So where do I start about my cat Gimpy? She was the light of my life for 11 years, and I knew one day she would leave me, but I didn’t think about it much, as I am sure we all can relate to that. We know we will most likely outlive them, but the excitement and fun of raising them doesn’t stop us. I just didn’t think she would go the way she did. I gave her the best. The highest quality food, her own drinking fountain, endless supplies of kitty grass, her favorite pet mice, laser lights, everything. She was my baby, and I did the best I could for her. And from what the vets tell me, I did the best even up to her last day. But did I? I know my mind tells me I did, but my heart just cannot accept what has happened yet.
So it all began around November 30, the day after my birthday. I was in Washington DC for a very important and much anticipated FDA panel meeting, with the company I work with. My fiancée who lives with me called me to tell me that when he had come home from work, he found blood stains all around the house, and Gimpy was just sitting there. I panicked and told him to rush him to Angell memorial hospital here in Boston. It was around 8pm, but they are open 24 hours. She was stable, the vet checked her out and told him (they called me from there and had me on speakerphone). She told me that it is most likely a UTI, but it can be kidney disease, or cancer, or a series of other things. Gimpy was sent home with antibiotics. I arrived back in Boston the following day. Thank god, I just couldn’t wait to see my Gumbo, and make sure she was ok. The vet called with the lab results, and they said Gimpy has a high WBC count, lots of bacteria and her renal values where slightly elevated. It was sign of a bad infection and we should administer the medicine. All was OK that first day. Then Sunday came, and she didn’t eat or drink a thing. vomit a few times. I called the vet to discuss. She told me that it may be a reaction to the Clavamox. She said if you want bring her back in the morning and we can change the meds. So Monday I left work early because it was nagging me and I didn’t want to wait. I rush her back, and her antibiotics where changed. The vet examined her, said she was slightly dehydrated, gave some IV fluids, some pepsid to help her tummy and some appet*ite stimulant. (this is totally ironic, my cat on appet*ite stimulants! She used to be 16 pounds, I have gotten her down to 12). She improved Tuesday and then Wednesday again, she was just lethargic, and tired, a little shakey and just out of it. I noticed that she still seemed like she was in some pain/discomfort. She was always sitting in what I call ‘bug pose’: legs tucked under the body, but the body is upright and not in a relaxed position. I realized that if this was just bladder infection, after 5 days of antibiotics, I would expect her to be better. I spoke to people who validated this, people whose cats responded in 2 days after strong antibiotics. This was not the case here. Thursday I rush her back to the vet, I couldn’t take it anymore. She had vomit green liquid. Not eating, not drinking, totally uninterested in food and anything she used to take pleasure in. I realized, I am either going to stay up all night just staring at her, or I can take her in and know she is being treated. It was a different doctor there, she was a sharp vet who immediately said this must be a kidney infection. Her vitals where worse than Monday, low temperature, higher kidney and a low blood pH, which indicates high toxicity levels as a result of poor kidney function.. So Gimpy was admitted and was to stay for a few days. She was diagnosed with ‘acute renal insufficiency’. They were to treat her aggressively with IV fluids, antibiotics and whatever else they would think she would need. I told them do whatever, there is not price on my cats life. Friday morning, the vet called with an update. Gimpys kidney levels hadn’t normalized yet, her blood ph only slightly improved. Anyway, the hospital had visting hours so I went to see my Gimpy. She saw me and was happy, sniffed me, buried her head in my chest like she did. I cried my eyes out. It was so sad. So sad to see her leg bandaged up with an IV, oh it was just awful. Then she just sat there again, lethargic and her little body was twitching a little. I spend the whole designated hour with her, petting her singing songs to her that I made up for her.
Friday night: I have family visitng from out of town. We are all at my finaces sisters house. I am anxiously waitng for my 5 pm update. I couldn’t eat, talk or anything with anyone. The vet calls. They did an ultrasound of her bladder and found she had a bladder tumor. At the time the option was to use nsaids to try and shrink the tumor, not chemo, but she said if the tumor grew fast, it may shrink, and if it does, it can help her kidney function. Basically, the tumor was causing all this. We discussed all the options, the oncologist was going to call me in the AM and tell me what we will do, what to expect etc etc etc. I couldn’t belive it. I was sick. Sick, numb, mostly numb. Now, Angell memorial is part of the MSPCA, and I knew they believe in quality of life first and foremost so I said, ok, lets start the treatment, Gimpy is a fighter and she will be OK, she can get better. An hour passes and they call me from there again to tell me that Gimpys values are now off the charts. Het BUN was over 500, her creatnine was not measurable anymore it was off the charts. She told me that their hands are tied. We need to treat to tumor to get the kidneys back, but the medicine to treat the tumor is hard on the kidneys. Her voice was shaking as was mine. I knew Gimpy wasn’t going to make it out of this. This was bad. She was in total kidney failure. Her left kidney was enlarged, she wasn’t urinating anymore they told me.
Now, my finace who has been my strength through all of this is in a final for law school. I told the vet that I needed to wait until he was done, that I needed him and I just needed time. When he got home I told him everything. We called the vet together, he called for me because I just couldn’t think straight anymore. Gimpy was just not doing well. We really didn’t have to make the decision because it was almost made for us. I even asked him if they were sure they had the right labs, and there is no mistake! But, when you talk to three vets in one day who all talk to you…….it was just the worst moment of my life.
Now, maybe this is where I can be judged, I don’t know, but, I couldn’t go to the vet to see the euthanasia. I could not go see her knowing it was my LAST time seeing her. When I was there earlier, I didn’t know what was coming. I knew that I couldn’t say goodbye, that I would have not let them do it. No way. There was no way. Especially because the vet told me that Gimpy should appear more sick given her values and her failing organs. I guess she was a little more alert than they would expect.
My finace went though. He wanted to see her, because he didn’t have that chance earlier in the day. He didn’t stay (he said that he couldn’t stay even when his dog Oliver was put down many years ago) I cant begrudge anyone for that. Anyway, sometimes I feel so guilty because I ask did I act selfish? But then again if I cried and was hysterical wouldn’t that effect Gimpy too? Its not like I had time to even prepare for this. I just don’t know. I know she was suffering and glad it didn’t last too long. The vet didn’t want us to wait too long. I was afraid if I went I would have told them to wait, that I cant do it, Then I worried that Gimpy would enter a coma, or cardiac arrest, or who knows. She seemed to be having little seizures, the twitching and stuff. I couldn’t bear to hear that she is suffering worse. Oh boy, its been the worst few weeks of my life. I just cant believe this happen. Bladder cancer in cats? Its so rare. I beat myself up thinking its my fault. I told the vet over and over ‘did I do something wrong, what have I done?’ He sent a message with my finance to tell me I cannot think that way. ‘Please tell her not to think that’
The vet who admit Gimpy was back at work Sunday. She heard the news and called me to talk to me. It was a sense of closure. I really liked her. I could tell she was a sharp doctor who really cared. She took the time to answer all my questions and assured me I did my best. I had looked through Gimpys medical records and realized an ultrasound was done in febuary of her bladder (she had peed blood then so I took her in—ended up being idiopathic cyst*itis—cleared up, no more issues)
Now my precious Gimpy is gone. My friend, through all these years. She grew up with me. She was with me in my 20’s, a tumultuous time in my life. I am doing better now. But im still not right. I have had dreams of her, think of her 24 hours a day. Thank you for letting me share my story. Thank you for reading if you did. I loved that cat more than I loved most things in life. The irony of it all is that I slimmed her down to a better weight to avoid diabetes, or any other disease, and this is what happen. Its not fair at all. It wasn’t her time to go. She was fine one week, and dying the next. Words cant do justice to how special she was. I even had a website for her (made it years ago) because I wanted to share with the world what a funny cat I had. www.gimpyisfat.com
I love you Gimpy. I am so sorry for what happen. I hope you are not mad at me.

