Hello all

This is my first post so don't quite know what to write ! First of all, my utter and deepest sympathy to all that have experienced loss of a pet and the effects that is having on them. I say sympathy and not empathy because I had one of my two kitties put to sleep on Monday afternoon, totally unexpectently and I am missing him like mad. I have been sitting here tonight looking at all the pet loss websites and my heart is just wrenched in two.

Perkin was about 7 years old. I got him from the rescue centre approx 3 1/2 years ago. He was jet black, well-built, strong, independent, loving, had beautiful eyes and big back feet. He used to purr away like a locomotive and be as good as gold. I came home Sunday evening and he was all hunched up and not really moving. I took him to the vets straight away and as I am in a bit of a financial crises, my mate put the cost onto his credit card. They gave him a saline drip as he had huge and sudden weight loss and dehydration. Overnight, there was no improvement and I took him to the main vet centre the next morning. They took him in straight away and gave him more fluids. He tested positive for severe diabetes and the vet said that the ongoing cost of treatment was at least 1000 UK pounds. I said I didn't care and I wanted him well. The vet asked me if I was financially able to support the cost of the treatment, (as they had seen my mate pay on his credit card.) I said yes but now wish I hadn't because it's tearing me apart wondering if they recommended euthanasia in case they didn't get the funds from me at the end of the treatment. At the time, I was prepared to do anything to save his life.

Apart from being racked with guilt over that, I wish I had got him treatment sooner, I wish I had held him as they administered his injection to make him die. Instead I was in the waiting room crying my eyes out. I didn't want to see him die but now I so wish I had held him as he passed away. I saw him afterwards and cried, wondering if he needed me to hold him, and now I never will........

Will his little spirit live on ? Will he be with me wherever I go ? I miss him so much I just want to cry all the time. 7 years old is not old enough for a strong, healthy cat to be taken away. They never knew what the problem was.....

I hope you can welcome me into this forum and we can lean on each other for support. We could be scattered across the world but it's comforting to know that I am not the only one who has lost a beloved pet and is grieving.

The attached picture is of my cats. Perkin is the black one on the right.

Thank you all.

Jamie - Birmingham, UK.
x

Hi, Jamie - Of course you are welcome here, for as often and as long as you need to be. Your Perkin certainly was beautiful! It is so hard when an illness strikes so suddenly, and one is under overwhelming pressure to make awful, permanent decisions, but decisions that at the last, spare our beloved animal friends from more and increasing suffering. I have to believe the spirits of our pets, our cats and dogs live on - how could such purity, charm, innocence and unconditional love not survive for eternity. I think that just about always, when the time comes where we have to make that last decision, it is because we sense that their spirits are already pulling away from us, or have left us, trying to go to the place where there is no suffering. I feel that was true for my 15 1/2 year old Samantha, when I had to let her body follow her spirit on June 14 - she just wasn't with us any more. We are all here on this board because of love and loss, because of sharing tears, grief, wondering, second-guessing ourselves, asking ourselves "what if's ?" that can't be answered. There are so many people here more articulate than I, and I hope you will find some comfort here. It has been such a comfort to me. Sending hugs and blessings to you, far across the ocean.

Hi Jamie. Your little lad doesn't look unlike mine. My boy was black but had white tail tip, bib and underarms, but his face was similar. I had him put down on Tuesday and I'm struggling to come to terms with the guilt I'm feeling, so you're not alone.

I'm also in the UK so I know £1000 is a lot but nothing compared to the value of a beloved friend. I had treatment for my boy last autumn and it was expensive. It was also a living hell for him as it meant spending six nights at the vet and he returned a shadow of his former self because he didn't eat. He was better for a short time, but he went downhill from there.

In the short time I've been here, I've learnt that guilt is a common factor amongst us all however hard we've tried to make things right. We're not all perfect when it comes to the care of our pets particularly when it comes to second guessing where we might have gone wrong, but we all do the best we can at the time. I'm still having massive guilt trips about how I treated my boy and it's going to take a little while to reconcile them, but I'm sure it will come for you and for me in time.

Hi both

Thank you so much for your replies. Just reading them makes me feel better. I hope you find comfort too.

I read the All Pets Go To Heaven thing.........cried more buckets ! But it was really lovely.

Mr Perkin must be having a great time !

I just wish I had cuddled him more than I did..........

Jamie

Jamie - there were never enough cuddles in our memories once our fuzzy ones have passed on beyond our reach. I can see you loved Mr. Perkin and I'm sure he loved you right back with all his fuzzy little being!!

I paid thousands of Canadian dollars and months of treatment, but when Jesse's cancer became painful I realized that I was only delaying the inevitable. I couldn't allow the pain - so I made that hard decision too. Like it was for you, the money meant nothing to me.

I hope you continue healing and rest well knowing Mr. Perkin is now flying silently above you as you walk down the street and sleeping beside you when you go to bed at night.

