Today marks 8 long and lonely years without my Sabin, my boy, my son, my soul-mate, my biggest teacher.....undoubtedly my one-half-of-me. It was almost yesterday, but also an eternity in my heart, since I lost him in this lifetime. I feel sick with sorrow, longing, yearning for him still.

And as usual, not one person who knew what this date means to me, and who got a heads-up in advance, gave a damn. Typical. It's been a tough day, as it always is, full of tears and heartbreak, no matter how many years have passed. The heart doesn't count time, only our feelings.....



In the rising of the sun and its going down, I remember him

In the blowing of the wind and in the chill of winter, I remember him

In the opening of the buds and in the rebirth of spring, I remember him

In the warmth of the sun and the peace of the summer, I remember him

In the rustling of the beauty of autumn, I remember him

In the beginning of the year and when it ends, I remember him

When I am weary and in need of strength, I remember him

When I am lost and sick at heart,
I remember him

When I have joys and yearn to share,
I remember him

So long as I live, he shall live,
For he is now a part of me,
As I remember him

~adaptation of a Traditional Hebrew Prayer~

One glorious day, my guy, I'll see you loping once again towards me, woo-wooing all the way, and my heart will find its home again, at last....such a blessed day that will be. Until then, I will remember you in every particle of my being....I love you, Boo-Boo, my beautiful boy, my very soul....

I understand you, 100%.

The memory chest we keep forever in our hearts and minds are the gifts that we hang onto forever. It is ours to keep. For some others, even though they care about us, it is not necessarily important to them, as that treasure chest is ours, and not theirs.

I don't ever want to forget my Goliath either. Til the day after forever I will keep him alive in my heart and memory.

While it would be nice for family, friends, etc to acknowledge and/or understand how meaningful and hurtful these times are for us and that we need comfort and understanding, it can be beyond their comprehension. It does not mean that they don't love you. We all as human beings fall short of somebody else's expectations. Therefore I expect nothing from anybody. Then if there is someone I come across that does understand and has the ability to gift me their support, their tears, and themselves it makes the gift of acknowlegement they share that much more meaningful and appreciated by me.
Because that type of understanding from another human being has to come from their heart and if they don't mean it (and I can tell the difference whether they mean it or not) then I don't want them giving it to me as it is meaningless.

Hang onto your beautiful and wonderous treasure chest. Rejoyce that it's yours. You are very special to have been one of the chosen one's who has the depth of understanding of knowing what a connection with a furry kid is. Many people never know. They say that a person who has never had a true love for an animal has not yet had an integral part of their soul awakened yet.

As you feel the pain of your disappointment in what others could not do for you, I hope you also are able to reflect on the joyous memories of happiness you and Sabin built over the years you were together. Your memories are what is important right now and you are important and loved as well.

May you be blessed with comfort and joy today.........hugs, love, and understanding is what I send to you from the bottom of my heart.

Thanks so much, Toonie and Goliath's mom, for your understanding on my painful day. It's just so incredibly lonely, being the only one on the face of this planet who has this unending pain in my heart for MY kids, ya know? Not their Daddy, not their Grandma (whom they used to thrill no end; she called them her grandkids)...NO ONE else carries this pain but me. That's just not right. If we'd lost a human child, I'd bet no one would forget, especially not with a clear reminder a week ahead. Nor would anyone think it 'odd' that each angelversary was so hard for me each year.

People as a whole make me sick. My reminder was an obvious plea for love and help....but humans loooove to callously disregard those kinds of pleas, as if they won't matter a whit to the one still suffering as long as we'll just conform to THEIR ideas instead. It's more important for those who choose to not understand to hang stubbornly onto their desire for us to just "fahGETtaboudit!" They push their agenda on us, no matter how much extra damage that might do to us, rather than lay their self-absorbed egos aside for just a few lousy moments out of their lives in order to do something FOR someone else.....something meaningful, obviously wanted, and simply loving. It would be a win-win situation for all concerned, but they can't allow that to happen, because that would defeat their ego-based agenda, which is for us to carry on as if someone's life never mattered at all in the grand scheme of things. They want to be MORE important in the minds of those who are hurting than the one we're focussed on in our sorrow....as if it's some stupid contest and we haven't got room in our hearts for more than one love...as if our sorrow and missing someone else will take away from any love we might have for them, too. It's ridiculous, and selfish.

