Hey, everyone...I guess you can all guess what brings me here to this forum...I want to tell you my dog's story because I hope that, somewhere out there, there is someone who has been through something similar and can maybe provide some closure for this very mysterious loss.

Like most children, I drove my parents crazy BEGGING for a dog. One night we [stupidly?] walked into a puppy store.."just to look!" So much for that. The minute we saw those big brown eyes, we were SOLD. We named him before we had even gotten a chance to "meet" him: Rusty. I remember the first time that I held him..he was 5.5 pounds and nibbling gently on my gloves.

He was a pretty healthy dog considering where he came from. Other than some skin allergies and hip dysplasia [which the vet said wouldn't really be an issue until he was older], he was perfectly fine. He had so much spunk and he was so smart..he brought so much joy to our home.

When I came home from college for winter break, Rusty hurt himself trying to jump on the couch [he wanted a taste of some christmas cookies on the table, how typical! :)] Anyway...we took him to the specialist about 45 minutes from my house. They gave him a shot in his back and sent him home. By the next day he still couldn't walk, so we took him back. They kept him for surgery. It was a really lonely holiday.

The surgery went remarkably well. It seemed like he would be back to normal very soon. But a bruise on his back, which was not anywhere near the incision [we assumed it was from an injection], turned into a swollen, festering infected wound. We took him back on New Year's Day, and he had a big surgery the next day to remove the infected skin.

Jan. 6th - everything went downhill from there. We found out that he had a raging infection that was resistant to antibiotics. For 10 days we tried everything, powerful medicines and bizarre sugaring methods...he seemed to be getting better! Eventually a third bruise popped up on his shoulder...it spread all over his little body and into his blood and liver. We had no choice but to put him down on 1/16. In a matter of days, Rusty lost a battle that he never should have had to fight.

I have been trying to figure out what happened to my little champ, and naturally the vet isn't talking. I really do think he contracted it there...and if that is the case...would he still be alive if we took him somewhere else for the back surgery?? I can't stop thinking about him and all the what ifs..the guilt's driving me crazy. He was only 7! I didn't expect to deal with this for at least another 7 years..:(

I've since gone back to school and I am able to keep myself busy...but I don't know what I'll do when I go back home. I know that if I ring the doorbell a million times and stick my hand in the mail slot, his furry little face won't be at the other end...and it makes me not want to go back.

I was just wondering if anyone's went through anything similar...like a mystery infection in an otherwise healthy dog...I know my boy can't be the only victim of this kind of thing, and I am just wondering if anyone out there who experienced this got any answers. I know answers won't bring him back..but I want to know what happened to Rusty.

One final thing...I am completely overwhelmed with guilt about desperately wanting another dog. I don't want to ever replace Rusty..it can't be done..but I am intrinsically an animal person, as are all of you...and I can't imagine not having that unconditional love that only a pet can provide. I wish I could have my boy back..but since I can't, I want to give another puppy the same kind of life that Rusty had, even though his was far too short. Have any of you felt like this? And what did you do?

Thanks so much for reading. I apologize for it's length..I've been stalking this board for a couple of days now, and before this afternoon I couldn't bring myself to actually post. I've been reading many of your stories and grieving with you...I'm sorry that any of you have to be here, but at I am so grateful that you are.

My heart just aches for you Jenn. The passing of a loved furry kid brings on the most deep agonizing pain than we can ever imagine happening until it hits us like mack truck.

Yes Jenn we all feel the "what ifs" We all ask ourselves over and over what did we miss? How could this have happened? We want to know what caused this and is there anything that WE did to cause it. There are a million questions we ask.

Give yourself all the time you need to work thru this painful and most difficult time of your life. Your feelings are very raw right now and you are very vulnerable. In time the guilt will become less and less as well as the sadness. You will never forget, but the happy memories you built with Rusty will far outweigh the pain, sorrow, and guilt you are now are now experiencing. It takes time....a lot of time so allow yourself to express what you are feeling.

Yes Jen, you came to the right place here. In 4 more days it will be the 3 month mark for the passing of my baby boy, Goliath.

By coming here you will find what you are looking for in other people who are experiencing similar feelings that you are. They will tell you what has helped them. And some of those ideas may help you and other ideas may not help you. There is no right way of working thru the grief we feel. It is an individual process that has no time table. Explore the different forums. I have found comfort in some sections that I had really not thought I would find much in.