Hi, and I am so sorry about your loss. He was a beautiful cat.

When my Luba got suddenly violently ill the veterinarian said that the costs would be astronomical. They were even going to send her to a specialist out of town. I told them "Do whatever it takes", even though I'm not in the best financial situation. Sadly, my sweetheart died before they even had much of a chance to do too much for her.

No matter how our beloved friends die, we all seem to beat ourselves up for not doing enough, or, the other extreme, prolonging their agony for too long.

I hope you find some peace through this site.

Steph

Please don't be wracked by guilt. I doubt if the vet would have recommended euthanasia for the reason of them worrying about you paying. Most will access a payment plan for you. Mine was very up-front about the costs of treating and regulating a diabetic cat. Sometimes the disease hits very quickly and is very devastating, causing damage. That might be what happened with your Perkin, and you did what you could. (Oswald's was slower onset, so it was quite treatable with insulin - kidney failure was what I had to make the decision about). Guilt is very common with grief and it is tough to deal with. No matter what we do for them, the grief comes - I could have done this, I should have done that. I was with Oswald when they administered the shot, but I wasn't with Carmen when she got hers. Neither was right and neither was wrong. The point was that you saved Perkin and gave him a great home and a lot of love. You were both blessed to have each other, and the amount of time is never enough.

I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful fur-boy.

Dee Dee

All, your messages are lovely, thank you so much. I hope in a few days I too can offer some words of comfort to others on here. I am still a bit raw from it all so that's why I seem wrapped up in it/him. I really do feel for all of your that are suffering or have suffered. Your words are very kind. He was beautiful and I really appreciate the sentiment of him flying above me as i walk in the street and him sleeping next to me at night.

god bless all of you, your loved pets past and present........and Perkin Kitty. And my other cat ! (Pootle - English thing, named after a "Flump." They both were.) Perkin and Pootle were famous kids tv characters in a show called The Flumps !

dear magictorch,
I am so sorry that you had to come to this group, but on the other hand you will find everyone here knows precisely how you feel --and for some strange reason that helps! Your Perkin was a beauty and so is Pootle.
Does Pootle miss his friend?

love,
Patti

Hello,

I am so sorry that your beautiful cat died. He was in the prime of life. It is such a shame. My cat, Solas, looked a lot like Mr Perkin. I lost him on June 10th and it still hurts like mad. He lived to be 16. Still isn't enough time together.

The money thing is so hard. We all would spend every penny if we thought it could help. But most of us are not blessed with unlimited funds. We spent almost $800 and that was a big chunk of our savings. Solas really went downhill fast. So putting him down was the kindest thing, but oh it hurt!

I was right beside him. It is awful to go through. You think you should have been there and I wish I had been in the waiting room! Any way you slice it, it's terrible.

Glad you found your way here. People really care.

Hang in there,
Ariel

Do you know what ? Today is the first day I haven't cried. I feel a kind of serenity about it all now.....probably denial ! All the beautiful things you have said and the support you have given - it's amazing what words can do. I think it's the knowing he is not in pain. I still feel that pang in my chest whenever I think about him but I think I am beginning to understand that his life goes on somewhere...........

The pictures of your pets are lovely. It's comforting that I am not the only one.

I have made the picture of him the wallpaper on my desktop.......probably not a good idea but I say "good morning" to him everyday now, just like I did when he had his breakfast !

My other cat is not coming near the house really. She comes in to eat and goes out again.....I think a new toy tomorrow is a good idea.

I have decided a want another kitty......not to replace Perkin but to focus my attention. Where his little life was cut short, I can carry it on with another cat and give it as much love and attention and that will give his death a purpose..........I think ?

PS - Patti - Ginger is so cool !!!!!

x

magict--yes "both" Gingers are cool-cats! lol
I am so glad you had a day without tears...I did cry every time I thought of Ginger for a good long while, but the tears did change into smiles, just like everyone here told me would happen one day.
I am happy you are thinking about another kitty. Your Perkin would approve! Because of the love you shared with him when you look into your "new" kitties eyes, you will see your Perkin looking back at you! what a nice thought that is!

Dear Magictorch! I'm so sorry to hear about your Perkin. It will be two weeks tomorrow since we had to put our darling Chuchelo to sleep. She was more than 16 years old and we had her all that time. She was my daily companion, my little shadow. How is Pootle coping? We've found that our other cat is quite changed at the moment. She is grieving as well and it shows.

It can be hard to set aside the feelings of guilt and blame. Be gentle with yourself.

Chuchelo's mom

Hi Jamie. When you mentioned the name Perkin I'd wondered where I heard it before. I'm going to show my age now, but when I was at school I used to go home for dinner. My best friend used to call for me at the end of the dinner break and we'd return to school together. The TV was on and we'd quite frequently catch the last few moments of The Flumps then be unable to get the theme tune out of our heads as we walked back to school. Do do, do do, do do dooo doo. If you get another kitty and she's female, will you call her Posie?