Dear Lalig, my heart goes out to you, I am sorry to welcome you here, we all share your pain because we have been through it with our own soulmates as well.
You shouldn't feel any guilt over what happened, there is no guilt to be had by you, you did all you could for Gimpy and I am sure that she is all heart with you now, she is with you still, only the physical has gone but you have earned and will keep her place in your heart for her and your life will have been blessed because of her love for you and your love for her. I think that you couldn't have done anything better, what can I say, we all know one day they will leave us, we secretly dread that day, some of us are really blessed by having them close to 20 years others not so lucky, either way, when it's their time it is the worst time in our lives for us. Not easy to think logically through this, not easy to do it right all the time but I think you did and you should feel very grateful about this
I had a fat cat too, he was my soulmate, he loved food, his hobbies were listening to music, eating a wide variety of food and being in my arms. He developped diabetes and worse, we caught it late, I always hated to traumatize him with vet visits so though a vet would come to examine him he never had tests. By the time we found out(he became wobbly on his hind legs and unable to see) he had just lost his life long brother and was grieving badly for him. He was still overweight(17 lbs) though he had lost several pounds over the last few years, we thought it ws because he was becoming a senior that he was losing a bit of weight. It can drive you senseless to be in the situation where you know your soulmate is seriously ill, you did so well. I came to the conclusion that my soulmate's happy and throroughly good life had come to a turning point, I didn't know how I could help him through his grief for his irreplacable companion, and his new health needs for a changed diet, more exercise, lots of medical appointments that thoroughly stressed him...so I fell down to the worst depths of my psyche and chose to euthanize him, thought I was doing the right thing there, and thought it was best to accompany him. Mistake mistake mistake, he felt that I was allowing this, felt betrayed and this is what I remember, his
great disappointment at me, his own soulmate, for what I was doing to him...
It took me such a long time to get over this, how I wish I would at least have done things differently, not so 'openly' he didn't need to know that this was it, but with my being there, he looked at me, saw my eyes and turned away, disappointed in me.
I shall forever be sorry about that last hour. Know that you treated Gimby in the best possible way, and that she knows she had the best possible end to a very ugly reality that is illness and death. Take care, it's certainly not easy, not matter how well we handle things, the sorrow, the missing them, it's all there to be coped with, but know that the love you showed will echo forever. Hugs, during this difficult time.

