So it's the third day since Toby has died and the rip-your-heart-out, panicky, intense pain has turned into that heavy dull ache that sits at the bottom of your heart. Instead of running away from the pain I'm trying to just work through it naturally, just crying or feeling sad when I need to. I know it will take me a very long time to really feel okay but I know I'll get there.

Here's my issue, though, and I can't believe I'm even writing about this 3 days after...

About a week before Toby's passing I had seen a beautiful FeL+ cat listed on petfinder.com. Not only is he FeL+ but from the description it sounds like he also suffers from cerebral hypoplasia. Poor guy has two strikes against him. Eric and I both fell in love with his photo and story and felt like he would be a wonderful addition to the family. Crazy? Most people would think so but we're both big softies. I sent an email requesting some more info but to my surprise no one responded. We opted to forget about it and decided that we would not actively pursue the adoption of any more special needs cats (we already had tried once before and there were just too many things that weren't working). We decided that if we were supposed to have a 3rd cat, the universe would let us know. Then with Toby and all the sorrow that his loss has brought everyone has urged me not to adopt any more sick cats. Just last night Eric and I had a talk and I said, "yeah, I don't know if I can do it again...maybe only if something was presented to me" End of story.

Until I came into work this morning and lo and behold the foster mom of the wobbly FeL+ cat had emailed me, telling me how sweet he is and explaining their application process. I wrote back that due to our loss and grief I wasn't sure and would need some time to think about it. Last night I was pretty sure about not taking on any more cats but now, well, I can't believe it but I'm actually considering the pros and cons.

Part of me feels so guilty in even toying with the idea of adopting a new cat so soon after. I'm in mourning and part of me wants to really wallow in it for a while; it feels like a betrayal to Toby's memory to love another. The other part of me though feels that to forever close my heart and home off to another needy animal is selfish. Toby lived a wonderful life because we welcomed him. Doesn't another animal deserve the same? I mean, there will NEVER be another Toby. He will always have a special place in my heart, a place that no person or animal will ever be able to touch. I also thought the timing of the email was curious. I'm not someone who overly reads into coincidences but when they strike me as odd, I always take a second look.

As painful as it is I feel like like these cats come into my life for a reason and that giving them a family to call their own has become my own little humble role in the universe. Does that sound extraordinarily weird?

I'm curious to see what others think. I am I jumping back into the fire too soon or is continuing on the right thing?

Normally when I quiet my mind my gut speaks to me but on this issue it is silent, for now.

Hi Marissa!

I firmly believe that we will never be given more than we can handle and "signs" do exist. I know that our animals would never want us to close our hearts. Maybe Toby had a paw in you getting that email.

You could and would never be able to replace Toby.

Keep listening for that gut answer...it will speak.
((hugs))
-Kelly

you will know when it is time to adopt new pets. it is up to the individual, but if i were to give an opinion (which i am about to do, it is only opinion), you should wait a bit. 3 days is not much time, and the new kitty sounds like he may be a challenge in the middle of your grieving process. just a thought.

Only you and your boyfriend can know what is right for you now. My question would be have you ever seen a cat with cerebral hypoplasia? I was a pet sitter for many years. One client had about a dozen cats. One had this illness. The cat was very small and extremely fragile. As an animal lover it broke my heart to see this poor cat struggling. She would flop all over the place from being disoriented. Had a hard time eating/drinking because of this. She was always having other health issues due to the hypoplasia. I understood my client like others want to take in animals that are challenged. However, the quality of life this cat had was very poor. This cat was suffering due to all of her health issues.

My opinion would be to wait a bit before you adopt another cat. Take some time to really figure out if you are ready for a cat with health problems. If you decide yes, then check into a number of cats before you make your final decision. I know you want to open your heart to another cat...but just be patient.

I can relate a somewhat simialr situation that I experienced within the first month since I lost Duffy. My friend was forced to give up his older cat who was also grieving (his brother and litter mate had just passed away). My first impulse was to take this cat in. My friend wanted to keep the cat for another month and a half-as long as he could before he had to give him up. Well, because of that time, I was able to realize that my husband and I were just not ready and we helped my friend place his cat in a great home. I guess what I learned is that time clarified it for us. It seems that the rest of the forum agrees that this might be a lot for you guys right now. Just my two cents, so of course, listen to your heart. If it is meant, it will happen.