It's in terribly sharp contrast to how I treated my kids, and how they treated me, and only serves to make me miss them all the more, not less! It only makes THEIR lives matter even MORE to me than the lives of those who are LESS loving and generous with their time and hearts. THIS is the real consequence of their stubborn refusal to take heed of my pain in some small but meaningful way. So now, as every year (or month), I just miss my boy (and my girl) that much more than the day before. I'm tired of excusing people like this. They're like alcoholics; won't change a thing until they're allowed to reap the consequences of their poor choices.

My Sabin, on the other paw, heard my pleas for a sign of his continuing, faithful and loyal presence yesterday, as he always, always does, unfailingly. (his love still astounds me no end!) My eyes happened to fall on a picture on a website I still have up....a picture that looks SO much like my Nissa, it's uncanny. However, no matter how many times I'd browsed through this site, I'd never noticed one could click on these pictures to open them further. When I noticed this last evening, I clicked on it....and my heart opened wider than this window! Unseen prior to opening it, next to this grey look-a-like of my girl, was a solid BLACK look-a-like to my BOY! And their poses were just like the ones they'd always struck whilst playing together....most often with Nissa on her back, Sabin readying to pounce. TOO uncanny! And honest-to-God....these two look SO much like my kids, it's unbelievable! Here's the link to the page, if you'd like to see. Click on the pic of the grey cat on the righthand side, playing with the mouse toy.....my guy came through, in flying colours, as always, and SO unlike these stupid people!

Lookalikes, on Purrfectplay organic cat toys site

So my love for my boy (and my girl) only grows each day, while my love for these people diminishes by comparison. I'm beyond caring anymore what most people think. They're just not worth my time or attention, SO unlike my kids, who are worth remembering.

you are not the only one of this planet
you should not be lonely
we are here for you

i guess, once in a while,
all of us are feeling lonely, missing our pets
we want them back
after so many years
we want our babies back

i want you to know that i
and my cat Jim
are thinking of you
sincerely Eva

Your picture is gorgeous. He is a beautiful boy and we here do know how you feel as we are there also...no matter how much time has elapsed...the pain will never be completely gone but it is through pictures such as these that can bring a smile to one's face as they contemplate the beauty of your boy.

I hear everything you are saying, loud and clear. I doubt that a human-wide awareness of what a true gift the animal kingdom is will come within our lifetimes but I hope that it does come eventually. They are our family, our children, our soulmates. We bond with the souls, it does not matter what their physical containers were- it does not lessen the importance they had in our lives. Anyway, that's my two cents and I second everything that you are saying.

Your picture of Sabin looks like a professionally taken photograph. It is absolutely beautiful! He is gorgeous. You and Sabin are in my thoughts today. Take care.

Thank-you, all of you, for 'sitting' with me and holding my hand through this expected, but still dreaded upheaval. It seems to have brought up even more than I'd expected, and I'm waking up each day since the 2nd (of Feb.) to bad dreams that stick with me throughout the day...dreams that speak to my feelings of being moorless, unanchored, adrift, empty, lonely, without any ambition or new dreams that seem at all possible. And always, waking to that empty bed, without either of my kids physically there. It's no way to start each day!

This is so even though I KNOW Nissa was also here, just before the 2nd. She sent me 2 powerful and unmistakable signs of her presence, both on the same day, for which I also know I'll be eternally grateful....and yet, alongside that grati*tude, lays such depression, because I can't see her, touch her, interact with her.

So while both of my kids have visited to help their Mom out, each in their own ways, and both within a couple of days of each other, I'm finding it very hard to hang on. I'm reminded of the last communication I'd had with both of my kidlets, where the ACer got (from Sabin) that my grief was like a "big ball of grief" (I imagine this is a very cat-like ana*logy! ), involving BOTH of them, and wasn't just about Nissa's crossing, despite the long time in between each one's passing. Of course, I had to agree. One plays off the other, in an unending and now DOUBLE sorrow. I cannot think of either one or them without the other sharing the same space. And there's just no running from it. It's there, undeniably, no matter what else I may do or not do.

