I had my cat for 13 years, the last four of which he's been ill. Last Tuesday at 7pm I had him put to sleep. For those 13 years, it was just he and I alone together. I've never had many friends as I didn't need them with my beloved Duke for company.
The last half hour of his life was terrifying for him. He hates the vet with a passion and from the moment I put him in the box to the point where he finally died (he had to have two injections as the first one wasn't enough for him) he was paralized with fear.
I had thought about having him put out of his misery so many times, but in the morning I could never do it. This time I did go to the vet and make the appointment and went through with it and I can't believe I've done it.
He was so miserable all the time, he wasn't able to get comfy and lie with his head down. He was always howling and meowing at me making it impossible for me to do anything and then I'd get cross with him, but I loved him so very much. There was nothing I could do to make him better. The vets didn't know what was wrong with him even though he had lots of tests in the early part of his illness. I'd smooth him with the brush which he loved, but then he'd suddenly go for me and you could see from his eyes he didn't have a clue what was going on or even who I was at those moments.
I keep expecting him to come in or to hear him jump off the bed or into the bath where he liked me to run the tap so he could have a drink of water. His hair is everywhere, his things are still around as I haven't had the strength to clear them up. It wouldn't make any difference anyway as I am thinking about him all the time.
When I imagined what it would be like after he'd gone, I thought I'd be relieved to not have him demanding my attention all the time, but I'm not. I'm just feeling hopelessly sad. I'm feeling guilty that I didn't give him more love in his last few days and weeks and I'm really not coping very well at all.
I'm going to work in an hour's time which I'm looking forward to as it's a little easier there as he was never there with me so I don't have the constant reminder, but at home it's hell right now. I can't even begin to describe the feeling when I came home from work yesterday, walked in the door and he wasn't there to roll over and greet me.
Sorry to burden you with this, but I think you might understand whereas I don't know anyone who would even begin to comprehend what I'm going through. I know it will get easier in time, and I'm just wishing the days away until it's better.
Full Version: I Can't Cope
Ruth, on this board you are never a burden - we've all been where you are right now and understand the pain you are going through. The agonizing guilt you are feeling is natural but please know that from what you described you did the most loving thing by ending his pain. His quality life is very important and even though his final hours here on earth were such a struggle it was the right thing to do and he knows you loved him very much. My kitty of 15 years (Buster) also hated going to the vets office and the last time I saw him awake and alert was as they were putting him into a plastic carrier to give him gas to knock him out so they could take x-rays. Believe me, I know how those images can burn into your brain. But you will find it easier to realize in time that you did the right thing by Duke and you gave him 13 years of unconditional love and he also in return. No one wants to think of their furbabies being in pain and discomfort. You keep posting your feelings here - everyone on here shares a common bond and are always willing to offer support. I would have been lost for such a long time if I hadn't found this place!
Take care & God Bless,
Karen
Take care & God Bless,
Karen
Dear Ruth,
Karen is right -- there is no burden out here. We are all here because we need to share our losses with people who understand -- and everyone here understands all too well...
I am so sorry for your loss of Duke. It sounds as though you were good friends to each other. Even if his last moments were hard, he is at the Rainbow Bridge now, where there is no fear, no pain. He is playing like he did as a kitten.
We all know also how terrible and empty the house is when our furbabies are not in it. The sound of the silence can be deafening. I don't know how or if anyone gets used to it. We couldn't stand it and ended up filling our home up with more dogs and cats after our 3 passed last year.
I hope I am not being too nosey in asking what you plan to do with his remains? We buried our dog, and had both our cats cremated. The cats now sit in the kitchen in their urns. I get some comfort from that... It also helped me to make picture collages of them. Some people who bury theirs or scatter ashes make memorial gardens...
I know it feels like you are not coping well, but from your message it does sound like you ARE coping well. As well as you can! The loss of someone you have shared your daily life with for 13 years is tremendously significant -- be very gentle with yourself. Not only was Duke a daily part of your life, but the bond between a person and their furbaby is like no other. Duke loved you for you -- he never cared about the externalities -- wealth, beauty, power-- or any of those irrelevant things. Just a cuddle and a brushing and he thought you were the best. Losing that is tremendous. So do be gentle with yourself.
I am thinking of the two of you.
Best,
Jennifer
Karen is right -- there is no burden out here. We are all here because we need to share our losses with people who understand -- and everyone here understands all too well...
I am so sorry for your loss of Duke. It sounds as though you were good friends to each other. Even if his last moments were hard, he is at the Rainbow Bridge now, where there is no fear, no pain. He is playing like he did as a kitten.
We all know also how terrible and empty the house is when our furbabies are not in it. The sound of the silence can be deafening. I don't know how or if anyone gets used to it. We couldn't stand it and ended up filling our home up with more dogs and cats after our 3 passed last year.
I hope I am not being too nosey in asking what you plan to do with his remains? We buried our dog, and had both our cats cremated. The cats now sit in the kitchen in their urns. I get some comfort from that... It also helped me to make picture collages of them. Some people who bury theirs or scatter ashes make memorial gardens...
I know it feels like you are not coping well, but from your message it does sound like you ARE coping well. As well as you can! The loss of someone you have shared your daily life with for 13 years is tremendously significant -- be very gentle with yourself. Not only was Duke a daily part of your life, but the bond between a person and their furbaby is like no other. Duke loved you for you -- he never cared about the externalities -- wealth, beauty, power-- or any of those irrelevant things. Just a cuddle and a brushing and he thought you were the best. Losing that is tremendous. So do be gentle with yourself.
I am thinking of the two of you.
Best,
Jennifer
Ruth, I am so sorry for your loss. Having to make that final decision is always so hard, but it is certainly something that we give a lot of thought for a long time for when we have a cat who has been ill for a while. I had my 16 year old Oswald euthanized a month ago and he had diabetes for three years. He recovered enough to have it treated with diet but then his kidneys started to fail. I decided not to treat it because he was old and even if sub-cutaneous injections might have worked for a while, it was probably not going to give him much longer. I was expecting to have to make the final appointment for about a year. When I would decide, he would perk up a bit and it bought him a reprieve. But when I did it, it was time. We have to look at the quality of life for them, and I believe that is what you did for Duke. You have written that he didn't recognize you and that he couldn't get comfortable. He is now free of that discomfort. You showed him so much love by making that tough decision.
It is so hard to get the images out of your head about the last hours and days of their lives. Unfortunately, guilt seems to be part and parcel of grief and it is tough to deal with. You say you feel guilty for not offering more love in his last weeks. But you loved him enough to make that tough decision. You loved him for years and offered him a beautiful life with you. You loved him enough to turn the tap on when he was thirsty and enough to rub a brush over him. You may not have been perfect all of the time, but Duke had a great life with you. Try to get through the guilt part of this quickly. It is soul-destroying to dwell on the "could have, should have, would haves". Try to remember the YEARS that you shared happy times with. The happy times are as real as the tough ones were, even though you might have to remind yourself of that.
You wrote that you would get cross with his howling. That is just human - Oswald would get confused at night and howl. If I would call out his name, he would stop for a while. But in his last few months, he would wake me up four or five times a night. Keeping a light on helped a bit and for his last week, I moved onto the hideabed in the den so that he could sleep with me. But he would still wake up confused and howled. I would have fleeting anger about it, impatience, but then I would remind myself that he was old. When I had to clean up the mess by the litterbox because he crawled in and missed, I would feel impatient and when I was giving him his insulin injections twice a day and had to be home to keep him on schedule, I resented it, too. Plus paying the hefty vet bills was burdensome some months. But I did it for him because I loved him. That is normal, so please don't bludgeon yourself with it. You still loved Duke, and he knew it. He loved you back, and you knew it. That is all that truly matters.
Dee Dee
It is so hard to get the images out of your head about the last hours and days of their lives. Unfortunately, guilt seems to be part and parcel of grief and it is tough to deal with. You say you feel guilty for not offering more love in his last weeks. But you loved him enough to make that tough decision. You loved him for years and offered him a beautiful life with you. You loved him enough to turn the tap on when he was thirsty and enough to rub a brush over him. You may not have been perfect all of the time, but Duke had a great life with you. Try to get through the guilt part of this quickly. It is soul-destroying to dwell on the "could have, should have, would haves". Try to remember the YEARS that you shared happy times with. The happy times are as real as the tough ones were, even though you might have to remind yourself of that.
You wrote that you would get cross with his howling. That is just human - Oswald would get confused at night and howl. If I would call out his name, he would stop for a while. But in his last few months, he would wake me up four or five times a night. Keeping a light on helped a bit and for his last week, I moved onto the hideabed in the den so that he could sleep with me. But he would still wake up confused and howled. I would have fleeting anger about it, impatience, but then I would remind myself that he was old. When I had to clean up the mess by the litterbox because he crawled in and missed, I would feel impatient and when I was giving him his insulin injections twice a day and had to be home to keep him on schedule, I resented it, too. Plus paying the hefty vet bills was burdensome some months. But I did it for him because I loved him. That is normal, so please don't bludgeon yourself with it. You still loved Duke, and he knew it. He loved you back, and you knew it. That is all that truly matters.
Dee Dee
Dear Ruth,
I am so sorry to hear about Duke. Of course, you are NOT a burden here (I've felt I was too sometimes and have always been assured I wasn't). Please keep posting and read some of the old posts. We have all been through much of what you are going through. We know how much it hurts and how some days your ability to cope is much better than others. Some days are just awful. It's been 3+ months since I had my precious little girl, Hannah, an almost 16-year old Yorkie-Poo, put to sleep. Her "last day" didn't go as I planned either. She howled/screamed when they gave her the shot of valium before they gave the other shot. NOTHING went the way I had wanted it to. It was not peaceful. It was awful, so I understand. I still wonder too how in the world I was able to have my precious little girl who I loved and who loved me so much put to sleep. All I wanted, and even now, just wish she could be back here with me. After it was all over, I would have done anything to take it back, to bring her back. I just wanted my Hannah back. I am still working on understanding that what I did what what needed to be done. It's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. But we know we didn't do it for ourselves, and we certainly didn't do it because we wanted to.
I lost my little ##atiel Babe, who I hand-fed and had for about 7 years. I adopted two new dogs from the shelter and one of them killed Babe on the 3-month anniversary of Hannah. I felt and still feel so guilty about that, although I don't talk as much about poor little Babe as I do Hannah, I still miss him too. I lost both my best little friends in a 3-month period. It is true my life will never be the same again, but I intend to honor both my little ones by helping other people and animals.
And, yes, we all know how your home is not a home anymore without your beloved Duke. He was your best friend, and you were his. There's no doubt in my mind you did all you could for Duke and that you did the best thing for him. As someone else here said, he is not in pain anymore. You are the one in pain now, horrible pain.