Thank you toonie and jackjackbojack for your replies. Means a lot. Though I do not wish this upon anyone, it helps knowing I am not alone. In fact most people I speak to have been through it at some point in their lives, if not multiple times.
When I think about the 'what ifs' i hit a wall. Ok, so what if i knew sooner she had this tumor? Well, the only sign i had was that i noticed more litter tracking around the house. And when I say how long that was, i would say 3 weeks before all this hit the fan. I mean at one point I thought, maybe she is constipated cuz i watched her in the little pan and she seemed to strain. But then there was no blood, no other signs. Her appet*ite was still huge she was still playful and fine. Would I ever think its bladder cancer? I guess not. Its very rare. I figured she had cyst*itis again, since 6 months ago she did and she had a thorough exam and all was well. I mean do we go to the doctor for every little ache and pain and ask for ultrasounds? I know hingsight is 20/20 but i guess because I thought im so smart, and so on top of things, how can i have failed this time??? Thats what nags me most. From whatever i have read bladder cancer if treated may buy animals 4 months?? If that....and what then? A lot of drugs? declining quality of life? Could I have handled that??
Toonie, Im so sorry for how you feel. I know its just awful But you did the best you can too. Your cats quality of life wasnt what it was anymore. Perhaps you are interpreting your cats last look as dissapointment, but maybe he was just so ill that his eyes wernt the same anymore? Gimpys eyes were sunken, and sad...she looked upset too. Im sure it was the pain, and perhaps the loss of his other buddy as well. I believe animals know when their time is up. But as all living creatures do, they have the will to survive. And sure we can sit and wait until that will runs out too, but can we let them suffer during that time?
And to you jackjackbojack, I read somewhere that there is healthy guilt. And one of the types is the learn from the past and be empowered by our experience. Now you'll know right away if you cant trust a vet. You have that knowledge now. I know maybe that doesnt change a thing but i believe if we are here at this forum, we are the type of parents who have done our best. And we care enough to take the time to learn from what has happened. You did your best. I mean you have seven kitties! You are so caring to take that many in and love them. Many people cannot do that, cannot open their hearts that much. Im so sorry for your loss ( i will go back and read your post about Rassy---I am a new member and havnt read allt he stories yet)
Peace to all of you.
Thanks

