I joined this forum last year because I was having difficulty dealing with the loss of my poodle Boo.
She died at an emergency hospital before I could get there to say goodbye.
Today with Tuff it was different. I took his favorite blanket, and his favorite toy.
He hadn't eaten more than 3-4 tablespoons a day for about a week, and for the past 24 hours he has suffered nausea and dry heaves with drool.
He was diagnosed 2 years ago with chronic renal failure after some routine labs showed some elevated kidney enzymes that got very slowly worse over time.
I did the special diet, got him a water fountain, and towards the end poked him twice daily with subcutaneous fluids.
The day before he passed I took him to work with me (I work at a veterinary hospital, it has its perks ) and he was with me all day. Except for his labs, he always behaved better when momma WASN'T in the room.
About a week ago he started to crash, and everything was tried to lower his enzymes. Nothing worked, and this morning when I got up to offer him water (he was making thirsty noises) he was so nauseous when he saw his water bowl he vomited on the bed.
He felt so bad, it was time. He couldn't go on not eating and vomiting and feeling miserable, and I didn't want to continue to poke him twice daily since the fluids didn't work for him.
I'm not saying it was easier with Tuff, but different than with Boo. I held him in my lap, and he was given a dose of anesthesia to put him to sleep. I held him while he fell fast asleep. So, he didn't even flinch when he was given the injection of the euthanasia solution. It was so fast and so peaceful, I held him several minutes before I realized he was gone.
The crying is coming in waves, sometimes I'm OK and halfway functional, and other times I'm deep chest sobbing. My ribs hurt because I've cried so much this week, especially the past few days, because I could see him declining.
He was my love bucket, fat boy (not really, just his brother looks anorexic compared to him) Tuff Love.
He went by many nicknames, because his heart was so big one name just wouldn't do.
He was a special baby, and I miss him. It is very unfair he was taken so young. But looking back, I had time to prepare for this day, if you can prepare for it.
Working at a vet I see owners go for weeks, have their pets lose half their body weight, and fight to keep the pet alive because they just can't let go.
I'm actually OK with the decision, it was a terribly hard one to do, but watching your pet wretch, watching thier blood values go terribly off the chart, and knowing he would never have a good day ever again tore at my heart. I just couldn't put him through any more suffering.
I tried not to cry when he was put down, but I did anyway. I did manage to hold in the big sobs. I didn't want his last memory to be of me upset. I think it is important to be strong for them when they need you, and he needed me to help him not feel so sick anymore.
I'm glad I found this site a year ago. I check in periodically, and it is nice to know there is support when you need it.

Your last moments with Tuff were as beautiful as they can ever be, but even then, the pain of losing such beautiful souls is immense. I know what you're going through, it's so painful but at least you can be proud that you did take on Tuff's pain, you freed him and took it all on your shoulders. Hugs, as you know it will get better but this is a time you have to go through. Tuff will always be by your side, think of this and draw strength from it. Take care. you're a beautiful soul.

My heart goes out to you this morning. The love you have expressed in your account of the love and care you provided Tuff told me quite clearly how committed you were and are, to what is best for Tuff. Even til the very end you fought to do the best thing for Tuff and how wonderful it is that you were with him when he passed from your loving arms into the arms of our Lord Jesus Christ.

You are so blessed to have had both Boo and Tuff. To have the kind of connection you describe with such love tells me you have the gift of being able to love in a deep and forever lasting way. Your love came from the depth of your very soul and both Boo and Tuff knew that.

How lucky we are that we have been blessed with that kind of unique love with our furry kids. We have made beautiful memories that will follow us the rest of our days here on earth, until we too pass into God's Kingdom where we will all be together for eternity.

May Jesus comfort your heavy heart during this sad and painful time. May His light shine upon you and grant you peace and serenity.

Much love to you..........my prayers and thoughts are with you.