I identify so much with Dee Dee's second paragraph, in particular. I wish I knew how to use the "quote" feature here, but I don't. Every word is true. Somehow we have to come to terms with it and not let it destroy us or make us lose too many hours, days and/or months of our lives. And also you were so kind and loving to Duke. He had 13 years of being loved by you and loving you, best friends you two! Like everyone said, we're not perfect. We are only human, and I'm sure that what you went through for the last four years was not only very difficult for you, but very painful for you too. There are not many people in this world who would have done what you did, Ruth. I admire you and it's people like you and the others here who give me hope for a better world and especially hope that one day all animals will be respected and treated humanely.
All of your feelings are natural and normal, and it does not feel like you can bear it, but you will be able to, Ruth. It's just going to take time. We will be here for you. You've come to a wonderful "place," with the most compassionate, sympathetic, understanding people you could possibly imagine.
Bless you Ruth.
Marcia
Baby Hannah's Mom and Babe's Mom
I am so sorry to hear about Duke. Of course, you are NOT a burden here (I've felt I was too sometimes and have always been assured I wasn't). Please keep posting and read some of the old posts. We have all been through much of what you are going through. We know how much it hurts and how some days your ability to cope is much better than others. Some days are just awful. It's been 3+ months since I had my precious little girl, Hannah, an almost 16-year old Yorkie-Poo, put to sleep. Her "last day" didn't go as I planned either. She howled/screamed when they gave her the shot of valium before they gave the other shot. NOTHING went the way I had wanted it to. It was not peaceful. It was awful, so I understand. I still wonder too how in the world I was able to have my precious little girl who I loved and who loved me so much put to sleep. All I wanted, and even now, just wish she could be back here with me. After it was all over, I would have done anything to take it back, to bring her back. I just wanted my Hannah back. I am still working on understanding that what I did what what needed to be done. It's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. But we know we didn't do it for ourselves, and we certainly didn't do it because we wanted to.
I lost my little ##atiel Babe, who I hand-fed and had for about 7 years. I adopted two new dogs from the shelter and one of them killed Babe on the 3-month anniversary of Hannah. I felt and still feel so guilty about that, although I don't talk as much about poor little Babe as I do Hannah, I still miss him too. I lost both my best little friends in a 3-month period. It is true my life will never be the same again, but I intend to honor both my little ones by helping other people and animals.
And, yes, we all know how your home is not a home anymore without your beloved Duke. He was your best friend, and you were his. There's no doubt in my mind you did all you could for Duke and that you did the best thing for him. As someone else here said, he is not in pain anymore. You are the one in pain now, horrible pain.
I identify so much with Dee Dee's second paragraph, in particular. I wish I knew how to use the "quote" feature here, but I don't. Every word is true. Somehow we have to come to terms with it and not let it destroy us or make us lose too many hours, days and/or months of our lives. And also you were so kind and loving to Duke. He had 13 years of being loved by you and loving you, best friends you two! Like everyone said, we're not perfect. We are only human, and I'm sure that what you went through for the last four years was not only very difficult for you, but very painful for you too. There are not many people in this world who would have done what you did, Ruth. I admire you and it's people like you and the others here who give me hope for a better world and especially hope that one day all animals will be respected and treated humanely.
All of your feelings are natural and normal, and it does not feel like you can bear it, but you will be able to, Ruth. It's just going to take time. We will be here for you. You've come to a wonderful "place," with the most compassionate, sympathetic, understanding people you could possibly imagine.
Bless you Ruth.
Marcia
Baby Hannah's Mom and Babe's Mom
Ruth, our new friend, my thoughts are with you. We all understand what you are feeling and I can remember the night I had Jesse put to sleep - sitting on my bed, with my head hanging down - it was the most lost, guilty, sad feeling I can ever imagine feeling.
I can tell that you know all the things I might say - how he's no longer in pain, how you had no choice, how you saved him from suffering... you've said some of that yourself here.
What I will say again - and I've shared this thought with other people before - is that one day, when we're lying in pain with no hope of being healed... I hope on that day someone is strong enough to help me pass on and escape the suffering.
What deeper show of love can you make than to place yourself in front of the pain and take a hit to the heart - to save them.
I can tell that you know all the things I might say - how he's no longer in pain, how you had no choice, how you saved him from suffering... you've said some of that yourself here.
What I will say again - and I've shared this thought with other people before - is that one day, when we're lying in pain with no hope of being healed... I hope on that day someone is strong enough to help me pass on and escape the suffering.
What deeper show of love can you make than to place yourself in front of the pain and take a hit to the heart - to save them.
Dear Ruth,
As everyone has told you ... you are not a burden. We are all here for the same reasons (unfortunately) and we all understand exactly what you are feeling.
I lost my Snoops almost a year ago ( it will be a year in September). He had a brain tumor and the last 8 months of his life were difficult for both of us. I understand about the indecision surrounding that final decision ... I took kept going back and forth until it got to the point where it needed to happen. I haven't really talked much on here lately as I have been having a hard time with his death ... even after all these months I still cry and I still miss him terribly.
A friend of mine told me that when the tears come and you don't think they will ever stop ... to try and remember the funny things that Snoops did that made me laugh. It was really hard to do at first but eventually it did help me to smile.
Try not to drive yourself crazy with the I wish I had's ... you did the absolute best that you could and Duke knows this better than anyone. My Snoops at the end didn't really recognize me half the time, he couldn't sit still (due to the tumor), and he forgot totally about where he was supposed to go. This drove me crazy and yes at times I yelled at him too ... just like you did with Duke. This is natural ... I think this comes partly from the annoyance at the time but also part of this is from the frustration of not being able to help the little guy. This does not mean you are a bad person nor does it mean that you didn't love Duke. Duke understands this ... probably better than we do. Letting your Duke go was the single most selfless thing you could ever do for him. It is for sure that one act of love that is completely for him. He loves you for that ... and I like to think that he is waiting patiently at the bridge young and healthy. You will see him again ... I firmly believe that and until you do try and remember the good parts of his life (this part does get easier ... I speak from experience).
The first few weeks are by far the hardest ... feel free to come here and pour your heart out if you need to. Everyone here will understand and support you ... we have all been there and we all care.
Hugs,
Beth
As everyone has told you ... you are not a burden. We are all here for the same reasons (unfortunately) and we all understand exactly what you are feeling.
I lost my Snoops almost a year ago ( it will be a year in September). He had a brain tumor and the last 8 months of his life were difficult for both of us. I understand about the indecision surrounding that final decision ... I took kept going back and forth until it got to the point where it needed to happen. I haven't really talked much on here lately as I have been having a hard time with his death ... even after all these months I still cry and I still miss him terribly.
A friend of mine told me that when the tears come and you don't think they will ever stop ... to try and remember the funny things that Snoops did that made me laugh. It was really hard to do at first but eventually it did help me to smile.
Try not to drive yourself crazy with the I wish I had's ... you did the absolute best that you could and Duke knows this better than anyone. My Snoops at the end didn't really recognize me half the time, he couldn't sit still (due to the tumor), and he forgot totally about where he was supposed to go. This drove me crazy and yes at times I yelled at him too ... just like you did with Duke. This is natural ... I think this comes partly from the annoyance at the time but also part of this is from the frustration of not being able to help the little guy. This does not mean you are a bad person nor does it mean that you didn't love Duke. Duke understands this ... probably better than we do. Letting your Duke go was the single most selfless thing you could ever do for him. It is for sure that one act of love that is completely for him. He loves you for that ... and I like to think that he is waiting patiently at the bridge young and healthy. You will see him again ... I firmly believe that and until you do try and remember the good parts of his life (this part does get easier ... I speak from experience).
The first few weeks are by far the hardest ... feel free to come here and pour your heart out if you need to. Everyone here will understand and support you ... we have all been there and we all care.
Hugs,
Beth
http://www.angelbluemist.com/aplaceforus.html
I like to bring back some of the more thought provoking stuff every now and then. And someone pointed out to me recently - I've been here a long, long time. And although my own grief resurfaces from time to time, I have come to terms with the loss. Sites like this helped.
I like to bring back some of the more thought provoking stuff every now and then. And someone pointed out to me recently - I've been here a long, long time. And although my own grief resurfaces from time to time, I have come to terms with the loss. Sites like this helped.
Thank you so much for your kind words and support. I'm glad I found this forum as it allows me to make more sense of what I'm feeling. Over the last couple of days, I've read lots of your posts and I'm beginning to realise these feelings of guilt are something we all share for one reason or another which is very reassuring.
I've been reading about Buster and Oswald and all the other beloved pets that have been lost. I don't actually believe in an afterlife, but yesterday I found myself talking to my father who died 8 years ago and asking him to look after my baby.
Saki and Freyja's Mom, I was worried that I'd have to organise what to do with him myself, but fortunately the vet had it all in hand and offered me a one animal cremation and I'll get his ashes back sometime next week. I was really glad I didn't have to deal with that on top of everything else. I'm happy that I'm able to get him back as I'll be able to have what's left of him at home with me again. I have some photographs, not many which I want to put round the container I finally put him in. I also read on this forum of someone having a locket with their pet's fur inside. I like this idea - the vet gave me the fur she'd shaved off his legs for the injections. Plus some she shaved off the white tip of his tail before I could stop her.
I've managed to hold it together at work as I can't just burst into tears, and it's helpful being there where he never was. I'm normally so eager to get home, but today I didn't feel like coming home because the house would be empty. Maybe I should come home at lunch times so I can practice going in and out of the door until it becomes easier!
I used to hate leaving him in the morning to go to work when he was ill, but on the other hand I also was relieved to leave him for the day so I didn't have to watch him being miserable and unwell and I could have a bit of peace and quiet.
I know life is going to be easier for me after I've got over some of the heartache. I'll actually be able to sit at the computer like I am now without him whining at my side or having to deal with his constant demands. I'll even be able to have a holiday! I didn't like leaving Duke and I certainly would never have put him in a boarding kennel, so I've not been away from home for more than two nights since I've had him. The last four years since he's been ill, I've only been away one night at a time and that wasn't very often. This is going to sound pathetic but when people asked me where I was going on holiday, I'd always make up some daft excuse not involving the cat because they'd think I was crazy to be so devoted to him. My family knew, and I'm sure they think I'm batty.
It's my mother's birthday on Saturday - she's having a bit of a party with my sister and her two children. I'm going to it but I haven't told her what's happened yet. She knows how much I care for Duke, so if I told her she will be sad that I'm sad and I can't do that to her until after her birthday. I'd also like to be a bit stronger so I don't break down into a blubbering jelly. The thing is she or my sister or both might very well ask after him, and even worse if there are bits of ham left over she'll put them in a bag for me to take home for him. I'm going to have to find the strength to deal with it and either change the topic of conversation quickly or make an excuse to leave the room if I feel I can't maintain my composure.
