It is almost 7 weeks since my Zita cat never returned home. (We are 99% sure she was taken by a cougar.) Last night I couldn't sleep and she used to be the one to comfort me at those times. But she's not here to do it now and I feel such a big void.

I thought I was starting to deal with it better since I wasn't waking up in a kind of nightmare feeling each day, but I still cannot resolve my feelings about the unfairness of having lost such a young pet so unexpectedly. The main losses I've had in my life so far have been losing fur children. Last year I had to euthanize my best dog companion and soul mate 17 year old Merlin when he became so uncomfortable that I couldn't stand to watch his pain anymore. In 2004 my cat Missy died of liver cancer. My husband's cat Tiffany who I had known for only 8 months was also killed last year at only 3 years old by the neighbour's dog. I have had 3 losses over less than 2 years. All of the losses have been painful, but I have been able to accept them for different reasons at those times. I just can't accept the unfairness of losing my bright light Zita when she had so much life left in her, at only 3 years old. She gave me so much energy and love, and I feel cheated.

Together my husband and I now have 5 dogs and Zita's brother Zeus, so you'd think that would keep me busy enough, but Zita was special and I just can't explain to friends and family how deeply this loss hurts. Most just think I am crazy for having this number of pets in the first place. I just want to cry non-stop today. I seem to have a well of tears in me because I miss Zita so deeply. I just wonder if I will ever reach a point of happiness again. The funny thing is, I know there are things I could do to try to feel happier, but I don't want to. It's like this misery is a blanket that keeps me warm and safe. I don't want to get on with life. I just want my Zita back. I don't think I have ever felt such resistance to "what is" before. I believe in living in the present, accepting what is, and dealing with it. I just can't solve my problem - the problem of bringing her back to me. When I think about accepting this, I just don't want to. I know my other pets need me and I'm giving them lots of attention. I am pretty grumpy with everyone else human who is close to me though. I just feel like retreating. I still do what needs doing, but not with much enthusiasm.

I find that every opportunity I get I want to go to the SPCA or the city pound and look at the cats. Yesterday I saw another orange tabby girl who had the big purr that Zita had, though she was much more shy. She could have been Zita's cousin or Aunt. There was another calico there as well who reminded me of my old cat Missy. I find it therapeutic just to sit with them and see who approaches me. I'm not exactly sure even why I'm there. Just trying to fill that hole I guess. There was another tabby that had allergies and looked so sick. Then a tiny older boy with crusty eyes. If I had the space, could afford it and I didn't have so many high energy dogs I think I would take in these old crusty and sick ones.

It's funny, the only thing that momentarily cheered me up was that Monty Python song "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life", especially that line "Life's a piece of **** when you look at it". Okay, yes I'm still in a black state, but that did kinda make me feel better. There's those other lines "You come from nothing, you're going back to nothing, what have you lost, nothing!" That pretty much sums up how I feel.

Jan.

Dear Jan,

You are my Sister in pain and loss. I understand your loss and pain and will keep you in my prayers.

I know the Monty Python song your refer to. I wore their tape out, Monty Python live at City Center.

I have never owned a Tabby until just recently. I always thought they were "snobby and aloof" until little Frankee came into our life. I've come to realize they are a very very special breed. Zita loved you so much! I'm so glad you have your other babies to comfort you.

After I lost my precious Nickels, I would go into Petsmart to buy our other babies their food. I was always drawn into the adoption center. I didn't know why either. I still visit every time I go in. It's a bitter sweet comfort and I want to take them all home with me. Unfortunely, I live in a condo and that would be impossible.

Your not crazy for opening your home to all these beautiful souls. Your special. Without people like you they would endure a horror of being destroyed without any other reason than being born to this world without anyone else to love them. You and your Husband are truly Angels and it brightens my day to know there are souls like you on this planet.

You are in my prayers and I hope your pain subsides over time. Please keep coming back here. You are among friends that are dealing with the same pain. We all understand and welcome you with open arms. I know I'm not alone when I say, I would love to see pictures of Zita when you are able to post them.

God Bless your family,

Michelle

Hi Michelle

I am really touched by your post - thank you. Your Nickels is beautiful. I didn't know about tabbies either until my Missy died and my house became infested with mice. I went to the SPCA to see who was there and one of the staff told me about these special two orange tabbies, brother and sister. That was Zita and Zeus. They were such characters right from day one - "the twins". Zeus is much more quiet than Zita - Zita was the expressive one and always came to me when I motioned to her and came on walks with us on our acreage.