Thank you. The worst part is watching his brother. I mean, it is his real brother, same litter. Every morning they would run to the door together, and bust out to play in the yard while I got ready for work.
He just kind of walked outside, and sniffed all over, then looked at me like, "What do I do now???"
Last night I hear Ruger low whining, it was bizarre but I thought he was dreaming, then realized his eyes were open and he was looking at me.
His sister just sniffed his empty bed, and I left Tuff's toy and collar on it. She doesn't seem as affected as Ruger.
But I am affected. I miss him so. Today is only day two and the pain is so very real, because this time yesterday I had him with me.
I'm going to try to keep busy, clean house and do laundry. I'm going to cry too, I have to let this out or it feels like a balloon inside my heart will just burst if I don't.
I found that when Boo died, when I made a tribute video for her it helped me.
I spent three days crying and editing the video. I went through home movies and pictures and bawled and sobbed. BUT, for me that was healing. I am going to do that with Tuff as well, but I'm just not ready to focus on anything just yet.
My mind feels like the channel is changing constantly and I just can't focus on anything as important as a tribute video right now.
Thanks again, I'm hurting so, but not over my decision to euthanize Tuff. Believe it or not, that so far has been the easiest thing about this whole ordeal.
So, thanks again for listening.

It is here that we carry each other through the despair, grief, and agony that hits us when our loved one has passed. You are surrounded by the love and understanding of those who have also suffered the anguish and pain as a result of having lost a precious love.

May our Lord bless you and keep you as He guides you through your healing.

I am so sorry to hear of your loss of your fur baby Tuff. You gave him a wonderful life and you provided excellent care through his illness. You then comforted him and remained strong when it was time to say goodbye.

Ruger is grieving for his brother and will need some extra comfort now. Poor guy I know it's hard to see them so lost. My lab Elly was so lost when my other lab Lizzy passed away this past Oct. She perked up when we adopted a lab pup last month. Now she is constantly smiling and having a ball.

Great idea about working on the videos and staying busy in your home. Just take it one day at a time. I hope the happy memories of Tuff will help you heart heal.

Please know how sorry I am to hear about the loss of Tuff. Knowing that your baby is gone is probably the worst feeling in the world. Keep focusing on how much happiness he brought to your life, even if it means that you'll start crying. The minute I start talking about my Toby I often burst into tears but thinking about such sweet memories can't help but bring a smile to my tear-streaked face. And continually remember to be thankful that you were given the opportunity to give love and happiness to a wonderful creature.

Lots of hugs for you!



-Marissa

I am so sorry for your loss. It was very brave and kind for you to put on a brave face when saying goodbye to Tuff. I know how hard that had to be but I really feel it is important to say goodbye in a way that shows our love for them. You did that well and I'm sure that Tuff appreciated it.

Take care and may your heart heal and the good memories remain.
Ken Albin

I am so sorry for your loss. My heart just broke when I read about Ruger. He, too, is mourning. It makes me realize that they know what happened.

I also can relate to the channel in your mind that keeps changing. You expressed something that I haven't been able to express for the last 5 months-yes, I too feel like the channel keeps changing and I can not focus on anything too much. It must be a part of the grief. But I have found that little by little, I seem to come around. You are no stranger to grief so you probably know that that will happen. I think the tribute video sounds wonderful and once you can, you will give little Tuff a fabulous tribute.

My heart goes out to you.
Take care,
Stephanie

I am so sorry for your loss. The pain you are going through is so easy for so many of us here to recognize as we are there or have been there. There has not been enough time since it happened for any of the pain to ease...in fact this is when it seems to be most intense and it will take time for the pain to not seem so overwhelming so often.