BabyHannahsMom, Duke didn't howl when he was put to sleep, but he was terrified and I didn't like the fact that he had to have two injections. On the positive side, as soon as the second one went in he was gone. In my mind, I had imagined he'd go to sleep then die, but he didn't. He went from wide eyed to limp with his second eyelid covering his still open eyes and a grimace on his face. I don't think he suffered because it was just too fast, but it would have been good if he'd had a few moments to sleep first. Regarding doing anything to have Hannah back, I've thought about what it would like to have Duke back a lot. If I could click my fingers and he'd return, it would be very tempting. But where would that leave us. Yes, it would be wonderful to have him in my arms again, but the first time I wanted to do anything other that pay him attention, he'd start yowling again and I'd have to watch as he tried to sit down all hunched up and crying and not be able to sprawl out and go to sleep. The only thing I should have done, is dealt with this earlier when it became apparent that he wasn't going to get any better.
Sorry deedee, that's guilt coming through again and I will try and focus on the positive images which made us so happy together.
Thanks for the link DJ - like I said I'm not a particularly religious of spiritual person, but it was a beautiful piece. Strangely, if there were any sort of indication from him that he were happy and still loved me I would take it without &%^ysing.
I've rambled a lot, but since he died all I can do is write. My diary entries are pages long as it helps me to get my feelings down on paper/screen.
Thanks again for your kind words and sympathy. It's good to be somewhere where I can express my emotions without being thought of as bonkers.
I've been reading about Buster and Oswald and all the other beloved pets that have been lost. I don't actually believe in an afterlife, but yesterday I found myself talking to my father who died 8 years ago and asking him to look after my baby.
Saki and Freyja's Mom, I was worried that I'd have to organise what to do with him myself, but fortunately the vet had it all in hand and offered me a one animal cremation and I'll get his ashes back sometime next week. I was really glad I didn't have to deal with that on top of everything else. I'm happy that I'm able to get him back as I'll be able to have what's left of him at home with me again. I have some photographs, not many which I want to put round the container I finally put him in. I also read on this forum of someone having a locket with their pet's fur inside. I like this idea - the vet gave me the fur she'd shaved off his legs for the injections. Plus some she shaved off the white tip of his tail before I could stop her.
I've managed to hold it together at work as I can't just burst into tears, and it's helpful being there where he never was. I'm normally so eager to get home, but today I didn't feel like coming home because the house would be empty. Maybe I should come home at lunch times so I can practice going in and out of the door until it becomes easier!
I used to hate leaving him in the morning to go to work when he was ill, but on the other hand I also was relieved to leave him for the day so I didn't have to watch him being miserable and unwell and I could have a bit of peace and quiet.
I know life is going to be easier for me after I've got over some of the heartache. I'll actually be able to sit at the computer like I am now without him whining at my side or having to deal with his constant demands. I'll even be able to have a holiday! I didn't like leaving Duke and I certainly would never have put him in a boarding kennel, so I've not been away from home for more than two nights since I've had him. The last four years since he's been ill, I've only been away one night at a time and that wasn't very often. This is going to sound pathetic but when people asked me where I was going on holiday, I'd always make up some daft excuse not involving the cat because they'd think I was crazy to be so devoted to him. My family knew, and I'm sure they think I'm batty.
It's my mother's birthday on Saturday - she's having a bit of a party with my sister and her two children. I'm going to it but I haven't told her what's happened yet. She knows how much I care for Duke, so if I told her she will be sad that I'm sad and I can't do that to her until after her birthday. I'd also like to be a bit stronger so I don't break down into a blubbering jelly. The thing is she or my sister or both might very well ask after him, and even worse if there are bits of ham left over she'll put them in a bag for me to take home for him. I'm going to have to find the strength to deal with it and either change the topic of conversation quickly or make an excuse to leave the room if I feel I can't maintain my composure.
BabyHannahsMom, Duke didn't howl when he was put to sleep, but he was terrified and I didn't like the fact that he had to have two injections. On the positive side, as soon as the second one went in he was gone. In my mind, I had imagined he'd go to sleep then die, but he didn't. He went from wide eyed to limp with his second eyelid covering his still open eyes and a grimace on his face. I don't think he suffered because it was just too fast, but it would have been good if he'd had a few moments to sleep first. Regarding doing anything to have Hannah back, I've thought about what it would like to have Duke back a lot. If I could click my fingers and he'd return, it would be very tempting. But where would that leave us. Yes, it would be wonderful to have him in my arms again, but the first time I wanted to do anything other that pay him attention, he'd start yowling again and I'd have to watch as he tried to sit down all hunched up and crying and not be able to sprawl out and go to sleep. The only thing I should have done, is dealt with this earlier when it became apparent that he wasn't going to get any better.
Sorry deedee, that's guilt coming through again and I will try and focus on the positive images which made us so happy together.
Thanks for the link DJ - like I said I'm not a particularly religious of spiritual person, but it was a beautiful piece. Strangely, if there were any sort of indication from him that he were happy and still loved me I would take it without &%^ysing.
I've rambled a lot, but since he died all I can do is write. My diary entries are pages long as it helps me to get my feelings down on paper/screen.
Thanks again for your kind words and sympathy. It's good to be somewhere where I can express my emotions without being thought of as bonkers.
Please don't apologize to me for what you are feeling. It is still so new to you and it is an incredibly painful process, grief is. I am still not at the point where it is the positives that come to mind when I think about Ozzer, but that is starting to happen now. I still remember how poorly he was doing for the last week of his life very constantly, and all of the health-related problems he suffered from. I also feel a bit of guilt for not choosing to treat him but, conversely, for keeping him going for as long as I did. No matter what path we take, guilt creeps in.
I also feel a bit guilty for feeling relief at some points because, like you, his health problems with the diabetes dictated my schedule when it was active. I never got to sleep in on weekends because I had to keep him to a pretty strict regimen, so I got up the same time that I did during the week. I also had to go home from whatever I was doing within a certain time-frame to feed him and give him his shots in the evening. When I took vacations, he seemed to get worse, even with paying a catsitter familiar with diabetes to come in twice a day. He was very attached to me and his health problems were exacerbated when I was gone for more than a day or two. I am going on vacation soon, and I don't have to worry quite as much as I used to - the other cats are young and I have a neighbour coming in for them. It is also nice to sleep through an entire night without being awakened by howling. And I had to think about this final decision for quite a while due to his health problems. I had made two other appointments and he perked up a bit, so I cancelled them. So I feel a bit of guilt because the relief is there, too. I did love him and I miss him greatly, but if I could have him back, it would not be the way he was for the past few years. If I could snap my fingers and have him return, it would be for the first seven or eight years of his life, not the last ones where the quality of life wasn't good. So I feel guilty about thinking that.
All of the things that you are feeling now are normal. It is the full gamut of everything and it is brought on by grief and mourning. But please don't apologize for being in grief now. It is a process and each tear is proof of your capacity to love.
Dee Dee
I also feel a bit guilty for feeling relief at some points because, like you, his health problems with the diabetes dictated my schedule when it was active. I never got to sleep in on weekends because I had to keep him to a pretty strict regimen, so I got up the same time that I did during the week. I also had to go home from whatever I was doing within a certain time-frame to feed him and give him his shots in the evening. When I took vacations, he seemed to get worse, even with paying a catsitter familiar with diabetes to come in twice a day. He was very attached to me and his health problems were exacerbated when I was gone for more than a day or two. I am going on vacation soon, and I don't have to worry quite as much as I used to - the other cats are young and I have a neighbour coming in for them. It is also nice to sleep through an entire night without being awakened by howling. And I had to think about this final decision for quite a while due to his health problems. I had made two other appointments and he perked up a bit, so I cancelled them. So I feel a bit of guilt because the relief is there, too. I did love him and I miss him greatly, but if I could have him back, it would not be the way he was for the past few years. If I could snap my fingers and have him return, it would be for the first seven or eight years of his life, not the last ones where the quality of life wasn't good. So I feel guilty about thinking that.
All of the things that you are feeling now are normal. It is the full gamut of everything and it is brought on by grief and mourning. But please don't apologize for being in grief now. It is a process and each tear is proof of your capacity to love.
Dee Dee
Dear Ruth, I'm glad you found this place, and will stay and talk to us as long as you need to. I found it when my 15 1/2 year old Samantha had to be helped to the Rainbow Bridge on June 14 after a sudden devastating illness. My posts about her are probably a few pages back by now, so I'm not going to repeat it all, just to say the people here have been such a help to me, letting me talk about feelings and experiences I couldn't share with anybody else-all the second-guessing, what-if's, the habits of years that take so long to go away, the little shadow or movement seen out of the corner of the eye, the dreams....
I feel a special kinship with you, because long, long ago I had a cat named Duke, who also was with me for 13 years, a dark tiger with brilliant green eyes. We rescued him after my son saw him crawl up into a car engine in a busy shopping center. We waited and waited till the car owner came out, and my son said, "Lady, there's a cat in your engine!" Couldn't find his owners, and that fine, dignified, gentlemanly cat came home with us and was a great companion.
I hope it will help you if you tell us some of the good stories about your Duke, what he looked like, how he came to be with you, what special things he did. I'd like to hear about him, and I bet the others would too. Sending hugs.
Athena
I feel a special kinship with you, because long, long ago I had a cat named Duke, who also was with me for 13 years, a dark tiger with brilliant green eyes. We rescued him after my son saw him crawl up into a car engine in a busy shopping center. We waited and waited till the car owner came out, and my son said, "Lady, there's a cat in your engine!" Couldn't find his owners, and that fine, dignified, gentlemanly cat came home with us and was a great companion.
I hope it will help you if you tell us some of the good stories about your Duke, what he looked like, how he came to be with you, what special things he did. I'd like to hear about him, and I bet the others would too. Sending hugs.
Athena
Thank you deedee. We seem to have been through a similar process. When you think about your Ozzer do you seem him as the unwell cat he became or the bouncy bright eyed thing he was? I'm hoping that I will start to have clearer memories of Duke the way he was before he was ill.
I wouldn't dream of writing this anywhere else on the net, and not many people know about it, but an unusual thing happened when my father died. He had been in hospital for 10 weeks slowly wasting away. He looked like a man who was dying. The night he died I didn't go to bed but instead went for a long walk and all I could see was him looking gaunt and pale and desperately ill. The next night I slept well and in the morning, the image had totally gone!! Although if I thought about it, I knew what he had looked like when he was ill and probably could describe it, all I could see in my mind's eye was him as a fit and well man the way he had been before he went into hospital. It was if my mind couldn't cope with the image of him being ill, so just wiped that picture from it's databanks. I've never experienced anything like it but I'm sure it made it much easier for me than it would have been otherwise.
