and feeling better and better all the time is by coming here and exchanging words of love and understanding with others.

Just like you miss Cheddar, I miss my Goliath so very much. Many times over the course of each day he pops into my mind. While my grief is no where near as sharp as it was, I know it is because my heart is full of love. The reason I know my heart is full of love is because I know that Goliath lives there. All the beautiful memories Goliath and I made together remain with me as they are an integral part of me. Our hearts were joined forever the moment we met.

Keep coming back Cheesy............we can all hold hands and hug each other as well as comfort each other. When loving people come together miracles can happen. Perhaps together we can all find hope, inspiration, and the encouragement to continue our journey of healing toward a happier and healthier way of living. It is what I do with this day I have been given that will become my memory tomorrow.

Many BIG WARM HUGS for you Cheesy!

Please don't feel guilty about the other baby "making you nuts". After my Inky passed and we got the new baby, Solo, I found myself beginning to resent her. She was only 5 weeks and also high energy, playful and, generally, insane. In truth, I believe I was starting to hate her for a while, then realizing my resentment was just because she wasn't Inky.

Trust me... that does pass. You'll begin to bond with the baby and see it's unique personality begin to shine through. You WILL smile again!!!

Your Cheddar looks exactly like my Taz, who just turned 16 on 4/1. He has some serious health issues, one of them being dangerously high blood pressure. He's been on Norvasc for over a year to lower the pressure which causes horrible seizures when it's elevated. I, too, seem to dwell on losing him, as I know that the time is closer than I want it to be. BUT... we have to remember to enjoy every second that they're with us, not miss it worrying about when they're gone.

Peace to you, Cheesy. You will pull through this and be able to keep the photos and ashes on display. You'll begin to feel warm when you see them and know that, although gone, they never really leave.

Cheddar is in your heart, as you are in Cheddar's. With that connection, you will always be together, just not physically.

I hope this was of help to you. Know that we know your pain, but also know that you'll definitely get past it and let the loving, happy memories shine through.

Hugs,

Patty

Welcome back, Cheesy. I am glad you posted that poem you wrote. It says things so many of us do feel and would like to say to our precious ones who are gone.

I adopted a 2 year old shelter cat the day after Christmas and after having 3 senior cats for so many years..he (Lucky) is quite different!

What you said about youth and energy I can relate to. It seems like Lucky takes over my day, everyday...he just has to be in the middle of everything. He certainly makes me run the gamut of feelings from frustration to laughter and back again. Sometimes it seems totally exhausting. I can also relate to some of what Snickster said to you..about at times it bothers me that Lucky is not my Little Guy in any way personality wise. It can make me sad that I can't do things with Lucky that I would not hesitate to do with Little Guy.

But, you know, if I didn't have Lucky...I found after I lost Little Guy and my home was empty of all 3 I originally had, it was hard everyday to see the emptiness. I put as many pictures up as I could because I was trying to get rid of the empty feeling I had. The pictures help and as I walk by and see them I can smile at my 3 precious ones..I can smile because I can remember showing them I cared and receiving from them that unconditional love in a way so unique to each of them. But the pictures were not enough. I needed a new baby ....I knew he or she would be a distraction from my grief and that worked for me. True..due to youth..I can say Lucky is a crazy cat compared to my others who I was able to raise from kittens, but it helps that he has a bedroom dedicated to him and when he gets too disruptive, he can go there and lie down and look out the window and relax and so can we.

He didn't have a home his first 2 years so we know it will take time for him to understand things like play-biting people is not allowed and a few other things.
We feel bad that we get so frustrated but we can only do the best we can.
That would be a good thought for you to tell yourself when you feel overwhelmed by feelings. As far as anticipating Hazy being gone...I have never allowed myself to think about something like that when I started losing my 3 , one at a time, and still had others to come home to. I could not deal with a thought like that so I just pushed it out of my mind and told myself I would deal with that situation only when it happened. I felt bad enough losing a recent one...I refused to add what could be years away...to my current grief. You said you felt Hazy was being distant...maybe she senses you are maybe drawing away from her somehow..when your mind is thinking about losing her. Like you are grieving for her and she is still here. Give her extra hugs and tell her how much she means to you. Saying it might help you to think about that instead of her leaving you. If I had done that when Little Guy was 6 and he left at over 16 years.......I could not deal with that much grief over something that hasn't happened yet and in his case I just enjoyed him for 10 more years. I am thankful for the time I was given with him. He understood love...he would not have understood grief for something that had not happened.

Every day is a new day and a day you are able to make new memories with Hazy and Nori. Our babies don't dwell in the past so neither should we...that is what their unconditional love is all about....it is truly unconditional. As humans, we are the only ones thinking about could of, should of, would of.....conditions we are attaching to ourselves that hamper our healing.

Look at your pictures of Cheesy and remember when that picture was taken and remember it was a healthy and happy time for the both of you and that memory can never be taken away from you. Remember that time and smile at him and tell him how much you love him, how much you miss him, and that his picture reminds you that he knows all of this because he is still with you..only now he is part of your heart and in a place where he will be with you forever.

Take Care..I wish you peace and I hope something I said in all of the above made you feel better inside and helped turn your thinking from the negative, which we all must fight hard against....to positive thoughts...they are what helps us heal.

I love how you worded this particular clip Judy. There is a freedom for us when we can begin to let go of those awful feelings. You are so right about our furloves.......they would definately want us to find a way to become happy and healthy just as they knew us when they were here on earth and in our arms sharing our love and homes.

Yes-definitely well said, Judy.