All of our pets have been rescues. My husband had a border collie and a German Shepherd when I met him. I had my Merlin, a border collie aussie x, Chance an Aussie, and Sprite, border collie. We fostered 8 puppies for border collie rescue last fall through December. Then again we fostered this past spring, a little red border collie who was super shy. We decided to keep her because we couldn't resist her charms. All of our dogs, except for Sprite have a few special needs.

Zita was like my ray of light - she just exuded joy and love. I have never met a cat like her before. She was a natural healer. She gave such an immense amount of positive energy to me, and I just miss it so much.

I don't think I have ever grieved for a being with this intensity. Merlin was my most special boy ever, but I could accept him going because his body was completely worn out and he was very disoriented. Missy was a long drawn out illness and very sad but a gradual letting go. Tiffany was a shock - she was such a wild little thing, and I was just starting to bond with her. With Zita, it is shock and disbelief. It just seems like a huge, rotten mistake.

Thanks - it is a process, getting through this pain....

Jan.

Oh Jan,

My heart goes out to you. Zita and Zues should be on a Hallmark card. I'm so touched that you adopted a brother and sister. I wish my Frankee had siblings that I could have adopted also. He was abandoned by his Mother because he was so sick. My heart is breaking for you. I don't think I've ever seen such a touching photo. The tears are running down my cheeks for your loss. How is Zues dealing with the loss?

I was raised on a farm and my best friend had a border collie. I used to call to him but, he would listen but he never would break eye contact with her. I thought, I wish I had a dog that was that devoted to me. Then I was blessed to adopt a beautiful abused tri-color collie that had been hit repeatidly over the head with a shovel. I named him Mr. Bojangles and I was the only one he ever came close to. I'd go riding and he would always closely follow. I love the phrase "I want to be the person that my dog thinks I am!"

Your and your Husband are such special souls for rescuing all of these precious babies, and my heart breaks for you. I can't remember which member on this board has the tag that say's " I'm a responsible breeder, I don't breed". Thank God for Foster Parents like you. When you are able, please share stories and more photos of all your babies. I would love to see a photo of Merlin. It truly helps us all in the healing process.

Zita and Zues are just precious and my heart goes out to Zues, you and your Husband. Precious precious kittens!!

You are in my prayers Jan. My heart breaks for you. I know the pain that you are going through and I pray that God will lighten your load.

All my Love,
Michelle

Dear Jan, Hugs to you, I can not begin to imagine all the emotions that come with losing a pet this way, it must be so hard, when an animal becomes sick the rush of emotions comes on real hard too but at least there is a part of hope to counter the despair, that something can still be done etc.. whereas I was sort of already boarded on the misery train you were suddenly catapulted aboard and it must be very hard. I have found that over a year ago I not only lost my two cats but at the same time my whole world seemed to be crumbling and I did have a lot of the Monty Python song sort of thoughts.(thanks Nickels for citing the source, I do feel like looking into this, it's been so long Ive seen anything by these crazies, it might do a lot of good to be in that kind of company and that song which i didn't know fits, i want to hear it!) (and Furkidlets is the one with the responsible breeder quip) Anyways, as I tried to reorganize my world , let go of the past now that I was without my cats, I found myself grieving not only for them but for many things that you're not supposed to grieve, mid life, loss of youth, loss of being a parent to cats or kids, other unresolved issues that still caused me pain and that I had stashed away in the corners of my soul and had not had the courage to face before. All these little bugs coming to the surface of a deep deep well where my soulmate lay and each one of them to be skimmed off best as I could so to speak. Yukon was my focus, my allowed grief made it easier to go into griefs I had not allowed myself before. I told you before that Zeta's pictures where she is asleep and looks so content remind me so much of my dear Yukon. Although I can no longer hold him physically, I believe that Yukon is now 'holding' me, by remaining 'intouch' with him he has become my real light in this world of artificial lights. Thanks to my soulmate I have let the tears fall, I took my time to grieve him, I listened to my soul the time had to be gone through,a journey into my 'self' a time to re arrange discard take on : my old world would not come back but at least I could take my sweet time in this grief and reflection to soothe things out and build up my new world. i was a bit afraid I would end up crazy if I allowed this, don't we ususally go through life just getting things done in a whirlwind??? but I think I made it through better than if I had tried put aside all this. The impact of losing him made me realize that he was what mattered and many previous disappointments could then be shelved for good. A holiday in grief the ultimate luxury/defiance of putting your departed soulmate first, yourself on the same plane and all the rest beneath this. Answering a real need to allow one's self to reflect on the loss of a so very special soul and at the same time a study about your own life, the souls that surround you,their love, their magic... ...stay open to these things, and if you feel that at the same time you need to make a difference into another little soul's journey, well who is better equipped for this than animal lovers such as yourselves, soothing that little being on to a better life and soothing your own soul at the same time, that sounds like a really good idea too. But first and especially, be receptive and gentle to yourself, know that you are your own best caretaker and provide for what your heart and soul will whisper for. Listen to yourself, your heart your soul and your body, and like Gibran said, whatever you do, do it beautifully. Take care, I know how hard it is at this time, Courage and love, Toonie