I totally agree with the snapping fingers bit. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have him back as an ill cat because we'd only have to go through it all again, but I'd do anything to have him back as a well cat who would live his life out naturally just slowing down and passing on towards the end. I guess that doesn't happen very often. I remember a work colleague telling me about an old cat he had, and one day he got up to find her curled up in front of the radiator like she always was but passed away. If passing on can be untraumatic, this was about as untraumatic as it could get. There have been many nights when he's been curled up beside me in bed where I have wished to wake up and find Duke peacefully passed away, but in the back of my mind I always knew that wasn't to be and I'd have to take that fateful decision one day.
Deedee, how did you explain to people why you had to leave early? Did they understand if you told them you had to treat your cat.
Like you, I put off the appointment for a long time - too long. Duke would be really bad in the evening and I'd go to bed convinced the next day I'd make an appointment at the vets, but in the morning he'd come up the bed to cuddle me and be much better and I couldn't do it. I'm still not quite sure why Tuesday was different. He had been getting worse, but he'd had really bad days before. One of the things that may have swayed it for me was he'd been finding it harder and harder to get up and down the stairs on his own. He was slow and starting to become unsteady on his hind legs. I picked him up to carry him downstairs so he wouldn't have to walk down himself, but he squealed and when I put him down I'd obviously hurt him because he was holding his leg up then he just flopped and cleaned the injured leg. I've been careful about picking him up since he's been ill, always supporting him properly and doing it slowly so it was devastating to realise I'd hurt him like that.
On the Monday night I thought about having him put down, but I'd thought about it so many times that it wasn't that unusual. I suppose I never really believed I'd go through with it. I'd did the normal things I would do in the evening. I played on the computer, watched some TV and didn't give Duke any more attention than he would normally get. It was only when I'd made the appointment that I knew there was no going back. I had an hour and a half with him. I watched him stumble out into the garden where he spotted a bird and I said to myself if he leaps over the fence and catches it, I'll cancel the appointment, but he didn't. He couldn't have run or leapt if he wanted to, but then he didn't know his life depended on this final act.
I wouldn't dream of writing this anywhere else on the net, and not many people know about it, but an unusual thing happened when my father died. He had been in hospital for 10 weeks slowly wasting away. He looked like a man who was dying. The night he died I didn't go to bed but instead went for a long walk and all I could see was him looking gaunt and pale and desperately ill. The next night I slept well and in the morning, the image had totally gone!! Although if I thought about it, I knew what he had looked like when he was ill and probably could describe it, all I could see in my mind's eye was him as a fit and well man the way he had been before he went into hospital. It was if my mind couldn't cope with the image of him being ill, so just wiped that picture from it's databanks. I've never experienced anything like it but I'm sure it made it much easier for me than it would have been otherwise.
I totally agree with the snapping fingers bit. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have him back as an ill cat because we'd only have to go through it all again, but I'd do anything to have him back as a well cat who would live his life out naturally just slowing down and passing on towards the end. I guess that doesn't happen very often. I remember a work colleague telling me about an old cat he had, and one day he got up to find her curled up in front of the radiator like she always was but passed away. If passing on can be untraumatic, this was about as untraumatic as it could get. There have been many nights when he's been curled up beside me in bed where I have wished to wake up and find Duke peacefully passed away, but in the back of my mind I always knew that wasn't to be and I'd have to take that fateful decision one day.
Deedee, how did you explain to people why you had to leave early? Did they understand if you told them you had to treat your cat.
Like you, I put off the appointment for a long time - too long. Duke would be really bad in the evening and I'd go to bed convinced the next day I'd make an appointment at the vets, but in the morning he'd come up the bed to cuddle me and be much better and I couldn't do it. I'm still not quite sure why Tuesday was different. He had been getting worse, but he'd had really bad days before. One of the things that may have swayed it for me was he'd been finding it harder and harder to get up and down the stairs on his own. He was slow and starting to become unsteady on his hind legs. I picked him up to carry him downstairs so he wouldn't have to walk down himself, but he squealed and when I put him down I'd obviously hurt him because he was holding his leg up then he just flopped and cleaned the injured leg. I've been careful about picking him up since he's been ill, always supporting him properly and doing it slowly so it was devastating to realise I'd hurt him like that.
On the Monday night I thought about having him put down, but I'd thought about it so many times that it wasn't that unusual. I suppose I never really believed I'd go through with it. I'd did the normal things I would do in the evening. I played on the computer, watched some TV and didn't give Duke any more attention than he would normally get. It was only when I'd made the appointment that I knew there was no going back. I had an hour and a half with him. I watched him stumble out into the garden where he spotted a bird and I said to myself if he leaps over the fence and catches it, I'll cancel the appointment, but he didn't. He couldn't have run or leapt if he wanted to, but then he didn't know his life depended on this final act.
Sorry Athena, I didn't see your post until after I had replied. The thing is Duke was a stupid name for my cat. I got him from an animal rescue centre and the litter of kittens were all given letters from the alphabet. He was in the 'D' litter with his brothers and sisters, Duchess and some others. He had the tag round his neck with his name on it when I picked him up and I fully intended to rename him because he was such a daft so and so and not regal at all. However, I never got round to it and the name just stuck. When he was outside with the other cats in the neighbourhood he was always bottom of the ladder, not like a lord of the realm as befitted his name. He was soft to the core and I was frequently had to go out to rescue him because I could hear some other cat having a dig at him.
He didn't have any friends in the cat world until my neighbour Anne who was a lovely woman moved in with her daughter and her neutered tom in 1995. At first I didn't like her cat being in my garden because Duke would be scared of him but as time went by they became the bestest mates. When I think back now, one of my fondest memories is of the spring and summer of 96. I'd stand and look out to the back garden and just laugh and smile as I saw Duke and her cat run across one garden to another leaping the fences as they went. Sometimes Duke would follow Miffy sometimes Miffy would follow Duke, but where one was the other was not far behind.
Duke wouldn't normally enter anybody else's house for which I was thankful, but he was so comfortable with Miffy that Anne told me that she went upstairs one day to find Miffy asleep on the bed with Duke beside him. I would have loved to have seen that.
Unfortunately Miffy disappeared soon after - I remember going out with Duke in the darkness to help search for him but he never returned. Then she moved away and he's never had a cat friend since.
He didn't have any friends in the cat world until my neighbour Anne who was a lovely woman moved in with her daughter and her neutered tom in 1995. At first I didn't like her cat being in my garden because Duke would be scared of him but as time went by they became the bestest mates. When I think back now, one of my fondest memories is of the spring and summer of 96. I'd stand and look out to the back garden and just laugh and smile as I saw Duke and her cat run across one garden to another leaping the fences as they went. Sometimes Duke would follow Miffy sometimes Miffy would follow Duke, but where one was the other was not far behind.
Duke wouldn't normally enter anybody else's house for which I was thankful, but he was so comfortable with Miffy that Anne told me that she went upstairs one day to find Miffy asleep on the bed with Duke beside him. I would have loved to have seen that.
Unfortunately Miffy disappeared soon after - I remember going out with Duke in the darkness to help search for him but he never returned. Then she moved away and he's never had a cat friend since.
I am starting to remember what he was like before he got old and frail. I still have the image of what he looked like shortly before and I will always carry our last full day together in my mind (we hung around in the garden together. It was the last day of spring and it was warm. I watched him hobble through the flowers. He was staggering quite a bit and he had to lay down constantly. But he followed me around when I gardened. Now, though, I think about him more as though he were all of his ages.
What you did, taking care of a sick cat, is something that many people wouldn't do. You gave him a warm home, physically and emotionally, and he was blessed, as were you to share his lifetime with him.
What you did, taking care of a sick cat, is something that many people wouldn't do. You gave him a warm home, physically and emotionally, and he was blessed, as were you to share his lifetime with him.
dearest Ruth,
I think you were writing about me!--I am the one who has Ginger's fur in a locket.
So many things in your post strike a chord for me.
Like the fact that one day you might be able to go somewhere without having to worry about Duke.
Won't that be different!!
The cat in my avatar died after surgery because of an accident, but I still have one cat--Ruggles who is
a senior citizen. I never go places either because I wouldn't leave them. It kind of aggravates everyone, but that is just the way it is.
My mother died just a couple of weeks after Ginger did. So I had the nurse cut off one of my mom's beautiful white curls and I put it in the locket with Ginger's fur. luckily it is a 2 sided locket so that works. I haven't taken it off since I put it on. It does comfort me. To someone else all that might sound a bit macabre---but I figure if it was good enough for the Victorians it's ok by me.
So many people have replied to your post exactly as I would have. Your Duke was suffering and you took the high ground. You put Duke above you and made him the highest priority. I have a friend who was unable to take his cat to the vet for all the same reasons we didn't want to! His cat suffered for many hours. He told me in no uncertain terms that if he could do it again he would have done the more courageous thing---taken him to the vet for euthanasia. The other way is NOT right at all!! You know, birth is a struggle and a "natural death" is a real struggle..but we are allowed to make it easier for them. What a wonderful gift to be able to provide. Duke was there for you for many years and in the end you were there for him. Not just for the good times, but for the hard times. For when he was cranky and for when he needed you most, for the most difficult of all days when you had to square your shoulders and do the best thing for Duke.
thank you for being such a wonderful owner and friend to your Duke. He is playing and cavorting at the rainbow bridge until he can be re-united with you.
saying a prayer that you feel better soon
Patti
I think you were writing about me!--I am the one who has Ginger's fur in a locket.
So many things in your post strike a chord for me.
Like the fact that one day you might be able to go somewhere without having to worry about Duke.
Won't that be different!!
The cat in my avatar died after surgery because of an accident, but I still have one cat--Ruggles who is
a senior citizen. I never go places either because I wouldn't leave them. It kind of aggravates everyone, but that is just the way it is.
My mother died just a couple of weeks after Ginger did. So I had the nurse cut off one of my mom's beautiful white curls and I put it in the locket with Ginger's fur. luckily it is a 2 sided locket so that works. I haven't taken it off since I put it on. It does comfort me. To someone else all that might sound a bit macabre---but I figure if it was good enough for the Victorians it's ok by me.