Tell us more about Rusty. What did he love to do? Tell us all about his personality.
Perhaps he had some funny quirks about him that made you laugh. You can tell us anything at all about Rusty. I am so glad you put his pic here. Looking at pictures and reading stories have provided much comfort to me. And while I didn't smile much when I first came here (which was only a month ago) my smiles and bursts of happiness are much more frequent. I spend alot of time here looking, reading, and appreciating what others have shared with me.

Just remember this Jenn. While Rusty may not be of this world any longer, nobody can ever take his precious pawprint from your heart. Nor can anybody ever take your memories of those 7 years you had with him.

As far as another puppy there is no right or wrong thing to do. For some it is another puppy they need right away and for others it takes a very long time to consider having another one. Some people never take the risk of taking on another furry kid. It is what makes you comfortable that is important.

When Goliath was still here in this world he was always at my side or at my heels. In his death, he will be on my mind and remain in my heart my forever best friend.

Hugs, comfort, and peace is what I send you Jenn.

Jenn,

I am so sorry for your loss of Rusty. He looks like he was such a sweet baby.

First off- I really don't think that you should feel guilty for wanting to get another dog. I know that it is really hard to live without the love of an animal and we all start feeling the "pangs" when we are emotionally ready-at our own time. There is no need to feel guilty- you know that you won't be replacing Rusty...just giving a homeless animal a good home.

That being said, I do not have experience with mysterious infections but they sound like staph infections that patients in hospitals sometimes get. If I am correct, staph infections are sometimes resistant to antibiotics. I would contact another vet and get an unbiased opinion as to whether this is common in animal hospitals. Try to seek out another vet-maybe in a nearby town-who would not be a "friend" of your old one. It would definately be something to look into. I wish you good luck- I know that I would be searching for closure.

Take care and I offer you my sympathy for what you have been through.

Jenn,

I am so sorry to hear of your loss of your precious Rusty. Thank you for posting his picture. I am glad that you found this board and I hope we can offer some comfort to you.

The other posters offered you some excellent advice. I also think it would be a good idea to speak with another vet. Possibly they can shed some light on what happened to Rusty. It sounds as if there was alot going on with his health after the surgery. But as with any surgery there is always risk of infection setting in. And often times their health begins to improve, but then their little bodies can't fight it any more. It's so hard to know what went wrong.

I look forward to hearing more stories about Rusty.

I also understand you thinking about adopting another dog. You already know there is no replacement for Rusty. And you will always have Rusty in your heart forever. You have so many happy memories of Rusty as well. When you feel the time is right...you'll be ready to open your heart to the new pup. I lost my 9 yr. old lab to cancer this past Oct. I adopted a lab puppy last month to join my 3 yr. old lab. I know Lizzy is watching over us and laughing at the silly things the puppy does. I will never stop missing my Lizzy. I too was so distraught losing her at the young age of 9. She loved life and for a long time I could not get over how unfair her illness was. I had to deal with a cold & uncaring vet..until I replaced him. Now I try to remember the good times and not her illness. It's not an easy thing to do but I am working on it. Elly my other lab and I were so lost without Liz. But when Mandy came along...we were laughing and smiling again. So I can only advise you to follow your heart Jenn. Rusty is an angel watching over you now.

thank you for your responses. reading your words and sharing in your grief has been a source of comfort for me over the past few days.

rusty..certainly was a quirky puppy. he was a lhasa apso (at least partly..never can be sure with puppy stores), which is a typically intelligent breed. we found out right away that he had a little mind of his own!

he was such a fast learner. i remember having to teach him how to drink from a bowl because he was so used to the hamster water bottles. i used to take him down in the basement every day to teach him tricks. i taught him how to "say please" when he wanted something..which was all the time :) he would trot into the kitchen and sit by his treat drawer and wait. we'd say "rusty, say please!" and then he'd always sneeze, so we'd say "not sneeze, PLEASE" and then he'd bark! it was too funny

he was pretty stubborn too..which is also a trait of lhasas. he had a really big personality. i don't think he ever realized how small he actually was! he hit us with his paws, and sometimes he'd go over to the cabinet and scratch it. he was so fresh, a real "tough guy," and then we'd tell him that we were going to put him in the oven and he'd run as fast as his stubby little legs could carry him out of the kitchen hahaha..he had no fear when it came to dogs 5 times his size, but certain things (the oven, the vacuum, rain!) would make him stick his head under the couch. it must have been really heartbreaking when he realized he couldn't dart under there like he did when he was a puppy. we used to lose him! (he was 5.5 pounds, so he could hide under furniture really easily). i guess one day he tried and realized he couldn't fit anything but his head under it haha, what a sad day that must have been for him