Hi Jan.

Bennett is a tabby also, and they are GRRRRRReat cats!!!

I'm so sorry about what you are going through. I know part of the problem is that Zita went missing, so you have no complete closure. When Bennett was missing, I couldn't stand all the thoughts and questions. The mind is torn in 2...Is he alive? Is he dead?

I understand how horrible this is for you and wish you peace.

Hi Jan,
I can not even imagine the anguish that you are going through. My heart breaks for you. Your pictures are so beautiful and they make so many of us smile through our tears. I showed my husband the picture of Zita and Zeus and it immediately made him smile. Like I have said in an earlier thread, the fact that Zita is so young and such a little healer, there have to be bigger plans for her at the Bridge. She is such a beauty-of course Heaven would want her. It destroys us to lose them but we will reunite with them eventually and until then, we all have ceratin goals that we have to fulfill. I know that that doesn't lessen the grief but please know that we understand and we are all here for you-feel free to vent, when you need to. Please know that you are in my thoughts.

I want to let you know that I admire you for all of the love that you give your animal companions. My Duffy was a Border Collie and now I am so in love with the breed. I have thought about doing work with a Border Collie rescue or any rescue for that matter. My husband and I are living in a tiny city apartment until the middle of next year but my dream is to be able to have enough room one day to do exactly what you are doing and offer our home to many furbabies. It is my honor to have met someone like you who does such amazing things. I hope to one day have done as much as you have for these babies.

Many hugs,
Stephanie

Hi Toonie

You word this so well. This is exactly right. It's like everything that has gone wrong up until now I have "handled" but it all brews up inside me with the loss of my one special angel who kept me together. I was so sure she would be with me for a long time, that it makes me feel less secure in my life; that I really don't know how long anything will last.



I would love to see a picture of your Yukon. Do you have one you can post?



I totally agree. Some people don't like my grieving. It bothers my mom - she thinks I am dwelling on it. That's because she doesn't like the feeling of it and doesn't want to be around it. But I feel what I feel. I don't want to be upbeat and happy right now. That doesn't mean I won't give myself permission to smile and laugh, but it means that I acknowledge the deep pain within me. It is there and it is unmistakable. It is like the Kahlil Gibran poem - my well of joy is my well of pain. The pain shows just how much joy she gave me. It is also still a huge shock to me. It was the most unexpected thing.




I really appreciate these words. Most people cannot understand why we have taken on the animals we have. We have 2 dogs that have seizures sometimes, one I refer to as my "attention deficit dog". We have a 16 year old border collie who has some age related special needs and a German Shepherd who is a bit of a social misfit. Our latest foster which we adopted, is a very shy border collie. Our place is a bit of a zoo, but I know our dogs feel secure where they are.

Zeus is not feeling well today. He hardly ate anything. He was at the vet a couple of weeks ago because he got bit by a neighbour's cat (he is not a fighter, probably was seeking some feline attention.) He was on antibiotics for 10 days, and seemed okay, so I don't know what's wrong. I need to have him treated for tapeworms. He is swallowing a bit funny and I wonder if he could have a hairball. I gave him some hairball medication this evening, so I'll see if he eats much tomorrow. I am sure he is also missing Zita. I give him lots of love, but this evening he just seems off.

There is an orange tabby girl at the SPCA who I am curious about. She could never be Zita, but she looks like a cat that could be brought out of herself with some care. I am going to keep checking on her. She was just spayed a few days ago, so not out for public display right now. First I want to make sure Zeus is feeling okay. I want to also see if she is okay with new cats. If it is meant to be, it will be. I still want Zita back - if she could reincarnate and come back here, I don't care if I had 20 cats, I would take her back! It's a bit of a weird stumbling block, as if I am afraid she might think I would accept a subst*itute... but I know she was a wise cat who understands.