Cheesy, I've been guilty of doing what you have so I feel you. Every so often, I retreat. I guess that's a part of our personalities when we experience pain. In my experience, I try to fight it for my own good. It's almost self defeating. My life has been pretty busy lately but I do need to revisit LS more often than I do. I just feel so much better afterward-like I got a soul check up and visited with some of my oldest and dearest friends- friends who understand. So, welcome back and it's good to see you. You are definitely not alone. Thank you for that poem.

Hello again every one.
In april our computer started to get really bad. it was almost ten years old, then it just decided it was not gonna work any more. It took us a couple few months but we fi&%^ly have a new computer. So now I hope to be here more often again.
Things are going all right here. i am nervously awaiting the one year mark since we lost our big guy. It is three days away, it i gonna be rough. My husband is starting to have a hard time as it get closer. We have both been getting really teary eyed when we talk about him. I know we will be ok, but getting there is goona be tough.
In a week and three days though is the one year mark of our kitten being with us. I can't call her a kitten any more she has become a full blown cat. Nori has has been a joy, a terror, and most importantly a new friend. She is starting to settle down, and has made her own place here. She is a very sweet girl, and we both just love her to bits. She has some of cheddar's quirks, things we thought were unique to him. She loves to drink bath water (my husband makes sure it is not soapy water.) she likes to meow at the fridge, she doesnt get wet food, and we never give her table food, but she loves to sit and tallk to it anyway. She also likes to nibble on my fingers, cheddar used to do that to get my attention when I was sleeping, and she does it now too. Of course she has her own quirks, She loves to eat earplugs. The littel faom ones peoplel wear tpo sleep. She just gobbles them up when she can find them, needless to say we are very carfull with them now. She started doing that the week we go her, and she still does. It is not a good thing. They swell when wet, and could cause a bowel obstuction, or chock her, so we are very carful, but once in blue moon she finds one, and gobbles it up. She has not had issues yet thank god. Also she loves stuffed animals. when she was a tiny kitten she found a stuffed bunny of mine. It stood as taller than she did, and wheghed just as much. She wrestels it, bites it, and drags it around the house. Somtetimes she is so rough with her we say "man, she beats on that bunny like it owes her money". It is her new thing to leave it on the bed at night. I have woken up with it wedged under my back, a few times. She has also taken to dropping it on my head in the middle of the night, she knows if it wakes me up I will throw it, and she get to chase it. She has is starting to play fetch too. I toss the bunny, she brings it back. She will do that five or six times, then decide it's time to lay the smak down, and just beat on it. She is so goofy.
Hazy is still distant with me, but i have come to terms with it. She is Daddies girl. I get to feed her, and clean the litter, and if she is really lonly i might get to pet her a little, but she is most definatly my husbands cat. she sleeps with him all night, and when he is home, she is curled up right beside him. It is very cute. It used to really hurt me, but now, I can see how much she loves him, and that he is what she needs.
well that is whats going on here. I have missed you all. I pray for you all,
with love.
Cheesy.

I am so glad to hear how things are going for you and your family. That story of your baby throwing that bunny on you for attention made me laugh. It sounds like everyone is basically doing just fine. That is what Cheesy would have wanted to. You can't fool that unconditional love....it is only happy when we are.

I know what you mean about the first year..this was the month my Little Guy started having problems..then in August..more..then in September...we lost him and that will be our one year mark. You mentioned both you and your husband are getting teary eyed.
This is a good time to hug each other tightly as much as you can. I find such a thing helps me at times.

It is nice to hear your babies are doing so well. We need that. About Hazy being Daddies' girl...that is really nice. My husband got close to my Little Guy's twin but he was the first of 3 to go..in 2002. The Little Girl and Little Guy were around me more. But my new adopted kitty, Lucky, has no favorites (except I am the food lady) and he treats us equally except at times he does jump in my husband's lap, etc...in fact at first my husband said I might have to go back to the shelter to get a kitty for myself...I am so glad he doesn't feel left out...in fact at times...he feels HE has a kitty...that's a good thing. I taught him to be an animal person and I am glad
when he gets the reaction he wants from the furbaby. He has his own fun games...like a rag moving under the bathroom door that our kitty reaches under the door and gets and tries to pull it through to the other side...and he has the energy of more than one cat.
So I understand and smile at all the actions you describe your babies doing. Sometimes it is like they can't sit still.

But this first year is still going on here for many, including me. All I can do is send you a HUG and tell you I can feel your pain because it is just like my own. There is nothing wrong with lots of tears now..you are allowed to fall back and grieve....there will always be times we will fall back because our sweethearts have a part of our hearts forever and at times it is hard to think of them without remembering the pain of losing them. But then we know we will get stronger again...until something else reminds us.
But there is no reason to ever forget them and many times when we think of the special things they did..that our current ones remind us of...we may be able to do so without tears but simply smile at the recollection because the thought of them fills us with the warm feeling of love we remember feeling at that time also.

So as the time approaches....allow yourself to grieve together....tears and hugs aplenty will help...and here is a bunch of
hugs for you and your husband.....and kisses for all our sweet ones.

that is a beautiful poem, made me cry. i know how you feel about wanting to shut out the world. i have to force myself to be social, remind myself there are still people and pets in my life who still need me. i have to remind myself that there are people who understand, most of them are on here. last night i broke down and it was painfull to look at the urns of my love joshua who passed 2 years ago and acorn who passed 1 month ago(as of yesterday). i didnt want to picture them in there. maybe it could help you to move it for awhile if you constantly look at it and get sad. i think it helps me to heal painfully but slowly to see the urns because i know i still have a part of them physically with me but their souls are all around me always.i'm glad you came back.

with love corina and her angels

with love corina and her angels