So many people have replied to your post exactly as I would have. Your Duke was suffering and you took the high ground. You put Duke above you and made him the highest priority. I have a friend who was unable to take his cat to the vet for all the same reasons we didn't want to! His cat suffered for many hours. He told me in no uncertain terms that if he could do it again he would have done the more courageous thing---taken him to the vet for euthanasia. The other way is NOT right at all!! You know, birth is a struggle and a "natural death" is a real struggle..but we are allowed to make it easier for them. What a wonderful gift to be able to provide. Duke was there for you for many years and in the end you were there for him. Not just for the good times, but for the hard times. For when he was cranky and for when he needed you most, for the most difficult of all days when you had to square your shoulders and do the best thing for Duke.
thank you for being such a wonderful owner and friend to your Duke. He is playing and cavorting at the rainbow bridge until he can be re-united with you.
saying a prayer that you feel better soon
Patti
deedee, it sounds like Ozzer had a lovely last day. Duke too used to love to be in the garden with me. If he thought I was watching, he'd show off and play with clumps of mown grass like they were mice. When I mowed the lawn last Saturday, he sat in his favourite spot just watching and enjoying the sunshine.
Gingerspal, my heart goes out to you to lose your mother so soon after your best friend. I just cannot imagine how awful that must have been for you. I will buy a special locket for his fur so I can have him next to my heart from now on.
I've been sitting here the last couple of hours just staring into space and thinking. Whereas normally the days rush by, I can't make time go fast enough.
For every action, there was an equal reaction from my boy. For 13 years it was just the two of us and I knew him so well. Everything I do reminds me of him because he'd always react in some way. Little things like going into the kitchen. If he were outside as soon as he spotted me he'd come bowling through the cat flap, or if he were inside he'd follow me and put his head in the fridge every time I opened it. When I took my shoes off he'd play with the laces while I smoothed him and he purred. If I went out the front door to do the rubbish, he'd always come outside with me unless it was raining when he'd just stand on the step. When I'd go upstairs if he were up to it, he'd follow me, and there was this thing he did when I changed the sheets which involved bouncing on the bed.
I miss him so much and I just feel wretched that I wasn't kinder to him in his last days. Even on the Monday, I never really believed I'd do it as I'd thought about it so often and hadn't been able to go through with it. I need to clear up his stuff - his litter tray is still sitting there, but I can't bring myself to do it.
Tomorrow I've got to be strong, but my eyes are these big red swollen blotches so I'll have to try and stop crying so no one notices and asks me what's wrong.
It's so odd that every time I thought about it, I thought I'd be sad for a while but incredibly relieved for us both. I don't feel relieved at all. All the things I thought I'd able to do without his demands for attention, I haven't felt like doing anyway. I know things will change in due course, but at the moment I just come home pour a glass of vodka, chain smoke, write, think, drift off to sleep at some point, then the cycle starts again. I know it's very early days and even in a week's time, the pain won't be as great as it is at the moment and I might even feel like doing 'normal' things like watching the tv or eating a meal, but right now nothing is normal.
I'm so sorry that I'm not being very supportive of anyone else here who have all been through, or are going through the same emotions. I know all the things you say are right, but I just need time for them to come true for me.
Gingerspal, my heart goes out to you to lose your mother so soon after your best friend. I just cannot imagine how awful that must have been for you. I will buy a special locket for his fur so I can have him next to my heart from now on.
I've been sitting here the last couple of hours just staring into space and thinking. Whereas normally the days rush by, I can't make time go fast enough.
For every action, there was an equal reaction from my boy. For 13 years it was just the two of us and I knew him so well. Everything I do reminds me of him because he'd always react in some way. Little things like going into the kitchen. If he were outside as soon as he spotted me he'd come bowling through the cat flap, or if he were inside he'd follow me and put his head in the fridge every time I opened it. When I took my shoes off he'd play with the laces while I smoothed him and he purred. If I went out the front door to do the rubbish, he'd always come outside with me unless it was raining when he'd just stand on the step. When I'd go upstairs if he were up to it, he'd follow me, and there was this thing he did when I changed the sheets which involved bouncing on the bed.
I miss him so much and I just feel wretched that I wasn't kinder to him in his last days. Even on the Monday, I never really believed I'd do it as I'd thought about it so often and hadn't been able to go through with it. I need to clear up his stuff - his litter tray is still sitting there, but I can't bring myself to do it.
Tomorrow I've got to be strong, but my eyes are these big red swollen blotches so I'll have to try and stop crying so no one notices and asks me what's wrong.
It's so odd that every time I thought about it, I thought I'd be sad for a while but incredibly relieved for us both. I don't feel relieved at all. All the things I thought I'd able to do without his demands for attention, I haven't felt like doing anyway. I know things will change in due course, but at the moment I just come home pour a glass of vodka, chain smoke, write, think, drift off to sleep at some point, then the cycle starts again. I know it's very early days and even in a week's time, the pain won't be as great as it is at the moment and I might even feel like doing 'normal' things like watching the tv or eating a meal, but right now nothing is normal.
I'm so sorry that I'm not being very supportive of anyone else here who have all been through, or are going through the same emotions. I know all the things you say are right, but I just need time for them to come true for me.
Dear Ruth:
Hi! I'm sorry that I haven't posted you before this...
I am sorry that you had to find Lightning Strike at all, BUT, if you had to find a pet grief site, then I am very, very happy that you have come here.
Everyone here really, is soooooooooo wonderful.... I cannot say enough about the wonderful people here!
When you come on here to talk, cry, vent........always remember that you are among friends.....
We all understand what you are going through!!!!
I have always felt that LS is "a family"....
After our Ernestine was put to sleep on 2/7/2004, everything was awful -- it was sooooo hard!!! I kept looking for my girl everywhere, and often, I would think I'd see her out of the corner of my eye...
I was crying, and couldn't stop............ My head was pounding, my eyes were "these little tiny slits".... So red, and I could hardly open them.
But, it's human to cry............ I couldn't keep "the lump in my throat any longer".....
I'd be in the grocery store, and I'd just start crying............ For once, I wasn't embarrassed about "how I might look to others".......... Who cares???
I was in pain, and it hurt, and I was sad and I missed my girl!!!!!!
I used to feel guilty............. "Why didn't I treat Ernie better???? Why did I yell at her???" I had so many questions...........so many "Why's"...
A very wise person on this site said to me..............."You were family........that's just how families are......"
And, that's true....
I didn't want to eat, I felt nauseaus......... I didn't clean our house........Didn't take a shower for a few days....
I just didn't care.....
But, in time, (and, it does take time.......), you will start to feel a bit better --- Baby steps... That's it, and that's okay!!!
Your most recent post, last paragraph..... you stated that you feel you "aren't being supportive of anyone else here",
BUT, PLEASE, YOU ARE BEING SUPPORTIVE JUST BY BEING HERE, WITH US!!!!
I think that we all learn by how others "get through things"..... you know??
And, there are other very special people out there, who have lost a very special loved "furbaby" (or "fin-baby", "scaly-baby", etc....), but they don't feel ready yet to post their stories.....
So, for now, other people can read our posts, and see how others are handling pain.....
I wish you lots of Peace, Ruth.....
Love, Denise
Hi! I'm sorry that I haven't posted you before this...
I am sorry that you had to find Lightning Strike at all, BUT, if you had to find a pet grief site, then I am very, very happy that you have come here.
Everyone here really, is soooooooooo wonderful.... I cannot say enough about the wonderful people here!
When you come on here to talk, cry, vent........always remember that you are among friends.....
We all understand what you are going through!!!!
I have always felt that LS is "a family"....
After our Ernestine was put to sleep on 2/7/2004, everything was awful -- it was sooooo hard!!! I kept looking for my girl everywhere, and often, I would think I'd see her out of the corner of my eye...
I was crying, and couldn't stop............ My head was pounding, my eyes were "these little tiny slits".... So red, and I could hardly open them.
But, it's human to cry............ I couldn't keep "the lump in my throat any longer".....
I'd be in the grocery store, and I'd just start crying............ For once, I wasn't embarrassed about "how I might look to others".......... Who cares???
I was in pain, and it hurt, and I was sad and I missed my girl!!!!!!
I used to feel guilty............. "Why didn't I treat Ernie better???? Why did I yell at her???" I had so many questions...........so many "Why's"...
A very wise person on this site said to me..............."You were family........that's just how families are......"
And, that's true....
I didn't want to eat, I felt nauseaus......... I didn't clean our house........Didn't take a shower for a few days....
I just didn't care.....
But, in time, (and, it does take time.......), you will start to feel a bit better --- Baby steps... That's it, and that's okay!!!
Your most recent post, last paragraph..... you stated that you feel you "aren't being supportive of anyone else here",
BUT, PLEASE, YOU ARE BEING SUPPORTIVE JUST BY BEING HERE, WITH US!!!!
I think that we all learn by how others "get through things"..... you know??
And, there are other very special people out there, who have lost a very special loved "furbaby" (or "fin-baby", "scaly-baby", etc....), but they don't feel ready yet to post their stories.....
So, for now, other people can read our posts, and see how others are handling pain.....
I wish you lots of Peace, Ruth.....
Love, Denise
Dear Ruth,
I love reading about Duke going after the "mice"---how sweet! What a beautiful picture you've painted of him.
My fella's demise was so unexpected and traumatic and in the end he was gone and all I could do was cry for days on end. And I too had what you are describing..a numb dumb haze of depression and REGRET. Oh how that regret hurts!! I honestly thought I would never get over it. never!
I posted here that all I could do was cry and someone replied--go ahead and cry for as long as your mind and body tells you to cry. It might be 3 days or a week or a month or a year or whatever--but cry all you want because those are "healing tears".
It does seem strange that people are the only creatures who were given the ability to have tears and to cry. Sure animals can look depressed (and I know they have emotions and can be sad) but why is it that only humans have those big ol tears that roll down the cheeks?? We must have been given tears because crying is functional, it serves a purpose.
One day you will not be so focused on what you perceive as having been "short" with your Duke. No one can be sleep deprived and not get a tad testy for gosh sakes. Anyone in your position would have been stressed. I love my remaining cat, Ruggles to pieces but he can and does annoy the be-jeebers outta me at least 2-3 times a day and I do not have the added feature of being torn about what to do pertaining to making any "big" decisions!
(at least not yet!)
I am so sorry it is so lonely for you--like one of the other posters wrote your Duke was a main feature in your daily life so you have a giant adjustment to make. I only wish it could be easier but I know it will be difficult still for a good long while. You do have us here though. We are all sending you positive thoughts and prayers.
love and friendship,
Patti
I love reading about Duke going after the "mice"---how sweet! What a beautiful picture you've painted of him.
My fella's demise was so unexpected and traumatic and in the end he was gone and all I could do was cry for days on end. And I too had what you are describing..a numb dumb haze of depression and REGRET. Oh how that regret hurts!! I honestly thought I would never get over it. never!