Thanks again Toonie, for your words of wisdom....

Jan.

Hi Michelle

I have so many pictures like this. Every day there was an adorable cuddle pose with Zita and Zeus. In so many ways, this makes Zita's loss so much more painful. It is a loss for us and a loss for him. I still find it hard seeing him sleep by himself and feeding him alone has been heartbreaking. Feeding was such a ritual with the two cats.



I don't know how any human could be so cruel to an animal. At least you showed him another side to human nature. A loving touch can bring out so much character and spirit to an animal. Animals that are neglected or abused never get that opportunity. I'm sure your Mr. Bojangles is forever grateful.

I am posting a pic of my special boy Merlin. I just had a dream about him recently, so I think he is still around me.




Thank you Michelle, I really appreciate your thoughts. I guess all of us here know the joy and pain of having and losing a pet...

Jan.

Hi Stephanie

Thank you for your kind thoughts. I know that Zita has something special and I can't imagine her talents going to waste, wherever she is. I still have a far-fetched hope she will return to earth for me, but that is mostly me being selfish and wanting her to myself like I had before.

I don't know if I said this before, but When my old cat Missy died, I adopted Zita and her brother Zeus about a month later. I couldn't bear to clean the fur off Missy's basket. When I brought Zita and Zeus home, I felt as if letting them use her basket was a bit of a betrayal. However, my Zita went to the basket and smelling Missy's fur started to purr and made huge guttural kitten sounds. She kneaded, and kneaded and kneaded that blanket in the basket. It was the most reverent treatment I could have imagined towards my Missy. Right then, I knew Zita was super special.



Thank you for such kind remarks. I actually had just one dog and one cat until my Merlin was almost 14. I played dog agility and Merlin continued playing until he was 15 (he loved it). Then I adopted my Australian Shepherd, Chance. He was such a handful, he gets overloaded and had aggression issues (which I didn't know about!) and also has occasional seizures. I worked with him a great deal and his behaviour improved, but dog agility was too mentally stimulating for him. So then I adopted Sprite, my border collie. She is a perfect girl. As it turns out she has very occasional seizures as well. Missy died of liver cancer and I later adopted Zita and Zeus. Then I married my husband with his senior dog and "socially challenged" German Shepherd. At the time I had Merlin, Chance, Sprite, Zita and Zeus and he had Rosie, Ellie and his cat Tiffany. We have since lost Merlin, Tiffany and now Zita, and we adopted Asha our little shy border collie. It is very difficult if you foster, not to fall in love!

So we were really just a kind of a brady bunch. It may sound noble to have ended up with this crew, but I really had no idea my pets would have so many special needs! Rosie is 16 and Ellie is 11 so I know that we will lose pets of age or sickness in the future. I am willing to accept the short lives of our animals because of all the joy they give me. With Zita is was just far too short at only 3 years old and so much harder for me to accept.

There are so many pets that just need a special person to bring out their special selves. I think this is the one thing we can do for animals is nurture them so their spirits can shine....

thanks again.

Jan.

Hi again Jan, as I read about Zeus, could it be that his 'trouble swallowing' is just his grief?you know the lump in the throat feeling? I remember Yukon would be in the football position and seemed to have trouble swallowing and I thought he was ill with something else as well as his diabetes but then when I went into my own grief over him I found I held myself and swallowed in the same way so ... Stay tuned, eventually I'll be looking at how I can get a picture of my dears to post. Take care.

Hi Toonie

I'm not sure about Zeus - I am keeping a close eye though. He did eat most of his breakfast this morning. I'm sure he misses Zita, no doubt there.

I really look forward to seeing pictures of your babies!

Jan.

Hi all

It has been awhile since I posted with many ups and downs along the way. The past year was going from one blow to the next with family health problems, my lost Zita who never returned, then Christmas with my little 4 year old niece in hospital suffering an illness that remains undiagnosed.

However, there was one bright light that has lifted me up in the past few weeks. I had mentioned an orange tabby female who I kept visiting at the SPCA. I was told by the vet tech who helped to spay her that she was skittish, and that her temperament might not be so good for our house full of highly active dogs. So I put the thought aside for awhile. There has been such a big hole with Zita gone and every day was a reminder of that loss. She can't be replaced and so I had mixed thoughts about getting another cat.