Thank you for sharing your story about Gimpy. I know it had to be difficult telling this. You are among friends here who all understand your feeling of loss. It is ironic that the people left behind are the ones who suffer the most while our departed furkids are at peace now. From your story I can say that the vets did all they could do. We have 9 cats now ourselves and I know how difficult it is to catch problems like cancer. Their nature is to hide the symptoms and compensate for it until they suddenly can't compensate any more.

My sympathy goes out to you for your loss. Gimpy sounds like a very sweet kitty and I know that you miss her with all of your heart. She wouldn't want you to be in pain and I'm sure that where she is Gimpy is looking at you with love and affection. Remember the good times you had with her.

Ken Albin

Thanks for your support. Yes, cats tend to hide whats going on because its part of their instinct to protect themselves from prey. Its been a very hard three weeks for me but I am doing better and taking it day by day. I still talk to her and sing to her and pretend she is here because in some strange way i think she really is.
Thanks again to all who are here and have helped me through your kind words.

Lalig, I do think that somehow they are still with us. One could try and rationalize that this is wishful thinking, also I know how easily the mind could play tricks, being so used to all the years with them, it's easy to imagine a meow, or a yap, to think we saw their shadow etc...So we could suppose that it's just our own imaginations however I am becoming more and more convinced of the contrary, that these precious souls are still there, some have come back to be with us, others simply visit us to give us a message of some kind or just a message of hope. I think that death simply frees them of their physical but their soul goes on. Certainly the animals we have connected with have souls. I often read others here who say they had a dream and saw their lost mates so healthy and vibrant. This has happened to me and to my husband about our cats. It could be a coincidence but why are we struck with details such as how healthy they look? And how come so many dream that? What really threw me was what I dreamt this fall: we have barn cats here, there are also other predators so the population remains fairly stable with a dozen cats or so. This summer a sweet little calico was born but her mom wasn't very interested in taking care of her, some mama cats are just like that, they couldn't be bothered much. That calico was amazingly self sufficient, she quickly learned to hang around with all the cats and learned to cope on her own amazingly well, finding her own food and water so young. Every now and then, she would get lost, I'd take her back to the barn where her kin was. At one point I tried to bring her in our house, hoping to socialize her and perhaps get someone to adopt her (calicos are so beautiful) but she seemed so miserable with us and pining away, I will never forget her look of relief and grat*itude when I put her back in the barn with her own folks I do think that this is the life she wanted, to be a barn cat. During a winter storm she went outside, probably following her mom and the others but only she didn't make it back, her mom never went to look for her, I found her next to the barn the following morning, frozen stiff. Though I was upset, we have had barn cats for over a quarter century so I quickly put this out of my mind and thoughts. A few days later however, I had this dream, it was summer all around just like when she was born and she was the same size as I last saw her and she was all healthy and happy running in the green grass. It convinced me that she was trying to tell me 'life' goes on on another level, and that she wanted me to know she was okay and grateful for my efforts. The fact that I had such a narrow bond with that cat and that there would have been no reason for dreaming of her (I was sad but not affected by her death) convinced me that we do receive messages from beyond.
I keep on loving my big baby, I know he is near me somehow, the love goes on.
And so it is with you and Gimpy, she will light up your life, after loving her like this, the love you have and the love you will know will be ever so much brighter, Gimpy will see to that Hugs, hugs to you and Gimpy.