I posted here that all I could do was cry and someone replied--go ahead and cry for as long as your mind and body tells you to cry. It might be 3 days or a week or a month or a year or whatever--but cry all you want because those are "healing tears".
It does seem strange that people are the only creatures who were given the ability to have tears and to cry. Sure animals can look depressed (and I know they have emotions and can be sad) but why is it that only humans have those big ol tears that roll down the cheeks?? We must have been given tears because crying is functional, it serves a purpose.
One day you will not be so focused on what you perceive as having been "short" with your Duke. No one can be sleep deprived and not get a tad testy for gosh sakes. Anyone in your position would have been stressed. I love my remaining cat, Ruggles to pieces but he can and does annoy the be-jeebers outta me at least 2-3 times a day and I do not have the added feature of being torn about what to do pertaining to making any "big" decisions!
(at least not yet!)
I am so sorry it is so lonely for you--like one of the other posters wrote your Duke was a main feature in your daily life so you have a giant adjustment to make. I only wish it could be easier but I know it will be difficult still for a good long while. You do have us here though. We are all sending you positive thoughts and prayers.
love and friendship,
Patti
QUOTE (Ruth @ Jul 29 2004, 12:16 PM)
It's my mother's birthday on Saturday - she's having a bit of a party with my sister and her two children. I'm going to it but I haven't told her what's happened yet. She knows how much I care for Duke, so if I told her she will be sad that I'm sad and I can't do that to her until after her birthday. I'd also like to be a bit stronger so I don't break down into a blubbering jelly. The thing is she or my sister or both might very well ask after him, and even worse if there are bits of ham left over she'll put them in a bag for me to take home for him. I'm going to have to find the strength to deal with it and either change the topic of conversation quickly or make an excuse to leave the room if I feel I can't maintain my composure.
Ruth, welcome. This is a very caring community and I am glad you are finding help here. I am so very sorry to hear about your dear friend, Duke. It was two weeks ago tonight that I left the answering machine message for our housecall vet, asking her to come the following day to put our sweet Chuchelo (Russian for scarecrow) to sleep. It is horrible beyond belief, is it not?
After it was over, I sent an email to my mother and brothers which first read: Please do not call us because we cannot talk about this right now. and then explained what happened. Is it possible that a friend could call your family and explain what has happened and that when you come to the party, you do not anyone to mention Duke -- that you will speak to them later about it, when your grief is not so raw? Just a thought.
Be gentle with yourself.
Chuchelo's mom
Muffins, thanks and you're right this is a wonderful place to find support. The most important thing I've learnt is that this overwhelming feeling of guilt that creeps on me and wracks my very soul, is a normal part of the grieving process and doesn't necessarily mean I have reason to feel guilty. At least, that's what the logical side of my brain is telling me.
I haven't been able to take a bath (don't worry I have washed), because he used to jump into it to drink water from the tap which I'd dribble for him. It means there are muddy marks in the bottom where it was slightly damp so any dirt he had on his paws would come off. This would have been from Monday evening, the day before he died. Also where he jumped in and out there are hairs. I solved the problem of the hairs this morning as I have found a clear container and have started putting them in as I can't bring myself to wash them down the plughole! I know it's irrational and I'm just trying to deny that he's gone by grasping onto what little there is left of him, but it's the only way I can move forward at the moment.
Pattil, I've never thought about why humans cry and it's a very interesting question. There must be some social or biological reason for it. Maybe it's a social thing and we are sending messages to other humans about our heightened emotions. Remember we cry when we are happy as well as sad. Or maybe there really is some relief I found an article about it here and it gave me something else to think about for a while.
Chuchelo's Mom, I can certainly see how the email would have helped in your situation. It's a great idea about the party, but I think if someone told my mother what had happened it would be impossible for her to not give me a big hug or do something that would start me off, so I'll probably just brazen it out. But thank you so much for the thought. You've all been so kind.
I haven't been able to take a bath (don't worry I have washed), because he used to jump into it to drink water from the tap which I'd dribble for him. It means there are muddy marks in the bottom where it was slightly damp so any dirt he had on his paws would come off. This would have been from Monday evening, the day before he died. Also where he jumped in and out there are hairs. I solved the problem of the hairs this morning as I have found a clear container and have started putting them in as I can't bring myself to wash them down the plughole! I know it's irrational and I'm just trying to deny that he's gone by grasping onto what little there is left of him, but it's the only way I can move forward at the moment.
Pattil, I've never thought about why humans cry and it's a very interesting question. There must be some social or biological reason for it. Maybe it's a social thing and we are sending messages to other humans about our heightened emotions. Remember we cry when we are happy as well as sad. Or maybe there really is some relief I found an article about it here and it gave me something else to think about for a while.
Chuchelo's Mom, I can certainly see how the email would have helped in your situation. It's a great idea about the party, but I think if someone told my mother what had happened it would be impossible for her to not give me a big hug or do something that would start me off, so I'll probably just brazen it out. But thank you so much for the thought. You've all been so kind.
Ruth,
Well, today is your mom's birthday party and I hope you are able to get thru it ok. I respect you for not wanting to "ruin" the party, make her sad, but I also think that at some level, your own sadness will show and that she and the rest of your family will want to know what is wrong, and hopefully want to provide support...
You said something about not being able to be supportive to others. A wonderful thing about this site is that in telling our OWN stories, we ARE supportive. It is unfortunate that a lot of people have pets and don't love them, and unfortunate that a lot of people don't understand the loss. But when I first came to this site (actually, this board used to have a different location and I was on that one for a good while before I moved over to this one), one of the things that helped was reading other people's stories. So you ARE being supportive. When read another's words and think "those are my thoughts" -- there is support.
I also have a locket -- one of the many memorials to my babies. Saki had liver cancer before she died.... She passed on June 19, 2003. My husband's and my anniversary was June 17, and that year he gave me an engraved locket with her name on it. I wore it on a chain until Electra died on December 23, 2003. Then I transferred the locket to Electra's collar, (Saki always adamantly refused to wear a collar) and wore / wear the collar as a bracelet.
Cleaning... yes that is hard. I don't think I vacuumed for a couple of months after Frey and Saki passed. I couldn't bear the thought of vacuuming their hair up... But I did cut locks of Saki's hair from her the day she died (she died in my arms while we napped... she had a pts appt for the next day) and brushed her well... I saved the brush and all the hair I cut off. We also found a brush full of Freyja's hair (she was a long hair eskimo spitz)... all that stuff is in their memory box now.... sealed in baggies. Sometimes I get it out and smell it...
Now, we've moved. Actually, we moved on the 1 year anniversary of Freyja's passing (May 28)... sometimes it occurs to me that their fur and etc is not in this house, embedded in the carpet etc. But I try not to think about that.
Oh, and as for the howling... Electra would bitch and bitch and bitch. She was so funny. And as a kitten, I started telling her "Electra, incessant crying is the number one cause of child abuse!" (Which is some factoid I'd heard...) Of course, I never did abuse her. She was a cat's cat, a delicate princess queen, to prissy to ever be punished... Then before she died, the incessant crying got even MORE INCESSANT!!!! And I knew she was sick and I knew the time was near, and I tried tried tried to be patient with it. But one day shortly before she passed, I found myself yelling "Incessant crying is the number one cause of child abuse!@!!!!!!!!!!" But that time I had to laugh before I got the whole sentence out... In an old post here somewhere, I said that she was going to go out of the world the way she came in-- 'bitching and moaning...' But I DO know how the incessant crying can drive you batty... It does not mean you are a bad person...
I hope you do ok today.
--Jennifer
Well, today is your mom's birthday party and I hope you are able to get thru it ok. I respect you for not wanting to "ruin" the party, make her sad, but I also think that at some level, your own sadness will show and that she and the rest of your family will want to know what is wrong, and hopefully want to provide support...
You said something about not being able to be supportive to others. A wonderful thing about this site is that in telling our OWN stories, we ARE supportive. It is unfortunate that a lot of people have pets and don't love them, and unfortunate that a lot of people don't understand the loss. But when I first came to this site (actually, this board used to have a different location and I was on that one for a good while before I moved over to this one), one of the things that helped was reading other people's stories. So you ARE being supportive. When read another's words and think "those are my thoughts" -- there is support.
I also have a locket -- one of the many memorials to my babies. Saki had liver cancer before she died.... She passed on June 19, 2003. My husband's and my anniversary was June 17, and that year he gave me an engraved locket with her name on it. I wore it on a chain until Electra died on December 23, 2003. Then I transferred the locket to Electra's collar, (Saki always adamantly refused to wear a collar) and wore / wear the collar as a bracelet.
Cleaning... yes that is hard. I don't think I vacuumed for a couple of months after Frey and Saki passed. I couldn't bear the thought of vacuuming their hair up... But I did cut locks of Saki's hair from her the day she died (she died in my arms while we napped... she had a pts appt for the next day) and brushed her well... I saved the brush and all the hair I cut off. We also found a brush full of Freyja's hair (she was a long hair eskimo spitz)... all that stuff is in their memory box now.... sealed in baggies. Sometimes I get it out and smell it...
Now, we've moved. Actually, we moved on the 1 year anniversary of Freyja's passing (May 28)... sometimes it occurs to me that their fur and etc is not in this house, embedded in the carpet etc. But I try not to think about that.
Oh, and as for the howling... Electra would bitch and bitch and bitch. She was so funny. And as a kitten, I started telling her "Electra, incessant crying is the number one cause of child abuse!" (Which is some factoid I'd heard...) Of course, I never did abuse her. She was a cat's cat, a delicate princess queen, to prissy to ever be punished... Then before she died, the incessant crying got even MORE INCESSANT!!!! And I knew she was sick and I knew the time was near, and I tried tried tried to be patient with it. But one day shortly before she passed, I found myself yelling "Incessant crying is the number one cause of child abuse!@!!!!!!!!!!" But that time I had to laugh before I got the whole sentence out... In an old post here somewhere, I said that she was going to go out of the world the way she came in-- 'bitching and moaning...' But I DO know how the incessant crying can drive you batty... It does not mean you are a bad person...
I hope you do ok today.
--Jennifer
Ruth, thanks for that link--I really enjoyed reading that.
Please let us know how the party goes. I so hope you are feeling better. I went to a beautiful art opening after Ginger was in the hospital but all the paintings looked so blurry through my tears! I hope that you are able to celebrate your mother's birthday despite being forced into this new chapter in your life.
sending you positive thoughts!
Patti
PS Will you send me a personal message about where you are in the UK?
I have a few british isles friends!
