My friend and I spent 12 years together. I hope he had a good life. The house is so quiet without him and everything is so different. I'm haunted by his passing- it was sudden and very unexpected. I should have seen it coming though- I've heard that cats will act like kittens before they go. That is exactly what happened for BJ. It began about two weeks ago. I can still hear his cries that brought me to find him in the kitchen, paralyzed and scared. I cuddled him and told him it was ok and that I love him. As soon as I got to him, he stopped crying and died. I'm pretty sure he had a stroke. That morning, his tongue was sticking to his mouth and at the time I thought he just needed a drink of water. I think it must have been numb. When I got to him, all he could do was yell for me. He couldn't move and he didn't look at me until I picked up his head to look in his mouth. I couldn't find anything in there and I know now that he couldn't have been choking on anything because he was able to yell for me. He couldn't close his big, beautiful eyes, so I did for him. When I got up from the floor, all I could do was scream at the top of my lungs, as loud as I could for as long as I could. For the next 30 minutes, I waited for my wife to get home and we have cried about it ever since. She is better at dealing with it that I am- no matter who passes away.
She came home to find him on the kitchen rug that I put him on to get him off the cold floor, and under a towel he liked to lay on to keep him warm. He was still so soft and so warm. His passing still haunts me even though it was on leapday.
What's crazy is that we spent exactly 12 years together- he found me on leapday 1996. I miss him so much and I just want to hold him again. Did I do the right thing? I keep thinking that maybe if I would have tried to resuscitate him, maybe he would still be alive. But he really couldn't move and I'm really not 100% certain what killed him. I think that if he had a heart attack, he wouldn't have been able to call for me. Maybe if I would have been with him just before, I could have been with him longer and he could have passed more peacefully. I'm just eaten up inside about what I could have done differently so that he wouldn't have been so scared. I have this pain in my stomach that feels like a rock is in there. Our other kitty, Opie has always known Mr. BoJangles and he keeps looking for him. I think lately he is just missing him because yesterday, he found a clump of hair from BJ's brush and sniffed it for about 5 minutes. He won't go to the litterbox, he goes beside it and his eyes just look so sad. My two dogs are beside themselves and even though the TV is on in the livingroom, it is so quiet in the house. It was always BJ who would go around the house and 'mer' at everything and everyone. He would march from room to room and seem to be in two places at once. I can't stop crying when I think that BJ isn't here anymore. He is being cremated today or tomorrow and he will be back in the house by the end of the week. I think he would like that because he always did like boxes.

I am so sorry to read about BJ. What a heartbreaking experience to go through. My Little Guy staggered into our Living Room barely able to breathe and wanting help. That was the most horrible experience I ever went through with one of my special babies. These kind of moments become horror stories and thankfully they appear rare in one's lifetime. I got mine to an ER and I could have kept him alive if I had been willing to put him through having his chest drained of fluid..maybe everyday..I made the decision to release him but I did think when he staggered in to let us know he needed help that he lay so still and I couldn't see breathing that I asked my husband if he thought he had died. He said he didn't know so I grabbed up my boy and he was startled into consciousness but I ran to his carrier and we drove immediately to the ER. They put him on oxygen to ease his discomfort and took x-rays which found the fluid filling his chest preventing his lungs from expanding in order for him to breathe. He was 16 years old.

I often wondered what I would do if my cat had a stroke or heart attack. You went through such a horrible experience but I know you did the best you could at the time...that's what we will eventually realize we really did so, even though later we start questioning our actions. When you have never been in a certain emergency situation before...there is no way (unless you are a vet) you could possibly know exactly what to do by understanding the symptoms and having been taught what they mean. I agree it would be a haunting experience. I am glad you had the years with him that you did. At least he knew you were there at the end and he was not alone. I know that doesn't seem like a big comfort but when something like this happens, we look for what we can that lets us know we did help in some way.

And, this has been so very recent that the only relief possible may be crying, screaming, venting in any way possible to help ease the intense pain that appears and that we live with for quite a while afterwards. BJ died so quickly I can't see any way you could have done anything to save him...you did not have time to take him to a vet and not knowing exactly what was wrong...it just may have been a blessing that if it was meant to happen that his time was up..that it was quick. Please do not tear yourself up inside wondering what you could have done differently. It sounds like it happened very very fast. That's when life seems so cruel to us..it is bad enough our babies are taken away from us but for them and us to go through a heartbreaking experience at the end is...just so cruel. They don't deserve it and neither do we. He is at peace now but you are just beginning the pain of it all. Come here and read some of the stories and realize you are not alone in that pain. It is one we all are feeling (due to a recent loss like yours) or we have been there in that intense time and understand exactly how you are hurting. Only time helps healing so that even though these emotions never totally go away, there is a time we do not feel overwhelmed by them constantly.

I smiled at your last sentence..about BJ liking boxes....I have just gotten a shelter cat a couple of months ago and he jumps into every open box he can find so I understand that sentence so clearly.

