On March 27th at 7:30pm, I had to let my friend go. Oh how it hurts, I miss my buddy. Rocky was a wonderful friend for 14 years. We had great conversations, he made me laugh, always there for me. Always keeping me company and watching me with those beautiful gold eyes, trotting behind me like a puppy which he apparently thought he was. My puppy-cat. He lived up to his name, fought a hard battle all the way till the end. We had to make the call, not able to watch him suffer in silence any longer. Feeling guilty but knowing we made the right decision. We were with him when he left, my face in his, rubbing his white/pink ears, telling him it was okay to go. That he was such a good boy. His eyes on mine until he was gone. In a heart beat. Gone. He was in my life for such a long time it’s surreal that’s he’s not here now. Sitting behind me on the back of my chair, petting my head (guess he thought I enjoyed a good petting too.), whispering in my ear. I never knew a cat that whispered before but he did. Used to make me giggle because he was sharing some sort of kitty secret with me. He was a big gossip. I keep expecting him to run across my head board or my pillow to wake me up for a midnight snack. Or to see him peeking around the corner at me wanting to play hide and seek. Logically I knew he couldn’t live forever and yet I cant believe he’s not here. For a moment I almost forget he’s gone, I have to catch myself because I want to call him, to see him gallop down the hall way to me. I had to pick up his ashes yesterday, I came as soon as I got the call, dropped everything and went. I needed him back, I knew he hated the vet and didn’t want him to be there any longer than he had to. He needed to be home. Does that make any sense? Trying not to cry the whole long walk home holding what was left of him in my arms. I cant seem to stop crying, I miss my friend.

It has been almost three weeks for me. I thought I was doing better, but yesterday I was working in my shop. Miles used to come down and get me if I stayed downstairs too long. She would scream at me with here tail wiggling and demand that I carry her back upstairs and spend time with her.

I was a trick of the light, or something...I hope.

A dark little shadow darted across the floor, and without thinking, I answered, "OK, we will go upstairs", and...

There was no one there.
That did it. I went to pieces.

This is supposed to get better.

Isn't it?

Collecting the ashes can either be tormenting or a relief for some people. For me, it was a bit of both. Torment that this was all I had left of my beautiful dog, and relief that he was home with me again, back where he belonged.

You were so lucky to have had Rocky for 14 years. Some animals are not so fortunate ... Bono was 8 when he died. So feel blessed that he lived a long and fantastic life with someone who loved him so dearly.

But no doubt you are in agony now hes gone; of course you are. And there is nothing I can say which will ease your pain. You're grieving, and this is to be expected. I remember those first weeks after Bono's death well. Some days I felt that I would rather die; I would have done anything for Bono. Just as you would have done anything for Rocky. Your last gift to him, putting him to rest, rather than having him suffer was testimony of that.

But the weeks will turn to months and the months to years, and although the tears may dry up, the sadness of Rocky's departure will remain ... but hopefully you will find a way to cope without him.

Bono has been gone for 18 months, and I think of him every day, and at least once a week, I will cry a little, and feel that swelling in my throat as I remember how sorely I miss him.

You gave Rocky a long life of joy and happiness, and that is to be remembered.

This is the cruel price to pay for loving our pets so dearly, that they do not live nearly as long as we do. And yet, despite the agony, we continue to keep and love our pets, for not even the years of sadness felt for the loss of a pet can compare to the short years of joy we felt when they walked with us on Earth.

It does get easier in time; take care ... x

Hi Darlena.............Your words of expression in the love you have for Rocky are beautiful. The relationship you had with him will follow you for many years to come. The tears of grief and agony you are experiencing now will in time turn to tears of joy in remembrance. All those happy times you and Rocky had together will remain in your mind and heart forever. Your loss is so recent and my heart goes out to you as I understand what a tremendous shock it is when you feel their life begin to slip away from you. We know we will make no more memories with them just as well as we know the happiness and joy they brought into our hearts and homes will make us feel empty. We miss their presence and the smiles they brought us daily as well as the love they give so freely.

While I am feeling truly sorry for your loss of Rocky, I am also feeling sweet sorrow. You had Rocky in your arms. It was his eyes that saw you last and he saw where your eyes were too. He knew how much you loved him, and what a beautiful love it was and still is.