oh one more funny story...when he was a little puppy he was too scared to go up and down the stairs so we'd carry him in and out. one day, i came home from school with my mom and rusty had somehow jumped over the little blockade in the kitchen. there were torn up magazines all over the place, but we couldn't find rusty ANYWHERE! (we checked under the couches haha) then i peeked up the staircase and saw a sheepish little face at the top..when he saw me, he BOLTED into room upstairs because he figured he'd be in trouble. we just laughed because he had done his bad puppy things and climbed his way up the stairs, but couldn't figure out how to get back down!! hahahaha he was stuck! that was punishment enough :)

on the topic of perhaps getting another dog.....my family and i have been browsing pet adoption websites (which i guess is a good sign in the healing process)...but we stumbled across a 4-year-old lhasa..who happens to look extraordinarily like rusty. i know if we got that pup i would love him unconditionally...but i'm concerned about my mother and maybe even myself either a) convincing ourselves that he IS rusty (he looks that much like him) or WORSE B) comparing him to rusty, which would be unfair. i don't think it would be a permanent problem..but i think initially it might be strange to have a dog that bares such a resemblance to a dog that was loved so deeply. has anyone else found themselves looking for another pet and automatically being drawn to one that looks just like the first? =/


PS hope you chuckled at the stories! haha

"when a lhasa apso looks in the mirror, he sees a lion!" -soooo true :)

Your excitement in telling your stories comes through in flying colors of how much you love Rusty. I can see that you put alot of time into your communication with him and that you thoroughly enjoyed the time you and he spent together.

Your story of his little caper with the magazines made me laugh so hard that I had tears running down my face.

Keep coming back Jenn and tell us more. I never get enough of others sharing their memories with me.

Hugs

I am so sorry for you loss. Rusty sounds like quite a special guy. I know how your heart must ache.
I loved those funny stories of him, he must have been the terror of all magazines .
from my experience, and what I have read from others,Blame is the first of the hurdles faced when we loss our furry loves. I cna't tell you not to blame yourself, you will anyway, but I can tell you that, you are not responsible for his death. You did the right thing by taking him to the vet. Love guided you to do what was best for your boy, and that is never wrong. I know that Rusty wouldnt blame you, and he would'nt want you to blame your self. The what if's can make you crazy, try not to let them. You did everything you could, unfotunatly the situation was out of your control, and you can not have forseen anyof it. Please know that we all are here for you, and long posts are ok. I wrote a book like post when I first got here, it is the out pouring of a lot of things, and that is a hard thing to fit in a small space.
Another big hurdle is the new furry friend stage. It can be quite overwhelming, and it is somthing that has to be done when it is right. There is no time line for it being right. It is not replacing, or washing over Rusty, it is alowing another furry friend to join in the circle of family, and love. No one can replace you dear friend, and love is meant to be shared. Your worries are very normal. In the beginning it is natural to campare, but it fades as the new personality becomes familar. A new pet can even tie us closer to the ones that have come befor as you get to know your new one and make memories, you can remember thigs you thought you forgto about your other one. New memeories don't mean the old ones are gone.
When I lost my Cheddar, I was devestated, but worse than that, the house was so empty. For my self, and my other cat Hazy, I decide to get a kitten right away. cheddar passes on a saturday, the very next saturday, we picked up his ashes, and went to the human socity, and walked out with a kitten. I was terrified, but i needed it. It was hard, but I don't regret it for a moment. Nori, our kitten has been a joy, and though the house still feels empty with out our big guy, we would'nt trade her for the world. Cheddar is still with me always, but I take comfort in, that even though he is over the rainbowbridge, She is with us, and needs us, and he would want us and her to have love and comfort. Every one has a diffrent time need. Goliath hit it right on the head when she wrote "As far as another puppy there is no right or wrong thing to do. For some it is another puppy they need right away and for others it takes a very long time to consider having another one. Some people never take the risk of taking on another furry kid. It is what makes you comfortable that is important." I can't put it any better than that.
Come back when ever you need too. Post books of text, or just a word. Cry, laugh, enven scream if you need too. This the right place for all of that, and though we a separteed by the world wide web, and have don't know ech other out side of this place, we are a family here, connected by furry balls of joy. We are here for each other, and I hope that you will come back and share somemore.
prayers and hugs,
cheesy

You asked a question about being drawn to a new baby that looks like the one you lost.