I am thinking if you were searching then perhaps your heart wants to share love with another furry friend.
Perhaps instead of a terminally ill or chronically ill pet, you could still adopt a special needs pet. So many three legged and one eyed (Or no eyes) pets get put down at the shelters because no one wants these "imperfect" pets.
I had a deaf and blind dog, and since these were conditions she was born with (born deaf, retina detached at early age) neither caused her pain and she adjusted well. I had company over and NONE of them knew she was blind!!! She could sniff to retrieve toys and, since my other dogs are beagles and don't listen anyway, we rarely noticed she couldn't hear us. Our company didn't realize she was deaf either. Partially because we still spoke to her, and partially because she responded when people picked her up and talked to her (she could still feel vibrations when you held her-- she could sense someone was talking to her)
So, what about a special needs pet that really only needs love?
But wait until you are sure you are ready!!! There is a period in our mourning when we want to cling to a pet, and you may be wishing the new pet was your old one, even if you don't mean it on purpose.
Take care, I just know your heart will lead you right.

It sounds like you answered your own question. I would agree the timing of the email is curious. Maybe you and Eric could meet this baby if distance is not a problem. Maybe you could speak to the foster mother and learn more...what she feels are the pros and cons of taking care of this special one. And, most importantly, after you feel you do know the cons as well as the pros, discuss it with each other and if you still feel this is the one for you...then it may very well be.

I'm not sure it is too soon. I know I enjoy being with a new baby to distract me rather than grieve and cry about my baby knowing I can't ever have him back no matter how hard or long I grieve.

Everyone is different and what's important is whether it feels right to you and Eric.
Whether you decide to investigate further or decide to do it...it just should feel right.

Good Luck in your decision.

Thanks, everyone, for all the different perspectives. Everyone had a valid point (Hailey-Comet, I think you and I are of the same mind!)

I think for now I'm not going to make any concrete decisions. Last night Eric and I both agreed that we miss the energy that you have in a multi-pet household and that we'd like to adopt again but at this very moment I couldn't tell you when that'll be and if it'll be another cat, a dog, a hamster, rabbit, 3-toed sloth, etc. Beaglegirl, I would love to adopt another special needs pet. Unfortunately due to the nature of feline leukemia, I can only bring in another affected cat. That's why I was originally drawn to Weebles, having both leukemia and cerebral hypoplasia (and yes, I am familiar with cerebral hypoplasia). I'm not going to force anything, though. If things move forward with Weebles maybe we'll meet him and see how we feel. I did email his foster mom and explained our situation so we're certainly not committed to anything. Otherwise I'm going to just focus on getting through each day. I know my heart will let me know loud and clear when I'm 100% ready to go back down that road again.

All that aside, I'm so very down this morning. I'm going to visit my parents tomorrow and spend some quality time cuddling the cats I grew up with ("fuzz therapy" I call it). But I'm dreading Sunday night. Eric will be working overnight so I will be left all alone. Since Toby's died I cannot stand to be alone anymore. If I'm talking to someone at least I can focus my thoughts a little better. When I'm alone it's so easy to get overwhelmed. I used to have a real problem being on my own. Eric often works hours opposite to my own and I would become very depressed (I used to live at home until we made it semi-official so there was always someone around). After we adopted Toby, though, I got a lot better. He was such a good friend, better than my human friends, all who lived outta state and I see less and less. I stopped feeling lonely. Toby was a source of amusement, affection. And now with him gone....We still have our other cat, Mia, but she's tough to be friends with. She is very beautiful and very aloof. I'm trying to give her all the love in the world but it's hard when she's not interested.

Wow, I apologize. This post suddenly veered way off course. I apologize for starting to spill my guts about everything. I hope anyone who made it to the end of this rambling post isn't blind!

No blindness here
Go ahead, spill it all. There are folks who care here.
Keep us posted. I went for months without needing this board, then, I was glad I could come back when I needed to.
So, if you need to make ten posts a day to get your feelings out, go ahead. It really helps heal when you can openly see and mend the wounds.

No blindness here either. Definitely keep us posted.

Marissa,
We're here for you no matter what! I do feel the like-mental wave links! Sometime, I'll tell you the story about how, I believe, Comet sent me Gizmo (one of my 2 Earthly furbaies). You'll know what feels right and what feels wrong.
((Hugs))
-Kelly

Dear Marissa, These cats come to you because God knows YOU are who they need to take care of them, and they come to you because it is time for them to do so. By that I mean it is their time to come to you. I know you miss your boy Toby but he came to you also, no? He would want you to be who you are, one who these special cats are guided to



Be Well,

Mark

Hi all.

It's been over a week now since we lost our Toby and I'm feeling....weird. The sudden waves of tears have stopped. Now I just feel numb. The past two nights I've dreamed about Toby. I feel very sad but don't have the energy to show it. In fact, I hardly have the energy to do anything.

Currently we have just have Mia although within a couple weeks we may have a new addition to the family. Eric actually came home the other night with a flyer he grabbed with special needs cats for adoption. On it was a picture of a very sweet-faced black and orange little girl who had not only been abandoned but tested positive for feline leukemia. Eric seemed really drawn to her and offered to get more info. This really surprised me because I'm always the one bringing home photos of cats and probably driving Eric crazy with constantly wanting to adopt more. We all spoke and her foster dad was thrilled at our interest in her; he does plan on having her restested for the disease, though, just to make sure so we'll know next week whether we're one step closer to doing this all over again. It's crazy and my heart will be broken again but that doesn't stop me from closing my heart off to another needy animal. If I'm the soul that they need to come to for love and strength to pass on to the next step, who am I to refuse?

