Just a little Warning: I am writing About the death of my sweet kitty Cheddar. This contains an acount of his death, it may be hard to read. It's hard to write.
My huband and I have been married just over five years. When we were still just going together we lived about three hundred miles apart. and we couldn't stand it. We decided to get married and I moved to his city. One month befor we got married, I was very lonly,I didnt have many freind in my new home, and though I had a hedgehog, and a snake, I despretly wanted a cat. So we went to the humane society, and had a look around. There were so many cats there, All colors and sizes, and we thought we would never be able to pick one. We found a white and grey female, and decided to meet her, things did not go well. So we went back to the cages, and looked again. Then we saw him. We had passed by him befor, not really noticing him, he was asleep. But now he was awake, and he had the brightest sweetest eyes. He was a large orange, and white tabby, and he was big. Not fat, just big. As my husband held the paper against his tank and jotted down his number, the cat batted at him thrue the glass, he wanted to play. We met him, and I was instant love. He was sweet and gently, but frisky. He wanted to be with us, he wouldnt leave us alone. We adopted him on the spot, we had to wait three days to pick him up from the shelter, it was a very long three days. He was picked up as a stray and no one came looking for him. We Named him Cheddar ( I have a tradition of naming my cats after food) and he became our world. The shelter said he was full grown, they were wronge, he became one of the lagest cats i have ever seen. We had five wonderful years with our Cheddar.
On July 21st, 07 our world collasped. We were sitiing with friend, hanging out, He looked fine, he was compleatly normal, till one moment, when her ran across the room, and he hit the wall. He just lay there, we rushed over, when we saw he wasnt getting up. He wasnt breathing. I thought he was choking, so we did every thing we could to clear his air way. My friend was on the phone with the pet emergency room, we gave him CPR, finally we snached him up, and raced to the pet hospital. I knew he was gone, but we went any way. We got there, and they took him, and pronounced him. The doctor told us, that there was no way of knowing, there was nothing that could have been done. He wasa Large cat, and somtimes they develope blood clots, even if he had been seen that day, they would never had known. He was dead before we even reached him. He was ther one minute and gone the next.
We had him cremated, and have his ashes, The people at the pet hospital made us a paw print. we cried for three days straight. Our Other cat Hazy (short for Hazel Nut) was devestated to and started acting out in very odd ways, she withdrew form me, unless my huband was home she would'nt let me pet her, she was always laying in the hall where he died, and she began excessivly grooming herself. So I made the decsion for her, and my self that we were going to get another cat as soon as we could. I was going crazy with out him, and I knew that I could never replace him, but the house was just to empty with out his big personlity filling it up. So we adopted a kitten, and named her Nori Maki (type of Sushi) . She has been a joy.
It has been six months since we lost him, and I am still a wreck. I miss him so much, and every thing makes me think of him. I like to think of him, but it is still so hard. I am having a very hard time letting go. I been having panic attacks, and flash backs off and on all this time, and every time one of my other cats does somthing odd, or is sleeping too soundly, I get scared. I don't cry every day, i still cry alot. I know it is process, but I just can't seem to be able to move forward in it. I just found this site, I am very glad i have. I am really need to talk abaout this with poeple who understand the loss of a pet. Also I hope I can gain some perspective on this. I have always had pets, and i have lost pets befor, but never like that. He was the first cat i had since i left home. My parents always made the calls, and saw to burying them. His was the first pet loss I had to deal with directly, I know it will never be easy to loose a pet, I just hope maby next time it won't be quite so hard. ( Iknow, it's always devestating)
He was our first born, he was our good boy, and he will always be missed. Thank you for listning.
Cheesy

The loss of a loved one is never easy. I just started coming here recently myself after struggling for the last 2 months trying to come to some sort of peace and acceptance of my baby boy chihuahua, Goliath. I too feel that anxiety you speak of and I know it is gut wrenching. There is that hollow place in my middle that feels as though will never feel whole again as a part inside of me died that fateful day as well when Goliath passed away in my arms so unexpectedly.

Please continue coming and sharing. Read others stories and tributes. They have helped me alot. By sharing and comforting each other we can all make a difference.

God's peace and comfort to you and yours.

There is a large hole in me now, how can somthing that is so small leave such a big hole in a life?
Being here has alredy started to help, just knowing that there are other poeple out there who hurt, and need help too is alot. Ive felt so alone in my grief, after a while, i just felt like i was crazy, that i should be over it, like if I talk about it, or any one sees me cry over it, that they'd laugh, or tell me i was stupid, it's justa cat.
But Ive learned somthing here, there is no such thing as just a cat, or dog or bird, or anything, they are family, and freinds, and most of all Ours. And we miss them.
Thank you Goliath for letting me know that i am not alone.

Cheesy, I am so sorry for your loss of your dearest Chedder. From your story I can tell that you provided a wonderful life for him.

Our babies come into our lives and give us so much unconditional love. Something we cannot possibly get from another human being. (in my opinion) They don't judge us but accept us even with our faults. They each teach us things about life and then have to move on. Often times they are only with us for a short while. And they are always grateful for the loving homes that we provide for them. Remember they leave paw prints on our hearts forever.

I hope that you will be comforted with the happy memories you shared with Chedder. Know that he doesn't want you to be in pain and crying for him. Smile when you think of him and the love that you shared.