I know what helped me was looking at my baby's pictures and thinking of when I took them..how good he felt...no pain..no illness. I put his pictures in frames in every room and many times I just walk up and touch him in his picture since that seems the only way to feel a little closer to him since he is not here any longer. I did post a pictures Tribute in the forum but that was not something I put together right away. I did a lot of crying each day at first but accepting that his body is gone and his spirit is part of me made it easier to get through the days. I still can feel paralyzed at times but I did get a new one at the SPCA the day after Christmas and he is keeping me occupied. He does resemble my Little Guy and sometimes when I hold him...I can remember how it felt to hold my baby and it makes me feel good to remember. My Little Guy (age 16 1/2) was the last of 3 siblings and having an empty home made it much harder. His twin brother left in 2002 and his sister in 2006 and he has been gone since September 2007 so I can relate somewhat when you mention a brother and a sister being left after your loss.

As you said, you have been through this pain before and yes, it is different for each baby because each one of them was different, each unique in their own special way.
But having been through it before does not lessen its intensity when you experience it again except remembering that time helped the healing in the past may help getting through the days in the present.

As you said this forum helped before so you know the warmth, caring and sharing that is here for you. You can post your feelings, your thoughts and know there are others who are sharing the same feelings and thoughts and somehow knowing you are not alone in your grief seems to help. You may want to post a letter to Tuff telling him how you feel. Whatever you get out in words helps not letting it build inside and overwhelm you.

So many here care so much and have the understanding and words that may help you heal while the time is passing since your loss.

Take Care. We stand with you in grieving and can easily cry with you. We can only give cyber hugs but if our thoughts could travel over to you...you would feel the warmth of hugs from here...and from so many here.

Thank you all for such kind words and thoughts.
Today was a BAD day. I was home from work and it was the WORST. I think I have a problem with delayed grieving. It has only been a week, and today it hit HARD. Really hard. I wanted to GO to work just to escape.
What happened was I was housecleaning, and everything was going fine. I did several loads of laundry, and was putting about, and decided it was time to clean out Tuff's crate. We keep the crates in our bedroom, and I noticed a funny odor, and it wasn't hubbys shoes or anything...All of my dogs have their own crates. At one point I had five dogs, and found crates easier at suppertime. The crates are open most of the time, and it is amazing how each dog will retire to their own crates for naps. I think they think they are their own "beds" or "bedrooms"
Anyway, something wasn't smelling good in the dog crate area. I hadn't touched Tuff's bed, because I just wasn't ready yet. But today I was kind of forced to because I could smell an odor. I took out his comforters, and the top one had a ton of vomit in it. YUK, I hadn't noticed, I can't believe I hadn't noticed. Then I had severe guilt, because it was buried. Did he feel shameful he soiled his crate and buried it???
I'm a neat freak, how could I let vomit stay in a crate my pet uses for eating??? GUILT GUILT GUILT
Why didn't I notice it when he was alive? All my pets get clean comforters once a week, but I didn't take his out last week because last Friday is when he was put to sleep. I didn't want to wash his blankets. Isn't that odd? Even with the nasty gross guilt inducing vomit, I didn't want to wash his blankets because they were the last thing I had other than his collar and stuffed bunny that smelled like him. I didn't want to wash his crate or his blankets, but sensible me took over for emotional wreck me, and I washed the blankets. I was stunned at myself for not wanting to wash his blankets!!! I mean, I'm a borderline germafobe and I was sitting on the basement floor sobbing into dirty dog laundry.
But I figure, when they are warm from the dryer I'll cuddle with them tonight, with his brother and sister, and we can imagine the warmth is from Tuff, not a kenmore.

I know, we all must do some bizarre stuff when our pets pass. Today was a BAD day.

I just watched your videos and they are some of the most adorable that I have ever seen. What a beautiful family! Tuff was so loved by your family.

You did really have a bad day. That must have been so difficult for you. Sometimes I find that I don't want a day off from work because I like that my mind is occupied. When it is not, and I am left to my own devices, it usually ends up with me in tears, pouring over pictures. Take care and please know how much I can relate to what you are going through. Hopefully today will be better. Wishing you positive thoughts for the weekend-