And this time around, I still think in many ways I've DONE too much, as opposed to just allowing myself to sit and process, and BE however I was going to be. I was too scared to just sit, so kept DOING. Trying to find the proper balance has been virtually impossible, or so it seems. And now, in therapy, I'm being asked to take more action steps each day, in order to try and move forward, to help find some of that balance. It's very tough so far. As with all of us, I too....just want my babies back, whole and healthy and newly created, to start all over again, but with all I learned directly because of them, so they may benefit from even more than they did the first time 'round.....especially my boy, who got far less of that benefit.

I'm so glad his picture was admired (and yes, this particular one turned out very well!). We all know how that helps, too. Yes, he was a truly gorgeous cat, as was his sister. I was SO lucky, to be able to gaze at such total beauty (inside and out!) every day. I not only loved, but FELL IN LOVE with both of them, every single day they were here. They thrilled me no end, and my heart so often felt like it might darn near explode from the love that poured out of it towards them....simply from a simple glance in their direction, much less anything more! I was SO proud of them both, in so many ways. They just made my heart sing with unspeakable joy. And all THIS is what has gone now from my daily existence. Memories alone aren't NEARLY enough, it feels, to 'tide me over'.

It's more like Harry Nilsson's classic song, "Without You"

No, I can't forget tomorrow
When I think of all my sorrow
When I had you there but then I let you go
And now it's only fair that I should let you know
What you should know

I can't live if living is without you
I can't live, I can't give any more
I can't live if living is without you
I can't give, I can't give any more.....

There are NO larger souls, overall, than the ones who choose to incarnate non-human bodies, as far as I'm concerned. I can't even imagine having survived so far in this cruel world if I hadn't had my kids to compensate for everything and everyone else who's made my life so dreadful so often. I feel so totally lost without them.

I know tomorrow is stunning Sabin's transition day. Thinking of you and both your" kiddens".


Dayna

thanks to Dayna for this notification of Sabin's Ninth angelversary :
Hugs to you Furkidlets, today will be a full day for you. I don't have the words, but perhaps Sabin helped me find this as a tribute to you :

"Bereavement."

Here is how it ends:

More than cherished memories are left

Behind; they leave us -- us

To know our duties and our powers

And to carry on without much fuss.

In the crushing grief of the moment, we think of how vital and good our

loved ones were,

and vow to be worthy of them. (http://www.alternet.org/columnists/story/74723/what_we_learn_from_mourning_those_we_love/)

Thinking of you and your babies today and sending special hugs to all of you.


Judy

Thank you so much, Joanne, for your very kind words. I just cannot stop crying today, reliving my own guilt-ridden thoughts about my boy. It's so easy to be compassionate towards others, compared to feeling it for oneself, as I know you know all too well, too. And thanks for the link, too. I know of that one. I usually have candles lit close to me every night I can, in front of my kidlets' pictures, all through the year.

I did do a new post for this year's Angelversary, too, followed by a meditation/tonal healing for grief, and then one for heart healing. But I'm still crying....

I'll be thinking of you, too, on Feb. 25.....it never gets all that much easier, does it, no matter how long it's been?



Oh! And Judy! I just noticed you'd posted here, too! I'm so grateful for all the soft hearts here to settle into...

I certainly feel your heartache Furkidlets Mom.. When we share that special bond, we become a part of them and they a part of us; forever. I never forgot my past cats. I never called upon them for help or guidence until I got Arthur. They are still with me after all these years. They heard me, they helped me. And your boy hears you and is with you too; always..Believe that, it's true!...Hugs.. Ann

What a beautiful boy Sabin is! He looks so much like my Zorro.

I always find this song particularly comforting, although it always makes me cry... "Far Away" by Nickelback.

I think if our babies could talk to us now, they would say what is at the end of the song, "Keep breathing, Cause I'm not leaving you anymore. Believe it, Hold on to me, and, never let me go. They are with us always.

Far Away lyrics

This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know,
you know, you know

[CHORUS]
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore

On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
'Cause you know,
you know, you know

[CHORUS]

So far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know

I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go

HUGS to Sabin and Nissa
~NM