If you have pictures of BJ, there is a Tribute section here (you can see my postings about my Little Guy) that you can eventually think about posting some pictures, especially any that were your favorites. Or just post one here so you can look at it when you visit this thread you started. Doing this when you feel like it really does help...it makes you focus on seeing BJ at a time when all was well, when you two were making a good memory...it is the good memories that eventually must replace the sad ones...for there to be some peace and healing.

You say you have other animals so I assume you have a vet they have gone to. You might think about having a visit with that vet where you tell him exactly everything you have described here and ask him for his best opinion as to what happened and I am sure he will tell you there was nothing you could have done in the cir%%stances as you have described them. I know most people would only go to a vet WITH an animal but for me...I would have been willing to pay for a visit and the vet's time...hoping he will give me answers I can feel more at peace with. Whatever he would tell me about the situation would be more than I would know by myself. It is just a thought that might help ease your pain somewhat at this time. I called the vet that put my baby down ...about 3 days later and asked she call me when she had a moment. She did call and we talked for about 1/2 hour on the phone. I told her now that all was over and I wasn't crying hysterically while making that decision with my boy in the next room.....I wanted to know what she really thought about what happened, what we did to try and help, and especially the final decision. That talk really helped me find a little peace at a time the pain was most intense.

Again, I am so very sorry to hear what happened. Keep posting here. Maybe even write a letter to BJ saying how you feel....you can see others have done that. Do anything you feel will help you at this time. Use this forum to get your feelings out by writing about them rather than letting the pain build up inside and wondering how to find some relief.

Take Care and know you are not crying alone.

I am so sorry to hear of BJ's passing. Especially because it came so unexpected, it makes it very difficult. When we lose a loved furry kid it paralyzes us and causes the most deep agony we ever think is even possible. Then the guilt hits us. We all say shoulda, coulda, woulda. But the fact is because we love them so much we want a reason as to why, and it is not your fault that BJ died. And even if we do learn why, we may not like the answer we get. Either way we still suffer the grief, agony, despair, and gutwrenching anxiety that comes with losing a loved one.

When you describe Opie's looking for him I completely understand. My Gidget looked for Goliath continually. She looked in corners, under furniture, ceiling fans, closets, the deck and scrutinized every possible thing she could possibly look at to find him. This went on for a full month for her everyday searching many times a day. It was heartbreaking because my heart ached for her as well.

My Goliath also died very suddenly. He was sick to his stomach so I rushed him into ER where they sent me home with some antacids and said he would be just fine. Two hours after returning home he died in my arms. I kept questioning myself WHY WHY WHY??? What did I do wrong? What didn't I see that I should have seen? I felt horrible guilt and agony and wanted my baby boy back sooooooo bad I would have died for him. He was the absolute love of my life. I tried to give him mouth to mouth with CPR to no avail. My husband was out of town and I was home recovering from surgery and it was night time.

I did what I could and it took me quite awhile to understand that there was nothing I could have done differrently to save his life. It was his time to leave my loving arms and pass on to God's loving hands.

I didn't find this site til January 10th of this year so I had grieved, stayed in a dark sad place, and completely shut myself off to all people for just over 2 months. I am so grateful that I found this forum. There are wonderful people who will help you here and you will also lend comfort to others. It is here that we carry each other through the bad times as well as the good times that will come for you in remembering BJ.

You and BJ spent 12 years together making beautiful memories. These memories are a part of you and will remain a part of your heart and mind forever. So even though he passed on in the physical sense, he left you much more than grief to remember him with.

When you are ready post pictures, tell us stories, do and say anything that you want to here. There is no judgment here. We all understand the "special connnection" you, myself, and others have had with the best friends we ever had.
Come back when you have bad days and also when you have good days.

For me, it was acceptance of what happened that was the key to opening the door of my journey through the healing process. While I know I will always miss Goliath, I have learned alot about myself that has made me a better person.
Goliath was not my loss, but rather my true blessing. He taught me all about unconditional love and even in his death he is continuing to help me grow through my memories that he and I made together. My treasure chest overflows wih all the joy and happiness he brought into this world to me and others. I will love him until the day after forever.

You now are a part of this loving family that gathers here. The love and understanding you will find here is phenominal. Please come back soon and share with us more when you are able. The more you are able to share and feel, the sooner you will be able to accept BJ's passing. As the good memories begin to push back the bad memories you will begin to feel just a little bit better, I promise.

Love and comfort is what I send to you, at this difficult time, from the bottom of my heart.

Thank you so much for your replies. Your words have meant a great deal to me. The thought never occurred to me to get a professional opinion about BJs passing, but I think I will. Maybe it might help with this sinking feeling in my stomach.