I am so sorry about your baby, Gimpy. This is the time we all dread but the times before this is why we have them. I have lost more than 1 to cancer and yes, it usually seems to be found when it is too late..not that it is curable.

You mention "what if". We all share that thought but the way these things happen I have just finally come to the conclusion that when it is our babies' time to go, it happens and we can't stop it. If it is not time yet...we see things and take care of them and lengthen their stay with us. I don't believe it is given to us as a choice which it is to be. That's why sometimes we win a little and others we can't. And there is no way your baby is "mad" at you about anything. There is no room for that in unconditional love which is all they know to give and feel.

And yes I also went through one week feeling there was more time to spend together and a short time later having everything turn upside down without any time that would give them a quality to their life.

I think what you said about taking it one day at a time is a very good start to begin some healing. You will never forget her cause she is with you for the rest of your life, only now she is a part of your heart instead of a physical presence. Talk to her, write here about your feelings...that is all a natural part of healing so we can survive. I have to always quote Saki&Freyja'sMom who said: "The pain of losing her will never ever be bigger than the joy of knowing her." That remark is priceless...it says so very much.

No matter how many years we have with them..it is never enough. But that is not in our hands else we would never let them go as long as they were healthy and happy.

Take Care and know your pain is shared by so many here who truly understand what you are going through because it is like looking in a mirror. And talking about it does help and posting pictures has also worked. The pain of loss will never be gone but in time it is pushed back by the good memories of being together when she was completely healthy....those are the memories to remember. And it takes time to focus on them.

Thank you all for those kind words. I had a hard night tonight. The hullabaloo of New Years is now gone, I had my best friend visit me over this past week which was great. I had a nice time and some much needed laughs. But when I got home today the house was back to being quiet, and I had no more distraction and I lost it again. I miss her so much. I realized something. We never really feel that those we love are gone, somehow its not real, but as time passes we realize, 'hey I am never going to see them again' and that new reality begins to hurt. I feel so hurt. So upset. These days, its not a 24 hour feeling as it was up until a few weeks ago, however now, it hits me out of the blue and I sit and cry, or I sit and just think........It just sucks, what can i say.
Your all right though, maybe she is with me in spirit. I feel that she is. I hope our bodies are just a vessel, and Gimpy is still here, just in another form. I talk to her, I even pet her picture. I should post some pictures of her soon. I swear she was the most photographed cat!! I have tons of pictures.
Thanks again for sharing.

Thank you for sharing your story.
I am so sorry for your loss of Gimpy. I believe that they are around us in a different form and that their little spirits are close to us. I know the pain you are going through, we lost our cat Burt on December 30 so suddenly, we are still dealing with a shock of what happened, he was only 8 years old.
We find it a little helpful to light the candle every evening and talk about him, my husband talks directly to him and it seems to give him some comfort.
Our deepest condolences for you loss and I hope the time will ease the pain.
Senka

laliq,

Thank you for sharing your story about Gimpy and the health struggles he had in the end. I could totally relate to your disbelief that he had cancer. When the vets tell you that nothing can be done you fell so helpless. You want so desperately for your baby to be well...but the reality is grim.

I lost my 9 yr. old lab to lympoma this past Oct. Lizzy truly loved life like know other dog I ever saw. I was so angry that she got the horrible disease that cancer is. She was much too young and full of life. She had the best of care and the news of cancer was devastating. But she played up until her last day with me. She taught me to be strong even when I am in pain. To live each day to the fullest and to enjoy life like she did. I miss her every single day and know that she will always remain in my heart.

I am sure Gimpy taught you things about life and left an impression on your heart as well. Take what he taught you and smile when you think of him. He is free from pain now and is always watching over you.