Well, I have done that..years ago...getting a new dog that looked like one I had just lost, and right now I have gotten Lucky from a shelter...who looks similar to Little Guy, the cat I just lost.

I have never regretted doing this. I think looking alike deep down gives me just a small feeling that my baby is still with me. The new one will never replace the old and really other than looks, didn't remind me of the older one as they each have their own personality and they are never the same...except they all do give us that special gift of unconditional love.

I just think of the new one as that....a new one with his/her own way of doing things and it has worked out. It means I can look at pictures of my other ones without crying because a little bit of them is something I see physically when I look at the new one.

When I hold Lucky in my arms..at times my husband says he swears I am holding Little Guy and that makes me smile and feel for just a tiny second that the body of fur I am holding feels like my other baby.

I have found that the ones that meant the most in my heart were the ones I sought to find similar new babies. I just get some special feelings at times that I can't explain but they do make me feel better when I think about who I lost.

Hope this helps answer your question.
P.S. Yes, your stories were precious ones.

thank you LoveThem, Cheesy, Goliath, LuvLabs and forduffy. I must say I've went back and read each of your heartbreaking stories. I'm very sorry

I'm glad you enjoyed some of Rusty's little anecdotes. I'm sitting in my dorm room right now and I'm looking at a picture of him... i WISH WISH WISH i could put it up here but it's not on my computer. He's a puppy in it...i don't know how old exactly but he was in what I like to call his "awkward stage." I don't know what it was about him during this time but he was in some sort of transition period and he just looked so goofy. His head was so much bigger than his body (he did eventually grow into it haha) But anyway..in this picture, he's sitting on the steps in the house. Somehow he managed to get his head stuck between the posts of the banister! I don't know how he got it in there, and he didn't seem to know either! He has such a quizzical expression on his face, almost like he's thinking, "well how do I get myself out of this mess?!" I remember laughing so hard and hoping that he didn't wiggle himself out before I could get the camera I might have to actually try to take a picture of the picture to post.. I think it captures his puppy personality really well.

Thank you also for addressing my concerns about another pup. I am guilty of looking at this little guy's picture every day...the resemblance is really unbelievable, so naturally I think he's the cutest little thing! I think my dad and I agree: our home needs a dog and this dog needs a home. Is that sound logic? haha..my mom's not as easy to sway but we'll see...I think it might be a good thing to consider anyway.

Sounds like you have some good ideas...and your Dad too!

As far as pictures: If you know someone with a scanner and a computer, they can scan the picture and save it as a computer image file. That's how I got my pictures up on the forum.

Also some places that do photos like Walgreens, etc., can put pictures on a CD which would be computer image files that could be transferred to your computer. I know they do it from a throw away camera film but maybe they can also do it with prints...it doesn't hurt to ask or phone and ask whoever does quick photos in your area. Also you may have the negatives for your pictures and they may be able to work with those even easier. If you do get CD image files..they should have the extension .jpg
those upload to the Internet easier. The place doing it would understand this type of image file.

If I can scan a print and save it as a picture file to my computer, I don't know why photo experts can't somehow do the same thing. It's a thought.

the pet we were sort of considering was already adopted. part of me is happy that the little guy has a new home, but the other part is devastated that his new home isn't with us. i've been looking all day at pet adoption websites but i can't seem to come up with anything. i don't know why i'm so upset..i almost feel the loss of rusty all over again. and now i feel like a bad daughter because i'm absolutely dreading going home.

i was hoping to have some good news..and i guess the fact that we went through with contacting them is a step in the right direction..but now what?

Not to worry Jenn............when it is right for both you and a new furry bundle to love, you will recognize the right one . I have read some of the most amazing stories of how people stumbled upon a new pet. Believe that God can and will provide the means for you when the time is right.