The one bit of good news that came through this week is that we're going to be able to afford to move this spring. This pleases me to no end. Where we live now just seems to be full of bad energy, if that makes any sense. A lot of bad luck and sadness has come to us since we've lived here. The place just doesn't feel right and I'm happy to be getting out and making a fresh start in May.

Yes, Kelly, I would love to hear about Comet sent you your Gizmo!

One of these days I'll post pics of Toby and my other baby, Mia, if I can ever figure it out!

It is always wonderful to hear some good news about things. Please keep us posted.

By the way, I know the feeling you speak about hardly having any energy. Even though I lost my special one in September...there are so many days I feel somewhat paralyzed...like I SHOULD do something but I don't want to do anything and it gets to be an emotional tug-of-war back and forth at times. So sometimes I get something done and some days I just don't. I know that is cause I am still grieving inside.
The new cat we adopted from the shelter helps me be more energetic but there is nothing at this time that can relieve my inside grieving.

I am glad you and Eric are moving forward and do wish you all the best in whatever you do. It sounds like there is a lucky baby who may soon share your life and love and as we know, will give that love back to the both of you a thousand-fold.

Keep in touch with updates please.

Hi all,

It's been a while a few weeks since I've been on the forum. Today it's been one month since Toby died and it's been tough but I've learned to deal with the loss and have begun to move on.

A little over a week ago we adopted a new cat, another FeL+ one named Ruby. She's a gorgeous (and enormously fat!) tortishell and is incredibly sweet. I hold her and pet her and she's very affectionate but I can't help but feel kind of detached. I like her very much but I don't love her. I feel awful saying that especially since it's obvious that she's thrilled to be off the streets and in a warm home. I just don't feel that connection with her. I don't regret adopting her at all, and I know in time I will grow to love her (with her beautiful silly face there's no way that I couldn't) but right now I just feel bad because I don't have that special bond with her.

As you remember Toby on this one month mark, I hope you are able to savor the memories you two made together. It is so hard to heal when we lose a loved furry kid. I am glad to hear that you have Ruby though.

I think you are right when you say she will grow on you. Animals just have a way of getting in your heart one way or another.

I remember when we got Goliath my hubby said he didn't want any little dog. He said "GET a real dog if you're gonna get a dog. Guess who started going to work with his Daddy??? Goliath captured the heart of anybody he met.

Bless you as you count the fond memories you and Toby shared. Good luck with Ruby and please keep us posted.

I'm glad to see you back. I understand what you are saying about Ruby. After I lost my last and favorite boy, Little Guy, in September....I adopted a 2 year old boy cat from the local SPCA. He is also affectionate and was rescued from a kill shelter and then the people moved away and left him on his own until a neighbor picked him up and took him to the local no kill SPCA. He arrived there in September. I had a hard Christmas without my boy here and the day after Christmas I adopted this new boy.

I don't know exactly what feelings come to us. I loved my Little Guy but then I had him from birth and for over 16 years. That's a long time to create a bond. I care about this new boy and he does love to purr and give "kisses" on the cheek but I feel differently about him than my boy. I know I feel protective of him. I know I don't want to lose him by him getting out the door. His personality and being are very different from my boy except the new one looks similar...his name is Lucky and you can tell from below that I have posted pictures of him in New Beginnings and my Little Guy in Tributes plus he is my avatar. If you go there you will see how he looks like my Little Guy in some ways.

You have only had this baby for a week. You have only lost Toby a month ago. This is all like "seconds" in time. I don't know that we can ever feel the same about each baby we adopt because they are their own unique personality. Maybe we look for something but we don't know what so we are disappointed when we can't find it. I understand feeling a sense of being detached..I can feel that when I look at the new one and think of the one I lost. I want my boy back but that can't happen. I can honestly say I enjoy the distraction from grief this new fellow provides. He is being trained out of some bad habits he must have developed when abandoned but I can tell he is trying and that he also loves being in our home.

You can have a different bond and a different connection with Ruby but it takes time for this to grow. Don't feel bad because you think right this moment you don't feel a bond you are looking for. It will come in time....each day creates a new memory of you and Ruby and suddenly you may turn around and realize there is a connection and there is a bond between you that has its own uniqueness. Already you have mentioned her "beautiful, silly face"...think about that...sounds like a bonded connection is happening at its own pace.

Take Care and keep us updated on how you are doing and feeling and how Ruby is doing. I am so glad you got her and I can tell from your words that you are glad too.