Last night, my huband and I had a fight, and i discovred that over the last six months I have withdrawn from him, and didnt even really realize it. I also realized that i haven't been sharing with him my troubles getting thrue my greife. He had no idea how hard it has been for me.
We talk about Cheddar alot, but havnt really opened up to him about how specal Cheddar was to me, how traumatized i am by his death and abcence in my life.
My husband misses him to, but Cheddar was my Boy. He was more than just a cat to me, he was a part of my soul. After the first couple weeks when my husband stared to get over his loss, I was still stuck in it, and I felt left behind. I didnt want to make him cry anymore, and i didnt want to be told to get over it (though I know now he would never say that to me).

I have also realized that I have been feeling so alone because our other cats are so diffrent. The one we had with Cheddar, Hazy, is not really very loving with me, she and I have never clicked. I love her alot, but she and i mostly just share space, she doesnt really want much to do with me, espeacialy after we lost cheddar. They were really close, and she has kinda attached to my husband after Cheddar's death. Our kitten Nori, well she is a kitten, and sweet and funny, but she is more independant than he was, and insits on life in her terms. She is loves affection, but is very intolerant of being held, and cuddled unless she demands it. There is nothing wronge with those things, it part of being a cat, but cheddar was not like that. when we were home together he was almost always by me. He followed me around the house. He insited that he have acsess to my lap when I was sitting. he would sit on my books, if they took up to much room. He would actully let me use him as a book table, rather than be off my lap for a moment. Our bedrooom door was closed at night, because the cats liiked to jump and play on my husband when he was alseep. But every morning, cheddar had his routine, he would sit and hang with my husband during his bath, then he would come in and lay on my pillow. He would curl up and somtimes nibble on my fingers, or ear to get me to pay attention to him. He would lay with me till I got up. He never liked table food, not even shrimp and fish, but he loved what ever I was eating. He would try and sneak bited of my food, and somtimes as a treat I would give him a little. He loved Apple Cinnamon Instant Oatmeal, and would only eat it is it was in my bowl, or off my spoon. If I cried he was there, he wouldn't leave my side till i was feeling better.
I don't expect the same realtionship with my other cats, they are unique and special in their own ways, but I miss having such a close relationship with a furry freind. It is going to take a long time to get used to not having that, and I hope maby I can start to form a closer relation ship to my other kitties. I really love them too.
Thanks for listning again,
Chessy
P.S. Sorry about my horrible spelling, it is somthing that I just can't seem to get right. My typing is pretty bad too. lol

Grief has no time-clock. There is no such thing in this forum world of "just a cat".
These are all special babies who came into our lives and gave us their special gift of unconditional love. We suffer when they are gone. No matter how long we have them, it is never long enough but we have no control over how long it will be. Each one we have, whether with us still or gone, have a special place in our hearts for each is special unto themselves.

We each can grieve differently. My husband will always miss our special boy, Little Guy, who we lost in September but he was able to return to his daily activities without breaking into tears like I did. At times I felt frozen..unable to concentrate on doing things. Then I found this forum and read about people's losses and their feelings and I realized I was being normal. What is normal for your husband or mine may not be the same for us. When one loses a member of the family, each person grieves in their own way and no way is wrong. I found this forum to be where I could keep expressing my feelings of grief and no one expects me to get over it quickly...they understand because many of them have been there and felt the same way.

I think coming here and posting stories and pictures about my babies really helps me and if I am happier at home..that helps my husband. So I don't have to talk to him about it. He is done being depressed about it ...it is over for him. I don't have to remind him because I put pictures of my babies all over the house in as many frames as I could find and I love looking at them. They can make me sad for a second but remembering them doing the activity in the picture makes me feel better cause I know at that time they were not suffering and they were still with me.

Use this forum to continue to post your feelings. Find some pictures of your baby to post so we can see him and smile with you when you look at a picture you cherish.
You are not alone in how you are feeling. That is important to remember. We are there or have been there or will be there again in the future because we love having these babies, giving them love and a home, and receiving that wonderful unconditional love gift they give to us for the time they are allowed to be with us.

If you vent here, it will helps start the healing that takes oh so much time to get through but knowing you have friends here who understand and care can help so much. You have started by sharing some wonderful moments with Cheesy that make a reader smile. We need those smiles in our lives.

Take Care of yourself and post as you feel. Do not worry about spelling...that is for the outside world....here feelings are never misspelled!

Lovethem,
Thank you soo much. I am crying so hard right now, with grat*itude. I am crying more these last couple days, but I think thats really a good thing. Being here is really helping me get in touch with the greife I have been supressing. It really helps to know that I can be public here. I am not shut away.
I am soo happy to have this place, and i amm so very sad for every one here who are going thrue the same things, but it such a comfort to kno0w that I can reach out and help somone too. In the few days I have been coming here, I have cried, and laughed, and felt for every one, and I know that you are all doing the same for me. Thank you, every one.
I will put some pictures on as soon as I can. Iam very techno slow, my husband will have to show me how.
I love looking at all the pictures here, and seeing so many animals, who gave so much love, and Joy in so many lives.
Tearfully smiling,
Cheesy

Hi Cheesy...........I just wanted to stop by and check up on you as I haven't seen you around. You are missed here and I hope to see you again soon.

Hugs

Hello,
Sorry I havnt been around, life has gotten crazy busy, but it should be slowing down again.
Hazy was sick, she's all better now. last week it was freezing here, and my husband was home for two days, it was nice to spend time with him. Our Nephew just turned 1, so we were at his b-day, and with the superbowl the day after, we werent home except to sleep. ahhhhh!!!!! lol
Im glad to know I was missed, thnks that makes me feel very special.
I'll be around more this week I hope.
Love,
cheesy