My Goliath also died in my arms nearly 5 months ago. His death came very quickly and was completely unexpected. I had just returned from the emergency hospital with him because his stomach was upset. They sent me home with some antacids and said he would be just fine. Within 2 hours of having returned home I was holding him in my arms. As I was looking into his eyes, and he looked straight back into mine , we both knew the angels were standing near. Within minutes he went limp in my arms and I knew the angels had taken him to heaven. Part of me had died too. As I tried to breathe life back into Goliath and give him CPR I begged God to take me instead. I sat in the rocking chair with his little body and cried and cried and kept telling him how much I loved him. The deep gutwrenching pain, agony, and emptiness I felt was unbearable. I didn't think I would ever be able to feel any happiness and joy in my life ever again.

Once I found this site 2 months after Goliath passed away, I found the key to acceptance which allowed me to begin to heal. The people here provided me with comfort, understanding, and hope out of the love in their hearts. They too had lost precious loved furry kids and were looking to heal. Soon I found that by replying back and forth with each other and sharing our memories and stories as well as pictures, I was able to start taking baby steps toward a happy and healthy life again. Gradually the fond memories of Goliath's and my love for each other and the memories we made together began to sing from my heart. The emptiness and hopelessness was far more distant. Those precious memories are what I hold the very closest to my heart where Goliath lives forever.

May you be blessed with peace and comfort during this sad time of your life. Keep coming back here where we share and care so much about each other. You are not alone. Everybody here is with you as we all walk together on the road to healing.

Darlena,

I feel for you so much right now. The pain can be unbearable sometimes. But the comforting words that so many on this forum can share really do help. Nothing can make the emptiness go away, but the sharpness of it will hopefully fade with time. I picked up Kirby's ashes the other day, and you are right - I just wanted to get him out of the vet asap - we have an awesome vet, but nonetheless Kirby didn't like being there.

Rocky sounds like a great cat. I love your descriptions of him. Keep remembering all of the joy he brought you and when you are thankful for that, it helps the pain a bit.

Hugs.

Thank you all so much for your kind words, encouragement and understanding. For the last few days I have lurked here, reading the posts, the love you all have for your pets and heart break you have endured. This is a wonderful place to be able to share our feelings and being supported.
Please forgive me for not responding to each of you individually but Im having a hard time composing myself at the moment.

There is nothing to forgive you for Darlena. We understand how difficult it is for you right now. When you are ready you will make replies to others. I am glad to know that you are here with us and us with you while you browse this forum. Sometimes I just come here to read too.

God's peace and comfort to you as you struggle through your tears and grief. We are all walking together and standing by you.

Much love and many warm hugs Darlena.

Darlena, I just finished reading your post; you were such a beautiful pair you and Rocky, soulmates forever you are. And you were the greatest gift throughout Rocky's life, how grateful Rocky must be to have had Darlena for his mom/friend/lover. It will be very hard but at one point you will find that Rocky never left you, he is still in your heart forever and that knowledge means there will be more to come, after you will have lived the rest of your life as Rocky knew you: a wonderful lovely warm bright generous Darlena. Please be good to yourself, take it one day at a time, soothe your thoughts by realizing that Rocky lives on, in you and in your future. Come back here as often as you like, it helps a lot.

Darlena: Reading your story has me typing in tears. There are things in there you said that reminds me of my Little Guy..especially the "galloping". We never stop crying for them...it is just that sometimes the tears flow inside us rather than outside. It is so recent for you..that just intensifies the pain and the longing. Let yourself grieve, let the tears come when they are there. There is just no way to avoid this type of tremendous sadness and the pain that comes with it.

You were together 14 years and my Little Guy and I were together just over 16 years...that's a lot of connection, of bonding, and of loving. The sadness and pain never leaves as quickly as they arrive but in time we remember the happy times, and the good years and at the same time push away the sadness as best we can. How lost we do feel... how helpless, sometimes it seems, to fight the pain but we have to fight it because it does not help us, it does not make us feel better, and while we should not fight grieving...we also must take the baby steps back to where we do not feel overwhelmed by sorrow.

One mom here said it best about her baby when she wrote these words:
The pain of losing him will never ever be bigger than the joy of knowing him.

That's why healing begins when we allow ourselves to remember and feel that joy.

I am so sorry for your loss but am glad you came here and shared your story.
Come back and tell us more about Rocky when it feels right. Maybe you can post a picture....pictures help us remember the healthy, happy times and we need to fill our minds with those times....it helps get through the other memories when they show up unbidden. Take care and I wish you peace and a smile through the tears as you picture Rocky's face in a favorite moment in your memory.

Hugs to you, Darlena. You are not alone in your feelings. We are here and we understand the depth of feelings you are having.