Please let us know how the party goes. I so hope you are feeling better. I went to a beautiful art opening after Ginger was in the hospital but all the paintings looked so blurry through my tears! I hope that you are able to celebrate your mother's birthday despite being forced into this new chapter in your life.
sending you positive thoughts!
Patti
PS Will you send me a personal message about where you are in the UK?
I have a few british isles friends!
I took a few deep breaths and went to the party. Because no one knew any different everyone was the same as normal which was good. When my mother asked after Duke, I had my back to her topping strawberries, so I made some non committal reply and was ok. Then she asked whether he was going out more these days. I didn't know quite how to respond to that so pretended I didn't hear and the moment passed. When the fat off the ham was put into a bag for him, I just said thanks or something and got through it.
In any other cir%%stances, I would have found it good fun, and I managed ok, but it was tempered by this underlying feeling of sadness. I do admit it was a lot easier being there where he'd never been than being at home. ( My heart bleeds for people who have lost dogs that went everywhere with them as there can be no relief from this misery.)
Things were going fine and I was joining in, smiling and laughing at the appropriate times, then my sister and I went for a walk in the garden. She asked 'how's Duke'. I never meant this to happen and I hadn't been weepy up until then, but as soon as she asked, all I could do was shake my head. She knew instantly and the next second I was crying. I controlled myself fairly quickly and we were able to talk for a few minutes. She was brilliant. I think perhaps because she has been a nurse and has worked in and done courses in grief counselling that she understood what I was going through and more importantly knew what to say. She mentioned how I'd be going through denial and would expect to see him round every corner. She knew about seeing him out of the corner of my eye. She knew I'd be feeling guilty, all before I even told her! I suppose it was because she appreciated he was like a child to me and I doted on him that she could transfer what she knew of human loss to my situation. But it was quite extraordinary and a nice thing to happen.
My mother came out to say it was time to blow out the candles on the cake, so I took a few seconds to compose myself and dry my eyes and then went and sang a brief rendition of 'happy birthday' as if nothing had happened. Got through the rest of the day ok, and I even watched some TV while I was there and managed to concentrate on something else for a few minutes to some degree.
Muffins and Saki & Freyja's Mom, what you said about learning from how others get through things, that really struck a chord with me, because I’ve spent hours reading posts about pet loss since Duke passed away. Although I feel for everyone who has or is suffering, it makes me feel I’m not alone and makes me more able to understand that what I’m going through is perfectly ‘normal’.
I love the idea of wearing Electra's collar as a bracelet. Was it a handsome collar. I don't think Duke's yellow flea collar would work quite so well
I’m doing a lot of this ‘the last time I did… he was alive’. I was expecting this as I remember going through the same things when my father died. Even tiny little things have this message attached to them. I know over the last five days I have done lots of thing several times and simple things like going to the bathroom opening the fridge etc are easier, but there’s still an awful lot of them to get through.
The clearing up business is a real issue. I wasn’t feeling too bad this morning, but then I emptied the bin which had things in there from recently as Monday when I never thought I’d go through with it and was relatively happy. Also, I’d forgotten I’d put his hair mats in there when the brush was full Tuesday evening. I put them against my cheek and felt his softness which started me on a fresh bout of sobbing.
Good news – I’ve cleaned out the litter tray. Hurrah! As it happened there was nothing in there, but I found it very traumatic. As for the vacuuming, I’m with Jennifer on this one. The house needed a good clean before last week, so I guess the carpets are just going to be dirty for a while.
I hadn’t realised his hair is in so many places. I suppose because it’s on the carpets and the furniture, it gets on my clothes and I transfer it wherever I go. It never bothered me one iota, but I know it used to annoy some people. It will take a long time before his visible hair has gone, but I find that comforting to know at the moment.
I’m glad it’s not just me who got impatient with their beloved friends, as this has been dwelling on my mind a lot and is going to take a while to come to terms with.
You know, you don’t have to feel you need to respond to any of this. I don’t write much, far less talk about my feelings, but I could waffle on for hours right now, and just the act of doing it is theraputic to me. But thank you for listening.
In any other cir%%stances, I would have found it good fun, and I managed ok, but it was tempered by this underlying feeling of sadness. I do admit it was a lot easier being there where he'd never been than being at home. ( My heart bleeds for people who have lost dogs that went everywhere with them as there can be no relief from this misery.)
Things were going fine and I was joining in, smiling and laughing at the appropriate times, then my sister and I went for a walk in the garden. She asked 'how's Duke'. I never meant this to happen and I hadn't been weepy up until then, but as soon as she asked, all I could do was shake my head. She knew instantly and the next second I was crying. I controlled myself fairly quickly and we were able to talk for a few minutes. She was brilliant. I think perhaps because she has been a nurse and has worked in and done courses in grief counselling that she understood what I was going through and more importantly knew what to say. She mentioned how I'd be going through denial and would expect to see him round every corner. She knew about seeing him out of the corner of my eye. She knew I'd be feeling guilty, all before I even told her! I suppose it was because she appreciated he was like a child to me and I doted on him that she could transfer what she knew of human loss to my situation. But it was quite extraordinary and a nice thing to happen.
My mother came out to say it was time to blow out the candles on the cake, so I took a few seconds to compose myself and dry my eyes and then went and sang a brief rendition of 'happy birthday' as if nothing had happened. Got through the rest of the day ok, and I even watched some TV while I was there and managed to concentrate on something else for a few minutes to some degree.
Muffins and Saki & Freyja's Mom, what you said about learning from how others get through things, that really struck a chord with me, because I’ve spent hours reading posts about pet loss since Duke passed away. Although I feel for everyone who has or is suffering, it makes me feel I’m not alone and makes me more able to understand that what I’m going through is perfectly ‘normal’.
I love the idea of wearing Electra's collar as a bracelet. Was it a handsome collar. I don't think Duke's yellow flea collar would work quite so well
I’m doing a lot of this ‘the last time I did… he was alive’. I was expecting this as I remember going through the same things when my father died. Even tiny little things have this message attached to them. I know over the last five days I have done lots of thing several times and simple things like going to the bathroom opening the fridge etc are easier, but there’s still an awful lot of them to get through.
The clearing up business is a real issue. I wasn’t feeling too bad this morning, but then I emptied the bin which had things in there from recently as Monday when I never thought I’d go through with it and was relatively happy. Also, I’d forgotten I’d put his hair mats in there when the brush was full Tuesday evening. I put them against my cheek and felt his softness which started me on a fresh bout of sobbing.
Good news – I’ve cleaned out the litter tray. Hurrah! As it happened there was nothing in there, but I found it very traumatic. As for the vacuuming, I’m with Jennifer on this one. The house needed a good clean before last week, so I guess the carpets are just going to be dirty for a while.
I hadn’t realised his hair is in so many places. I suppose because it’s on the carpets and the furniture, it gets on my clothes and I transfer it wherever I go. It never bothered me one iota, but I know it used to annoy some people. It will take a long time before his visible hair has gone, but I find that comforting to know at the moment.
I’m glad it’s not just me who got impatient with their beloved friends, as this has been dwelling on my mind a lot and is going to take a while to come to terms with.
You know, you don’t have to feel you need to respond to any of this. I don’t write much, far less talk about my feelings, but I could waffle on for hours right now, and just the act of doing it is theraputic to me. But thank you for listening.
ha-ha Ruth, well you don't have to respond to me either!! lol lol--really I know what you mean though, once your write something out you think ooo boy now some poor soul will think they NEED to write back! lol--I get that--and I just want to write back, if that is ok.
Your party went as I would have expected it to. I sort of guessed you wouldn't be able to get through it without any hitch at all. Your sister sounds wonderful. Isn't it great how sometimes a person is put in your path at JUST the right time??
I made someone else clean up Ginger's area in my art studio. I just could not face it at all. But I kept his blanket and I will never wash it. Many times I have held it to my face. Naturally nothing takes the place of having a big cuddle with him. He would let me just squish him up to me and I would kiss him --kiss kiss kiss--I am sure it was a sticky sweet scene for bystanders--lol--how I miss that. My other cat doesn't like to be held much--he is a great comfort though--just to have him in the house.
It is probably too early to inquire--but have you thought at all about a new kitty? I thought about it --I even looked at the photos online of a local shelter adoption possibilities--but I really can't have another outdoor ever again. (I could not take another tragedy!) It irks me because both my neighbors have outdoor cats and they just stay around close not getting into any problems!--I am jealous of that! (oh but of course I would not wish problems on them--I am just envious--that's the better word)
Ginger had to be a part time outdoor cat because he would have sprayed everywhere if made to stay inside. My indoor guy is too old to get a new friend--so I guess I will not be even contemplating it (hopefully for a good long while! I have no idea how old Ruggles is--) Have you given it any thought or is it way too soon??
Well, thanks for listening to my rambles too!
Glad your sister was there at the party!
P
Your party went as I would have expected it to. I sort of guessed you wouldn't be able to get through it without any hitch at all. Your sister sounds wonderful. Isn't it great how sometimes a person is put in your path at JUST the right time??
I made someone else clean up Ginger's area in my art studio. I just could not face it at all. But I kept his blanket and I will never wash it. Many times I have held it to my face. Naturally nothing takes the place of having a big cuddle with him. He would let me just squish him up to me and I would kiss him --kiss kiss kiss--I am sure it was a sticky sweet scene for bystanders--lol--how I miss that. My other cat doesn't like to be held much--he is a great comfort though--just to have him in the house.
It is probably too early to inquire--but have you thought at all about a new kitty? I thought about it --I even looked at the photos online of a local shelter adoption possibilities--but I really can't have another outdoor ever again. (I could not take another tragedy!) It irks me because both my neighbors have outdoor cats and they just stay around close not getting into any problems!--I am jealous of that! (oh but of course I would not wish problems on them--I am just envious--that's the better word)
Ginger had to be a part time outdoor cat because he would have sprayed everywhere if made to stay inside. My indoor guy is too old to get a new friend--so I guess I will not be even contemplating it (hopefully for a good long while! I have no idea how old Ruggles is--) Have you given it any thought or is it way too soon??
Well, thanks for listening to my rambles too!
Glad your sister was there at the party!
P
Thanks gingerspal, I just get an overwhelming need to spill out my emotions somwhere or other.
Yes, my sister was helpful. I wouldn't say we were 'close' though, so I can't really talk to her again unless she happens to be around.
I've been in the house I'm in now since 1989. During the first few years, I had lot of 'boyfriends' and I also had lodgers until 1997. I got Duke in 1991, and I can say hand on heart I've never felt an overwhelming need for human company. People sometimes asked if I got lonely living alone, and I'd look at them like they were nuts! But when I think about it I was NEVER alone because I had always had Duke who was more than enough for me. How could I be alone when there was always someone to greet me when I got home, always someone to cuddle, always someone who slept with me, always someone nearby who loved me.