This is helping more than I thought it would. As the saying goes, misery loves company. The silence in the house was just too deafening. Even with the radio on and the dishes being washed, it was too still. BJ was the one who would start the conversations and march all around the house and try to get out the back door. Without that, this house just wasn't home anymore. The dogs and cat were just being lumps. It got especially difficult when the cat, who is known for his weight issues, stopped eating. They ate together on the counter in the kitchen, otherwise the dogs would get their food, side by side. BJ was usually near the wall and would not eat all at once, but throughout the day. Opie (the other kitty) would pretty much eat what we put in his dish immediately. Well, these last few days, he would just sit at the counter and look for BJ. It seems like he is waiting for him. Our one dog, Autumn, who is about the same age as Opie and we got the dog around the same time as we got Opie, seems to be looking out for him. She lies next to him and actually lets him lick her hair- it is so sweet and so sad. Opie found a mound of BJ fur behind the TV on Sunday morning and just laid down with it, rubbing his face on it. I about lost it.
For the sake of him and also to help us get through this, we made a big decision on Sunday afternoon and adopted a 4 month old kitten. This hasn't really kept me from being sad, but it is a distraction from the sadness and I am able to get out of bed now and started sleeping again. Opie's name is actually Apollo, god of the sun, since he is orange, so we named the new one Mani, which is the Norse god of the moon, since the new one is all white.
I've known for a while that cats have a certain kind of sixth sense and it really does prove that point in how I see Mani interacting in the house. He has been adopting some of BJs mannerisms and I'm convinced that it is because BJ had such a big personality that it left some sort of imprint on our home. It is sometimes uncanny what he does and how he behaves. It is comforting to see this, and know that somehow, some part of BJ's spirit is in this kitten in someway.
More than that, it has brought new life in our house. I'll never be over BJ. Ever. But I think that my heart has about emptied of the spot I had for BJ's life and that part is now filling with his memories. How painful. What a painful thing to go through. My wife said that Mani won't ever replace anything in our hearts, but our hearts just get bigger. I tend to agree.
Oskar, our pit bull mix is his new best friend, as BJ was. Autumn, our Brittany, is still looking out for Opie, but Opie seems content now that the new one is in the house. He's more interested in eating today and he took to playing with his favorite toys.
BJ must rather enjoy the view from wherever he is, because the new one is doing all the things to Opie that Opie did to BJ when we first got him.
This little kitten has only ever known a closet and the cage at Animal Rescue League for his entire short 4 months of life. When we let him out of the box, the first place he went was under the third chair in the dinning room. He laid down and draped his little head over the bottom rung. I lost it. That is where BJ spent most of his time sleeping.
I love BJ and I miss him something fierce. I still cry when I see his fur on some random piece of furniture or look at his still half-eaten bowl of food. But when this little kitten looks at me from across the room in that same sprightly, recognizing, playful way that BJ did, my broken heart smiles the smallest, tiniest smile and I know that it is BJ looking at me through this kitten's eyes.
We have one very large water bowl in the kitchen for everyone to drink out of, but it is on top of the dog's food container, so the cats would have to sort of stand on it to drink. Just this evening, when we were making dinner, this little bug came into the kitchen and let out a heap of a meow. My wife half-looked over her shoulder and said what she always said when hearing that exact sound, "What is it, Beej?".
She turned around, startled and I dropped my spoon as we both looked down to find Mani standing atop the water dish, drinking in the same position BJ stood. We looked at each other through tears and smiled.
At that very moment, I somehow knew that it was all going to be OK and the thought occurred to me that I am such a romantic fool as a saying that I once heard came to mind: "Having a pet is the only relationship we enter into knowing that our heart will be broken".

My heart goes out to you, Mr Bojangles is forever alive in your hearts and his magical s spirit is so powerful that it has reached Mani!
May his spirit continue to soothe and delight you, may he bring wonderful things to all of you. Take care, please come back here, we need beautiful stories like yours. So soothing to read how things are going despite this awful pain, there is an imaginary rainbow.

Thank you so much for coming back and posting the descriptive narrative you did. It was wonderful to read. I smiled when I read about your new kitten. I agree about they do fill the emptiness with their youth and energy and are definitely a distraction.

I understand everything you said about BJ and love the reminders you are finding.
There are 2 quotes I have found in forums that mean something every time I read them and I think you will understand the feeling I get from them so I am posting them to you here. Especially after reading your "saying". These type of comments really are special.

1. The pain of losing him will never ever be bigger than the joy of knowing him.

2. One can ask with the depth of pain we go through WHY do we allow ourselves to become so attached to pets? All one has to do is think of the tremendous amount of unconditional love we get from them and then we can ask WHY wouldn't we?

P.S. about that half-eaten bowl of food....in the past I have cleaned out food dishes of a special one I lost and I put the clean dishes (water and food) away. I would never get rid of them and new babies usually get new dishes. By keeping them, I feel a connection to the pet that used them but I could not look at them for a very long time.

If you do consult a vet as you are thinking about...it could help here if you shared his opinion as, as long as we have pets we never know what situations await us down the road and maybe there is something that could help someone in the future. When I read a story such as yours I so wish I had the power to not allow that to ever happen again to any animal and owner but then again if wishes came true, we would all still have our special ones with us, healthy and raring to go.

Thanks again for posting your follow-up. It was wonderful to read and picture all you were saying. See...already YOU are helping others at the same time you are helping yourself...kind of nice, isn't it?