Then the day before Xmas I asked my husband if he wanted to check on this female tabby one more time. I figured by this time it should be obvious if she didn't get along with the other cats in the shelter and maybe that would be an indication of her character. The thing with this cat was that her size and markings are different than my Zita and Zeus, but her physical characteristics are exactly like theirs. Like her huge purr, the way she swallows (sounds weird maybe, but they have a certain thing they do), the way she reacts to surprise, her meow (exactly like Zita). I swear she is related to them, maybe mom, aunt, cousin, sister, I don't know. Anyway, when we walked in my husband saw the resemblance too. We both felt that it was right. On December 27th we adopted her and gave her the name Ziggy.

By the next day Ziggy was laying on the bed with 3 of our dogs, not skittish at all. Zeus has been so lonely without Zita and the big question was how she would react to him since we know he is good with other cats. Although I didn't expect them to cuddle together, they follow each other around everywhere and sleep within a foot of each other - that's a good start. Zita used to let Zeus steal her food but not Ziggy! She asserts herself very well amongst 5 dogs and Zeus. It is nice to see Zeus playing again and the two following each other everywhere. Ziggy even likes to lay in the sink like Zita used to do. Ziggy came to the SPCA with her 2 year old daughter, who was adopted before her, so she suffered a loss as well. When we took her home in her little cat crate, I have never heard a cat purr so loud in the car. She must have known she was coming home since car rides are not usually a cat's joy.

I still think of my Zita every day. I still feel immense grief about her loss and I still want her back in an irrational way. The biggest difference is that Ziggy makes Zeus happier and her own little ways are a pleasant distraction. Ziggy is herself, not the same as Zita, but she does have some of the same gentle sweet qualities. Ziggy is at least 5. I adopted Zita and Zeus when they were about 7 months old. Zita never really learned distrust and I think that's why she was such a snuggler - snuggling with the dogs, with us, and with Zeus. These are the rare and special qualities I will always miss. The thing is, that life moves on whether she is here or not, so it then becomes a decision of how best to cope. For me, Ziggy has been the best way to cope with Zita's loss; doing something to make life better for another cat. (My parents are still scratching their heads at that! Why would I want another animal, am I nuts?! )

Although I still really just want Zita back, it helps to focus on thoughts of the sweet things she did and not the nightmare of her loss.

I await the day I will meet my special Zita again.... As long as my mind is sound, I will always remember her.

Jan.

Until recently I had not been able to smile either without busting into tears. I know I will never forget Goliath as he was the best friend I ever had. That terrorizing feeling you describe has finally left me which tells me I am progressing in my grief.

About a week and half ago or so, I was in my puter room and decided it needed a good cleaning since I had not cleaned that room since my Goliath passed away. So, I went to polish the wood chest I keep in there and lo and behold for the first time in a very long time I noticed the lower left corner of the chest.

When Goliath was a little puppy he rounded the corner of the chest with his little tiny teeth perfectly rounded like he was a wood carver LOL. That was the first time I thought of him and actually smiled without crying.

I am so glad Goliath gnawed the corner that way. Your smiles will come.

Love and peace to you

I somehow missed this post, but it is funny - these little things left behind. At first they are so painful and it still pains me to think of Zita after all this time. I did however come across something yesterday. My old cat Missy who died of liver cancer at 12 used to attack and chew pencils. It was just her thing to do. I reached for a pencil and lo and behold there was my Missy's little teethprints - that did make me smile. These are I guess the little souvenirs they leave behind for us.

take care

Jan.

LOL Jan! It is so true that over time we find these little mementos. The use of the word souvenirs sums it up best.

I must tell you that your story triggered yet another of my memories of Goliath. He too used to steal my pens and pencils and chew them when he was a puppy. He also would steal my glasses given the chance and would pickpocket wallets out of people's purses. We used to joke around in saying we should have named him Pickpocket.

Our memories of our loved furry kids are the most precious gift we have when they have passed on. Over time I am remembering Goliath in a much healthier way. Last night I looked at one of his pics in the house and I looked over and said "I miss you you lil stinker." I was not sad when I said it because it brought me such a feeling of happiness.

The memories we make with our loved furry kids are ours to keep forever. How lucky are we to have had the pleasure and honor of experiencing such loves in our lives.

Hugs to you Jan.............Beth