I suppose we all have good days and bad, today has been bad after I felt I had coped quite well with the weekend. I'll get through it. I know I can, but it's so hard.
Re thinking about getting another cat. I know some people find it helpful to get another pet after the demise of their dear friend, which is great, but it's not for me because:
1) I'm grieving so much at the moment I couldn't find room in my heart for another animal in my lifeas I wouldn't be able to give it the love it deserved, and I wouldn't want that.
2) I know you can love another animal, but I would still feel I was trying to replace him and he is irreplacable
3) It stops me from doing things I might want to do like spending nights away from the house on holiday because I get too attached and I worry too much.
4) I wouldn't want to go through this misery without human acceptance again. I know you're all there for me and I can't tell you how helpful it's been, but it's not quite the same as having a physical shoulder to cry on who understands.
Yes, my sister was helpful. I wouldn't say we were 'close' though, so I can't really talk to her again unless she happens to be around.
I've been in the house I'm in now since 1989. During the first few years, I had lot of 'boyfriends' and I also had lodgers until 1997. I got Duke in 1991, and I can say hand on heart I've never felt an overwhelming need for human company. People sometimes asked if I got lonely living alone, and I'd look at them like they were nuts! But when I think about it I was NEVER alone because I had always had Duke who was more than enough for me. How could I be alone when there was always someone to greet me when I got home, always someone to cuddle, always someone who slept with me, always someone nearby who loved me.
I suppose we all have good days and bad, today has been bad after I felt I had coped quite well with the weekend. I'll get through it. I know I can, but it's so hard.
Re thinking about getting another cat. I know some people find it helpful to get another pet after the demise of their dear friend, which is great, but it's not for me because:
1) I'm grieving so much at the moment I couldn't find room in my heart for another animal in my lifeas I wouldn't be able to give it the love it deserved, and I wouldn't want that.
2) I know you can love another animal, but I would still feel I was trying to replace him and he is irreplacable
3) It stops me from doing things I might want to do like spending nights away from the house on holiday because I get too attached and I worry too much.
4) I wouldn't want to go through this misery without human acceptance again. I know you're all there for me and I can't tell you how helpful it's been, but it's not quite the same as having a physical shoulder to cry on who understands.
I also feel that I can't love another dog at this time. I lost my Sonnet June 12, and it's been 7 weeks now. I foster-homed a great dog for a rescue group for 2 weeks and found, as you did, that I couldn't love her and it wasn't fair to this dog plus it got in the way of my grieving. But perhaps in the future, as one of my friends told me, Sonnet will send a dog my way. I can't conceive of that now but in the future...
ruth and sonnet---I won't be getting another cat either. I had a fleeting thought that maybe I would or could--but I know I could never have the same set of cir%%stances play out again and those cir%%stances were the best! I can never "top" that and so I hear what you are both saying and I agree. Luckily for me I have Ruggles--but he is an old timer (and so am I! lol)
People tell me that you're not replacing your pet as that's impossible but rather starting a new relationship, when you're ready of course. The new one takes a different place in your heart. For me it was just Sonnet adn I, so now I'm all alone here but I know it's not tiome yet. The vet had told me I need another dog since I'm single so when the time comes I'll know it. There'll be a connection and until then it won't be the "right time".
Sonnet
Sonnet
The most unusual thing about that human heart is that no matter how many loves we have, there is always enough room. The space your new pets may take isn't a replacement - they create their own spots to curl up in
I have a new furry one - and I love him dearly. He is totally different from my other furry ones... and his space in my heart sits beside the others. Even if a tiny part of me wanted a "replacement" for my loss - that isn't what happened. What I got was an individual who made me love him on his own terms.
There are no empty spaces in our hearts - they are filled with memories and hopes and dreams - even after our loved ones leave, those memories, hopes and dreams remain. Our hearts may break around them, but when you finally heal you'll see that those spaces are still there - waiting for the day you can smile at the memories.
I have a new furry one - and I love him dearly. He is totally different from my other furry ones... and his space in my heart sits beside the others. Even if a tiny part of me wanted a "replacement" for my loss - that isn't what happened. What I got was an individual who made me love him on his own terms.
There are no empty spaces in our hearts - they are filled with memories and hopes and dreams - even after our loved ones leave, those memories, hopes and dreams remain. Our hearts may break around them, but when you finally heal you'll see that those spaces are still there - waiting for the day you can smile at the memories.
Sonnet's Mum, I'm not sure about that vet's advice! Each one of us has our own needs and to categorically state you should get a new dog because you are single sounds rather irresponsible and a little naive to me if truth be known. I think what you did by fostering another dog, was by far and away the best idea I have heard for people who feel they must rush out and get another pet after theirs has passed away. It gave you the chance to rationalise your feelings and do whatever was right for you.
Gingerspal, you must find Ruggles is a comfort and although he will never replace Ginger, I'm sure he too has a special place in your heart.
DJ, you're right of course. There will be space for someone else - it might even be a human! Your last paragraph was quite beautiful - it's full of hope - thanks.
Can I just tell you about my day. When I stop waffling and using this as an online journal, you'll know I'm starting to feel better.
Today is one week. I keep thinking that a 'week' is just a human invention to measure the passing of time. It's not like the seasons or a year, there's little difference between one week and another. A week could just as easily be 2 days or 20 days. However, this morning when I got up I was a wreck. I had a beautiful card from my sister. It was blank because neither she nor I like 'soppy' verse. The front was quite plain except for four pictures. They depicted a simple tree in each season. For some reason this started me off again, even though it was lovely.
I was late for work because I had to get control of myself and I was also feeling physically weak and ached all over. I've got a feeling my boss has sensed there's something wrong by now. I wanted to tell him so he would know why I've been distracted and not able to concentrate very well, but I'm still too weepy so I'll have to wait until I'm stronger by which time I won't be so bad anyway!
Had a really crap morning, but I wasn't too bad this afternoon until I looked at my watch then I had to have a little sob. I couldn't believe that this time last week I went to the vets and said those fatal words. It just seems so impossible and improbable somehow.
Strangely, I haven't felt so bad this evening, though at 6.30, half an hour before 'The' moment, I removed my watch and covered the clock on the computer because I didn't want to be aware of the time. Does anything else do weird things like that? Went for a walk to pass the time because I didn't want to be at home. Even then everything reminded me of Duke. Not because they were directly connected with him, but because I made a connection in my mind. I'm looking forward to the day, I don't say "the last time I did this", "saw this", "heard this" etc Duke was alive.
I know it is getting better. I didn't cry when I came in the door this evening although the silence was overwhelming and I'm starting to be able to do little things without them reminding me of Duke. The other positive thing is given the choice between tonight and this time last week, I'd take tonight even though it's horrible.
Thanks for listening.
Gingerspal, you must find Ruggles is a comfort and although he will never replace Ginger, I'm sure he too has a special place in your heart.
DJ, you're right of course. There will be space for someone else - it might even be a human! Your last paragraph was quite beautiful - it's full of hope - thanks.
Can I just tell you about my day. When I stop waffling and using this as an online journal, you'll know I'm starting to feel better.
Today is one week. I keep thinking that a 'week' is just a human invention to measure the passing of time. It's not like the seasons or a year, there's little difference between one week and another. A week could just as easily be 2 days or 20 days. However, this morning when I got up I was a wreck. I had a beautiful card from my sister. It was blank because neither she nor I like 'soppy' verse. The front was quite plain except for four pictures. They depicted a simple tree in each season. For some reason this started me off again, even though it was lovely.
I was late for work because I had to get control of myself and I was also feeling physically weak and ached all over. I've got a feeling my boss has sensed there's something wrong by now. I wanted to tell him so he would know why I've been distracted and not able to concentrate very well, but I'm still too weepy so I'll have to wait until I'm stronger by which time I won't be so bad anyway!
Had a really crap morning, but I wasn't too bad this afternoon until I looked at my watch then I had to have a little sob. I couldn't believe that this time last week I went to the vets and said those fatal words. It just seems so impossible and improbable somehow.
Strangely, I haven't felt so bad this evening, though at 6.30, half an hour before 'The' moment, I removed my watch and covered the clock on the computer because I didn't want to be aware of the time. Does anything else do weird things like that? Went for a walk to pass the time because I didn't want to be at home. Even then everything reminded me of Duke. Not because they were directly connected with him, but because I made a connection in my mind. I'm looking forward to the day, I don't say "the last time I did this", "saw this", "heard this" etc Duke was alive.
I know it is getting better. I didn't cry when I came in the door this evening although the silence was overwhelming and I'm starting to be able to do little things without them reminding me of Duke. The other positive thing is given the choice between tonight and this time last week, I'd take tonight even though it's horrible.
Thanks for listening.
you bet I can relate!
I really would like to get a new vehicle because every time we drive up to the garage I think of what happened to him right there --I hate the truck. I really do. I know that THAT is illogical too. I also hate the garage. I just hate driving in and out of it. I literally have to shake my head sometimes in an effort to NOT think about it. I am only telling you this so you know that it is probably not unusual to cover your clock while I am shaking my head.
I am just now getting so I can go in the back yard and not think about him (and cry) --it has only been one week for you dear girl--I do think it is good to try to change your routine if you can. One time I advised someone that I thought it would be good for them to change their furniture around, but some other posters thought that was not such a hot idea. But I still think changing one's environment can be of some help because it is like stepping into a bit of a different world. It is like agreeing that it is different and acknowledging it. I changed the room where Ginger slept. Next I am going to paint it. It helps me, but we are all different.
I hope today is just a bit better for you--that's the best we can hope for --every day the overwhelming grief loosening it's grip a bit everyday.
thinking of you!
love
Patti
I really would like to get a new vehicle because every time we drive up to the garage I think of what happened to him right there --I hate the truck. I really do. I know that THAT is illogical too. I also hate the garage. I just hate driving in and out of it. I literally have to shake my head sometimes in an effort to NOT think about it. I am only telling you this so you know that it is probably not unusual to cover your clock while I am shaking my head.
I am just now getting so I can go in the back yard and not think about him (and cry) --it has only been one week for you dear girl--I do think it is good to try to change your routine if you can. One time I advised someone that I thought it would be good for them to change their furniture around, but some other posters thought that was not such a hot idea. But I still think changing one's environment can be of some help because it is like stepping into a bit of a different world. It is like agreeing that it is different and acknowledging it. I changed the room where Ginger slept. Next I am going to paint it. It helps me, but we are all different.
I hope today is just a bit better for you--that's the best we can hope for --every day the overwhelming grief loosening it's grip a bit everyday.
thinking of you!
love
Patti
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