I haven't cried so much today, more just big gutteral sobs. Apart from when my boy went to the vet for a week last November, I don't think I've cried properly for 8 years. So it's not really in my nature to be weepy and I'm normally a very content person.

I too am really glad I found this board quickly. I knew I needed help so I was very relieved to find somewhere where people are so understanding. I don't think most people would have a clue what we are going through. Particularly here in the UK. The Americans seems a little more able to adjust to the idea that you can love and grieve for an animal as much as a human.

Take care.

I have been thinking about what Ruth said a lot and I totally agree. I had a bit of a cry tonight again and I realise all the grief is due to me idolising his innocence. I think we all build up in our pets what we miss in ourselves and innocence is usually one of them. Pets cant do anything wrong - it's like they are pure and I think that makes it harder - if this makes sense ! Posie would be a good idea for a female cat !

Chuchelo's Mom - My condolences on the anniversary of your sad day. I am dreading Monday.....it will be a week. I think I'll just go to bed early. My mom bought me a Hydranga (plant) today. It has blue flowers that match the colour of his collar. I am going to plant it in a plant pot he used to love lying in and use it as a memorial to him.

round my mates house on his PC - black cat, spitting image of Perkin in the back garden. Disappeared..............now upset. Wish it had been him............... x

I am so sorry for your loss. You will find much support at this site. Our cat Christopher was only 10 when he suc%%bed to FIP rather suddenly. It is so hard to lose a friend so young, when you expected to have him with you for so much longer. Rest assured that Perkin knows you did everything you could and what you thought was best. I too cried my eyes out in the exam room while Christopher was put to sleep. I beat myself up over that for a while until I realized that Christopher knows I love him and will always be with him. I know he appreciates what I did to make his suffering end. Perkin knows the same...he will always be with you, and as time goes on, happy memories will dominate and you will smile when you think of him instead of crying. My thoughts are with you.
Lisa

I think the Hydranga is a lovely idea and nice thing for your mother to do. It'll be flowering every year during the time your Perkin passed away so it'll be a wonderful memorial.

You must have gone through a gamut of emotions when you saw a cat that looked like Perkin in your friend's garden. I feel for you.

Right now, I can never imagine getting another cat. It wouldn't be right for me, but I guess it's a bit like when a spouse passes away, some people marry again, some people are happier to stay single. We all know if and when the time is right. I must admit, if I saw a cat that was the spitting image of Duke, I'd have to have it at the moment, but I don't think that's very likely to happen as he was unique.

It's a funny thing that even when my boy was very ill, I wouldn't dream of coming onto a forum like this, it would just upset me to read about the loss. I would have avoided it like the plague, but now I find it comforting to know other people are going through what I'm going through. You see, at least now it can't get any worse. It's hell, but today is better than last Tuesday. And although next Monday will be bad for you and Tuesday for me, I wouldn't swap that day for the same time a week earlier.

Take care

I agree Ruth--I NEVER would have come to a forum like this before--but after my "loss" I found it wonderful that people understood me!

magictorch--it is true as time goes on you will feel better and better. . I put a sun catcher up in a tree in "tribute" to Ginger--just for him. It is very pretty--it has tiny mirrors in strands and I felt at first that it represented tears...but now I feel it represents love. The light bounces all around on it like the love bounced back and forth between me and Ginger.

I love the idea of a plant and a blue one! what a wonderful idea!
Patti

Hi,

I just read all about sweet Perkin. What a special guy. I am so sorry you lost him (in physical form, anyway) at that age. But remember that you rescued him and welcomed him into your home. And remember that guilt is inevitable. It always is, where grief is concerned.

I lost my cat Mariah in 1998 to pancreatitis. She had a horrible ending. I still need to do more healing over that whole situation. I eventually will talk about her at this site. I need to. I first came here when I lost my sweet Little Girl in March of this year. This site has been a lifesaver for me, and I'm so glad it is helping you. There is something miraculous that happens when we all come together to support each other.

I liked what Patti said in one of her posts:
"I have often thought about the fact that Ginger COULD have died last year and instead I got to spend wonderful times with him for a whole "extra" year. You know, none of us even know how much time any of us have to be on this planet. We humans are just so certain that death is a terrible thing--but we don't know everything! What is that nice line from a poem? --"What the caterpillar perceives is the end, to the butterfly is just the beginning'". I honestly believe you will be with your Perkin again someday at the rainbow bridge! Meanwhile he is not hurting and not suffering--he is well and as beautiful as he always was."

I totally believe that. Perkin is in complete bliss now, and there's no concept of time and space except for us because we're still in these physical bodies. His spirit is still with you; it's only his body that's not here. But he is right with you. He loves you and understands how much you love him.

One of the people here, a friend I met here, recommends reading through old posts and following different people's journeys through their grief. I think it's an excellent suggestion.

Let us know how you are doing.

Love,

Kathy