I've posted here a couple of times since my dog Toby was hit and killed by a car two months ago. I've come back to read without posting again many times. I just want to write today because it's harder than it has been for awhile. I work in retail, and am the pet department manager in my store. Periodically we have the SPCA come in and bring in pets that are up for adoption. They came yesterday and I thought I could handle it, and I actually did make it through the day fine, even played with the dogs and the cat they brought. It didn't hit until it was all over, I was home, and Toby wasn't there. I'm missing him so much and feeling so guilty over letting him get hit. I miss you, baby. Thank you all for listening. Thank you for this site.

Karen L

Hi Karen--I too was feeling sad today--I feel sad every time I come home from a walk, it hurts me every day that I look at my "empty" porch--so I understand. I know you are like me--you would give practically anything to undo what happened. If only it could work that way--! Sometimes at night I close my eyes and remember so many details about Ginger--like how heavy he was and how he would go all "limp" when I picked him up. How perfect he was--and how much he loved me and trusted me. I wonder if it is a good thing to remember him so vividly--sometimes the memory makes me smile and makes me feel like I just got to visit with him--and sometimes the memory makes me cringe when I think of how much he trusted me.
You and I are different than some of the posters here because of the "accident" aspect of our loss. Some days I know it was an accident and I don't blame myself--then other days I hate myself completely for being so stupid.
I sure hope there is a special special special place in dog and cat heaven for your Toby and my Ginger--because they were young and healthy.
Maybe there is a purpose to what happened--we just do not see it yet.
thinking of you!
Patti

Patti,

Thanks for your kind words. I'm pretty sure at this point that the guilt is something that's always going to be there. Some day I may learn to deal with it, and the unexpected stabs of pain that come out of nowhere may lessen, but I don't expect it to ever completely go away. I know we find ways to go on; we prove that just by getting out of bed every morning and going to work or to the movies or picking up a book to read, but our babies will always be in the back of our minds. I think it would probably be worse if they weren't.
Take care.

Karen L

Karen, I just joined to be able to talk about my feelings about losing my Samantha, but I want to add that I'm so sorry for your loss, for what you must have gone through with the accident, and hope your good memories will comfort you.
I think you are so brave to be able to go on working in a pet dept. I can't even barely glance at the pet food aisle in the grocery yet. Some days I get through OK and others I don't. But you're not alone - I'm so glad to have found the compassionate company here. Sending hugs.

Karen,

I am glad to hear from you although I'm not glad to know you are feeling sad.

Remember that if the roles were reversed, you would not want Toby to torture himself with guilt over your being hit by a car. You would know his love for you and know that it was an accident.

Toby is fine in the realm he's in---although I know you miss him badly.

If you can, do some nice things for yourself to honor Toby's love for you.

Write any time!!

Love,

Kathy

Yes, you are very brave and strong to be able to work in the pet store. I admire you for being able to keep on there. I know how difficult it is. My little bird was the victim of an accident for which I felt so stupid -- just one week ago today, and three months ago I had my precious little Hannah, a 16-year old Yorkie-Poo put to sleep. I have strugged and am still struggling with the guilt. There is just no good way to lose our best buddies, our babies.

My heart goes out to you and to everyone here on this site. I am making a post today, which includes several poems, which I hope will help us all through these dark periods in our lives.
Marcia

Thank you all for your replies. Right after the accident happened I did seriously consider leaving the pet department because everything I saw reminded me of Toby, all the things I used to buy for him, all the things I would have bought for him. But even though many people in the store knew what had happened, the people I consider friends or just friendly enough to tell, I never told anyone in upper management and the more time that went by the harder it got to tell people, if that makes any sense. I just couldn't keep saying it to new people, and I would have had to explain to them why I wanted out and I knew I would break down completely if I tried. And I hate to say it, but I couldn't really know if they would "understand" or just think I was nuts. It's gotten a little easier, and I couldn't avoid the department if I wanted to. There are still four cats, my other dog, Max, two tanks of fish and wild birds to buy for. The absolute hardest thing I had to "do again" was go back to the vet where the accident happened. I avoided it for six weeks, got my parents, brother, or a friend to stop and get the cats their medicine when they needed it, and even though I had helped a shut-in friend get a kitten from the SPCA I abandoned her when it was time to get him his final shots. I couldn't even go anywhere near that street. Finally though one of the cats was sick and no one else could take her. I did okay, until I got outside, in the car, and then broke down. I guess that kind of broke through things for me and I've been back since, including taking my friend and her kitten in, but there always seems to be something that sets it off when you least expect it. I think everyone here has probably experienced that same thing. I can't tell you what a life saver this site has been, even if you haven't heard from me much. Thank you.

Karen L

Did you know that when you have something like food poisoning it is very difficult to eat that same food again for a good long while (if ever)? --it harkens back to when we were cave people--if we got very sick on some berries our memory made SURE never ate them again. ..The same can be said about your aversion to the place where the accident happened. Your mind and body are trying to protect you and insulate you. You have done a remarkable job of overcoming it!
I am sorry you had to come here but I am glad you did come here--

It is understandable, avoiding the street for a period of time. You have a huge aversion to the spot - completely understandable. I took one cat to a different vet for the final time - my other cat had diabetes and I spent a lot of time at my vet's. I didn't want to have to sit in the waiting room time after time with the last memory of my other cat "in my face". It is also good that you had a "breakthrough", too, so that you can return there. It is true that things can set us off, but that is proof of how much we shared with our fur-buddies and how much we loved.

Dee Dee