First, I'm glad I found you all, and my sincerest shared condolences to all who are going through these losses.
My 15 1/2 year old Siamese kitty Samantha had to be helped to the Bridge on June 14. I'd like to give a little background about her, if you would indulge me. On Valentines Day 1989, I brought a 3 month old Siamese kitty home in a box! Delightful little girl. That summer, a scruffy orange and white tom of undetermined age just showed up at my house, fell in love with Samantha, who loved to sit by an open screened window and stayed. With care, orange Buddy grew into a fine solid chunk, one of the smartest, friendliest cats I've ever had, and he and Samantha adored each other, invented all sorts of games together. They were together 11 years, during that time came along cheerfully on a 2000 mile cross country move. Five years ago, brave Buddy's health started to go down hill, he had the best vet care and Samantha's tender licks and loving, but after a year of trying everything we had to let him go. He slept away comfortably, purring while I was combing him, one of his favorite things. Samantha grieved terribly, howled, looked for him, and never quite got back to her bouncy self. Then about a year and a half ago, we discovered she was hyperthyroid, got her on the meds and she did ok for a geriatric kitty, blood work ok etc. She was always a light eater, and manys the time I stood in the aisle of Petco, wondering "What will Samantha eat this week?" But she settled on fancy feast, and for a while did well, sleeping a lot, but enjoying lots of cuddling and sunshine.
June 8 she suddenly developed a discharge from her eye, and I got her right into the vet, because she always had had clear, clean eyes, and this was so unusual for her. Long story short, vet put in drops to dialate it, thought it was a blocked tear duct and gave me drops for it. After a couple days, she suddenly went down hill, wouldn't eat or drink, and I tried to get food and water into her with an eye dropper, and she had terrible diarrhea. Right back to the vet, on IV's for dehydration, intensive care, the works, but continued to go down hill. I visited her, the vet had a very cute visiting room with a couch etc, but Samantha was still in such discomfort that she didn't even know me. It was like her sweet soul had already left, and her poor body hadn't caught up, so I let her go on to join Buddy while in my arms. I don't have to tell you all about the tears and the misery and lonliness - you know it all too well. The worst was thinking that maybe if I had just treated her eye myself with warm compresses etc, it wouldn't have put her going down that slippery slope, and maybe she would still be here.
But I'm having such a hard time with the dreams, just those flashing images.....At first it was seeing her as she was when she went away. Then, I kept dreaming that she was going into the kitchen to eat, just turning the corner to her dishes. A couple nights ago I dreamed she was at a bowl with just a little dry crusted food in it, and she was trying to scrape it out to eat it, scared me so I wanted to rush to put fresh food out, and was half out of bed before I remembered..... She always had plenty of food and water - changed two or three times a day, if she hadn't eaten it I discarded the old and put in fresh-she never lacked for food. Last night I dreamed I was trying to catch her to give her her thyroid pill, and she was hiding under a rocker, like she often did. Getting so I hate to go to sleep. I could handle it if I was dreaming about her cuddling, or the cute things she did, but this kind of dream is so rough. Sorry to be so long, and thanks for listening.

Dear Athena,
I'm so sorry for your loss. I just put my beloved 17 year old cat to sleep a few days ago, and I know how you feel and I know you must realize, as you read all these stories, that you are not alone as you work through your grief. All of your feelings are natural, even the guilt. Though, you must know, you are guilty of nothing here. You loved your animals and did your best to give them good, healthy, happy lives and then, when they needed you the most, a good death without suffering. Maybe, in your dreams of chasing Samantha around with that thyroid pill, as if you could still save her or bring her back to her healthy, younger self, and she is running away, she is trying to tell you, as gently as cats can, to let go of your guilt and any remaining doubts. Maybe, your heart is trying to tell you that too. Every living creature dies, that is guaranteed as soon as we are born. Did you love your animals? That is the only question you need ask yourself and I can already tell what the answer is. We dwell on the end, because we tend to dwell on pain and let the happy times--so much easier and so many more of them than the painful ones--be pushed to the background. Why? I don't know. I have been guilty of this too, in my grief over my own loss. But, I'm finding, as I let go of the pain (and it's not easy, I know) the good comes rushing in, as if it's just been waiting there, so impatient in its patience, for the tiniest opening, the smallest sign of welcome. My kitty had some eye discharge too, as her health failed. But that is most definitely not what took her and I am sure that is not what took your Samantha. It was just another symptom of the body's system shutting down and preparing for that final transition. I hope knowing that you are not alone in your feelings brings some comfort and that you find some peace soon in your waking life and in your dreams.
Best Wishes
liz