Hugs

thank you goliath..i still look at adoption shelter websites and if it were up to me, i'd have about eight thousand puppies right now!! i am just hoping that my mom will be able to bring herself to send another inquiry email should she find a pup she wants...unfortunately i don't really have much of a say. it's such a shame that i finally convinced her only to find out he was adopted. i'll keep my fingers crossed though.

jackjackboback...i have to say that i read all 4 pages of your thread ****** back to october i think, and i couldn't believe my eyes. even though our situations were quite different, we both feel wronged by our vets. i really was very insulted when the specialist who worked with rusty in his final days was so callous. she had cried with us the last few days that he held on..she really grew attached to him (although i don't know many people who didn't ) ..after his passing though, she changed. she didn't even entertain the possibility that he could have contracted that infection (which happens to be nick-named the ICU-bug?? uhh okay) at their inst*itution. i obviously wouldn't expect them to admit that it was introduced there, but to completely rule it out in such a rude fashion and to insinuate that he got it in our own home or from a disease (which all the tests report that he had none!)...it makes me sick. i understand that she's just protecting the hospital...but she was so rude. and then she had the gall to write in her sympathy card that she is thankful that she was given the chance to love rusty. i wanted to drive back down there and smack her. i wish i never had to have the misfortune of meeting her. it's just a really sad/strange situation.

in any case...i can really relate with the what if's that are haunting you. to quote the callous vet.."hindsight is 20/20." what if you had switched vets earlier? what if we had taken rusty to another hospital to have his back surgery? maybe he wouldn't have gotten the infection and maybe he'd be running around stealing socks like the silly boy he was. i'll never know..but i do know that when i get another animal..i'll never bring it back to this place. my family has learned from this mistake the very hard way.

i really do hope that things get better for you. i know, as i'm sure you do, that grief and guilt and anger can take a real toll on a person. i feel like i lost 10 pounds since this whole ordeal started. crying all the time triggers terrible headaches. it's not healthy. people at college think i'm nuts for grieving this long. i know that it's easier said than done, and i should probably try to practice what i preach...but we should try to take solace in the fact that we did everything possible for our babies and that it was out of our hands. we tried so hard, and i do believe that they know that.

PS i'm sure rusty is chasing your kitties all over the bridge

Hey everyone..it's been several weeks since i've been here. i hope everyone has been doing well. i just had to come post here because i just got over a HUGE crying-fest. i still cry a little every so often but tonight was really bad. i'll be heading home from college for spring beak next weekend and i'm absolutely dreading it. i've been back at school for about 5 weeks, so i haven't had to face a puppy-less house (other than my entire winter break). i knew back in january that i would have a hard time coming home without my boy there, but now that it's actually right around the corner it's really starting to get to me. i feel really guilty because i'm not even looking forward to seeing my family like i should be because rusty's absence is so painfully obvious in the house. my mom asked me if i wanted her to put away his toys or move his ashes to her room so i wouldn't have to see them all the time. i feel so bad but part of me really wants them gone. i can't handle the thought of seeing that tiny box on the fireplace when i come in the house for the first time, knowing that he should be at my feet giving me kisses. but at the same time, i don't want to try to trick myself into believing he's still at the vet, or he's hiding in one of his secret spots in the house. i also don't want to deny his memory of the recognition it deserves. he was part of our family and should be treated as such even though his fat furry face isn't around anymore. i had been thinking of asking my mom about moving it, but it felt wrong to make that request. but now that she brought it up...i don't know. i know she will if i ask her too but i don't know how i feel about that either. i do know either way, whether his ashes are on the fireplace or in her bedroom or anywhere, it doesn't really matter because he still won't be around. i can't even see what i'm typing anymore because of the tears, so i'll end the post. i was just curious about everyone's thoughts. thanks <3

After reading your recent post, I went back to the top here and looked at Rusty's picture....what a beautiful boy. I understand the emptiness and loneliness you are feeling without him. I wish you could have gotten that new baby that you thought looked like him. New babies are a distraction and that helps.

You might think about letting your mother put everything away at first and let yourself settle in back home. Then think about if you are ready to see anything and if you are not...then the time is not right to do so. The picture you have above here is so precious I hope you have one in a frame. I would have that picture where I could see it and talk to him when I feel like it. You know that in that picture he was happy and healthy and that picture is part of a good memory. It is thinking of the good memories that help stop the tears from overwhelming us.

When you feel you are ready to make the decision where things should go..then that is the time to make the decision. When it feels right to you..it will be right.

You don't have to pretend he is at the vet or hiding. Just know that where he is, is in that picture and in your heart. I have put pictures of my Little Guy in all my rooms so he is there to greet me in each one. Sometimes I put my hand to his head in the picture wishing I could touch him and smiling at how beautiful he looks in the picture. That helps me.

I wish you peace and healing and just know Rusty is with you...he resides inside your heart and can never ever leave there.

Hugs to you. I hope this helps.