Athena, I read your story and it warmed my heart. Love just radiates out of your post--like sunbeams! Both your cats were fortunate to have such a loving owner. I had to bite my lip a little because my older cat ruggles has hyperthyroidism too. And I give him pills......and he is becoming finicky (fancy feast is also on his menu)---all of the same things you went through..it is so hard to think one day I will have to face what you faced.
Which brings me to my question--are you going to get another cat someday? Or did you already? for myself I think I will not---but I guess we should never say never.
You did a wonderful job with both your kitties so you should not entertain any ideas to the contrary. The eye drops were not related to your samantha's end. I am certain.
I had a disturbing dream about my cat Ginger too. I know what you mean about how upsetting it can be. If they were pleasant dreams you could feel happy to have that connection with samantha again--but if they aren't happy I imagine you are trying to sort through the myriad of feelings that we all have about guilt and loss. You invested a great deal of your everyday energy into getting samantha to eat and the imagery about dried up food shows that you are still worried on a nocturnal level. It is as if you don't know exactly how to stop worrying even though the worry is a moot point now. I think your dreams show how deeply you wanted to maintain your kittie's health but how elusive your efforts were.
You did everything you could. We all know what that is like---doing everything but not being able to save them. What do you bet that samantha and orange buddy have hooked up at the rainbow bridge? It's a really nice idea. You'll be rejoined with them again one day Athena. All living things emerge, gather, spark new life, fall apart, die, and emerge in new ways.
thinking of you!!!
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Athena}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Patti

Thank you so much for your thoughts, Patti-gingerspal - I hope your Ruggles does fine on the thyroid meds - Samantha did fine on it for over a year. I do want to get another cat someday - I love animals, especially cats - I live in an apt, and I just don't think that would be fair to a dog. One obstacle right now is paying off $840 vet bill - I don't begrudge a cent of it - would have done everything short of surgery to help her - but I felt that if surgery had been indicated, it would have been just too much for her. When I find a cat, or one finds me, I want to be sure that I can handle everything he or she might need, the shots, all that, and anything that might come up. Up to now, I've never not been able to afford whatever a kitty needed, and I don't want that ever to happen. Part of me says - go the shelter and save or prolong a life RIGHT NOW, the other part says wait. Probably going to take a trip this fall to see some family 1800 miles away, and it sure would be different to go away without arranging either a pet sitter or boarding. Thanks for your comforting words, and a long happy life to you and your animals.

athena--I agree it is good to have a pet fund!! and to perhaps make a "policy" about how much you might spend to try to save an animal--I paid enough for a really good car and still lost him. so I know what you mean--!!

Liz,

I just had to make a comment on what you wrote to Athena---you shared some amazing wisdom, comfort, and reassurance. I was going to quote a few things you said, but I'd have to quote your whole letter to capture everything I wanted to comment on! ...Oh, and I am thinking of you in your time of loss as well.


Athena,

Liz and Patti expressed everything I wanted to say to you, and more. You have come to the right place.
My thoughts and prayers are with you!

-Kathy

Dear Athena,
I am so sorry for your loss and your troubling dreams. I know you did EVERYTHING to help your baby. I agree with the posts of my other dear friends who answered you. You are in my thoughts. I am posting several poems today. I hope you may find some comfort and peace in reading them. I understand the dreams must leave you depressed and hurting even more, but as you work through your loss, I honestly believe you will be blessed with some happy dreams.

My heart and prayers are with you.
Marcia

Again, heartfelt thanks to all for their comfort, and ongoing hugs and blessings as we go through those stages of grief. It helped me so much to be able to talk about the dreams here. Last night the only dream I had was of something soft rubbing against my leg! That I can live with!